My old lady was furious… CAREFUL! Another don’t drink coffee while reading this unless you like cleaning your desktop monitor!! My old lady turned to me during her mother’s funeral and hissed, When we get home, I’m going to make you ∫cuking pay for this! For the life of me I couldn’t think of what I had done wrong. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t sharing my popcorn.
Some Strange jokes. 0_0 Knock, knock. Who’s there? A scientist trying to find out what makes jokes funny. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you. The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill? The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over! Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear. I don’t need to outrun the bear, the first guy says. I just need to outrun you. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, What the hell was that all about? A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words. The guy replies, Hey, why not. He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly. Paint my .house. A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, No, let me see the next room. In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, I pick this room. Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads! t’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. No, says the neighbour. The seat is empty. This is incredible, said the man. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it? The neighbour says, Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible .But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat? The man shakes his head. No, he says. They’re all at the funeral. Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says, How long has it been since you had a job? The other actor says, Thirty two years how about you? The first actor says, That’s nothing. I haven’t had a job in forty years! The other one says, One of these days we have got to get out of this business!
Sexual Harassment joke Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, It’s Keith, the midget.
The Devil’s in the details A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’
As a gay male, just once, I wish someone would ask me how I like my coffee. Them: Hey, how do you like your coffee? Me: Like I love my men! Them: Oh, Black? Me: No, anally!
An old cowboy is sitting at a coffee shop just having a cup to pass the time… A biker comes up and says Hey Tex, where did you park your horse? The Cowboy looks up, looks the biker up and down and returns to his coffee. The Biker nudges his shoulder, ticks his hat, chuckles at the feather nestled in that old leather band….Well that old cowboy looked that greasy biker in his eyes and said Why don’t you go eff asterisk asterisk asterisk yourself? The biker, more shocked and confused than anything, gestured to his gang and walked out the door…Now the waitress, thoroughly confused, came up to the cowboy and asked Why did you say that? and The Cowboy with a big ole Texas grin says Ma’am there’s ladies around.
Starbucks order Could I have a no-whip Gagarin au lait? What’s that? It’s a basically the typical cafe au lait. The only difference its dripped through a micro-filter and must be poured over organic steamed milk. Also, the coffee beans must be roasted by packing them into a copper container which is released into low earth orbit so they roast upon re-entry. Some people get it with whipped cream on top, but I would like mine no whip, but that should make it easy right?
Alexa, tell me a dirty joke The patron tells the waiter this coffee tastes like mud . The waiter replies yes sir, it is fresh ground .
How I like my coffee. A man walks into a diner and sits down an orders a coffee. The waitress comes over and asks how he wants his coffee. He responds I like my coffee how I like my women, without a penis
74 Offensive Jokes Do not read if you are easily offended. Food is like dark humor, not everyone gets it. So I’m eating at my favorite restaurant, right? And all of the sudden this jerk from security walks up to me and says I have to leave, and long story short, I’m no longer allowed at the abortion clinic. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks? You can’t take a joke. What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. What’s the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race. What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I cry when I’m cutting up an onion. What’s the similarities between a jew and a stiff nipple? They both disappear after a hot shower. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? I don’t ejaculate on an apple before I eat it. What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes. What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor. Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she didn’t have a seatbelt on. What’s black and found at the top of stairs? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. What’s 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night long? Cot death. Have you ever had Ethiopian food before? Neither have they. What’s the best way to get bubble gum out of your hair? Leukemia. Why can’t blind people skydive? It scares the hell out of the dogs. Did you know Helen Keller was one of the first visitors to Disney World? Neither did she. What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? One’s fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a fruit. What’s black and dangerous to cut through? The line at KFC. What do you call a black woman who has an abortion? A crimestopper. A jew with an erection runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose. How do you pick up Jewish chicks? A dustpan. How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve. What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. What’s the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout came back from camp. What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? You WANT the pizza to come out of the oven. What’s worse than the Holocaust? 6 million jews. Why isn’t Hitler invited to barbecues? He burns all the Franks. Why did so many Jews die in Auschwitz? The exit was coin operated. What’s the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank? Harry came out of the chamber. Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands. What’s the difference between a jew and Santa? Santa goes down the chimney. Why can’t women ski? There’s no snow in the kitchen. If a truck driver hits a woman with his truck, who’s to blame? The truck driver, he shouldn’t have been driving in the kitchen. Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove. *Graphic Content* What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor. What’s green and eats nuts? Syphilis. 4 out of 5 people enjoy gang rape. What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? The line at the Boston Marathon. Why don’t Saudi’s have sex ed and drivers ed in the same week? To give the camels a break. How do you castrate a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. People say pedophiles are terrible people, but at least they slow down in school zones. What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re 13. What’s better than being in the special olympics? Not being retarded. What’s the best part about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s 20 of them. My girlfriend called me a pedophile the other day. Pretty big word for a 10 year old. *Graphic Content* What’s 5 inches, pink, and makes my girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink. What kind of file is needed to stretch a hole from 10mm to 30mm? A Pedophile. Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Newton’s 1st Law of Motion. I’m still looking for my ex-wife’s murderer, but no one will do it. Have you heard the one about the child with aids? It never gets old. I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I wondered to myself Is that mine? . Fortunately, when I got home, it was still there, shining my shoes. What’s small, red, and climbs up your leg? A homesick abortion. My friends gave me his Epipen right before he died, he really wanted me to keep it. What do you call an abortion surgeon? Spawn camper. What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and n Afghan wedding? I don’t know man, I just fly the drones. *Graphic Content* What is worse than a pile of dead babies? The live one on the bottom eating its way out. My wife is mad at me because she caught me having sex with our child. She was really upset because our child died only three days ago. But now that I think about it, isn’t it strange the abortion clinic let us keep it? Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? It wasn’t born yesterday. How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth? All of them. I like my women like I like my pizza. Sliced up and in a box. I like my women like I like my coffee, ground up and in a freezer. How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb. I don’t know, but I know it’s at least more than 24. *Graphic Content* What’s the hardest part of cutting up a dead baby? My erection. What’s the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage. How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you turn off a Jew? Offswitch (say it fast). Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman. Just kidding, it’s because she’s dead. Why can’t Helen Keller have kids? Because she’s dead. What’s silver and hates kids? A coat hanger.
Benefits of coffee A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon …
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. Just think, the old man says, we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago. Well, the old lady snickers, what do you say — should we get naked? The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. You know, honey, the little old lady says slyly, My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago. I’m not surprised, replies the old man. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
A blind man gets in a cab on his way back from work, and cracks down his window as it’s a nice day. He and the driver make some small talk, when the driver eventually asks, Is it true that blind people have a better sense of smell than the rest of us? Of course it is! the blind man exclaims. I’ll prove it to you. Alright, the driver says. The blind man takes a deep breath then says, There’s a coffee shop on the corner of this block. And it seems like they’re serving a lot of caramel today. Sure enough, the cab reaches the corner to find a coffee house. The sign out front reads, Today’s Special: Caramel Cappuccino. The driver’s eyebrows raise. I’m impressed! The blind man smirks, confident in his skill. The taxi then stops in front of a flower shop, and the blind man inhales again. I can smell potted sunflowers, roses, daffodils, and bouquets of tulips, he says. The cab driver looks out and is surprised to see only those flowers lining the exterior of the shop. That’s incredible, you’re right again! the driver says, then continues up the street after the light changes. I told you I was good at this, the blind man says, smiling again. The taxi drives around for a bit more, before it stops in front of a fish market. *This one’s too easy,* the taxi driver thinks, wrinkling his nose. To his surprise, the blind man takes a big whiff of air, then leans his arm out of the window. In a deep, suave voice, he says, Hello, ladies.
Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly? When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, Marc, with a C. Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Sexual Harassment joke…. Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, It’s Keith, the midget.
Happy Hour A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: Two cents. The guy thinks it’s a joke and asks: Ok, how much for a beer? Bartender replies: Two cents. The guy gets angry: And the steak dinner? How much? Bartender replies again: Two cents. The guy has had enough of the joke and says: Can I speak to the manager? Bartender replies: No, he’s upstairs with my wife. Guy: What is he doing with your wife? Bartender: The same thing I’m doing to his business.
What a Shitty experience All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, Everything Must Go! This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience: 0.Occupied 1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one. 2.Poo on seat. 3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. – Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial herald fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. Oh my God, I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)?? Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth…. not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God… followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. – Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan… A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice. So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. Of the three, this one looks best, he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, Ok, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar…. An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
A young boy wanted to become a farmer. A young boy wanted to become a farmer. An established farm owner took the boy under his wing to teach him all that he knew. Once the boy finished his initial training, the owner gave the boy a very special seed. You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure it has enough light, it will grow into something wonderful! The boy watered and fertilized the seed only once, and to his surprise it sprouted into a bush of herbs. The boy was astonished that the simple directions of the owner were true; the boy had not put much effort or care into the task, yet the plant grew on its own. The winter passed, and in the spring the boy was saddened to see that the herbs had died. He went to the farm owner to ask why. The owner was sipping hot tea. Ah, annuals, said the owner, who then went on to explain that the type of seed he gave the boy would sprout only once and then die. Pleased with the boy’s progress, he gave the boy another very special seed. You must work hard, boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure it has enough light, it will grow into something wonderful! The boy watered and fertilized the seed only once, and to his surprise it sprouted into a beautiful flower. Again the boy was astonished that he simply planted the seed and it grew despite that he had forgotten to care for it. He smiled to himself in an arrogant fashion, proud that he had developed such a green thumb. He waited another year, and the flower bloomed again. The boy deduced that the seed he was given must have been of a different sort, one that would sprout many times before it would die. And yet after another year passed, it was clear that this plant had died too. He went to the farm owner to ask why. The owner was sipping hot coffee. Ah, perennials, said the owner, who then went on to explain that the type of seed he gave the boy would sprout several times across the years before dying. Confused with why the plant had died after only two years of life, he gave the boy another very special seed. You must work hard boy. If you water and fertilize this seed, and make sure it has enough light, it will grow into something wonderful! The boy watered and fertilized the seed only once, and to his surprise it never even sprouted. This was supposed to be easy! the boy shouted in frustration. The last two seeds had bloomed without him doing any work at all. He stormed into the farm owner’s house, demanding to know why the seed had not sprouted. The owner was sipping a cocktail. Ah, millennials, sighed the owner.
You never have to worry about Starbucks running short on coffee. I hear they always have a latte
An old couple gets in the mood. There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years. Yeah, she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. I know, the old man said, We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago. Well, Granny snickered, What do you say…should we get naked? Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know, honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied, My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago. I wouldn’t be surprised, replied Gramps. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
Walking through San Francisco ‘s Chinatown , a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners……When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry.’ ‘Moishe Plotnik?’ he wondered. How does that belong in Chinatown ? He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, Can you explain how this place got a name like ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry?’ The old man answered, Ah…Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner. Looking around, the tourist asked, Is he here? It me, replies the old man. Really? You’re Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik? Is simple, said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at ‘Documentation Center of Immigration.’ Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland .. Lady at counter look at him and say, What your name? He say, Moishe Plotnik. Then she look at me and say, What your name? I say, Sam Ting.
I like all my women to be I like all my women to be Just the same as my morning coffee, I.e. liquid and hot, Often drunk on a yacht And usually bought for a fee.
Breakfast was a very late affair that day… and the husband and wife were fragile indeed — badly hungover from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, Was it you I had anal sex with in the garden last night? She struggled to bring him into focus and asked: About what time?
Guy applies for a job as a Prison Officer The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start? The guy says No thanks, I don’t drink coffee. The interviewer asks Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job? The guy says I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn’t stop me performing my duties as a Corrections Officer . The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position. He says The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700. The guy asks why and the interviewer says Well, for the first two hours we all stand around scratching our balls and drinking coffee, and there’s no point you coming in for that.
Man asks blonde for coffee without cream. Blonde replies: We’re out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?
[REQUEST] Coffee Puns My google searches led me to no great jokes, and I actually need them for a class. If you can give me some coffee puns, I’d be truly grateful. Please espresso feelings!
An excerpt from So Long, and Thanks For All the Fish (Adams Chp20). A brief story about biscuits. I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is equally possible, he added after a moment’s reflection, that British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn’t occurred to me before. Get on with it. Fenchurch laughed. So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee. You do the crossword? Yes. Which one? The Guardian usually. I think it tries to be too cute. I prefer The Times. Did you solve it? What? The crossword in the Guardian. I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet, said Arthur, I’m still trying to buy the coffee. All right then. Buy the coffee. I’m buying it. I am also, said Arthur, buying some biscuits. What sort? Rich Tea. Good Choice. I like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And don’t ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I can’t remember. It was probably round. All right. So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits. I see it perfectly. What you don’t see, said Arthur, because I haven’t mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me. What’s he look like? Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didn’t look, said Arthur, as if he was about to do anything weird. Ah. I know the type. What did he do? He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and… What? Ate it. What? He ate it. Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. What on earth did you do? Well, in the circumstances I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled, said Arthur, to ignore it. What? Why? Well, it’s not the sort of thing you’re trained for is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits. Well, you could… Fenchurch thought about it. I must say I’m not sure what I would have done either. So what happened? I stared furiously at the crossword, said Arthur. Couldn’t do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice, he added, that the packet was already mysteriously open… But you’re fighting back, taking a tough line. After my fashion, yes. I ate a biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit, Arthur said, it stays eaten. So what did he do? Took another one. Honestly, insisted Arthur, this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground. Fenchurch stirred uncomfortably. And the problem was, said Arthur, that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject a second time around. What do you say? Excuse me…I couldn’t help noticing, er… Doesn’t work. No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigor than previously. My man… Stared at the crossword, again, still couldn’t budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St. Crispin’s Day… What? I went into the breach again. I took, said Arthur, another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met. Like this? Yes, well, no, not quite like that. But they met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you, said Arthur, that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time. I can imagine. We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me… The whole packet? Well it was only eight biscuits but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time. Gladiators, said Fenchurch, would have had to do it in the sun. More physically gruelling. There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course. As it happened, my train was announced a moment or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper… Yes? Were my biscuits. What? said Fenchurch. What? True. No! She gasped and tossed herself back on the grass laughing. She sat up again. You complete nitwit, she hooted, you almost completely and utterly foolish person.
The Man Test THE MAN TEST 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…Faggot. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog….. ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums! Jeeez, you’re so queer. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.. 6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. 8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.
A man is on a plane… A man is on a plane when the pilot announces that the plane will be cruising at 35000 feet but forgets to turn the mic off. He turns to the co-pilot and says You know I could really go for a blowjob and a cup of coffee. One of the stewardess’s comes rushing up up to the cabin to tell the pilot to turn the mic off when a passenger yells; Hey honey, don’t forget the coffee!
Someone was told me that they were an actor. I told them I wanted coconut milk in my chai latte.
How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip… A man and his friend are having coffee one morning when the friend brings up the definition of a Freudian slip. The man asks what this Freudian Slip is and his friend describes it as this: It’s when you mean to say one thing, but another word comes out. For instance, the other day I was trying to buy a couple bus tickets and asked the woman at the counter for two tickets to Tits-burgh instead of Pittsburgh. The woman had rather large breasts and my mind was not fully concerned with the tickets, he says, chuckling. The man says Oh sure, that makes sense. You know, I had something like that happen to me the other day! I was sitting there at the breakfast table with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the orange juice, he says. What did you say instead? asks the friend. I said ‘You’ve ruined my life, you bitch’
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa. The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died. Holy crap thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
Discussing Funerals Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral? The first man thinks a bit and says, I’d like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children. The second man thinks and says, I’d like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord. The third man says, I hope they say ‘Look! He’s moving!!’
An elderly couple take an anniversary cruise… On the first morning, they’re at breakfast. The bride of fifty years leans over the table and says honey, my nipples are still burnin’ for you like the first time we met. The old man, without skipping a beat, says well baby, that’s because one of them is in the oatmeal and the other one’s hanging in the coffee!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He was drinking his coffee before it was cool.
Cuckoo clock The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, I promise! Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her MIDNIGHT she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said oh shit Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Whats Black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, ya racist.
I like my coffee like I like my women I like my coffee like I like my women Iced cold and milky white
Dumb Fucks Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy, said my 3-year-old from his car seat. Where? I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them. The white one, he continued. That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description. That dumb fuck is dirty, he said. Why is that dumb fuck so dirty? It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Some are dirtier than others, I replied. It comes with the territory. We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little – some of us more than others. Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy? he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical. I don’t like being too close to them, I answered. They are pretty fun to watch, though. My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car. Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks? I knew that she had. Honey, she said with a straight face. They’re called dump trucks. Dumb fucks, he repeated. Exactly, I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.
What is black and doesn’t work? Decaffeinated coffee.
Why does coffee have such a bad reputation? My wife and I had differing opinions on this. (One dad joke style and one completely non-pc) Looking forward to hearing from the masses. Edit: because apparently everyone wants the answer to the joke and nobody can think for themselves. I said : coffee gets a bad rep because it’s black She said : it gets mud everywhere Yes it’s a bad joke. I’m sorry
International Businessmen A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner. Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy CITIBANK! Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS! Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase SABIC*! They then all wait for the Jew to speak… The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: I’M NOT SELLING!
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because they’re only good for making coffee.
What if the Super Tuesday results were actual soups? Alabama • 53 delegates The Democrats here elevated a classic cream of mushroom, picking mostly Hen of the Woods while the overwhelming majority of Republicans here insisted on drinking the Kool-Aid, even though the beverage is technically not a soup in any way. Arkansas • 32 delegates The Republicans were presented with a fountain of hot spring water, in which a small ham was placed. They were very proud of their ingenuity. A consom of edamame was most popular among the Democrats, however a few faithfully subsisted on some muscadines they tried to grow in office. Alaska • 28 delegates Republicans flip flopped around in a Shark Fin Soup but we have to wait until March 26th to know how the Democrats prefer their Ceviche. Colorado • 66 delegates All of the soup in Colorado is excellent, no jokes here. The Democrats were going to make the best decision and they did. By the time July rolls around, the Republicans’ soup will old and smelly in the fridge and it will probably not be edible. Georgia • 102 delegates The Republican party had more ham but the FCC might be fining $1000 for failure to identify what animals they actually ate. The chickenhawk & dumplings was the Democratic favorite. Massachusetts • 91 delegates Democrats came up with a neat idea to use razor clams in a New England chowder but they settled on a she-crab soup instead. Republicans gobbled the guk. Minnesota • 77 delegates In a refreshing change for Republican diners, Ajiaco was the crowd favorite while Democrats feasted on Lutefisk. Oklahoma • 38 delegates While the state is still searching for its signature soup, Republicans went with a prociutto-wrapped jelly donut. The bacon end got burnt, and the belly came up on top. For the Democrats, it was a Coffee Party USA, they swept in on a wind Dean Dozen of the plain, cake donuts- the best of the donuts. Tennessee • 67 delegates A coalition was formed to procure a spread of country hams for the Republicans. Diners preferred the taste of animals that were willing to be slaughtered. Sanders supporters got tired of soup too so they started pouring bourbon to accompany neglected goo goos clusters while the majority of the Democrats imagined a future of lame duck soup noodles in a blue bowl. Texas • 222 delegates Lunch pail democrats we’re not pleased with their party’s decision to go with Mrs. Grass as the golden nugget has been discontinued. Republicans opted for their shelf staple, Campbell’s Chunky Barbecue Seasoned Pork. Vermont • 16 delegates The grassroots vegetable soup stole the show on the Democratic menu here. In a Frankenfood alternative, Republicans opted for the Government cheddar cheese dip. Virginia • 95 delegates Democrats decided to start smoking, they thought it was more enjoyable than than eating too much. The Republican party obviously decided to split up a Virginia ham, but there was a hair in it. There you go again.
What do male lawyers call a female barrister? A barista. Because she’s only useful for getting coffee.
A joke I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.
