The pilot. ‘Knock Knock.’ ‘Who’s there?’
The pilot. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Knock Knock KNOCK KNOCK. Who is there?
The pilots didn’t survive, and so far local police have recovered 956 bodies. Breaking news: A helicopter has crash landed into a cemetery in Ireland
The plane begins going down due to too much weight. They quickly agree that they need to drop some weight. The Arab walks to the door and says we have too many of these in my country and throws off AK-47s The Mexican says we have too many of these in my country and throws off some burritos Donald Trump says we have too many of these in my country and pushes the Mexican and the Arab out of the plane This is probably a repost, but: Donald Trump, a Mexican, and a Arab man are on a plane
The plane begins to plummet towards the ground. George Clooney turns to Michael Jackson and says hurry! we need to get off this plane! Michael Jackson replies, but..what about the kids?! George Clooney says FUCK THE KIDS! In response, Michael smiles and asks, Do we have time? Michael Jackson and George Clooney are on a plane
The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , grabs the Englishman and throws him out. An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane…
The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash. the pilot comes out and says The plane is going down. Everyone for himself! grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out. The American says. We’re number 1 so i get to live hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out. The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says Im sorry things have to end this way… who gets the last parachute? The boyscout replies oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.
The plane is about to crash unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country. The french man throws a baguette out of the window. The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window. The german throws the turkish man out of the window. A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane
The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes. The first passenger, President Obama said I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people and the strongest military in the world. The others agree and the president grabs a bag and jumps out. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States, and I am the smartest woman in the world. I will be everything Obama was not and in that manner set a new path for all women in this world. I demand that I take one of the parachutes. The boy scout hands her a bag and she jumps out. The third passenger, the Pope, says to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old boy scout I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute. The boy scout said It’s okay! No, my dear boy. I must insist. I made my peace with God many, many years ago, explains the Pope. Dying will be like going home for me. No, really it’s okay, says the boy. My son, how can you be so fearless in the face of death? You are but a young boy, asks the Pope. The boy scout holds up two bags. There’s two parachutes left. I gave that annoying bitch my backpack. Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane…
The plane is at cruising altitude and ready for the sky divers to enjoy their decent to back to the ground. The Pole jumps, pulls his parachute, and begins to sail slowly back down to Earth. The Mexican now jumps and pulls his cord. He also begins to enjoy his dive and appreciate the view. Finally it’s the Black Guy’s turn. He jumps from the plane, pulls his cord, and the parachute doesn’t deploy. As he plummets back down to Earth he whizzes past the Mexican, and shortly after flies past the Pole. The Pole says: Oh! You wanna race, Huh?! And continues to cut his parachute. A Pole, a Mexican and a Black Guy go sky diving…
The plane is falling due to it being over-weight. The muslim falls into action and begins to throw his bombs out of the window. They all ask him why he did that and he replies, I already have a lot of those in my country. The mexican begins to throw out his bottles of tequila. They ask him why and he responds with, I already have alot of those in my country. The black guy then begins to throw out his fried chicken and watermelons. They ask him why he did that and he replies with, I already have a lot of those in my country. The muslim, black guy, and mexican then look at the white american waiting to see what he would sacrifice to save the falling plane. He quickly shoves the black guy and the mexican off the plane. The now shocked muslim asks him Why did you do that?! The white american calmly replies I already have a lot of those in my country. A muslim, a black guy, a mexican, and a white american are all in a plane that is falling and about to crash.
The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen. The pilot comes on over the PA and says Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight. After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says We’ve decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and head back to the gate. The pilot stands next to the door apologizing to the master craftsmen as they disembark. One craftsman says to the pilot I have to ask, why did you decide to bump us? We didn’t commit any crimes, they are the ones who should have to wait longer! The pilot looks at the craftsman and says We talked it over and found that the Pros outweighed the Cons. So there’s a plane that’s half criminals and half master tradesmen…
The plane is too heavy and the Captain orders each of them to drop one thing. The Mexican drops a lawn mower saying Theres too many of these in my country The black guy drops his jays saying I have too many of these in my closet The white guy pauses and thinks, he pushes the black guy and Mexican saying Theres too many of these people in my country A black guy, Mexican and white guy are on a plane
The plane starts falling because it has too much weight, so the three men decide to throw out the things they need least to reduce weight. The Indian man throws out a bowl of curry. I have too much of this in my country. he says. The Chinese man throws out a bowl of noodles. I have too much of this in my country. he says. The American man pushes the Indian and Chinese man out the plane. I have too many of these in my country. he says. So an Indian, a Chinese, and an American are in a plane
The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes. We’ll take them and jump, says the minister. But the children, cries the rabbi, we have to save the children! The minister snaps, fuck the children! The priest glances back at the terrified kids, thinks a moment, and asks, Do we have time? A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on an airplane with an interfaith youth group
The plane starts to take a nose dive and the pilot comes on the loud speaker, In order to avoid crashing you all need to throw something out that you have too much of. The Black man goes first and he throws out a bucket of fried chicken. Then the Japanese man steps up and throws out some sushi. Then, The mexican man throws out a few burritos. Then, finally, the American steps up and throws out the mexican. A black guy, a japanese guy, a mexican, and an american are on a plane.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement. Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A’s. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane. The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. We are not African Americans. Shortly after another announcement is made. Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B’s. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane. The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. No son we are not black. Shortly after another announcement is made. Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C’s. Will all colored people please jump out the plane. Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. No son were not colored. But dad, if we’re not African American, black, or colored, what are we? Son, today we’re niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans! A black kid and his father are on an airplane
The plane that was carrying an important U.N. mission was losing altitude, so the pilot said that three of them must jump out and without a parachute since they have dumped everything else. The British man decided to go first. He yelled Long live Great Britain! And then jumped off. The German man, however unwillingly, decided to sacrifice himself for the team. He yelled Long live Germany! And then jumped off. Immediately , the Chinese man said I got this . yelled out Long live China And kicked the Japanese man off the plane. Translated from another language. Hope u haven’t heard it before and hope u laughed. A British , a German, a Japanese and a Chinese man were in an airplane.
The plane was about to crash and the pilot said, everyone needs to throw something off the plane to make it lighter. The American grabs a flag saying we have plenty of these in our country and throws it off, the Asian grabs some chopsticks and says we have plenty of these in our country and throws them off the plane. The Australian looks around and can’t bear to part with anything, then he has an idea. The Australian picks up the Asian saying we have plenty of these in our country and throws him off the plane. [Long] An American, Asian and Australian were on a plane…
The plane was about to crash so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely. The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said some madman chucked a knife from a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet . He remains silent. The man with the gun decided to shed the bullets instead of the precious gun so he shot all his bullets. When he returns home he too sees his mother and crying and when he asks why she replys some madman shot out of a plane and killed your father when he went to the toilet he too remains silent. The man that chucked the bomb out of the plane returns home and sees his mother laughing uncontrollably. When he asks why she said your dad whent to the toilet, farted and blew up the house 3 men in a plane, one with a knife, one with a gun and one with a bomb.
The plane was about to crash so the pilot says we need to shed weight fast, you all need to chuck your luggage out. They comply. The plane stabilises and they land safely. The guy that chucked the knife out the plane returns home and sees his mother sobbing. When he asks why she said some madman chucked a knife from a plane and it landed on your father and killed him as he whent to the toilet, I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye . He remains silent. The man with the gun decided to shed the bullets instead of the precious gun so he shot all his bullets. When he returns home he too sees his mother and crying and when he asks why she replys some madman shot out of a plane and the bullets hit your father when he was on the bog he too remains silent. The man that chucked the bomb out of the plane returns home and sees his mother laughing uncontrollably. When he asks why she said your dad whent to the toilet, farted and blew up the house 3 terrorists on a plane one with a knife, another with a gun and the last with a bomb.
The plane, overcharged, is crashing, so the pilot says: we should throw things to reduce the weight. The swiss president throws his watch and says: there’s a plenty of them in my country The mexican president throws some chilies and says: there’s a plenty of them in my country Trump throws the mexican president and says: there’s a plenty of them in my country Trump, the swiss and mexican presidents are on a plane
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ”You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?” The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ”I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.” But the Pope persists, ”Please?” The driver finally lets up. ”Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.” So, the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the driver to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ”Chief, I have a problem.” Chief: ”What sort of problem?” Cop: ”Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.” Chief: ”Important like the mayor?” Cop: ”No, no, much more important than that.” Chief: ”Important like the governor?” Cop: ”Wayyyyyy more important than that.” Chief: ”Like the President?” Cop: ”More.” Chief: ”Who’s more important than the President?!” Cop: ”I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope DRIVING for him!” The Pope goes for a drive
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ”You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?” The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ”I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.” But the pope persists, ”Please?” The driver finally lets up. ”Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the pope.” So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ”Chief, I have a problem.” Chief: ”What sort of problem?” Cop: ”Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.” Chief: ”Important like the mayor?” Cop: ”No, no, much more important than that.” Chief: ”Important like the governor?” Cop: ”Wayyyyyy more important than that.” Chief: ”Like the president?” Cop: ”More.” Chief: ”Who’s more important than the president?” Cop: ”I don’t know, but he’s got the pope DRIVING for him!” The Pope goes to New York
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ”You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?” The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ”I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.” But the pope persists, ”Please?” The driver finally lets up. ”Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the pope.” So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief. Cop: ”Chief, I have a problem.” Chief: ”What sort of problem?” Cop: ”Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.” Chief: ”Important like the mayor?” Cop: ”No, no, much more important than that.” Chief: ”Important like the governor?” Cop: ”Wayyyyyy more important than that.” Chief: ”Like the president?” Cop: ”More.” Chief: ”Who’s more important than the president?” Cop: ”I don’t know, but he’s got the pope DRIVING for him!” Volkswagen.
The pope is visiting the US, at the airport a huge black limo is waiting and the driver opens the door for him. The pope can’t take an eye from the car and asks if – for this special occasion and only for a few miles – he could be the driver. Surprised by this unusual request the driver, after some discussion about driving carefully, finally agrees. So the pope enjoys driving down the highway and soon he forgets about speed limits and he is driving as fast as he can. A nearby police car notices the speeding limo and finally the pope gets pulled over. The officer, after taking a quick look at the driver, rushes to call his boss. Sir, I have a difficult situation here, I have a speeding limo but I think we might have caught someone high up and don’t know what to do. So, who is it? The governor? No Sir, higher up Someone from the white house? I think much higher, Sir! Who can possibly be higher up than the president? I don’t know Sir, but, you see, the pope is his driver! His Limo Driver
The Pope leaves Vatican City for an official trip to America. After his flight lands, he is ushered off the plane by the pilot, who says to him Welcome to America, Elvis. I bet you’re glad to be home . To which the Pope replies, Oh, my son, I am not Elvis. I am the Pope. I am the Holy One. The pilot, visibly embarrassed, immediately apologized. The Pope was then met by his limo driver at arrivals. The driver opened the door and said, Good day. I am Charles, and I will be your driver for today, Elvis . The Pope looked at Charles and politely said, Charles, my son, I am not Elvis. I am The Pope. The Bishop of Rome . Charles immediately apologized, and drove the Pontiff to his hotel. Once at the hotel, the Pope went to the front desk to check in. The hotel manager met him with enthusiasm and awe. Welcome to the Plaza Hotel, Elvis. We truly hope you enjoy your stay. If there is anythi… to which the Pope interrupted, My son, this is such a lovely hotel, and I am forever grateful for your hospitality. But, I must let you know, I am not Elvis. I am the Pope. I am the Holy One. Oh, my. Papa, I am truly sorry. Please, let Theodore her take your belongings to your room . On their way up to the Presidential Suite, Theodore could hardly contain his excitement. Being so close to such an important world figure, was truly overwhelming. But he kept his composure and professionalism, and remained quiet. When they arrived at the room, Theodore spoke sheepishly, This here is your room Elvis. The 5 buxom strippers you have requested are waiting inside, along with the bottles of champagne and some of Colombia’s finest . To which His Holiness replied, Thank you. Thank you very much! The Pope Goes to America
The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decided why not? And so, the Pope and the driver switch spots and pull out of the airport. On the freeway, the Pope gets a bit too excited and starts to push more on the accelerator. Suddenly the a siren rings out. The Pope pulls over and pulls out his passport. The cop walks up and the Pope rolls down the window. What seems to be the problem officer? The officer immediately recognizes His Holiness and runs back to squad car. He quickly radios into headquarters. Boss, I just pulled over a huge celebrity! What should I do? His captain radios back, Well….who is it? Sir, I have no idea. But it has to be some one big….he’s got the Pope driving for him! The Unknown Celebrity
The Pope was leaving for a trip to another country and a limo arrived by his residence to take him to the airport. Always wanting to, but never having a chance to drive a limousine, the Pope asked the driver if he’d let him drive this time. The driver was taken aback at first, but agreed. The Pope was ecstatic. On the way to the airport, it’s become obvious that the Pope was out of practice when it came to his driving. He was driving erratically and the limo ended up being pulled over by a cop. When the cop reached the driver’s door, he had did a double take before excusing himself and returning to his car. He didn’t know what to do, so he called his chief for advice. Cop: Hey chief, I just pulled over a limo Chief: Great, then write them a ticket. Why are you wasting my time? Cop: I think there’s someone important in it though Chief: Even better, give them a big ticket Cop: But I think it’s someone really important, I don’t think I can give them a ticket Chief: Why not? Is it the president? Cop: No, I think it’s God, because he’s got the Pope for a chauffeur The Pope was leaving for a trip to another country…
The president of United State, Bin Laden and President of Malaysia are all on a plane getting back from a meeting overseas. All of a sudden, the plane malfunctions and it crashes onto an island, miraculously, only the 3 of them survived and the whole crew died. Soon, the 3 of them were caught by the island’s head hunter tribes, where they are sent to meet the king. The king said I’m in a good mood today, i’ll let you all live, if you all were to find 10 of the same fruits and bring it back here. So 3 of them went off, to search for fruits, first to come back is the president of US, he brought 10 apples and he presented it to the king. The king then replied Now, we will stuff these 10 apples up your anus, if you were to make the slightest sound, we will chop off your head. So the tribe people proceed to stuff the apples up his anus, the first apple, no sound, second apple, he were clenching his fist, third apple and he gave out a small ouch , and his head were chopped. President of Malaysia was watching the whole process while hiding in a bush, and he saw the whole idea of what the king wanted, so he went to search for 10 small grapes. The king told him the same thing, and he was also prepared for it, so the tribe people started stuffing the grapes up his anus, and yet he made no sound up until the 9th grape, he burst into laughter. Confused, the king asked him before chopping his head off Why won’t you wait until we’re done with the 10th grape? In which he replied, I saw Bin Laden coming back with 10 durians! pic of a durian > http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UIKcvj5dIVE/UIagsG40n6I/AAAAAAAACNo/Jj-NvlbkiBo/s320/durian.JPG Local joke that i absolutely love [ Malaysia ]
The President takes the first parachute and says, I’m the President of the United States, America won’t be able to function without me! And jumps out of the plane. Next, the world’s smartest black man takes the second parachutes and says, I’m the world’s smartest black man, the world needs me! And jumps out of the plane. Finally, the priest says to the 8 year old girl, You’re a little girl so I guess you can take the last parachute. The 8 year old girl responds with, Don’t worry, the world’s smartest black man took my backpack. The President of the United States, a priest, the world’s smartest black man, and an 8 year old girl are on a crashing plane with 3 parachutes…
The president the first lady and Oprah are all riding in a plane. They were discussing who could make the most people happy. Michelle Obama said I can toss down a dollar and make a person happy. Oprah scoffed and said, I can throw down ten dollars and make ten people happy. Barack Obama laughs and says I can throw down 100 dollars and make 100 people happy. The pilot turns around and says, I can throw 3 black people out the window and make everybody happy. Airplanes and Black people
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, What is a tradgedy? That’s a very good question. The president said. Can anybody answer it. Another little girl raised her hand. If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy. No, replied the president, that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is? A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy. No, replied the president, that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess. An older boy raised his hand. Mr. President, he said, if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy. Yes, said the president. Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy? Because, said the boy, it wouldn’t be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be an accident. The president is visiting a school
The Prime Minister was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked The Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, ‘If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Incorrect,’ said The Prime Minister, ‘That would merely be an accident.’ A little girl stood up and said ‘If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not’, said The Prime Minister, ‘That’s what we would call a great loss’. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. The Prime Minister searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, ‘If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed The Prime Minister, ‘And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well,’ said little Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either. The Prime Minister visits a school
The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter. The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died. The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She’d taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.
The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane (Courtesy of Colin Mochrie) Red-nosed Rudolph was hit by a 747 and a flock of seagulls on Christmas Eve during a gift delivery over Barcelona
The reverend visits Africa and was preaching in a small church thankful prayers outweighs begging prayers On the way back to the airport for the flight home, his rental jeep broke down halfway in the middle of a jungle. He starts to walk back to the church which was 3 miles away to get assistant and he spotted a Lion. The lion noticed the reverend. Reverend prayed Dear Jesus! I begged you for your protection Lion prayed Thank you Jesus for the food blessed be your name Reverend was graced for the Lion. Reverend, Lion and Jesus
The Russo Brothers: We made what some people consider the best Marvel movies! The Duffer Brothers: We made a highly acclaimed Netflix series! The Wright Brothers: We made flight! Me and my brother: Hey, if you suck someone’s nose, are you blowing their nose? No, that’s a nosejob. All these brothers are out there doing amazing things, and then there’s just me and my brother…
The same person who has to pay for 2 seats on an airplane will get ticketed for driving in the HOV lane by themselves. You can count as two people in the sky but only one in the fast lane. What a large injustice. A double standard.
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer Captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, Know what this is for? No, sir, replies the newbie. I use it on navigators that get us lost, explains the captain, winking at his Co-Pilot. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. What’s THAT for? queries the surprised captain. Well, sir, replies the navigator, I’ll know we’re lost before you will. The Smart Navigator
The smartest person on earth The most athletic person on earth The wisest person on earth The pilot and a mailman The pilot said I drove this plane so I should get one then he jumps of with the parachute The most athletic person on earth said I’m the most athletic person on earth and people need athletic people so I should get a parachute so he gets one and jumps out The smartest person on earth said I’m the smartest person on earth and people need smart people so I should get a parachute then he jumps out. 2 people left the wisest person on earth and a mailman. The wise person said I lived a good life you may take the parachute But the mailman replied with no it’s okay we can both go because the smartest person on earth just jumped off a plane with my backpack 5 People on a crashing plane and only 4 parachutes
The stewardess on my flight asked me what snack I would like. I told her The plain chips would be fine. She says They are all plane chips, sir. This one got my coworkers
The Stewardess said, No way . The man protested, I have cancer, and this will be my last flight and I’d really like to join the mile high club before I die. The Stewardess replied, I don’t give a flying fuck. A man on an airplane asked the stewardess to have sex with him on the plane.
THE SURVIVING PILOT OF THE VIRGIN GALACTIC PLANE SAID THAT THE CO PILOTS LAST WORDS WERE,’WHATS THIS BUTTON FOR? VIRGIN GALACTIC
The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: What do you want to be when you grow up? Little Johnny says: I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in London, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, a Visa Card with no limit, and all the time banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. And how about you, Sarah? I wanna be Johnny’s hooker. Little Johnny
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Katy said, My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess And what’s the moral of the story? asked the teacher. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! Very good, said the teacher. Lucy, now you. Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral of this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched. That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share? Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands. Good heavens, said the horrified teacher. What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Don’t fuck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking. The Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. Janie, do you have a story to share? ‘Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ”Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? Don’t fuck with Mommy when she’s been drinking. And the moral of the story is . . .
The towers had some airplanes hit them before they collapsed. What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Twin Towers?
The TSA. This concludes the joke about airport security. A joke about airport security
The Vietnam war. A russian general is selling a vietnamese general some warplanes. See here, – says the russian general: Push this blue button if you are losing a battle. Push this green button if you are really losing a battle. Push this red button only when you are really REALLY losing a battle. Okay, – says the vietnamese general: We will take em. . A few days later a vietnamese pilot is flying on one of the new planes. Suddenly two american planes come out of the clouds. The vietnamese pilot pushes the blue button and the plane gains speed. Then two more american planes come out of the clouds. The vietnamese pilot pushes the green button and the plane starts gaining attitude really fast. The vietnamese pilot sees that there are now ten american planes after him and pushes the red button. In the back of the cabin opens a small door and from it comes a big guy wearing a bearskin and a balalaika on his shoulder. He says to the pilot: Muv aside, comerade, let ze russians do ur vork. In the ‘Nam. (Rus. Trans.)
The voice commands: SELL YOUR BUSINESS! The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. SELL YOUR BUSINESS! The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again. NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON LOTTERY TICKETS! The man is again, hesitant, but decides to listen to the voice. 2 days later, he discovers hundreds of his cards have won, and he has won around 50 million. A few days later, when the man has finally gotten his finances sorted, the voice speaks up again. NOW, TAKE A PLANE TO LAS VEGAS. At this point, the voice has served him well, so he takes the instructions and goes to Las Vegas. While there, he decides to gamble some of his money, but right before he buys his chips, the voice again pipes up: SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON CHIPS. He take the advice and buys the chips. He decides to play a round of blackjack, and sits down at the table. The voice them commands BET ALL YOUR CHIPS. He dutifully does so, and the hand gets underway. Soon, the man has a hand totaling 20. He’s about to stand, when the voice interjects; DRAW ANOTHER CARD. At this point, the man is very nervous, as drawing anything but an ace will lose him his fortune. But the voice is insistent. The man skakingly signals for another card. He slowly, deliberately turns the card that will decide his future over. It’s an ace, and the voice above screams, HOLY SHIT! A man hears a voice from above…
The vomit bag on my flight was empty. I feel cheated…
The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he’s not allowed on a plane unless he’s accompanied by an adult. United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai. In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell — and shot him again. Topical Jokes for 1/12
The White House was briefly evacuated Saturday when smoke was coming out of a utility closet instead of up politicians’ asses. A woman was kicked from an American Airlines flight for singing Whitney Houston songs non-stop. She blamed her Diabetes Type TwoooOOOooOooo. Nine PA students were almost banned from prom for not getting chicken pox vaccines. Fortunately, those red itchy bumps weren’t chicken pox. Moms are hiring disabled guides to cut lines at Disneyworld, so if you’re disabled, you just found the best job in this small, small world. An FDNY officer helped an NYPD officer who was stuck in a tree attempting to rescue a cat, who in turn was chasing a spider/fly/old lady. Embryonic stem cells have been cloned from skin cells, in a scientific process called Spitting in God’s Face. The Christian group who has repeatedly failed to predict the Rapture is nearing bankruptcy. Oh well, at least it’s not the end of the world. See more on twitter @fridayupdate Topical Jokes!
the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: In Sweden, a prostitute makes $2000 per night. All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t take off until the day after tomorrow. A professor told dirty jokes in class
The Year is 1973… and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other’s destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other’s allies… Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others path, and they decide to stop and stay for a while before the world ends. so they stay and drink and joke and have a jolly good time. By the end of the day the American missile is drunk and says, You know… we should go now. To which the Soviet missile replies, You’re right, let me walk you home. Here’s a Russian Joke I liked… that doesn’t have any swears
The Year is 1973… and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other’s destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other’s allies… Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others path, and they decide to stop and stay for a while before the world ends. so they stay and drink and joke and have a jolly good time. By the end of the day the American missile is drunk and says, You know… we should go now. To which the Soviet missile replies, You’re right, let me walk you home. The Year is 1973… and the big one hits, Nuclear War.
The year is 2652, on a faraway planet meant for prisoners of a far ranging galactic war. Ever since Fue Lancaster was a boy he dreamed of escape. There were individual encampments dotting the planet, all of which were surrounded by 100 foot high concrete walls. If you looked hard enough, you could see that there were cracks all over the walls, from previous failed attempts at escape. The hope to escape had long fled the hearts of those surrounding Fue, but he was special, he was a survivor. Fue was a brilliant boy, and studied mechanical engineering his whole life, so that one day he could taste the sweetness of victory. Fue was able to feed his insatiable desire to escape by working in the scrapyard near his small hut in the encampment. He spent years on a secret project that he knew would one day lead him to freedom. After 10 years of hard work, Fue lancaster finished his project, a remarkable, and heavily armed jet fighter. He proudly looked upon his creation and decided he should name it after himself. It wasn’t long after that fue took flight, and headed towards the wall. With the press of a small red button, the roaring of the flight engines on the missiles could be heard for miles. With the loudest boom fue had ever heard, he saw the wall crumble. He felt a new sensation in his face and realized that he was smiling for the first time. That smile soon faded when fue realized that the center of the wall was made of solid steel! With a mighty yawp, fue blasted roaring flames at the treacherous metal keeping him from his one desire of freedom. His yell did not stop until there was no more fire left. His heart raced as he waited for the smoke to clear. All of a sudden, his heart broke into a million pieces, and it was in that moment, that he realized, that Jet Fue L can’t melt steel beams The Plight of Fue Lancaster
Their on a crashing plane The pilot says im going down with the plane yall decide who gets them After a bit of debate the smartest man in the world gets one and jumps out. The two preachers say the other person should and they have served their purposes in this world,after a while,the pilot says you two are good to go he just jumped out with my backpack Theirs 2 parachutes one pilot,the smartest man im the world,a Catholic preacher,and a Christen preecher
Then the planes hit. A Mexican, a Chinese man, and a White man are on a building. They have to throw over whatever they have too much of in their country. The Mexican throws over beans, the Chinese man throws over rice, and
There amazed how there are only 7 planets left after i destroyed URANUS. Heard about the news the acientist allover the world have been talking about?
There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, I’ll get off. The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved. Blonde Joke
There are 4 men in a plane that is going down so they must throw one thing out of the plane. The mexican throws out a lawn mower and says we have to0 many of these in our country, the Asian throws out a bowl of noodles saying we have too much of this in our country, the black man throws out kfc saying we eat way too much of this in our country, and the American throws out the mexican saying we have too much of these in our country. 4 men in a plane
There are 4 people on board, the crew has already abandoned the plane with most of the parachutes. There is only 3 left. On board is a priest, Stevie wonder, a cop and a young girl. The cop assumes control of the situation and begins to hand out the parachute to those he views that deserves it. You have devoted your life to God and for that you get to live. The cop hands the priest one of the parachutes and the priest jumps out of the plane. Your gift of your music to the world has saved you today. The cop hands Stevie wonder the 2nd parachute. The cop then guides Mr wonder to the door of the plane and the singer follows suit and jumps out. I have enforced the law and have saved more lives than anyone on board so I deserve to live The young girl begins sobbing uncontrollably as she knows she is fucked. Don’t worry the cop said, giving a wink to the girl. I gave Stevie my backpack A planes engine has failed and the aircraft going to crash in the next few minutes
There are 4 people on board, the crew has already abandoned the plane with most of the parachutes. There is only 3 left. On board is a priest, Stevie wonder, a cop and a young girl. The cop assumes control of the situation and begins to hand out the parachute to those he views that deserves it. You have devoted your life to God and for that you get to live. The cop hands the priest one of the parachutes and the priest jumps out of the plane. Your gift of your music to the world has saved you today. The cop hands Stevie wonder the 2nd parachute. The cop then guides Mr wonder to the door of the plane and the singer follows suit and jumps out. I have enforced the law and have saved more lives than anyone on board so I deserve to live The young girl begins sobbing uncontrollably as she knows she is fucked. Don’t worry the cop said, giving a wink to the girl. I gave Stevie my backpack I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7. I call it: Windows 98.
There are 6 people a private jet flying across the states. The pilot comes out of the cockpit and says well, this plane is going down, and there are only 5 parachutes so yall can fight over the other 4 , and he jumps. Leaving 4. Then a middle aged man in a lab coat says , well im a leading scientist in the cure for cancer so he jumps. Leaving 3 parachutes, with 4 people. Then another man gets up and says my wife is having her baby tomorrow , so he jumps aswell. Then there were 3 people with only 2 parachutes. The 3 left were another middle aged man, a 15 year old teenage boy, and a 73 year old priest. The middle aged man gets up and says im the smartest man in the world, this world could not function without my knowledge , so he jumps. 1 parachute left. The priest says to the young kid, go on you take it, there is only 1 left, i have lived my life, you’re still young and have a bright future. The kid replies, actually father, the smartest man in the world grabbed my backpack. 6 people on a private jet
There are 8 planets in the universe, but only 7 after I destroy Uranus. There are 8 planets in the universe… (pick up line)
There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it’s not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of other catheter fetishists for exactly this purpose. Within one such community, there was a man who, though he had no catheter of his own, was both intensely into them and very respectful of those who had them. While he was a bit prone to making lewd jokes involving them, he was always careful to avoid personal offense, and was therefore well liked by all involved, despite having flunked out of high school years before and thereby gaining a (generally undeserved) reputation of mild stupidity. During one of his community’s gatherings, this man decided to show off an artifact that had come into his possession via convoluted circumstances (which we shall not detail here): an original manuscript by James Joyce, written while Joyce was [weathering the Nazi occupation of France](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Joyce#1920.E2.80.9341:_Paris_and_Zurich). Of course, not everyone likes Joyce, or even considers him an adequate wordsmith, and such opinions can be especially polarizing in necessarily restricted communities like the one this man found himself in. As a result, different members of the there-assembled group had wildly varying responses to the object and its history, and the man ended up inadvertently causing a temporary rift within the community over the manuscript. Thus, we have proven that, [with the Axis tome of Joyce, any fully tasteful and licentiously suggestive flunker is an ambivalence of cathetorgies](http://planetmath.org/afunctorisanequivalenceiffitisfullyfaithfulandessentiallysurjective). Q.E. 😀 An original math feghoot.
There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital. The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spinal cord and is paralyzed from the waist down. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off the plane, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand. The Buddhist, relieved to have been caught, says, Thank God, and the hand drops him. EDIT: Wow I used the wrong break/brake in the title. A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down
There are now more airplanes in the ocean than their are submarines in the sky. Thanks to World War I
There are only four parachutes but the pilot takes one and jumps out. Michael Jordan says I’m the greatest basketball player ever, I should get to live. He grabs one and jumps out. Bill Gates says, I’m the smartest man in the world, I should live. He grabs a pack and jumps out. The priest turns to the hippie and says, Son, I’ve lived my life. You take the last parachute and I’ll go down with the plane. To which the hippie replies, Hey man, there’s still two left. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack. Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, a priest, and a hippie are on a plane together when suddenly it starts going down.
There are three male survivors and while looking for more survivors of the plane crash they get ambushed by cannibals. The cannibals plan to kill and eat them unless they go out into the jungle and search for a fruit. Since none of the guys want to die, they all go out and search for fruit. After some time, the 1st guy returns with an apple. A cannibal says, Shove the apple up your ass without making a sound and we will let you live. So the first guy attempts to shove the apple up his ass as quietly as possible, but halfway through he screams in pain. The cannibals proceed to kill and eat him. Afterwards, the second guy returns with a cherry. A cannibal says, Shove the cherry up your ass without making a sound and we will let you live. So the second guy proceeds to shove the cherry up his ass as quietly as possible. Right when he was almost finished, he starts laughing. The cannibals proceed to kill and eat him. Up in heaven, the 1st guy asks the 2nd guy: DUDE!!! What happened!? You were so close! Why did you laugh? The 2nd guy replies: The other guy was holding a pineapple. A plane crashes in the middle of a jungle…
There are three passengers, an American, a Brit, and a Chinese man. The flight attendant hands out parachutes but has trouble convincing the three to jump. The captain runs out of patience and shoves the attendant out the door with her own parachute. A few moments later, she sees the three passengers jumping out from above. Once on the ground, she asks the captain what he did to convince the three. He said, Easy. I told the American it was an adventure and he jumped. I told the Brit it was for country and he jumped. Mystified, the flight attendant asked, What about the Chinese man? The captain replied, I told him it was free. A plane runs into trouble midair….
There are two men in a helicopter, the gunner says to the pilot, are you going to rotate clockwise? The pilot says, yaw A helicopter
there are two straight males that both manage different rival paper and mug companies, one white, one black a convention is coming up so they both leave their wives. the white one beats his wife and unborn kid every week on tuesday at 5:56 p.m. as they’re traveling in separate planes, a lightning storm comes upon them and they see god in the sky they crash onto an island and meet eachother on the beach every night they talk about their wives and children and how the black dude is cheating on his wife and then the white dude drills the black guy in the ass because that way he can reinforce his confederate beliefs. two straight males get trapped on an island (Possibly NSFW)
There is a man shipwrecked on an island and he is all alone, accept for a German Shepard and a goat. He has enough supplies to live healthy from the sunken ship and plenty of shade to protect him from the sun. Though the lonely nights started getting to him and eventually he starts to take a fancy to the goat. Though every time he tries to get close to it the German Shepard growls at him. This goes on for almost a month. Then one day a plane crashes over the island and he sees a women fall into the water. He swims out and pulls her back into shore and saves her life. She offers him anything in return for saving his life, and starts to undress herself. The man stops her though and kindly asks her to take the dog on a long walk instead. There is a man shipwreck on an island
There is a plane descending to crash and the only way to survive is to get as much weight off the plan as possible. The crew begin by throwing off all the luggage and the pilot said that it wasn’t enough. So they decided that the best thing to do is start throwing passengers off the plane and the fairest way to do it is to start in alphabetical order. One of the flight attendants stands up and say Ok are there any African Americans on the plane, please come to the front Nobody stands up. The flight attendant then says Okay how about black people, please come to the front Again nobody stands up. The flight attendant grins and says Seriously people stop messing, we will move on. Any coloured people please come to the front Nobody stands up yet again. Attendant says Ok how about any dark skinned people? Any dark skinned people please come to the front of the plane At the back of the plane there is a young black child with his father travelling and he says Dad you always told me to be proud that I am young black man His father replies I know son but on this plan we are niggers Dad told me this the day after returning from the US. (NSFW)
There is a plane flying over a vast jungle. The plane is about to crash, so the passengers are instructed to lose some weight on the plane. There are three men in question that day, who each threw over something important to themselves. I have too many of these, said the first man, as he threw over some suitcases full of clothes. I have too many of these, said the second man, as he threw over some crates full of fruit. I have too many of these, said the third man, as he threw over a hand grenade. The plane crashes anyways, but the three men are the only survivors. They wander into the jungle, looking for other survivors, or some kind of help. As they venture further and further into the jungle, they find a small boy, crying. Little boy, why are you crying? Asks the first man. Some suitcases of clothes fell on my brother and he died! Sobbed the boy. Feeling incredibly guilty, the first man ushers the group on to find some help. They venture even further and further into the jungle, the group stops when they find a small girl, crying. Little girl, why are you crying? Asks the second man. A crate of fruit fell on my mommy and she died! Sobbed the girl. Feeling even more guilty than the first man, the second man pleads his friends to continue deeper into the jungle. The third man shrugs, expecting the worst. They venture to the deepest part of the jungle, where there is a small clearing. The group stops when they find a small boy, laughing. Little boy, why are you laughing? Asks the third man. My daddy farted and the house exploded! Laughed the boy. The third man takes the hand of the boy, and they laugh as the walk towards the beautiful sunset on the horizon. Plane over the Jungle
There is this guy who’s gaming on the 6th floor of an apartment. In the same apartment an African American man is in the lobby waiting for his cab to arrive as he has to go to the airport. A few minutes later the cab arrives and this man takes the cab to the airport with no trouble. But the guy on the 6th floor stops gaming. Why? Because there was a ‘Black out’. African american
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, Wow, these seats are big! The person next to him answered, Everything is big in Texas. When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, Wow these mugs are big! The bartender replied, Everything is big in Texas. After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, Second door to the right. The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, Don’t flush, don’t flush! A Blind Man visits the State of Texas…
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study. With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. There is a lot of good work here, she says. But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group. Our student turns pale and says, You don’t mean… Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned. The pains of being a biology student.
There was a college professor who liked to tell dirty stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he thought of a plan. Halfway through the next lecture, he began his dirty story; They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France. The girls looked at one another, got up and started for the door. Slow down ladies, said the professor with a smirk, the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon. the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon
There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, *chug chug chug* it breaks down. So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tractor and tow it back. He pulls apart his Datsun Ute and does all the fault finding and diagnostics you can imagine. He pulls apart the gearbox and finds a broken cog. So he calls up the Datsun dealership and explains to him how his Datsun Ute broke down, and he needs a new cog for it. He asks if he could help him out. The dealership tells him Yeh mate, I can get one in for ya but it’s going to take about 6-8 weeks. The farmer says, why so long? I really need the Datsun cog for my Datsun Ute. The man replies, Yeh sorry mate, the parts coming from Japan, nothing I can do. The farmer says fair enough and hangs up the phone. He comes up with the idea to just fly over there himself and pick it up, as it’s costing him money not having his Datsun ute running. He buys a plane ticket to Japan expecting he’s just going to get there and buy a Datsun cog and return home. He finally lands and makes his way to the Datsun factory. Out comes one of the workers and the farmer says to him, Mate, I’m after a Datsun cog for my Datsun ute. The factory worker says Yeh no worries, but we’re a factory, you can’t just buy one Datsun cog. You have to buy a 1000 Datsun cogs minimum. The farmer agrees and he takes a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs back onto the plane making his way home. As the planes descending the planes to heavy for the landing gear and the flight attendants announce their going to throw out anything they deem as excessive. The flight crew are staring at a pallet of a 1000 Datsun cogs, thinking who would want a 1000, it’s a Datsun. So they decide to push it off the back of the plane. When at that moment the farmer comes racing in saying stop, stop! . He reaches into the pile and grabs a Datsun cog out. And he’s happy, as he got what he came for. So they push out the remainder, like 999 Datsun cogs, but let’s just say a 1000, who’s counting. So you can imagine, a 1000 Datsun cogs are falling from the sky from a plane, what a sight that would be. 2 other farmers, Billy and Joel, sitting out on their sun deck see exactly that. Billy yells out, Joel! Wake up! It’s raining Datsun cogs! Datsun cogs
There was a helicopter pilot lost over Seattle on a particularly cloudy day. He finally comes up next to an office building and holds up a sign to person in the window. The sign read WHERE AM I? The person in window responded with their own sign, which read IN A HELICOPTER . The pilot immediately nodded, and flew straight back to airport. Once on the ground the pilot was asked how he knew where he was. His response was, I knew I was at the Microsoft headquarters when I received an equally accurate and useless answer . In a helicopter somewhere over Seattle
There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an assistant to do it for him. One day the priest put out a bunch of flyers about how he was looking for an assistant and anyone whk was interested should come to the church. After two weeks of no responses, the priest was hopeless until he heard a knock on the church door. He opened the door to see a man with no arms standing there. Hello my son, what is your cause of being here? He questioned the man. I am here for the bell-ringer position. Is it still open? The man replied. Well yes, it is, but how could a man like you ring a bell? The priest asked. Trust me, father, I will be able to ring that bell. I promise. The man responded. The priest, not wanting to turn away a man for his disability decided to let the man try. If he could ring the bell at noon that day, he would get the job. The man, excitedly ran up the stairs and the priest waited for noon to come. At noon, on the dot, the bell rang as loud as ever. The priest was shocked and for the first time in years he ran up the stairs to the bell. When he got to the top, he was panting, and began to speak to the man. My son! How on Earth were you able to ring that bell? The priest said in between breaths. Father, you might think I kicked the bell but then I would lose my balance and fall. Instead, I bang my head as hard as I can against it. The man said with a smirk on his face. The Priest was shocked to hear this, My son! Doesn’t that hurt you? The Priest asked. No father, if it did, I would not have applied for this job. The Priest took the man’s word and decided to let him keep the job. From that day on, the bell rang beautifully, at noon exactly every time. About two weeks later, the bell didn’t ring. The man had fallen from the tower to the street below! The police arrived at the seen and began questioning individuals. The Priest came running out and met the officers by the horrific corpse. Father, do you know anything about who this man was? The officer questioned the Priest. I’m so sorry officer, no I don’t even know his name. However, his face rings a bell. A joke my art teacher told my class
There was a man in an airplane and he had just over dosed on alcohol, one could say he really was HIGH –<>~<>– ^those are what I call ‘pun glasses’ [Pun] There’s something about the sky…
There was a Mexican, a American and a Japanese pilot. They were taking turns flying over each of ther countries so they were flying over Kapan and the Japanese guy drops an apple on his country and the other two ask why he did that and he said Because I love my country! So they went on to Mexico and the Mexican drops an orange on his country so the other two asked why he did that and he said Because I love my country So they went on to America and the American drops a bomb on his country so the other two asked him why he did that and he said Because I hate my country So they landed in their respective countries and the Japanese guy was walking and he saw a kid crying so he said whats the matter and the kid said an apple fell out of the sky and hit me in the head. Then the Mexican was walking and he saw a kid crying so he asked what happened and the kid said an orange fell out of the sky and hit him in the head. Then the American was walking and he saw a kid laughing and he ask what are you so happy about and he said I farted and the building behind me exploded . Another best farting joke i’ve EVER heard..
There was a middle aged guy named Fed, and he once had an amazing girlfriend. His girlfriend worked at a big time packaging company. Fed and his girlfriend used to hang out every second when they were free. But then something happened and Fed dumped his girlfriend in an airplane when on route to NY. Do you know why? Because he was Fed up. And from that day on, his girlfriend who worked at the packaging company was now called………..Fed Ex. Fed’s Ex Girlfriend
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane. The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey. Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*. When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face. The Frenchman was thinking: The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead. The woman was thinking: The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it. The English guy was thinking: This is great. The next time the power goes out, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again. A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, Excuse me, ma’am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here. The blonde replied, I can and I will. The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. Ma’am, we really can’t have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy. You can’t make me move. The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn’t work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, I told her first class wasn’t going to Detroit. First class won’t go to Detroit!!
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, Excuse me, ma’am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here. The blonde replied, I can and I will. The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. Ma’am, we really can’t have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy. You can’t make me move. The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn’t work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, I told her first class wasn’t going to Detroit. How to deal with a blonde on a plane
There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, Excuse me, ma’am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here. The blonde replied, I can and I will. The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. Ma’am, we really can’t have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy. You can’t make me move. The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn’t work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, I told her first class wasn’t going to Detroit. There was once a blonde woman.
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km’s from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals. Many years passed by like that. At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked: – Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? – with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off. A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked: – Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? – the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man: – Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon. – Don’t mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! – by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn’t follow because he couldn’t swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km’s away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger: – Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? – the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn’t care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard. – Priest, please be good… – the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked: – Son, why do you need it for God’s sake? – the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village’s locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time. – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – There you go, son – handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger’s arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked: – But what do you need it for?! – panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest’s hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest’s face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest’s fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked: – Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it? – All right, priest … – came the answer in a trembling tone – I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone. The priest was good, and never told anyone. Priest and an unknown man
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km’s from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals. Many years passed by like that. At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said: \- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked: \- Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? – with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off. A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said: \- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked: \- Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? – the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man: \- Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon. \- Don’t mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! – by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn’t follow because he couldn’t swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km’s away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man: \- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger: \- Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? – the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn’t care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard. \- Priest, please be good… – the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked: \- Son, why do you need it for God’s sake? – the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village’s locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time. \- Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! \- There you go, son – handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger’s arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked: \- But what do you need it for?! – panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest’s hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest’s face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest’s fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked: \- Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it? \- All right, priest … – came the answer in a trembling tone – I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone. The priest was good, and never told anyone. The priest and half a lemon
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath. After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km’s from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals. Many years passed by like that. At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard. With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked: – Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? – with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off. A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked: – Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? – the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man: – Thank you priest for being so good and giving me half a lemon. – Don’t mention it son, -said the priest- but please tell me, what do you need it for?! – by the time he finished his sentence the man was already running, but the priest was close behind. They were running for a while and the priest was starting to feel exhausted when they arrived at a wide and swift river. The stranger without thinking threw himself into the river and swam across the river and disappeared on the other side. The priest didn’t follow because he couldn’t swim. He was annoyed when he got home. He spent the next week learning to swim at the swimming pool in the small town 25 km’s away. He was anxiously waiting for the next Sunday; now he was sure that the weird fellow would visit again. On Sunday, as he was closing the church, the gate creaked, and entered the man: – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – the priest was good, went back, put on his swimming trunks, his running shoes, grabbed half of the lemon and took it to the stranger: – Here it is, my son, but please tell me already, why do you need it? – the guy was terrified, rushed out the gate with the priest following. Reached the river, swam across, the priest right behind him. He kept running on the other side of the river and the priest was still on his tail. They kept running until they got to a tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man climbed the tree with the agility of a cat, the priest not knowing how to climb a tree, stood on the ground. He was cursing everything as he walked back home. The following week the villagers watched as the priest in the garden of the church climbs trees, jumping back and forth, and generally behaving very strangely. The priest didn’t care, he was exercising obsessively, preparing himself for the meeting. On Sunday before the mass, he put on his trunks and running shoes under his cassock. In fact, he was good and put half a lemon in his pocket in advance. The mass finished much earlier than usually, and he emptied the church as soon as possible so he could warm up. In the same exact time the mass should have ended, the strange man entered the churchyard. – Priest, please be good… – the priest was already handing him half of a lemon, and asked: – Son, why do you need it for God’s sake? – the man ran away terrified, the priest followed him. They ran to the river, swam across, ran to the tree, climbed up. The priest almost catched the stranger when he grabbed a vine and swung to the other side of the ravine. The priest was about to have a stroke, but then he saw another vine. Whoop, he grabbed it and swung across. There, however, he encountered an unexpected obstacle: it was a plane graveyard and the man closed himself in one of the wreckages. The priest was raging as he walked around the wreckage several times, but he found no entrance except for the sealed door on the side of the plane; he had to open it somehow. He was furious but he went home. He spent every day at the village’s locksmith and learned every possible way of opening a lock. On Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back in a waterproof backpack was a crowbar, a cutting torch, a wrench and a drill, then he stood in front of the church and waited for the man. He was there on time. – Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! – There you go, son – handing him the lemon, because he was good, but in the same time he grabbed the stranger’s arm, pulled him close, and with obsession in his eyes, asked: – But what do you need it for?! – panic came over the man as he made his escape from the priest’s hands and ran away, but the priest was very close behind. Racing to the river they quickly got across, running up the tree almost breaking their necks, one after the other swung across the ravine, the man barely managed to close the door of the wreckege in the priest’s face. Little did he know that the priest would not stop there, because he grabbed his backpack and started working on the lock with his tools. In less than an hour the heavy door creaked open. Inside, the stranger was shivering in horror, he was afraid of the priest’s fierce and triumphant look. The priest slowly strode up to the man, crouched down, and very quietly, with a friendly smile on his face, gently asked: – Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it? – All right, priest … – came the answer in a trembling tone – I will answer your question, but please, be good, and do not tell anyone. The priest was good, and never told anyone. There was once a priesr who went to see the world after taking his oath.
There was this tramp. One cold winter’s morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment’s hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. How can I ever thank you sir? he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. Just name your price – I’m a wealthy man. Ah, well… stammers the tramp, … uh, I’m a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out. Oh dear, says the father, I don’t carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds – but come home with me and I’ll get more from the safe. No! No! says the tramp, Why ten pounds is more money than I’ve seen in my whole life – that’ll be plenty. Ten pounds, thinks the tramp, I’m rich! I’m rich! and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. I’ll have one holiday please! Ahem, which holiday would sir like? asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. Oh, any holiday I don’t mind, anything up to ten pounds, replies the tramp. TEN POUNDS! You’ll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds, says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. Well you’ll never believe it, she says to the tramp, back in the shop. I’ve got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten pounds. Yippee! exclaims the tramp, I’ll take it! A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Get off my ship ye dirty bum! shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. But I’ve got my ticket! , responds the tramp, super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on! Well okay, says the captain, but you can’t come on just now, I don’t want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it’s dark and I’ll let you on then. So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. Psst, says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. Hurry up, it’s midnight, let’s get you to your cabin. The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6 pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3 deep, and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew’s quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7′ x 4′ cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. Sheer luxury! exclaimed the tramp, A room of my very own. I’m glad you like it, replies the captain, but there is one more thing… Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that’s what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise. Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he’d ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he’d have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived… … and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who’d grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. That was amazing! exclaimed the captain, Where did you learn to dive like that? Um, well I’ve never actually dived before, replied the tramp. Well that’s incredible! says the captain, I’ve never seen… He broke off. Hey, I’ve got an idea , he started again. How would you like to train a bit, and we’ll put on a show for the other passengers. I’ll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class! It’s a deal! says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he’s never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. Okay, I’d like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We’re going to erect a high diving board for you. Okay, agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. Well, tramp, said the captain, shaking his hand, Let’s see what you can do. And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb… up and up… below him the ship grew smaller… on and on… past a solitary albatross… and still higher… till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below… and on still further… till the ocean grew dim… and the earth itself… began to shrink… past our moon… and on… and Mars… and on… higher, and higher… through the asteroid belt… and on and on towards the diving board… past the outer planets, until… on the outermost reaches of the Solar System… he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain… and then… he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster – ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance. hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, I CAN SEE HIM! yelled a passenger, LOOK!!! The tramp streaked down towards the pool on the deck, did a last triple flip, and landed… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW’S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL……… SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37′ shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping… Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GOOD SHOW THAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen. The tramp blushed. The captain went on, but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it? And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: Well you see, I’m a just poor tramp so you must understand… I’ve been through many a hard ship in my life. An old tramp goes on a deluxe cruise…
There was this tramp. One cold winter’s morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment’s hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. How can I ever thank you sir? he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. Just name your price – I’m a wealthy man. Ah, well… stammers the tramp, … uh, I’m a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out. Oh dear, says the father, I don’t carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds – but come home with me and I’ll get more from the safe. No! No! says the tramp, Why ten pounds is more money than I’ve seen in my whole life – that’ll be plenty. Ten pounds, thinks the tramp, I’m rich! I’m rich! and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. I’ll have one holiday please! Ahem, which holiday would sir like? asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. Oh, any holiday I don’t mind, anything up to ten pounds, replies the tramp. TEN POUNDS! You’ll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds, says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. Well you’ll never believe it, she says to the tramp, back in the shop. I’ve got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten pounds. Yippee! exclaims the tramp, I’ll take it! A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Get off my ship ye dirty bum! shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. But I’ve got my ticket! , responds the tramp, super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on! Well okay, says the captain, but you can’t come on just now, I don’t want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it’s dark and I’ll let you on then. So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. Psst, says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. Hurry up, it’s midnight, let’s get you to your cabin. The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6 pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3 deep, and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew’s quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7′ x 4′ cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. Sheer luxury! exclaimed the tramp, A room of my very own. I’m glad you like it, replies the captain, but there is one more thing… Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that’s what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise. Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he’d ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he’d have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived… … and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who’d grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. That was amazing! exclaimed the captain, Where did you learn to dive like that? Um, well I’ve never actually dived before, replied the tramp. Well that’s incredible! says the captain, I’ve never seen… He broke off. Hey, I’ve got an idea , he started again. How would you like to train a bit, and we’ll put on a show for the other passengers. I’ll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class! It’s a deal! says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he’s never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. Okay, I’d like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We’re going to erect a high diving board for you. Okay, agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. Well, tramp, said the captain, shaking his hand, Let’s see what you can do. And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb… up and up… below him the ship grew smaller… on and on… past a solitary albatross… and still higher… till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below… and on still further… / till the ocean grew dim… and the earth itself… began to shrink… past our moon… and on… and Mars… and on… higher, and higher… through the asteroid belt… and on and on towards the diving board… past the outer planets, until… on the outermost reaches of the Solar System… he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain… and then… .’ ‘. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . . . . . . through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster – ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, I CAN SEE HIM! yelled a passenger, LOOK!!! The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW’S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL……… SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37’ shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping… Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GOOD SHOW THAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen. The tramp blushed. The captain went on, but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it. And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: Well you see… I’m a just poor tramp… so you must understand… I’ve been through many a hard ship in my life. The Tramps Holiday
There was this tramp. One cold winter’s morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment’s hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. How can I ever thank you sir? he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. Just name your price – I’m a wealthy man. Ah, well… stammers the tramp, … uh, I’m a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out. Oh dear, says the father, I don’t carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds – but come home with me and I’ll get more from the safe. No! No! says the tramp, Why ten pounds is more money than I’ve seen in my whole life – that’ll be plenty. Ten pounds, thinks the tramp, I’m rich! I’m rich! and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. I’ll have one holiday please! Ahem, which holiday would you like? asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. Oh, any holiday I don’t mind, anything up to ten pounds, replies the tramp. TEN POUNDS! You’ll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds, says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. Well you’ll never believe it, she says to the tramp, back in the shop. I’ve got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten pounds. Yippee! exclaims the tramp, I’ll take it! A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Get off my ship ye dirty bum! shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. But I’ve got my ticket! , responds the tramp, super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on! Well okay, says the captain, but you can’t come on just now, I don’t want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it’s dark and I’ll let you on then. So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. Psst, says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. Hurry up, it’s midnight, let’s get you to your cabin. The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6 pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3 deep, and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew’s quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7′ x 4′ cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. Sheer luxury! exclaimed the tramp, A room of my very own. I’m glad you like it, replies the captain, but there is one more thing… Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that’s what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise. Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he’d ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he’d have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived… … and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who’d grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. That was amazing! exclaimed the captain, Where did you learn to dive like that? Um, well I’ve never actually dived before, replied the tramp. Well that’s incredible! says the captain, I’ve never seen… He broke off. Hey, I’ve got an idea , he started again. How would you like to train a bit, and we’ll put on a show for the other passengers. I’ll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class! It’s a deal! says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he’s never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. Okay, I’d like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We’re going to erect a high diving board for you. Okay, agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. Well, tramp, said the captain, shaking his hand, Let’s see what you can do. And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb… up and up… below him the ship grew smaller… on and on… past a solitary albatross… and still higher… till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below… and on still further… till the ocean grew dim… and the earth itself… began to shrink… past our moon… and on… and Mars… and on… higher, and higher… through the asteroid belt… and on and on towards the diving board… past the outer planets, until… on the outermost reaches of the Solar System… he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain… and then… he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster – ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, I CAN SEE HIM! yelled a passenger, LOOK!!! The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW’S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL……… SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37′ shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping… Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! GOOD SHOW THAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen. The tramp blushed. The captain went on, but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it. And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: Well you see… I’m a just poor tramp… so you must understand… I’ve been through many a hard ship in my life. The Tramp’s Holiday
There were 152 people on a plane. It gets hijacked and crashed, and everyone on it dies. God says they all get one wish because of how tragically they died. The first man wishes for himself not to be ugly, the second person wishes she was skinnier. They all wish for something that improves their appearance. Halfway through the line God notices a man in the back laughing hysterically. The closer he gets to the back the harder the man laughs. When he gets to the last man he asks whats so funny. I wish they were all ugly again! EDIT:* Spelling errors A plane crashes
There were 25 blonds, and 5 brunettes on a plane. After they got up higher, the pilot got on the loud speaker, and said that they needed to drop the floor, because they were going down. He told everyone to grab onto the handle bars above. When everyone did, the pilot dropped the floor. After a few minutes, he said that they were still going down, and needed some people to drop themselves. After the blonds refused, the brunetts said that they would do it. All the blonds clapped for them… I’ve git nothing against blonds. My girlfriend us blond. I heard this joke from my friend, and it’s not that bad.
