Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
The Moral of the Story The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Katy said, My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess And what’s the moral of the story? asked the teacher. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! Very good, said the teacher. Lucy, now you. Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral of this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched. That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share? Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands. Good heavens, said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Don’t fuck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.
Why are there 2 doors on a chicken coupe? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because that two-timing chicken head just couldn’t resist that outside cock. These chicks ain’t loyal. The road trusted her to be faithful but in the end she just couldn’t do it. That’s ok though, because the road knows that karma is real. It will ensure that that chicken never crosses THIS road again.
THE ANSWER A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, I guess we answered that question!
A LESSON IN MORALS One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Don’t f**k with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking. But Doctor, Bill replied, I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do? After a moment the doctor said, Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day. Excitedly Bill asked, And that will cure me? No, replied the doctor, but it will get you used to the dirt.
Why did Mozart kill his chicken? It kept saying BACH BACH BACH Why did Mozart kill his other chicken? To impress his Wolf-gang.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
Joe the drunk Joe gets home drunk and falls into bed next to his wife. As he falls asleep he feels himself rise up out of his body and floats up to heaven. Joe gets to the pearly gates confused and asks St. Peter, Am I dead? Yes Joe, but because of the way you lived your life, you will have to be reincarnated as a chicken! Before Joe can protest he disappears with a loud poof, and finds himself on a farmyard filled with hens. The hens welcome the new hen arrival, pecking and clucking all around him. Joe, filled with dismay at the situation, starts scratching in the dust when he gets a sudden sharp pain in the abdomen. What is happening to me! Joe screeches as he starts to squat down on short chicken legs. Oh, you’re just laying an egg, don’t worry, just squat and push the other hens assure him. Joe does as he is told and starts pushing. Without warning Joe feels a massive slap to his head followed by his wife’s voice, Wake up Joe! Wake up! You bastard you’re shitting in bed again!
What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love? You know, they’re right . . . we do taste like chicken!
What do you call making jokes of a chicken on fire? Roasting a chicken.
What’s the difference between a kinky guy and a pervert? The kinky guy uses the feather but the pervert uses the whole chicken As told to me by the old guy who sat next to me on the plane
Why do they call it a chicken coupe? If it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did the black guy cross the road? To kill the chicken and eat it!
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. Can I help you? she asks. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. The man replies, Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.
Why did the chicken cross the road? The person jogging had a Mc chicken in hand.
My chicken and egg problem Chicken or egg which is tastier?
Your only chance of getting laid… is to crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
What is the world’s fastest land animal? The Ethiopian chicken
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather, kinky is using the whole chicken.
Teacher- what does a chicken give you? Teacher- what does a chicken give you? Students- Meat! Teacher- Good! Now what does the pig give you? Students- Bacon! Teacher- Great! Now what does a fat cow give you? Students- Homework!
What if the Super Tuesday results were actual soups? Alabama • 53 delegates The Democrats here elevated a classic cream of mushroom, picking mostly Hen of the Woods while the overwhelming majority of Republicans here insisted on drinking the Kool-Aid, even though the beverage is technically not a soup in any way. Arkansas • 32 delegates The Republicans were presented with a fountain of hot spring water, in which a small ham was placed. They were very proud of their ingenuity. A consom of edamame was most popular among the Democrats, however a few faithfully subsisted on some muscadines they tried to grow in office. Alaska • 28 delegates Republicans flip flopped around in a Shark Fin Soup but we have to wait until March 26th to know how the Democrats prefer their Ceviche. Colorado • 66 delegates All of the soup in Colorado is excellent, no jokes here. The Democrats were going to make the best decision and they did. By the time July rolls around, the Republicans’ soup will old and smelly in the fridge and it will probably not be edible. Georgia • 102 delegates The Republican party had more ham but the FCC might be fining $1000 for failure to identify what animals they actually ate. The chickenhawk & dumplings was the Democratic favorite. Massachusetts • 91 delegates Democrats came up with a neat idea to use razor clams in a New England chowder but they settled on a she-crab soup instead. Republicans gobbled the guk. Minnesota • 77 delegates In a refreshing change for Republican diners, Ajiaco was the crowd favorite while Democrats feasted on Lutefisk. Oklahoma • 38 delegates While the state is still searching for its signature soup, Republicans went with a prociutto-wrapped jelly donut. The bacon end got burnt, and the belly came up on top. For the Democrats, it was a Coffee Party USA, they swept in on a wind Dean Dozen of the plain, cake donuts- the best of the donuts. Tennessee • 67 delegates A coalition was formed to procure a spread of country hams for the Republicans. Diners preferred the taste of animals that were willing to be slaughtered. Sanders supporters got tired of soup too so they started pouring bourbon to accompany neglected goo goos clusters while the majority of the Democrats imagined a future of lame duck soup noodles in a blue bowl. Texas • 222 delegates Lunch pail democrats we’re not pleased with their party’s decision to go with Mrs. Grass as the golden nugget has been discontinued. Republicans opted for their shelf staple, Campbell’s Chunky Barbecue Seasoned Pork. Vermont • 16 delegates The grassroots vegetable soup stole the show on the Democratic menu here. In a Frankenfood alternative, Republicans opted for the Government cheddar cheese dip. Virginia • 95 delegates Democrats decided to start smoking, they thought it was more enjoyable than than eating too much. The Republican party obviously decided to split up a Virginia ham, but there was a hair in it. There you go again.
Homework! Teacher: Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you? Student: Eggs! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
I went out last night to a costume party dressed as a chicken… I went out last night to a costume party dressed as a chicken and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another, and a life long question was answered……………. It was the chicken.
How many doors are on a chicken coop? Two. If there were four, it would be a chicken sedan
Sexy is being tickled with a feather… Kinky is being tickled with a chicken
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, I guess we answered that question!
If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression… If Yoda were to do a Chicken impression and say Cock-a-doodle-doo. Would he be asking someone to draw a penis?
A Chicken and an Egg are laying in bed together. The chicken takes an unsatisfied drag on her cigarette and says Well. I guess we answered that question.
Questions and Answers between Teacher and Student Teacher: Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you? Student: Eggs! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
On a plane the other day, this is what I said I was on an international flight headed back to the US the other day. During mid-flight, the flight attendant handed me a plate with some hot, steamy teriyaki chicken over rice. I was hungry and everything tasted so good, so I said, this chicken is THE BOMB . Next thing I know, I was being detained by the TSA and spent hours in the interrogation room.
Hitler and his chauffeur are driving down a street… …suddenly they hit a chicken! Hitler tells his chauffeur that he’s going to apologize to the owners. After he comes back he says to the chauffeur: They just kept shouting at me, I hate apologizing, next time you’ll do that! They continue driving until they suddenly hit a pig. Allright , the chauffeur sais and goes to apologize. After a while he comes back with a surprised face and the hands full of presents. WHAT DID YOU SAY? , Hitler asks. Just: Excuse me, I’m Hitlers driver and I killed the pig.
What came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken, eggs can’t cum
The old rooster and the young The old rooster was walking around on the farm. He saw that the farmer bought a new younger rooster. The old rooster knows this was bad news. On his old age this rooster was not able to impregnate the chickens on the farm, and now the younger rooster is taking over this job. This means soon the farmer would kill and eat him. So the old rooster walks to the younger to make a deal. Can you help me asked the old rooster. Yes i can told the young rooster . The old rooster start to explain his plan in the morning the farmer is always eating his bread in front of the house. As he is eating we run around the house. As we run you need to run slower as me, so the farmer thinks im still stronger as you and he is not gona kill me. The next morning the farmer was sitting in the front of his house eating his bread. He saw the roosters run, the old first and the younger close after him. After a minute the roosters runned by again, the old on front and the young close behind him. This happend a few more times. The farmer graped his gun and shot the young rooster. He take his body to the kitchen. Suprised his wife asks why did you shoot the young rooster, the old one was less active in impregnating chickens . The farmer looked to his wife and told her first i thought the same as you, but this morning i saw the old rooster run like a scared deer, behind him the young rooster almost as fast. It think this younger most be gay
Why did the trumpet player cross the road? To tell the chicken he could do it better.
What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eyes? Chicken ceaser salad.
How do Mexicans keep warm? They use chicken for heaters (I’m so sorry)
An old joke about President Calvin Coolidge The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown (separately) around an experimental government farm. When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, Dozens of times each day. Mrs. Coolidge said, Tell that to the President when he comes by. Upon being told, the President asked, Same hen every time? The reply was, Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time. President: Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge. [Source](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect)
Why did the chicken cross the road Because all of the other chickens were over there
Chickens are Illuminati As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What’s on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda’s names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati.
A chicken crosses the road… ..and meets 007 on the other side. What’s your name? Asks the chicken. Bond, James Bond, Says 007. And how about you? Ken, Says the chicken. Chic Ken.
What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do you call a rooster looking at a vegetable patch? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did the vulture cross the road? To eat the dead chicken on the other side.
An old man is sitting on his porch…. As a young boy strolls by holding a spool of chicken wire. ”What’re ye fixin to do with that chicken wire son?”, he asks. ”I’m gonna catch me some chickens sir!”, the boy proudly states. Half amused, the old man laughs.”Ye don’t use chicken wire to catch chickens boy!?!” But the youngin’ takes of anyway. A few hours later, sure enough, the boy has a bunch of chickens tangled up in the wire. The old man loses his shit. ”How in the hell did ye wrangle all dem chickens boy!?” The boy just smiled back and said,” I dunno”. The next day the old man on his stoop again sees his young neighbour, moseying by with a roll of duck tape. To which he yells,”Ye don’t think yer gonna catch some ducks now do ye?” The boy just smiles and keeps on heading down the road. Sure enough, a few hours later, the boy has five or six ducks strangled together in a mess of tape. ”Jesus Christ!!, how did ye get all dem ducks strewn up like dat son?!?” And the boy replies again,”Idunno” And the next day, right on time, the boy passed the old man on his porch again. This time with a bouquet of pussy willows. And the old man jumped right out of his chair,”Lemme get my coat!”
Hell or heaven? So John just died. He went up to the gate of heaven but St. Pierre was there looking anxious. He told John in a very regretful voice that due to unexpected deaths, there would be no room for him in heaven until two weeks. He asked John if he wouldnt mind to go to hell for two weeks. John asked if he had a choice and St. Pierre said no. So he went.to hell. When he arrive, he got welcomed by crazy sexy womens, with tons of alcohol and loud music. This was a crazy party all the time. John thought to himself that, if this was hell , he would be happy to stay here forever. Unfortunetly, 2 weeks passed quickly and St. Pierre came back and told him heaven was ready. John thought that if hell was as good like that, heaven should be awesome! So he went to heaven. But something was wrong. There was no girl. There was clouds with pretty angels on them playing smooth music, and oh god, instead of alcohol, it was purified water. Instead of chicken and fries, it was big ass fruits!! It was too much and after two weeks , John saw God passing by. He said : Hey God! God! Can i ask you something? After God nodded, John explained his situation and if he could go back to hell. God said yes but if he would return to hell, it would be forever. John accepted. But when John entered hell, instead of womens who welcomed him , it was devils with pikes and chains. They tortured him and it was very bad. After 2 weeks, John saw Lucifer passing by. He said : Hey Lucifer! Luci! After the Devil nodded, John explained his situation and how it was better on his 1st trip. Lucifer stopped him right there and said : Wait wait wait John. You must not confond tourist and immigration!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad
What do you call a hen looking at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.
My mom once told me…. ….the only way I’ll ever get laid is if I crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
Guess What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves? Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now?
