God will save me… One day, a Christian man went out to sea for a bit of fishing. While he was fishing, a giant swordfish poked a hole right on the hull of his boat and it sunk, leaving the man stranded in the middle of the ocean. An hour later, another fishing boat comes by and sees the man floating and shouts, Hey, buddy! You need any help? The man replies, No, there’s no need, God will save me. Upon hearing this, the fisherman leaves. After another hour, a cruise ship comes along and spots the man in the water. The captain shouts to him, Sir, do you need any help down there? Yet again, the man replies, No need, God will save me. Moments later, the ship leaves. One hour later, a coast guard boat comes and sees the man floating. Do you need any help over there, sir? No, no. Don’t worry, God will save me, the man calmly stated. A few minutes later, the boat leaves. No other boat came so the man died and went to heaven. Upon reaching the pearly gates, God greets and welcomes him. The first thing the man says is, Oh, Father! I was praying for your help when I was drowning at sea. Why didn’t you answer my prayers? God got flustered and screamed, What the hell do you mean I didn’t answer you? I sent 3 fucking boats!
Chili Cook-off Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced. CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! ! CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. FRANK: You could put a FUCKING Grenade in my mouth, pull the FUCKING pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my FUCKING mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my FUCKING shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank. (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
The Fly and the Fish One beautiful day, under a grove of trees, hovered a fly above a river. Swimming just below the fly was a fish,who thought to him self, ‘If that fly drops down a little, I’ll be able to jump up and eat him.’ Beyond the river, on the bank, a bear sat, watching the fly and the fish and pondering, ‘Man, if that fly drops and the fish catches it, I’ll have enough time to run into the river and get that fish.’ Behind the bear, a hunter was hidden, waiting,’ If that fly drops, the fish catches the fly and the bear gets the fish, it’ll be a perfect time to shoot that bear.’ Well, in the hills, not too far away from the hunter, a wildcat stocked about, watching the scenario and thinking, ‘If that fly drops and the fish jumps up to catch the fly and the bear runs to catch the fish, then the hunter fires his weapon, I know something they don’t know. The man has a bag of chips in his pocket and I’m going to have myself a snack!’ Sure enough, the fly dips down, the fish jumps up and eats the fly, the bear runs down and catches the fish and the hunter fires his gun and gets the bear, with the chips falling onto the ground. Taking his opportunity, the wildcat sprints down the hill and closes in on the bag, but misses it and slips on a strip of mud, sliding straight into the river. What’s the moral of this story? Every time a fly drops, a pussy gets wet.
Damn Fish The mom goes to the store asks the deli guy about specials. He says, there’s a sale on Damn fish. She says what? Damn fish, the deli guy says, that’s the name of it. The mom buys a pound. She gets home and is frying the fish. The dad comes home. That smells great, he says. What is it? It’s Damn fish, replies the mom. Say what? says the dad. The mom laughs. That’s what they call it. At dinner that night, mom, dad and ten year old son are at the table. The mom says, this Damn fish is tasty. The dad says, yes, it is, please pass me more Damn fish. The son looks at his mother and father and says: Great! Now you’re talking my kind of language. Pass me the damn fish and the motherfucking potatoes!
An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village… An American businessman was standing at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish. How long did it take you to catch them? The American asked. Only a little while. The Mexican replied. Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish? The American then asked. I have enough to support my family’s immediate needs. The Mexican said. But, The American then asked, What do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor. The American scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the consumers, eventually opening your own can factory. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise. The Mexican fisherman asked, But senor, how long will this all take? To which the American replied, 15-20 years. But what then, senor? The American laughed and said, That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. Millions, senor? Then what? The American said slowly, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos
So two whales are talking… And they came to a mutual agreement… That sailors kill them too much… For meat… For fat…. And so on. So they plotted a revenge! They were to find a fishing boat, get under it and blow some water out of their blowholes to capsize the ship… And so they did it! They found a suitable ship, and managed to capsize it! But now… There’s so many sailors in the water… So one whale says Hey… How about we eat them now? It would be sort of poetic justice, they’re eating us, as well , and the other whale says to that Now hold on… I did agree to a blowjob… I did not agree to swallow the sea-men! … If u don’t get it, u must be under 7 years old. ^_^
Dropping Dubstep producers who enjoy fishing happen to drop the bass a lot. But you know, I can forgive them. Fish are slippery. But those freaking vegetable farming rappers… how do they always manage to drop the beets?
Penguin Go Fish 2 penguins were playing go fish, the first penguin named Ping and the second one named Pong. The first penguin wins the game and starts cheering about it. Another penguin, hearing the noise, walks in and says, What happened? The first penguin says, Ping won.
A woman and a man are lying in bed A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, Hi. I’m so glad you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye. She hangs up and the man asks, Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me about the great time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.
Seriously Funny My credit card was stolen & my rating actually went up. Hopefully, that same person will steal my car & keep up the payments! 74% of American’s are now overweight. That explains why the other 26% aren’t…there’s no food left for them! Senator Bob Corker is on Trump’s list for a possible vice president. That’s not a name that a fishing lure! The ENTIRE Cubs infield will start at next weeks All Star game. That’s like finding out all Ben & Jerry’s flavors are vanilla! Just 30 days till the ‘Zika De Janero Olympics’. I want to be there to throw out the first M.R.I. R & B singer Ciara & NFL QB Russel Wilson are married. Marriage may reduce the number of letters before their names. Google’s under investigation for age discrimination. They got suspicious when Pampers were mandatory office equipment! Trump got almost 25 million votes from his rhetoric. That makes sense, Samson slew the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass! Today’s Inspirational Thought; The difference between Washington & Vegas is that in Vegas there’s a chance you won’t get screwed! It was so humid yesterday I was sweating like a Berkeley graduate at a spelling bee! I’m at the age where my next tattoo will be ‘Do not resuscitate’!
Adam and Eve are going for a swim in the see. First Eve goes and swims around for a little bit. She comes out off the water and God Said Goddamm now i will never get that smell out of the fish
A man gets back on the job working construction after his honeymoon, all his buddies gather to ask questions. The first one asks what’s on everyone’s minds, So, how many times did you get laid? Well, I didn’t. Why not? Well, she’s got herpes. The next guy asks So why didn’t you just do her in the butt? Well she had diarrhea too. A collective Aww that sucks comes from the group. The next guy asks, So did you at least get a blow job? No, she’s got pyorrhea too. The last guy asks, So why did you even marry this girl in the first place? Well, she’s got worms too, and I LOOOVE TO FISH!!!
A young Geordie lad moved to London A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked Do you have any sales experience? The young man answered Aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle. The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked OK,…… so how many sales did you make today? The Geordie said Just the one, Marra. The manager groaned and continued Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64 replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him? Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin’ fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki . The manager, incredulous, said You mean to tell me….a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4×4? Nah, nah……he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said……… ‘Well, since ya weekend’s fucked, you might as well gan fishing.
Even wants to have sex And she goes to Adam and says to him: Adam, lets have sex! . I can’t have sex with you, you have no hole down there. , says Adam, so Eve goes crying to the river and a fairy appears and asks her Eve, why are you crying? where Eve replied Adam can’t have sex with me cause I have no hole down there… and fairy brings a stork that makes a hole with his beak. From that day, all storks have red beak and all women have hole down there. Eve happily goes to Adam and says Adam, we can have sex now! where Adam said I don’t wanna have sex with you, you’re so bold down there, not a single hair! and Eve goes crying to the river again and a fairy asks What happened Eve, didn’t you had sex? Why are you crying again? . Adam doesn’t want to have sex with me cause I have no hair down there… and a fairy brings a baboon, cuts his butthair and places them onto her. From that day all baboon have naked ass and all women have hair down there. Eve happily once again goes to Adam and says to him Adam, we can finally have sex now! where Adam replied I don’t want to have sex with you, you’re totally dry down there. and Eve goes crying to the river again, where fairy asks her What happened now, Eve? and Eve replied Adam doesn’t want to have sex with me cause I’m dry down there. . Fairy gets a fish out of the water and tells her to rub her down there. From that day people don’t know if pussy have smell of a fish or fish have smell of a pussy. Edit: mistyped the heading
A little boy asks his mother Mommy, can I go swimming? Mother: Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jelly fish and sharks. Boy: But Daddy got to go swimming! Mother: I know, but he has excellent life insurance.
God went to the Garden of Eden to visit Adam and Eve… … and found Adam sitting under a tree, relaxing. How’s everything? asked God. Good, thank you! This place is great! said Adam. Where’s Eve? asked God, looking around. Well, we just had sex, and it was great, said Adam, and so she went down to the river, to take a bath. Oh no, not the river! said God. Now I’ll never get the smell out of the fish!
A pastor buys some fish A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here! A pastor hears this and asks, Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’ The boy responds, Because I caught these fish at the local dam. The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way. He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!
two fish So there were two fish in a tank. The one fish looked at the other and said Hey buddy do you know how to drive this thing?
OP’s Mom So there were two fish in a tank. The one fish looked at the other and said Hey buddy do you know how to drive this thing?
Two Irish men are out fishing. .. And having a great time, catching lots of fish. Patty, this place is great. We should come back tomorrow. Lets paint an ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat so we can find the same spot . Don’t be silly, Shamus. What if we don’t get the same boat…
Shout out to those who can’t hear good And having a great time, catching lots of fish. Patty, this place is great. We should come back tomorrow. Lets paint an ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat so we can find the same spot . Don’t be silly, Shamus. What if we don’t get the same boat…
Fish and women I like my fish the same way I like my women. Battered.
Grandpa is fishing with his 12yrs old grandson… …and after some time, the grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy asks: Grandpa, could I have a cigarette too? Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole? asks the old man. No… Then you’re too young for this. They keep fishing. After a while, the grandpa opens a beer can. The boy asks again: Grandpa, could I have a beer too? Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole? asks the old man once more. No… Then you’re too young for this. The kid gets grumpy, but after a while, he takes out the cookies his mum prepared for him and starts eating. His grandpa turns to him and asks: Boy, could I have some of those cookies? Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole? Of course it is! boasts the old man. Well then you can go fuck yourself, ’cause you ain’t getting any of this!
THE ULTIMATUM A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, he insisted. And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules, he said. Any comments? His new bride replied, No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every nightwhether you’re here or not.
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. *** It’s Hans free *** *Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.* **The rest of the top ten.** 2 – Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West – Stewart Francis 3 – Surely every car is a people carrier? – Adam Hess 4 – What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter – Masai Graham 5 – If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go – Dave Green 6 – Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas – Mark Nelson 7 – Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day – Tom Parry 8 – The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves – Alun Cochrane 9 – Clowns divorce. Custardy battle – Simon Munnery 10 – They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for… – Grace The Child **Honourable mentions.** I never lie on my CV because it creases it. – Jenny Collier If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself – Ian Smith I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time – Tom Ward Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t – Gyles Brandreth Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’ – Ally Houston Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking , that’s my only criticism – James Acaster
Things Rednecks Never Say… • I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. • Duct tape won’t fix that. • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. • Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. • We don’t keep firearms in this house. • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? • You can’t feed that to the dog. • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. • Wrasslin’s fake. • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • We’re vegetarians. • Do you think my hair is too big? • I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? • Who’s Richard Petty? • Give me the small bag of pork rinds. • Deer heads detract from the decor. • Spitting is such a nasty habit. • I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. • Trim the fat off that steak. • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • The tires on that truck are too big. • I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad. • I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. • Unsweetened tea tastes better. • Would you like your fish poached or broiled? • My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. • I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. • Checkmate. • She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? • Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen. • I don’t have a favorite college team. • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. • I believe you cooked those green beans too long. • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. • Elvis who?
Dads… on the loose… 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid’s 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko… 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer What is brown and sticky? A stick. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH. What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter– he can’t come to you anyway. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses. What’s yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Why does Tigger smell bad? He’s always playing with pooh. What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley. How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash. Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice. You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots. Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don’t serve vegetables! The mushroom responds, But I’m a fungi! How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant? Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don’t sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? Look, here come the grapes! (Jane was colorblind.) What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? Here come the elephants! Tarzan wasn’t colorblind. What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time! How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree. Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn’t it? How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can’t get the door closed. How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There’s a Volkswagen parked out front. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you’re pooped out.
Chemistry Jokes Eat Bananas Because They Have Potassium. K; Can You Tell What is Sodium + Bromine + Oxygen is? NaBrO; Helium, Who Throw My Food? HE is!; What Fish is Made of 2 Alkaline Metal Atoms? 2 Na; (Also, You Can Suggest More Jokes. K)
Donald Trump was having dinner in a restaurant on the campaign trail… Donald Trump was having dinner in a restaurant on the campaign trail. Nature eventually called so he politely excused himself from the table and headed to the men’s room. He was standing at the urinal when a tall African American man named Bubba came in and stood at the urinal next to Trump. Bubba fished a huge dick out of his pants and started taking a long satisfying piss. Trump looked over at Bubba’s huge equipment and said Damn, Bubba. How did you get your dick to be so big? Bubba said Well, Mr. Trump, every night before I go to bed I whack it on the bedpost three times and it grows bigger each time. Trump thanked Bubba for the tip and put his tiny pecker back into his own pants and headed back to his table. Later than night, Trump was in his bedroom and his wife Melania was half asleep in the bed. Trump looked around the room to make sure nobody was looking then he pulled his dick out and whacked it on the bedpost three times. *Whack! Whack! Whack!* And Melania said BUBBA HONEY! IS THAT YOU??
Sixth-grade teacher Mrs. Fisher, the sixth-grade teacher, tells the class that today they’re going to have a spelling bee. Instructing the first kid to stand up, she asks, Robert, what does your father do for a living? Say it nice and clearly, and then spell it out. My father’s a baker, answers Robert. B-A-K-E-R-R. That’s not quite right, Robert. Try again, chides Mrs. Fisher gently. B-A . . . says Robert, thinking hard, K-E-R. Very good. Now, Cecily? Doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R, Cecily says smugly and sits down. Very good. Herbie? Herbie stands up and says, Shipbuilder. S-H-I-T No, Herbie, interrupts Mrs. Fisher. Try again. Ship . . . builder. S-H-I-T No, no, no. Go to the blackboard and write it out and you’ll see your mistake. As Herbie heads toward the front of the class, Mrs. Fisher turns to the next child, Lenny, who jumps up and says, My father’s a bookie. That’s B-double O-K-I-E, and I’ll lay you six to one that that dope puts shit’ on the board.
Bear Warning! Grizzly Bear Notice: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME 😉 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, But what’s the dollar for? Well, she said, Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.
New sales job! A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota. Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One. The boss says Just one ?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), So, how much was your one sale for? The kid looks up at his boss and says $101,237.65. The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell? The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition. The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!? The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’
Three men get to the Heaven’s Gates.. ..and Saint John is there to say: I’m sorry guys, but heaven is quite full now so let’s make a deal. The one who tells the best story of how he died, gets to the heaven. He then approaches the first of the three. The man starts: So.. I had had this feeling for a long time, that my wife is cheating on me. Thus I decided to go early home from work to check on the situation because I had a feeling something fishy might be going on. When I got home, I saw another man’s clothes on the floor of the hallway. So I went to the bedroom where my wife was naked and sobbing and making excuses but I was just furious and wanted to find the guy. Watched under the bed and in the closet and then it hit me.. THE BALCONY! So I went there and he was hanging from the railing. Frustrated, I started hitting his hands so the bastard would fall off. It was the third floor of a tower block so he would fall pretty badly. The F*cker held really nicely onto the railing, so I decided to get a hammer. Couple of nice hits and the guy was lying on the ground, but I was so damn frustrated that I threw him with our freezer and snapped my back while doing it. So that’s how I died. John loked at the man and nodded. Then went to the second guy. The 2nd man then started: Well, I was cleaning my house, all over everywhere. It was a beautiful day and because I live on the fourth floor I decided to enjoy it and leave washing the windows last. So while I was doing it, I slipped on the soap and started falling, but thank God I got to hang on the railing. My hands stretched a bit and I had a hard time getting up. Suddenly some guy came from the apartment and started beating my hands. I tried to tell him to stop but he didn’t listen. I barely managed to hold on but then the maniac took A HAMMER. It hurt like hell and I had to let go. I fell to the ground and I got in so much pain that i had probably few of my ribs broken. I hoped that someone could call an ambulance but before anything else could happen, I saw a fridge or freezer or something flying towards me from the third floor. Aaaaand that’s how I got here then. Saint John had a surprised look when the man finished. But he had to let the third man tell his story so he started: Well.. Imagine that you are naked in a freezer.. P.s. English isn’t my native lang so don’t hate me for grammar mistakes
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean… … and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there. The first man says, I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here. The other two nod, slightly sympathetically. The second man says, Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle. They look at the third guy. He says, I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here. The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, How do you start a hurricane?
Two parrots sat on a perch one turns to the other and asks, ‘Can you smell fish?’
Three men are fishing.. Three men are fishing on a pond and no one’s catching anything, so to make things interesting one throws in a rock and says wow did you just see that fish jump!? The second guy replies Nah, how much do you think it weighed, to which the third man, who saw the rock thrown says Musta weighed at least a stone! This happened, I was the third guy, but neither of my buddies got the joke so now I retell it to get the (much deserved) laughs I was supposed to get two weeks ago.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it’s edge. WAIT! PLEASE DON’T EAT ME! the fish screams. Bill answers: oh wow, a talking fish! That’s amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway and sets him free. The fish turns around and say: Thank you, now how about a wish? Bill answers: Oh alright… what do you want?
My 11 year old cousin just told me this knee-slapper What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Damn
Why did the fisherman keep taking off? Because he was fly fishing.
The Silver Tongued Salesman A young hotshot from New York moves to California for some fun in the sun. He goes to the local mega store looking for a sales job. The manager, a little doubtful, asks, Do you have any sales experience? The cocky kid responds, Yup. I did sales back in New York. The boss felt sorry for the kid, being new to the West Coast, and decided to give him a chance. You can start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and we’ll see how you did. His first day on the job was tough, but he got through it on guts alone. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, not expecting much, questioned, How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, One. The stunned boss asks, Just one? Our sales people average 50 to 60 customers a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says $105,696.69. The boss stammers, $105,696.69? What in god’s name did you sell? The kid says, First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So, I told him he was going to need a boat and we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his little Toyota Prius would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that Cadillac Escalade. The boss screamed, A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?! The kid smirked, No, the guy came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said: ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’
Why are Firetrucks red? There are always 4 men and 8 wheels on board, 8+4 is 12, There are 12 inches in a ruler, Queen Mary was a ruler, Queen Mary was the name of a ship, Ships go on water, Fish are in water, Fish have fins, The Fins fought the Russians in the war, The Russian flag has red on it, ……..and fire trucks are always russian
So, I once went fishing with a fishing pole and brick… …after some time a hot blonde walked up to me and asked: – What are you doing? – Fishing – Ok, I get what the fishing rod is for, but whats up with the brick? – Oh, If you have sex with me, I’ll tell you. She considered for a moment and agreed. After 2 minutes, when I was done, she asked again: – So, now you have to tell me! Whats the brick for? – oh, well… It is easier to fish with the brick. – How come? -”You are my 4th catch today.”
So I was hanging out with a friend… I walked into this one room, that had a giant fish. That thing spanned wall to wall. When I noticed it, I stopped mid sentence, and said Holy mackerel! Possibly the worst pun of my life, and I’ve never been more proud.
Adam and eve have problems Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. You’re running around with other women, she charged. You’re being unreasonable, Adam responded. You’re the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. What do you think you’re doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs! ——————– One more ! A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice). Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye. She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you. ——————- and another one … This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the bull auction. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off. A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year. The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, See! That’s more than five times a month! The second bull is to be sold. Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. Again the wife bugs her husband, Hey, that’s about 10 times a month. What do you say to that? Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale. And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year! The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about you? The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, Sure, once a day! Great! But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!
I put coffee in my aquarium filter. The water wasn’t any cleaner, but the fish swam REALLY FAST.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says Do you know how to drive this thing? The other fish says Holy shit a talking fish!
Japan’s Financial Crisis Banking Crisis Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse. Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Moses and Jesus fishing… One day Moses and Jesus were fishing, catching a ton of fish they were getting a little bored. Moses says to Jesus Wanna make a bet? since Jesus is always down for a bet, he couldnt refuse. Moses says Its been five thousand years since my last miracle, I bet you I could still pull it off So he walks to the front of the boat and spreads his arms.. just like the olden days, the ocean split for him Yeah, five thousand years and I still got it! Jesus then Its only been two thousand years since my last miracle, watch this! Jesus then begins to attempt walking on the water. He puts one foot on, then the second and sinks! Straight to the bottom of the ocean. He swims up and gets in the boat Ok, two thousand years.. maybe i’m a little rusty, let me try it again. He then proceeds to put one foot on the water, then the other and Sinks! Again, straight to the bottom of the ocean.. he swims back up, gets in the boat and says… I know why Im fucking up, last time I did this I didnt have holes in my feet!
