Do you know this new perfume called ‘A Christmas Miracle? Well, on christmas eve, put a finger in your ass, If it smells good it’s a christmas miracle ®
Corny Xmas Jokes Heard these on the radio this morning… 1. What do you call Santa Claus When he doesn’t move? 2. What did the guest sing at the snowman’s Christmas party? 3. WHY is a lion in the desert like Christmas? 4. Who’s working at the FBI on Christmas? 5. What do you call an old snowman? . . . . . Santa Pause, Freeze a jolly good fellow, Because of its sandy claws, Mince spies, Water,
Little Jimmy was finding it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve. He was tossing and turning as he tried contain his excitement. He thought he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but then he awoke as if time had passed instantly. Jimmy jumped out of bed. He heard his siblings doing the same, and raced to beat them to the living room where the Christmas tree was. He came to a grinding halt infront of his parents who were strategically sat infront of all of the presents, sipping their coffees and trying to stay awake. Merry Christmas mum and dad!! Shouted the kids as they ran in for hugs and kisses. Merry Christmas, kids! the parents replied, as they started handing out presents from santa. They all sat in a circle around the tree, and each opened one present together. Mum opened her present. It was a box of Ferrero Rochers and a beautiful candle set. Dad opened his present. It was a brand new tool set and a subscription to his favourite DIY magazine. Jimmys sisters opened their presents. They each received a set of the latest toy dolls and accessories. Finally, Jimmy opened up his present. He got a wind up walking talking robot he’d always wanted. Wow! Thanks Santa! He shouted with all his excitement. As Jimmy inspected his new toy, he couldn’t find a key in it’s back. Mum, dad, how do I wind this up? asked Jimmy, to which his parents replied, It’s easy, Jimmy. Just tell this joke. ..I’m so sorry. Merry Christmas 🙂
Do you know how we know that Santa Claus is married? Because he only comes once a year! Merry Christmas. P.S. I’m sure this joke has been told somewhere but just in case someone hasn’t heard it.
If your friend is into BDSM… Should you get them a gag gift for Christmas?
A world famous guitarist has just announced his next tour of low-key, intimate gigs. He will perform in a Santa suit. Secret Santana
NSFW Christmas Joke A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other in a local barber shop. The poor man asks the rich man, what did you get your wife for Christmas? The rich man replies I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes. The poor man asks is there a reason you got her both the necklace and the Mercedes? The rich man responds so if she doesn’t like the necklace she can drive herself to the jewelry store and take it back. The rich man then asks the poor man what he got his wife for Christmas. The poor man answers I got her some slippers and a dildo. Puzzled the rich man asks why did you get her slippers and a dildo? That’s an odd combination. The poor man replies I got her the slippers and if she doesn’t like it she can go fuck herself.
A little girl on a bike is approached by a police officer on a horse. That’s a lovely bike you’ve got there, says the police officer. Did Santa get it for you? Yes he did, replies the little girl. Well, says the police officer, next year, tell Santa to put a rear reflector on it, and he fines her £35. The girl looks at the police officer’s horse, and says to him, did Santa get you that horse? Yes, he did, replies the police officer. Next year, tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it
oh poor santa after waiting anxiously to set on santa’s lap finaly her turn had come santa ask’s what do u want for chrismass good girl the girl reply’s i want my parents to get back together he looks at her and laughs awkwardly then looks at her mother with a slight smirk and yells maybe if your mother believed in santa they would have been together .
Everyone wants a white Christmas… but all Christmases matter!!!
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Hos.
Some Christmas jokes A guy I helped at work told me these jokes. They’re terrible. I love them. What goes HO HO HO thud? Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO? A Pimp taking inventory.
What’s the difference between Santa and a Jew? Santa goes down the chimney
if your partner has her time of the month this or next week it will be the christmas period
How does Kris Kringle clean his hands? Santatizer
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, They’re bells. Saint Peter said, You may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize? The man replied, They’re Carol’s.
Santa’s rain meter Santa proudly showed Mrs. Claus his new rain meter. Mrs. Claus noticed he had labeled it with a name. Santa, why did you name the rain meter ‘Rudolph the Red’? Santa smiled and replied Because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? [not a spoiler] Darth Vader: Luke! ::mechanical breathing:: I know what you are getting for Christmas! Luke: No. No. That’s not true. That’s impossible! Darth Vader: Yes, Luke. I have felt your presents. Also Vader is Luke’s dad. I lied about the no spoilers.
Santa goes to… Santa goes to your house, goes down your chimney, and watches you while you’re asleep… And everyone adores him… I do it one time…
Mother: Sweetie, make a Christmas wish. Mother: Sweetie, make a Christmas wish. Girl: I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.
Sad Christmas Story Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later, so, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night’s chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night. Why didn’t you scream for help? I asked. The boy said, I did. And nobody came to help you? I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. How loud did you scream? I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, Help me! I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
What will Tesla build this christmas to help santa deliver presents? An elf driving car
Two elves walk into Santa’s office. Santa looks up and says, Gary, Larry, how can I help you? Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa. Santa , Gary says, Are there any elf nuns in the workshop? Santa checks a list and says, No, I’m sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop. Gary asks, Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in the compound? Santa checks a list then says, I’m sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the coumpound. Gary looks at Larry and asks, Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all? Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, I’m sorry Gary, but there aren’t any elf nuns in the North Pole. Larry finally busts out laughing and says, See? I knew you fucked a penguin! ‘Tis the season for giving, post your best holiday joke!
A touching moment with Santa… Little Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas. And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, T-O-Y-S. The little boy answers, No, I have enough toys. Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, C-A-N-D-Y. Again, Johnny says, No, I have all kinds of candy. Well, what would you like for Christmas? Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!
Since it’s so close to Christmas: Why did Kim Bauer hate Christmas? Because growing up, every Christmas she would run downstairs excited only to find no presents under the tree, just her father, Jack, smiling and saying, I give you my word.
A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve… A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. I think it’s raining, says the man. No, it’s snowing, replies the woman. How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the main. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing? Definitely raining, Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear. EDIT: Wow thank you everyone! My first post that got more THEN 1 UPVOTE! 😀
A Holiday Snack It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. What is that? he asked. She said, I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’ Perplexed, he asked, Why did you do that? Well, she replied, now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? With Santa it is only three hoes and he’s done.
Why was Mrs. Clause’s stocking full on December 21st? Because Santa came early this year.
Three types of Boobs and Penises! A family was at the dinner table.Son asked his Father. Dad,how many kinds of boobs are there?? Surprised father answered: Well,son,there are three kinds of Boobs In her 20’s,a women’s boobs are like Melons,round and firm. In her 30’s to 40’s,they are like Pears,still nice but hanging a bit. After 50,they are like Onions. Son: Onions?? Father: Yes,you see them and they make you cry. This made his Wife and Daughter Mad.so the Daughter asked her Mom. Daughter: How many kinds of Penis are there? The Mother smiled and said, Well dear,a man goes through 3 phases. In his 20’s,his penis is like an Oak Tree,Mighty and Hard. In his 30’s and 40’s,it is like a Birch,Flexible but Reliable. After 50’s,it is like a Christmas Tree. Daughter: Christmas Tree?? Mom: Yes,the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!
There was a dyslexic devil worshipor. He sold his soul to santa
Why we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree: Santa was having a rough Christmas Eve. His elves were on strike. Several reindeer ran away. Mrs. Claus was being bitchier than normal. And, he had to work all night. Without any help, he wrapped up the presents, put them in the sack, and loaded up the sleigh. As he was taking off, the sack got caught on the garage and ripped open. Presents spilled everywhere. While he was picking everything up, an angel showed up. This beautiful, cheery heavenly being, holding a huge perfect-looking Douglas Fir, walked up to Santa and joyfully said, Good tidings, Santa Claus! What a wonderful time of the year this is! I have brought a Christmas tree for your lovely wife. Where would you like me to stick it? And thus began a tradition.
Make a Christmas wish Mother: Sweetie, make a Christmas wish. Girl: I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.
A couple is walking… A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. I think it’s raining, says the man. No, it’s snowing, replies the woman. How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing? Definitely raining, Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Important Holiday news alert!!! We have just received word from a credible source who wishes to stay anonymous that Santa’s reindeer are threatening to strike! Apparently the teamsters have dog-sledded their way to the north pole and are unionizing Santa’s helpers! From what can be gleaned, despite conflicting reports coming from Santa Inc.(which is to be expected given the extensive and established control the state has over the arctic media), the reindeer are upset with a claus in their contract preventing arbitration and recourse in the event of unsatisfactory work conditions, which according to my source has been an ongoing problem for some years. Poor leadership and unsatisfactory work conditions have created an environment of mistrust and the resulting reluctance of Santa’s reindeer to complete their tasks this holiday season seriously threatens Christmas says Yuself Tinse, head reindeer keeper and sitting president of the newly formed UNPW(Union of North Pole Workers). Apparently Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer(Comrade Rudolph as he likes to style himself) has been not informing the other reindeer when he’s applying the brakes, turning all the others into brown-nosed reindeer. This sort of immature power play has no place at the headquarters of Christmas and the powers that be don’t seem to care , says Prancer, one of the reindeer to suffer most heavily from this brown stain on the Christmas spirit. There’s also been rumors of talks going on regarding a weight limit for each reindeer to shoulder, calling into question the issue of the unfettered milk and cookie consumption of one who we won’t name here(I certainly don’t want any coal in MY stocking). A request for comment to Santa Inc. from The Onion has been met with a coal response. Updates regarding this ongoing issue will be issued as they become available.
The real reason there’s an angel on the top of the Christmas tree. When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. The when He began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated Santa went back inside the house for apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard,he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink . In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundred of pieces over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found out that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it ? AND SO BEGAN THE TRADITION OF THE LITTLE ANGEL ON TOP OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
What do you get when you cross Groot with Santa? A Giving Christmas Tree
A man loses everything by gambling A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he’s about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you. The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he’s done he asks santa when he’ll get everything back and santa asks him, Son, how old are you? 55 replies the man. 55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist’s Guide
Why do people get divorced in the holiday season? Because they Marry Christmas!
What’s the difference between Santa and a pimp ? Santa has just 3 Ho’s…
CHRISMAS CRAKER What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia! Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’! Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf esteem! What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson! What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws! Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws! What do you call a dog who works for Santa? Santa Paws!
2 guys are standing in line at the checkout… buying their wives some stuff for Christmas. The first guy has a diamond ring. The other guy is carrying a pair of sandals and a dildo. The first guy tells the other one, Well, I bought my wife a new eco friendly car this Christmas, if she doesn’t like it, I’ll give her the diamond ring. The second guy looks back and responds, You know, I had the same idea, if she doesn’t like these sandals, she can go fuck herself.
Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas.
Oldie but a goodie Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Ever met the human version of a headache? Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
Christmas Joke… Three men died…. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carol’s’ And So The Christmas Season begins……and I sure hope the jokes get better. Edit: Thank you for the gold.. One day I may do the analysis on how many commented on the joke, the superfluous use of nationalities, or scoring the joke with rice… Gotta look that one up.
Christmas Trees and The Pope Q: What do Christmas trees and The Pope have in common?? A: Their balls are for decoration only
A son asks his father Son: Dad, what do I give my girlfriend as a Christmas gift? Dad : How does she look? Son: She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with, and even tall and also fair in complexion. Dad : Give her my number.
Santa probably regrets giving coal Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
