Redneck murders are hard to solve. Never any dental records and all the DNA’s the same.
Strange Redneck Nick Name The redneck family down the street always called one of their boys Ant Eater and I could never figure out why. So one day they had a party and I was invited, so I stopped by and finally asked, Where did Ant Eater get that nick name . With out a pause Ant Eaters brother said Oh because he slept with our Aunt, and apparently he was good with his tongue. So we call him Aunt Eater!
A female gorilla is alone in a cage at a zoo… … She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks: Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars? The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions. First! He says, I don’t want to have to kiss her. Understood? Yes. Says the zookeeper. Second! The janitor says, I don’t want anyone to know about this! Alright says the zookeeper, And what’s the third condition? I’m going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars.
Two rednecks decide to go to college… Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. What’s Logic? the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater? I sure do. Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor. That’s real good! says the redneck. The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house. Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin! And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife. That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously catching on. Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor. You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logic class!! The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. So what classes are ya takin’? asks the friend. Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck. What in tarnation is logic??? asked his friend. Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater? asked the first redneck. No, his friend replied. Fag.
A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game,… looked over to his star player and said, I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play. The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two? The player thought for a moment and then he answered, Four? Four?!? the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, Come on coach, give him another chance!
What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
Arkansas Redneck Sex Two rednecks are chugging beers in a Little Rock bar. One sheepishly asks the other, So, do you ever cry when you have sex with a new woman? The other says, All the time. It’s the pepper spray .
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it until she’s fourteen.
How many rednecks does it take to eat a ‘possum? Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.
What’s the difference between a redneck, and a SJW? A redneck’s trigger actually does something
How can a redneck tell when their sister is on her period? When their father’s dick tastes like blood
How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart? By taste.
This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: You ain’t from around here, are ya… where ya from, boy? The guy says, I m from England. The bartender asks, What th’ hell you do in England? The guy responds, I m a taxidermist. The bartender asks, A taxidermist… now just what th’ hell is a taxidermist? The guy says I mount animals. The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, It s OK boys, he’s one of us!
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because it ain’t murder if they had it comin’!
What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise? Punishment.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.
What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pumpkin.
Why did the redneck cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.
What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.
What is a redneck einstein? A redneck that knows not to fuck relatives
How do you circumcise a redneck Kick his sister in the chin.
What do you call a female redneck who is faster than her brothers? A virgin
Another Parrot Joke So this redneck goes to the pet store. Darn good afternoon! he says when coming in. Good afternoon answers the shop owner. Ay wan-ta buy ayy parrot says the redneck. Sorry, you…you want to… what..? asks the shop owner. Ay done said ay would like ta buy ayy parrot answers the redneck. The shop owner realizes that the redneck wants to buy a parrot and says Well, we have this one here on sale . Darn good! how much it cost? asks the redneck. 2,500 dollars answers the shop owner. What? That there’s ayy lot av mowney. . ! Why is that there so? asks the redneck. Because I speak better than you, a–hole! answers the parrot.
What is the difference between a Texan and a redneck? Texans tend to ride horses whereas rednecks ride their cousins. -American Sniper
What are a redneck’s last two words before dying ? WATCH THIS !
I’m not redneck! I’m from Texas! We ride horses. They ride their cousins.
I started teaching rednecks Spanish Se habla espan ya’ll
How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw
What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? ya’ll watch this!
Why does a redneck find his cousin more attractive than a stranger? Because it’s all relative.
How does a redneck mother know her daughter is on her period? Her son’s dick tastes funny.
What’s a rednecks favorite part of archaology? Relative dating
What’s the best part about a redneck family fight? The makeup sex
Why did the redneck high school cancel driver’s ed class? They needed the car for sex ed.
What did the redneck say to his sister? Oooh yeah, baby!
Dating a redneck The only thing worse than the friend zone is the family zone. But when a redneck says she loves you like a brother, its go time.
Where y’all from? A redneck is walking on the beach. He comes across two beautiful college girls. The redneck says, Hey, where y’all from? The two girls reply, Yale. The redneck then yells, HEY, WHERE Y’ALL FROM!?
How can you tell a redneck girl is a virgin? She can run faster than her brother.
Dirty jokes 1. what do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor 2. why is there no black character in monopoly? Because he’ll always get sent to jail. 3. What comes after 69? Cock. 4. what’s the difference between an autistic boy and an ADHD boy? Nothing, RETARD! 5. What do you call a penis? Do you have a better name for the baby. 6. why did michael jackson die? because he saw his daughter die. 7. why did the pedophile drive slowly past the school? Because it said slow down. 8. Why is there no black card in uno? Because instead of shouting out UNO! they’re gonna shout out N***ER! 9. How do boobs get more views on youtube instead of XXX.com? PEDO ALERT! 10. Why didn’t the world end on 2012? Because there were more women then men. 11. Women suck! (oral sex joke) 12. Yo mommas so fat when she has sex, it’s like throwing a football down a well. 13. why are penises banned from tv? who knows whats going on behind the screen. 14. Why aren’t there women zombies? Because they dont have the rights to kill anyone 15. what does a baby look like after a minute in a microwave? I dont know i close my eyes while I ********** 16. whats the worst thing about being a pedophile? trying to fit in. 17. what’s the difference between your job and your wife? your job sucks. 18. how many cancer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the others to talk about how inspired they are. 19. what you call a bunch of dead ebola patients? who cares, they’re not american. 20. Why didn’t stevie wonder go to school? because he couldn’t see his math problem. 21. why are female dogs called bitches? Because they love to sleep with every male dog. 22. why did helen keller’s dog run away? because his name was fhgvjvjbbhhnvhvy. 23. a husband lets his wife go to a party to fundraise for a charity, 20 minutes later the husband comes to pick her up and the husband says how did you do? and the wife says I got $250 and the husband says what asshole gave you $250? and the wife said all of them! 24. how did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying.
The Edmonton Oilers 1. what do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor 2. why is there no black character in monopoly? Because he’ll always get sent to jail. 3. What comes after 69? Cock. 4. what’s the difference between an autistic boy and an ADHD boy? Nothing, RETARD! 5. What do you call a penis? Do you have a better name for the baby. 6. why did michael jackson die? because he saw his daughter die. 7. why did the pedophile drive slowly past the school? Because it said slow down. 8. Why is there no black card in uno? Because instead of shouting out UNO! they’re gonna shout out N***ER! 9. How do boobs get more views on youtube instead of XXX.com? PEDO ALERT! 10. Why didn’t the world end on 2012? Because there were more women then men. 11. Women suck! (oral sex joke) 12. Yo mommas so fat when she has sex, it’s like throwing a football down a well. 13. why are penises banned from tv? who knows whats going on behind the screen. 14. Why aren’t there women zombies? Because they dont have the rights to kill anyone 15. what does a baby look like after a minute in a microwave? I dont know i close my eyes while I ********** 16. whats the worst thing about being a pedophile? trying to fit in. 17. what’s the difference between your job and your wife? your job sucks. 18. how many cancer patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the others to talk about how inspired they are. 19. what you call a bunch of dead ebola patients? who cares, they’re not american. 20. Why didn’t stevie wonder go to school? because he couldn’t see his math problem. 21. why are female dogs called bitches? Because they love to sleep with every male dog. 22. why did helen keller’s dog run away? because his name was fhgvjvjbbhhnvhvy. 23. a husband lets his wife go to a party to fundraise for a charity, 20 minutes later the husband comes to pick her up and the husband says how did you do? and the wife says I got $250 and the husband says what asshole gave you $250? and the wife said all of them! 24. how did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? satisfying.
My visit to a redneck strip club (NSFW) I was driving through America and I was getting tired so I parked my UHaul at motel and noticed that there was a strip club next door. Being bored and having some time to kill -I went next door and found an empty seat in front of a pole dancer. The guy next to me was this really burly guy with a scar on his face and missing teeth in the front. He was wearing a stained wifebeater tank top and overalls. I was a little frightened of his gruff appearance and I think he could somehow sense it. How’d you like me to buy you a beer? He asked. You are too kind, thanks. I said and we started chatting. He was a bricklayer and an amateur cage wrestler. His name was Billy-Wayne and seemed nice enough, if not scary. And then the announcer shouted out the next dancer Let’s welcome Bobby-Sue to the stage. This five foot blonde bombshell comes on stage and starts spinning around the pole. She was top heavy but very tiny compared to me and my new friend. Billy-Wayne hollered at the girl, slapped me on the back and shouted over the music. What you think about Bobby-Sue? I mean, honestly the girl wasn’t for me. She was way shorter than both Billy-Wayne and myself. I made the mistake of saying the first thing that came to my mind. I bet she has a tight pussy. Billy-Wayne’s smile fell. It was at that moment that I noticed a distinct similarity between him and the gyrating stripper on the dance floor. Beyond the scarred face and the missing teeth -they both had the same blue eyes. That’s my sister, you’re talking about. Oh, shit. Billy-Wayne, I didn’t know. He smiled again. It’s not as tight as her butthole.
Rednecks at the Pearly Gates Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the Christmas spirit, they’re doomed. The first fella easily pulls out a set of keys and jingles them around & says, These are the bells of Christmas! Saint Peter nods and says, Enter! The second redneck looks a little panicked but pulls out a Bic lighter and says, *flick* This is the Light of the World! Saint Peter says, I see what you did there. Enter into your rest. The last fella is in a full on freak out, red faced and panicked. But the light bulb goes on and he reaches into his back pocket and produces a pair of women’s undies. He looks pleased with himself and twirls them around on his finger. Saint Peter says, What in the world does this have to do with the Christmas spirit? The redneck replied, These are Carol’s.
The Alligator Trick A family from (a redneck town of your choice) was traveling to Florida on vacation. They saw a store on the roadside that advertised Alligator Shows. They stopped and waited for the next show. The Alligator trainer started the show by tapping the Alligator on the head with a stick and the Alligator snapped his mouth shut quickly. He then tapped the Alligator on the head two times with the stick and the Gator slowly closed his mouth very softly not making a sound. The trainer unzipped and pulled out his Doogan and put it in the Gator’s mouth. He then tapped the Gator on the head two times with the stick and the Gator slowly closed his mouth and didn’t put a scratch on the man’s Doogan. The trainer then asked Would anyone in the audience like to try this? . Becky stood up and proudly said I would, but just don’t hit me too hard with that stick 🙂
How do rednecks know when their sister is on her period? Their dad’s dick tastes like blood.
A redneck looks at a Mexican right in the eye and says, how does it feel to marry my ex wife and have my sloppy seconds? not bad, replies Juan, after 2.5 inches deep she felt brand new
How do you know a redneck invented the toothbrush? If it where anyone else it woulda been called a teethbrush
What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line? A full set of teeth
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records. Edit: made it to the hot page, my dad would be so proud, if only he knew who i was
What kind of bread do Rednecks like? Inbred
A redneck’s just walkin’ down his driveway mindin’ his own fuckin’ business n’ stuff, you know… When ,all of a sudden, he steps into human shit and exclaims ,under his breath,: **fucking rednecks, man!**
