Hot Old Lady A 65 year old guy and his wife are talking about 30 yrs. ago when they first met. He says do you remeber that first night at the hotel and she says yup. he’s eating breakfast and so is she when he says i was so hot for you back then and she says I too was so hot for you then in fact I am still so hot for you my breasts are still hot for you. The guy says well they should be. One’s in your oatmeal and the other ones in your coffee.
Why did the Hipster burn his lip? He drank coffee before it was cool.
A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life… Doctor: Give your husband viagra. Lady: I can’t, he hates pills. Doctor: Just put it in his coffee. Next week she returns, unhappy. Doctor: Was it good? Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there. Doctor: Well, then what’s wrong? Lady: I’ll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again. Posted 1 year ago. by deathmetal27
Why doesn’t Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn’t want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!
A man and a woman are arguing who is supposed to make coffee. The man says, I work and you stay at home, so you should make the coffee. The woman replies, Well, the Bible says men are supposed to make coffee. Really? asks the man. The woman takes out a bible and flips to a page, then says, See? Hebrews.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped the coffee *before it was cool*.
What Did the young programer tell His Doctor About his Bladder Pain. I usually sit too much at work and drink too much coffee and now it hurts when IP.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
A man walks into a coffee shop… A man walks into a coffee shop and orders a large coffee, blue sweetener on the side. On the side? asks the cashier. Yeah said the man. You know, separate but Equal.
Luckiest man alive. A man lost his job, closing in on losing his house. He’s never been married. Or ever in a serious relationship. He has little to no friends and uses alcohol a little too much. So, down on his luck, he gets hammered. Night after night, with no one to console him. He’s brushing his feet against the ground on his home one night and hears a loud CLUNK. He looks down and picks up some sort of ornamental teapot? It has a cool looking design under a coat of ash and dirt so he rubs it off and POOF whaddya know! Out pips a genie. The genie looks down in his glorious fog and says to the man, congratulations! You have awoken azavaad the glorious genie. I shall grant you only one wish for releasing me. So the man simply replies, I want to be the luckiest man alive. And so it was done. The man wakes up in his house thinking he had an awkward drunken dream. But as he looks around his house it has completely transformed! There was a chandelier, a grand piano, candelabras made of gold, and a stack of cash on his coffee table. Wow he thought it worked! So he decides to celebrate. Going to the nearest bar. As he enters sirens go off and balloons and dollar bills and glitter fall to the ground. Congratulations! Says the bartender, you are one lucky guy! You’re our 1000th customer and you get a free bar tab for life! So he drinks himself almost under the table and decides to press his luck at lottery tickets. Well lo and behold he won the max prize on every shitty scratch ticket he could purchase. This continued for months. At the casino, taking home strippers and beautiful women, celebrities inviting him to the best parties. But, alas, he is alone, and steeps into his lonely depression once more. So he returns to the genie. Hey, genie, I wanted to be the luckiest man alive and while I’m grateful our definition of luck may be different. To me, being lucky would be settling down with a beautiful woman and having a family and living a successful and peaceful life. My bad, Says the great asavaad to him, I shall correct this mistake and give you the most exotic woman for you to have for the rest of your life. And again, it was done. He awoke in his awesome new house. Still money and glorious furniture everywhere. So he says fuck it I’ll go get a coffee. As he is leaving with his coffee a woman bumps into him, spilling his coffee everywhere. He looks into her apologetic eyes and sees a beautiful Indian woman. With an accent, shaul, and dot on her head. Beautiful brown skin, dark eyes, and silky long hair. The whole package. She offers to buy him another and they strike up a conversation. And they end up having almost everything in common. They sat at the coffee shop for hours and talked and laughed. They were in love. They went home and had the most romantic and passionate sex anyone has ever had, all night until they fell asleep from exhaustion. They spent every waking minute together. And with his riches he took her all over the world. So one day he proposes and naturally she says yes. They have a small beautiful wedding and a glorious honeymoon with everything he and she ever wanted. They have another round of passionate sex, even better than the time before until they pass out from exhaustion again In the morning the man awakes, and is looking at her beautiful, naked, sleeping body. He runs his hand down her cheek and admires her. He truly is the luckiest man alive. But then, still in her slumber, he notices the dot on her head is smudged. Which is wierd because he’s never seen her without it. So he rubs it a little and it starts to fade away. And then the paint chips off a little so he starts to scratch it. AND THEN HE WON A TRUCK!
Irish Viagra An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor. ‘Not a chance , she said. He won’t even take an aspirin . ‘Not a problem , replied the doctor. Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! Really? What happened? asked the doctor. ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! Why so terrible? asked the doctor, Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good ? ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
my coffee I like my coffee like I like my women. No pubic hair.
Two individuals are in a situation… The two do what they are expected to do until the very end of the scenario, during which the first person figures out that the resultant can be described with some humorous insight. The first tells the second of his revelation, to which the latter replies, let me guess, you read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes . The first, astounded by the second’s greater insight, says yeah, how did you know? The second individual says because I’m about to read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes . This then produced evidence to assume that the individual in question was in fact, a psychic who can tell the future. This discovery ensured that the government would arrive to capture the magical fellow for interrogation, experimentation and lots of torture, to extract all of the abnormality’s scientific value. Then it was realized that the second person was not a psychic at all, but just a person who can predict reddit’s behavioral patterns.
My mother said that I’m indecisive I couldn’t understand where that came from, so I asked people. It’s because you like both dogs and cats said my boyfriend. No, no, no. It’s because she likes both tea and coffee said my girlfriend.
So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven… God says Satan, you’ve betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest. Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide. Easter Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins. One hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it’s a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead. By 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus. By noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately. At 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming. By 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can’t be perfectly formatted. 2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN! Satan is furious. How can this be? He asks. I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too! Jesus taunts Satan. Well I don’t see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off. Your computer was shut off, too! Satan retorts. I guess neither of us win! God, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan’s coding cannot be found, but when Jesus’s computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm. How can this be? Satan snarls. I finished more coding! It should be there! I should’ve won this! Satan, my friend, God says, You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus… Jesus saves.
Two vampire bats were hanging arround Suddenlly the first one states: I’m hungry, I’m going to grab a bite to eat and he flies off. Half an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin. The other bat asks: Did you get your fill? Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way over there? Ahha Well beyond that barn there is a huge herde of cows… an all you can eat bufette So the second bat gets excited and flies off. 45 minutes latter he returnes with a gloom expression and a face full of blood. Do you see that big church tower over there? He asks his friend. Yeah, I see it Well I sure as hell didn’t
The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins… The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side. He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven’t seen each other in years. When the executive gets there he notices that not much has changed since the last time he was there, a long time ago. He is filled with nostalgia and starts feeling better already. They have coffee and chat for a little bit and the executive says he wants to do some farm manual labor to take his head off work and forget about the city life for a while. The farmer says there is plenty of work to do around the farm and the executive can help him. So the farmer tells him to wake up early the next day and meet him at the stable. When the executive gets to the stable the next day the farmer shows him piles of bags and say: – This is all the horse manure we collected for the past 3 months. Your job will will be to spread it over that empty field to fertilize the soil for the next season. Two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do. The farmer is surprised. This usually takes us a whole day! I only planned work for you for tomorrow . So the farmer inspects the field and is astonished the executive did such a good job in so little time. So he tells him to take the rest of the day off and meet him at he chicken coop the next morning. The next morning the farmer says: We got a big chicken order from one of our clients and we have to deliver it ready for processing. Your job will be to cut the chickens head off so we can send them out. Again, two hours later the executive is done and goes to ask his cousin what else he can do. The farmer is surprised now even more. He didn’t think his city cousin could manage farm jobs so well. This usually takes us two days, this is impressive! Meet me at the orange plantation tomorrow morning. The next morning the farmer says: The orange harvesting wasn’t very good this year. We only got this 10 boxes of oranges. Your job will be to separate them in 3 piles, big oranges, medium oranges and small oranges. If anyone is bad just discard it. To the farmers surprise, it’s the end of the day and his executive cousin is still not back for dinner, so he goes to check on him. When he gets there is sees his cousin working out still on the first box, comparing sizes on two oranges, then picking a third one and changing it’s original pile… The farmer is puzzled, screeching his head. what’s the matter? I thought you would finish this in no time The executive looks at him and says: I’m an executive. We are really good at spreading shit and cutting heads. But we really struggle when it comes to making decisions
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I like my women like i like my coffee. I fucking hate coffee.
Blonde A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home! The waitress runs over and says, That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van! The blonde replies, No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home! By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize! Again the blonde says, No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home! The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.
Subreddits appreciating something usually have one of two titles: Xisbeautiful(r/dataisbeautiful) or Xporn(r/earthporn) Let’s just say that r/internetisbeautiful would have a lot more subscribers if they chose the latter
There was a couple that was married 50 years They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the man said to his wife, Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years. Yeah, she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. I know, the man said, We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago. Well, she snickered, What do you say…should we get naked? Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know, honey, the lady breathlessly replied, My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago. I wouldn’t be surprised, replied Gramps. One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
A severely obese man walks into a doctor’s office to get his medical results. He waddles his way into the room before he manages to climb up onto the examination table. The room falls silent while the doctor reads through his file. So we did your blood work and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this…but you have a pretty bad weight problem. The man sitting on the examination table looks at him with a face of confusion as silence fills the room. He finally answers …you realize I know that, right? I’ve been overweight for years. You aren’t telling me anything that I don’t already know. The doctor tosses the man’s file onto his desk before cupping his hands over his mouth in momentary thought. You don’t seem to understand the *weight* of your situation so let me attempt to break this down for you. I have been in practice for almost 15 years and you are literally the fattest man who has ever walked into this office. You aren’t just fat, you are at a level of obesity that I personally didn’t even think was medically possible. The fact that you were able to walk into this office on your own strength alone is a miracle that would make Jesus Christ ask *How’d he do that?* and that guy walked on water. When we did your blood work, your blood sugar level was at 500 which effectively makes you a brand of coffee sweetener. I couldn’t even take your blood pressure with a normal pressure cuff because of how fat your arms are. I had to jerry-rig a cuff out of the spare tire of my Ford F150. Your cholesterol level came back as Land-O-Lakes. My goal is to try and get that to I can’t believe it’s not butter but even that’s a long shot. Your blood was so thick and meaty that we received a call from the blood center asking us why we decided to send them a tube of Ragu to analyze. Are you following me on this or do you need me to give you some more examples? The room goes quiet again as the severely obese man stares at the doctor with a face that is beat red from anger. You know what? I didn’t come in here to be insulted. I came here to get my medical results from someone who I thought was supposed to be helping me. You may think that you’re trying to help me but what exactly are you accomplishing by being such a scumbag about it? The doctor goes silent for a moment before finally responding. I was gonna sugar coat it but I was concerned you might eat me.
My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said I like my men like I like my coffee…. and I fucking hate coffee.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
A man works for a company for nearly a decade without getting promoted He decides that he can either start kissing ass and climb the corporate ladder or he can kill himself. He chose the latter
I wish i had 2 cars. One delorean and some other car. I would usually drive with the latter, and with delorean only from time to time.
The Dancing Cookie There was a truck driver that worked for a cookie company. Each week, he would load up his truck with cookies from the factory and make the three-day-long journey to the buyer. He would unload all the cookies and make the three-day-long drive back to the factory. He’d been working at the company for years, and was quite reputable. One day, he loaded up his trailer and hit the road. After driving for hours, he stopped at a truck stop and inspected his cargo as he normally would, just to make sure everything’s okay. When he opened up the doors, there was a hole in one of the packages! He looked around the trailer and his eyes landed on a cookie, walking around the boxes! The driver couldn’t believe it, but grabbed the cookie, stuffed it back in the box and taped it shut. That should take care of it, he thought. After getting a cup of coffee, he started driving again. When he stopped for the night, the driver thought that he better check and make sure that cookie wasn’t out of the box again. He opened the doors again, saw the broken box and a cookie doing the Charleston! The driver thought he was going insane, but there it was; a dancing cookie. He brought out the duct tape and sealed the cookie back in the box, then went to bed. The next morning, the truck driver woke up a the crack of dawn, thinking that last night’s events were only a dream. After getting a bagel and coffee from a restaurant, he started up his truck and hit the road, jamming to the radio. Once he was fully awake, he remembered the cookie and realized it wasn’t a dream. Slamming on the brakes, he took the nearest off ramp from the highway, swung the trailer doors open. Lo and behold, the cookie box had a new hole in it, and the cookie was leading a one cookie conga line on top! Furious, the driver snatched the cookie up, crammed it into the box, and covered the entire box in tape. Pleased that he wouldn’t have to worry about the cookie again, he kept driving until the sun went down. On the third day, after a peaceful night’s sleep, the truck driver started on the last leg of the journey to the buyer. He didn’t even check the trailer for the cookie, being sure that it couldn’t get through the tape. When he finally arrived at his destination, the driver checked in at the office and backed his truck up to the loading dock. As the unloading staff opened the doors, a small brown object fell out of a box. They didn’t notice anything until they had unloaded a few boxes; one of the boxes was covered in tape and had a hole in it! Thinking it may have been caused by mice, they called over their supervisor. After taking one look, the supervisor called the driver’s company, explained what happened, hung up and spoke two small words to the driver: You’re fired. Devastated, the driver didn’t know what to do. He grabbed the offending box and stepped back into his eighteen-wheeler and sat there for a minute, in shock. Something caught his eye on the dashboard. It was the cookie, doing the moonwalk. The driver didn’t make an effort to put the cookie back into the box, it didn’t matter any more. He drove to the beach, took the box of cookies, and sat at the end of a pier with the cookie next to him, tap dancing. I hope you’re happy, he said to the cookie. You got me fired from a job I worked at for years, a job I was happy doing. Now what am I supposed to do? The cookie didn’t look at him and kept dancing. The driver became madder and madder. You think that’s funny? How about THIS?! He hollered as he kicked the cookie box and cookie off the dock into the ocean. **THE** **END** Isn’t that a crumby ending?
A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee… The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, This coffee tastes like boiled dirt! , and the waitress says, I wouldn’t be surprised, it was ground this morning.
Trump is alot like a Dragon Ball Z villain He has yet to sign his final form! Bahahaahaaa I love coffee
A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend… A couple of years ago I was about to propose to my girlfriend when all of a sudden my friend Joseph came barging through the door, tripping directly upon my glass coffee table, broken glass all over his face. This completely ruined the mood. Now I haven’t known Joe for very long at this point, hell I didn’t even know where he was from, but this put my romantic plans on hold while we helped him through his injuries. Joseph had got glass in his left eye, rendering the eye completely useless. He had to walk around for months with one of those cotton patches on while it healed. Then out of nowhere this bastard just disappeared… With my girlfriend! Apparently through his struggling time after the injuries, they had became very close, they left me behind without as much as even a single note. I tried tracking them down through out the years but I’ve had no such luck. In conclusion, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Heard this one shopping at a mom and pop store. Maybe NSFW Store employee: do you know what slaves and coffee have in common? Me: uhhhhhh. Store employee: They’re free! As he pointed to their complimentary coffee.
A particle physicist met a quark collector… … and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks – the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark. Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their anti-quarks: he caught the ever-fleeting top quark near the last base camp on the Mount Everest, had discovered the appealing Charm quark in a beauty contest in Nevada, only barely managed to escape with the Strange quark from a sect of occult satanists and built his own bathyscape to collect a Bottom quark from the Mariana Trench. He had long sought after the two remaining specimens to complete his collection, but to no avail. So he was delighted at first, but the quark collector was not ready to part with his ornaments. Our physicist first tried to appeal to Rich’s generosity, by pleading him to give him the up-quark. He was however rudely refused. He then tried a different angle: he offered to hire the down quark for a short period (and an outrageous sum of money, let it be said), hoping to appeal to Rick’s greed, but alas. After weeks of pleading, begging, raging and convincing, he sent one final e-mail asking for either the top quark to be given or the down to be borrowed. The next day, he received this email: ‘Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…’
An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her. While sitting through the normal how does that make you feel questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing to return. Giving up and visibly upset, the woman finally got up from the couch and started for the door to meet her husband in the parking lot. The therapist stopped her and went for a bottle in his desk. I shouldn’t do this, but I want to make sure you’re happy and your marriage is happy , he said as he handed here two blue pills, Here, take these Viagras. At breakfast, crush one up and put it in his coffee. I can promise you, his sex drive will go up and all will be fine again! The woman excitingly took the pills, thanked the therapist, and left. The following week, she returned. How did it go? he asked. Well, I did what you said. That morning, I crushed up his Viagra at the counter and sneaked it into his coffee. the woman replied. And? urged the therapist. Well she said, with a smile on her face, he got this look in his eye, and grabbed me and we had some of the best sex in years! . Her smile then went to a blank stare. So are things better now, then? asked the therapist. Yes, I would say so. she replied. But we can never go back to that McDonald’s ever again
Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says You get to choose which place you want to go to. I’ll show you each place today and you can sleep on it and decide tomorrow. So he takes them to heaven and everybody’s sitting on gold jeweled thrones playing harps and singing God’s praises. They both say Oh, this looks good. But St. Peter insists on bringing them to the other place. The Devil answers the door and brings them to a big banquet hall with every kind of food and delicacy to choose from– steak and lobster and caviar and fresh vegetables and fruits. The wine is flowing, and there’s plenty of coke, and there are some gorgeous women who seem interested in the 2 politicians. All their friends are there singing and dancing and telling jokes. Then they leave and go to sleep outside the Pearly Gates for the night. The next morning St. Peter asks Well, which place do you want? They say Well, heaven is a really nice place. But I think we’ll be more comfortable down in hell with my friends. So St. Peter brings them down to hell. The Devil answers the door. There are all these people standing in excrement up to their butts, drinking coffee. Then the Devil says Okay, coffee break’s over, go back to standing on your heads now. The politicians get mad, Why did you deceive us, St. Peter? they ask. St. Pete Says This is the Devil’s place. Talk to him about it. So they turn to the Devil and say That’s not fair. Why did you deceive us? The Devil says Yesterday we were campaigning. This morning you voted for us.
Finding a job is difficult… I started at the orange juice factory but couldn’t concentrate, Being a tailor just didn’t suit me, I couldn’t cut it as a barber, I didn’t have the foundations to be an architect, I just didn’t have enough patients to be a doctor, I felt soleless in the shoe factory, I couldn’t hack it as a lumberjack, I couldn’t keep my eye on the job as an optician, Being an electrician was shocking, Sewage maintenance was just draining, I just wasn’t taking off as a pilot, My spell as a wizard didn’t work, Working at a coffee shop was too much of a grind, I didn’t make the grade as a teacher, I didn’t have the thyme to be a chef, My career as a comedian was a joke, I couldn’t see a future being a historian, And now I’m an archaeologist and my future lies in ruins!
Zoo A guy learned how to make coffee. Every few weeks, he took a plane to Brazil and made a pilgrimage to the mountains to pick coffee beans with his bare hands, grind them with mortar and pestle, and take them home to make by boiling water manually and pouring it through a strainer. One day, while in Brazil to get his biweekly coffee beans, he decides that this ordeal is so tiring that he may as well go to the zoo to blow off some steam. While there, he met an otter. He spoke to the otter, and complained about how hard it was to make coffee, and the otter shook his head. You don’t need a plane ride every few weeks, and you don’t have to do it yourself. You can get coffee beans from the store at home. The otter explained. The man was amazed and returned home and lived life well, a significant and difficult portion of his life made much easier. A few weeks later one of his friends spoke to him. I can’t take it anymore. I hate flying to Brazil and paying for airfare, and I hate the backbreaking work it takes to pick the coffee beans. The man shook his head knowingly. No, no, no. He said brightly, It doesn’t have to be that hard. Really? Yeah. I know an otter way.
A man and a penguin Drinking his coffee a police officer watches a man walking down the block with a leashed penguin. He goes outside to confront the offender. Take that penguin to the zoo or you’re going to jail We are on the way now Uninterested in the penguin ruining his car, he let the man go on his way. The next day the man walked by with no penguin. Baffled, he confronted him again. Where’s the penguin I thought I told you to take him to the zoo? I did. Well then where the hell is he now? Still there protesting with the other animals.
What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck.
Wanna cyber? Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? DirtyKate: K, but don’t tell anybody 😉 DirtyKate: Who are you? Bloodninja: I’ve got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John’s in my Geo Storm. DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John’s and make an order DirtyKate: Haha! OK DirtyKate: Hello! I’d like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, Hello, this is Papa John’s, how may I help you , then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that’s an X-Large. What toppings do you want? DirtyKate: I want everything, baby! Bloodninja: Is this a delivery? DirtyKate: Umm…Yes DirtyKate: So you’re bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I’m home alone… and I think I’ll take a shower… Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I’ll drive to your house. pause DirtyKate:I’m almost finished with my shower… Hurry up! Bloodninja: You can’t hurry good pizza. Bloodninja: I’m on my way now though pause DirtyKate: So you’re at my front door now. Bloodninja: How did you know? Bloodninja: I knock but you can’t hear me cause you’re in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I’m as hot as a pizza oven DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I’m all wet and cold. Warm me up baby Bloodninja: So you’re still in the bathroom? DirtyKate: Yeah, I’m wrapping a towel around myself. Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door…. DirtyKate: What the fuck? DirtyKate: You perverted piece of s**t DirtyKate: F**k
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool �
I like my women like I like my coffee I don’t like coffee
The pilot gets ready for the flight Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated. , he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. Know what I want now? , says the co-pilot, a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick . Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells Don’t forget the coffee!
You know what’s black and doesn’t work? Decaffeinated coffee.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank coffee before it was cool
A joke for alcoholics . This drunk is sitting in a rocking chair in front of the fire, when the rocking chair knocks against an empty bottle of whiskey. He picks it up and hurling it in the fireplace yells. You cost me my dignity and self-respect! A while later another empty bottle comes to notice on the coffee table. Again it is hurled in to the fire you cost me the love of my family! Another empty is found on the floor and hurled with a you cost me my health and ruined my finances! The drunks eye falls on another empty, he grabs it and is about to hurl it in to the fire when he notices about 2 sips worth left in the bottom. YOU!!!………this has got fuck all to do with you .
[Long] [Religion] In a kingdom of the past, a long way away… … there was a village that lived on the edges of the kingdom, by a mountainside. The village was intially called Trifville , as a play on how worthless it was to haggle in the village market – over time, people began affectionately calling the village Triddville , and the villagers, Tridds . The town itself was very religious; there were four sectors of the village – the Christian sector, which followed the teachings of the town priest; the Islamic sector, which followed the teachings of the town imam; and the Jewish sector, which followed the teachings of the town rabbi. The former two were born in the village, and the lattermost was initially a traveler from another village who chose to stay. One day, a giant appeared at the top of the mountain by the town, bellowing and shaking the ground with each breath. Naturally, the people panicked – until each of the religious figures claimed that the monster was a punishment from the heavens for having a poor market. The villagers were then torn amongst themselves; there was much rioting and pillaging between the three sectors, until a small boy, furious with the riots, screamed at the top of his lungs, IF THOSE BASTARDS ALL THINK THEY KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE IS, LET THEM FIX IT! There was silence. There was more silence. There was prolonged silence. A slow chant rose from the villagers, GIANT – THEY SLAY . It got faster. It got more energetic. It got wild. Eventually, the villagers raided the homes of the priest, imam, and rabbi (which were previously untouched), and threatened them to stoning if they had not solved the giant problem. While they had been reluctant at first, when the villagers had kidnapped all of their daughters as hostages, the priest, imam, and rabbi seemed overly enthusiastic to solve the problem immediately. First, the priest made the trek up the large mountain. Being the middle-aged man he was, he took a week to climb the sizable spike. When he encountered the giant, he said, Brother Giant, can you not spare the villagers of your incessant breathing and stomping. My young girl wakes up every night, scared, because of your actions. The giant, without a word, kicks the priest in the testicles so hard that the priest loses his balance, and falls backward down the mountain. He is dead before he touches the base of the mountain. Second, the imam made the hike up the large mountain. Being the somewhat seniorly man he was, he took a two weeks to climb the colossal mound. When he encountered the giant, he said, in Arabic, Brother Giant, shall you spare the villagers of your ever frequent breathing and stomping. My dearest children wake up every night, scared, because of your actions. The giant, with a puzzled look, kicks the imam in the balls so hard that the imam loses his balance, and somersaults backward down the mountain. He is dead before he can scream. Lastly, the rabbi made the journey to the top of Mount Giant. At the base of the mountain, he saw the rotting bodies of the priest and the imam; their abdomens were noticably caved in. The rabbi, slightly unnerved, just muttered to himself, * …just a test… it’s just a test… * Being the elderly man he was, he took a three weeks to climb the colossal mound. When he encountered the giant, he said, Brother Giant, could you please leave us? Suprisingly enough, the Giant said, Okee dokee, and, from then on, the village was not disturbed from the Giant any longer. The rabbi, overwhelmed by his sucess, blurted out, My brothers – the priest and the imam, I’ve seen them at the base of this mountain, with their abdomens caved inwards. Why haven’t I recieved the same fate? The Giant, smiles and says, Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Tridds! ——————————————————————- *Note: I’m supportive of all religions. This is just a really long joke with a ton of unnessisary filler.*
Management Training An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, Me want coffee. The waiter says, Sure chief coming right up. He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, Me want coffee. The waiter says, Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway? The Indian smiles and proudly says, Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
The 5 yr old girl and the construction crew. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us. Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week too? The little girl replied, I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock
I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess fuckin’ goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee!
