Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot. Knock knock. Who’s there? *The chicken.*
Ice cream flavor galore A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira’s ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn’t smooth enough.
Do you deliver? A man rings up his local Indian restaurant and asks, Do you deliver? And the man at the other end of the phone replies, Nah mate. Just beef, chicken and lamb.
Rednecks Pick a Doctor It seems a young Redneck couple are in need of a doctor for their baby to be. Unfortunately, even though they live near a large city, it seems none of the available White American doctors have room in their schedule for them. Obviously, Black doctors are out of the question, as are Italians (Catholic), Hispanics (ditto), and of course, Chinese, Japanese, and Irish. Frustrated, they call a family meeting of parents and In-Laws to try and sort out the problem. Say what you will about the Jews, ventures a grandfather, they know their business. It would do in a pinch. I hear the Indians are pretty good, too, offers a Mother-in-law, even if they are on the dark side. Technically, Indians are Caucasian, notes the young mother, so they’ve got that going for them. And, chicken marsala is pretty tasty. The Mother-in-law nods as the crowd generally approves. I’m thinking maybe a German, says the other grandfather. They’ve been in the doctor business a long time, too. Wait a minute! says the young father. I think I’ve got just the guy then. Yep! Right here on the list of Obstetricians! Which one? asks his wife. Gupta von Greenbaum!
what does the chicken give you? Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
A man walks into a brothel And tells the women at the counter, I’m looking for some pussy the clerk is concerned and instead offers the man some chicken. $10 and you can have your way with the chicken. She says. The man looks at the chicken on the counter, after a moment of silence he agrees. She points him down the hall to the first room on the right. The man walks in and sets the chicken on a table. Nervously he drops his pants and gets it done. Thanks, I will be back for more chicken he tells the clerk on his way out. Two weeks go by and the man returns. Can I get in on some more of that chicken? He asks. No, but we do have a peep show going on $5. The man pays up and proceeds to the second door on the right as instructed, Steps into a dark room with sets of eye holes drilled into the wall, on the other side of the wall were two beautiful women having sex. Impressed he comments aloud this place is great! A man standing next to him replays you should have been here two weeks ago, some asshole was fucking a chicken
Why isn’t anyone afraid of China? ….Because everyone knows General Tsao’s chicken. Heard from a friend today. 🙂
The randomness of life…DUN DUN DUN! When I was a young transgendered gay homophobic boy, my lobster ate my blue chicken. From this oh so tragic experience, I became a girl with laptop snail egg frog hand for a cat sheet. AS YOU CAN TELL,life became a lot easier after that. Pro tip: If someone tells you to call them master, say, Okay master…bater. Hello masturbator! How you doin’ masturbator? Wanking twats…
Apple Iphone 6 Walked into an Apple store this morning to buy a Iphone 6. Salesman: Rs.63,000 + Taxes. (*Moonwalks out of Apple store into McDonalds) Me: Bhai ek McChicken with extra cheese dey fatafat
2 chickens walk into a chickenfarm The one chicken says to the other: tock, tock, tock, tock, tock. The other one respones: Are you tocking to me?
Smart old rooster. A chicken farmer brings home a new rooster for his hen house. The old rooster ask him for a favor. He says look im old and wore out but if you don’t mind could you chase me around the coupe so it looks like I at least put up a fight for the chicken’s. The young rooster agrees to do so and commits to chase the old rooster around the coupe. The farmer is sitting on his porch with a friend when he sees the new rooster chasing the old one around. So he grabs his gun and shoots the new rooster dead. The farmers friend asked why he shoot his new bird. The farmer replied thats the third gay rooster I bought this year.
Johnny learns a moral The teacher tells the students to go home and learn a moral for homework. The next day the teacher started with Sarah asking her what moral she learned. I was helping my momma bring in the groceries and the bag ripped and I dropped the milk and started to cry and my momma said don’t cry over spilled milk . The teacher told her that was good and gave her a B. Next she called on Michael. He said All day long I was thinking about all of the candy I had in my drawer and how I was gonna eat it all but when I got home I found out my brother ate half of my candy. I told my dad and said never count all of your chickens before they hatch . The teacher being impressed with his story she gave him a B+. Now she picked Johnny. He starts off with One day my father was in the war stuck in a foxhole with a gun with 10 bullets, 2 hand grenades, and a fifth of whiskey . The teacher gives him a glare and he he continues on with his story. Well first he drank the whole fifth of whiskey in five huge gulps and stood up and threw one grenade killing five people and threw the second one killing seven more people then he stood up and killed a person with every bullet with the gun . The teacher looked at Johnny and asked him What moral did you learn from that ? Without missing a beat Johnny said The moral of the story is…Don’t fuck with my dad when he’s been drinking .
A chicken and an egg… A chicken and an egg are in bed together having funky time. When it comes to an end the chicken rolls off on to it’s back and sparks up a cigarette, while the egg pulls up to duvet to get warm. The egg looks over to the chicken in disappointment and says guess that answer that question then
Why did the black man cross the road? Because he saw the chicken cross the road and wanted to deep fry it.
Do you deliver? A man rings up his local Indian restaurant and asks, Do you deliver? And the man at the other end of the phone replies, Nah mate. Just beef, chicken and lamb.
A man comes home very drunk late at night… So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he’s as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates. The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: This can’t be possible, I’m a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there! The guy can see St. Peter looks like he’s feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there’s no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: But come on, there’s got to be something you can do! I’ll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down. So St. Peters tells him: Well really, there’s just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That’s the only thing we can allow. The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly. So he’s back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there’s green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there’s something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: Tell me, I’ve got this weird feeling in my belly, I’m not too well. What is happening to me? The old hen: Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you’ve never laid a nice egg before… You need to push it out now, and you’ll feel much better after! So the guy pushes and pushes, and *wham*, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice. Well dearie, it’s quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing! So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and *wham*, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he’s back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen. What’s this bullshit here, and don’t tell me I’ve got a third egg to lay! The old hen can’t make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, *wham*, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: *Aren’t you fucking done shitting the bed, you son of a bitch?*
joke – Daily dose of laughter. Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Student: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Student: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Student: Homework!
The police and the chicken A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you! The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, Listen and listen good. That is **my** chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms! The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, Your turn!
What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think i can kick this bucket? Also, Why did the chicken cross the road? [He was in the bucket](/spoiler)
The chicken farm A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn’t say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner’s curiousity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I think I’m either planting them too deep or too close together.
knock knock Knock knock? Who’s there? King Tut King Tut who? King Tut Key Fried Chicken!
Chicken Why did the chicken go to the car dealership? — she wanted to trade the coop for a sedan..
Ol’ Man and the little boy. An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. Hey boy, whatcha got there? He says. Roll of chicken wire. Said the little boy. What you gonna do with that? Gonna catch some chickens. You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. Hey boy, whatcha got there? Roll of duct tape. What you gonna do with that? Gonna catch me some ducks. You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape! The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ”Hey boy, whatcha got there? It’s a pussy willow, whaddya gotta say bout that ya old timer? Wait up…lemme get my shoes on.
A teacher gave her class an assignment….. She asked all the kids to come back to school the next day with a story, and what the story teaches you. The next day she asked who wants to share their story. Little Johnny goes first and says I live on a farm, and we had 12 chicken eggs, but only 10 of them hatched. That teaches you to not count your chicks before they hatch Little Susie went next and said I live on a farm as well, and we were taking eggs to the market one day, but the basket fell out of the back of the truck and all the eggs broke. That teaches you to not put all your eggs in one basket. Nobody else would volunteer, so the teacher called on little Billy and said Billy why don’t you share your story. Billy got a dark look on his face and said, Well my mom did tell me a story about my uncle Bob once. He was a gunner on a helicopter during Vietnam. One day his chopper got shot down and Bob fell to the earth. While he was falling he had three things on him. A bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a knife. As he was falling he decided to drink the bottle of whiskey so that it wouldn’t break when he hit the ground. When he hit the ground, he was surrounded by 100 Viet Cong. He used his machine gun and killed 50 of them before he ran out of ammo. Then he used the knife to kill another 40 of them before the blade broke. Then he killed the last 10 with hand to hand combat. Johnny finished his story and the teacher said That’s amazing! But what does it teach you? Johnny told her It teaches you not to fuck with Uncle Bob after he’s had a few drinks.
Doctor, Machine and Patient… Joke Only For Adults This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient. He says to the guy not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top. The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, you have tennis elbow . The guy says, that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me At this point the doc interrupts and says, nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you. The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake. There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer! Next morning he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!
You may have heard this before but w/e A kid lives with his parents in a big farm. They eat what they produce so they have chickens for the eggs, trees for the fruits, cows for the milk and cheese and so on. One day the father buys a new bovine at the county fair and brings it home and his son, curious to see the new arrive, sneaks inside the cows’ stables in the evening, just before dinner. He notices it instantly: it’s tall, brown and quite fat. Suddenly he thinks that it’d be a good idea to be the first one to milk the new cow and bring home the warm milk to drink with cookies before bed-time. The kid has seen his parents milk the cows a lot of times so he’s pretty sure he knows how to do it. He gathers a stool and a bucket and starts. Nothing exits at first but after a minute of tugging a small quantity of warm, white milk pours into the bucket. It stops coming down after a few drops but for the kid it’s enough. All triumphant, he brings the bucket home for his parents to see. Mom, dad, look! I milked the new cow! His mother replies The new cow? Yes, the one dad bought earlier today! His parents stay silent for a few moments and then his father utters Son, I didn’t buy a cow. I bought a bull.
City man starts a farm A city man moves to the country to start a farm. He goes to town and buys some animals. First, he buys a rooster, but the lady tells him Around these parts we call it a cock. Next, he buys a young hen, but the lady tells him, Around these parts we call them a pullet. Finally, he needs to buy a donkey. The lady says, Only got one left, and he’s kinda funny, if he stops moving, you have to scratch behind his ears in order to get him going, and around these parts we call a donkey an ass. Having gotten his starter animals, the man rides the donkey down the road holding a chicken in each hand. About a mile from home, the donkey stops. He can’t scratch the donkey, because he has to hold the chickens, so he just waits, for hours. Finally, after three hours a young girl comes walking down the road with her father. Exited to finally see somebody the man shouts Hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass!
Russian foodie joke A guy sitting in a restaurant in Moscow orders quail. When it arrives, using two spoons he carefully opens and peers into the rear of bird and announces, This is not a quail. It is a simple chicken: born in Saint Petersburg, age: 3 years. Please, waiter, bring me a quail! Each subsequent delivery of fowl by the waiter is settled by the mysterious diner in the same manner: two spoons, a quick inspection, followed by an indubitable declaration: Kiev, 2 years; Minsk, 4 years; Volgograd, 5 years! Meanwhile, a local is seated in the corner table, drinking vodka freely, inscrutable, and privy to the entire quail affair. Slowly, he rises to his feet, acquires an unsteady but adequate balance, makes his way to the mysterious diner’s table, turns, drops his pants, and plaintively asks, My droog, please help me! I orphan! How many years I have? And where I am born???
An old man is sitting on his porch… An old man is sitting on his porch one day when 3 younger guys walk by carrying some chicken wire. Where you going with that wire? he asks. We are going to catch some chickens reply the men. You ain’t gonna catch no chickens with no damn chicken wire says the old man. Later that day they come back carrying a bunch of chickens. The old man is very surprised. The next day the 3 younger guys walk by carrying some duct tape. Where you going with that tape? he asks. We are going to catch some ducks reply the men. You ain’t gonna catch no ducks with no damn tape says the old man. Later that day they come back with a bunch of ducks. The old man just can’t believe it. The next day the 3 younger guys walk by carrying some pussy willow under their arms. The old man thinks and just says Hold on a sec, let me get my hat
Whenever I put on my Ocean Pacific (op) pants I feel I must say something meaningful. An old man is sitting on his porch one day when 3 younger guys walk by carrying some chicken wire. Where you going with that wire? he asks. We are going to catch some chickens reply the men. You ain’t gonna catch no chickens with no damn chicken wire says the old man. Later that day they come back carrying a bunch of chickens. The old man is very surprised. The next day the 3 younger guys walk by carrying some duct tape. Where you going with that tape? he asks. We are going to catch some ducks reply the men. You ain’t gonna catch no ducks with no damn tape says the old man. Later that day they come back with a bunch of ducks. The old man just can’t believe it. The next day the 3 younger guys walk by carrying some pussy willow under their arms. The old man thinks and just says Hold on a sec, let me get my hat
Why was the rooster angry? He just found his chicken strips. (Courtesy of my creative bartender pal)
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To get to the gay-cunt’s house. Knock knock. Who’s there? The chicken.
Are you a breast or a thigh man? A very shy man walks up to an very attractive young lady who was obviously very experienced, if you know what I mean. The woman sees him and says, Hi Honey, what’ll you have? Her lustful eyes in full contact with his. I’m looking for something good. What have you got? , the man replies coyly. He was new to this. Well… are you a breast man or a thigh man? , she asks with a smirk, thoroughly relaxed with the transaction that was about to occur. The man pauses for a moment. I’m… Well I’m really more of a… you know… a pussy kind of man. Shocked, the woman reeled back and called for her manager. It was at that moment he realized that wasn’t the most appropriate thing to say to a counter clerk at the Kentucky Fried Chicken. No matter how experienced she was at sex!
What’s the difference between roast chicken and pea soup? I can roast chicken but I can’t pea soup
Why did the chicken cross the road? Q:why did the chicken cross the road ? Me : don’t know why. A. To get to a dorks house Me: Ahh ok ? …I don’t get it. ok maybe you’ll get this one. Knock knock….. Me: who is there ? A: the chicken !
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see its smelly friend Knock knock Whos there Chicken!
The ultimate chicken crossing the road joke So why did the chicken cross the road? Because your momma’s so fat and she seems to like chicken.
The neighbours … A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens. His neighbour says, You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire. Later that night, the neighbour sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies, You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape. Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him. The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies, Its pussy willow. He says, Hold on, let me get my hat.
So a chicken goes into a library… So a chicken is walking around in the city, visits the library, approaches the librarians desk and says Book! . She smiles and says here’s a good book , takes one out, the chicken accepts it and disappears. He comes in again the next day and approaches the librarian and says Book book! She smiles and says gotcha… you really enjoyed that one, here’s two more books . The chicken accepts them and disappears. He comes back yet again to the librarian and says Book! Book! Book! . She gets excited, wow, you’re really into these books… here’s a few more. This time, she decides to follow the chicken and see where he’s been going with all these books. Trailing behind him, she follows him down the road to the outskirts of the city, into the woods, through a field of flowers, over a bridge, and eventually reaches a pond. Over there, she sees a big frog. As the chicken with the books approaches it, the frog goes Reddit… reddit… reddit…
Why did the redneck cross the road His dick was stuck in the chicken
A farmer wants to a have new chicken coop built… so he decides to hire a mathematician to figure out the most efficient way to design it. The mathematician spends hours walking around the farm, taking measurements, counting chickens, making notes, and finishes his work by standing in one spot looking up at the sky for a solid hour, just thinking. He then finally walks over to the farmer and says, Alright, I’ve finished. The farmer says, Great! Let’s hear it! And the mathematician says, Now, imagine 40 perfectly spherical chickens in a vacuum…
Yay, grass growing through cactus. Big news night. On a side note im about to get my chicken choked, donkey slapped, knobb shlobbed, deepthroat horizoned and can anyone help me out with some more???? I will toss some in as we go along
what cross road chicken
Why did the farmer cross the road? He was fucking the chicken.
Why’d the chicken cross the road? To get to the gays guys house. Part 2: knock knock Who’s there? The chicken
A chicken walks into a library… … and goes up to the librarian at the front desk. **Librarian**: *Can I help you?* **Chicken** (stares at her for a minute, then says): *Book!* The librarian is confused, but gives the chicken a random book, who looks happy and leaves. The next day, the chicken returns looking a bit irritated, and returns the book. **Librarian**: *Oh, hi. Can I help you again?* **Chicken**: *Book book book!* The librarian is still confused, but gives the chicken three random books, which it takes under its wing and goes on its way. The next day, the librarian sees the chicken come back to the library again, returning all three books. Before she has a chance to ask anything the chicken clucks: **Chicken**: *Book, book book book, book!* Taken aback, the librarian gives the chicken five more books before it leaves. But the librarian is curious about what exactly is going on here, so she takes her break and follows the chicken out of the building. Eventually, she sees the chicken go into a house, so the librarian sneaks up to the window and looks inside. There, she sees a sick frog, with a cast on its leg, resting in bed. The chicken suddenly comes into the room, gives the frog a hug, and hands over the books it got from the library. The frog then takes a glance at each book, but looks bored and says: **Frog**: *Reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit, reddit*
A man buys a very talkative parrot…. At the pet store the parrot was sweet. He said I love you! and pretty bird. So he bought the delightful little Polly. As soon as he got Polly home, everything changed. HEY COCKSUCKER! the parrot squawked. FUCK YOU FUCKER! But it didn’t end with a few insults. The bird ranted on for hours. He bellowed at the top of his vocal chords, FUCK YOU! FUCKING CUNT! BWAAAAK!! FUCK YOUUOOUUUU!!!! long and loud. The parrot was so loud, the man couldn’t put enough distance between them to escape the noise, and still the parrot ranted on tirelessly. HEY FUCKER! FUCKING COCKSUCKER!! BWAAAAAHK!! FUCK YOOOOOU!!! At 3 AM the man could take no more. Rising from his bed, he stormed to the kitchen where the bird’s cage sat. In a determined motion he snatched Polly by the neck. The bird was livid and screamed in a fury, struggling and flapping. YOU MOTHERFUCKER! FUCKING CUNT! FUCK YOUUOUOUUO! And with that, the man tosses the Parrot into his freezer and shuts the door. Now the Parrot is REALLY mad. The fridge shook as the parrot furiously slammed around inside. FUCK YOOOU CUNT! MOTHERFUCKER!!!! FUCKING MOTHER…… And then suddenly as though a switch was flipped, silence.. The man was now worried.. Had the Parrot died so quickly? Did it pass out from stress? Was it shagged out from its prolonged squawk? But then the Parrot spoke. Excuse me sir, I’m very sorry about my behavior. I think the stress of moving got to me, but I’m over it now. I’ll behave, I promise.. I love you! Pretty Bird! Peep peep, may I have a cracker. Convinced by the sincere apology and relieved he wasn’t a Parrot murderer, he opened the freezer door. Gingerly the Parrot stepped out, perched on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck. Pretty bird. Pretty bird! Why you’re a good bird after all! said the man. Yes sir! Said the parrot. I’ll be your best friend for life… But may I ask a question, beloved master? You may! Said the man. What did the chicken do?
The Hen Joke Sorry if this is a retread, but I’ve always liked this one… Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall figure standing at the foot of the bed. Who are you?? Dave demands. The figure doesn’t reply. Dave rubs his eyes, and suddenly he realizes he’s no longer in his bedroom. He sees stars, and clouds, and behind the figure he sees an enormous gate a Pearly Gate! Dave gasps. Are you St. Peter? That’s right, Dave, comes the answer. I’m afraid your years of hard living have finally caught up with you. But I CAN’T be dead! I’m too young! There’s still so much I wanted to do! I’m afraid you are, my son. There must be some mistake! There MUST be! Please PLEASE! St. Peter takes a scroll out of his pocket. He unrolls it and studies it. Oh! It seems you’re eligible for a special we’re running this month. You CAN go back, but not in your old body. I can let you come back as let me see ah, here it is. You can come back as a hen. A hen? says Dave. You mean a chicken? That’s right. Take it or leave it. Dave sighs. I guess I’ll take it. There’s a gentle POOF, and a moment later Dave finds himself in a compact little feathered body, sitting atop a box of straw. There’s another hen beside him. Hello, she says pleasantly. You must be the new girl. Yes I guess I am. Well, you’ll be happy here. The henhouse is nice and warm, and the farmer is a kind man. It looks nice, says Dave. But I have the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach. Oh, that, says the other hen. That means you’re about to lay an egg. Surely you’ve done that before. No, I never have. Oh! Well, it’s very simple. Just relax, put a bit of pressure down there, and squeeze. Dave does as she says, and after a few seconds of straining, he feels an egg plop into the straw. I did it! he shouts. Good! Simple, isn’t it? Yes and I think there’s another one coming! Again he relaxes and squeezes, and another egg tumbles out. All at once he’s filled with a kind of ecstasy that touches the core of his being. As a man, he never knew how it felt to bring new life into the world. And now he does. He feels a sense of oneness with all the other mothers of the world. He’s a giver of life! Here comes another one! he shouts joyfully. And plop, he delivers another egg. Suddenly he feels someone shaking his arm. Dave! yells his wife. Dave, you idiot! Wake up! You just shit the bed!
Why did the punk-rocker cross the road? He had a chicken stapled to his face.
