Laugh Out Loud With These Hilarious Airplane Jokes!

By: Philip
Time to read: 59 min.

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight. I wrote down I’m here for the newest 911 . Best regards from Guantanamo. On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

The American places his hand outside of the plane and exclaims, We are in America! . The others, confused, ask him how he knows this. I felt the Statue of Liberty. , he replies. Later, the French yells, We are in France! . The American and the Mexican, perplexed, ask him how he knows. I touched the Eiffel Tower. A while later, the Mexican says, We are in Mexico , a little annoyed. The others ask him what he felt. Nothing, but they stole my watch. An American, a French, and a Mexican are on a plane

The angels suggested the the planet Venus. Too hot, said god. Then they suggested Pluto? Too cold, said god. What about planet Earth they wondered. Hell no, said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary – and they’re still talking about it! God couldn’t decide where to go for a holiday

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches! At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning! The Sexist Professor

The barren land of the Empire of Balochistan. Flanked on the right by a nuclear-devastated cluster of what were once cities with potential; Islamabad, Karachi, Lahore, Hyderabad. All gone now. Ghosts of their former existence. The AQ Khan nuclear weapon network’s warheads, although never used, had clearly left their mark on what was once the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. North Korea’s shipment to Karachi was intercepted by the Indian coast guard when the ship tried to covertly make its way through Indian waters, and the discovery of weaponized uranium in the ship under thermal maskers made New Delhi go wild. A few disastrous trilateral diplomatic back-and-forths happened, and suffice it to say that everything outside Balochistan in Pakistan, and the entire North part of the Korean peninsula are now wastelands, along with Varanasi. The Baloch insurgency quickly scurried into power, filling the power vacuum in south-west Pakistan with a precedent-setting level of organization and speed and non-violence. They even allowed free travel of journalists, immediately setting up border checkpoints to allow entry and appointing a foreign ministry and constructing a visa system, all within a month, and without even having a full formed government yet. However, the power got to the head of the leadership, and taking advantage of the massive public approval, a monarchy was established, with Emperor Hakim Mohammad taking the lead. It was promised to be a constitutional monarchy, but the constitution never came, as those who applied to draft it slowly went missing. It is 2087. The Emperor is on his hospital bed, his sons Mittoo, Gittoo, and Jittoo on his side. The throne was going to be occupied by the oldest brother, and as opposed to speculation by the international media, none of the three brothers truly wanted the throne. The Empire Treasury would keep all family members of the Emperor rich and healthy, and being in the public eye as a monarch did not appeal to the three Oxford-educated men. Mittoo and Gittoo were very close, and Gittoo was willing to do everything including taking the throne for Mittoo. As it turned out, Mittoo could not handle being the heir for long. In the Empire of Balochistan, even the princes had powers and responsibilities thrusted upon them as soon as they came back from the UK. The heir especially had the most work to do, with public appearances and hour-long speeches occupying a typical week for most of the days. Jittoo, who wanted to prove his worth to his brothers, came forward to take the reins from Mittoo, who was relieved, and pleasantly surprising Gittoo along the way. The next day, as Mittoo wandered the streets in the euphora of freedom, he was run over by a truck. Jittoo could not believe it, and as much more devastated Gittoo was by their brother’s death, he took the title of heir from Jittoo until he could function normally again. Jittoo was still a kid at heart and body, and his source of inspiration died. This was going to be very difficult to recover from. However, in exactly one year, Gittoo hurriedly handed over the title of heir to Jittoo, leaving Balochistan, and settled in Poland, serving as honorary Ambassador of the Empire to the country. No longer than Jittoo took the throne, his wife left him. I need to be away for a while, she said, and he was doubtful whether she would ever come back without a lawyer. To make matters worse, economic mismanagement in the empire culminated in several deaths in the week-long Hurricane Sara. The agriculture industry was ravaged, and aid was the only way for the Empire’s people to survive. As the Emperor’s condition worsened, Jittoo had a bigger and bigger disaster on his hands. The people started protesting at the Empire’s inefficiency and demanded Gittoo’s return to the throne. The empire cut off Jittoo’s salary. Jittoo decided that he had had enough. He was now going to get Gittoo to return, no matter what the cost. He chartered a flight to Warsaw and tried persuading Gittoo. The people want you back! I can’t do this. I can’t keep facing public opposition! Gittoo thought about it and he made up his mind. He replied, So no one told you life was gonna be this way, Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear; when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year; but, I’ll be the heir for you, when the rain starts to pour; I’ll be the heir for you, like I’ve been the heir before; I’ll be the heir for you, cause you were the heir for Mittoo. Never have a monarchy

The Bartender says No, we only have plane A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?

The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff. 9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day

The Blue Gorilla. (Warning, very long) there was once a great photographer, who prided himself on taking a picture of every animal on earth, from the most common bug, to the rarest fish . Well one day, at a big party celebrating the Photographer’s 1,000,000th picture, an old man approached the photographer. So he said, You’ve photographed every animal on earth have you? Yep he said Every one . the old man looked at him with doubt. How about the Purple Gorilla he said. Of course , said the photographer. The Red Gorilla asked the old man, one of my best said the photographer, with an air of smugness. The old man pondered for a moment Well, how about the Blue Gorilla Asked the old man. Blue Gorilla? said the photographer, Theres no such thing as a Blue Gorilla . Oh yes there is said the old man He lives on a golden throne, in the biggest room, in a huge diamond palace on top the highest mountain in the most dangerous jungle in all the Peru the old man said And every photographer who has ever gone looking for him, has never returned . The photographer thinks for a moment, Theres is certainly no such thing as a Blue Gorilla, is there? he thought But if there is, then I MUST be the first to photograph it! So that very night, he bought his plane tickets to peru, and by morning, he was off. He landed at the airport in peru the next morning, and hailed a taxi. once he got in he said to the old taxi driver, Take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! said the driver, I can’t take you there, he’ll rip off my arms and beat me with them! But i can take you to his jungle . so off they drove to the edge of the jungle. Once they got there the photographer was greeted by an old explorer, the photographer asked Can you take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! says the explorer I can’t take you there, he’ll rip off my legs and force me to run on his treadmill! But i can take you to the base of his mountain. so they walked to the base of the mountain. Once they got there, the photographer was greeted by an old sherpa, the photographer asked Can you take me to the Blue Gorilla The Blue Gorilla! said the sherpa I can’t take you to him, he’ll rip off my head and make me play football with it, but I can take you up the mountain . so they climbed up the mountain. for three days they climbed up the mountain, then four, then five, the mountain got steeper 45, 60, 75, 90, 100 degree angles they climbed, until finally, they made it. It was just like the old man said, a giant palace made entirely of diamonds. I can’t believe it! said the photographer, as he approached the giant diamond door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive golden door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive steel door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive iron door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive golden room, and at the end of the room was a massive copper door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive stone door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive wooden door. he grabbed the handle, and heeved the massive door open, he looked inside, and inside was a hallway, and at the end of the hallway, was a massive bead curtain. he pushed the curtain aside, and behind the curtain, was a big banquet hall, and at the end of the banquet hall, sitting on a massive throne, was a BIG, HARRY, BLUE GORILLA. Oh my god the photographer said He’s real, there really is a Blue Gorilla! he took out his camera and started snapping pictures, hundreds of pictures. finally he ran out of film, and started packing his camera away, then he had a thought. Hey he said That Blue Gorilla hasn’t moved the entire time i was here, he could be FAKE for all I know, I need to touch him just to be sure . So he carefully walked up to the throne, leaned over to the Blue Gorilla, reached out his hand, and gently poked his face. The Blue Gorilla sprang out of his throne and growled GRRRAWR said the Blue Gorilla. The photographer screamed! AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big wooden door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big stone door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big copper door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big iron door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big steel door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big golden door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRRAWWWWR said the Blue Gorilla. AHHH, I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS so the photographer ran behind the big diamond door and closed it. Phew he said, I’m safe , suddenly the Blue Gorilla burst through the door! GRRRR AWWWW said the Blue Gorilla. NO , said the photographer, i’d rather jump off the mountain than be killed by the Blue Gorilla! so he jumped off the mountain. as he fell he said, Finally, i’m safe then he looked up GRRRR AWWR said the Blue Gorilla, as he plummeted after the photographer! the photographer landed safely in a haystack at the mountain’s base, he ran and ran, the Blue Gorilla in hot pursuit. Then, in the distance, he saw the taxi driver at the edge of the jungle. HELP HELP! he said, THE BLUE GORILLA IS CHASING ME he quickly jumped in the back of the taxi, and they sped off. Phew he said, I’m finally safe . Then suddenly, he heard a tap on his window. GRRAWR said the Blue Gorilla, running alongside the taxi. AAAHHH said the photographer, as he lept from the taxi, hitting the pavement hard. The photographer started running. He looked around quickly, the Blue Gorilla just seconds behind him. Then, he saw it, a plane! He ran towards the pilot and screamed HELP HELP, THE BLUE GORILLA IS CHASING ME . He lept into the plane, and they took off. Phew said the Photographer, I’m finally safe . then suddenly, he heard a tap on his window. GRRRAWWWR said the Blue Gorilla, as he hung from the wing. AAAHHH said the photographer, as he lept from the plane. as he fell he thought to himself, I’m Finally safe, I’d rather splatter than be killed by the Blue Gorilla . Then he looked up GRRRAWWWR said the blue gorilla, as he parachuted from the plane. The photographer landed in a lake, he crawled out of the water and lay on the shore. he heard the Blue Gorilla land safely a few meters from him. Thats it he said I can’t go on, i’d rather be killed by the Blue Gorilla than keep running like this . The photographer stood up, he closed his eyes and waited. GRRRAWWWR the Blue Gorilla shrieked, as he walked closer to the photographer. Then, the Blue Gorilla walked up to the photographer, leaned in, reached out his big blue finger, carefully touched the photographer’s face and said Tag, you’re it My dad told me this joke. The blue gorilla. (Shaggy dog joke)

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: We have so much tea in England we can just throw them out! . The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining We have so many peppers in Mexico, we can just throw them out! . The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the plane. Why did you do that?! exclaimed the Brit. The American turned around. He killed my wife. An American, a Brit and a Mexican are on a plane

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams Someone make me feel like a woman one last time! A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron. Make me feel like a woman.

The captain says that the plane is too heavy, and to throw something out the window (yes I realize that if somebody opened a window, that everybody would die, but for the sake of the joke, it wont). The Chinese man throw some noodles out the window and says we have too much of this in my country . The Mexican throws some rice and beans out the window and says we have too much of this in my country . Donald Trump throws the Mexican out the window and says We have too much of this in my country A Chinese man, a Mexican man, and Donald Trump are on a plane over the ocean…

The child asks, mom, are planes good to eat? The mother replies, Planes are like lobsters, you only eat what’s inside. Two aboriginees, a mother and child, see a plane fly by

The Chinese guy accidentally drops a bowl of rice out of the plane so he jumps out looking for it. When he lands he finds a little girl crying. He asks why are you crying little girl? and she said a bowl of rice fell from the sky and hit her in the head so the Chinese guy apologizes to her. The Mexican drops a bottle of tequila out of the plane and also jumps out after it. When he lands he finds a little girl crying as well. She said a bottle of tequila fell out of the sky and hit her in the head so the Mexican apologizes to her. The American guy drops a bomb out of the plane. He jumps out and goes looking for it and when he lands he finds a little boy laughing on the ground. He says little boy what’s so funny? and the little boy says I farted and my house blew up! A Chinese guy, a Mexican and an American are on a plane..

The console. What was JFK Jr’s wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray. What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr’s mind when his plane crashed?

The couple wanted to ride, but they thought the pilot’s price was too high. They tried negotiating to get him to lower the price, offering $50 for them both, but he wouldn’t budge. Finally, the pilot made them an offer. You pay me the whole $100, and I’ll take you up, he said. And if you don’t say a single word during the flight, I’ll give you back all your money. They agreed and the couple got into the plane. Up they went, and the pilot proceeded to do every aerial maneuver he knew: diving, looping, rolling and flying upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said to the husband, Congratulations! Here’s your $100. You didn’t say a word. Nope, answered the husband, but I almost did when my wife fell out. (Taken from the book Make today count by John C. Maxwell) A husband and wife attended a county fair where a man in an old biplane was giving rides for $50.

The descent itself goes like it always does, but the breaks just barely make the plane stop before exiting the allowed area, inciting an audible gasp from the passengers. That was a God damn short runway, I say! , exclaims the pilot. The co-pilot gestures towards the sides and continues Yeah, and look how fucking wide it is. A Swedish crew is landing a plane

The duck can fly. EDIT: this is a pilot joke – I obviously know that co-pilots can fly What’s the difference between a co-pilot and a duck?

The family consists of the dad, the mom, four sons, a daughter, and for some reason, a pet moose. The talent agent asks what they do. Immediately, the dad rips the mom’s clothes off and starts fucking her on the floor. Then the sons start to take turns gang banging their sister. Then the dad takes a bottle of liquor, smashes it over his face and starts fist fucking the two middle brothers up the ass with shards of glass. Then the youngest brother grabs a gun, shoots the moose in all four of its knees so it will go down on all fours and starts fucking the moose. The mom is still lying on the floor not doing anything because the dad fucked her so hard, which is impressive considering she’s given birth to five children. Then, one of the middle brothers runs outside to a swimming pool that was in the vicinity, ties a rope around his neck and slips into the pool because apparently he read about auto erotic asphyxiation and decided he was going try to take having an orgasm while not being able to breathe to a whole new level. Luckily, the sister arrives just in time to cut the rope and pull him above the water but then he grabs his sister, pulls her into the pool, pulls down his swim trunks and stuffs her face right into his crotch. You’d think the talent agent would’ve called the police but he’s too curious; he wants to find out what’s going to happen next. Finally, they all meet up by the pool and a plane has landed, while damaging some property might I add, to pick them up and they all join the mile high club. However, the youngest son decides he wants to try to fly, shoves the pilot into the other seat, and pilot lands awkwardly and breaks his own neck killing him instantly. The family, realizing the dire situation they are in, find the parachutes and escape the plane. They still have the where with all to fuck each other while they are falling out of the sky, much to the chagrin of the horrified on lookers below. They land outside the building, walk on stage and take a bow. The talent agent asks, Who are you? The family, without missing a beat, say in unison, The Kennedys. A family walks into a building to see a talent agent

The first airplane. If two wrongs don’t make a right, what do two rights make?

The first airplane. Who has the best K/D ratio? Hitler.

The first alien says, The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons. The second alien asks, Are they an emerging intelligence? The first alien says, I don’t think so, they have aimed at themselves In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons. The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, Are they an emerging intelligence? The first alien says, I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves. Edit: Well thanks for all the votes and the gold!!!!!!! Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother I’m in! The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview. So Mr… Patrick O’Malley , the interviewer begins. What skills can you bring to Australia? Patrick explains: Well, I’m a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cutter… That’s a shame , interrupts the interviewer. They don’t really need turf cutters in Australia. There’s just not that much turf. But you let me brother in! That’s because your brother is a pilot. Pilots are high in demand. Patrick cries: But if I don’t *cut it*, he can’t *pile it*! Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.

The first episode is about the flight attendants. I’m making a documentary show about the different jobs in the air travel industry.

The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother’s door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this! Well of course , the mother replies, the president is brother to my son, the Doctor! First Jewish President

The first one says: my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast! The second one answers: Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad! They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he’s always home by 5 . The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. He’s a state employee . Three kids are talking at school…

The first one turns to the other two and says My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have sex 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport. Just 3? Replied the 2nd man. I made love to my girlfriend 5 times. Turning to the 3rd man he asks And you? I only made love to my wife once last night. the 3rd guy replied. Just once? That’s it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning? Don’t stop. Three Businessmen are on a plane

The first sighs and says, My Daniel just loved adventure. I’m going to spread his ashes out of a plane so he can go all the places he never got to. The second dries his eyes and says, My Richard loved fishing, so I’m going to spread his ashes at our favorite fishing hole. The third nods his head, My Paul was a great lover. I’m going to mix his ashes in a bowl of chile so he can tear my ass up one more time. Three gay men in a funeral home…

The five people are: -Trump -Morgan Freeman -Larry Page -The Pope -A schoolboy There are only 4 parachutes. Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. There are only two people left, and one parachute. The Pope says I have lived a long and happy life, you can take the parachute to the schoolboy. The schoolboy replies no, it’s OK, we can both go, the smartest man in America took my backpack! 5 people are in a plane that is about to crash.

The Flash was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, The Flash called Green Lantern to see if wanted to grab a couple of beers. Green Lantern told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Green Lantern ran over to Wonder Woman’s apartment to see If she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. The Flash thought to himself I’m the fastest being on the planet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening. So the Flash did his super thing in a split second & sprints off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said Did you hear anything? NO ! said the Invisible Man, But my ass hurts like hell! The Flash & Wonder Woman

The flight attendant announces to the passengers if i’m about to die, I’m gonna die feelin’ like a woman! Is there anyone here who can make me feel like a woman?! she the proceeds to strip down naked–a man approaches her and removes his shirt–muscles, 6-pack abs and tan. He hands the flight attended and says i can! Here’s my shirt, iron it and make me a sandwich please. A plane is going down…

The flight attendant approaches her and asks her to move back to her seat as these seats are very expensive. She refused to move and said I’m blonde,I’m beautiful and i’ll seat wherever i want . Next comes the co-pilot and she responds the same… After a while the pilot approaches her whisper in her ear and immediately she got up and went back to her seat. The flight attendant and the co-pilot were so surprised and asked the pilot what did you tell her? And he answered I told her,first class doesn’t stop at London A blonde goes on a plane to London and decide to sit in first class seat

The flight attendant asks the gentlemen what they want to drink. The American says I want a whiskey The German says I want a Jagermiester The Russian said I want a vodka And for you? says the flight attendant to the Muslim Nothing I’ll be driving soon An American, German, Russian and Muslim on a plane

The flight attendant could have been a bit more understanding. I just like to sleep naked…

The flight attendant looks at them and says, I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant says, Excuse me, would you like some headphones? Well sure, but how did you know my name is Phones? The in-flight movie is about to start.

The flight attendant tells the kid that is a question for the pilot. She takes the kid to the cockpit and introduces the child to pilot and tells him to ask his question. The kid asks the pilot Why do people have babies but planes don’t have baby planes? The pilot responds, I can’t speak for the other airlines, but this one always pulls out on time. A little kid on a plane asks a flight attendant, How come people can have babies, but planes can’t have baby planes?

The flight attendant warned him not to use the buttons since he was not familiar with them. He gets curious and pushes the first button and it warms the seat. He pushes the second button and it sprays warm water on him and then dries him off. He thinks to himself, This is awesome , and presses the third button. He wakes up three days later in he hospital and asks the nurse what happened. You were warned not to touch the buttons. That last one was the automatic tampon remover. Your dick is under your pillow. A man uses the restroom in the first class cabin for the first time ever…

The flight crew all showed up on time, all except for one brand-new stewardess. They called the hotel and she answered the phone, sobbing. I can’t get out of my room, she cried. What… Why not? There are only three doors in this room. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other way has a sign hanging on it that says, Do Not Disturb’. BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The flight seems to be going fine, until the pilot comes over the loudspeaker and says Gentleman, we seem to be too heavy, and we’re losing altitude quickly. We need someone to grab a parachute and jump out of the plane. And so, the Englishman stands up and volunteers to jump out of the plane. He grabs his parachute, yells Long live the Queen! and jumps out of the plane. About an hour later, the pilot again comes over the loudspeaker, and informs them they need another man to jump out of the plane. The Frenchman proudly stands up, grabs a parachute, opens the door and yells Viva la France!! and jumps out of the plane. Another hour passes, and the pilot once again comes over the speaker. Gentleman, we’re still losing altitude. We need one more person to jump out of the plane. However, we seem to be out of parachutes. After a few minutes of the Mexican and Texan staring at each other, the Texan says Alright I’ll do it. He stands up, opens the door and screams Remember the Alamo!!! And throws the Mexican out of the plane. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan are all in a plane…

The geezer says, So there we were flying in formation over the English channel, when Suddenly these four Fokkers come out of the clouds. So I get behind the first Fokker and shoot him down. Then I do the same with the other three Fokkers. The host interjects, For clarification, I think my guest is referring to the Focke-Wulf 190 German fighter plane. The old man laughs and says, No no! These fokkers were flying Messerschmitts! So in a program on the BBC about WWII, the host is interviewing a surviving member of the Dutch Free Air Force.

The girl is reading, but the businessman is obviously getting bored. So, he says to her ya know, talking is the best way to pass the time on a flight. The girl, showing slight annoyance, puts down her book and says okay, what do you want to talk about? He says let’s talk about religion, do you believe in God? The girl answers yes. Well, I don’t, says the man, how could anybody believe that an invisible man who floats in the sky created everything? The girl responds with there are three animals, a rabbit, a horse, and a cow. The rabbit poops little pellets, the horse poops chunks, and the cow poops patties. Why is that? The man hesitates, and says I don’t know. Well, the girl says, don’t try to talk about God when you don’t know crap. A little girl and a businessman are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The head terrorist is in the cockpit with the pilot. He demands that the pilot takes them to a free country or else the entire plane will blow up. The pilot retorts: This is an airliner, not a spaceship! A plane gets hijacked by a couple of terrorists

The helicopter takes off. After 20 mins into the flight there is a constant beeping noise and the pilot seems to be in a panick Pilot: *Shit, the helicopter is not able to take the weight. I’m unable to control it* Hillary: *What do we do now?* Pilot: *one person has to jump out* Hillary and Trump start fighting saying how important each was and started calling names…when suddenly Pilot: *Since you both are important, I have taken the decision to sacrifice myself* Hillary and Trump start clapping and saying patriotic slogans Pilot jumps with the parachute Hillary and Trump get into a helicoptor

The Husband Store: A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs… She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Like Children… ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking… ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 – These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework… ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 – These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. True Story

The Irishman throws a potato out of the plane, Why did you throw a potato out of the plane? asks the Mexican and the American. Because there is far to many in my country, replies the Irishman. The Mexican then throws a Taco out of the aeroplane. Why did you throw that taco out of the aeroplane? The Irishman and the American ask. Because there are far too many in my country, the Mexican replies. Then the American throws the Mexican out of the aeroplane. Oh my God! Why did you do that? The Irishman asks. To which the American replies. That was my taco. edit: I realise that it is a plane, not an plane, forgot to proofread. An Irishman, a Mexican and an American are in an Plane…

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It’s an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London. Latest Airport Security Device

The Johnsons from Canada decide to head to Florida, staying at the same hotel they honeymooned at for their 20th anniversary. However, due to their last minute decision, both have too take separate flights. When the husband arrives, he immediately emails his wife (Joanne) but in his haste he mistypes her email address. Meanwhile, somewhere in San Antonio, Joan Johnson is returning home from her husband’s funeral, he was a pastor who had died suddenly from a heart attack. She decides to check her email for messages of sympathy and condolence. She promptly faints. When her daughter finds the mother unconscious she revives her, then sees the computer screen: My dearest wife, I have just arrived safely, surprisingly we’re able to use computers down here. Everything is prepped for your arrival tomorrow, I’m looking forward to seeing you! With all my love, James. PS. It sure is hot down here! It sure is hot down here!

The Kiwi sits down in the isle seat, kicks off his shoes, wriggles his toes and relaxes back, oblivious to the discomfort of the Aussies. An hour into the flight, the aussie in the window seat asks if the Kiwi can get up, so that he can go get a beer. To save the fuss mate, I’ll just go grab ya one The Aussie grudgingly accepted, and while the Kiwi was away, the second one picked up one of the Kiwi’s shoes, and spat in it repititively. When the Kiwi arrived with the beer, he asked him earnestly: You wouldn’t mind grabbing another one of those for me would you mate? The Kiwi looked slightly uncomfortable, but went to get another. While he was away they picked up his other shoe and filled it with saliva. The Aussies drank their beers and no words were spoken until the end of the flight, when the Kiwi put his shoes back on. He winced and exclaimed earnestly: It’s got to stop friends! This endless animosity between our two fair contries! The racist jokes, the stereotyping! The animosity, the violence between our sportsmen! He stood up into the isle, looked down and started shaking his head: The spitting in the shoes… and the pissing in the beers. A New Zealander takes his seat on a plane, next to two Australians…

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae… They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. ‘Let’s land’, they decided. And they did. They landed on an anticlearing. They looked around, and on the edge of it, by the antiforrest there was an anticottage. Antismoke flew from the antichimney – ‘The antihut must be inhabited!’, they thought ecstatically. They came closer, took a peek through the antiwindow – the antihut seemed empty. So they reached the antiknob, opened the antidoor, and in the antihall, by the antitable the antisemites sat. *** Translated from Polish, did the best I could. Israel has started it’s own space program.

the Krauts have him tied up and they’re interrogating him. Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg! The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination: Tell us about your nation’s seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg! The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic: You vill tell us all of your country’s seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine! The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. But please , he adds, For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid . NO! The German replies, Vee sink you are trying to escape! There’s this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he’s been captured by the Germans….

The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn’t go all the way. Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?

The little kid says, My grandfather was flying over enemy territory during WW2 when he was hit and he had to eject from the plane. On the way down he pounds a 1/5 of whiskey. Once he landed he killed the first 20 guys he saw with his rifle. He proceeded to kill another 12 with his pistol, 5 more of the enemy died from grandad stabbing them with his knife and after it broke he killed another 3 with his bare hands. The teacher asks in a shocked voice, What did you learn from that? The little kid replies, Don’t fuck with grandpa when he’s been drinking. Little kids turn to speak about what he learned from a relative’s experience?

The little man was terrified of flying, and as soon as the plane took off, he felt sick. But his seatmate was fast asleep, and he couldn’t figure out how to get past him to go to the bathroom. And then it was too late; he got sick all over the big guy. As he frantically wiped up the mess, careful not to wake the giant, the brute’s eyes flew open. The timid man smiled and said in a shaky voice, Feeling better now? A timid little man was seated in the window seat of an airplane next to a scowling brute of a guy.

The man asks, Does your dog bite? and the other guy replies, No, not at all. So then the guy asks, Can I pet him? and the other guy says, Sure. As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite! which the other person replies, That isn’t my dog. Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport. A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man sneezes and reaches into his pants to clean off his goo. This happens several more times during the flight. The woman, disgusted, finally speaks up and tells the man he’s disgusting. He apologizes and tells her he has a condition that makes him have an orgasm every time he sneezes. The woman apologizes and tells him, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make light of your condition. What are you taking for it ? The man replies, black pepper . NSFW. A man and a woman are on a plane.

The mathematician responded that he didn’t go on airplane trips because the probability that there could be a bomb on the plane was too high for his comfort. The man bid the mathematician farewell and left by himself. Not three months later, the man was at an airport when he met the mathematician again. When he asked what made him change his mind, the mathematician responded, The probability of a bomb being on a plane is still too high. However, I’ve calculated that the probability of two bombs being on a plane is low enough for my liking. So now, I bring my own bomb onto planes. A man asked his friend, a mathematician, if he would go on an airplane trip with him.

The meaning of control. The first child says a plane has control panels! The teacher says: That’s nice, sit down. The second child stands up and says I can control the tv channel! The teacher says that’s correct, sit down the third child says my dad pushed my gran down the stairs, then said: Look at that old *cuntroll* A teacher asked her class..

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. > Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. – > Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. – > Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. – > Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. – > Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. – > Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed. – > Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. – > Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for. – > Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. – > Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you’re right. – > Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search. – > Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. – > Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. – > Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed. – > Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw

The Muslim tells his co-worker that he should always fly with him on work trips. The co-worker asks why. The Muslim replies what is the chance that two people bring bombs on one plane. A Man is talking with his Muslim co-worker

The nation called Archimedal was in the west, with rich resources and beautiful forests and rivers and mountains. The nation of Newtonia, in the east, was much more industrialized. They had factories and cities, and all their forests had been razed for lumber. They were at war with each. Archimedal wished to learn the industrial techniques of Newtonia, and Newtonia longed to acquire the vast resources of Archimedal. Unfortunately, between the two nations was the vast Sea of Hyperbola. The only possible way to get from one nation to the other was by boat. Archimedal couldn’t create good enough boats to get to all the way to the other side, and Newtonia had to few resources to use its industry to construct warships. Fortunately for both, right in the middle of the Sea of Hyperbola, was the large island Pythag. It was miles wide, with rivers and lakes and forests and beaches and even a mountain. The mountain was on the northern end of the island, and, growing at the very tippy-top, was the tallest oak tree anyone had ever seen. It was so tall it could be seen from the shores of both Archimedal and Newtonia, as far away as they were. Both nations wanted the island as a base, so as to be able to sail from there and then onto the other nation. The two kings of Archimedal and Newtonia rallied their forces and sent them off the claim the island. Archimedal sent 15,000 knights, with all their squires and cooks and armorers off to fight, while Newtonia sent their entire army of 25,000 Knights, with all their retainers and wives and squires and even the peasantry that lived in the lands held by the knights. All in all, Archimedal sent a total of 100,000 people off to conquer the island, and Newtonia sent 300,000. Meanwhile, as the two nations were filling their ships with food and drink and livestock, the knight of the island of Pythag, was watching the two massing armies. Unbeknownst to either nation, the Island of Pythag was a sacred place, as designated by the Great Spirit Hoken. The Knight of Pythag had been stationed on the island to help protect it from invaders. This noble knight was all alone on the island, except for his single squire, a young lad, barely having reached the age of 16. It was this boy that had first seen the rallying troops, as he patrolled the edges of the island on his daily route. As soon as he saw them, he rushed to the knight. Sir! he exclaimed, The two surrounding nations are preparing for war, with us in between. I fear they may try to claim the island as a means of providing support. The old knight, having known for some time this would happen, simply said to his squire, It need not concern you, if you but do what I ask. You must take our cooking pot, and this rope, and put them in your traveling pack. Take care you do not lose either one, for if you do, all hope is lost. The squire took the rope and the pot and placed them gently in his pack. What will this accomplish, sir? he asked. By themselves, nothing, said the knight, Which is why that was merely the first step in the journey of protecting this island. Next, you must take the rope and the pot up to the northern part of the island, where you will find the island mountain. Up to the top you must climb, and what a perilous climb it will be. Howling winds and wild wolves and paths blocked by rocks and ice could all try to prevent you from reaching the summit. You must not let them. For once you reach the top, you will find the tallest oak tree you have ever seen. You must climb to the top of that tree, with the pot and rope and tie the pot to the very top branch using a noose. You must be very sure to tie it very tight, and it has to be a noose, no square knots or bowline knots. Once you have done that, look to the east, then look to the west. You should see a large eagle flying about the tree. Grab onto one of his legs, and use it to descend swiftly to the bottom of the mountain. Then, quickly make your way back to our camp so we can prepare to defend the island. The squire had no idea how this would help, but knowing how wise the old knight was, he started on his journey. It was a long journey. He climbed hills and forded rivers. He felled trees and hunted deer for food. Many days past. Luckily, both the Nation of Archimedal and the Nation of Newtonia had very slow moving ships, and they were very far away. On his way to the bottom of the great hill, the young squire saw an owl flying overhead. When he finally made it to the bottom of the great mountain, he saw a long, winding path leading up to the top. He climbed and he climbed and he climbed all day. But in the end, he had made little progress up the side of the mountain. As he was laying down to sleep that night, he heard a rumbling noise. He looked up. There was an avalanche headed down the mountain side, right for him! He quickly scrambled to gather up his things, taking particular care to grab the cooking pot and rope before dashing back down the hill. Mid-way down, he stumbled and began rolling. Down and down he rolled, until he hit the bottom of the hill. As he stumbled up and began running away from the avalanche, a single tear rolled down his cheek. He would have cried more, but he knew that he had to be strong. He had to find a new way up the mountain, now that the path was covered. Instead of letting himself get some sleep that night, he made his way wearily around the mountain, searching for another path. By the time the sun had risen, he still had found no such path and was forced to conclude that he would have to make his own. So, he set on up the mountain, trying to take the easiest path possible, for he knew it would be a long journey. Up and up he climbed, day after day. Once, he thought he saw the eagle the old knight had spoken of, circling high above his head. But when a tried to look closer, he saw nothing at all. The night he finally made it to a spot half way up the mountain, as he was lying down to go to sleep, he noticed a strange rock on the ground next to him. It was in the shape of a nearly perfect ‘H’. For reasons unknown to him, his eyes began to brim. The second tear of the journey fell from the corner of his eye. Maybe it won’t be here in the morning, he thought. He told himself to hold it together, and promptly fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke the ‘H’ stone was still there, not having moved from the night before. Feeling ashamed at having been so dimwitted as to think a rock could move by itself, he began again on his long ascent up the mountain. He passed many dangers going up; snakes and scorpions and wolves and bears. But he wouldn’t let any of them frighten him. Until finally, he reached the top of the mountain. There, just as the old knight had said, was the tallest oak tree the squire had ever seen. The young lad wept a third tear as the longest part of his journey was over. Now all he had to do was climb to the top of the tree. He soon found that that was more easily said than done. For while the bark of the tree provided adequate hand and footholds, the sap and branches seemed to cling to him as he climbed, and poked at him and held him back. As he was whipped in the face by a branch for the fifth time, he made up his mind. He was going to finish this climb today, or never. He fought his way boldly through the thick branches on the lower part of the tree, then began to carefully climb the rest of the way, with narrower branches. About half way up, he saw a sparrow resting on a branch on the opposite side of the tree as him. As he watched it, it began to call out in tis song. He listened, then, without so much as a noise, crept over to it to watch it more closely. It sensed his presence, however, and quickly took flight as he neared it. It swooped low down over the trees in the forest, and the squire watched it go. He began to shed his fourth and what would hopefully be final tear of the long hard journey. He was swept with a sense of awe as he gazed at the island he called home. There was so much beauty. He couldn’t let it get destroyed by invaders. With renewed strength, he began climbing again. As he reached the top of the tree, he looked out, over the island once again, knowing that he would probably never see this view again. However, knowing that he didn’t have all that much time, he quickly slipped the rope and pot out of his pack and tied the rope into a noose around the top most branch of the tree. He hung the pot from the noose, high above the rest of the island. Just as he was checking to make sure the pot was secure, he spotted the eagle the old knight had told him about. Using the old bird languages he had learned form the knight, the young squire called the bird over and grabbed its leg. The bird barely even dipped in the air as the squire clung to it, for it was old and incredibly strong. It knew right were to go. The squire was overjoyed to not have to make his way back across the island as the bird carried him back to the campsite the knight was using. They descended a little rough, but nothing the squire couldn’t handle. Your back. said the knight. Good. For tomorrow the armies of Archimedal and Newtonia wll land on the island. Did you succeed in your task? The squire told him that he had, but he still had no idea how that was suppose to help. The knight did not answer. He merely set about preparing for them a modest dinner of bread and cheese. That night, the squire stirred in his sleep, worrying about the coming battle. When they awoke, it was to the sound of war horns. The time had come to fight. Now, this wasn’t exactly the most important battle ever, and knights were of royal blood, which nobody wanted to spill. So the knights sent out their squires to battle for them. The squires of Newtonia rushed forward onto the island near where the old knight and his squire stood, just as the squires of Archimedal did the same on the other side. The old knight quickly got out of the way, leaving his squire to himself. But not before telling him, Remember: when things seems darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot. Still unsure as to how this would help, the squire assured the old knight he would, and told him to stay safe. Then the tides of battle reached the young squire, and he found himself swept up. Both armies were fighting to gain an advantage on the other, and to do that, they had to take the area he was standing on. He couldn’t let them do that. He drew his sword and began to try to drive them back, both sides. He quickly grew nearly exhausted from the effort, and yet both armies seemed to limitless. They pushed into the island, far and wide, long into the day. By about 5:00 at night, the squire realized they were on almost the same path he had taken to the mountain. They were driving him there! He couldn’t let them get there. If the did, they would win. He could not hold them off ot the entire mountain. With this thought, he felt some of his strength come back and he began fighting anew. He manage to drive the armies back a few feet, but seemed that for every five feet he drove them back, they drove him another 12, or 13 feet the other way. As dusk fell, he nearly stumbled to ground, knowing how difficult his fight would be in the dark. But he held his strength, for he knew he must not lose this battle. They fought all through the night, long and hard. Then, just before dawn, the squire stepped back and felt a rise under his foot. The mountain. They had driven him all the way there. He nearly lost all courage then and there. But then he remembered the old knights words: When things seem darkest, go to the mountain. Look up to the pot. Well, didn’t people always say it was darkest before the dawn? He chanced a look up the mountain. Just as he did so, the sun broke over the top of it. It shined in all its glory. The two armies were both blinded by the light as the young squire looked up at the pot he had hung from the noose, way up high. He found himself filled with a new strength, a stronger strength. Suddenly his sword didn’t seem so heavy, and his eyes not quite so tired. And the legends of Newtonia and Archimedal say he fought with the strength of 10,000 men, holding both of the armies at by all by himself. So ferociously did he fight that the opposing armies fled and sailed back to there own lands, never attempting to take the island again. When the battle was over, the young squire returned to the old knight, who as sitting in there camp. What happened to me? he asked, for he was beyond a clue. Think it through, said the knight, think it through and it will come to you. The squire sat and thought, and sat and thought some more. Until finally, he jumped to his feet, one last tear in his eye, as he said, I’ve got it! I know what happened. The old Knight smiled at him, and said, So now you know it is true that the squire of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squire of the other two sides. Once, long ago, there were two nation…

The native american says this is for my people and jumps out the back door The asian says this is for my people and jumps out the back door The black man says this is for my people and throws the white man out the back door . . . . . . . . . . . BONUS ROUND: The arab says this is for my people and flies the plane into the World Trade Center A Black man, a Native American, an Asian, a White Man, and an Arab are in a Plane…

The old man looks at him and says, Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that stone wall? Look how well it’s built. I built that wall stone by stone with me bare hands. I loved it like it was me own child. But do they call me McGreggor-the-StoneWall-Builder? …NO! Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight long days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? …NO! Then the old man points out the window. Eh, laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier all by me self. I fought the waves, I worked through the rain. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? …NO! But ya fuck one goat… A young man is sitting next to an old Scotsman at a bar…

The old man says, Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo… Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo… Then the old man points out the window. Eh, Laddy, look out to sea…Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo… But ya fuck one goat… An old Scottish man sits next to a young man at a bar.

The order was for two large planes! Did you know that papa johns was delivering to the twin towers on nine eleven?

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive. The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane. The cockpit door closes, the engines start up. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they’re heading right towards the water at the end of the runway. Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. Y’know, Bob, he says. One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.

The passengers on the Germanwings flight said it tasted like they were literally eating rocks. Airline food is getting worse and worse

The pilot announces The plane is experiencing a technical fault which means we can’t clear the mountain in front of us. Rather than detouring around it and delaying your arrival, we’ll just remove some parts of the plane to make it lighter. Could the passengers near the back please hold onto any loose items, as we’ll remove the tail first. The stewardesses remove the the tail and the flight continues, until a few minutes later when the pilot comes back on the intercom. We’ve gained some altitude, but not enough. Please hang on to the straps over your heads, we’re going to remove the bottom of the plane. The bottom of the plane is removed, everybody grabs onto the overhead straps, and the flight continues until the pilot announces We still need to gain altitude. We have one parachute on board. Would anybody be willing to jump? You’ll be compensated for the trouble. One man, who is a professional skydiver, volunteers. Everybody applauds. A plane is flying over some mountains

The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the only way to keep the plane in the air is to eject as much weight as possible. The French Ambassador steps up to the door, shouts Vive la France! and jumps out. The English Ambassador runs to the door, shouts God save the queen! and jumps out. The pilot says they’re still too heavy. So the American Ambassador stands up, shouts Remember the Alamo! and throws out the Mexican Ambassador. A U.N plane is going to crash.

The pilot announces that the plane is about to crash and there are only a few parachutes on board. The school teacher immediately screams Save the children! The lawyer yells Fuck the children! The priest asks the lawyer Do we have time for that? A lawyer, a priest a school teacher and her class are on an airplane…

The pilot announces to his passengers that their flight will take about 7 hours and that for almost the entirety of the trip will be over the Pacific Ocean. The Ocean hears this and yells at the pilot Hey! That’s not nice, I may look Pacific, but that’s not how I identify! The pilot apologizes and then makes the correction to his passengers Excuse me folks looks like I made a faux pas, this is actually a Trans-Atlantic flight. A pilot is flying a commercial plane over the Pacific ocean

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb. The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking through the jungle hoping to find civilization when they come across a little boy crying. They ask him Why are you crying little boy? He responds with A loaf of bread fell out of the sky and hit me in the head. The baker, knowing that he did that, stayed behind to comfort him. As the brickmaker and bombmaker continue, they come across another little boy crying. They ask him, Why are you crying? The boy responds, A brick fell out of the sky and landed on my foot. The brickmaker, knowing that this was his doing, stayed behind to comfort him. The bombmaker continues on his walk to find civilization when he comes across another little boy laughing hysterically. He asks him, Why are you laughing? The little boy responds, My daddy farted and the house blew up!!! A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks you to lose some baggage. What do you lose ? The fridge. Why ? Cause it’s heavy. Why is the fridge heavy ? Cause it has a fucking giraffe in it. You are moving cross country. FedEx agrees to fly all your belongings over. During the flight the plane is unable to maintain lift.

The pilot comes on the intercom This is your captain speaking. We seem to have lost an engine and we are quickly losing altitude. So to reduce weight we will need to dump all the cargo and luggage. All the cargo and luggage gets dumped and the pilot comes on the intercom again This is your captain speaking. We are still losing altitude so to save the majority a few must sacrifice their lives and be removed from the plane. To be fair we will choose the unlucky few by alphabetical order. First, all the African-Americans off the plane. They are thrown off the plane. Little boy looks at his grandfather and asks Aren’t we African-Americans? . Grandpa says nothing. Captain comes back on the intercom Seems we are still losing altitude. So all the Blacks off the plane . More are thrown off and the little boy asks his grandpa Aren’t we black? Grandpa says nothing and now the lil boy is getting a bit annoyed. Captain comes on the intercom again This is your Captain speaking, we still seem to losing altitude so all the Colored people off the plane. Grandson now upset yells at his Grandpa Grandpa aren’t we colored? Grandpa motions to his grandson go be quiet and tells him No son we’re niggers today . A grandfather and his grandson are on a flight home when an engine blows…

The pilot comes over the intercom and tells the passengers that the plane will soon crash. The pilot says that there are three parachutes available. The lawyer immediately reaches for the first chute bag he sees and jumps out of the plane. The tax collector is next putting a pack on and jumping out. Now that the boyscout and the priest are the only two left in the plane, the boyscout turns to the priest and says you can take the chute mister. The priest says God bless you son, but I can’t let you do that. The boyscout then says no it’s okay, the tax collector took my backpack. A lawyer, a tax collector, a priest and a boyscout are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the PA and announces: We seem to have some trouble with our engines, and we will crash soon unless some of the passengers immediately jump off the plane. To make it fair, we will decide who’s going to jump according to alphabetical order. First, I would like to ask all the Afro-american passengers to get up and jump off the plane No one gets up. The pilot continues: OK, will all the Black passengers please get up and jump off the plane? Still nothing. OK, may i please ask all the Colored people to get up and jump off the plane? No one is getting up. Suddenly a small boy tugs at his father’s arm: Dad, why aren’t we getting up? The father replies: Because son, today we are Niggers . (Sorry for my english…) During an airline flight

The pilot comes over the PA system and say’s. Folks, we are slowly losing altitude. We have thrown out all the luggage and everything we could now we are going to start with the passenger’s in alphabetical order. African American – African American , any African American’s? Blacks – Blacks , any Black’s? Coloreds – Coloreds , any Colored’s? A little black boy turns to his mother and ask, Mom, aren’t we African American’s? Aren’t we Black? Aren’t we Colored? His mom turned to him and said, Hush, today we’re Niggers, let the Mexicans go first! The little black boy turns to the little Mexican boy and said, ha-ha, you’re going to jump first Mexican boy! The little Mexican boy said, That’s what you think nigger, Today we’re Wet Back’s! Plane trouble

The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader There aren’t enough parachutes, we must give them to the children! Lawyer Fuck the children! Priest Do you think there’s time? A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane.

The pilot had just had a heart attack, they were running low on fuel. While he had flown decades ago during the war, he had no experience with the newer instruments and wasn’t sure if he could land the plane. He grabs the radio and explains his situation to air traffic control. Several voices answer and begin shouting over each other, the man can’t figure out what’s going on. He interrupts them, Please, gentlemen. I’m just a simple pole, in a complex plane. A polish man is forced to take the controls in of a small two-passenger plane [math joke]

The Pilot let me in *Knock Knock* Who’s there ?

The pilot of a transatlantic flight going to Ethiopia comes on the speaker system announcing that there was a malfunction and weight needed to be lost in order to make the flight. The pilot then proceeded to announce that he would be dumping all luggage and cargo to lose weight. After a few minutes the pilot comes back on the PA announcing that unfortunately the weight lost was not enough and the people would have to be thrown off the flight in order for the others to make it. The pilot said since they were not a racist airline that they would proceed in alphabetical order of race and that people should prepare to say their goodbyes to there family and friends. The pilot announces that they will start with A. and says all African American people must jump off the plane. A few people jump off and the flight goes back to normal. A few moments later the pilot says that it wasn’t enough and they will proceed with B. All black people to jump off the flight. Again a few people sacrifice their lives for the rest. The same situation happens once more and the pilot asks for C. all Colored people to jump. After this, the pilot comes on the speaker system and announces that they will be able to land safely thanks to the lives sacrificed and the weight lost. An old lady on the flight notices a very big muscular intimidating black man crying on the flight. She asks him why he is so emotional. Since they will be landing soon. The man responds never in my life have I been so happy to be a Nigger . Airplane Trouble

The pilot of an aeroplane announces they’re about to crash and there is no sign of hope. Upon hearing this a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells Is there anybody man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time? To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells Here, iron this! Make me feel like a woman one last time

The pilot on an airplane announces they’re about to crash and there’s no sign of hope. Upon hearing this, a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells, is there anybody man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman one last time? To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells here, iron this! On an airplane.

The pilot radios in that the plane is experiencing uncharted turbulence. He advises the men to gather their survival gear and prepare for a crash landing. All three servicemen look at each other and decide jumping from the plane would be a better option than going down with it. They all parachute out and land in the ocean. Looking around, they realize their best bet is to swim to shore. As they hit sand, natives come out of the trees yelling YAMA! YAMA! Confused all 3 men draw their weapons and prepare to fight. As more natives emerge, the men realize their efforts would be futile. The chief walks out and declares, you have encountered sacred land, you must choose death or yama. The marine is first, he chooses yama. The natives grab him, tie him to a tree and start fucking him in his ass, one after the other. Next up is the army ranger. At first he thinks, ‘I dont want to die’, but he second guesses himself and chooses yama. The natives grab him and follow suite as they did with the marine. Finally, the seal is up. The chief announces, DEATH OR YAMA! The seal decides that he would rather die than be subjected to yama. The chief screams, YOU CHOOSE DEATH!…….but first……..a little YAMA! The moral of the story is, no matter what you do, you’re always fucked in the end. Goodnight boys and girls. A marine, army ranger and navy seal are all on a plane.

The pilot says over the intercom The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up. The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect. The pilot then says The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls. The Japanese man decides to jump out first and shouts Tenno haika banzai! (Long live the Emperor) . The Englishman in all his dignity closes his eyes, jumps down and shouts God save the Queen! . The American quickly gets up, throws the Mexican off the plane and yells Remember the Alamo! A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane’s about to crash.

The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said ah, we have plenty of those in my country . The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said ah, we have plenty of those in my country . And then the Israeli threw the Arab out of the plane. An Arab, an Israeli and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says that they need to throw out something that they already have a lot of. The Mexican throws out a bag of tortillas, the Asian person throws out a bag of rice, and the Trump supporter throws out the Mexican. A trump supporter, a Mexican, and an Asian person are on a plane when it starts going down

The pilot says the plane is too heavy, everyone will have to throw out the thing they need the least to rid the excess weight. The american goes first he throws out his cheeseburger and the arab asks : why did you throw that out? The american replies casually eh theres plenty more of that where I come from. Arab’s turn *throws out a bomb* as the israeli asks why would you throw that, the arab replies well we got plenty of those we dont need it so the israeli shoves the arab off the plane and the american then asks him why’d you throw him off? And the israeli man replies eh, y’know we kind of have too many of those. The american later gets home to find his 10 year old on the floor laughing his arse off and he say’s what’s so funny boy? The son replies in tears I farted and the neighbours house blew up An israeli an arab and an american are on a plane

the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now. The co-pilot chuckles and says Better yet, I could use a blowjob. The main Stewardess embarrassingly realizing the mic was still on runs up the isle to inform the pilot to turn off the intercom. Just as she is about to enter the cabin a man stands up and says, Hey honey, don’t forget the coffee. Nearing the end of a long flight,

The pilot was a load of bread! Why did the plane crash???

The pilot was a loaf of bread Why did the plane crash into the ocean?

The pilot was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn’t get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, I don’t like Chinese. The co-pilot replied, Ooooh, no like Chinese? WHY is that? The pilot said, You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT’S why I don’t like Chinese! The co-pilot said, Nooooo, noooo …Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese! And the pilot answered, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter. They’re ALL ALIKE. Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the co-pilot said, No like Jew. The pilot replied, Why not? WHY don’t you like Jews? Jews sink Titanic said the co-pilot. The pilot tried to correct him, NO, NO!! The JEWS didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an ICEBERG! Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. ALL SAME! Pilot and Co-Pilot