Two doctors meet at a bar She takes him back to her place. That morning he is drinking coffee and watching her wash her hands. He says You must be a surgeon. She replies What ever gave you that idea? He said, I’ve observed the way you wash your hands you have good eye-hand coordination. And the way you take the time to wash thoroughly, I just assumed you were a surgeon. Well she replied, your astuteness is absolutely correct. Then she thought for a moment and said You must be an anesthesiologist. He said WOW, how did you ever know that? She said Because last night, I didn’t feel a fucking thing.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
How do you make a coffee sad? How do you make a coffee sad? You mocha…
Coffee Joke [OC] So the coffee asked the creamer, Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management? The creamer replied, I’m half and half. ^^^I’m ^^^Sorry.
My wife asked: You’re pretty proud of your self for that one aren’t you? With only a slight smirk on her face. So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now . She said How’s that? I said, They are both a little coughy. Maybe this is a dumb Dad joke but if you guys liked it then I can show this post to her to back me up. I was admittedly too proud of this one but lets see what you guys think. Preparing for onslaught in 3…2…
I like my women like I like my coffee… I don’t like coffee
So do you want me to climb up with my bare hands or can I use some sort of climbing device? The latter.
An irish women….. An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. Not a chance, she said. He won’t even take an aspirin. Not a problem, replied the doctor. Give him an Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor! Really? What happened? asked the doctor. Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! Why so terrible? asked the doctor. Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good? ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again! I stole this from a thread, I thought it was funny u/gnarledout posted it
Irish Viagra An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. Not a chance, she said. He won’t even take an aspirin. Not a problem, replied the doctor. Give him an Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor! Really? What happened? asked the doctor. Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! Why so terrible? asked the doctor. Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good? ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
An elderly couple had just learned how to text. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband texted back to her: I’m on the toilet. Please advise.
By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS . The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China … Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees. Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service. Room Service: Rye, Roon sirbees… morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen? Guest: Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon & eggs. Room Service: Ow ulai den? Guest: …….What? Room Service: Ow ulai den?… Pryed, boyud, pochd? Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please. Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse? Guest: Crisp will be fine. Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes? Guest: What? Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes? Guest: I…. Don’t think so.. RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes? Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means. RoomService: Toes! Toes!… Why Uoo don wan toes?… Ow bow anglish moppin we botter? Guest: Oh, English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine. RoomService: We botter? Guest: No, just put the botter on the side. RoomService: Wad? Guest: I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side. RoomService: Copy? Guest: Excuse me? Room Service: Copy.. tea… meel? Guest: Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything. Room Service: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy… Rye? Guest: Whatever you say. Room Service: Tanjooberrymutts. Guest: You’re welcome Remember I did say By the time you read through this… YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’
A policeman used to hang out in a coffee shop all day…. A policeman used to hang out in a coffee shop all day. Unsurprisingly that coffee shop never got robbed. The hardware shop down the road had an idea, and constructed a cardboard silhouette of a policeman drinking coffee, and displayed it in front of their counter, thinking it would deter thieves. The first week went by without incident, but then half-way through the second week, masked men burst in and snatched away the cardboard policeman. It transpires that he just wasn’t cut out for the job.
I like my men like I like my coffee: I don’t like coffee.
Nixon’s speech in case of mission failure was released… I rewrote it if GW had been in office. God has willed Neil Armlong and Edwin Aldrich have left the Earth and will not return. These brave men know that there is no hope for a safe return. We told them over the radio just a little while ago. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by their pets and by both democrats and republicans. In their exploration, they stirred the coffee, and that coalescent mankind. In the old days, when my grand pappy looked at stars over Texas and saw his heroes in the constellations, Washington, Jesus, JD Rockfeller. Today, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood, like Homer Simpson. Others will follow, we’ll stack them up there. Man’s search will not be denied. Even he we have to invade Iraq to bring a man home safely. We’ll do it. For every human being who looks up at the moon will know there are ‘mericans up there who died practicing their love of planets.
Please Advise? An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new cell phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband more of the no-nonsense type. One afternoon the wife went out with some friends for coffee. Being the romantic women she was, she decided to send her husband a text to let him know she was thinking of him. It read: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. A couple minutes later the husband text back, I’m on the toilet. Please advise.
Hell Joke – 3 Choices A guy ended up in hell after a long and sinful life. The devil met him and said Well this is hell, but you do have 3 choices The devil opens one door and shows him people burning in fire. The guy says – No way . The devil opens a 2nd door to show him people freezing in ice. The guy says No Way. Then the devil opens the third door and shows him people knee dip in shit, but enjoying a cup of coffee. The guy says Well I guess this will be it for me. Do I get coffee too? The devil replies, Yes, you may have coffee too. The guy grabs his coffee and wades into the room. As the devil is closing the door on the way out he yells back Alright everybody, coffee break’s over, back on your heads.
When I was 8 years old, my dad got me with the worst dad joke ever. He said he was going to the store and would be back soon… A guy ended up in hell after a long and sinful life. The devil met him and said Well this is hell, but you do have 3 choices The devil opens one door and shows him people burning in fire. The guy says – No way . The devil opens a 2nd door to show him people freezing in ice. The guy says No Way. Then the devil opens the third door and shows him people knee dip in shit, but enjoying a cup of coffee. The guy says Well I guess this will be it for me. Do I get coffee too? The devil replies, Yes, you may have coffee too. The guy grabs his coffee and wades into the room. As the devil is closing the door on the way out he yells back Alright everybody, coffee break’s over, back on your heads.
In Russia, there’s a lot of great one liners about how severe people of the town Chelyabinsk are. Due to the town’s location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made: – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, when they blow their nose, they pinch both nostrils. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they do not drink coffee, they devour it with a spoon right of the jar. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, when they shoot a porno, it is forbidden even in Germany. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, their jet splits urinals in half. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they never cut their nails, instead they put them on the tracks and wait for a train to pass. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they wear sweaters made of swarf. Chelyabinsk’s; – **Programmers** are so severe, they can hack Microsoft’s database on a calculator. – **Children** are so severe, they don’t smoke at school, they just chew cigarettes during class. – **Mosquitoes** are so severe, they suck their own blood. – **Beer** is so severe, its strength exceeds that of a rubbing alcohol. – **Plumbers** are so severe, they drink from the toilet. – **Grandmas** are so severe, when they ride the bus, even the driver gives up his seat. – **Designers** are so severe, they draw with MS Paint. – **Candy** are so severe, they are washed down with vodka. – **Homosexuals** are so severe, they consider Elton John straight. – **Cosmonauts** are so severe, they step outside the rocket to take a piss. And finally, **Chelyabinsk men** are so severe, that Chuck Norris admitted he is from Chelyabinsk. Edit: – Chelyabinsk **toilets** are so severe, you shit your pants just by walking by them. – Chelyabinsk **Pokemons** are so severe that they collect children. – Chelyabinsk **patients** are so severe, they drink laxative during diarrhea. – Chelyabinsk **men** are so severe, they breastfeed their babies themselves. – Chelyabinsk **birds** are so severe, they do not fly south, they go there on foot – Chelyabinsk **bedtime stories** are so severe that parents are afraid to read them. – Chelyabinsk **instant coffee** is so severe, it needs to be brewed 2 times. – Chelyabinsk **statutes** are so severe, that they crap on pigeons. – Chelyabinsk **builders** are so severe they do not need to wear helmets. – Chelyabinsk **mosquitoes** are so severe that they fly south for the winter.
A man arrives home and was absolutely delighted when he saw that someone had stolen every single lamp from his house Due to the town’s location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made: – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, when they blow their nose, they pinch both nostrils. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they do not drink coffee, they devour it with a spoon right of the jar. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, when they shoot a porno, it is forbidden even in Germany. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, their jet splits urinals in half. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they never cut their nails, instead they put them on the tracks and wait for a train to pass. – **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, they wear sweaters made of swarf. Chelyabinsk’s; – **Programmers** are so severe, they can hack Microsoft’s database on a calculator. – **Children** are so severe, they don’t smoke at school, they just chew cigarettes during class. – **Mosquitoes** are so severe, they suck their own blood. – **Beer** is so severe, its strength exceeds that of a rubbing alcohol. – **Plumbers** are so severe, they drink from the toilet. – **Grandmas** are so severe, when they ride the bus, even the driver gives up his seat. – **Designers** are so severe, they draw with MS Paint. – **Candy** are so severe, they are washed down with vodka. – **Homosexuals** are so severe, they consider Elton John straight. – **Cosmonauts** are so severe, they step outside the rocket to take a piss. And finally, **Chelyabinsk men** are so severe, that Chuck Norris admitted he is from Chelyabinsk. Edit: – Chelyabinsk **toilets** are so severe, you shit your pants just by walking by them. – Chelyabinsk **Pokemons** are so severe that they collect children. – Chelyabinsk **patients** are so severe, they drink laxative during diarrhea. – Chelyabinsk **men** are so severe, they breastfeed their babies themselves. – Chelyabinsk **birds** are so severe, they do not fly south, they go there on foot – Chelyabinsk **bedtime stories** are so severe that parents are afraid to read them. – Chelyabinsk **instant coffee** is so severe, it needs to be brewed 2 times. – Chelyabinsk **statutes** are so severe, that they crap on pigeons. – Chelyabinsk **builders** are so severe they do not need to wear helmets. – Chelyabinsk **mosquitoes** are so severe that they fly south for the winter.
Guys night out The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘guys.’ I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when drunk as a skunk…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her ‘MIDNIGHT’. She didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked her why, she said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit,’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t drink coffee.
Good bye daddy. A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa. The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died. Holy crap thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.
The smart smuggler A shrewd businessman was crossing a border with two donkeys and some luggage. The border guard stops him and checks the packs, but finds nothing in them. He lets him pass. This cycle repeats itself, with the businessman crossing the border back and forth, and the border guard never finding anything. Many years later, both the businessman and guard are retired and by chance meet up at a coffee house. The guard sees that the businessman is very rich, so he asks him Please answer honestly. I know you were smuggling something, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what. What was it? The businessman replies: Donkeys! This is a story from one of the adventures of a Persian sage called Mulla Nasrudin. Nasrudin’s stories are both wise and funny. If you enjoy this one, I can post more. I had a book about these stories and remember quite a few.
What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.
In the window of a bar in Philadelphia Drop a bucket of Starbuck’s Iced Coffee on your head to raise awareness of the rich city girls who have lost their ability to even.
Cold Stew A Man walks into a diner, he sees they have a special today only on Cold Stew. He sits down at the diner table and asks the waitress to order a bowl. im sorry sir. she replies The gentleman beside you just ordered the last bowl. thats alright, ill just have a coffee. sitting drinking his coffee he notices the guy next to him drinking a coffee eating a sandwich but not really touching the stew so he leans over Hey man, you gonna eat that? No, No, you go ahead the mans replies Pulling the bowl towards himself he begins to dig in, has a unique bittery taste not awful, just curious, but its free and its not the worst stew hes eaten so he continues vigirously. Halfway into the bowl of stew he discovers a large dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, without missing a beat the man up and pukes back up into the bowl. Disgusted with the meal and himself wiping the spit and remanants of puke from his chin the man next to him leans over and says Yea, thats how far I made it…
Church of latter day saints. The other day I was stopped by a few guys from the Church of Latter Day Saints. They asked me have you found our Lord the savior? I replied Sorry, can’t say that I have. Where was the last place you saw him?
Sixth sense A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa. Father said, Why did you say good-bye grandpa? The little girl said, I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say God bless mommy and good-bye daddy. He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch
A student visits his teacher man early in the morning And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee. Sure, I’ll take a mug of joe, says the student. The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags. The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud?? Well, the professor replies, it was ground just this morning.
Gathering evidence An investigator investigating a case is having trouble linking the suspect to the crime. He decides to take a break and heads to his favorite doughnut shop. The waitress brings out his usual, coffee and a cream filled long john. He tells the waitress just coffee today hun I’m busy with a case. She takes the long john back and brings another out and gives it to the investigator. Custard filled she says handing over the doughnut. The proof is in the pudding.
Most people can’t drink coffee then go to sleep. I’m just the opposite. . . I can’t go to sleep and then drink coffee. God, that was stupid.
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed… …told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa. The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good- bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died. Holy crap thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it, I just had the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day? You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss dropped dead in the middle of a meeting!
Tanjoo Berry Mutts Here goes… The following is a telephonic exchange between a Hotel guest & room-service in China … Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees. Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service. Room Service: Rye, Roon sirbees… morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen? Guest: Uh… Yes, I’d like to order bacon & eggs. Room Service: Ow ulai den? Guest: …….What? Room Service: Ow ulai den?… Pryed, boyud, pochd? Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please. Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse? Guest: Crisp will be fine. Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes? Guest: What? Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes? Guest: I…. Don’t think so.. RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes? Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means. RoomService: Toes! Toes!… Why Uoo don wan toes?… Ow bow anglish moppin we botter? Guest: Oh, English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine. RoomService: We botter? Guest: No, just put the botter on the side. RoomService: Wad? Guest: I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side. RoomService: Copy? Guest: Excuse me? Room Service: Copy.. tea… meel? Guest: Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything. Room Service: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy… Rye? Guest: Whatever you say. Room Service: Tanjooberrymutts. Guest: You’re welcome
The Comical Conservative President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me? Cashier: It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID? Obama: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!! Cashier: Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID. Obama: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am. Cashier: I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. Obama: I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day Cashier: Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States? Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue. Cashier: Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
the natives and the bumblebee So two natives are sitting on the end of a flagpole. The first native says to the second, ‘Hey man, how’d we get up here?’ The second one gives a knowing wink to the first, then begins to pull his teeth out of his mouth with his barehands. Terrified, the first Native begins screaming ‘Sorry I should have explained, it is a horizontal flag pole built on the side of a building!’ The natives, used to hunting from trees in forests, were excellent balancers. As blood gushes from the second natives mouth and his teeth fall hundreds of stories, killing people below, the first native decides he has had enough of this and takes his own life, but not before making a desperate muscle-jerk as he falls, grabbing the flag and tearing a piece from it with roughly an area of 68cm^2. When he finally hit the ground it surprised a man having coffee at the caf nearby and he decided not to finish his meal, however he was polite and did not ask for a refund, which he concluded later would have been unreasonable.
A chain email from September 29, 2000 I was cleaning up a room in my basement when I found a printed out chain email from September 29, 2000 containing several *killer* jokes. Prepare for a blast from the past! * How do you get holy water? >You boil the hell out of it! * What do fish say when tey hit a concrete wall? >Dam! * What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? >Polaroids! * What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? >A stick! * What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? >Nacho cheese! * What do you call Santa’s helpers? >Subordinate Clauses! * What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? >Quattro sinko! * What do you get from a pampered cow? >Spoiled milk! * What do you get when you cross a snowman whith a vampire? >Frost bite! * What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? >A nervous wreck! * What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? >Anyone can roast beef! * Where do you find a dog with no legs? >Right where you left him. * Why do gorillas have big nostrils? >Because they have big fingers! * Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving? >Because it scares the dog! * What kin of coffee was served on the Ttanic? >Sanka! * What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? >The location of the dirt bag! * Why does a pilgrim’s pants always fall down? >Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat! * What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? >A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it! A bad skydiver goes dang it!! whack! * How do you catch a unique rabbit? >Unique up on it! * How do you catch a tame rabbit? >Tame way, unique up on it! * What do you call skydiving lawyers? >Skeet! * What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? >An Amish drive-by shooting! * How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? >Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer!
Two women are sitting in a coffee shop. Two women are sitting in a coffee shop, discussing gardening and their lawns. I love my husband when he cuts the yard. It smells and looks great. Why don’t you get your husband to cut the lawn? The first women, Mrs. Lankershin, says. Oh, well, I’ve been treating my lawn pretty rough lately. No ones been cutting it. The second, Mrs. Fisher, replies. Really? It must be looking terrible by now! Mrs. Fisher takes a short sip of her coffee. It has a good payout, She says, We are hoping to make it emo. Huh? Mrs. Lankershin asks. Then it will cut itself, duh!
funny? Ordered coffee at Starbucks. He asked my name, so I told him Bingo . When my coffee was ready he shouted Bingo…Bingo . I don’t think he thought it was very funny.
A very wealthy man from Britain has purchased the Bates Motel…. Now it is Master Bates Motel.. I haven’t had my coffee yet, this is the best I got
How Jews cry wolf What happens if an insect falls in a cup of coffee ?! tHe britiSH : will thrOw the Cup into the strEEt and leave the coffee shOp foR good. thE amERican : will get the inSEct out and drink the coffEE. The chiINse : will eAT the inseCT and drink the coffee. the isRAeli will : (1) Sell the coffee to the aMErican and the insect to the Chinese. (2) Cry on all the media chaNNels that they feel inSecuRe. (3) Accuse the PalestiNians, hizbaLLah, syrIA and iRAn of using gERm-weapOns. (4) Keep on crying about anti-seMitisM and violatIOns of huMAn rights. (5) Ask the Palestinian President to stop planting insects in the cups of coffee. (6) Re-oCCupy the West Bank, GaZa StriP. (7) Demolish hOUses, confiscate LAnds, cut waTEr and electRIcity from PalestiniaN houSEs and raNDomly shoot Palestinians. (8) Ask the uniTEd States for urGEnt militaAY supPOrt and a LOan of one miLLion dolLArs in order to buy a NEw cup of coffee. (9) Ask the UNited naTions to pUNish the coffee-shOp owner by making him offer frEE coFFee to till the end of the cENtury. (10) Last but not least, aCCuse the whOle woRLd to be standing STill, not even symPAthizing with the isrAEli nati0n.
Three Old Women Share a House Three old women are sharing a house when one of their sons comes to visit. He sits at the table with his mother and the conversation turns to the forgetfulness of the other two women. Almost as if on cue, one old woman yells from upstairs, Hey, I’m in bed and I can’t remember if I just woke up or if I need to go to sleep! The two at the table chuckle as the other old woman yells, Hey, I’m in the shower and I can’t remember if I’ve showered of if I just finished! The woman at the table proceeds to knock on the table and say, Knock on wood my memory never gets that bad. Let me just see who’s at the door and I’ll get you some coffee.
Go to Starbucks – Order Coffee – Tell them your name is Waldo – Leave
No cream and nothingness I was sitting in a small caf around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order. I’ll have a coffee with no cream, I said. I’m sorry, sir, she said. We’re all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?
The blonde and the mailman A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door. I hear you’re retiring, she says. Yes, ma’am. I’m turning 65, so it’s time for me to enjoy my golden years. I see, says the blonde. Well… would you like to come upstairs with me? So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they’re done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way. That afternoon she’s having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning. Her friend is aghast. Why in the world would you do something like that? It was my husband’s idea. Your husband’s??? Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, ‘Screw him, give him a dollar’.
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice. So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people on tables with acid slowly dripping on their bodies, after every drop the people scream in pain and the wounds heal just for the next drop to fall. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a very hot room full of people running on treadmills with a pit behind them that was full of spikes. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in urine and feces, smoking cigarettes and sipping coffee. Of the three, this one looks best, he said and waded in to get something to drink and lights up a cigarette while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, Ok, coffee break’s over, back on your heads!
Home Depot. long but worth it I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to poop yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.. Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, crap, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t.. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!! Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’ My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
What’s the difference between communism and capitalism? In the former, man exploits man, in the latter, it’s exactly the opposite.
A man is sitting in an airplane waiting for take off… …when the PA comes on. The captain says, Alright everyone we’ll be entering the runway in just a few minutes. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for take off. There’s a small clicking noise, but the passengers can still hear the captain. He says to the other pilot, Man, you know what I could really go for right now? A blowjob and a cup of coffee. A flight attendant gasps and immediately runs to the cockpit to tell the captain the microphone is still on. Right then the man in the back yells, Hey lady, you forgot the cup of coffee!!
I like my black people like I like my coffee I don’t like coffee.
It’s Frank Everyday, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the HR department and states that she wants to make a sexual harassment grievance against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by thus decision and ask, what’s sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, it’s Frank, the dwarf!
