My mother said that I’m indecisive I couldn’t understand where that came from, so I asked people. It’s because you like both dogs and cats said my boyfriend. No, no, no. It’s because she likes both tea and coffee said my girlfriend.
Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store. They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly bow wow . The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat grrrr . Must be a kitten , he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts potato .
I’m eating that p*ssy Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), I heard daddy tell mommy, I’m eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!
Stoner goes to the doctor A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can’t miss the final tonight.
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. Let’s about having sex with a cat? says the zoophile. Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it, says the sadist. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it, shouts the murderer. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again, says the necrophile. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it, says the pyromaniac. Silence took over, and then the masochist says: Meow.
A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat… A kindergarten student told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her student. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move, answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!?!?! the teacher yelled in shock. You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.
for those of you with a sense of humour and are sick of car ads try this when you see a car ad in your mind replace the word car with cat when you look at your cat he/she will think your ready for the loonie bin
What the best way to get anybody’s pussy wet? Drop their cat in a pool
Sounds of a countryside Teacher in a class after holidays: Children, who has spent the last holidays at a countryside? Some pupils says that they have. What new sounds have you heard in there? A cow says MOO A cat says MEOW The guy next door says GET THE FUCK OFF THE TRACTOR!
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
Peety the Dog A man’s best friend, Peety the dog, is old and isn’t feeling well so he takes him to the vet. The vet looks the dog over and tells the man that there’s nothing much they can do for Peety. The man explains how long he and Peety have been together and how much the dog means to him and asks the vet if there’s anything else he can do for the dog. So the vet brings in a cat, who walks around and checks Peety out and finally looks up the vet and just shakes his head, and Peety passes away. A month later the man gets his bill from the vet for $350 and he asks the vet, how come the bill is so much. Whenever you’ve treated Peety before, the bill was only $50. Why was it so much this time. The vet explains that his bill was only $50; the cat scan cost $300.
When a fly drops 5 inches A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops. A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps. A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it. A mouse sees the cheese sandwich and decides to wait for the hunter to shoot so that the sandwich will fall and he can get it. A cat sees the mouse and decides to wait for it to go for the sandwich to jump and catch it. So, the fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water. The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.
MY DAD…. he was the original gangster copied a million times over here goes.. his words : Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,… right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best….. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, don’t do it master, reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad…. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, do it again, do it again! Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- … that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock…
Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I’ll be rolling in pussy! Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed.
A man brings his cat…. A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not…
The teacher asked little Johnny a question… Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have? Little Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?! Little Johnny: Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!
Juan Pablo Robato walks into a pet store Juan Pablo goes to the front counter. Hola, my name is Juan Pablo Robato, and I am here to buy a pet. What kinds of animals do you sell here? Well, we mostly sell dogs, or doggos as the kids on the internet say. Do you sell gatos? Juan Pablo inquired. Yes we sell cats, put like I said, mostly dogs. Are there any other animals for sale? No, we only have dogs and cats here. Juan Pablo replied So you’re telling me, if I wanted to buy a pet here, I’d have to buy a- Doggo or a gato, Mr. Robato. Ah. I see.
Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can’t take x-rays, but cats can.
My colleagues call me the pussy slayer… I’m in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.
A cat is walking home alongside a stream When he sees a sausage floating down it. Not to miss an opportunity he pulls it out with his paw and takes it home for his wife and kittens for supper. The next day he decides to walk by the stream again, as luck would have it there’s another sausage but this time bigger than the last. It takes two paws into pull it out, then takes it home to feed his wife and kittens. The following day he sees an even bigger sausage this time he reaches in and it takes him 3 paws to pull it out almost slipping in and getting wet. Again his family is loving it. The very next night on the way home a monster of a sausage floating down the stream. It takes all 4 paws to pull it from the water. Of course the cat falls in. The moral of the story, the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy! (I’ve known this joke since I was 13. So it might be a bit immature for you guys)
A fly drops 6 inches. There’s a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish. The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it. Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish. Across the lake on the shore there’s a hunter who is aiming his rifle at that bear. He misses because a mouse is eating his crackers and that little noise was enough to ruin his aim. The cat that has been stalking the mouse then tries to pounce on the mouse but misses and ends up in the water. Moral of the story: When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy is sure to get wet.
This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN Names =========== If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice. If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla. Eating Out =========== When the bill arrives, Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Money =========== A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale. Bathrooms =========== A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 284. The average man would not be able to identify most of them. Arguments =========== Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument. Cats =========== Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats. The Future =========== A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. Success =========== A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man. Marriage =========== A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does. Dressing Up =========== A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Natural =========== Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night. Children =========== A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Maturity =========== Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Handwriting =========== To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their i’s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their p’s and g’s . It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries =========== A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 12-items-or-less lane. Going Out =========== When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings and finishes putting on her makeup. Low Blows =========== Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, Oh, gee. That must have hurt. The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain. Laundry =========== Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. The Wedding =========== When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony . Men talk about the bachelor party .
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening, but before they do, they always put their cat outside… The taxi arrives, and just as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother. Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!
True story: Kitty cat had PUPPIES! Recently attended my great aunts funeral. This was a beautiful story that accompanied. My great aunt ran a beauty shop. One day, while tending to a female client in the beauty shop, her female client’s highly acclaimed husband sat in a chair as company. One of my young cousins ran in the beauty shop and shouted to his grandmother (my great aunt) Kitty cat had puppies! The highly acclaimed gentleman that sat with his wife explained to my cousin that Kitty cats have kittens. Puppy dogs have puppies. So your kitty cat didn’t have puppies, she had kittens. My cousin, calm and undeterred, announced Well you can say what you want, but my kitty cat had PUPPIES! . He then walked away with confidence abundant, because he was right. What the highly acclaimed gentleman didn’t know is that my cousin had named his female DOG Kitty Cat Children are such a joy, and that is one of the best stories I’ve ever heard. Never heard it until today. The moral I take from that is always be willing to be wrong, even if you are right .
This year’s Feline Rear of the Year award ceremony went horribly wrong It was a cat ass trophy
what happens when you throw a rock at a dumpster a cat comes out
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. Quick! Hide! The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. Meow! goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. Just an alley cat… The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. Woof! Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. Just a stray… The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don’t get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes! and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I’m blond. I can make these jokes.
[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink… The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he’s kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar. Dave says, Man, I’m sorry we haven’t done this in a while. I’ve been so stressed at work, and to top it off the sitter quits on me one week before I’m supposed to take the wife and kids to Europe. I don’t know how I’m going to arrange for someone to take care of the pets and look after mom with only a week’s notice. Mike says, Hey, I’m not doing anything next week; let me take care of it for you! Dave replies, That’s real nice of you, and don’t take this the wrong way… but the last time I asked you to do a favor for me you killed my goldfish. This is a little more serious than 7th Grade, Mike. Mike says, I know I’ve been a real fuck-up, but hear me out: I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m a different man now, Dave. I have a steady job, a beautiful girlfriend… I only ever drink a little on the weekends. Let me do you this favor to make up for all those years of being such a dope. Dave says, I really don’t like to do this, but I’m in a bind… so against my better judgment, the wife and I would be very appreciative if you would take care of things while we’re away. Thanks for coming through for me Mike. When he lands in Europe, the first thing Dave does is pick up the phone and dial Mike to see how things are going. Mike says, Hey, how ya doin?! … Listen, I’m really sorry big brother, but the cat is dead. Dave says, WHAT?! JESUS CHRIST, I’M NOT EVEN GONE FOR A DAY AND YOU JUST KILLED THE FUCKING CAT! THE WIFE AND KIDS LOVE THAT CAT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM?! You know the worst thing, Mike? You didn’t even have the decency to let me enjoy my vacation for a single day. At the very least, lie to me, you piece of shit. Tell me the cat is on the roof. Then the second day say, [bad, angry impression] ‘HEY DAVE NOT MUCH GOING ON HERE, YEAH THE CAT’S STILL ON THE ROOF BUT TOMORROW I’M GOING TO CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT…’ At least drag out my misery, you jackass. [Long, uncomfortable pause] Mike says, Shit Dave, you’re absolutely right. I’m sorry. I promise, I’m not going to let anything else interrupt the rest of your vacation. I’ll take care of everything and I bet I can even find a cat who looks just like snowball so you don’t have to tell the girls anything. Dave says, I’m sorry for being so harsh on you little brother. If you can get me out of this, all is forgiven. By the way, how’s mom doing? [Short pause] Mike says, Uhhhh, I think mom is on the roof. Edit: Punctuation
A dead duck A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! She cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
I hate my job… My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
What’s the Moral of the story? Picture a tranquil pond and in this pond there’s a small fish swimming just under the water and he spots a fly hovering above the water and thinks to himself if that fly were to drop just 6 inches I would be able to jump up and get him. So the fish went about his business keeping an eye on the fly. A bear walking along the pond sees the fish eyeing the fly and thinks. If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will go for the fly and I can grab the fish. So the bear crouches behind a bush and waits. A little while later a hunter comes by the pond and sees the situation and thinks to himself if that fly were to drop just 6 inches then the fish would get the fly, the bear will go for the fish and I can get a clear shot on the bear. So the hunter sits down and starts to enjoy his lunch. A small field mouse wanders up and looks over the situation and thinks to himself if that fly were to drop just 6 inches then the fish would jump to get the fly and the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich to take his shot so he could get the bear and I could run in and get a bit of his sandwich. And we would all be very happy. Just about that time a sneaky sly cat wanders on to the situation and thinks to himself if that fly were to drop just 6 inches then the fish would jump to get the fly and the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would drop his cheese sandwich to get his gun to shoot the bear and the mouse would run in and get a bit of his sandwich. And I would run in get the mouse and we would all be so very happy. A small time goes by and: The fly drops 6 inches the fish jumps out to get the fly. The bear goes for the fish. The hunter drops his cheese sandwich to get his gun. The mouse runs in to get a bit of the cheese sandwich. As the cat runs in, BOOM the hunter takes his shot and in all of the commotion the cat loses his balance and falls in the pond. Do you know what the moral of the story is? Every time a fly drops 6 inches a pussy gets wet!
Why did rooster laugh? Because a cat fell in the pond. And we know that a wet pussy makes a cock happy.
in the mental institution. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. Let’s have sex with a cat? asked the zoophiliac. Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it? says the sadist. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it? shouted the murderer. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again? said the necrophiliac. Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it? said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: Meow.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI. But cats can.
A touching story One day a girl was walking from school… On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead. The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response… She then touched it again and again and again. As i said its a touching story…
How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again. The silence in the taxi was deafening…..
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighters helmet. The wagon is pulled by her dog and cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration. Thanks, the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dogs collar and to the cats testicles. Little partner, says the fire fighter, I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you would go faster. The little girl replies thoughtfully, You’re probably right, but, then I wouldn’t have a siren.
Pineapples A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks Do you have any pineapples? The stockboy replies Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now! The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back. The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe she says Ok, C A T . Very good! the stockboy says, now spell dog, as in dogmatic. The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. She replies There is no Fuck in pineapples? To which the stockboy replies THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!
Two best friends apart This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch. While working overseas Tom gets a letter: Dear Tom, your cat is dead. Jim Tom is bewildered with grief and writes back to Jim: Dear Jim, is there really no way you could have been a bit more gentle with such news, it came as such shock. You could have written me a few letters, something like: Your cat is suddenly often walking on the roofs, and I am worried that he will fall off. Then in next letter you tell me that the cat has fallen off the roof, and that the Veterinarians are doing everything they can. And THEN you conclude in a third letter that the cat has passed away, that way I am prepared for such shock. Thanks Tom Few weeks later Tom receives a new letter: Dear Tom, Sorry I was so insensitive. By the way, Your mum is suddenly often walking high up on the roofs, and I am worried that she will fall off.”
Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole.. ..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says * Gee Susie, what’s going on? * Susie says, * I’m digging a hole, it’s pretty obvious * Mr. Johnson asks, * Why are you digging a hole? * Susie replies, * I’m burying my gold fish * Mr. Johnson laughs and asks * Why is the hole so big? * Susie replies, * Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat .*
Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You’re eating way too much. I said sure , then proceeded to put the cat down.
Proof required. A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, Sir, do you have a dog? Yes. the man replied. Well, where is it? asked the cashier. I left him home. he answered. Sorry, the cashier said, You can’t buy the dog food if I can’t see the dog. Those are the rules. The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. Do you have a cat? asked the cashier. Yes, he said, but I left him home. Sorry, she said, If I can’t see the cat, I can’t sell you the food. That’s the rules. The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, Here. Put your hand in here. The cashier put her hand in and said, It’s soft and warm. What is it? The man replied, I’d like three rolls of toilet paper!
Keep Your Mouth Shut!! A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
I hate my Job… My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up. She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober any time in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald’s and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
My Dad’s cat had a hernia operation The cat was laying there next to next to me and I asked What did they sew you up with? My Dad laughing so hard – as he said That’s not funny! [Cat Gut]
Roy Rodgers gets a beautiful pair of new leather boots. One day Roy Rodgers, the famous cowboy, purchases a beautiful pair of handmade italian leather boots. He wears them around for everyone to see, and come nighttime leaves them on his porch. The next day, he wakes up and goes outside, eager to show off his boots some more. However, when he checks on them, they’re badly chewed up and scratched, all in all ruined. Roy declares I’m gonna find the varmint that did this! and rides off on his horse Trigger. Rogers finds the mountain lion responsible for ruining his boots, shoots it, and slings it over his saddle. He then rides back to his house, and is stopped by one of his farm hands, who asks *♫Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?♫*
Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.
the moral of the story… A fish is swimming in the pond and looks up and sees a fly just out of reach, and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just six inches I’ll jump up and have a nice lunch! While the fish is swimming under the fly a bear is watching from the shore. he sees the fish following the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches that fish will jump up to get him, and I’ll jump out and get him and have a nice lunch! Up the shore is a hunter watching the bear. He sees the bear watching the fish watching the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches that fish will jump to get it, the bear will jump out to get him and i’ll get a clear shot and have a nice lunch! In the weeds a mouse is watching the hunter ( and the cheese sandwich beside him), sees the bear, the fish and the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches the fish will jump up, the bear will jump out, the hunter will shoot the bear and when he goes to get him I’ll run over and get that sandwich and have a nice lunch! In a tree next to the weeds, a cat is watching the mouse. He sees the hunter( and the sandwich), the bear, the fish and the fly and thinks, If that fly drops six inches the fish will jump up, the bear will jump out, the hunter will shoot, the mouse will dash out and I’ll pounce on the mouse and have a nice lunch! So in the fullness of time the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps out tp get him, the bear leaps out to snatch him, the hunter shoots and walks over, the mouse dashes out and the cat pounces!!!!….and over shoots and ends up in the pond. The moral of the story? When a fly drops six inches a pussy will get wet.
The teacher asked Jimmy Why is your cat at school today Jimmy? Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’
