TIFU Up is my horse
Lone Ranger Find Tonto laying on trail, ear to ground. Tonto! What you doing down there? Red stage coach, 4 horses pulling, 3 brown, one black. Two men on top driving, one gray beard, other black. People inside laugh. Tonto! How can you tell all that by listening to ground? No Kimosabe. They run over me 10 minutes ago.
the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions. It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing. May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead. May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters. May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears. Sign in a marriage counselor’s window: Out to lunch – Think it over. The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
A filthy dirty joke 4 white horses fell in a mud puddle!
A young cowboy walks into a bar… As his eyes adjust to the light, he sees an old cowboy across the room slouched over, staring into a bowl of chili. He walks up and says, Well if you’re not going to eat it, mind if I do? So the old cowboy slides it across the table and, hungry from a long day on horseback, the young cowboy starts wolfing it down. Near the end of the bowl, he see’s a dead mouse lying there on the bottom and absolutely pukes his guts out right back into the bowl. The old cowboy finally lifts his head with a grin and says, That’s about as far as I made it too.
What did Ronald Reagan say in his presidential campaign? Electron. Also, what did the Greek warrior say when he saw the wooden horse? Hydrogen ^^^^please ^^^^spare ^^^^me
When I look up at the majesty of all them stars it really gets me to thinkin, when we gonna get that ding dong roof patched up!? Ah horse apples!
The lone Ranger and Tonto The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says Tonto are you ok ? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says buffalo come the lone Ranger says you can tell that by listening to the ground ? Tonto says no, ground very sticky.
A midget with a speech impairment A midget with a speech impairment wants to buy a horse, so he goes to a farm and the farmer takes him to see a beautiful mare. He says to the farmer can I shee itsh mane? So the farmer lifts him up and the midget says thatsh a vewwy nishe mane, can I shee itsh earsh?? So the farmer lifts him up and the midget says vewwy nishe earsh can I see it’s mouff??? So again the farmer lift the midget and he says vewwy nishe mouff, can I see it’s twat?? So once more the farmer lifts the midget and inserts him fair in the horses arse. After about a minute he pulls the midget out of the horses arse and the midget wipes the crap off his face and says maybe I should rephashe that, can I see it run around a little bit!
Guy walks into a bar… A horse is behind the bar. The man just stares at the horse. What can I get you? asks the horse. Oh, I’ll have your house special on draught please. But he keeps staring at the horse. The horse brings him his drink, and then leaves to attend another customer. A couple minutes later, he returns, only to find the man still staring. Okay sir, I haven’t done or said anything to you, so why are you staring at me like that? Stop looking at me! The man shakes his head in astonishment. Oh, sorry. I was just wondering what happened to the goat who worked here before.
old linux joke I like my women like my kernels about 6 years old and stable
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, Mind if I ask why’d ya kiss your horse on the butt? The cowboy says, It’s ’cause I got chapped lips. The bartender asks, Does manure help them heal? Cowboy replies, No, but it keeps me from licking them.
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off. What did you do to get that Indian so excited? asked the service station attendant. Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off. Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback.
Race Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing. However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race. To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: Priest’s Ass Shows. Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: Priest’s Ass Out Front. The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass. This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: Nun Has Best Ass in Town. The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars. The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.
Job Interview I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, Have you ever shoed a horse? I said, No, but I’ve told a donkey to fuck off.
TRIP TO THE TRACK A substitute teacher was called to teach the third grade. She was an avid horse race fan and it was the day of the big derby. However, she needed the money and agreed to teach. She thought about the race all morning, and as post time neared she decided it would be a good learning experience for the children to take them to the track. So she called the bus company and asked the driver to pick them up. They arrived at the track about 30 minutes before post time. As soon as they got off the bus the children needed to go to the bathroom. She left the boys at the men’s room and took the girls to the lady’s room. When she came back to get the boys, they told her the urinal trough was too high and they couldn’t reach it. By this time it was 15 minutes until post time. She asked if there were any men in restroom and they said no. She said, Well, come on and I’ll hold each of you up while you go. The boys lined up and she began to hold them up one by one. After she had helped several, she picked up one who had an unusually large penis. She exclaimed, My god, are you just in the third? He calmly replied, No ma’am, I’m also riding in the fifth.
An arab was interviewed for a job. Interviewer: Do you speak english? Arab: Yes! Interviewer: Name? Arab: Abdul Al-Rhazim. Interviewer: Sex? Arab: 3 to 5 times a week. Interviewer: No, no. I mean male or female? Arab: Yes, male, female. Sometime camel. Interviewer: Holy Cow! Arab: Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. Interviewer: But isn’t that hostile? Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style! Interviewer: Oh dear!!! Arab: No, no deer! Deer run too fast! Hard to catch!
What has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back? A police horse
A steed was having sex with a fox The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch. Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you’re enjoying it too. The fox answers: Well if you’d pull out a bit maybe i could twitch my neck.
Why did they have to stop playing water-polo in Poland? All the horses drowned
The difference between Men and Women. I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language! Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months? And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their… Fred, Martha says aloud. What? says Fred, startled. Please don’t torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.) What? says Fred. I’m such a fool, Martha sobs. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse. There’s no horse? says Fred. You think I’m a fool, don’t you? Martha says. No! says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time, Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way? she says. What way? says Fred. That way about time, says Martha. Oh, says Fred. Yes. (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) Thank you, Fred, she says. Thank you, says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Martha ever own a horse? And that’s the difference between men and women.
All my life I thought air was free… until I bought a bag of Chips!!! I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language! Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months? And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their… Fred, Martha says aloud. What? says Fred, startled. Please don’t torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.) What? says Fred. I’m such a fool, Martha sobs. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse. There’s no horse? says Fred. You think I’m a fool, don’t you? Martha says. No! says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time, Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way? she says. What way? says Fred. That way about time, says Martha. Oh, says Fred. Yes. (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) Thank you, Fred, she says. Thank you, says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Martha ever own a horse? And that’s the difference between men and women.
Chris Brown wants to raise domestic violence awareness in Australia I never knew someone could portray me so well in such nice language! Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months? And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their… Fred, Martha says aloud. What? says Fred, startled. Please don’t torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.) What? says Fred. I’m such a fool, Martha sobs. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse. There’s no horse? says Fred. You think I’m a fool, don’t you? Martha says. No! says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time, Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way? she says. What way? says Fred. That way about time, says Martha. Oh, says Fred. Yes. (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) Thank you, Fred, she says. Thank you, says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Martha ever own a horse? And that’s the difference between men and women.
Cinderella and the watermelon Cinderella desperately wants to go to the ball at the prince’s castle. Fairy Godmother appears and decides to help her. She uses her magic to create a coach trained by beautiful white horses and to make a beautiful dress appear in front of the young girl. Cinderella is very happy, but the fairy tells her: You have to come back home by midnight, or your little pussy will be morphed into a slice of watermelon Cinderella agrees, even if a little puzzled. She goes at the party, and dances all night with the prince. She has a great deal of fun. The clock goes, and it’s almost midnight, so she tells the prince she must go at all costs. He stops her and asks her to stay a little while, in order to eat something refreshing, after all that dancing. He then claps the hands twice and four servants enter the room, holding a big watermelon above their heads. The prince unsheathes his sword and with a quick blow cuts it in slices, he then grabs a slice and puts his head in it, eating it with incredible ardor, making juicy noises and dirtying himself all over. He then asks Cinderella: what time were you supposed to go home? Well, 3 , 4 AM, it doesn’t matter…
What’s the difference between a regular horse and a police horse? A police horse has an extra asshole on top.
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river …holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses. We don’t have any, replied the first blonde. Well, if **you’re** going to fish, you need fishing licenses. said the Game Warden. But officer, replied the second blonde, we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river. The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. Well, I know of no law against it, said the Game Warden, take all the debris you want, and with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb Fish Cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!
So if you help Jack get on the horse… do you help Jack off the horse?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender goes, Why the long face? So the horse proceeds to rampage around the bar because he’s a fucking horse.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, Why the long face? And the horse says, I’m finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart.
The Gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine. The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher. I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%? he asked. Well said the instructor, ‘You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!
My Black friend asked me why I have trust issues Not five seconds later the horse is still laughing. Was walking down the street they see the gorilla. The tree got upset because of a broken rubber and I’m not doing too bad myself. The dude can’t quite believe it, so he decided he should still go to the wife for that one!
Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding Maybe call it Wilbur?
12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn’t jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn’t Helen Keller a good driver? Because she’s dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can’t talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it’s a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I’d like a banana martini please. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he’s actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.
The Midget With a Lisp A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, ‘I’d like to buy a horth’ he says to the owner of the farm. ‘What sort of horse?’ said the owner. ‘A female horth’ the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. ‘Nithe horth.’ says the dwarf, ‘Can I thee her eyeth?’ So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. ‘Nithe eyeth.’, says the dwarf, ‘Can I thee her teeth?’ Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth…. Can I see her eerth?’ the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. ‘Nithe eerth.’ He says, ‘Now…can I see her twot?’ The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies ‘Her what?’ ‘Twot, can I see her twot,’ the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse’s vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: ‘Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?’ Edit: There ya go you pedantic geniuses of the internet! It’s no longer lisp
A police officer pulls over an Amish couple in a horse-drawn buggy. The husband sticks his hand out and says Hi officer, is there a problem? The police officer says, Sir, are you aware that you have a rope tied around your horse’s dick and sack? Confused, the Amish man says The wife and I will take care of it as soon as we get home. After driving away, the wife sticks her head out of the back and asks, What was that about? Her husband replied, I’m not quite sure, but he mentioned something about our Emergency Brake. I’ll have to check it when we get home.
