A blonde cop pulls over a blonde speeder A blonde cop pulls over a blonde speeder. Can I see your licence ma’am? My what? says the driver. Your licence, says the cop, It’s the little square thing that has your picture on it. Oh! says the driver and hands over her compact. The cop takes one look and says, Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. I didn’t realize you were a cop.
A man walks into doctor’s office A man walks into doctor’s office to get his test results. Doctor says: I’ve got good news and bad news . Man responds: Let me here the bad news first . You have only week left to live . Man cries and weeps, but asks: What’s the good news then? Doctor: Have You seen my secretary? The blonde with giant rack? – Yeah. – I’m fucking her. *^I ^know, ^i ^know, ^old, ^but ^still ^hilarious.* EDIT: formatting
An Amish boy and his Dad . . . A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’ While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . ‘Go get your Mother’
A blonde woman is in a plane bound for Toronto… …when the pilot says over the speakers- *Ping*! You are now free to move about the cabin. The blonde calmly gets up from her seat in second class, strolls over to an empty seat in first class, and promptly gets herself situated. One of the newer flight attendants notices this, so, naturally, she heads over to the blonde and tells her: Excuse me, Ma’am, did you happen to just come from second class and sit down here, in first class? Yes, I did, the blonde remarks, Is this a problem? Well, yes, it is. I’m afraid you’ll have to return to your seat in second class. Look, lady, I’m a blonde, I’m sitting in first class, and I’m heading for Toronto. *Period*. The attendant is quite new at her job, so she heads to the cockpit of the plane to get help from the copilot. The copilot returns and repeats the you have to move back speech , but the blonde woman yet again returns with Look; I’m a blonde, I’m sitting in first class, and I’m heading for Toronto. **Period**. The copilot doesn’t want any trouble, so he heads back to the cockpit and tells the pilot about the situation. You man the controls, rookie. My wife is a blonde- I can take care of this. The pilot walks over to the blonde woman, whispers something into her hear, and she suddenly gets up and returns to her second class seat without hesitating. That was amazing! the flight attendant told the pilot, What did you say to her to make her move so eagerly? I told her that first class doesn’t go to Toronto.
Blonde schoolgirl Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde? Jenny asked. Yes, it’s because you’re blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, Jenny, said her mother. Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy? Yes, it’s because you’re blonde. The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I’m blonde, mommy? No Honey, it’s because you’re 24
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding …and the cop says, license and registration, please. The blonde replies, I have my registration, but I don’t have my license. The cop then asks, how can you prove who you are? So the blonde pulls out a mirror, looks at her reflection, and says, yep, that’s me. She hands the mirror to the cop, and the cop says, I didn’t know you were a cop!
How does this name fit? Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry. Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry? The old man answers, Is name of owner. The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner? Me…is right here,replies the old man. You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen? Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name? I say… Sem Ting.
3 Mothers sitting around a coffee table. 3 mothers are sitting around the coffee table after their daughters have gone to school. The first mother who is brunette says, This morning I was looking in my daughters room and guess what I found? A bottle of alcohol, I cant believe my daughter is drinking! . The next mother who is a redhead says, Well guess what, I was looking through my daughters room and guess what I found? Cigarettes! I didnt know my daughter was smoking . The third mother, who was a blonde says, Well get this! I was looking through my daughters room and I found a condom! I had no idea my daughter had a penis.
The boss comes into work carrying a thermos… His blonde secretary had never seen one before. What’s that thing? she asks. Oh, this? he says, It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient. Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient! she exclaims, I might have to get myself one of those! Yep, I definitely recommend it. And they go about the rest of the day. Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk. Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos! he says. Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold. She’s beaming. He grins back. Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there? Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.
So there’s this magical mountain… …where people jump off, and land in a pool of whatever they yell. There are three chicks, a brown-haired girl, and brunette, and a blonde. The brown-haired girl jumps, and yells CANDY! , and lands in a huge pool of candy. The brunette jumps off and yells MONEY! , and lands in a pool of money. The blonde jumps and yells CANNONBALL! .
loose skin around the vagina? (women)(sfw) When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.. Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
Tribal Experiment! A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure? Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, How is our tribal experiment coming along? Well, it looks like we’re half-way there, he replied. You’ve grown to 12 inches?! she said, astonished. No… it’s turned black, he answered.
A man has his 98th birthday A man has his 98th birthday. They wheel in a giant cake, and a sexy 21-year-old blonde jumps out. She whispers to him I can give you some super sex. So the old man replies, Well then, I’ll have the soup.
Two men with black eyes sit down together on a plane. Funny ending, slightly NSFW joke about women A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours? Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I’d like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one. First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch! Not my joke, but heard it awhile back and just remembered
A male dumb blond joke. Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in! The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car he laments, and she doesn’t even know how to drive! The third, a blond, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. I have to laugh every time I think about it, he chuckles. Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn’t even have a penis!
Sandwiches A man is walking down the street when he sees a sandwich board outside of a bar. In big chalk letters, the sign reads: Ham sandwiches, $5. Handjobs, $20. The man excitedly rushes inside and takes a seat at the bar, where he’s greeted by an attractive blonde bartender. She asks with a sexy purr, What will you have, handsome? The man asks, Are you the one giving out the handjobs? She smiles. Why, yes, I am. Well wash your fucking hands and give me a ham sandwich.
High class brothel About a month ago the President of the United States decided he had to get laid. Going to a high-class whorehouse, he found a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette waiting in the downstairs lounge. I’m the President of the United States, he said to the blonde. How much will it cost me to spend a little time with you? Three hundred dollars. was her answer. To the redhead he posed the same question. She replied, Five hundred dollars. He made the same proposition to the brunette. She replied, Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, lower my panties as far as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it hard for as long as I have to wait in line at the store, keep me warmer than my apartment in the winter, and screw me like you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it isn’t going to cost you a dime!
The blond with the ten kids A blond runs into an old friend from high school, and they start catching up since they have not seen each other for many years. Eventually, the blond tells her friend about her ten, all-male children. She proudly says: I called every one of them ‘John’ . Her friend is puzzled, and asks: Isn’t that a bit confusing, all of them having the same name? Oh not at all the blond answers, It is very convenient. If I want the dishes done, I just call out ‘JOHN!’ and then at least three or four show up. But what about when you need one specific child? her friend persists. The blonde: Then I just use his last name!
A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead… were driving down a desert road when the car runs out of gas. Realizing the gas station is still 10 miles ahead, they each decide to take one item with them. The Blonde asks the Brunette, What are you going to take? . The Brunette responds, I am going to take these sodas with us just in case we get thirsty, we have something to drink. The Blonde then asks the Redhead, What are you going to take? . The Redhead responds , Well I guess I’ll take the rest of the McDonalds we bought. If we get hungry, we have something to eat. The Blonde then says aloud, Well then I will take the car door, we’re in the desert afterall, so if we get hot we can roll down the window.
MY Favorite blonde joke A blonde goes into a doctor and asks for help with losing weight. The doctor figures she should make it simple for her so she tells her to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, eat normally for two days then skip a day, etc. The blonde says she would try it and she will come back in two weeks. Two weeks later, the blonde shows up at the doctors’s office and has lost ten pounds. The Doctor is suprised she lost so much weight and asks her how it went. The blonde says the first week was really tough. The Doctor asks was it the fasting? The blonde answers no, it was the skipping
Dumb Blonde A dumb blonde is about to have a baby, she asks the doctor if he can already see anything. ‘Yes’ he responds ‘I can see the head, but it is black. Have you ever had sex with a black guy?’ ‘I did, once’ the blonde replies. ‘Once can be enough’ the doctor says. Next the doctor can see the upper body of the baby, but surprisingly it is yellow. ‘Did you also have sex with an Asian guy?’ the doctor asks. ‘Yes, but only once’. ‘Again, once can be enough’ the doctor says. After one final push the baby pops out, but the legs are all red. ‘Let me guess’, the doctor asks ‘you had sex with an Indian (Native-American), but only once’. The girl nodded. The doctor takes the baby and gives it a smack on the butt, as the baby starts crying the doctor tells the blonde ‘Well, at least the baby is healthy’. At the same time the blonde makes a huge sigh of relief ‘Thank god, I was afraid it was going to bark!’
My Favorite Blonde Joke Having sex with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat. It feels nice, but you gotta wonder who was there before you.
I bet he felt pretty good about himself… A man walks into the local sporting goods store with the hopes of purchasing some ammunition, as he has every Saturday for the past two months (with nothing but bare shelves), despite the recent shortage. Much to the man’s luck, the store just received a large shipment of ammo that morning and he is the first customer in line. Knowing he had to take advantage of the opportunity, he buys 2,000 rounds each of .45’s and 9mm’s. Happy that he was finally able to find some ammo, he loads his purchase into the back of his pick-up truck and heads to the range. On the way, he stops at a gas station to fill up. A beautiful, buxom blonde pulls up next to him and notices the thousands of rounds of ammo in his truck bed. Well aware of the ammo shortage, and being an avid shooter herself, she decides to offer the man a proposition: I couldn’t help but notice all the ammo in the back of your truck, she purrs, how about we trade some ammo for a little sex? The man considers her offer, knowing his previous difficulty. Sure , he says, what kind of ammo you got?
A redneck family was visiting the city… …and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, Paw, What’s ‘at? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen nuthin’like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy, go git yo Momma.
Mike walks into a bar… Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, Pat, what are you so happy for? Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim! The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, What are you happy about today Pat? Well Mike…. I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me…tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim! A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’ over a beer. Mike says, Pat, what are you so sad for? Well Mike, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She pulled down her pants and…..She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! … and I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!
Blonde There were 3 people Stuck On An Island. A Brunette A Redhead And A Blonde On The Island They Met A Genie Who Gave Them 1 Wish Each. The Brunette Wished To Go Home The Redhead Wished To Go Home The Blonde Was Lonely On The Island So She Asked For Her Friends
A man walks into a pub.. A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. Yes? she inquires, with a knowing smile, can I help you? Yep, I was wondering, whispers the man, are you the one who gives the handjobs? Yes, she purrs, I am. Replies the man, Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!
Pastor in the KKK An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. No one moved. The preacher continued, Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
The best situation set-up I’ve ever heard in real life.. My army platoon was training a decade ago when this happened, I still laugh about it today. I’ll not use names, just ranks. We had just finished a mission and field maintenance and had about an hour of down-time before our next briefing, so the whole platoon was in a tent sitting on cots in a circle just bullshitting. One of the sergeants, a particularly vulgar guy, starts telling some nasty and offensive jokes which starts the whole platoon off on a spree of similar jokes. We had a Lieutenant, my LT, who was not a fan of these kinds of jokes and was getting aggravated as each joke began to get more and more vulgar. Every joke we knew from blonde to women to racist to dead baby jokes and he would openly display his dislike for these jokes with comments like, that’s not funny, or, that’s just wrong. Eventually, he had hit his limit right after a PFC told a holocaust joke, saying, why did Hitler really kill himself? One of the other sergeants asked, why? The private responded with, because of the gas bill. At this point, the LT was very disturbed and stated, do you know how horrible that is? Millions of people died in camps and you are laughing about being gassed? One of the other privates who hadn’t done much talking immediately says to the LT, yeah sir, my grandfather died in a concentration camp. Everyone kind of gets quiet because we weren’t sure really what to say, the LT looks at him and puts a hand on his shoulder and says, I’m so terribly sorry for how insensitive everyone was being towards you, I sincerely apologize for the whole platoon. Without missing a beat in an amazingly deadpan poker face, the private looks at my LT and says, the drunk bastard fell out of a guardtower. The entire platoon was falling out of cots, rolling on the floor laughing to the point of crying at that magnificent set-up. The LT just stands up, says watch my cot, and walks out of the tent. The laughter must have continued for about 5 minutes. The LT eventually came around and understood, he’s going to be around soldiers and these jokes will be told. I’m sure the drunk bastard line for that joke has been used, but in that situation, it was absolutely hilarious.
A blonde is sitting by a lawyer on a plane ride. On the ride the lawyer gets a little borde, he notices the blonde sitting beside him looking the same way. So he taps on the blonde’s shoulder and asked her do you want to play a game? The blonde knowing he was a lawyer with his briefcase and suit; gives a sigh and said I think I’d rather rest So the lawyer says ok and leaves here alone. About a few minutes later the lawyer gets a Idea! He taps the blond on the shoulder again, and says Let me tell you how this game goes. The blonde with little interest says I guess I can listen to the game. So the Lawyer explains the game I will ask you a question if you don’t get it right then you give me 5 dollars; then you ask the question and if I can’t guess it I will give you 500 dollars. The blonde thinks for a few seconds and says ok I’ll play The lawyer happy as ever asks the question first, quickly he asks her what’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon? The blonde sits there for a few seconds, then reaches in her purse, pulls out 5 dollars and gives it to him. So the lawer says your turn . The blonde then asks what goes up a hill with 4 legs, and goes back down with 3? The lawyer, trying to think of everything, finally gives up, reaches in his wallet, and gives her 500 dollars. The lawyer stumped on what the answer was, to her question, finally asks What was the answer to your question? The blonde reaches in her purse pulls out 5 dollars, and gives it to the lawyer.
Wine Taster! At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable. That’s correct , said the boss. Another glass, please. It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results. Absolutely correct. A third glass. It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive, calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it, It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.
Do you like… Two men at the docks taking a break when one asks the other: Vinnie, do you like a woman who has blonde beautiful hair or one that has ratty brown hair? Of course I prefer blondes. And Vinnie, do you like women with perky full breasts or saggy baggy breasts? Of course I prefer a woman with nice breasts. And Vinnie, do you like a women with a sweet breathe or one that has a stink? Of course I love sweet breath like perfume. Then Vinnie, why are you fucking my wife?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The blonde keeps sucking after you slap her.
A Joke for everyone who isn’t called Richard Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was. When she asked my name I said Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’ How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked I replied Ask nicely!’
A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher… A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment. The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with. The Doctor replies, I my professional experience, blondes tend to be more sensitive to stimulation, so I would do the blonde. They repeat the experiment with the business man, and he replies, In my professional experience, brunettes tend to be more assertive, and that’s what I want in a lover, so I’d do the brunette. Then the pre-school teacher came in. They showed him the blonde, the brunette, and the redhead, and asked him which woman he’d rather sleep with. He replies, In my professional experience, If you’re happy and you know it, do all three!
two blondes and a mirror two blondes are walking along together when one of the pulls out her make up mirror, looking in to the mirror she says oh there is a face in there, wow that face looks familiar, where do I know that face from? Her friend grabs the mirror from her, has a long look and replies you idiot, that’s me!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead going up a stairway to heaven A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are waiting at the pearly gates. God then says to them Normally you girls wouldn’t be let in, but I’m in a good mood today. In front of you there is staircase of exactly a thousand steps. Every time you take a step up, I will tell you a joke. If you make it all the way to the top without laughing, you will be allowed into heaven. If you laugh at one of my jokes, you will be doomed to spend eternity in Hell. The brunette goes first. She makes it the the 250th step, and laughs. God then sends her to Hell. The redhead goes next. She makes it to the 500th step and laughs. God sends her to Hell as well. The blonde goes last. She makes it to the 999th step, and laughs. God then asks her, you were so close to the top, why did you laugh? The blonde responds I just got the first one.
What do brunettes and red-heads do on Friday nights? Make blonde jokes!
lawyer vs the blonde A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay, says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, What North American mammal goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs? The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers. No one knows. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde again and asks, Well, what’s the answer? Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A guy goes to a prestige sex party…. In the sex party he met a blonde, a brunette, and a black lady. He decided to have sex with the black lady first. After they finished, he said that was the best sex he ever had. Then he had sex with the brunette and said that was even better. By that time, he was so exited to see how good the blonde was. After he had sex with the blonde, he ejaculated so much that the room was filled and said I have been blessed by heaven! . So after he said that, he was getting really thirsty so he went to get water but the line was too long, then lemonade and the same thing. Then he looked right next to him and was surprised because there was no punch line. tl;dr: Oh grow up! it’s only ~10 sentences.
Buying drinks at a bar A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender. Brunette: I’ll have a B and C. Bartender: What is a B and C? . Brunette: Bourbon and Coke. Redhead: And, I’ll have a G and T. Bartender: What’s a G and T? Redhead: Gin and tonic. Blonde: I’ll have a 15. Bartender: What’s a 15? Blonde: 7 and 7
Consequences of taking off early from work There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead who all worked in the same office. Every Friday, their boss would leave the office early to go home. One day the brunette says, You know, we should leave early too when our boss leaves next friday! The other two eagerly agree and set a plan in motion. Next Friday, after their boss leaves work early, the three leave work early too. The Brunette goes to a restaurant to have an early dinner. The redhead goes to a bar. And the blonde goes home. Upon walking through the door, the blonde hears noises coming from the bedroom she shares with her husband. She walks to the door and peeks inside to find her boss and her husband having sex. She closes the door, gets back in her car, and goes back to work, only to return home at her usual time. On Monday, the three friends get together to discuss their Friday adventures. The Brunette and the Redhead agree that they want to do it every Friday that their boss leaves. The Blonde says, No way! I almost got caught!
Unique Dildo! A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, How much for the white dildo? Salesman answers, $35. Blonde: How much for the black one? Salesman: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one. Blonde: I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before. She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks How much for the black dildo? Salesman: $35. Black Woman: How much for the white one? Salesman: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one. Black Woman: Hmmm… I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before… She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your dildos? Salesman: $35 for the white, $35 for the black. Blonde: Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf? Salesman: Well, that’s a very special dildo… it’ll cost you $165. Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before, She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? To which the salesman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165.
What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet? Last year’s winner of the blonde hide and go seek contest
Blond man joke An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break. The Irishman opens his lunch box, Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof! The Mexican opens his lunch box, Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof! The blond opens his lunch box, A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof! The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death. At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men. The Irishman’s wife laments, If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else. The Mexican’s wife agrees, I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas. The women look over at the blond’s wife, who responds, Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch.
Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button? Blond guys aren’t too smart either.
2 Brunettes and a Blonde One dark and stormy night, 2 burnettes and a blonde escape from prison. To get out of the rain and hide from the cops they go into a barn where they find 3 sacks to hide in. One cop goes into the born and yells to other There’s nothing in here, just 3 sacks to which the other cop replies Kick the sacks and make sure they’re not hiding in them So the cop kicks the first sack with the brunette in it and she goes roof roof Oh its just a stupid dog the cop says. He kicks the second one with the other brunette in it and she goes meow meow Oh its just a stupid cat. So he kicks the last sack with the blone in it and she goes POTATOES
A beautiful young blonde A lady boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class. When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles. The stewardess could not get her to budge, and called another stewardess over. Miss, this isn’t your seat. We need you to stand up and go to the economic class seat that you paid for the second stewardess said. Once again, the lady simply responded: I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles. And once again, she did not move. A steward, overhearing all of this, comes up to the young blonde and whispers something in her ear. The blonde immediately got up and proceeded to her assigned seat. The stewardesses asked him, what the hell did you tell her? The steward replied, I just told her that business class doesn’t fly to Los Angeles.
A blonde walks into a bar A blonde walks into a bar holding a piece of shit and says look what I almost stepped in!
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get onto the elevator… …in their apartment building. The brunette notices a stain on the wall, and comments, That looks like dried cum! The redhead leans over and sniffs it. Yep, it smells like dried cum, too. The blonde leans in, licks the stain, and exclaims, Well, it’s not from anybody in this building!
Blonde Jokes What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown? artificial intelligence What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair red? Selling her soul for intelligence
So a redhead says to her blonde friend… I just slept with a Brazilian. the blonde says, You slut! How many is a brazilion?
21, 21, 21 A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from track to track saying, 21, 21, 21… A blonde walks up and sees the brunette. She watches her antics for a while and decides to join in, jumping from track to track saying, 21, 21, 21… A train comes, and the brunette hops off the tracks just in time to see the blonde get smeared. She waits patiently for the train to pass, then gets back onto the tracks jumping from track to track saying, 22, 22, 22…
A mailman is working his last day on a route he’s been doing for 20 years He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement. He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they’re done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he’s eating she gives him a card with $20 in it. He’s overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You’ve been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied Fuck him. Give him $20 The Breakfast was my idea
Another blonde joke So as many of you know in South America has opposite Seasons than the U.S so this blonde was on vacation in Argentina and asked her tour guide. ”I know the seasons are different here so what month is it ”
A guy walks into a whorehouse… …and sees a gorgeous, blonde whore sitting on the piano. He walks up to her and asks, Hey doll, how much for a handjob? She replies, A hundred dollars. A hundred dollars for a handjob!? he gasps. Why so much? She says, You see that car over there? It was paid for by giving the best handjobs in town! He ponders, and accepts her offer. The next day, he returns and speaks to the same whore. That was great yesterday, babe, but how about a blowjob now! he says. Sure, for $500 dollars, she says. $500?! How come?? he exclaims. She responds, You see that house over there? I can afford it because I give the best blowjobs in town! He thinks about it for a minute, and accepts her offer. The next day he returns, and asks another question. How about a little pussy from you today? She says, Sure, for $1000. $1000?! There’s no way anyone would pay that! Why so much?? he screams. She responds, You see all those houses on the hill over there? If I had a pussy I would own all of those!!
An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW] …when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him. May I buy you a drink? she asks him. He obliges. She’s obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him So tell me what you do. You seem to be in great shape for a man your age. I’m a retired Army Master Sergeant. I don’t do much anymore, besides sit at his here bar every night. She notices he isn’t wearing a ring. Are you not married? , she asks. Never have been. Spent most of my life overseas in combat. The army was my wife, until I left her. At this point, they hit it off. They strike up great conversation, and continue buying each other drinks. The blonde’s inhibitions have obviously lowered at this point, and without hesitation, she asks him another question. So tell me, Master Sergeant. How long has it been since you’ve been laid? He takes a long pause and stares in the distance in deep thought. He then says, 1955 . The blonde is shocked. 1955! You have some catching up to do! You and me, in my car, right now! They hopped in her backseat and commenced to the roughest sex she has ever had. She has orgasm after orgasm. She couldn’t believe his sexual prowess. She catches her breath after they finish. She’s never been fucked so good before. Completely amazed, she says to him, Master Sergeant, you definitely have not lost your touch since 1955. You were amazing! He takes a look down at his watch and says I sure hope like hell I haven’t, it’s only 2330 now! EDIT: Thank you everyone for being part of my first front page post. I didn’t get any karma from it, and just knowing so many of you enjoyed this joke as much as me is so much better than that. 🙂
A blonde goes to her gynecologist… A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can’t get pregnant. The doctor says, OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table. The blonde says, Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband’s baby.
Magic Mirror A blackhaired woman, a brunette and a blonde are brought to a magic mirror that vibrates heavily when someone looks into it and tells a lie. The blackhaired takes a seat in front of it and says: I think that i will become very rich some day. The mirror begins vibrating. The brunette then takes a seat in front of the mirror and says: I think i am the most beautiful woman in the world. The mirror vibrates again. After that the blonde goes up to the mirror, sits down in front of it and says: I think… The mirror breaks from vibration.
A blonde goes to a electronics store… and walks up to the sales associate and says, I would like to buy the TV in the corner. The associate says, Sorry ma’am, we don’t serve blondes. Furious, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair black. The next day, she returns to the store. She sees the same associate and says, I would like to buy the TV in the corner. He replies, Sorry ma’am we don’t serve blondes here. Figuring the associate recognized her, the woman goes home and this time dyes her hair red. She returns to the store the following day. The previous associate isn’t there and tells another associate, I would like to purchase the TV in the corner. The associate says, Sorry ma’am, we don’t serve blondes here. The blonde says, You have never seen me before, how do you know I’m blonde?! He responds, That is not a TV, it’s a microwave!
Dirty Santa Joke One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said Santa, will you stay with me? , Santa replied, Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys. So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked Santa, now will you stay with me? Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys. She takes off everything and says Santa, now will you stay with me? Santa replies Gotta stay, gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!
Tonto and the Lone Ranger are walking up a mountain… When all of a sudden they see a beautiful blonde coming down the mountain by horseback. Tonto goes up to the woman and says, Some The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says, Tonto you idiot you’re an Indian you are supposed to say HOW not SOME!!! Tonto Looks back at the Lone Ranger points at the woman and says, No me know HOW, me want SOME.
Three virgins go into a bar; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Hours later out come a blonde, a brunette, and a virgin. ….Ginger Snap!
Blondes At The Bus Stop. Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver – will this bus take me to 5th Avenue? The bus driver shakes his head, no, I’m sorry, it won’t he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, how about me?
Heard this gem in the video game L.A. Noire. Three blondes walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have saw it.
Use your lifeline A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture? The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: That’s easy. The answer is ‘C’ — the cuckoo. The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. Time was up. I need an answer, said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, C) the cuckoo. Is that your final answer? asked Regis. Yes, that is my final answer, she said, breaking into a sweat. After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire! Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you, said the contestant. Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. You’re welcome! the blonde said. By the way, the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. How did you happen to know the right answer? Oh, come on, said the blonde. Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.
Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD. Blonde 1: Oh, what’s that DVD about? Blonde 2: It’s how to repair household items! Blonde 1: What do you need to repair? Blonde 2: My DVD player
A blind man goes into a restaurant… A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter Do you want to hear a blonde joke? The waiter replies, Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don’t know, do you want to tell the joke? The blind man says, Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!
Guy walks into a bar. Guy walks into a bar. The bar is empty except for a group of blonde women in the far corner chanting. 23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks The guy asks the barman for a beer and also asks what’s all that about in the corner. Barman says I have no idea. They’ve been meeting here every afternoon for the past 23 weeks. They sit silently leaning over the table and never say a word until today. Intrigued, the man wanders over to the group of woman. They are now hugging each other and shaking each others hands and patting each other on the back. Still chanting 23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks. The asks them what’s all the celebrating about? One of the woman looks at him and says very proudly everyone is always saying how blondes are so dumb. Well today we have just proven how intelligent we are. The man says well tell me, what have you done to prove blondes are intelligent? The woman says well on the box of this jigsaw puzzle it says 3 years or up, and we just finished the whole puzzle in 23 weeks
