What’s the difference between an oyster fisherman with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea? The oyster fisherman shucks between fits.
Two fish in a tank Fish 1: uh, Greg? Fish 2: what Fish 1: how do we drive this thing
Fishing Give a kid a fish he can eat for a day. Teach a kid to fish he can eat for life. Give him a fishing rod he can find his dad at the bottom of a lake in Syria
Fishes. What does a fish say when it hits a concrete wall?
What’s the difference between a piano and tuna? You can tuna piano but you can’t tuna fish.
A man comes home to moaning and groaning Curious, the man walks upstairs… **Reader Reaction: UH OH! What’s going to happen here? I can’t imagine it being good news for the man though!** He opens his door and he sees his wife laying there completely naked… **Reader Reaction: Completely naked? Something fishy’s going on here…** The wife screams, Help! Help! I’m having a heart attack! In a panic, the man scrambles downstairs for the phone… **Reader Reaction: Oh my goodness! She’s having a heart att… Wait… Oh dear. I know what’s going on… That’s cruel for the man and a bit snide from the wife there. I hope the man finds out and kicks her into touch! ** He sees his son and his son says, Hey Dad, Uncle Timmy came by earlier and he and Mom have been in the bedroom all afternoon, making weird noises. Enraged, the man marches back upstairs… **Reader Reaction: Hooray! Look out Uncle Timmy because here he comes! This isn’t going to be pretty… ** He marches into the room, opens the closet and sees a trembling Uncle Timmy sat there in the corner, naked. The man screams, My wife’s having a heart attack and all you’re gonna do about it is sit there butt naked in MY wardrobe? **Reader Reaction: Well… I wasn’t expecting that! Maybe it’s the best outcome, no one is hurt and everyone can move on as a family. I just hope this love affair doesn’t continue!**
When you realise your friend is an idiot Stories!? Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says I’m on my way to see my girlfriend . I’m sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.
Here’s a joke for you. Jews don’t recognize Jesus. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope. Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store. This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don’t bring a Baptist; he’ll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you’ll have it all to yourself.
Miracle? They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a Russian prostitute? One has whiskers and smells like fish. And the other is a fish.
Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf… Jesus, Moses & some old guy are playing golf. Jesus hits his ball out into the lake, walks out on the water then chips the ball back on to the green. Moses wasn’t going to be outdone so he hits his ball way the hell out into the middle of the lake; then he parts the water, walks out and then chips his ball back on to the green. The old guy hits his ball out towards the center of the lake; just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in it’s mouth, just as the fish is about to land back in the water, an eagle swoops down, picks up the fish, flys over to the hole; shakes the fish and the ball falls right in the hole. Jesus says Come on dad! stop fucking around and play golf!
Bravest (US) armed service A boat came into town and reminded me of an old favorite: Three Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. They’re trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, he’s immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery!
Teacher: All Idiots Stand Up A boy stand up Teacher: so are you an idiot ? Boy: No I can’t bear you standing alone madam… A boat came into town and reminded me of an old favorite: Three Generals and an Admiral are sitting in the O Club at Los Alamitos JFTB. They’re trying to prove which branch has the bravest men. The Marine General says, We got the bravest. Prove it, say the others. So they hop up to 29 Palms & head out to the range. The Marine General walks up to a Lance Corporal & says, Marine, charge that machine gun! Aye, aye sir! comes the reply. When the lcpl follows his orders, he’s immediately turned to swiss cheese. The Marine General looks back & says, That takes bravery. BS, say the others. The Army General says,We got the bravest. Prove it. So they hop up to Ft Irwin NTC & head for a motor pool. There they find a soldier ground guiding M1A2s out. The Army General walks up to the soldier & says, Stop that tank. Yes, sir! comes the reply. The soldier runs up in front of the tank & is quickly turned into a meat waffle by the tracks. Now, THAT takes bravery! says The Army General. BS, hes told. The Air Force General says, We got the bravest. And I CAN prove it! So they hop down to March AFB & head out to the flight line. Theres an F-15 taxing toward the runway. The Air Force General walks up to a young airman & says, Stop that plane. Will do, sir, comes the reply. So the airman runs out to the runway in front of the plane , gets sucked-up into the intake, and is promptly spewed out of the exhaust as fish food. THATS bravery! says the Air Force General. The Admiral just starts laughing. Navy men are the REAL bravest! Follow me, says the Admiral. So they hop down to San Diego Naval Base & head for a pier with a carrier moored to it. As they walk down the pier, the Admiral spots a pitiful excuse for a sailor, sitting on a fuel can, smoking a cigarette. His Dungarees look like they were pulled out of the refuse. His Boondockers look like they were shined with a hot Hershey bar. He has no cover on. And it appears that his razor ran away from home. The Admiral walks up to the sailor & says, Go change all the lights on the island structure. The sailor notices that the ship is rocking back & forth in the current. He looks at the Admiral & says, SCREW YOU! The Admiral looks back at the Generals & says, Now, THAT takes bravery!
Two Spanish fisherman are boasting about their Biggest catch… my father’s favourite joke. Two Spanish fishermen are relaxing in the *puerto*, and begin to relate to each other their best catches. One goes,’ the other day, I caught a massive *bacalao* that was at least four metres long’ The other fisherman was clearly impressed, and began to relate his story. ‘A few days ago, I was fishing and I caught a motorcycle in the net. But that’s not all, it was an ancient motorcycle from World War 2, and, get this, it had its lights on!’ ‘That’s bollocks’, goes the fisherman. To which the other goes ‘Tell you what buddy, if you remove two meters from your *bacalao* I’ll turn its lights off.’
Three pregnant women… Three pregnant women are sitting on a couch, knitting some baby clothes. After a while the first one stops and takes some calcium tablets. The other two ask her why she took it, and she says because I want the baby to be strong , then continues with her knitting. A while later the second one stops and takes some fish oil tablets. The other two ask her why, and she says because I want the baby to be smart , then continues with her knitting. A while later the third one stops and take some thalidomide. The other two say Are you insane? Why’d you take that?! And she replies with: Because I don’t know how to knit arms.
Mexican fisherman The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, Only a little while. The American then asked, Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said, With this I have more than enough to support my family’s needs. The American then asked, But what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life. The American scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise. The Mexican fisherman asked, But, how long will this all take? To which the American replied, 15 to 20 years. But what then? asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. Millions? Then what? The American said, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.
A little fish uwu Once there was a little fish who wanted to be a journalist, he go on air and died…
