Phone call with Comcast When Comcast was broadcasting my internet when I don’t want it to I did the natural thing that nobody should ever do call them The guy on the phone was a nerdy douchebag with a thick accent and I couldn’t understand half the fucking words he was saying . As I kept arguing for him to turn off the broadcast his accent kept getting heavier and heavier to the point when I didn’t even know if he was talking to me anymore. By the end of the 30 minute conversation I done with his ass so do this crazy thing where I pull a switcherooni on my personality and asked him super cordially what his personal phone number was because I appreciated his intelligent arguing and I would love to buy him coffee sometime. Thats how the joke end
A Mini Wheat’s story of success Once there was a Mini Wheat. He always wanted to accomplish something significant in his life, but he felt like he couldn’t, because he was simply a normal Mini Wheat. One day, the Mini Wheat was walking down the street when he saw a frosted Mini Wheat. Wow, the Mini Wheat thought, That guy looks really successful! I wanna be like him! So the Mini Wheat approaches the frosted Mini Wheat and asks, How do I become a frosted mini wheat like you? The frosted Mini Wheat replies, You have to go without eating for an entire day. I can do that, says the Mini Wheat. And he does: he practices his self restraint, and goes without food for a day, and BOOM, he becomes a frosted Mini Wheat. Now the Mini Wheat was more successful than he had ever been, but he wanted more. Out his window, he spotted a strawberry frosted Mini Wheat, and he rushed outside to meet him. Hello, sir! The mini wheat said, You must be really important. How do I get to be like you? The strawberry frosted Mini Wheat replies, You have to go without eating for three days. I think I can do that, says the Mini Wheat. So he puts aside all temptations, buckles down, and fasts for three days. And at the end of three days, BANG, he becomes a strawberry frosted Mini Wheat. Now the Mini Wheat is much happier. He has a well-paying job, a nice house, and he’s even found a girlfriend with which to share his good fortune. But when he’s walking down the street, wearing his expensive clothes and stylish shades, he comes across a blueberry frosted Mini Wheat. Wow, says the Mini Wheat, I want to be like that guy! Just LOOK at how RICH he is! So the Mini Wheat approaches the blueberry frosted Mini Wheat and asks, How do I get to be as amazingly successful as you? The blueberry frosted Mini Wheat tells him, You have to go without eating for a week. That’ll be tough, the Mini Wheat thought, but I bet I could do it! So he stuffs himself with food and then sits around his house without eating for a week. And at the end of a week, BAM, he becomes a blueberry frosted Mini Wheat. Now the Mini Wheat possessed more than he could have ever dreamed. He owned a small company, had a luxurious house, drove a fancy sports car, and was the biggest chick magnet at the bar. And yet he still wasn’t satisfied, so when he saw a chocolate frosted Mini Wheat walking down the street, accompanied by his servants and bodyguards, he had to ask him, How could I become as popular and as famous as you? The chocolate frosted Mini Wheat replied, You have to go without eating for a full month. This was a challenge that the little Mini Wheat was not so sure he could complete. A month was, needless to say, a long time to go without food. But he figured he’d give it a try, because he really wanted to be as important as the chocolate frosted Mini Wheat before him. So, one month later, the hungry and emaciated Mini Wheat finally turned into a chocolate frosted mini wheat. Upon his transformation, the Mini Wheat found himself in a world of unbelievable class. He attended all the fancy parties, he showed up in magazines and TV shows, and his company grew to financial greatness. But there was one level of social status that the Mini Wheat still had yet to achieve, and an opportunity for this presented itself when he spotted a Big Wheat being thronged by people on the street. The Mini Wheat rushed outside and elbowed his way through the crowd to get to the Big Wheat. Over the tumult, he yelled out, All my life I’ve been a Mini Wheat. How can I become a Big Wheat like you? The Big Wheat heard him over the din and replied, You have to go without eating for an entire year. The Mini Wheat’s heart fell when he heard this. Surely he couldn’t go a full YEAR without eating! He would die! But this meant enough to the Mini Wheat that he was willing to try. So once again, he ate all the food he could, and settled down for a hibernation. Six months passed, then nine, then ten…the Mini Wheat was hungry, but he felt like he could make it. Finally, FINALLY, after one painfully long year, the Mini Wheat awoke from his slumber to find that he was no longer a Mini Wheat: he was now, a Big Wheat. Soon, the ex-Mini Wheat became the mayor of the city, a huge figure in popular culture, and his business grew to a global scale. He bought office buildings around the world, and even had a skyscraper to call his home. He had one of his frosted Mini Wheat butlers show him around his new skyscraper, explaining all the services and luxuries at his disposal. Here, you’ll find the movie theater, and on your left is the pool, the butler said. Beyond that is the bowling alley, the spa, and the cafeteria, down at the end. They stepped out into the cafeteria, where different counters all sold different drinks. Any of those drinks you want, you can have, the butler told the Big Wheat. You won’t have to pay for them, but you will have to wait in line. Wow, the Big Wheat said, I can have ANY of these drinks? Whenever I want? Yes, the butler chuckled. He gestured around the room. As you can see, there’s a line for soda, a line for coffee, a line for beer, a line for milk… What about Punch? The Big Wheat asked. I like punch. It reminds me of all the fruity flavors I’ve gone through to reach where I am today. The butler glanced around the room for a moment, and then shook his head. Im sorry, sir, he said, There’s no punch line.
Men Vs Women Driving to the office this morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over inm my lane, still working on that makeup. It scared me (I’m a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver,which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins , ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers.
The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs. The man chose the latter. He died.
Good news, bad news A man was feeling ill and went to the doctor, and the latter said he needs tests before determining what’s wrong, and told him to comeback in a week A week passed and the man came to the hospital, and the doctor told him: I have good news and bad news The bad news is that your treatment will take some time The good news is that you will go down in history, as a new disease will be named after you
Blue Town A man is driving through an unfamiliar country and his car breaks down on the side of the road. He desperately needs help to repair his car so he starts walking and eventually makes it to a town. This is Blue Town where everything is blue. The people are blue, the fire trucks are blue, the roads, the houses, even the mail boxes were blue. that last bit wasn’t really that unusual, but the point is this is Blue Town. The man finds a Blue Diner and asks the waitress where the local mechanic is. She tells him that he is out for the day and his shop is closed. But if he high tails it to Red Town, he might find a mechanic there. He does just that. He gets in a blue taxi straight to Red Town. There, everything is red. The water tower is red, the buses are red, the people all wear red and have red hair, the stop signs, fire engines and hydrants were all red. Which again, is not that weird. But you get the idea. Again, he finds a Diner(red), and again asks the local waitress about a mechanic. he gets told that the mechanic is held up in the hospital due to a problem with the pneumatic lift of his breaking his right shin the day before. And since he is the sole mechanic, the shop is closed. the waitress directs him to Purple Town. He goes to Purple Town and gets a very similar story but no mechanic. He goes to Yellow Town, Green Town, Maroon Town, Taupe Town and even Plaid Town, but gets no help at all. Finally he sits down at the diner located in the center of Brown Town. Inside the diner, he spies 5 guys sitting at a table, 4 of which were eating cornflakes. Exhausted and hungry, he asks the waitress for a cup of coffee and some french toast. She obliges and hands him his food 15 minutes later. Afterward they have a torrid affair, 2 illigitimate children and spend the rest of their lives sniping at eachother over child support. Now: What is the moral of the story? 4 out of 5 people prefer cornflakes.
The three doors of Hell A man dies and finds himself in Hell. He’s greeted by a demon who says, Welcome to Hell! I’ll be helping you find where you spend the rest of eternity. To put it simply, you can choose one of three doors. You will be able to see what is behind each door, then make a choice. Simple as that. The man realizes he obviously can’t say no. He’s in Hell. So he follows the demon over to the hallway with three doors. The demon opens the first door, where people are tied to spits and slowly being roasted over roaring fires. The man thinks it looks rather painful, and says, I don’t think I could do this… Let me see what’s behind the next door. The demon takes him to the next door and opens it. In the middle of the room is a huge table with a gigantic, delicious feast with every food and drink imaginable covering the table. The people are thin and starving, chained to the walls so that they are just out of reach of the feast. The man shrugs and says, I might be able to go with this. Let me just see what’s behind the third door, just in case. The demon takes him to the third door and opens it. The people inside are waist-deep in shit. But as they stand there in the shit, they are all drinking coffee. The man says, Actually, I’m going with this one. This is doable for me, no problem. The demon ushers him to step in, closing the door behind him. The man wades over to the coffee table and gets himself a cup of coffee. After he takes his first sip, the demon in charge of the room comes in and shouts out, Okay, coffee break’s over! Back on your heads!
Climbing the latter to success forever…. This is one of my favorite jokes, because its also a life lesson in disguise….also I must admit that I heard it somewhere so I don’t take any credit for it!! Also, its my first time writing a joke!!! So a man dies and is on his way up to heaven. As he is assending in the clouds he stops on one of the clouds and there is a really ugly woman with yellow teeth and saggy breasts wearing some disgusting torn clothes and smells horrible. She says: Stay here and have sex with me now, or climb the latter to success forever The man doesn’t hesitate and climbs the latter that leads him to another cloud. This time there is a woman who is normal looking. Better than the first one, but still nothing special. She says: Stay here and have sex with me now, or climb the latter to success forever The man looks up and decides to climb the latter again. He arrives at another cloud and finds an attractive woman. She has pretty hair and a nice smile and her body type is curvy with a great ass. Again she says: Stay here and have sex with me now, or climb the latter to success forever The man looks at her and thought for a second hmmm since they are getting more attractive, let me continue. So he goes and climbs the latter and arrives at another cloud. There he finds the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. a rocket. a bombshell. a 12/10-. Nice big natural breasts, an amazing body,perfect hair and beautiful eyes. She looks amazing and smells wonderful. Aboslutely gorgeous!!!! (you get the picture) Once again she says to the man: Stay here and have sex with me now, or climb the latter to success forever This man is dumbfounded. He is practically drooling and is hard as a rock. He looks up and sees that there is one more cloud. He is like wow, if this girl is hot i wonder how amazing the last girl would be since they are just getting hotter and hotter. So he went on his way, excited to see how hot the last one would be so he climbs the latter. At the last cloud he is shocked to see and old fat, hairy smelly disgusting looking guy. He is naked with his dick in his hand , fully erected and says to the guy: Hi, I’m Cess 😉
Cricket Joke I remember this joke from years ago, It might not be totally accurate but I tried my best to repeat it: A man is sitting in the waiting room of the hospital while his wife is giving birth. After a while, the doctor comes out and says You have a beautiful baby boy, but we think there may be another one on the way . So the man sits back down and continues waiting. Some time later, the doctor comes out again and says It’s a girl, but there looks like there’s another one in there , so the man gets another coffee and continues waiting. This repeats three times over, and the man eventually goes down the street to the bar. Between drinks, he calls the hospital where they confirm more and more babies. At one point, people in the bar hear a scream of horror before the man collapses on the floor. Another patron grabs the man’s phone to hear the cricket commentator saying: And the final score is 99 all out. And the last one was a duck
A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral job. He was still very shy and unconfident, having recently graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his class. His first appointment was to visit one of his members that supposedly was very ill and needed cheering up. This was his first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously rang the door bell, and heard her call out come in . He stepped inside the door, removed his hat, and walked toward the part of the house from which he heard the voice. Seeing the elderly woman relaxing on the sofa, and noticing the thread bare material and sparse furnishings in the house, he quickly, silently, asked the Lord for help. On the beat up old coffee table in front of the couch, sat a small clear dish about half full of peanuts. As he sat there talking to the lady, he nervously started eating the nuts, and as he rose to leave, he realized he had eaten every one. Knowing she probably didn’t have any more, he was embarrassed and apologized, and told her he would quickly return with a whole large can. Naw, that’s alright, she replied, in her toothless voice. I couldn’t chew them anyhow, and I’d done sucked all the chocolate off them, and I sure hated to see them go to waste.
Don’t get pulled over in Eastern Europe Ivan gets pulled over by traffic police, so he tells them the usual sob story about how he’s very poor, he can’t pay the ticket etc. etc. So at first the cops are like okay give us some money, we’ll make it go away. Ivan though won’t back down and tells them how he’s been laid off recently from the banitza factory, his mother in law is trying to convince his wife to divorce him and take the kids away etc. etc. So the cops relent and ask that he only buys them a couple of coffees from the nearby shop to warm themselves. So Ivan goes to the shop and happily asks for two coffees, and the shop owner says: Are they for the two policemen out front? and Ivan says Actually, they are! so the shop owner says Okay, that will be 20 euro.
[NSFW] Their Honeymoon So, There is a man and his wife on their honeymoon and he slips a shoebox under the bed before they ‘get down to business’. ‘Now honey,’ The husband says, ‘Whatever you do, don’t open that box. You must not, under any circumstances, open that box’ The wife thinks this is a strange request, but ignores it and they start enjoying themselves. 21 years on, and her curiosity gets the better of her. So she goes up to their room and finds the shoe box still under the bed. She opens it and finds three beer cans and a wad of money. She takes the box down to her husband who is watching football and puts it on the coffee table, Honey, whats with the box? She asks him. He sighs, Well, since you’ve waited this long, i’ll tell you. Each beer can represents every time I’ve cheated. Ok…3 times in 21 years…I can live with that. But why all the money? Well, thats for every time the box filled up.
onion girl A young woman has a vagina that smells terribly like onion. This makes her sentimal life very hard as she is too ashamed to start a relationship. One night at a club, she overhears a conversation: a cute guy tells some friends he had an accident, and cannot smell anything anymore. The young woman sees an opportunity, she seduces the guy and bring him to her place. The boy engages in oral sex. A minute latter he remarks: — Wow, your vagina smells terribly like onion. — How can you tell if you can’t smell anything ? — Indeed but I can’t stop crying.
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trained elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: Where would you like to put this tree fat man? And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Jehovah’s Witness Sunday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when i heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ? With nothing else going on I said, Come in and sit down. We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, What would you like to talk about? The young man replied, Beats the shit out of me, I’ve never gotten this far.
Airplane open mic. Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers. I’m Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight. After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, I would really like a cup of coffee, and a blow job. The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, Don’t forget the coffee!
What’s black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist bastard.
Basic Foods My girlfriend has been getting canker sores, so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, Have you been eating many acidic foods lately? She said, Yes I’ve been eating a fair amount of tangerines everyday. The doctor replied, I recommend more basic foods in your diet. Try to have at least one Pumpkin Spice Latte a day.
Nudist colony Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony? A- It’s not hard. Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A- The one who can eat the last donut.
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Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank coffee before it was cool.
Nearing the end of a long flight, the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now. The co-pilot chuckles and says Better yet, I could use a blowjob. The main Stewardess embarrassingly realizing the mic was still on runs up the isle to inform the pilot to turn off the intercom. Just as she is about to enter the cabin a man stands up and says, Hey honey, don’t forget the coffee.
So a wealthy Texan’s son is getting married… …and his son asks if he can give his deceased mother’s ring to his bride. His father is all for this, and someone suggests that he have it appraised for insurance purposes. The father has a lady friend who is a professional appraiser, so he invites her to look at the ring. She agrees, and says that her fee will be a supper at a very nice Dallas restaurant. After dessert, they are lingering over coffee; he presents the ring to his friend, she opens the box and takes out her jeweler’s loupe, carefully examines it for awhile… …puts it back in the box and returns it to him… …and at the next table, someone exclaims, My God, I’ve heard these Texas women were picky, but THAT takes the cake!
Worst dad jokes are emoticons Had a group message with family and my sister wanted to go get coffee. So my dad sent this *$ Enjoy
Viagra and Appetitie A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee? He declines saying, It’s this Viagra, he says, it’s really taken the edge off my appetite. At lunch time, she asks if he would like something, A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk? Again he declines. No, thanks. It’s this Viagra, he says, It’s really taken the edge off my appetite. At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes ? Once more, he declined saying, Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite. Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!
11 Things that you should never say to anyone, no matter what. With all the 10 things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman , 42 things you should never say to your single friends , 13 things you should never say to a martial artist posts blowing up news feeds lately I thought I get at something we can ALL relate to. I know you’ve heard these.. and I know that you’re sick of them ALL 1. Wow, that color looks great on you! Seriously?? my physical appearance is so horribly disturbing to you that you had to resort to the color of my SHIRT to find something nice to say?! Next time do us both a favor and keep the compliments to yourself, thanks. 2. I’m going to dinner tonight, what restaurant would you recommend? THE LITERAL HELL! This one really gets under my skin. I get it okay? I can’t cook, so yeah, I eat out a lot. That doesn’t even begin to come close to being any of your business. And it certainly doesn’t make me the top authority on local hot spots, so have some respect. 3. Are you going to the staff meeting? Umm… yes. Unlike the parties that you clearly assume I’m never invited to, I was in fact invited to the staff meeting. I am indeed staff. 4. I’m so glad you came this is nothing more than the adult equivalent of a participation ribbon. 5. How do you take your coffee Yes, please let me give you this information so that you can take it and use it to judge me. We all know that you only want to hear my answer so that you can tell me that I must not realllyy like coffee since I don’t drink it black. Drink your black coffee all day for all I care. Well here’s a news flash for you… no one cares if you drink black coffee. It doesn’t make you better than me, and I’m fairly confident that hell isn’t currently filled with poor souls who enjoyed a little cream in their coffee, so don’t condemn me just yet my friend! 6. How was your trip? The only thing more nauseating than this question is the fake little smile on your face when you ask it. 7. Did you do something new with your hair? There’s something different about you! Nobody uses the word different in this context unless the word that they actually want to use is worse . If you meant better you would say you look amazing! or wow, stunning! . Here’s the thing you said neither of those things. I will now spend the rest of the day (or week) regretting whatever decision it was I made that is clearly so awful that you felt the need to so inconsiderately comment on. 8. Can I get the recipe for this? It’s delicious! This leaves me to draw one of only two conclusions: Either you honestly did like the dish, but you never want to invite me anywhere ever again where I could personally make and bring it again for you, or you’re throwing me a pity card, which you may think makes you look like a great hostess but come on you aren’t Martha Stewart and you aren’t fooling anyone. 9. Can I buy you lunch Clearly you’re either hitting on me or you think that I can’t afford to feed myself. I can think of absolutely no other reason why you would ask me this. 10. That’s a great idea! You know what?! It probably was a great idea. It wouldn’t be the first one that I’ve had and it most likely won’t be the last, so don’t patronize me with an over-exuberant exclamation about my thought’s merit like I’m your poor adopted puppy from the bad streets of Harlem or something. And while I’m on it, consider one more thing: even if my idea was the most ridiculous thing that’d you’d ever heard… I wouldn’t care. Even if, for the sake of argument, I’d suggested that I might shave my head this weekend, dye my skin army green and quit my job to become a dolphin trainer, that would still be wait for it none of your business. And finally, now that I’m good and riled up, I’ve saved the most offensive for last. It is none other than: 11. Hi I guess the extra syllable in hello would just be too much for you?
How to tell if someone doesn’t crossfit With all the 10 things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman , 42 things you should never say to your single friends , 13 things you should never say to a martial artist posts blowing up news feeds lately I thought I get at something we can ALL relate to. I know you’ve heard these.. and I know that you’re sick of them ALL 1. Wow, that color looks great on you! Seriously?? my physical appearance is so horribly disturbing to you that you had to resort to the color of my SHIRT to find something nice to say?! Next time do us both a favor and keep the compliments to yourself, thanks. 2. I’m going to dinner tonight, what restaurant would you recommend? THE LITERAL HELL! This one really gets under my skin. I get it okay? I can’t cook, so yeah, I eat out a lot. That doesn’t even begin to come close to being any of your business. And it certainly doesn’t make me the top authority on local hot spots, so have some respect. 3. Are you going to the staff meeting? Umm… yes. Unlike the parties that you clearly assume I’m never invited to, I was in fact invited to the staff meeting. I am indeed staff. 4. I’m so glad you came this is nothing more than the adult equivalent of a participation ribbon. 5. How do you take your coffee Yes, please let me give you this information so that you can take it and use it to judge me. We all know that you only want to hear my answer so that you can tell me that I must not realllyy like coffee since I don’t drink it black. Drink your black coffee all day for all I care. Well here’s a news flash for you… no one cares if you drink black coffee. It doesn’t make you better than me, and I’m fairly confident that hell isn’t currently filled with poor souls who enjoyed a little cream in their coffee, so don’t condemn me just yet my friend! 6. How was your trip? The only thing more nauseating than this question is the fake little smile on your face when you ask it. 7. Did you do something new with your hair? There’s something different about you! Nobody uses the word different in this context unless the word that they actually want to use is worse . If you meant better you would say you look amazing! or wow, stunning! . Here’s the thing you said neither of those things. I will now spend the rest of the day (or week) regretting whatever decision it was I made that is clearly so awful that you felt the need to so inconsiderately comment on. 8. Can I get the recipe for this? It’s delicious! This leaves me to draw one of only two conclusions: Either you honestly did like the dish, but you never want to invite me anywhere ever again where I could personally make and bring it again for you, or you’re throwing me a pity card, which you may think makes you look like a great hostess but come on you aren’t Martha Stewart and you aren’t fooling anyone. 9. Can I buy you lunch Clearly you’re either hitting on me or you think that I can’t afford to feed myself. I can think of absolutely no other reason why you would ask me this. 10. That’s a great idea! You know what?! It probably was a great idea. It wouldn’t be the first one that I’ve had and it most likely won’t be the last, so don’t patronize me with an over-exuberant exclamation about my thought’s merit like I’m your poor adopted puppy from the bad streets of Harlem or something. And while I’m on it, consider one more thing: even if my idea was the most ridiculous thing that’d you’d ever heard… I wouldn’t care. Even if, for the sake of argument, I’d suggested that I might shave my head this weekend, dye my skin army green and quit my job to become a dolphin trainer, that would still be wait for it none of your business. And finally, now that I’m good and riled up, I’ve saved the most offensive for last. It is none other than: 11. Hi I guess the extra syllable in hello would just be too much for you?
A Man has a strange disorder. Whenever he gets worked up, he sweats coffee. He really can pore the coffee.
A woman walks into her house.. A woman walks into her house and sees her husband sitting in what is now a newly and fully furnished living room. She says to him, you were just supposed to buy the couch, what did you do?? Then out of no where a cableman walks into the house and says with time warners reliable internet for only 14.99, you can afford the furniture. Everyones happy then the husband kicks his shin into the coffee table. His shin hurt.
Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
Starbucks coffee and Adam Hills. Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You’re going to get it, but its going to be rough. Adam Hills
The two whales. In the latter part of the 19th century two whales were swimming along in the sea. Otetiani, a boy whale, and Orenda, a girl whale. As they swam along they saw in the distance a whaling ship. Upon seeing the ship Orenda became very nervous knowing that the ship meant death for her and Otetiani if they did not sound (dive deep) and swim away as fast as they could. Orenda spoke to Otetiani, Otetiani! We must leave here, sound deep and swim away, lest these men come and take our lives for oil!. To relieve Orenda’s fears Otetiani began to speak, explaining a strategy he had come up with to deal with the whale boats. It would allow the whales to again be the masters of the sea. Our size and mobility are our greatest assets. Otetiani said. We can take great breaths, then exhale as we swim underneath the whaleboats. It will cause a great turbulence in the water, sinking the whaleboats and leaving the hunters individually adrift in the sea; they will no longer be a threat. Orenda, being a clever whale herself realized that this was no more than an adaptation of their bubble net feeding strategies. Otetiani, surely you are wise, and with our combined efforts we shall surely prevail. so they agreed to defend themselves from the whalers in this fashion. Taking great lungfuls of air they stealthily swam underneath the whaleboats and began to exhale. The whalers were confounded as the boats sank swiftly into the roiling sea. Giddy with the success of the strategy Otetiani spoke to Orenda saying, Orenda! Quickly! Let us now devour the hunters as they founder in the sea. They are helpless and we can destroy them so they can never hunt our kind again! Distressed with the change in Otetiani’s plan Orenda quickly replied, Otetiani this is not how we should behave! I agreed to the blowjob but I am not swallowing seamen!
An awkward Freudian slip Two guys were chatting at work during a coffee break and the first one started telling about his morning: *Oh man, I said a horrible Freudian slip at the lobby* he started. *What do you mean by Freudian slip* the other asked. The first guy goes on: *well, I was rushing to the elevators and there was this gorgeous busty woman already in the elevator. I meant to shout ‘could you hold the lifts for me please’ to her but I accidentally shouted ‘could you hold the tits for me please’. So Freudian slip is when you accidentally slip something like that* . *Ah, I understand!* the other guy said with a realization. *I was having breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the sugar, my dear?’ but I accidentally said ‘you have ruined my whole life you filthy bitch’* .
How did the hipster burn his tongue? he drank his coffee before it was cool
I can tell you’re single A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart: * a carton of eggs * a quart of orange juice * a head of romaine lettuce * a 2 lb. can of coffee * a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, I can tell you’re single. The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that? The drunk replied, Cause you’re uglier than shit .
Hot Breakfast – An old couple celebrate An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. Just think, the old man says, we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago. Well, the old lady snickers, what do you say — should we get naked? The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. You know, honey, the little old lady says slyly, My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago. I’m not surprised, replies the old man. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
I used to work at a call center that marketed phones to OLD people… Got so bored and sick of dealing with old people I started classifying them… Seniors, we love em and interact with them every day. With this in mind, lets take a look at the different types of seniors we meet. I’ve had the chance to speak with many types of seniors while working at a call center, here is a list of a few of em… Senior Lonely. These seniors tend to call in around the holidays or weekends. They talk to you as though you are a long lost friend not caring about the fact they don’t know you. Be prepared to listen to all their senior related problems. Senior Heavy Breather. These seniors, whether mean or nice tend to breathe really heavy on the phone. Most don’t realize it and most won’t do anything about it if you tell them. Be prepared to put them on hold a lot to give your ears a break. Senior Fat Fingers. These seniors tend to be angry at the world because it seems JUST too small to put their finger on. Be prepared for such things as this phone won’t dial correctly Or these buttons are too small!! There really is no remedy for this other than suggesting a pencil and a magnifying glass. Most of these seniors suffer from arthritis Senior Grumpy: These seniors call in grumpy and require much attention to detail to win them over. Mostly the issue they call about can be traced back to either not knowing how to, or forgetting what they did do Senior Happy: These seniors are happy and can almost be counted on to tell you how wonderful life is. Whether on vacation 50 times a year OR happy your service is cheep these seniors will add a smile to your face. Be grateful for them!! Senior know it all: These seniors seem to know the answer before even giving you their account number. These seniors will use antiquated or nonsense terms like Digital analog to describe a cell phone they were shown just yesterday and how its better than the GSM phone you provide. They will also argue and demand 100% Proof that the .25 cent call made from their phone was indeed Made from their phone. Be happy they don’t have your home address Senior Frisky: If you are a desperate agent you might wish these seniors were 25 years old, as they tend to want to flirt with you. This stems in part from loneliness and well .. friskiness!!!. Most are harmless flirt types but just watch out for Senior Hard core!! Senior Hard Core: These seniors Stress Everything they say. If they are angry, they stress that to you verbally. If they are flirting, they stress that as well. Everything to the extreme. They can turn a small thing into a huge problem. Be happy for the times they stress how glad they are to have talked to you.. Senior Stumper: These seniors can vary from innocently making a point or backing a newer rep in the corner with an obscure point as to why they should get a credit or not pay their bill. Most can be disarmed by looking over their bill. The rest will continue to try to stump you on everything they ask with regards to their account. The best defense is a good offense, just have a polite game plan. Senior PMS: These seniors seem to almost always wake up on the wrong side of the couch or call in with a back ache from falling asleep in the lazy boy chair while watching A Lawrence Whelk special. Most will be moody and short tempered and sound slightly slobbery when calling in. Just be nice and straight to the point when helping them. Senior Quote: These seniors never say anything on their own, they must always quote others or obscure things that someone else has told them. Most of the time it takes a little coxing to get their issue resolved. Be sure to always give them correct information, least they quote you to the next rep. Senior Blame Others: These seniors live by the motto Why blame yourself if you can blame others . In dealing with these seniors, be sensitive and follow their lead. Just point out the mistakes (the other person made) and correct them but be sure to say the other person should have told you blah blah. Be happy and positive with these seniors. Senior Long talker: These seniors will talk until out of breath and turning purple. They will carry a conversation that would normally take 5 minutes to a whole day if they could. You must be firm in dealing with these seniors. Be sure to assist them but be firm and to the point. You will need to keep them on track with issue at hand. These seniors will gladly offer free lectures!! Senior inquisitor: These seniors are almost always on the high horse. Sitting high and talking down to you. These seniors think they have everything already worked out and are just testing you Waiting for you to give the wrong answer. Trick is to not be wrong. Senior Show off: These seniors love to remind younger people that although they are no longer young, they have a fancy home, yacht and a car you can only dream of. Most of these seniors are harmless unless they feel threatened that you may have more than them. I’ve found the best way to diffuse these seniors is to go along and stoke their ego by saying Great, You earned it Senior No Clue: These seniors really have no clue and are not afraid to admit it. Unlike other seniors who get embarrassed, these seniors openly admit they need help. Be happy when helping these seniors, they really need it. Senior Dispute: These seniors call just to argue. It does not even have to be about their service. They call just to pick a fight and dispute what ever you tell them. the world if round or The sky is blue no worries, they will dispute that as well. These really is no pleasing them. Just concede the point and get off the phone asap. Senior Instigator: These seniors will start off the conversation peaceful enough just to hide their true intentions. They will usually insult your intelligence in order to start a problem. Be it a true fact or some made up point, they will insult you to no end or until they are too tired to carry on. Just take what they say with a grain of salt. Senior Whinny: These seniors almost always originate from New York or Kentucky. They will almost always start off the conversation whining about how bad the service is and how they have a bill due. There is no advice I can give on these senior types as it tends to be location based. Senior I didn’t do it: Sorry I did not make that phone call, I don’t know who did . These seniors will almost always deny their actions and will always demand proof. The best way to deal with them is to call the number they said they did not dial and find out it was a call to their grandson Senior Super security: These seniors will always refuse to give the last 4 digits of their social security number. Even though they gave it to you to open an account. They will offer 101 excuses as to why they should not give it. Just politely remind them its needed to access their account. It may take 30 minutes of reminding them The longest recorded incident was almost 55 minutes!!! Senior wisdom: These seniors are always wonderful to assist. Towards the end of the call they will generally change the subject and offer some friendly advice, which for the most part you can use in your daily life. Great people are always wonderful to talk to. Senior Techno Babble: Cell phone becomes mobile communications device and Car charger becomes mobile power charging device for phones. Whether a different longer way of saying it or a senior made up word, these seniors pride them selves on knowing what’s what. No sense in correcting them. If you do, they may become Senior Grumpy: Senior Political: Whether getting angry with Roosevelt raising taxes or actually talking about politics in this decade, these seniors will never hesitate to share their political views with you. They take pride in themselves that they have a captive audience to spout politics to. Just don’t say anything, pretend it’s a bad dream Senior Indirect: You hardly every get to talk to these seniors. They always have a son or daughter call in to take care of their business. When verifying the account you can always hear them in the background feeding needed information to their children to give to the rep. In some rare cases the children may get upset or tired and ask to have you talk to their parent. When directly addressing Senior Indirect be sure to be supportive of their needs. Most of the time it’s to cancel service. Senior Tough Talker: If words were muscles, these seniors would be about 15 feet tall and weigh 900 pounds (full muscle) Usually when reps don’t do something that Senior Tough Talker wants they will threaten to call the Attorney general, alert the FBI and call Homeland security because of the 25 cent charge on their bill. Don’t feed into them or be scared, just patch them to a supervisor. Supervisors make more money than you for a reason. Senior No Fair: Any time you have a special for new customers Senior No fair Will call in. Be it a free phone case or 10 dollars less on your first bill, these seniors will call in and demand the same treatment and discount. There is so few of these seniors its actually a good thing to just give it to them. Senior Quizzer: (special Senior) This is a name of a senior I dealt with. She questioned every little aspect and was quite rude. She would quiz me on things I told her earlier in the conversation. Grab a note pad and take notes because Senior Quizzer is most likely doing the same. Senior Credit Fisher: These seniors are usually long time customers and only call in with minor problems. This is just the lure though; most of the time they play it out like a huge issue. My phone is broken (rep) Please hold red button down (Senior) Oh it works now I need a credit for this though Senior Credit Fisher will try or say anything it takes to get credit on their bill. If it’s small just give it to them and save yourself a headache Senior Health Talker: Whether it’s the Boils on the bottom of their feet to the violent bowel movements they experience after eating out at a Mexican restaurant. These seniors will never hesitate to tell you about it. Some senior heavy breathers have been known to talk about health issues when confronted about their heavy breathing. Senior Shaken voice: These seniors will talk in a very shaken voice. They may sound like Senior Helpless or Senior Indirect but these seniors don’t mind being upfront and confronting their issues head on. Nor are they helpless. They are quite harmless to deal with. Senior Fixed Income: These seniors live month to month and have no qualms about letting you know that. Typically they can just be good honest seniors looking to save money or a Senior Credit Fisher in disguise using fixed income as an excuse or ploy. Most of the time it’s just an honest senior looking to save money. Senior Old Speaker: These seniors will use old terms like That’s Trick or don’t be a square Another one is when they say they had to pay two bits Old speakers tend to think about the past and don’t care much for today’s way of saying things. Old speakers are generally harmless, and don’t mind taking the opportunity to tell you how much two bits is in todays speak. Just assist them using normal talk. Senior Rusher: You would think the way these seniors rush you through the call they had a hot date at the senior center dance meet. No worries, these seniors are determined to stay active, healthy and young. Don’t take it personal; they do that with everything in life. Just pace yourself and help them out. Senior Squabbles: These seniors put up mild arguments about things ranging from their monthly statement to when they used the phone last. Senior Squabbles are typically weak willed and just simply like to argue in a mild manner. Just roll with it Senior Life Story: These seniors tell some of their life stories. Whether it’s something interesting or something along the lines of what they did to their Aunt Sally pet bullfrog back in 1934. You can always count on some interesting story that has nothing to do with why they called in. Some of their stories are actually neat to hear Senior Freebie: These seniors are excellent at sniffing out any free offers they can come across. Almost all conversations will lead to getting something free. Unlike Senior Fixed Income & Senior Credit Fisher these seniors just want something free. They can be rich or poor it does not matter. Offer them a free pamphlet with our newest merchandise. Senior Fancy words: Senior fancy words likes to at least 2-3 old time words per conversation. They pride them selves on knowing such words and often enjoy telling you what that means. Most of the time they give a slight pause to let the word soak in and see if you know what it means. The best remedy for this is to have Google at hand. If your quick enough you can give a quick response with the meaning of the word. This usually throws Senior Fancy words for a loop and they will quickly end the conversation. Senior Braggart: Unlike other seniors who brag about very specific things, these seniors will brag about almost anything. Killed a stray rat with my walker to bragging about how they found a new way to deal with junk mail, these seniors will be sure to let you know!!! Senior No credit: These seniors have spent their entire life using cash and have no built credit. Sadly when it comes time for a credit check they won’t pass. I always hated telling these seniors that I could not open an account Senior Whiz: These seniors first off know just about everything about their service. They know their mobile numbers, rate plans and billing cycle. They even know how to dial AAA using the quick dial. They usually call in to go over things they already know just to impress you on how great of a customer they are. Chances are Senior Whiz will remember who they dealt with last Senior Clarification: These seniors require clarification on everything you tell them about their plan. They also tend to call in weekly or Bi Weekly for further clarifications on what they are signed up for, monthly cost etc. These are our bread and butter customers who keep us busy!!! Senior Check up: These seniors sort of display behaviors associated with Senior Indirect: and Senior Insecure: However they have no problem dealing directly with you. The main thing that sets these seniors apart from other seniors is they will always call back and ask that rep if the last rep did what they wanted. Most often confirming what the last rep did or said will end the call, however Senior Check Up can very quickly become a Senior Instigator if they feel in a rotten mood. No advice for you on these seniors except make sure you notate the account and do exactly what you told them you would do for them. Senior Feel Sorry for me: These seniors play the victim and put on a sad act. Their act is to make you think they need to cancel. Most of the time they will manipulate a conversation and try to make you feel like you are the one that backed them into a corner to quit service. They give pauses hoping you will save them with phone credits or free stuff. These seniors usually call back and speak to another rep to restart service for a few months before repeating the Feel sorry for me cycle. Really you can’t help them as this may happen to 1 in every 50 seniors!! Senior Favorite Rep: These seniors feel as though they have built a reputation with a certain rep and thus by only speaking to that rep will in turn receive better service or special breaks ie: credits, special rates etc. Nothing short of a miracle will get Senior Favorite Rep to talk with a different rep. I’ve found it easier just to get them to whom they want to speak with Senior Rude Behavior: These seniors typically display rude behavior that’s not always directed at the rep. Be it a senior belch or a slow paced tinkle in the potty, these seniors are oblivious that you can hear what’s going on in the background. Most seniors are nice to you but just display behaviors that are best left in private. Don’t tell them you can hear, they will get embarrassed Senior Ghost Caller: That’s not a prank phone call, its just gramps talking about grandma to his best friend while his cell phone is in his back pocket!!! Seems all them calls he never makes are because he sits on his cell phone. Just note the account for the next rep and hang up Senior Insecure: These seniors require special handling when working with them on their account. They really don’t want the service but they know that as soon as they drop it they will need it right away. They hang on by the thread and are never sure about what to do. Just take them by the hand and make them feel good about their service Senior Multiple Speak: These seniors have a million things racing thru their mind (which I suppose keeps them going) but its when they talk that you can quickly become confused. They tend to ask a question followed by another question followed by a statement followed by another question combined with a statement that often has nothing to do with why they called in the first place. They may be a hassle for you but let them vent it all out than inform them you are not as fast as they are and will need to handle one issue at one time Senior New Age: These are people who have just reached the 65 mark and really are in touch with the goings of today’s society. They may display any of the typical senior behaviors but are more confident when doing so (with the exception to senior indirect and other timid senior behaviors) Just usher these new seniors in and be nice.. Senior Denial: If these seniors lost 1 year for every time they denied their age they would be about 50 years old. They sometimes flex their voice to sound younger and hate giving their Date of Birth for credit checks and such. NOTE: If a senior Denial gives the last 4 of the social but not the Date of birth you can be sure it’s a Senior Denial and not a Senior Super Security!! Just follow the rules for credit checks Senior My Way: These seniors almost always try to buck the system using their own methods and reasoning. You are always expected to go along with their way of doing things. Whether its them saying they paid ahead and expecting you to agree and confirm with them what they said is true. When really they paid current and past due amount. Just keep repeating in your head I’m not going crazy, I’m not going crazy Senior They Said: This is not to be confused with Senior Stumper or Senior Quote; these seniors have no qualms about making up a full fledge fib. Always quoting that imaginary person they these seniors will say anything to prove to you that what they told them is correct. Just tell them that they was wrong Senior Drama: Forget that grandma Lulu lost gramps to a 20-year-old women. Forget that during the senior dance fest grandma was dancing too close to the DJ!! . These seniors love to cause drama with every breath they take. Typically these seniors are taking care of their grand children because their son or daughter decided it was too hard. These seniors are typically on a fixed income but always manage to get by. They may exhibit behaviors often associated with Senior Low Income or Senior My Way. They will almost always tell you about the grandchildren Senior Smoker: Is that Grandpa or Grandma? I can’t tell!!! Who knows because it’s Senior Smoker!! These seniors are always mellow unless they call before the morning cigarette and cup of coffee. It’s best to get their name first!! Never assume it’s a man or women Senior Identifier: These seniors always get the first word in and always start out by identifying themselves. Rep: Thank you for calling consumer.. Senior Identifier: Hello this is John Smith I have an account with you and I am also a AAA member for 30 years. My address is My home state is Senior Identifier almost always never starts off with the correct information needed ie; Account number or 10-digit cell phone number. Just allow them to babble and act as though it means something, than politely ask for the 10-digit cell or account number. Senior Distractions: Whether its the 24-hour Bingo channel blaring in the background or gramps playing with his false teeth Senior Distractions will always have a distraction for you when calling in. Just try to ignore the distractions and go about helping them. Senior Distractions can sometimes become angry and feel like you are ignoring them Senior Heavy Thought: Forget asking questions, these seniors will ponder for minutes what you tell them. They will use their own logic and reasoning to decipher what you tell them. After several minutes of thinking Senior Heavy Thought: will finally come up with a course of action or request they want you to consider / do for them. Just grab a book while you wait… Senior One Liner: These seniors (typically males) will always have that one line they want to say before the call ends. Most of the time its an opening or closing line. Sometimes it requires the conversation to be lead to a subject where the senior can pop off his or her one line. Senior one liner will feel as though their call went sour if they are not allowed to pop off their one line. Senior One Liners are easy to work with after they have said their one liner Senior call a lot: These seniors call in a lot just for the sake of feeling busy and or important. Not really having a good reason to call they often can be spotted checking their minutes or going over their rate plan. They typically call in 2-3 times a or1-2 times daily.. Senior Call a lot is easy to work with most of the time Senior Vocabulary and phrases that will help you understand senior speak. Mobile Communication Device: This is senior techno babble for Cell Phone. Let me think about this: A senior’s way of saying I don’t get my social security until the 3rd of the month. I did not make that call: This is a senior’s way of saying I don’t remember making that call My phone is not old, I’ve only had it 5 Years: This is a seniors way of saying My phone should not warring down until its physically broken OR I hate the thought of having to buy another phone These buttons are too small: A Seniors way of saying, My eye sight is poor OR I have big fingers and can’t dial numbers correctly I did not use the service that month: In Senior speak this means I should not have to pay since I did not use the phone I’m a long time customer: This means I expect good service and any special discount you haves My phone is broken: This could mean anything from I don’t know how to turn my phone on and am embarrassed to admit it OR I don’t know how to call out but this is my indirect way of asking for help . I don’t call my self: (when being asked for the 10-digit cell number) This is senior speak for I can’t remember my cell number because I never use it This instruction Book you sent is worthless: I don’t know enough about my cell phone and am hinting at needing help with my phone I’ll get my grandkids to help me with this: In senior speak this means, I am still not understanding you and need to see how to do this OR I am tired and want to get off the phone I need to return this phone: most commonly this is the senior way of saying I want to cancel service I need go over my bill: Another senior way of saying I don’t understand why my bill is this much OR There’s numbers on here I don’t remember calling but I am too embarrassed to admit I can’t remember so I am going to deny I made these calls Seniors are sure a mixed lot that requires special treatment, when dealing with seniors remember that they over all have a right to be respected and their issue handled. How you handle the issue depends on the senior type. With this senior spotting guide I hope you can spot the different seniors and know ahead of time how to handle them.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
Irish funeral A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? My wife’s. ”What happened to her? She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her. He inquired further, But who is in the second hearse? The man answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. Can I borrow the dog? The man replied, Get in line.
Cappuccino in Starbucks I ordered a cup of cappuccino in Starbucks. I received a cup and went back to my office. At my office, I realized it was just hot milk. I went to Starbucks again to complain to the clerk. Me: It is just hot milk but I ordered cappuccino. Clerk: Because cappuccino is just hot milk. I’ll make cafe latte again, sir.
Steve the Mailman Steve the mailman is retiring and was making his last route. The first house he stopped at a little boy ran up and hugged him. The Boy’s father then handed Steve an envelope full of money and said I hope you have a good retirement my old friend The second house he stopped at, an older couple opened the door and said I heard you liked golf, so we decided to get you a new set of clubs. Steve took the clubs and thanked them and went on his way At the final house on his route a beautiful woman opened the door grabbed Steve and told him she had a gift for him. They went up to bedroom and Steve had the best sex he’s ever had. The next morning Steve went downstairs to the smell of bacon and eggs. He sat down and started eating and it was delicious. He looked over at a cup of coffee the woman just laid down in front of him and noticed there was a dollar taped to it. Puzzled by this he asks the woman You know, that sex was amazing, and this breakfast is delicious, but I need to ask you, why is there a dollar taped to my coffee? The woman laughs and says Well, the breakfast is a gift from me, but yesterday I asked my husband what to get you for your retirement and he told me Fuck him, give him a dollar .
Topical Jokes for 10/21 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) NASA scientists are preparing for a mission to Mars by spending eight months in Hawaii. After eight months in Hawaii, the scientists will then go on a well-earned vacation. …the Hawaii mission will help astronauts practice doing tequila shots while wearing those giant helmets. Wal-Mart has announced they will begin offering checking accounts to customers. The checking accounts will give Wal-Mart customers the opportunity to learn about negative numbers. …expect delays as customers with Wal-Mart checks borrow a pen, find out today’s date, and of course, ask how to spell Wal-Mart . In a contest by Lays, Americans voted against Cappuccino-flavored potato chips. One American said the idea of coffee-flavored potato chips was disgusting, while sipping cold coffee that tastes like a pumpkin. A new Taylor Swift song on iTunes turned out to be eight seconds of static. It’s already being called her best song ever. …sure eight seconds of static isn’t great, but wait’ll you hear the remix. The United States accidentally delivered an airdrop of weapons to ISIS. To show their appreciation, ISIS re-attached a decapitated prisoner’s head.
Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. As they sweated, they noticed their supervisor leaning on a fence, enjoying his coffee. How come he’s up there and we’re down here? asked Bill. I dunno, go ask him! . Bill climbed out and marched over to the supervisor. Hows come you’re up here sipping coffee and we’re slaving away? The supervisor looked at him. Bill, let me show you. I’ll put my hand on this post, and you try to smash it with your shovel, ok? Bill took a mighty swing, but the super moved his hand and Bill hit the post, nearly jarring the shovel out of his hands. That’s why I’m up here and you’re down there. Now back to work! Bill climbed back down. What did he say? asked Carl. I’ll show you. Bill looked around for a post, but seeing none in the ditch, put his hand on his face. OK, try to hit my hand with your shovel…
Hell A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says no, let me see the next room. In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, I pick this room. Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!
Eternal Punishment A man falls in love with a beautiful woman. The next day, he accidentally does something to offend her. So, unknowingly, he goes to bed. When he wake sup it is dark, and damp, and he is chained to the ground. He sees giant faces light up in the sky. The faces speak: You have fallen in love with a goddess, then done something to offend her. You have 2 punishments: Either never see her again, or suffer through punishment for the rest of your life, and be forced to marry her. The man, knowing that he would never give up an opportunity to marry her, says that he would rather go with the latter punishment. With that answer in mind, the gods chop off the man’s genitalia.
How did the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the hipster… Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the hot coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
Topical Jokes for 10/16 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Joe Biden’s son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, Do you have any left!?! New York has selected yogurt as the state’s official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt. In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has been declared the world’s tallest. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but this could be the cow that can actually jump over the moon. Starbucks has announced the Starbucks for Life contest, which will give winners a free cup of coffee every single day for thirty years. You probably won’t be dead in thirty years, but after they take away your free coffee, you’ll sure wish you were. President Obama is considering appointing an Ebola Czar. It’s the first government job that requires a three-piece hazmat suit. In Chicago, a man on the run from police tried to escape by blending into the Chicago Marathon. Police picked the man out easily, because he was the only runner who wasn’t from Kenya.
20 years A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What’s the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. Yes I do she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love? Yes, I remember, said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’ I remember that too she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…… I would have gotten out today.
I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic… but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7
