What’s the point of having wings if you can’t fly? Michael Smith wrote down *what’s the point of having wings if you can’t fly* and it sparked a philosophical ruckus. Everyone was so amazed by this line because it perfectly described how people rarely reach their full potential. When Michael was asked what inspired him to write this famous line, he replied, I don’t know dude, I’m just a turkey .
A turkey was chatting with a bull… A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy. Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. **Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.**
Why do so many American tourists end up in eastern Europe? They get Hungary so they go for Turkey.
Jared Fogel walks into a Subway for lunch. The sandwich maker asks What kind of sandwich would you like? Jared responses I would like a Turkey sub. The sandwich maker asks What type of bread do you want? Jared responses I want it with Italian Bread. The sandwich maker then asks What size do you want it? Jared responses I want my sandwich like I want my women. The sandwich maker says Okay, one 6 inch turkey sub with Italian coming up.
I recently got addicted to this new only chicken diet Guess I’ll have to go cold turkey if I want to stop.
What’s a large bird hiding in the bushes called? A lurkey turkey.
Three blondes arrive at the gates of St. Peter There’s a lot of openings in heaven, so St. Peter decides to give them an easy test. He says to them, If you can tell me what Easter is, you can come in The first blonde says, Easter is that time in November where we eat turkey and are really thankful! St. Peter was surprised by this, but nevertheless he looked at the next blonde. Easter is that time in December where we celebrate Jesus’ birth! she said. St. Peter was blown away. He looked at the last blonde, who said , Easter is that time in the spring when Jesus dies and is laid in the tomb but then comes back to life. St. Peter was just about to congratulate her on making it into heaven when she continued: Yeah, when he comes out of the tomb, if he sees his shadow, that means there’s going to be 6 more weeks of winter!
Easter joke Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter? The blonde replies, Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff… Wrong!, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, What is Easter? The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog. St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, What is Easter? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, I know what Easter is. Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously. Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out…and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
Easter Joke Three men are waiting for Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven. St. Peter arrives and tells them they can enter Heaven but first he wants to ask them a question. He looks at the first man and asks what is Easter? . The man says, That’s easy. It is when you put up a tree and put presents under it and Santa comes…. Saint Peter interrupts him and says No, that is not Easter. He looks at the second man and asks What is Easter? The second man says, That’s easy. That is when your family comes over you cook a turkey and give thanks… Saint Peter interrupts him, No, that is not Easter. He looks at the third man and asks What is Easter? The third man says, That’s easy. That is when Jesus rose from the dead… Saint Peter interrupts him, Stop! You two pay attention. Now please start over. The third man says, That is when Jesus rose from the dead, and if he sees his shadow, we get six more weeks of winter.
I had to write a Geography Essay.. We had to write about a topic, so I picked Kenya solve world hunger with charity? . I wasn’t quite sure if I had a good paper, so I asked Jordan and he helped me Czech my work. We only had a week to Finnish the paper, so I spent the night working, eating nothing but a spare Turkey leg. I was so Hungary. I handed in the paper and my teacher seemed happy. Edit: I got my paper back, the teacher thought it was good, I got Denmarks out of 15.
Thanksgiving Poisoning A woman was arrested on Thanksgiving for trying to poison Mick Jagger and Keith Richard’s Thanksgiving Day Turkey. When asked for the charges the officer replied, Trying to kill two stones with one bird.
I was Hungary… …So I Russia down the stairs, made a Turkey sandwich and had a chocolate Malta for dessert.
Chickens are Illuminati As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What’s on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda’s names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati.
Child interpretation (NSFW) One night the kid woke up and heard his parents fighting the dad said you bitch and the mom said you bastered and the kid said mommy daddy what does bitch and bastered mean? Thinking quickly they said it means ladies and gentleman. So the next night the parents was feeling a little horny and the dad says nice tits and me mom says nice sick and the kid heard this and the kid ask what does tits and duck mean? Thinking quickly they said it means hats and coats no go back to bed. The next day the kid had to use the bathroom and open the door hitting his dad’s elbow and he cuts himself shaving and said oh shit. Daddy what does shit mean. Thinking quickly he said it’s the saving cream I’m using no go see what you mom is doing. The mom was in the kitchen cutting the Turkey and cuts her finger and said oh fuck. The kid says mommy what does fuck mean? Thinking quickly she says it means I’m cutting the Turkey. Just then the door bell rings and the little boy answers the door. Welcome all you bitches and basterds hang up your titties and dicks dad is upstairs whipping the shit off his face and mom is in the kitchen fucking the Turkey.
A guy walking down the street finds $20. A man is out of town on business, walking down the main street of a town he is very much unfamiliar with. As he passes by and is taking in all the sights he finds a 20 dollar bill on the ground. The man is happy with his luck and decides he will walk into a random shop and see what he can get with the money he found. He walks into a shady looking place and asks the man behind the counter, what can I get for 20 bucks? Ohhhh well for $20 you can get our house special and come in back and fuck a turkey Why would I EVER want to do that? the man asked It is by far the best sex you’ll have, guaranteed or your money back, replied the shopkeeper. The man contemplates for a while but decides he will spend the $20 bucks, it was free after all. After 15 min the man comes out from the back and is the happiest he has ever been, screaming and shouting how it was the best sex he’s ever had and how he’s coming back with MORE money. He leaves the shop and an hour later returns with $50. What can I get for $50? the man asks. The shop owner says oh well we have a deal of the day, spend $50 dollars and look into our magic telescope, it will let you see amazing things! So the man pays the $50 and looks in the telescope to find he is watching two extremely attractive women having sex. Oh wow! That’s amazing the man says. That is the greatest thing I have ever seen The shopkeeper replies I don’t know, about an hour ago I convinced some guy to pay me 20 bucks to fuck my turkey
Thanksgiving Vulgarity! The morning of thanksgiving I was getting ready for breakfast when I heard noises from my parents bedroom. O baby, your penis feels so good, O baby your vagina is soooo tight! I asked a little later Mom? Dad? What’s penis and vagina. O It just means coat and hat. Later while watching my dad shave he cut himself. SHIT! Dad what’s shit? O, it just means shaving he replied. I made my way downstairs and heard my mom yell fuck as she cut herself whilst carving the turkey. What’s fuck mom? O, it means carving the turkey. Just then the doorbell rang. It was the entire family and friends that were coming over for dinner. I answered the door saying hello you can hang your penises and vaginas over there, my dad is upstairs shitting and Mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
I’m Hungary Timmy: I’m Hungary, Mum: Why don’t you Czech the fridge. Timmy: OK I’m Russian to the kitchen. Mum: Hmmm.. may be you’ll find some Turkey. Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck! Mum: There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy: I know, I guess I’ll just have a can of Chile Mum: Denmark your name on the can. Timmy: Kenya do it for me? Mum: OK, I’m Ghana do it. Timmy: Thanks, i’m so tired Iran for an hour today Mum: It Tokyo long enough. Timmy: yeah Israelly hard sometimes…
With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask. If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?
One day… …a boy hears his parents having this huge arguement, so he eavesdrops on them the moment the mother called the father an ‘asshole’ and the father called the mother a ‘bitch.’ Being a confused 8 year old boy who had never heard these slurs before, he asked his parents about their meaning, and the parents, not wanting to teach their kid curses at such a young age, told him that they meant ‘ladies’ and ‘gentlemen,’ respectively. The next day, the parents are busy engaging in rough, sensual coitus, with the kid, of course, eavesdropping. The mother yells give me your dick! and the father replies your pussy feels so soft! The child inquired as to what these words mean post-intercourse, and the parents, unbeknownst to them that the boy eavesdropped, casually told him that they meant ‘hats’ and ‘coats.’ The next day was thanksgiving, so the mother was preparing a turkey, she was cutting open the turkey when she accidentaly cut herself, so she, of course, yelled out ‘FUCK!’ The curious boy once again asked what this word meant, and the mother replied that it was the act of stuffing the turkey. Soon, the boy went upstairs to use the bathroom, and the father was there shaving his beard when he accidentally cut himself as well, so he naturally yelled out ‘SHIT!’ You can guess what the boy asked, and the father replied that it meant the shaving cream around his face. An hour later, guests arrived outside and the kid went to answer the door. Upon seeing the guests, he greeted them the best way he knew how. Hello bitches and assholes! Put your dicks and pussys in the living room, my parents will see you shortly, my mom is busy fucking the turkey and my dad is wiping the shit off his face!
John’s last fart Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up, always in her direction. He would hold it back and build all the pressure he could stand, then let it fly, making all the noise he could. One day the wife told him that his blasting habit could eventually result in him blowing his insides out. He laughed at her, letting go with another popper to accent his amusement. Disgusted, she decided to make her point another way. While preparing a turkey to bake, she had an idea. She saved the guts from the turkey and set them outside for a couple days to ripen. The she got up early one morning, and warmed the ripe guts to body temperature. She took them to the bedroom where John was still sleeping and dumped them right beside his ass. John came out a bit later, white as a sheet. He was walking carefully and keeping his cheeks pinched tightly. He carefully sat down and said, Nellie, you were right and I should have listened to you! I cut a big one this morning, and my guts blew right out my ass! He was scared and on the verge of tears. Nellie said I warned you! What are you going to do now? John said well- I’m just hoping it will be all right. With the grace of god and a curtain rod, I got them all back in .
A child walks in on his parents having an argument A child walks in on his parents having an argument and he hears You bitch! and You bastard! He asks, What does that mean? . His parents, not expecting the question, answer They’re other words for ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’. The child later walks in on his parents having make-up sex and hears Nice tits! and Nice dick! He asks, What does that mean? His parents answer It means ‘coats and hats’. The next day is Thanksgiving. The father is in the bathroom shaving when he cuts himself with the razor and shouts Shit! The child overhears and asks What does that mean? It’s the brand of shaving cream that I use , the father replies. Downstairs, his mother is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when she cuts her finger with a knife and yells Fuck! . What does that mean? the child asks. His mother, impatient and in pain, replies, It means ‘Stuff’, okay? . Just then, the doorbell rings to announce their guests for dinner. The child opens the door to greet them and says: Hello, bitches and bastards. You may leave your tits and dicks by the door. My parents will be with you shortly: my dad has shit on his face and my mom’s fucking the turkey!
NSFW. The guy in charge of artificial insemination at the turkey farm… is collecting turkey sperm like every other day when he turns to see one of the male turkeys approaching him. The turkey stops at the man’s feet, looks up and calls out: Turkey: Gobble, gobble Man: Piss off! You’re getting a handjob like the rest of them .
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to reheat the leftover turkey from last night’s NYE dinner. I told her I quit hot food, cold turkey
My dad’s addicted to christmas dinner But he’s been cold turkey every meal since.
Turkey thawing father and son banter This isn’t a joke so much as banter between my father and I this Christmas. Dad: I don’t think the turkey is thawed. I bet if we stuck a meat thermometer in there it would be… Son: -273 Kelvin? Dad: Absolutely!
My wife’s inappropriate Christmas dinner joke Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll. My lame joke: > Maybe I just like flat breasted turkeys. Wife looks down at her chest: > Well now I feel self-conscious… Wait, is that why you always turn me face down? Everybody starts roaring with laughter and her dad turned bright red. Edit: Woah this blew up. I am coming to the realization that the wife is funnier than I. No, on second thought, not possible. Also, thanks for the gold whoever you are! Now to google what to do with reddit gold.
I used to be addicted to deli sandwiches …but I quit cold turkey
The Middle East Where you have to chose between a genocidal dictator or an extremist mob. (Well, except Turkey; they got it mostly together)
One day, Johnny overheard his parents fighting…. … Later, he asked What does bitch’ and bastard’ mean? They explained that they mean lady and gentleman. The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked, What does penis’ and vagina’ mean? His parents explained that they refer to hats and coats. At supper the next day, Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, fuck! Johnny asked what that meant, and she said, It means cut.’ A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!
Daughter Meets Her Dad A young girl of a single mother came to her one day and said, Mom, I’d really like to meet my dad. She thought about it for a moment and replied, You know what, you’re right. I think you’re ready. Her mother walked into the kitchen, came back and handed the girl a turkey baster.
[Request] ErdoGollum Jokes I need to think of something funny ErdoGollum would say in regards to elections or Turkey. Thanks in advance.
How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving? He’s Russian to Turkey.
Obama had to phone Putin to arrange a meeting. They concluded they would meet over Christmas to arrange peaceful measures of retaliation in the current crisis. Worried about the food, Obama asked: What are you having for Christmas dinner, Putin? I think I’ll have Turkey. replied Putin.
I suggest we all go to Russia for Christmas.. They’ll have fried Turkey
Thanksgiving Jokes…….. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy answered, No ma’am, they’re dead.
If Russia invaded Turkey If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, will Greece help?
What do chicken, beef and Russia have in common? They are all against Turkey
Make sure you get your ham early for Christmas… Because thanks to Putin there will be no Turkey left.
What’s the best way to kick a habit today (day after Thanksgiving)? Cold turkey.
Obama asks Putin, What will you have for Thanksgiving? Putin: Turkey
Who celebrates thanksgiving in Canada? All the turkeys that made it across the border.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. All the turkeys that made it across the border.
I’m Hungary I’m Russian to the Czech the kitchen Maybe you’ll find Turkey It’s covered in Greece D: Eww, Norway your going to eat that I think I’ll settle for a can of Chile I want some Chile too! Denmark your name on it Kenya do it for me All right I’m Ghana do it Thanks, Iran 5 miles today, so tired
Give a man a fish, and he’ll ask for a lemon; teach a man to fish and he’ll leave work early on Fridays. I’m Russian to the Czech the kitchen Maybe you’ll find Turkey It’s covered in Greece D: Eww, Norway your going to eat that I think I’ll settle for a can of Chile I want some Chile too! Denmark your name on it Kenya do it for me All right I’m Ghana do it Thanks, Iran 5 miles today, so tired
If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers… you need to quit cold turkey.
Soviet Russia turkey Apparently in soviet Russia turkey shoots you
What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving
What never eats at thanks giving? A turkey. Because it’s always stuffed.
