Since we are doing lightbulb jokes, here’s one… Q: How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish!
Son of a Bitch A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish. He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, Wow, that’s a big son of a bitch! The priest looked over and said, My son, I’m a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t talk like that. The guy looks at him and says, That’s what we call those fish in this part of the country. The priest was like, oh, okay. So, the priest takes the fish back to where he lives and a nun walks up and says, Wow, did you catch that on your fishing trip? The priest proudly holds the fish up and says, Yes, I caught this son of a bitch! The nun looks at him and says, Father! The priest says, That’s what they call these fish where I caught it! The nun says, Would you like for me to clean that son of a bitch for you? The priest says, That will be fine. So the nun is carrying it to clean when another nun walks up and ask where she got it. The nun carrying the fish replies, The father caught this son of a bitch! The nun that asked says, Sister! The nun carrying the fish says, That’s what the father said they’re called! The other nun says, I’ll bake that son of a bitch after you clean it then! Well, low and behold the pope shows up for dinner. Everyone finishes dinner and the pope is sitting there and he looks around, leans back and says, That was a fine meal you cooked for the Pontiff. Well the priest didn’t want to be outdone and he jumps up and exclaims, I caught that son of a bitch! The nun that cleaned it jumps up and says, I cleaned that son of a bitch! Well the other nun didn’t want to be left out and she jumps up and says, And I baked that son of a bitch! Upon hearing this the pope looks around and says with a loud voice, You know what? You motherfuckers are alright!
There was a fly hovering six inches above a lake In the middle of the woods there was a small lake. In the middle of this lake there was a fly hovering six inches above the water. Down in the water there was a fish. And the fish said: If that fly drops six inches…I’m going to get that fly. A little ways away from that there was a bear. And the bear saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, and that fish gets that fly…I’m going to get that fish. A little ways away from that there was a hunter. And the hunter saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, and that bear gets that fish…I’m going to shoot that bear. A little ways away from that there was a mouse. And the mouse saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear…I’m going to steal that hunters cheese. A little ways away from that there was a cat. And the cat saw the fly and said: If that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly, that bear gets that fish, that hunter shoots that bear, that mouse steals that cheese…I’m going to eat that mouse. Now for a brief moment everything stood still. There was silence everywhere as everyone watched the fly. All of a sudden, the fly dropped six inches. The fish jumped up and grabbed the fly, the bear ran in and got the fish, the hunter took aim and shot the bear, the mouse ran up to steal the hunters cheese, and the cat jumped at the mouse to eat him, but at the very last second the mouse saw the cat and jumped out of the way and the cat landed in the lake. Now the moral of the story is: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.
Sommamabitch fish A priest was on sabbatical. He took a relaxing vacation to a cabin on the lake. He hires a fishing guide, and sets out for the prime fishing spots. After a while, there is a huge tug on his fishing line. After a struggle, he finally reels in the fish. The fishing guide immediately exclaims Look at that huge sommamabitch! , to which the priest answers I would ask you to please watch your language . The guide then tells the priest, Oh no father, that’s the name of this type of fish, the sommamabitch fish . The priest then says Well I’m gonna clean this sommamabitch; the bishop is coming over later . A nun is at the cabin to help with preparing for the Bishop’s arrival. The priest busts through the door saying I’m gonna clean up this sommamabitch, and you can help me fry up that sommamabitch . The nun says could you please watch the language?! to which the priest tells her that it is actually called a sommamabitch fish. Happily she exclaims well I’ll fry up that sommamabitch! Later on the bishop arrives. The priest tells him how he caught and cleaned that sommamabitch. The nun tells him how she fried up that sommamabitch. The bishop asks them to please watch their language. They tell him that the name of the fish is a sommamabitch fish. The bishop then says the pope will be arriving in town and he would really enjoy this sommamabitch! . The pope stops by and a big feast is ready. The priest says i caught this huge sommamabitch! . The nun says and I fried up that sommamabitch! . And the bishop says I set the table, so we could enjoy this sommamabitch! The pope kicks his feet up on the table, leans back, and says You know, you fuckers are alright
So a man and a priest are fishing… A man and a priest are fishing when all of a sudden the mans pole jerks forward. With all his might the man reels in his reward and looks at it and says wow this is one long son of a bitch . The priest turns around and looks at the man straight in the eyes and the man, trying to cover up his profanity in front of the priest says that that is the type of fish and he gives it to him. So the pope is coming to town so the priest gives the fish to a nun so she can prepare it. He hands it to her and says cook this son of a bitch right up . The nun gasps and the priest tells her that it is the type of fish so she cooks it up. When its ready to eat she gives it to the pope and says eat this son of a bitch . The pope looks at the priest and the nun and they explain that the fisherman told the priest it was called a son of a bitch and the priest told the nun it was called a son of a bitch and the pope looks up at them, takes a bite, and then says you know what? This motherfucker doesn’t taste too bad!
How to catch a Polar Bear Cut a hole in the ice, fill it with dead fish, then hide. When the polar bear shows up, kick him in the ice hole.
Single Black Female seeks male companionship. Single Black Female This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal. ________________________________ SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me…. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I’ll be waiting….. http://imgur.com/e0UxGzw
So there are two race horses named Moe & Joe (Joke by a friend from middle school) So there were these two racehorses named Moe & Joe, they were like two bugs in a rug two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be. They always tied! One day Moe & Joe were racing, neck & neck as they always were, but then at the last minute Moe jumped ahead and won the race. Back at the stable Joe said to Moe What happened Moe? We’re supposed to be two bugs in a rug, two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be. We always tie! Moe replied I’m sorry Joe, something just came over me I had to win. Tell you what, next race I’ll let you win by a whole foot. So the next race came and Joe was ahead by a whole foot, but at the last second Moe jumped ahed and won the race. Back at the stable Joe said to Moe What happened Moe? You were Supposed to let me win. We’re supposed to be two bugs in a rug, two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be. We always tie! Moe replied I’m sorry Joe something just came over me I had to win. Tell you what ,next race I’ll let you win by a whole horse length (which if you know nothing about horse races is a long distance). So the next race came Joe was ahead a whole horse length, when at the last second Moe jumped ahead and won the race. Back at the stable Joe said to Moe Moe what happened? You were supposed to let me win. We’re supposed to be two bugs in a rug, two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be. We always tie! Moe replied I know Joe something just keeps coming over me and I need to win. I promise next race I’ll let you win by a whole half lap. So the next race came came and Joe was ahead by a whole half lap when, at the last second, Moe jumped ahead and won the race. On the way back to the stable Joe’s owner said to him Joe, I’ve been losing a lot of money lately. If you don’t win your next race I’m going to have to sell you to the glue factory. Back at the stable Joe said to Moe Moe if I don’t win the next race I’m going to be sold to the glue factory! We’re supposed to be two bugs in a rug, two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be! We always tie! Moe replied Joe I’m so sorry I had to win that last race. I swear on my mother’s grave that I won’t even leave the starting gate next race. So the next race came and Joe was about to pass the finish when, at the last second, Moe bolts out of the starting gate and wins. Back at the stable Joe said to Moe Moe! Now I’m going to go to the glue factory what happened? to which Moe replied I’m sorry Joe at the last second I got this feeling and couldn’t lose that race! The old Dog in the corner saw this argument and said to Moe & Joe Y’know you two are supposed to be two bugs in a rug, two fish in the sea, which is so very hard for two racehorses to be. You always tie! You to are supposed to be best friends and thats something special that very few have these days. You got to keep that. Moe & Joe then looked at each other and simultaneously said Hey look everybody, a talking dog!
The shipwrecked sea captain (NSFW text) A sea captain was shipwrecked on a deserted island for over 6 months. When the coast guard finally tracked him down they showed up with two rescue boats, one carrying his wife. Upon the tearful reunion the sea captains wife wanted to make sure he was okay. How was the island, did you find food, are you okay? I’m fine – the sea captain replied – There was plentiful food and fresh water, only… There is one thing. Being shipwrecked here for so long, a man does get urges. Without you here, I had to look elsewhere to satisfy them. Oh? responded his wife, What happened? Well, obviously the boat crashed and I wasn’t able to salvage much, so I’m sorry to say that for the past 6 months I’ve been making love to a net. A net? The wife appeared shocked. Oh well, I guess you have to turn somewhere, I forgive you darling. Just then, a beautiful woman emerged from the woods. She was naked from head to toe except for a loin cloth around her waste. She smiled and waved at the sea captain, it was evident she’d lived on the island for years. Wait a minute, his wife slowly realized, Is that… Annette?? She started fuming. What? No? That’s Maya. The sea captain responded. HEY MAYA, CAN YOU GRAB ME THAT FISHING NET I LIKE TO FUCK, IM GOING HOME!
Whats the difference between a prostitute with chronic diarrhea and an epileptic oyster fisherman? The prostitute fucks between shits and the oyster fisherman shucks between fits.
The cast of the Matrix was having a barbeque The seafood was fresh off the grill. Keanu Reeves tasted it and exclaimed What is this! It’s like charcoal! The cook turned and said What if I told you…that’s why they call me Laurence Fishburne ^I’ll ^see ^myself ^out
3 Awesome Jokes There is a potato and a cucumber in a boat on a river. The potato starts rocking in the boat. The cucumber says stop rocking the boat! The potato does not listen. The cucumber says If you do not stop rocking the boat, then I will throw you off! The potato continues rocking the boat. The cucumber throws him in the river. Two guys and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender asks, Why the long face? There was once a king and a queen. They were quite busy and could only see each other on one day of the year when they would go fishing together. One day, the queen shows up to fish, but does not see the king. Her heart broken, she throws her ring into the river. The king comes by sometime later, missing the queen. He decides to fish anyways for a few hours. After catching something, the king’s servant asks him what he got. The king replies, a potato.
Italian housewife wants husband to go down on her. One evening while making Lasagna for her husband, Giosetta began to wonder why her husband, Giuseppe had never attempted to perform cunnilingus on her. Frustrated, she worked up the courage and flat out asked him, Giuseppe, why you never no kiss me down here!? (motioning to her crotch). Giuseppe, shocked at Giosetta’s audacity didn’t have the heart to tell his lovely wife of 15 years that her vagina smelled like the bottom of the ocean. He dodged the question by complimenting her excellent kitchen skills. The next day Giosetta paid a visit to her gynecologist and begged for his help. When the Doc put his head near her open thighs he knew right away what the problem was. He recommended some scented perscription strength lotions that kill bacteria and might actually entice Giuseppe to want to perform oral duties. The following day while making Spaghetti, Giosetta sat Giuseppe down and confessed that she knew why he didn’t want to eat her out. She went on to explain how the Doctor had a variety of scented lotions, Cucumber and lime, Vanilla, lavender, peach, Mango and so on. Giuseppe was so delighted with Giosettas decision to fix the smelly problem he jumped up from the dinner table and asked, Oh Giosetta bella! What flavor did you picka for me!? Giosetta full of glee also jumps up from the dinner table and screams, I picka the Tuna Fisha!
A priest goes into a tattoo parlor (NSFW) And says that he wants to get a tattoo of a fish on his penis. The tattoo artist is taken aback, but agrees to do the tattoo. When the tattoo artist is almost done, he says to the priest, Father, I’m sorry, I just have to ask- why a tattoo of a fish on your penis?? The priest calmly replies, Well, it’s Lent, and the nuns don’t eat meat…
THE salesman story. A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota . Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One . The boss says Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you’re not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), So, how much was your one sale for? The kid looks up at his boss and says $101,237.65 . The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition. The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!? The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’
What’s the difference between a walrus and a vagina? One has thick whiskers and smells like fish. The others a WALRUS.
A Man dies and goes to Hell… … he looks around with an expression of great surprise at it’s existence. He sees souls getting skewered, souls getting beat up with chains, souls stewing in pans with devils pouring in the oil. An approaching Demon bellows: Choose your torture. Wait wait! Can I look around some more first? Sure… Take your time… ha ha ha The man walks around for awhile, observing scenes of increasing terror, when suddenly he spots an Oasis. A Setting Sun. Sand. A Beach caressed by gentle waves. Chairs and tables. People in fine clothing attended to by beautiful servants. He sits down next to a gentleman having a cold beer. Can I have a sip of that? Sure! Servant, bring another! Can we get some fish and chips too? No problem! He notices the order was brought by a scantly clad beauty. She winks seductively at him before departing. Think she’ll join us for a glass of wine? I think she might! Wait a minute, are we actually in hell? Yes, certainly. Then what’s that out there, with all the horrors and torture?! Oh that? Don’t worry! That’s just for believers.
two fish are in a…. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, ‘do you know how to drive this thing?’
Four Men Are In A Rowboat… They’re fishing and after a couple hours without success, they all decide it’s time for a smoke. They pull out their packs, but alas, no one has anything to light the cigarettes with. That’s when they throw one of their cigarettes over board. Now the boat is a cigarette lighter.
I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for a few dollars for food. I pull $10 from my wallet and ask the man if i give you this money will you buy beer with it? No i had to give up drinking years ago the man replied Will you use it to fish instead of buying food? I asked No i dont waste time fishing he replied I have to use my time to try and stay alive Will you use it to buy hunting equiptment i asked? Are you NUTS? I havent been hunting in twenty years!! Well i said instead of giving you the money im going to take you home and give you a nice hot bath, and a amazing dinner cooked by my wife The man, astounded asked wont your wife be furious? I replied dont worry about that. It’s important for her to see what happens to a man when he stops hunting, fishing and drinking.
Adam and Eve joke So shortly after God created Eve God calls Adam over for a chat. So how is everything going with this new female? She s fantastic God. There’s just one problem. Smell this. Adam puts his fingers up to God’s nose and God takes a whiff. Fuck Adam, that smells terrible. Where on my green Earth did that come from? Well that came from Eve’s pussy. Oh no, where’s Eve now? She’s in the ocean washing it out. Dammit don’t let her do that. Now all the fish are going to stink.
Homeless Man I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner? No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied. Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food? I asked. No, I don’t waste time fishing, the homeless man said.. I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive. Will you spend this on hunting equipment? I asked. Are you NUTS! replied the homeless man. I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years! Well, I said, I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The homeless man was astounded. Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.
A man wakes his wife up and says… Today is my birthday. You, me and the dog are going fishing. To this the wife replies, There is no way I am going fishing with you and the dog. Once again the man insists that it is his birthday and he wants to go fishing with her and the dog. And once again the wife refuses to go. Finally the man says, Fine, I’ll give you three options then. You can go fishing with me and the dog, you can suck my dick, or you can take it in the pooper. The wife thinks for a moment and replies, Fine, whip it out, I’ll give you a quick suck. Upon reaching for the husband’s dick the wife pulls back suddenly in revulsion and shouts, Ew! It smells like shit! Yeah the dog didn’t want to go fishing either.
Why was Hitler better than Jesus? Jesus may have fed 5,000 people with 5 loaves of bread ad 2 fish, but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
Short simple fish joke A fish is swiming upstream in a river hits a concrete wall looks up and says ,dam!
The fishing trip A grandfather and grandson are away on a fishing trip. They get up early in the morning and go out in the boat. They manage to catch a few nice sized bass before going in for breakfast. While eating breakfast the boy turns to his grandfather and says, Grandpa, these plates are kind of dirty. The grandfather replies, Well, they’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Satisfied with the response the boy continues to eat his bacon and eggs. The two go out in the boat again for a couple hours and this time they get a few bites, but don’t catch anything. They come back into the cottage and have some lunch. The boy looks at his plate and says to his grandfather, This plate is filthy, Grandpa. The grandfather responds sternly, Look, that’s as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just eat your sandwich. They boy sighs and continues to eat quietly. In the afternoon the two go out in the boat one last time. They don’t even get a bite. Feeling tired, the two return to the cottage remembering that the day wasn’t a total loss. The grandfather cooks up the bass from the morning and puts on the radio for a little while. When they sit down to eat the well seasoned bass, the boy exclaims, Eww grandpa, these plates are disgusting! The grandfather, now fed up with his grandson’s tone replies, How many times do I have to tell you? They’re as clean as cold water can get them! Now sit down and eat! The boy reluctantly eats his meal and afterwards goes outside on the deck where his grandfather is already smoking his nightly cigar. The two are standing quietly looking up at the night sky when suddenly the grandfather’s beagle comes running up and starts humping the boy’s leg. The grandfather swats the dog and yells, God dammit Cold Water, get down off him!
Punishment Not talking to your husband to punish him is like trying to kill a fish by drowning!
Is this joke racist? Dear redditors of reddit, could you let me know in the comments if the following joke is racist/culturally insensitive? It seems to be quite old and I like it, just would be grateful for your opinion, thanks. According to recent reports the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it) going for a song. Meanwhile, 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Offensive Ray and Janay Rice Jokes Why did Ray feel justified in clobbering Janay in the casino? She kept saying hit me, hit me at the blackjack table. What initially attracted Ray to Janay? She’s a knockout. What’s the most popular brand of headphones in the NFL? Beats by Ray. Why does Janay avoid intercourse with Ray in the winter? She doesn’t want to get cold-cocked. Why is Ray such a successful fisherman when Janay’s with him? He uses the right hook. What’s the beverage Ray always serves Janay at parties? Punch. How does NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell hide his weeping over the Rice controversy? He wears Ray-Bans. Does Janay enjoy gambling trips with Ray? Yes, they’re always a big hit. Is it true that Janay looks just like her mother in photographs? Yes, she’s a spitting image. Is Janay aware of Ray’s violent tendencies? Maybe unconsciously. How much does Janay enjoy riding elevators? So much, that Ray’s got to drag her away from them. How do Janay’s elevator experiences with Ray defy physics? She’s always going down on the ground floor. Just how serious is Janay about not getting pregnant by Ray? She’d rather be knocked out than knocked up.
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church… He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, Give it a shot, father. After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! The priest says, Ah, please sir, can you mind your language? The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch! Oh, I’m sorry, says the priest. I didn’t know. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch! Please father, says the bishop. Mind your language, this is a house of God. No, you don’t understand, says the priest. That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch! Hmmm, says the bishop. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner. So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope? My lord, what language! says the mother. No, sister, says the bishop. That’s what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it Hmmm, replies Mother Superior. Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight. While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. I caught the sonofabitch! says the priest. And I cleaned the sonofabitch! says the bishop. And I cooked the sonofabitch! says Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, You know, you fuckers are all right.
What’s the difference between Ray Rice’s wife and a fish? A fish can take a left hook.
An old man goes fishing by himself…. He has been a widower for the last 15 years and really has not been social since his wife passed. One day he decides to go out fishing early in the morning, so he packs up his canoe and gear and heads out to a local pond. Hours pass and he has not caught a thing, from the other side of the pond he hears a voice yell Hey old man over here! . The old man cannot see anyone but he paddles over to where he thought he heard the sound. Again, the voice is heard Old man im over here, down by the lillies! The old man looks over and atop a lilly pad he sees a bullfrog… What are you? said the old man. Well truly im princess but i got turned into a frog. If you kiss me i will turn back into a princess and give you the best sex of your life till your end. The old man is very suspicious so he picks up the frog and throws it in his shirt pocket…. Hey old man didn’t hear what i said?? i said if you kiss me i will give you the best sex of your life! ….the old man replies at this point in my life…i think id rather have a talking frog .
Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing… Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two. Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two. The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP. Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. Dammit, Dad! If you don’t quit screwing around you can’t play with us anymore!
I can not fathom how some people are exactly 6 feet tall. Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two. Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two. The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP. Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. Dammit, Dad! If you don’t quit screwing around you can’t play with us anymore!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this? Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.
Three drug dealers are just cruising around town… … in their chevy, chilling out to a few good tunes. One is a cocaine dealer, the second one is a heroine dealer, and the third is a weed dealer. Suddenly they come across a cop’s car. The cops go: Fuck, look, the three dealers! The dealers go: Fuck, look, the PO-LICE!! Tires screetch, sirens blast, before you know it a full on pursuit kicks off. The three dealer’s car takes off in a cloud of smoke, slalom through heavy traffic at 160 mph, followed closely by a dozen of patrol cars. As they approach downtown, the streets get narrower – they fishtail bullit-style around a corner, straight into a one way back alley. Blasting their way through rubbish bins, laundry lines and scared cats, they see in despair that the cops are still after them and have also made it into the alley. But suddenly the brakes scream as the dealer’s car comes to a halt, only inches away from a small brick wall built across the street. This alley is so tight there is no way of turning around: they are stuck. The cocaine dealer goes: Hey guys, no panic, I know how do get out of this. I have a pound of pure colombian in the back. I say we sniff it all, and we’ll then be so fucking amped that we will RUN straight to that brick wall, break through it – and that’s how we are going to escape. The heroine dealer goes: That’s a fucking stupid idea. I say this: I have a pound of the best horse in the trunk. We smack it up fast, and we’ll be so fucking high that we will FLY away – yeah, we are going to escape by fucking flying above that wall. The weed dealer then says: You guys are crazy. I’ve got a pound of nice skunky purple haze in the trunk. I say we smoke it all… and see what happens.
The fly and the pond. There is a fly 6 inches above a pond, in that pond there is a fish, the fish is thinking if that fly goes 6 inches lower i could eat it . There is a bear on the shore of the pond and is thinking if that fly goes 6 inches lower the fish could get the fly and i could get the fish! There is a hunter watching the bear, and he thinks if that fly goes 6 inches lower, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish and i could get the bear! There is a mouse watching the hunter thinking to himself if that fly goes 6 inches lower, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, and i could get the hunters crackers! There is a cat sitting up on a hill watching this all and he thinks to himself if the fly goes 6 inches lower, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, the mouse could get the crackers and i could get the mouse! Now the whole scenario plays out, the fly goes six inches lower and the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear and the mouse gets the crackers. As the cat is making its way down the hill to get the mouse, he trips and falls in the water. What is the moral of the story? Every time a fly goes 6 inches lower a pussy gets wet.
A blind man goes for a morning walk He’s walking around tapping away. He happens to pass a fish market. He takes in a deep breath and says Aaaaahhhhh. Good mornin ladies
The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW) So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire. One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, and his trusty doberman, who was sailing with them. The man adapts, survives, etc. Fishes with a spear, makes fire, builds his own hut, purifies his own water, and feeds his four-legged friends, etc. Cast Away style and shit. After a few months the man starts to get a little *lonely.* The pig is starting to look pretty good — that soft, pink flesh, that nice, round ass… those thin, wiry, blonde hair strands. So one day he’s gazing into the eyes of his beautiful pig. He pets his pig. He then begins to grope his pig. One thing leads to another, and soon enough, the man is inside of his pig, performing smooth, insidious thrusts. In the heat of his moment, the man’s doberman starts biting at his ankle, trying to wrangle him around. AH SHIT! the man yells, kicks the dog, and begins to nurse his injury. Days later, Dog’s out on the beach digging a hole or whatever… chasing crabs and shit. The man is yet again alone with his pig and starts to feel that urge. He goes over to the pig, double-checks to see his dog preoccupied, and starts railing this pig. Sure enough, the second he looks down, there’s his fucking trusty doberman again, gnawing his leg. GAH! DAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK??? He screams, kicks some sand at the dog, and wraps up his ankle with some leaves. Next day, man sees his dog playing with a stick. Thinks, Hm… dog+stick… Takes the stick, and throws it as far as he can into the jungle. Dog bolts into the trees in pursuit of the stick. AIN’T NO DOG GONNA FIND NO STICK IN NO JUNGLE! HA! HA! HA! he says, running for his pig. He plops down on his knees behind Pig, and gets back to business. Amongst his passion, the man recognizes a burning pain in his lower leg. He detaches from his piggy fantasies to see the doberman teeth-deep into his ankle yet again, blood all over the goddamn place. OH GOD DAMMIT PISS! He dresses his wounds, and then in overwhelming frustration, the man collapses for a nap. The next day the man is staring into the horizon, when he sees a ship. He looks closer only to notice that there is a figure atop the ship, a woman. Not only is she a woman, but a *drop-dead gorgeous* woman. So Dude swims out there Baywatch style, saves the woman just as the ship sinks below the surface, and brings her back to his island. She’s completely unconscious. He finally revives her and she says to him, Oh my god thank you so much! You saved my life!! I wish there was something I could do to repay you! Oh! Anything, I’ll do anything! So, Dude thinks for a minute and says: Well… you wanna take my dog for a walk?
I once had sex with a mermaid I am pretty sure at least. It was dark and she smelled fishy down there.
What do you call a polish guy on a boat? A fishing pole
Which sea creature is the most determined? Any fish that is swimming near a dolphin, because then, it swims with a porpoise.
A man had been stuck on an island for 10 years One day, he came across a mysterious box that had washed ashore. He opened the box, hoping for something to help him, and was disappointed to discover a mysterious blue thing with a plastic cover and white things with letters. He stewed for a while before discovering that he could spell out a help message! The man arranged the letters, and set it out to sea. 6 months later, a fisherman discovered a bizarre floating object. He picked up, cleared the grime, and read the message inside. SENDI NGOUT ANSOS Ha-ha, I get it! Message in a Boggle! Really funny! The fisherman tossed the game away and went back to fishing as it floated to the bottom.
An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it. The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, Only a little while. The banker then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican fisherman replied he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked But what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman replied, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos: I have a full and busy life, senor. The investment banker scoffed, I am an Ivy League MBA, and I could help you. You could spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats until eventually you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to the middleman you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You could control the product, processing and distribution. Then he added, Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City where you would run your growing enterprise. The Mexican fisherman asked, But senor, how long will this all take? To which the American replied, 15-20 years. But what then? asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said, That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions. Millions, senor? Then what? To which the investment banker replied, Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.
I’m Sorry Miss Jackson I’m sorry miss jackson I am four eels Never meant to make your daughter cry I am several fish and not a guy
A man walks into a library… A man walks into a library and says to the librarian can I have fish and chips please . The librarian looks at him very confused and replies sorry this is a library . The man whispers can I have fish and chips please
Drunk in an aquarium A drunk is stumbling home after another night of debauchery when he comes across the local aquarium. Intoxicated enough to not realize it was supposed to be closed, he walks in the accidentally-unlocked door and starts marveling at the fish and other marine life. After a while, his couple dozen beers start to catch up with him and he begins relieving himself… right into the beluga habitat. At this moment, the patrolling security guard shows up and goes ballistic. How did you get in here? And what the hell do you think you’re doing?! You’re pissing all over the whales! The drunk slurs, Hey man, I’m drunk! And besides, it’s not like I did it on porpoise!
Hungry priests A group of hungry priests walk into a restaurant. One orders the fish. They all leave satisfied.
Adam and Eve have sex for the first time… Adam and Eve have sex for the first time, then Eve goes for a swim in the ocean. Suddenly God comes down and says, Eve, what the fuck are you doing!?!?!?!? Now I’ll NEVER get the smell outta those fish!
Just some guys chilling out in Heaven Two guys die and go to heaven. They relax with some beer and some salt-dried fish. They watch the waves roll against the river bank, and take things real slow and easy. Suddenly, another guy emerges from the brushwood, takes a quick sip of beer, a piece of fish, and dives back into the brush. And again, several times in a row. Eventually the two guys can’t take it any more and tell him: – Why do you keep running around? This is heaven – you have all the time in the world. Don’t kill the mood. – Hey dudes, I’d be happy to hang around! But I’m in **intensive care**!
