A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa. The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died. Holy crap thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
A man goes to the doctor… and he says, Doc, my eye hurts when I drink coffee. Doctor says, Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?
A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast… A man and his son are sitting at the table for breakfast. The man takes a sip of his coffee and says Ahh it’s like sex in a canoe. The son asks, Is it any good? And the man replies, No, it’s fucking close to water. My girlfriend told me this one and I had to share it
Coffee Coffee: you haven’t had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it’s running.
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed…. A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa. The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died. Holy crap thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter? He said, I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life. She said, You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
Do you love sex? A guy married his cousin. when they were at their honeymoon, they made sex, she had no idea what was he doing poor girl . when they came back she asked her husband about it, he explaind, after he went to work, she went to the store. while she was coming back she saw a family friend, she asked him to come by to drink a cup of coffee, while they were talking, she asked him, Do you love sex? He said yes, she was really hot tho. Then she said: my husband will be back soon, he’ll fuck both of us.
He is going to drink coffee first dear. aboard a flight pilot comes on the intercom and tells the passengers we are cursing at 36,000 feet plz take your seat belts off and enjoy the flight air hostess start serving drinks.pilot forgets to switch off his mic and says to the co-pilot hey jerry you take control of the plane i am going to drink coffee and then have fun with the hostess when she comes back the hostess starts to panic and runs to the cockpit to warn the pilot about his mic. in her haste she trips and spills some drink in an old lady’s lap.The old lady turns and says there is no need to hurry dear he said he is going to drink coffee first . ps. not mine read somewhere can’t remember where.
Little Jimmy was finding it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve. He was tossing and turning as he tried contain his excitement. He thought he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, but then he awoke as if time had passed instantly. Jimmy jumped out of bed. He heard his siblings doing the same, and raced to beat them to the living room where the Christmas tree was. He came to a grinding halt infront of his parents who were strategically sat infront of all of the presents, sipping their coffees and trying to stay awake. Merry Christmas mum and dad!! Shouted the kids as they ran in for hugs and kisses. Merry Christmas, kids! the parents replied, as they started handing out presents from santa. They all sat in a circle around the tree, and each opened one present together. Mum opened her present. It was a box of Ferrero Rochers and a beautiful candle set. Dad opened his present. It was a brand new tool set and a subscription to his favourite DIY magazine. Jimmys sisters opened their presents. They each received a set of the latest toy dolls and accessories. Finally, Jimmy opened up his present. He got a wind up walking talking robot he’d always wanted. Wow! Thanks Santa! He shouted with all his excitement. As Jimmy inspected his new toy, he couldn’t find a key in it’s back. Mum, dad, how do I wind this up? asked Jimmy, to which his parents replied, It’s easy, Jimmy. Just tell this joke. ..I’m so sorry. Merry Christmas 🙂
Two Syrian refugees land in America… They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done? The other Syrian looks at him and says Shut up Towel Head!
A guy walks up to a girl in Starbucks Hey girl, how would you like to be my skinny vanilla latte? go light on the cream though, that’s for later.
Today is my birthday… I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee. My wife comes in and hugs me from behind. After wishing me happy birthday and kissing me on the neck, she asks if I want one of my presents this morning. I like the way that sounds, so she goes into the bedroom and comes back a minute later carrying a wrapped box. I facepalm and look at her, That’s not quite what I thought you meant. I opened the box to find a lego set inside. Still a win.
A young man was going to be married so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother’s ring. This was fine with the father. The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be supper at a very nice Houston restaurant. They had supper together, and as they lingered over coffee, he produced the ring. She took it out of the box, examined it, put on her jeweler’s loupe and examined it some more. As she put it back in its box and passed it back to the father, a man at the next table said, My Gawd, I heard these Houston women were picky, but this takes the cake!
A day of religious studies A religious studies major is talking with his atheist friend in a coffee shop. The religious studies major is explaining how religion impacts one’s daily life. You may not realize it, but religion has played a big part in your life, too. Your morals are probably heavily influenced by Christian morality, you give gifts to your family in December around a Christian holiday, even the way you *talk* has been influenced by religion! Outraged, the atheist exclaims, Oh my God, are you serious!?
my chilli fart…. went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to Shit yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Walmart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonavabitch’ and quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’ That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband, Mike, died suddenly…. …. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table. Mike, my beloved Mike, she began, I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it? And, Mike, she continued, do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it? Well, Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, there’s that blow job I was promising you.
Do you know what’s black and doesn’t work? Decaf Coffee.
Who is the most popular guy in the nudist colony? The one that can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen doughnuts at the same time. The most popular woman? The one that can eat the 12th doughnut.
A guy walks into a bar… A guy walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of dog shit in the other. He says to the Barkeep Give me a coffee. Waiter says sure, coming right up. He gets a tall mug of coffee and drinks it down, picks up the bucket of dog shit, throws it in the air and blasts it with the shotgun. Then he just walks out. Next day the guy returns. He has his shotgun and another bucket of dog shit. He walks up to the counter and says. Give me a coffee. The Barkeep says, Whoa, buddy. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about anyway? Fella gives a shit-eatin’ grin and says, I’m training for an upper management position. Show up for work, drink coffee, shoot the shit, leave a mess for someone else to clean up, and then disappear for the rest of the day.
A man is walking down the street… And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face. The man walks up and says to her Excuse me, I Couldn’t help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you’ve done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance? The lady responds Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I bareback one of the guys I hang out with. The man says Oh my god, we’ve got to get you on tv! You’ve lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you? The woman says 24.
So I was on an airplane… I was on an airplane, flying out to Europe or wherever, and the pilot had finished making his announcements. Thing was, he forgot to turn off the microphone, so everyone heard what he said to the copilot, which was something like Man, all I want right now is a blowjob and a cup of coffee. Well, the stewardess ran up the aisle to tell him he’d left the microphone on, and as she passed my aisle I said to her, Hey, hon, you forgot the coffee.
Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks, are you sure you don’t want another shot of whiskey? Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says, I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks. The bartender says, see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night. The man replies. no, you don’t understand, chunks is my dog .
A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room … A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction. Years later, the same two professors are in the same staff room when again the coffee machine bursts into flames. This time, the Mathematics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher, hands the extinguisher to the Physics Professor and says : I have reduced the given problem to a previously solved one.
My friend just sent this to me… On a New York sidewalk, an Indian is enjoying a hearty breakfast Coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc While an American, chewing a gum, sat next to him and started an unwanted conversation. American: You Indians eat the whole bread? Indian: Ofcourse! American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) we don’t. We, Americans only eat what’s inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, make these into croissants and sell these to India. American: Do you eat jam with bread? Indian: Ofcourse! American: We don’t. We eat fruits at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, turn these into jam and sell it to India. Indian: Do you have sex in America? American: Ofcourse, we do! Indian: What do you do with the condoms? American: We throw them, of course! Indian: We don’t. In India, we put them into containers, recycle them, turn them into chewing gums and sell it to America! Khaalllaaaaasssss …
A guy and his girlfriend walked into a coffee shop A guy and his girlfriend walked into a coffee shop, The guy felt an urge to pee, as he enters the men’s room, a black guy is holding a gun and asks him to pull down his pants and let him penetrate him or he is gonna shoot. It took a while before the guy walked out of the men’s room. The girlfriend was like what took you so long , he tells he the story. she is like so what happened? did you pull your pants down? the guy said Did you hear a bullet B****
A man was asked if he would rather have a new circular saw or a ladder… He chose the latter.
List Of THE MOST Terrible Jokes i have ever found! Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible! A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know. I amputated your arms! I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam! My house wears clothing you know, it has address! I am so disgusting, even my nose smells. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. WHATS GREEN AND HAS WHEELS? Grass, I lied about the wheels. A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. What’s furry and has wheels? A cat, I lied about the wheels A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, What’ll it be? . The duck doesn’t say anything because its a duck. There’s an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community! Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human. Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease. What did the homeless man get for christmas? Nothing. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face? . The horse replies My wife is dying of terminal cancer . Why did the little girl fall off the swings? She had no arms. Why did the little girl fall off the swings? She had no arms. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I am a dog. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. What has two legs, and is red all over? Half a cat. I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis. A man goes to see the doctor. Doctor everything hurts when I touch it hmm, let me see. Touch your arm, does that hurt? yes doctor. Now when you touch your knee, does that hurt as well? Ouch, yes that hurts too Now if you touch your chest, how’s that? It hurts just as much doctor. Just as I thought: your finger’s broken. What did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck an ear What’s green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you? A snooker table. Did you hear about the brooms? They’re sweeping the nation! Have you heard about that movie Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet. How about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. How about the really constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a calculator. It reminds me of something my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket… He said how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other: Can you smell fish? …and the penguin says, he’s not an eggplant, he’s retarded! A fish is swimming along and runs into another fish. ‘Dumb bass’ the fish mutters. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter What did one Lawyer say to the other Lawyer? Were both Lawyers. Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick. You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
how did the hipster burn his tongue he drank his coffee before it was cool
A tale of two brothers. One brother is 8, the other is 6. One day the 8 year old decides they’re going to be men and start cursing in front of people. They’re up in their room before breakfast, and the 8 year old talks the 6 year old into it: 8YO: Okay, when we get down to breakfast, you say ass and I say hell . 6YO: hehehehe okay. So they go down to breakfast…Mom’s barely awake, hasn’t had her first cup of coffee yet, asks the 8 year old, Whaddaya want for breakfast? The 8 year old looks her dead in the eye, and says, Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios . Mom’s eyes go from half-shut to WIDE OPEN, and BAM! smacks him right across the face, and while the 8 year old is running upstairs in tears, she turns on the 6 year old and says What do YOU want for breakfast??? After a pause, the 6 year old gulped, and said: I dunno, but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios
A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Atheist walk into a coffee shop… and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It’s not a joke. It’s what happens when you’re not an asshole.
A yoga pants owner, an uggs owner, and an iphone owner walks into a starbucks She orders a drink – Pumpkin Spice Latte
I didn’t know you could smell it. A beautiful hot lady sitting next to a guy in a coffee shop. Lady: Hmmm.. You sure smell great. What do you have on? Guy: I have a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it.
A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Athiest all walk into a coffee shop… …and they drink, talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It’s not a joke. It’s what happens when you’re not a dickhead.
The tragedy in Paris has everyone talking… … At least they aren’t complaining about a damn red coffee cup anymore.
A man in a restuarant wants a black coffee… So he asks the waiter, Can I have some coffee please, without any cream? And the waiter says, We’re all out of cream I’m afraid, you’ll have to have it without milk
Knock knock – Who’s there? – Juan? – Juan who? – I guess it takes Juan to know Juan. Bad I know, but I thought of it while heating my coffee and felt obliged to share it.
The Snail Salesman The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out Where did my escargot cargo car go?!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Helpless Dad. A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? No, the woman replies. I work for the IRS.
I like my women the way I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee
I Want A Divorce A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, What are the grounds for your divorce? About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by. No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar, she responded. I mean, he continued, what are your relations like? I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents. The judge took a deep breath and asked, Do you have a real grudge? No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car. Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage? Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it. Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up? Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee. The judge asked, Is your husband a nagger? Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me! Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? Oh, I don’t want a divorce, she replied. I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.
Things you could have done with the 15000 dollars you spent on a timeshare Buy 3000 Foot long sandwiches Commit a heinous act and hire a good lawyer to get you out of it (ie. murder) Go see a movie with 1000 friends Go see a movie 1000 times Buy 1363.63 boxes of name brand tissues to cry in because you don’t have friends to go to a movie with Buy 1 Jet Ski and Fly board water jetpack system Fly between Sydney and Dallas Fort worth 10.74 times Book 50 SUV Limos for up to 3 hours Build 12.5 really nice computers Buy 7500 normal cups of coffee Buy 3000 Starbucks cups of coffee Go see a Matinee with 1666.67 friends because it works better into their schedules Have 18.35 scoops of the worlds most expensive Ice-cream Go see the matinee 1666.67 times because no-one showed up Buy 375.18 crappy Elvis Presley costumes Buy 1 original copy of Robert Lewis Stevenson’s Treasure Island and then buy 342.85 scoops of New York Gelato to eat while you read it Buy 1 tank of gas Buy 9146.34 sharpies Buy 2,542,372.88 canary yellow sticky notes Buy 11.7 wedding dresses Buy 75,376.88 ounces of Cocoa Puffs Turn a car into the Adam West Bat-mobile Buy a Taiwanese Mail-Order bride and spend the remaining $5000 on the wedding Pay off that debt you owe to the strange Russian businessman who helped you out of that murder trial. Fly to Vegas ($118) get a high end hooker (~$5000), Get beat up by the russian mob after being alone with the hooker that was actually a russian mob agent (free) and spend the rest of the money on 49.41 low end vegas hookers Buy a personal Hovercraft Buy a bed that is shaped like a viking ship Buy an original Jumpsuit from ghostbusters and then buy 1 Starbucks coffee Buy a wall sized scrabble board to play with your friends and hire a higher end but not quite, vegas hooker ($3000) to pretend to be your friend while you play scrabble Buy 30,612.24 stamps Buy 27.82 Model 642 LaserMax Smith and Wesson Revolvers to end it all Realize that life is worth living ($200 for either a therapist or a low end hooker, they’ll accomplish the same thing) 75 times Buy 125,000 trash bags to throw away the guns Seeing the sunrise – $priceless on your timeshare $15000
Beggar has a girl friend. A beggar came to a man and ask give me 10 bucks I have to take my girl friend to coffee shop. Man replied WOW A beggar has made a girl friend. Beggar replied NO. Girl friend has made me beggar.
I like my women like I like my coffee I hate coffee
I like my women like I like my coffee Never found a coffee I like the taste of.
I like my women like I like my coffee… I don’t fucking like coffee.
It was a rainy day in California… I don’t fucking like coffee.
I like my coffee like I like my women Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions. Edit: wow, front page with an I like my coffee like I like my women joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
Halloween is the best holiday because you can beat your girlfriend and her injuries just look like costume makeup Purchased cheaply after having been raised in exploitative conditions. Edit: wow, front page with an I like my coffee like I like my women joke. You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
A limerick for Guildford in Surrey At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry I had to act quick To cool down my dick So I stuck it into my McFlurry
Coffee With No Cream A guy walks into a coffee shop. Waitress: What can I get you? Guy: May I get a coffee with no cream? Waitress: Sorry, we just ran out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?
