I’d like to buy some dog food MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He’s at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well…where is he? MAN: He’s at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
A leopard cub gets in trouble at school So this leopard cub, at cat school, gets in trouble for getting answers on another cat’s papers during a test. The principal calls his mother and lets her know what happened and that he wasn’t honest about it when they asked him if he did it or not. So the leopard gets home and the mother cat stops him at the door. She says, Son, I’m so disappointed in you. Your school called and told me what you did and that you were dishonest about it when asked! Listen son, I didn’t raise no cheetah and you better stop that lion! (that was an x-3 original joke there)
A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a masochist are walking down the street The zoophile says: Let’s find a cat and rape her! The sadist says: Let’s find a cat and kill her! The necrophiliac says: Let’s find a cat, kill her and then rape her! The masochist says: Meow.
What’s the best part about a wet pussy [NSFW?] It means your cat has finally gotten into the bath tub
My ex is a bitch So I dated this girl for 5 months and we got married. We were deeply in love and she divorced me on our honeymoon. She took my house, and my car. But jokes on her cause I ran over her cat and shat on the corpse.
A woman takes her parrot to the vet. The vet takes one look at the motionless bird and accurately informs the woman that it has died, and that there will be no charge for her appointment. The woman is indignant. You didn’t even examine him! Aren’t there tests you’re supposed to run or something? The vet replies, I’m sorry ma’am, but your parrot is dead. But, the woman persists. After some futile arguing, the vet heads to the back room and comes back with a feline and a canine. The canine walks over to the parrot, sniffs it paws at it a bit, looks back to the vet, and goes back to sitting at the doctor’s side. The feline goes over, looks over the bird, turns it over with a paw, smelling the corpse thoroughly. Disappointed that it is not going to put up a fight, the feline slinks away to take a nap instead. Like I said, ma’am, it’s dead. That will be $400. WHAT?! You said there would be no charge! There wasn’t going to be, but that was before you demanded a lab report and a cat scan!
A Cannibalistic Protest [text] No one seems to understand why kids have been shooting up school. I think even the kids that do it couldn’t tell you afterward in a way that makes any sort of sense. If you think it’s utterly senseless then you were either brainwashed or you’ve chosen to forget. It’s not about killing classmates and teachers because you hate them, to put what school shootings is into a single phrase they are a cannibalistic protest.’ How do I know this? Because I experienced many dimensions of hating school. In elementary I was a nerd who was respected and I didn’t get picked on, I still hated school. In middle school I grew into a cool kid who girls liked with a lot of friends I was in advanced classes and I still hated school. In high-school I moved to a new city for 9th grade, I was awkward, I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t want to make friends; I was a loser who used to be a winner and guess what, I still hated school. I moved back home and the rest of high-school I was a pot-head and guess what? I kinda started to like school, maybe it was the pot maybe it was maturity . So what does the cannibalistic protest’ hope to accomplish?? It’s domestic terrorism pure and simple But also like the subject of this essay it’s not so simple and it is another phrase that needs defining. Everyone knows what terrorism is but what inspires terrorism is a lot different. And then there’s the domestic part, so what it’s like a house cat compared to a stray cat or a wild tiger? In every case terrorism results from decades, perhaps centuries of corruption and mistreatment of the lower classes by the ruling classes There really is no more complete of a way to nut-shell’ what causes terrorism. Whether it’s suicide bombing, school shootings, or witch burning it’s all terrorist activity. Suicide bombing because war has changed and there is no honor to it anymore, school shootings because schools wont change and there is not enough room for sanity anymore, and witch burning which represents the horror resulting out of the ignorance of culture So a cannibalistic protest is a form of terrorism Okay? dot dot dot Lets try a thought experiment Pretend you’re a kid who shot up your school, daamn, I thought being a loser was the worst thing you could be Now rewind a year or so before you actually went through with the shooting. What kind of thoughts do you have while at school? Exactly, you have thoughts like a cannibal who wants to protest but there’s no one to protest with because cannibalism is as taboo as taboo gets You’re starting to get it…. Now think What country has the most school shootings America, where the first amendment to our sacred text declares that speech is free with? That’s right, Guns! So a gun has become a tool of protest for the non-democratic prison-like education daycare that our youth must endure as a form of un-paid military training to prepare them for a life of overworking underpaid or overpaid under-fulfilled bullshit When you are an army of one or just a few but everyone else is armed with pencils, a gun can make a loud noise . Seriously though Everyday you have to go to school (unpaid work) for 8 hours listening to underpaid adults’ many of which have failed at their first second or maybe 3rd career choice, you’re judged constantly put in social situations where sick cliques develop, people take on roles, the friends you grow up with change, move away, or just turn on you Your parents don’t understand because they spent the last decade trying to forget their entire childhood and young adulthood (basically all the events leading up to them getting married and your being born). Their marriage failed and you’re unsure when the heavy drinking began Before or after the marriage was over Before or after you became depressed [You think about shooting up the school not because you hate the other people but because you love them but you’re so full of hate everyday in the same cycle year after year that you can only feel the hatred That’s why you have to blow holes in them to let the love leak out (did I make the subject funny yet). In all seriousness, there’s so much confusion, so many emotions in a brain still so young and underdeveloped.] Why don’t we focus more on actually making students smarter instead of cramming useless information in with the same cheap strategies giving tests and grades as if studying actually makes you better at anything other than studying I’m not going to die a skeptic because I haven’t lived as a skeptic because my whole fucking life is sapped by the exhaustive feelings of hatred I have towards this undemocratic system which in a nut shell REALLY hasn’t changed in two-hundred years I hate what humanity becomes while a part of it I hate what we think we are as a result of it like no one is real like nothing is real we’re just personalities which are a product of how often we’re prodded by other personalities well I have a personality too and a prod I call Glock Run pencil dat!
I found a bag of kittens.. So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I said yes they are all moving, she said well that will explain the suitcase then.
Did you hear about… …the new WSPA building downtown? The offices are so small, you couldn’t swing a cat in there!
netflix marathons & cats (try konami code) Another April fools joke to take a peak at. Some funny cats w/ using a konami code. :)[netflix! snuggies! cats!](http://challenges.runkeeper.com/netflixmarathon/)
A Little Boy and His Chores A Little boy sits down and ask his mom for breakfast. The mom ask have you done your chores? He pouts and says, no, chores are dumb The mom says he can’t have breakfast until they’re done So the boy walks outside and walks over to the cow and begins milking her. While doing so he gets pissed and kicks the cow and walks away. He then walks over to the Chickens and begins gathering the eggs, and once again he gets pissed and kicks the chickens. Finally he walks over to the pigs and doesn’t even try, he just kicks the pig. He runs back inside and ask his mom for breakfast. She throws down a piece of bread. The little boy ask why. She says, you kicked the cow so no milk for 2 weeks, you kicked the chicken so no eggs for 2 weeks and you kicked the pigs so no bacon for 2 weeks. A few minutes later the dad walks into the kitchen and trips on the cat. The dad gets pissed and kicks the cat across the room. The boy turns to his mom and says, should I tell him or do you want to
I havent had sex But i spilled water on a cat once Does that count as getting the pussy wet?
4 guys are hanging out And they were really bored. So the Zoophile has an idea to heighten the mood. He tells them, let’s take a cat and let’s rape it. The Sadist says let’s take the cat, rape it, and then stab it. The arsonist says let’s take the cat, rape it, stab it, and then set it on fire. After a long pause, the masochist says meow.
A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife Saint Peter was right outside heaven’s gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven. Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to the desk he firmly claimed it was a mistake and demanded to be brought back to life to his beloved wife, children and cats (while banging his fists on the table). Saint Peter calmly checked his files and figured out this man was actually right, the angels of death had made a mistake. The man protested, he wanted to live again. Saint Peter told him it was impossible, but had on offer at hand for him: he could come back to the world… as an animal, not a human. He could choose any animal he wanted. The man thought about it, he didn’t wanted to be an ugly nasty cockroach, neither a tiger since he would have to fight. He went for a spider. A tiny, insignificant spider. ABRACADABRA The miracle was made, and now he was a spider at the top of the tree. He was amused. He wanted to make a web, so started pushing it out of his ass. PUSH… again, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH… And suddenly, a voice: HONEY, WAKE UP, YOU SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS!! OH MY GOD, ALL OVER THE BED!!!
What animal is two animals at the same time? The Cat: because is a cat and a spider 🙂 … oh, wait.
The Origin of Pets A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from? Adam and Eve said, Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG. And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well. And God said, No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration. And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
Why is your cat at school? The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
Cat Race So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, ‘Un Duex Trois, and English cat ‘One Two Three’ will race across the channel. The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning. Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.
Typical Cat walks into bar and sits at the counter. Bartender: What will you have? Cat: A shot of whiskey. (Bartender pours whiskey into shot glass and gives to cat) Cat slowly pushes the shot glass off the counter. Cat: I’ll have another.
what do bieber and grumpy cat have in common? What do bieber and grumpy cat have in common? They are both pussies who were discovered on the internet.
In the bar A guy walks up to a an absolutely stunning lady at a bar and says Ok check it . You may ask three questions . If I answer one wrong it’s over , then I go . Oookay. Uh. Which is my favorite animal? Now, I thought you would ask something about me , something I could answer . But let’s see . You are obviously not a cat person, I can see that right away . Possibly a sporty companion , something that requires a lot of work . I thought at first horse but given that you drink the Pabst, you are hardly a horse girl. Economy and time does not permit it, you prefer something with less maintenance cost , but enough to keep you going. You might even jogging or * throws a knowing look to the legs * , yes , running even with your dog buddy. Not only do I know it ‘s a dog from how you look , it’s also about who you are . I see in your eyes infinite love flowing , but you do not love enough, you cannot. That is why you are close to your family, to the dog , and to the pub because you still need more..! Well, here I am. Um.. ok but you still have to pay me if you wanna fuck.
The good Samaritans So a couple are driving down the highway. They see an injured cat on the side of the road. They stop the car and check it out, but it’s a skunk. Being the good people they are they decide to still take it to the vet. They’re driving down the highway when a police man behind them puts his lights on. The lady freaks out and thinks the cop will think they hurt the skunk. The man has an idea and said hide the skunk in between your legs. The lady says what about the smell? The man says plug its nose.
Poison mushrooms It had been years since Bob and Jeff saw each other, but by complete coincidence they run into each other at the mall. They immediately start catching up on everything that’s happened. So, anything happen in your life lately? Jeff asks. I got a new cat a few weeks ago. Bob replies. Oh, nice! But, uh, it died. No! Jeff says. What happened? Poison mushrooms. Jeff consoles his friend, and eventually they go their separate ways. A few weeks later, as luck would have it, they run into each other again. Bob! What’s up? Not much. Got another cat, but he died too. Oh no! Jeff says, stunned. What happened? Poison mushrooms. Again? Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that… Jeff again consoles his friend. A few months later, they run into each other yet again. Bob! How’s life treating you? I got married. Bob replies. Wow, congratulat Don’t congratulate me too soon, she died last week. Jeff gasps. Oh… oh no. Bob, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I could ever say to make you feel better. What happened to her? Blunt force trauma to the head. Blunt force trauma?! Bob nods. Yeah, she wouldn’t eat the fuckin’ mushrooms!
They say Curiosity killed the cat Why there was a cat on Mars we’ll never know.
When I die I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time. Why there was a cat on Mars we’ll never know.
At the vet’s A man comes hurrying into a vet office, carrying his dog in his arms. Help me! he shouts. The vet comes out of his office, and looks at the dog in the man’s arms. Give him to me said the vet, I’ll do some tests on him. Do them all the man says. He put the dog on an examining table, and opened the door to admit a cat. The cat sat still, looked up and down the dog. and she made a mournful cry, and left. As the cat left, a lab retriever entered. He took a look at the man’s dog and barked. A half-hour passed and the vet appears in the waiting room. Sir, I’m sorry we could not save your dog. So we have to settle up. now. Here’s your invoice says the vet. $1200 for my dog to be examined? How is that? the dog’s owner cried out. Sir, the vet said, you did order a cat scan and a lab report…
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast… Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. Not yet. said Little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal? he asks. Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk. Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: Are you going to tell him, or should I?
My cat accomplishes more than politicians do. My cat eats, poops and sleeps. Politicians eat and sleep, and that’s why they’re so full of shit.
Your Duck is Dead– A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
A woman goes into the local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do everything. The owner thinks about it and says, How about a dog? The woman replies, No, I had a dog before. He was great but all he did was eat, sleep, and play fetch. want a pet that can do everything! The owner thinks some more and says, How about a cat? The woman replies, No way! A cat certainly can t do everything: in fact, I’ve never seen them do anything! I want a pet that can do everything! The owner thinks for a long time and then says, I’ve got it! What you want is a millipede! The woman looks at the owner skeptically and says, A millipede? can’t imagine a millipede doing everything. But okay, I’ll try a millipede. When the woman gets the millipede home, she’s eager to try him out, so she says to him, Please clean the kitchen. Thirty minutes later, she walks into the kitchen and it’s spotless. All the dishes are cleaned and neatly put away. The cabinets are clean and the floor is waxed. She’s absolutely amazed. Wanting to see what else he can do, the woman says to the millipede, Please clean the living room. Twenty-five minutes later, she walks into the living room, and again everything’s perfect. The carpets have been vacuumed. The furniture was cleaned and dusted. The woman is once again impressed. The woman thinks to herself, This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This pet really can do everything. Wanting him to do more, she says to the millipede, Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper, please. The millipede walks out of the living room. Ten minutes go by and no millipede. Twenty minutes go by and still no millipede. After thirty minutes the woman is starting to wonder what’s going on. It should have taken the millipede only a couple minutes. But forty-five minutes later and still no millipede. Deciding to look for him, the woman goes to leave out the front door. She opens the door and the millipede is just sitting on the front steps. The woman becomes furious. She says, Hey! Where have you been all this time? I asked you 45 minutes ago to go to the corner store and get me a newspaper. Then I come to find you and you’re sitting down on the job. What’s going on? The millipede replies, I’m going. I just have to put my shoes on!
I hear the Pope is addicted to watching cats videos Some say he is a Cat o Holic
Curiosity has killed my cat…. At least I think it did. I mistook Schrodinger’s box for my cat carrier when I threw the squeaky-catnip-mouse toy in…
I hate my job… My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Lil Johnny is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy’s hand shoots up. Not correct, Miss! he says. Please explain, Lil Johnny replies the teacher. Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbour’s Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ But before he could say, ‘Fuck Off!’, the dog ate him.
so there is a fly…… flying down by a river and if it drops 6in above the water line a trout can jump up and eat the fly but there is a bear on the rivers edge so inorder to get the trout the fly has to drop down 6 in and the trout has to eat the fly in order for the bear to snag it but the there in a hunter and in order to make a ethical clean kill the bear must go for the trout and the fly has to drop down 6in but then there is a mouse that wants the hunters sandwich so the hunter has to make the shot the bear has to go for the trout and the fly has to drop down 6 in but then there is a cat waiting to ambush the mouse mouse by the sandwich waiting for the mouse ot go for it…so the fly drops down 6in the trout jumps the bear grabs the trout the hunter makes the shot and the mouse scurries for the sandwich the cat jumps to ambush and falls in the river so what did you learn?…. when the fly drops 6in that pussy is gettin wet
What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars? The Cat in the AT-AT
A blonde takes part in a game show [Disclaimer: I don’t know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, ’cause it’s actually a pretty fun story ] First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last? a) 99 years b) 116 years c) 100 years d) 150 years The blonde prefers to use her one free pass joker at this point, so here comes the next question: where does the Panama hat originate from? a) Ecuador b) Venezuela c) Colombia d) Panama The blonde asks the public’s help joker and here comes the next question: what was George VI’s first name? a) Albert b) Jonah c) George d) Constantine The blonde uses the 50:50 joker and here comes the next question: during which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? a) September b) October c) November d) February The blonde uses the phone call joker and here comes the next question: which animal gave its name to the Canary Islands? a) Seal b) Canary c) Monkey d) Cat The blonde says the wrong answer and loses the game. Did you laugh at the blonde for using her jokers to answer such *easy* questions? Well, here are the correct answers: 1 – 116 years (from 1337 to 1453) 2 – Ecuador 3 – Albert 4 – November (because the Russians’ calendar used to be Julian as opposed to Gregorian (in the latter, the revolution’s date is 7 November) 5 – Seal (monk seal = *canis marinus* or sea dog / Canariae Insulae = Islands of the Dogs)
As heard on the bayou.. After a Saturday night of drinking, Thibodeaux heads to the local cat house for some companionship. He is walking around checking out the ladies when he spots Boudreaux’s wife Marie, in a sexy negligee talking to a potential client. Not wanting to be seen, he hurriedly leaves the building. The next day Boudreaux done passes by Thibodeaux’s house and finds him depressed. What’s wrong with you Thib? You seem sad. I can’t tell you Boudreaux , came his reply. Oh man you can tell me anyting Thib; we done known each other since grade school. Okay, Marie is a prostitute! I done saw her at the cat house last night! Aw Thib, she ain’t no prostitute. She only goes in on Saturdays. She’s a substitute.
