Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?! Johnny: Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!
One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend. A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks Where the hell have you been? He says, The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold! His wife suspects this is a lie, and says I’ve never heard of it . The man drunkenly pulls out a napkin that has a phone number on it and says call them! She hears a voice on the other line say Thanks for calling, we have live music and drink specials every Friday. How may i help you? She yells Do you really have golden chairs at your bar? Absolutely ma’am. replies the voice on the other end. And what about golden glasses? she asks. Yes, we have those comes the reply. The husband starts to grin and smugly says I told you! They even have a golden toilet! The wife says to the voice on the other line My husband says you even have a golden toilet? She hears the bartender say Hold on a minute miss Johnny, I think I know who took a shit in your tuba!
Susie Susie Susie … Oh A teacher was reviewing her class’s homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, Well, I think I know, but I’m too embarrassed to tell you. The teacher said, Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated. Johnny said, That’s easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light. The teacher said, That’s right, Johnny. Then she turned to Susie and said, Susie, first of all, you didn’t do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you’re in for a big disappointment.
Johnny There was a father and his young son living together since the mother had died of cancer. The son was still getting over his mother’s death but was content with living with his dad. One day the son asked if he could sit on his dad’s lap while he was working. The dad said no but the boy said Mum let me do it all the time. So the dad relented and let the boy sit on his lap. The next day the dad took a shower and the boy came in and asked if he could shower as well. The dad said Fine. Halfway through the shower the boy pointed at his dad and said What’s that daddy? The dad said Um, that’s Johnny. He doesn’t like to be annoyed. Later in the night the boy has a bad dream and requests to sleep in bed with the dad. The dad, in a zombie like state, murmurs yeah, yeah whatever. The next day the dad wakes up to a pool of blood in the middle of his sheets and screams WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! The boy walks in and says, Johnny spat on me in the middle of the night, so I bit his head off.
A Teacher is teaching class. A teacher is teaching class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
Lil’ Johnny Goes to his Grandmother’s House Lil’ Johnny heads to his grandma’s house for a visit. He gets inside, but he can’t find her anywhere. He checks all over the house and finally he finds her sprawled out completely naked lying on her bed. So a little while later, Johnny’s dad shows up to pick him up. Johnny runs up to him excited and says, Daddy, daddy, nana has a shrimp between her legs! He dad chuckles, I don’t think that’s a shrimp, bud, he says. Johnny looks confused. He says Oh, well it sure tastes like one.
An essay on ‘Cow’ Little Johnny had his English exam the next day and he was hell bent on scoring good marks so he learnt his essay on ‘Describe a Cow’ by heart. *A cow has four legs… It eats grass… Etc etc.* The next day beaming with confidence he sat in the exam. As he looked at the question paper he cursed, Mother fucker , the essay asked was A picnic you went to’. He began writing the paper: *I went to a picnic with my family. I saw a cow. It has four legs…*
Little Johnny…. Once this couple on a long train trip for honeymoon. After sometime they noticed that nobody in their compartment so thought why don’t we have sex and began it. While they doing, wife realice that she is not protection so Honey, what if I got pregnant, I am not in protection No worries, that’s my boy then, we’ll call him Johnny After a while, train got off track and had a huge impact so the couple separated themselves in different directions Honey what happened? Husband: I don’t know, I am here, you are there, I think that’s Johnny on the wall [Sorry, if bad grammar, nonnative English speaker.]
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world… After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. Kenneth. And what is your question, Kenneth? I have three questions: First – whatever happened in Benghazi? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third -whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, Okay where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question? A different boy-little Johnny–puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. Johnny. And what is your question, Johnny? I have five questions: First – whatever happened in Benghazi? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth – where’s Kenneth?
Little Johnny sees his mum in the bath… He points between her legs and asks, What is that, mummy? His mum replies, Johnny, that is where the crazy man hit me with an ax. Johnny replies, Fucking good shot! He got you right in the cunt!
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. What’s that, Mummy? asks the child. Nothing, Johnny, nothing, says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.A week later Johnny’s dad takes him and the same happens. What’s that, Daddy? That, son, is the elephant’s penis. Mummy said it was nothing. Your mother’s spoiled, Son!
Johnny was a chemists son…. Johnny was a chemist’s son, But Johnny is no more, What Johnny thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.
Blackhawks What is that player’s name on the hawks that starts with Johnny. I think I know. Oduya?
Poor Little Johnny… Little Johnny is sitting on his porch crying. His neighbor, Mr. Smith, is concerned, comes over and asks Johnny, why are ya crying like that? Johnny says sobbingly, Oh Mr. Smith, I just came home from school and found my Dad dead on the floor and I don’t know what to do! Mr. Smith is shocked and says Oh no Johnny. How can I help? Let me go get the town priest for you? To which Johnny states God no… I can’t think about sex at a time like this!
What are you Johnny…? Where does the phrase What are you, Johnny two shoes? come from? It is said in an Italian accent. Every time someone does something stupid in my unit, we say What are you Johnny [action taken place]? I tried doing a search online using quotes, but I could only find What are you Johnny Two shoes? in a book called Making Harriet. One of the guys said it was from a youtube video. Ex. Johnson walks in and starts being a little bitch. Guy: What are you, Johnny fuck boy? Johnson yeah, yeah I am. Edit: Ex. and grammar mistake
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter… Johnny’s mother says, Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age. Curious about sex? replies Mary’s mother. He’s taken her fucking appendix out!
Three ladies on a park bench There are three birds on a wire, the female teacher says, and one gets shot down. how many are left? None, says Johnny. Why do you say that Johnny? Because the gunshot would scare the others away. Well. the correct answer is two, but I like the way you think, Johnny. I’ve got one for you teacher. There are three ladies sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. The first one licks her cone, the second one nibbles it and the third one sucks it. Which one do you think is married? The one who sucks it? No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
A teacher is teaching… a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
Johnny the sky is the limit. Thus, Johnny’s dreams of becoming an astronaut were ruined.
What was the funniest (and dirtiest) political joke Johnny Carson ever told? Charles Robb was in the military when he married Lyndon Johnson’s daughter Lucy Bird, and as a result of the marriage, he didn’t get sent to Vietnam. Johnny: Well, I guess it’s true what they say – a hand in the bird IS worth two years in the bush …
Saw the most hilarious Wall Street Craigslist Housing post. Posted: 3 hours ago $1500 Looking for the AUTHENTIC Wall Street Summer Experience (Financial District) Looking for an apartment within a 4.5 mile radius of Wall Street. My summer internship at an elite bank and starts in late May. Don’t worry about rent because you know I’m getting PAID. Must be close to Wall Street. Must be close to nightlife. I fucking tear shit up, and expect those living with me to do the same. I create systems of ALPHA-LIVING, a term I coined myself. Here is what that means: Preferred Lifestyle: Let me just dive right into it: I work harder than everyone else, and play even harder than I work. And when I say I work hard, I mean I fucking crunch numbers until my NOSE BLEEDS. The harder I work though, the more turned up I get. My endeavors include but are not limited to: lifting weights (home gym is non-negotiable), being woken up by natural sunlight ( this means I need the bedroom facing east), watching anything on Bravo (cable or I’m out), and an in-apartment sauna and/or steam shower (Sauna MUST have some type of audio capabilities). My Russian friend taught me that business gets done there over a good steam. Release the toxins and get ready to rock this city, that’s what we’re going to do. Speaking of toxins, I rage. I rage hard. Have you ever heard of something called the dragon fucking the goat ? Don’t even bother looking it up–I’ll show you. Those living with me have to expect two things and two things only: 1. If you bring over hot pussy, I’M GOING TO FUCK IT. I don’t care if it’s your girlfriend or your grandma. Bottom line: we live in a FREE COUNTRY and I use my dick when and how I want (non-negotiable) 2. I only do bottle service. If you’re throwing a party, I don’t even care if its a Tuesday night, there has to be bottles and models. Swedish Vaska is welcomed and non-negotiable. Preferred Roommates: Male preferred but open to females if they understand that things will likely get sexual EXTREMELY QUICKLY and that is entirely out of my control. Roommates must come from a top-tiered Ivy, and be able to pull 2-3 females on a given night (without prior warning) . If you can recite the Dow Jones 30 in order of market cap, we’re cool. If you know what LIBOR was today, we’re cool. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, I suggest you GET A LIFE because that level of knowledge is non-negotiable from my end. I fucking breed greatness and expect something a bit under that from those in my living vicinity ( non-negotiable). This may come as something of a surprise, but I also enjoy doing puzzles. I hope you’re into that too cuz I’ve got some great ones I can bring. Another thing, I DON’T FUCKING SHARE MY WSJ WITH PEOPLE. In college some douche stole it from my steps every morning and I better not see you anywhere near it. And don’t ask me for my subscription passwords. I won’t share them because I pay for that shit so I can be better than you, not so we can hold hands and skip through a fucking meadow while we read it together. You should know The Game already so don’t bother asking me. If you believe anything other than Capitalism, GTFO. Seriously. (Only exceptions is playing Drake’s Started from the Bottom. …but sparingly. If you didn’t laugh at that, GTFO) On that note, rap to chill and DUBSTEP FOR PARTYING. If you play anything else I’m going to smash whatever stereo or pussy IPOD DOCK you have ( I don’t give two fucks whether its got warranty or not.) Preferred recreational activities: It should be obvious by now that I work out and that I get huge while I do it. If you are upset by any noises I make while I throw weight up, then buy earplugs. By the way, If I need a spotter, I don’t give a fuck who’s sleeping…someone is GOING TO SPOT. The last rep is what separates the pussies from the alphas. I also read a lot, but never fiction (if it’s not real, then why would you ever read it? It’s just something that someone made up in their mind? Holy fuck that’s useless). If I see some hipster bullshit like Kurt Vonnegut sitting around I will literally shit in your PILLOW CASE. Don’t even tell me you fucking visited the Upper West Side. I go through 2 cases of Montecristo No 2. (straight from the fucking island–UPS requires a fucking signature, so if you’re home just do it. ) every week. If you smoke my Cubans, then you’ll either pay me cash ( with minimum 10% interest + risk premium which is non-negotiable) on the spot or we’re going to have a big problem. I don’t lift weights to look pretty, I do it to protect my fucking shit so expect that I will smash your face if you touch my stuff including CUBANs. My alcohol policy is simple: Johnny Walker Red Label. You bring that black label shit and you’re GTFO. As you can see, for the most part I’m a pretty laid back guy. I will be chill if you are chill but that means following my rules which I’ve laid out here and AREN’T COMPLICATED. If you got rules of your own feel free to send them to me, although that shit will probably go directly to my SPAM folder ( it’s not that I don’t have respect for your rules, but they’re not as good as mine because these are tried and true and my system works and is therefore non-negotiable). Those interests should include: LinkedIn profiles, a minimum of one story about your wildest fucking night in college ( USE REAL NAMES), and a picture of the hottest chick you’ve gotten with (NON-NEGOTIABLE and tits are a major PLUS). I will provide the same but only if I approve of yours so they had better be good and photoshopping WILL BE SNIFFED OUT (this is not some weird pervy thing but just to make sure you’re as serious about this as I am). By the end of the summer, everyone will fucking know who we are (non-negotiable). do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
RATS! Miss Lippy, a first grade teacher, decides on an introductory spelling exercise for her students; during which, she would ask them to provide her a word that begins a given letter of the alphabet. Beginning with the first letter of the alphabet, the teacher asked her class, What word starts with the letter A’? . Immediately, Johnny (who was well-known for his use of foul language) raised his hand, with a mischievous smirk. Of course, I know he’ll say asshole’, thought Miss Lippy. I’ll call on Jane. Jane, being the polite, intelligent student that she was, answered Apple! Well Done! Now, who can give me a word that begins with the letter B’? Miss Lippy asked. Without hesitation, Jonny raised his hand; and again, he was passed over. He’s sure to say bitch, thought his instructor. Glenn, what do you think? Miss Lippy questioned. Beetle! shouted Glenn. Very good! exclaimed his teacher. As the exercise continued with Miss Lippy’s supply of each successive letter, so too did the pattern of Jonny’s eagerness to answer. It wasn’t until the letter R that Miss Lippy even considered calling on the foul-mouthed first-grader. For each proceeding letter, Miss Lippy could imagine the curse word or vulgarity sure to be at the forefront of Johnny’s mind. So, against her better judgment, Miss Lippy cautiously called, Yes, Johnny? to which he replied, RATS! . Rats? Miss Lippy replied in hopeful relief. Yeah, Rats! yelled Johnny With big fucking dicks this big! , he screamed, extending his arms to their widest limit.
Johnny finally makes it to college… On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is. First she calls on Kyle who says I feel something big round and bumpy. It’s a globe! The professor says Good Kyle! I like the way you think. Next she calls on Suzie who says I feel something flat and coarse. It’s paper! The professor says Good Suzie! I like the way you think. Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it. The professor interrupts him shouting Johnny, That’s disgusting! He replies, No teacher it’s a quarter, but I like the way you think.
The Cushmaker On Johnny’s first day of school, Ms. Patrick assigned the kids to start learning their ABCs. Johnny calmly refused to participate. The teacher let it go for a bit, but then had to take him aside. You’re going to have to do the work like everyone else, Johnny. Nope. Well how are you going to learn to read and write? You need to learn these things to get a job someday. Don’t need it, He replied I’ll be a cushmaker when I grow up. Ms. Patrick didn’t want to admit to a 4 year old that she didn’t know what a cushmaker was, so she sent him to the principal’s office. He gave Johnny a good talking to, but Johnny was adamant. I don’t need to learn this, I’ll be a cushmaker when I grow up. Just like my daddy, and his daddy before him. The principal decided to let this go, being his first day and all and also not wanting to admit he didn’t know what a cushmaker was. Johnny was pushed along through elementary school and middle school the same way. Every so often, a teacher or administrator tried to reach him, but he was going to be a cushmaker when he grew up. When he reached high school, one of his teachers couldn’t believe he was so far behind. Johnny! What is wrong with you?! You’ll never amount to anything if you don’t have an education! Don’t need it, I’ll be a cushmaker. Just like my daddy and his daddy before him. I’ll be a 6th generation cushmaker. The teacher had enough and decided to get in touch with his friend who was a US Navy recruiter. Johnny went in to see the recruiter and he asked about Johnny’s goals. I’m going to be a cushmaker very soon. The Navy can give you the skills you need to be an excellent cushmaker one day. The recruiter said. He had no clue what a cushmaker was but he was behind on his quota and was ready to make a deal. Johnny liked this idea and enlisted. On Johnny’s first day, the chief ordered the new recruits to clean the bunks, Johnny refused. The chief wanted to make an example of Johnny and chewed him out good. You think you’re special son?! I’m here to get better at cushmaking, this won’t help my abilities! He got reported to the superior officers, but for awhile Johnny had enough charisma to slide by. He didn’t do much work, and everyone who confronted him got the same response. One day an Admiral was touring the ship and noticed one bunk untidy and started to question the Captain about it. The Captain explained about the struggles they were having with Johnny. The Admiral was shocked to find them not being able to keep one man in line and summoned Johnny. The Admiral chewed him out and Johnny remained steadfast in his resolve. I’m just wanting to be a cushmaker, they said the Navy will help me. I’m from a proud line of cushmakers and my children will be too. The Admiral didn’t know what a cushmaker was, but was intrigued by his spirit. Son, when will you be ready to be a cushmaker? I can start right now, sir. Well, if you’re going to cushmake, you’ll do it for the US Navy, and on the taxpayer’s dime. Now what do you need? First, I’ll need a ship with a deep hull, so I can have a full workshop. Can’t be on land? No sir, has to be on a boat. I’ll also need 3,000 sheets of 3/4 plywood, 200 gallons of rubber cement, and 500 buckets of spackle. Done, what else do you need? Well sir, I’ll need men under my command to move the lumber and mix the chemicals. I’ll assign you 200 men. Thank you sir, I’ll get to work right away. Johnny and his team get to work and news of this spreads through out the fleet. The news media starts to learn of it and even the president is intrigued. After a few days, Johnny sends out everyone from the ship and tells the Admiral he will be done in one week. The anticipation builds and everyone comes to the harbor for the big revealing. Johnny comes out all sweaty and exhausted, he tells the Admiral it’s ready. He needs a crane to lift it out of the hull. A crane is brought over and the hook is lowered into the hull. Out comes a perfect white cube. Johnny orders the cube to be lifted and released into the ocean. *cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
Johnny is going to his girlfriend’s house… He is going to meet her parents for dinner. But first he stops at the pharmacy to pick up some condoms in case of any special occurrences. He goes to the man at the counter and asks for a pack of condoms. The man gives him the box and says, First time, huh? Johnny says yes and describes all the unspeakable and dirty acts he and his girlfriend are going to get into. The man chuckles and rings up the condoms. That night at dinner, everything is quiet and not one word is spoken. The dad stares deep and angrily at Johnny. The girlfriend leans over to Johnny and whispers, My parents are never happy when I bring a boy over but I didn’t know they’d be this upset. Johnny whispers back, I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.
A strongly built and enraged man walks into a bar …. and yells out to a group of drunks: WHICH ONE OF YOU IS JOHNNY???! One of the drunks raises his hand and slurs: I’m Johnny. The man quickly proceeds to beat the living hell out of the drunk man. When he is done, he warns: That’ll teach you to never do that again. And the man walks out of the bar. The drunk man starts laughing uncontrollably when one of his drunk friends walks over to ask him: What’s so funny? You just got the shit kicked out of you! The drunk man on the floor says: That guy is so stupid. My name is not Johnny.
Mom to johnny asking exam Mother to Johnny: how was your exam, is all questions difficult? Johnny: No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble !
A teacher tells her students they won’t have to go to school on Monday… If they can correctly name the person who said a quote… Johnny really wants to guess right, so he sits up and gets ready… Teacher:I have a dream A Chinese exchange student sticks up her hand and says: Martin Luther King Jr. Teacher: Correct, see you on Tuesday. Chinese student: Oh I have to come to school; my parents would be furious. Teacher: Alright, next quote: I think; therefore I am. An Indian exchange student sticks up his hand and says: Ren Descartes. Teacher: Good, see you Tuesday. Indian student: I can’t, me parents would kill me. Johnny is furious, two questions wasted. In his anger he says loudly: Fucking immigrants! Teacher: Good! Who said that one? All: Donald Trump! Teacher: See you on Tuesday!
Curious about sex… A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, Let’s not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age. Curious about sex? replies Mary’s mother. He’s taken her appendix out!
Lil Johnny is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy’s hand shoots up. Not correct, Miss! he says. Please explain, Lil Johnny replies the teacher. Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbour’s Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! fffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ But before he could say, ‘Fuck Off!’, the dog ate him.
Little Johnny was sitting in class… Little Johnny was sitting in class, when his teacher asked him what he did that past weekend. Well , Johnny answered, I found a frog, shoved a firecracker up his ass, lit the thing, and ‘boom’! Johnny, the teacher responded, it’s Rectum Wrecked ’em? , said Johnny. Damn near killed ’em!
The Genie Johnny was a poor, but hard-working man. He only knew living from dime-to-dime. One day Johnny was trekking through the woods when he spotted a rusty old lamp. Johnny never believed in magic, but as a joke, he spat on and rubbed the lamp clean. All of the sudden, smoke pours out of the spout and a genie appears. Hello! You have summoned me and shall be granted three wishes! Johnny jumped for joy. He sat and pondered what his wishes would be. First, he wanted a new place to live. the old wooden shack he called a home was falling apart. I want a marble mansion with full furnishings. said Johnny. The genie waved his hand. It is done. There is now a mansion where that old shack once stood. Johnny though about all the parties he could throw, but he wasn’t the best looking guy in town. He stood up, I want a hot wife-wait, no. I want a haram of hot wives. The genie once gain waved his hand. When you go back to your new mansion, there will be numerous brides anticipating your arrival. Johnny though hard about his last wish. He had the house and many pretty girls. What could be the frosting on the cake? After a few minutes of thinking, Johnny stepped forward. Genie? If it isn’t too much to ask, could I be hung like a nigger? The Genie scowled but still decided to grant his final wish. When you go back to your home, you will find all your wishes have come true. I bid thee farewell! The Genie disappeared back into his lamp. Johnny was excited. He skipped almost all the way back home. It was everything he imagined when he got there. The mansion was huge and all of his new wives were greeting him at the front door. He threw the biggest party that night. Only one thing was missing: his penis size. Had the genie forgotten to grant the last wish after all? As the party was winding down, Johnny heard a screech of tires and several men yelling. Suddenly, six men in white robes burst through the mansions front door and seize Johnny. Confused and babbling, Johnny is pulled out of his mansion and hung from a tree in his front yard. The End.
Lil Johnny in Class The teacher begins the new week by deciding to go around the room and ask each student to cover her a word that starts with a designated letter. She asks for a volunteer for the letter A and Lil Johnny is the first to shoot his hand up. The teacher thinks, Johnny always has the most perverted answers, I’ll call on someone else . She calls on Suzie, who confidently says, Apple! Teacher continues to go through the alphabet and Johnny’s hand is the first one up every time, and each time she calls on another student. Finally the teacher gets to the letter R, and thinks, Surely he can’t thing of anything inappropriate for R . So she says, Okay Johnny, give a word for the letter R Johnny says, Rats….with ten inch fucking dicks!
LITTLE JOHNNY’S HALLOWEEN Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. Son, don’t you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick? My grandfather lived to be 105 years old! replied Johnny. Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting? the old lady retorted. No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin’ business.
At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson The next day, the teacher asks: ‘So, what’s your story Timmy?’ ‘This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart’s wheel broke and so did all the eggs.’ ‘And what’s the moral of this story?’ ‘That you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket.’ ‘Very good. And what about you, Megan?’ ‘This one time when we were taking milk to the neigbouring town the donkey stumbled and all the milk spilled.’ ‘And what’s the moral of the story?’ ‘That you shouldn’t put all your milk in one bottle.’ ‘Very good. And you, Johnny, what’s your story?’ ‘Well, my uncle was a soldier during the Vietnam War. One time, they shot his helicopter down. All he had was a gun, a knife and a bottle of whisky. While he was falling down, he drank all the whisky so it wouldn’t go to waste. Once he reached the ground, he saw 100 soldiers of the Viet Cong around him. He killed 50 with his gun, but he didn’t have any ammo left after that. Then, he killed 30 with his knife, but then the knife’s edge got blunt. So he killed the remaining 20 with his bare hands.’ ‘Oh dear God! And what’s the moral of this horrifying story?’ ‘What do y’think? Don’t fuck around with Uncle Bobby when’s he’s drunk!’
There’s a sexy new teacher at school In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand. ‘I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell… and bang you, too!’ Miss Campbell blushes and yells: ‘Out!’ Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says: ‘Not you… the others!’
Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day. His teacher demands, where were you yesterday? I’m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt, replies Johnny. Oh, I’m sorry, I hope it wasn’t serious, says the teacher. To which Johnny replies, Well, they don t fuck about at the crematorium.
The priest opens the door and find a choir boy jacking off LITTLE Johnny, he says, haven’t I told you that if you keep mansturbating you’ll go blind? Johnny replies why don’t you knock on the door before entering the restroom? The priest say this is not the restroom, is the confession booth!
A Sunday School teacher asks her kids, what is Jesus’ name? Johnny violently shakes his hand from the back. The teacher calls on him and he says Jesus’ name is Andy . The teacher, confused, asks What do you mean . Johnny replies Well we always sing about him at church, Andy talks with us, Andy walks with us
A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?! So Johnny immediately replied: Must be the legs! The nun is startled and asks: Why do you think that, Johnny? And Johnny replies: Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming Oh, god… I’m coming!!! . If dad hadn’t been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!
NSFW Mommy takes little johnny to the zoo.. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. What’s that, Mommy? asks the child. Nothing, Johnny, nothing, says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny’s dad takes him and the same happens. What’s that, Daddy? That, son, is the elephant’s penis. Mommy said it was nothing. Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
NSFW Jonny saw his parent doing it…….. Little Johnny walks past his parent’s bedroom one night when he sees them doing it. The next day, Mommy has a one on one talk with Johnny to explain what happened, Johnny, what you saw last night was Mommy on top of daddy. Daddy has a giant tummy so what Mummy was doing was jumping up and down to deflate it. Do you understand? . To which Johnny replied But that won’t work Mommy. Why not? Mommy asked. Because when you’re at work, the lady from next door comes over, gets down on her knees and blows it back up
Little Johnny Goes Hunting [LONG] Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, Whatcha got there son? Johnny said, Got me some chicken wire. Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son? asked the old man. Gonna catch me some chickens! , said Johnny. You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! said the oldster. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old mans front porch . . . with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldnt believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old mans porch. Whatcha got now son? Got me some duct tape. And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape? , the old man asked. Gonna catch me some ducks! You cant catch ducks with duct tape! said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking. About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch. Whatcha got now son? asked the old man. Johnny said, Got me some pussy willow. The old man stood up and said hold on there, let me get my hat
johnny’s mother asks him to buy bread Mom : Son, can you please buy bread ? Here is £2 Johnny: no problem mom. Johnny is on his way to the baker, when he sees a dispenser. In the middle of the dispenser there is a hole, with written next to it : Put your cock here, £2. Out of curiosity, johnny puts £2 in the dispenser, and sticks his tummy into the hole. He never felt such a sensation, he moaned so hard and cummed on the ground. Back home, his mom asked him : ‘Where is the bread ?!’ He lies and says : ‘I am sorry mommy, but I got robbed. His mom gives him £2 again and adds : …and be careful this time ! Johnny goes back to the baker, and on the way he sees the dispenser. He says to himself not to go to it, but he couldn’t take it anymore when he saw his sperm on the ground. He quickly put £2 in the dispenser and put his dong in the hole. He felt that same sensation, he did not know what the fuck was happening but it still felt good, and he cummed a second time on the ground. Back home he lies again and says : I GOT ROBBED A SECOND TIME!!!!!!!! His mom becomes angry and says : That’s already £4 wasted. Now I give you only one dollar. Its from our trip to america but That’s the only cash I currently have in my wallet, but I will go to the ATM today don’t worry Johnny goes back to the baker, angry against himself. He sees the dispenser again and the river of schdnonk next to it. He wonders if it still works with 1$, and he put his dollar (and his dick) in the dispenser. He feels nothing. Suddenly he sees Nigel Farage come from the top of the dispenser. Nigel Farage : ‘Do you really think I will suck your dick for one miserable dollar, you yankee !?’
Johnny has 50 candy bars… Johnny has 50 candy bars and he eats 45 of them what does he have? || V Diabetes
Three old men are sitting on a porch, bragging about their children. First one says Johnny just became a partner at the law firm he works at. Second one says Sally is the top doctor in her field. Third one says Tommy was killed in a drug bust gone wrong, Nancy is a prostitute and Bobby killed his wife. The other two looked shocked , and one said why are you bragging about the things they’ve done? The third one says Oh, I thought we were bragging about how much sex we had.
The Depressed Student Sally noticed that one of her students had been suffering from depression for the last few weeks. She decided to ask him some easy questions in an effort to engage him. Johnny, if I subtract 4 from 12 what do I get? Johnny looked at her and sighed, I don’t know. What difference does it make?
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
What’s the difference between love and lust? About two-hundred dollars. – Johnny Carson
Seriously Funny 6/10/’16 I learned that I’m up for a writing award for four of my comedic blogs. If I win I’ll give it to Hilary & Trump. That’s where the material originated. The Republican Convention will be held at the Quicken Loans Arena. Each delegate gets 1st month payment off on a wide screen! A study claims the U.S. is now the largest producer of oil. Unfortunately it’s almond oil, so unless Mr. Peanut invents a car we’re still screwed! On this day in 1804 Aron Burr dueled the Vice President, killed him & nothing happened. No word yet if he was a Minnesota or Louisiana policeman. Wyoming has no professional sports teams. So they’re a lot like Minnesota! Japan has a shrine to hemorrhoid sufferers. It’s apparently popular, it’s advertised as ‘standing room only’! As the world’s largest music fest (Summerfest) comes to an end, I want to thank Bibi Adell, & Johnny Washday. Good people & great entertainers! A leading scientist says human’s evolved from monkeys mating with pigs. Insert your own secret service, prostitute joke here. A New York store is selling wine soaked popcorn. You’ve heard of ‘Crunch ‘n Munch’. This is Crunch ‘n Drunk’! The Prez. claims his favorite food is broccoli. He also says he doesn’t like sleeping on the couch. Stats say more teens are smoking weed than cigarettes. So they’ve opted out of nicotine stains for chicken, Doritos, & pizza stains!
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