Why did the cowboy get a miniature dachshund? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
Why did the dog fail his driving test? Because he’s a dog. Dogs cannot drive.
A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender… A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there’s know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, What grows on trees? Bark says the dog. The bartender refuses to give him a drink and makes him ask another question. What’s on top of a house? asks the man. Roof says the dog. Once again, the bartender refuses and makes him ask another question. What’s the best baseball player of all time? Ruth The bartender makes them leave. On the way home the dog asks, Do you think I should have said Rodriguez?
A man walks into a bar… Man walks into a bar and sees $100 bills stapled all over the ceiling. He asks the bartender, what’s up with the bills? Bartender says, That’s part of a bet we have going here. You have to complete three tasks, complete them all and the money is yours. First, see that guy in the corner that looks like Mike Tyson? You have to knock him out in one swing. After that, there is a dog that needs its tooth pulled out back. Last, there is an old woman upstairs that’s never had sex, you have to take her virginity The man says, I think I can do this, but to knock that guy out, I’m going to need a few drinks. Here’s your hundred and my credit card, keep ’em coming. After the man gets pretty loaded, he goes over to the man in the corner and sizes him up, then decides he needs a few more drinks. After another hour of drinking the man is fully loaded. He heads over to the big guy and slurs, your mother gives good head and knocks him out in one swing. The other bar patrons cheer him on as the man heads outside to take care of the dog’s tooth. A solid 20 minutes go by with the dog yelping and crying in the back. Finally, the man staggers back into the bar and asks Now, where’s the old woman that needs her tooth pulled?
A man walks in a bar with his dog… ….and the bartender warns him: I’m sorry pal, you can’t bring your dog in. The man thinks for a while and says: Oh, this is just my seeing-eye dog. I’d better not split up with him . The bartender says OK and the man enjoys a few beers. Then he goes out and sees another man also trying to get in with his dog. He advises him: If you tell them it’s your seeing-eye dog they let your dog in. The man politely thanks him and gets in. And of course, the bartender warns him not to bring the dog in. The man replies: Oh, don’t mind him, he’s just my seeing-eye dog. The bartender suspiciously says: Buddy, I’m pretty sure they do not train a chihuahua to be a seeing-eye dog. The man stops for a few seconds, then shouts: What?! The fucker gave me a chihuahua?! (Shamelessly taken from the book: Plato and Platypus walk into a Bar)
TIFU in the shower Although I still think Up is a strange name for a dog…
A lonely single man is walking With his dog across a bridge, and he sees a beautiful woman sitting on a bench on the other side of the road. He crosses the road towards her. As he does so he sees she is crying. As he moves closer, she starts to get up and stand on the railing as if to jump. He runs over to her and says, Don’t do it! You have too much to live for, your so beautiful Shut up! She says looking round, I can’t do this anymore, I’m going to jump! He looks her up and down and says, well, if your going to jump, why don’t I give it to you quickly before you jump and see if I can change your mind? Piss off you dirty pervert! She screams. Well darling, it’s your choice, if you jump I’m just going to get you at the bottom anyway
A dog named Sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot . I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, I would like to have one too! Then I said, But she is a dog! He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, You don’t understand… I have had Sex since I was nine years old. He replied, You must have been quite a strong boy. When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too! One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. You don’t understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. The Judge said, Me too! Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, I’m looking for Sex. – My case comes up next Thursday.
Facebook..in real life… Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works. I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
A man is watching the news… And the news has a breaking alert, informing locals that the silver-back gorilla at the zoo has broken out. If they see the gorilla, they are to call the number listed on the screen if they see the gorilla. He walks into the kitchen to grab a beer and notices out his window, that the gorilla is sitting in his tree. He runs back to the tv, grabs his phone, and calls the number. The gorilla is in my backyard! He says. We will send someone right over. Responds the woman on he phone, then hangs up. 10 minutes later a beat up, rusty pick-up truck pulls into the man’s driveway. It parks and out steps a grizzly looking old man, with snot in his beard and food stains on his jeans. Following him out of the pick-up truck is an even nastier looking dog, with a scar on his face and patches of hair missing. The old man hobbles up to the door and the man answers. You the one that called about a gorilla? Asks the old man. I am. Responds the man. Alright, well I am a gorilla removal expert and this here is Rex. Rex is a gorilla hunting dog. What is going to happen is I am going to climb up that tree and wrestle with that gorilla. I am then going to knock that gorilla out of the tree and Rex here is going to run up and grab it by the nuts. This will sedate the gorilla so that I can tie it up and take it back to the zoo. Says the old man. He then hands the man a gun. What is the gun for? Asks the man. Well if the gorilla somehow knocks ME out of that tree, you are to shoot that dog.
Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!
A guy takes his dog to the vet. I guy sees that his dog isn’t moving at all so he takes it to the vet. The vet takes a quick look at it and says Sorry sir, but your dog is dead. Are you sure? Can you check more thoroughly? The vet say he will and brings in a Labrador to sniff the dog’s body. After that, he brings in a cat to do the same. He turns to the man and says Yes, your dog is dead beyond all doubt. That will be $2000. $2000! Why? You didn’t believe me so I had to do a lab test and a CAT scan.
A crippled war veteran was walking down the street… … and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk. As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, Vietnam. 40 years back. The other man replies, Dog shit. 40 feet back.
Two friends meet after a long night of drinking… …and the two compare how much they drank. The first says, I must have downed a dozen shots of Tequila, and when I woke up this morning, I was naked on the floor of a hardware store. The second says, I chugged a bottle of whiskey, went home, and blew chunks. The first chuckles you chugged a whole bottle and just threw up? The second replies, no, Chunks is my dog!
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
An old tired dog An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy’s yard. He examines the dog’s collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog’s collar: Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day. The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow
Snuff A struggling businessman took his new client to a bar. One of those joints with a cigar room.They even had snuff boxes on the bar with complimentary snuff. The client had a great time, and commented on how much he enjoyed the snuff. After the client left, the businessman tipped the barman an extra $100, on the proviso that the same snuff was on the bar the following week. Anyway the day they businessman is returning, the barman checks and he is out of snuff. He walks across to the tobacconist to get some more, and finds the tobacconist is also out of stock. Damn. When walking back to the bar he finds a dry dog turd on the grass that looks just the right colour. He scoops it up, crumbles it into little pieces and puts it in the snuffbox. When the businessman comes in with his client they sit down and start drinking, occasionally catching a faint whiff of dog turd. They check their shoes but find nothing. Eventually the client reaches over to the snuffbox, grabs a good pinch of dog turd and snorts it right up both nostrils. He shakes his head, his eyes water and he exclaims Damn thats good snuff; I can smell that dogshit better than ever now!
Pavlov’s doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: Shit, I need to feed the dogs!
Funny and offensive What’s the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex, too. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Are you sure it’s mine? What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins Once upon a time. A Southern fairytale begins Y’all ain’t gonna believe this crap
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog. For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog’s legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn’t able to walk with only one leg. As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it’s hearing after having three legs cut off.
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he’s ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. Excuse me, sir, I don’t mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I’ve ever seen. What happened, who is the funeral for? Well, it’s nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her. That’s awful! , replies the onlooker. But… um… tell me, you don’t think he’d let me borrow that dog, do you? Get in line, buddy, replies the mourner, get in line.
Guy in bar has an altercation with an older man… Some young guys were going to the pub for a few drinks. They were drinking merrily when this old drunk guy quips up to one of the youngsters, Hey, I had a great time with your mom last night! . They decided to ignore him and continue drinking. After a while the old man speaks up again, Your mom gave the best blowjob ever a few weeks ago! . The young guy was starting to get pissed, but kept a level head and continued to enjoy his time with his friends. The old man, getting annoyed that he was ignored, shouted HEY YOU, your mom loves getting anal doggy-style!! The youngster, now completely pissed off, walks up to the old man and says You’re drunk dad, go home.
What do you get when you mix an Insomniac a Dyslexic and an Agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog?
Some trees are at the bar drinking The first one says my girlfriend is going to be pissed when I get home, I’m really gonna be in the dog-wood house when I get home The second one says I know what you mean, my old lady has been pollen me all night. The third says if these tree puns don’t stop I’m gonna have to leaf!
What is a caterpillar afraid of? a dogerpillar. Sorry. It was so bad that I had to share it. Fuck you Laffy Taffy.
Mom, triplets and a smoking gun. A mother, pregnant with triplets, was shopping in the local convenience store. Suddenly a man came in with a gun, held up the owner, and demanded all their cash. The owner, tired of being robbed, also pull out a gun. And in the ensuing gun fire the mother was shot three times in her stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where by some miracle her and all three of her children survived. Months later she gave birth to three healthy babies, 2 girls and a boy. Year go by, the children are now 12. One day one of the girl came crying to her mother. Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out. So to calm her child, the mother told her what had happened 13 years ago. Few days later the other girl came to her crying about the same thing: Mommy! I was peeing and a bullet came out! Again the mother told her what happened. A week go by, this time the boy comes running to his mother. What wrong my son? The mother asks. Did you also pee and a bullet came out? No mom. The boy said shyly. I was masturbating and I shot the dog.
An Irish Golfer Strikes a Leprechaun with his Tee Shot… Colm goes out one fair evening for a solo round of golf. On the third hole (a long dogleg left par 4) he smashes his driver over the trap that guards the left corner of the dogleg. When Colm arrives at his ball, he sees a little red bearded man dressed in green lying unconscious with a large knot on his forehead. Jesus, Mary and Joesph exclaimed Colm, I’ve just killed a bloody Leprechaun! After hemming and hawing about what to do for a minute, he decides to flee. Just then the Leprechaun stirred and then sat up. Weel ya got me! slurred the Leprechaun. Colm, not knowing what to do or say just stared blankly, mouth agape. I see tha cat has got your tongue. said the Leprechaun smiling. You foyn sir are due three wishes. This was more than poor Colm could take. So he ran (golf clubs in tow) for the club house. The perplexed Leprechaun decided that rules were rules and that he would grant the three wishes in the golfer’s stead. The three wishes he granted were. 1) The golfer would always have great rounds of golf. 2) The golfer would never want for money. 3) From here on out, the golfer would have the best sex of his life. One year later Colm was golfing the same course and on the third hole, at the same bunker, the Leprechaun materialized. The Leprechaun asked a startled Colm how his year had been. This year has been amazing said Colm. I’ve golfed twice a week and birdied every hole! He continued, Amazingly, every time I went to the pub for a pint a new 20 pound note was in my wallet. And, I had great sex once a month. The confused Leprechaun asked, sex only once per month? Colm replied, yeah, but that’s not too bad for priest with a small parrish. …I heard that last night at the course. Props to Hugh who told me the joke.
What do you get when you leave a dog inside a car when it’s 100 degrees outside? A hot dog.
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof… So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for Gorilla Removers. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he ll be there in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog. What are you going to do? the homeowner asks. I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun. What’s the shotgun for? , asks the homeowner. If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.
Curious cherokee boy. A young cherokee boy approached his wise old grandfather. granfather , he said, how do we get owe names. well , said grandfather. When a man becomes a father, as soon as his wife has given birth the man walks out of the tent and the first thing he sees becomes the babies name. So if he walked out and saw a deer running, the babies name would be Running Deer, or if he walked out and saw some flowers, the babies name would be Wild Flower. Then the wise grandfather looks at the curious boy and sais, Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking ?
People who get offended when I breast feed publicly can fuck off What I’m doing is totally natural and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog
A Shitty Surprise A few weeks ago *Dan* a co-worker of my dad’s. Had given him a garbage bag of clothing. (My dad is the type of guy who will take anything.). Can you come in here , I think Mimi peed on my bed… I went to his room and examined the bed and there was no sign of her relieving herself but there was a weird smell in there. Flash forward to today. After our dinner , Me and my mom are chilling in the living room, watching Dance Moms. Then I hear my dad upstairs cleaning his room . Then all of a sudden I hear a gagging noise OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING GUY I thought maybe he found my brothers stash. But all of a sudden he rushed downstairs and out the door. ….. My dad then walks into the house with one tear coming from his one eye right eye. THAT FUCKING GUY GIVES ME A BAG WITH CLOTHES AND DOG SHIT IN IT!! THAT MADE ME VOMIT!! …oh fuck looool! While my dad was sorting through the bag of clothes for his trip abroad, he found the bag of Dan’s dog’s shit at the bottom. Since he got the bag of clothes two weeks ago …the surprise was also there for two weeks.The look on his face was priceless, he thought the whole time that my cat had pissed on his bed. But in reality it was that shitty surprise. **this person name has been changed,he worked with my dad.
Donald says he wants to run for President and move on into the White House… …why not; it wouldn’t be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home -Snoop Dogg
Thor. He follows the same naming conventions as macho men with their dogs. Thor means thunder. But also the literal translation of Mjolnir is crusher .
Blonde joke A blonde woman was tired of people always cracking jokes about her blondness and so decided to dye her hair bright red. She decided to go for a drive. She happened to come along a sheep farm. She stops and says to the farmer if i can guess how many sheep you have can i have one? And the farmer says sure have at er! So the woman looks and makes her estimate at 42 sheep. The farmer says hey hey! Good job go ahead and pick your sheep . So the woman takes a sheep and puts it in the back seat of her car and is about to leave when the farmer asks. If i can guess your real hair colour can i have my sheep back? the woman agrees and the farmer replies blonde she is stunned and asks how he knew. the farmer says you have my dog in your car
My little cousin told me this one: There once was a woman who loved naming everything she owned. One day she bought a house and didn’t know what to name it, so she said I’ll sleep on it, and the first thing I see tomorrow morning will be the new name of my house! The next day she wakes up and rolls over. It was yard work day and her husband was outside. She saw him bending over with his big hairy butt hanging out of his pants, so she decided to name her house Hairy Butt. She got up to help her husband with yard work and a stray dog wandered onto their lawn. They decide to keep it. She takes the dog for a walk and sees he sniffs on all the sidewalk cracks, so she decides to name him crack. The next day the dog runs away, and she calls the police. She tells them I looked all over my hairy butt but couldn’t find my crack!
Tuna Style A man and a woman are about to get it on and the woman looks at the man and says I wanna do doggy style, horse style and…she pauses and looks him dead in the face and says Tuna style… The man fearful he may blow it asks what is Tuna style? The woman replies, ya I thought you might say that, most find something fishy about it.
A Family Fourth Every year the family held a big family 4th of July picnic complete with hot dogs, burgers, fried chicken and all the side dishes. Two elderly aunts, Nellie and Ellie, were retired school teachers. It was an unmentioned fact that both ladies suffered from incontinence and wore protective undergarments. Nellie asked the kids if they knew what holiday we were celebrating. They all answered, 4th of July. Ellie said, That’s the date but does anyone know the real name? Little Steven hollered, I know! I know! … It’s In Depends Aunt’s Day.
mens rights activists Every year the family held a big family 4th of July picnic complete with hot dogs, burgers, fried chicken and all the side dishes. Two elderly aunts, Nellie and Ellie, were retired school teachers. It was an unmentioned fact that both ladies suffered from incontinence and wore protective undergarments. Nellie asked the kids if they knew what holiday we were celebrating. They all answered, 4th of July. Ellie said, That’s the date but does anyone know the real name? Little Steven hollered, I know! I know! … It’s In Depends Aunt’s Day.
The reason my jokes are so funny is because I have Every year the family held a big family 4th of July picnic complete with hot dogs, burgers, fried chicken and all the side dishes. Two elderly aunts, Nellie and Ellie, were retired school teachers. It was an unmentioned fact that both ladies suffered from incontinence and wore protective undergarments. Nellie asked the kids if they knew what holiday we were celebrating. They all answered, 4th of July. Ellie said, That’s the date but does anyone know the real name? Little Steven hollered, I know! I know! … It’s In Depends Aunt’s Day.
A young boy at school… Over hears two other boys talking and using the words pussy and bitch. So he goes home and asks his mother what pussy means. She sighs and says it means a cat. The boy quickly responds with what about a bitch? . The mother once again sighs and smiles at her child and replies it’s a female dog, honey. The boy thanks his mother but is confused as to why the boys would be talking about cats and dogs the way they were. The boy goes to his father, who is watching the game and doesn’t like to be disturbed while watching the game, and asks him what pussy means. The father reaches down to the pile of magazines he has beside his chair and grabs a nudie mag and sharpie. He flips to a page circles the pussy on the woman and says that’s a pussy, son. The boy again quickly replies what’s a bitch? Without batting an eye the father states everything around the circle.
Reddit administration. Over hears two other boys talking and using the words pussy and bitch. So he goes home and asks his mother what pussy means. She sighs and says it means a cat. The boy quickly responds with what about a bitch? . The mother once again sighs and smiles at her child and replies it’s a female dog, honey. The boy thanks his mother but is confused as to why the boys would be talking about cats and dogs the way they were. The boy goes to his father, who is watching the game and doesn’t like to be disturbed while watching the game, and asks him what pussy means. The father reaches down to the pile of magazines he has beside his chair and grabs a nudie mag and sharpie. He flips to a page circles the pussy on the woman and says that’s a pussy, son. The boy again quickly replies what’s a bitch? Without batting an eye the father states everything around the circle.
A man, a pub and a dare A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes. bartender, what’s this then the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap. oh, that’s for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First you have to knock out the bouncer at the Pink Panther club down the road, big mean Maori bloke. Next we got this wild dingo out back, angry bugger, got to pull out one of its teeth bare handed. Finally up stairs me Nan needs a root, she’s 98 but she’s up for it the bartender replies while pouring. The man downs his glass, puts the money in the jar, nods his head and leaves. 20 minutes later the bartender gets a call from his mate at the club saying some crazy bastard knocked out the big kiwi bartender with an uppercut. The door then slams open and the man walks in with a triumphant grin. Alright, where’s this dingo? The dogs out back tied up. Careful though it’s pretty dangerous says the bartender while opening the back door and showing him the way. When he returns the pub is quiet, every patron listening in for the chaos that would come. Then, squeals and screams, the sounds of tearing clothes and flesh. The dingo was clearly ripping him apart and all everyone could do is sit there in dread, glancing at each other in worry. A little while passes and it goes quite, until the back door slams open and there stands the man, panting and tired with bite marks and blood all over him. Jesus Christ mate gasps the worried bartender, no one’s ever gone this far before . The man stares the bartender down. I don’t want to talk about it, just show me where your bloody grandma is so I can pull out her damned tooth .
So i picked up a hitchhiker once.. I was on my way home from work on a rainy day, when i noticed a guy with a large hiking backpack and two small dogs walking in the rain with no umbrella. I decided i’d pull over and offer this guy a ride. So i pull up next to him and ask where are you goin’ man? , and he replied I need to get to the train station. since i was heading twords the train station, i said sure, ill bring you close but i can’t get you all the way there to which he said thank you! any bit helps. He gets into my car and i told him to put his backpack in the back seat and to hold his dogs on his lap since i had just bought this car and didn’t want anything to happen to it. We’re on our way. Its very silent. we pull up to a red light and he says nothing. so i just keep going. a couple minutes go by and i’m like… i guess i should make some conversation.. so i ask hey whats in the backpack? with a joking laugh. this got his attention quickly. he turned his head to me and looked me dead in the eyes and said aggressively NONE OF YOUR FUCKIN’ BUSINESS! . At this point i’m shitting bricks.. who the hell did i pick up, is he gonna kill me? so i kept driving.. but as i kept going I decide, no way i’m gonna let some guy talk to me like that when i offer them a ride. so i pull over and i tell him the get the fuck out of my car. he looked at me then got out with his dogs and i sped off. i finally get home, still kinda scared from what just happened, and when i start to get out of the car.. i realize he left his backpack in the back seat. so i went inside and told my brother what had just happened and he couldn’t believe it.. EDIT: look in comments for the punchline
My wife told me that I am very controlling. She’ll stay locked in the closet with the dog collar on until she apologizes for her comment.
I went to the zoo the other day.. I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? I sure did, responded his friend. He can’t swim.
What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’ Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’ Harry: ‘9.’ Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’ Harry: ’36.’ And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’ Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’ The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’ Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’ Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ Harry: ‘Pants.’ The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’ Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’ Harry: ‘Shake hands.’ The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’ Harry: ‘Firetruck.’ The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…’
The city of Chicago police department has announced this morning that all German Shepherd Police Dogs will be replaced by Coon Hounds, due to the fact that the city is not having any problems with the Germans.
A man walks into a zoo. A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a* Shitzhu*.
