What is a Nigger in a Cockpit? …. … …. …. …. A Pilote ! What are you thinging about! tststststststs Rassist ! JOKE! 😀
Whats it called when you jack off in an airplane? It’s still the mile high club, but its just the single aviator’s division. Similar to the mile high club,
What’s the difference between a black person and my laundry? I hang my laundry with care. Did you hear about the German pilot with erectile dysfunction? Yeah he can’t keep anything up. You know what hit me when I saw a bus full of kids get hit by a car? The airbags. What’s the worst thing about a black man getting beaten to death? The laundry bill. What’s 12 inches and black? The man your father is having a affair with. Why are black people so viscous? Because animals don’t know any better. Jokes I made up!
What’s the difference between Sean Bean and a plane? At least a plane made it to the two towers. Thought of this while watching lord of the rings
When a plane intersects it When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides? When it is intercepted by a plane. Worst Geometry Joke I Know
When he gets there, there is a line of people who are in need of personal care. Satan is at what appears to be the front of the line. So the proctologist goes to take care of him. How can I help you? the proctologist asks Satan. Actually, this is the back of the line. Everyone in the line has their pants at their waist. You’re supposed to take care of the person at the other end…Fuck it. Me and my girlfriend need you. The proctologist follows Satan into the bedroom, where his girlfriend is lying down. I want you to do both of us at the same time. We’ll hold hands so we can embrace the worst together. The proctologist shrugs. He decides it would be fair to give them proper warning. Satan lies down face-down with his girlfriend and they prepare themselves. Here comes the plane! The proctologist makes jet sounds as he jams his finger up Satan and the girlfriend’s butt. Satan is half-groaning, and half-moaning from the pain. The girlfriend thinks the proctologist is a phony. She thinks he’s only in to see people with their pants down. So she chews off the man behind her. Doctor. You suck ass at what you do, and you can’t fly a jet. Get off my Six, she said. You’re right. You’ve really made yourself the butt of the joke this time, replied the man. A proctologist goes to hell.
When he got there no one was around. The protesters were all at the airport but he had shown up at JFK’s grave. A cabbie was part of the protest #deleteuber and so he drove to JFK.
When he grow up, he will ask me, Dad, did you name me after a planet? . And i will be like, No:( I will name my kid Pluto
When he parachutes out, he is taken to a pow camp. He is later asked What did you have on the wings of your plane? Holes mostly… A pilots plane is shot down
When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation. The other man replied, Well that’s strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Christian! The two men were saddened, yes, but also intrigued. They went to their Rabbi with the concerns, again explaining the situation. As they were explaining what had happened, the Rabbi had a pained look on his face, and when they were done he responded, Well that’s strange, my son went on the same trip as a Jew, and he too came back a Converted Christian! The three men devised a plan to figure out what was going on. They got on a plane and flew to Israel, determined to find out what was converting their sons! They found nothing, and went to the West Wall to pray about it. They screamed to the sky, GOD, WE HAVE SENT OUR SONS TO ISRAEL AS JEWS, AND THEY CAME BACK CHRISTIAN, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO US?! There was a moment of complete silence, followed by a booming voice from the sky… Well that’s strange… A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel
When I got out of the airport a man came up to me and asked me if I knew how to spit chewing tobacco. I told him no and he insisted that he teach me. As I was practicing I accidentally spit on a midget, I said I’m so sorry… are you ok? He turns around and says well I’m not happy! . So I said… which one are you then? So I took a trip down to Alabama…
When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane. I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today
When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane. Never tell a joke to plutonium, there reaction is explosive
When I switched on airplane mode, it locked me out of the phone and then crashed. I just picked up the Germanwings iPhone app…
When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his eyes lit up and he became animated, swooping his hand gracefully through the air to simulate the various paths his plane took. Speaking with a slight Cockney accent he explained, Then I seen this fokker comin’ right at me from one o’clock, so I dives and turns right and comes up right behind him. I fired my guns and blew that fokker right out of the air! Then I sees two more of them fokkers comin’ up from below, at seven o’clock, so’s I . Just then, the teacher, Mrs. Johnson, interrupts with, I think we should explain to the sixth graders that Fokker was a type of German aircraft. Oh no Miss. They waz flyin’ Messerschmitts. WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class…
When I was in town yesterday, I overheard a couple of idiots who were saying they wouldn’t feel safe in an airplane if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a bunch of sexist twats! I mean, its not like she’ll have to reverse the bloody thing… Female pilots
When it hit the water it would have been plane sailing. I don’t see how flight MH370 sunk.
When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.
When it stops, you can see the pilot start sweating! TIL the propeller on a plane is a fan to keep the pilot cool
When it’s intersected by a plane When does a pentagon not have 5 sides?
when one of the engines goes out. The pilot gets on the intercom and says don’t worry folks, we’ve still got three engines, but its going to take us a bit longer to get to our destination. We’re about 6 hours out now. However, before long, another engine goes out. The pilot comes on again and says we’ve lost another engine, but we’re still in the air, but we’ve slowed down a bit. It’s going to take us 8 hours to get there now. However, luck was not with them, and a third engine dies. The pilot gets on the intercom and says don’t panic, we can still fly with only one engine, but it’s going to take us 12 hours to get there. The statistician turns to his neighbor and says I hope that last engine doesn’t go out, or it’s going to take us forever to get there! A statistician is on an airplane…
when suddenly a deep fog rolls in, completely obscuring his view of the ground and making him lose his bearings. In desperation, he opens the window and yells at a passing building HELP! CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I AM? A window on the building opens up and a man leans out to yell YOU’RE IN AN AIRPLANE! The pilot closes the window, changes his course, and maneuvers his way over to the airfield, landing the plane perfectly. His copilot, white as a sheet, looks at him and says how did you know where we were? and the pilot says Well I knew we were near the Microsoft HQ because the guy told me something completely true, but absolutely fucking useless! A pilot and his friend are flying his personal plane around Washington
When the captain comes out of the cockpit and yells that they’ve lost an engine and need to lose any excess weight immediately. The Chinese man throws a bag of rice out of the plane and says in my country we have too much rice. The Mexican man follows the Chinese man and throws out a bag of beans and says well in my country we have too many beans. The American man, not wanting to be left out, goes to the back of the plane. He grabbed the Mexican man and threw him out of the plane and says ….that bastard fucked my wife! An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are all flying on a plane….
When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot
When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, It’s my carrion luggage! A man brought a dead animal onto a plane…
When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether. A year goes by and she sends him a telegram. Oh, daddy, I really need to see you and talk to you . Well, by this time his heart has softened and he misses her too and he wires back, Ok . She sends a private plane for him which flies him to Athens. A private helicopter takes him to a hundred-foot yacht at Piraeus. The yacht takes him to an Aegean island. When he lands he sees a big beautiful palace, of marble, with landscaping and statuary, and dozens of servants all over the place. His daughter, dressed in the height of fashion and dripping with expensive jewelry, runs out and hugs him. He hugs her back and says, My baby, I’m so glad you sent for me. I see now that you were right and I was wrong . She says, No, daddy, you were right. I want you to take me away from here and back home with you . He asks, But why? She says, Because when I got married my asshole was the size of a dime and now it’s the size of a silver dollar . And he says, You’re going to give up all this for ninety cents? A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love
When the pilot suddenly comes out and says, The engine’s failing and there’s only 3 parachutes! So he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. The Pastor says, I believe God wants me to live, so he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. Then the Mountain hiker starts laughing his ass off and the Doctor says, We’re about to crash and there’s only one parachute left, why are you laughing?! Then the Mountain hiker says, The Pastor didn’t take a parachute, he took my backpack! A Pastor, a Mountain hiker, and a Doctor are all on an airplane…
When the pilot tells them that they must shed weight or they will not have enough fuel to make it to their destination. Each member of the plane must throw one of their bags from the plane. The Mexican grabs a box full of tacos and tosses it from the plane. A minute later a little girl on the ground starts crying. Honey, why are you crying all of a sudden? I was just standing here and a box of tacos landed on my head. The Hawaiian grabs a box of coconuts and throws it from the plane. Again, a minute later a little boy started crying. Why are you crying so much? Well I was just standing here and a box of coconuts landed on my head. The US Army member grabs a box of grenades and throws it off the plane. A minute later a little boy on the ground starts laughing hysterically. What’s so funny, Jonny? Daddy farted and the house blew up! A Mexican, a Hawaiian and a US Army member are on a plane…
When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man’s expense, so he asked, My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third? The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, The third one was ME! The man went home to his wife and said to her. Hey honey, here’s a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one? His wife was stumped and said, I don’t know, who? The man responded, Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York. A man went to New York on a business trip…
When they get off the plane one of the Pakistani guys says to the other, You know what? We’re both from Pakistan but seeing as we’re in Australia why don’t we immigrate for real? I mean really become true blue Aussies! Here’s my idea: You and me part ways for six months and try and soak up the culture. Then after the six months is up we can hang out again, and to make it interesting the most Australian one of us gets shouted a beer by the other, sound good? The other Pakistani guy agrees that this is a great idea and so they part ways. Six months pass and as planned they meet up at a local pub. The first Pakistani guy is confident that he’s got the bet in the bag and says to his friend, Mate, I’ve got this one hands down. I’m as Aussie as it gets Cobba! I drive my Commodore down to the beach every week with a six pack of VBs in my esky and watch the footy religiously, I am as True Blue as it gets mate! Other Pakistani guy just says, Aww shut the fuck up ya Paki cunt! Two Pakistani guys move to Australia
When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers!! its that easy… Best way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas?
When you have to make airplane noises to get your cock in her mouth. Source: Jimmy Carr NSFW How do you know when a girl is too young for you?
Whenever he boards a plane it neverlands Why is Peter Pan on the No-Fly list?
WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my doing something useful seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was only thinking of me and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes? I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club. Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week. The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?
Where they sit on an airplane. What’s the difference between a Private and a Private First Class?
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap. Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it’s really working out. (stolen from the awesome Jeselnik) I have a kid in africa
While driving, he sees a sign that says Airport left . So he turns around and goes home An Irishman is driving to the airport
While flying over the mountains, a pilot realizes his plane doesn’t have enough gas to make it to the nearest airport. The copilot goes to check on the parachutes, while the pilot explains the situation to the passengers- Abraham Lincoln, Bono, George bush and a little boy and girl. The copilot comes back and informs them that there are only 6 parachutes. The pilot says I helped fly the plane, so I should get one. The pilot jumps out with a parachute. The copilot says me too! And jumps out behind him. Abraham Lincoln declares I helped rid the world of slavery, so I should get one. Lincoln jumps out. Bono gives a peace sign, takes one, and exits. George Bush says I’m the smartest man in the world, I should get one! And he jumps out. The boy and girl look at each other and the girl says Well, there is only one left, how should we decide who gets it? The boy replies No, there are two. What are you talking about? Says the girl. The boy lifts up 2 parachutes and says The smartest man in the world took my backpack. A plane runs out of gas mid flight…
While he’s there, he notices that his Rolex has stopped. He thinks to himself, Well, at least I’m in Switzerland where the watchmakers all are! . As he walks the street though, he sees that all the watchmakers are closed since it’s Sunday; Except for one single shop with timepieces in the window. As the businessman enters he sees the owner, a pious old man poring over a big tome. Obviously his shop is open because he is a religious Jew. The man sets his watch on the counter and says you have to fix this watch of mine today! I’ve got a flight to catch tonight! The old man shakes his head saying I’m afraid I can’t help you as I actually am a Mohel (circumciser) not a watchmaker. Puzzled, the businessman asks, why the clocks in the window? The Mohel looks at him, if you did my work, what would YOU put in the window?! A man goes to Switzerland on a trip.
While in the air the pilot said that the passengers needed to throw things out the window because the plane was too heavy. The Mexican threw out his beans since he had a lot in his country. The Chinese man then throws his rice out since he has a lot of it in his country. The American then says, Oh, I know what I have a lot of in my country! Then grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. A mexican, a Chinese, and an American get in a plane
While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate. I have a request, says the pilot, could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover? We can do that. says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered. The pilot gets another infection, this time in his arm. The doctor tells him they need to amputate. I have a request, says the pilot, could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover? We can do that. says the doctor. He makes the arrangements and the ashes are delivered A few weeks go by and the pilot gets another infection, this time in his remaining leg. The doctor tells him that they need to amputate. I have a request, says the pilot, could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land- STOP! bellows a prison guard, He’s trying to escape! During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.
who’s flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day on his microphone: May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me! She hears a voice over the radio saying: This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I’ve already had experience with this kind of problem. I will talk you through this and get you safely back on the ground. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now, give me your height and position. She says, I’m 5’4 and I’m in the front seat. Long pause, then he says, O.K,……………..repeat after me: ‘Our Father . . ..Who art in Heaven . … ..’ This is the story of a blonde….
Who’s there? The pilot Knock Knock
-Who’s there? -The plane captain. Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock
WHY CAN’T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS? I sleep better naked and it’s more comfortable
Why couldn’t the NSA agent leave the Russian airport? Because he got Snowden! The NSA Agent
Why does a man carry a brick with him in a plane? To throw it out. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? You open the door and put the elephant in. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? You open the door, get the elephant out and put the giraffe in the fridge. How do you die by doing nothing? By getting hit with the brick from the first joke. A bunch of bad jokes.
Why don’t we just build the whole plane out of that kid? I read a story of a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived
With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there’s no more. The pilot says, I’m sorry but we’re going to have to make some of you jump out. The Brit says, I’ll go first, for the Queen! and jumps out. Then the Australian says, I’ll go, for Australia. and jumps out. Then the American says, For America! and throws the Mexican out. There’s an overloaded Plane
with half a dozen kids from an orphanage. Half way through the flight the pilot comes back and says the plane has lost both engines, they are going to crash and there and only two parachutes. The first priest says to the second grab those ‘chutes – we’re out of here What about the children? asks the second priest Fuck the children says the first priest causing the second priest to ask Do you think there’s enough time? There are two priests on a small commuter flight
With his latest crash, Harrison Ford has become the first pilot to complete the Kessel Run in 12 over Par-secs. Kessel Run
With his request approved, the Bulletin newspaper photographer quickly used his mobile phone and called the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, Let’s go! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, Fly over Mount Stuartvand make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides. Why? asked the pilot. Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin he responded, and I need to get some close-up shots. The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then he stammered, So, what you’re telling me is, you’re not my flight instructor? Never Assume
with three children. The plane begins to go down and there are only three parachutes. The teacher screams Save the children! The lawyer yells Fuck the children! The priest asks Do we have time? There’s a teacher, lawyer, and priest on a plane…
World War II is in full force, and a Japanese biplane and an american plane both crash after a dogfight on a deserted jungle island. An American pilot, a German Pilot, and one Japanese pilot meet on the beach and figure they’ll call a truce until they’re rescued. Alright you guys says the American. I’ll get the fire going. You go into the forest and find anything to help set up a camp. The german goes off to look for food, and tells the Japanese pilot to handle the supplies. Time passes, and soon a roaring signal fire is going, the german pilot has returned with fruits and pig meat, but the sun is starting to go down and the Japanese soldier is nowhere to be found. Not wanting to be down a man in their situation, the American and the German both venture into the woods to look for him. They search for a long many hours and both decide to head back to camp and to continue the search tomorrow. When they get back to their camp, the Japanese pilot jumps out from behind a rock and yells SUPPLIES!!! World War II Pilots crash on a deserted island
Would he have been killed by Pontius Pilot? If Jesus was hangin out at the WTC in the 21st century..
Wouldnt want to make a joke about the air asia flight as it would be plane wrong and offensive. Not a mean plane joke.
Yeah, after his plane went down they found his Head and Shoulders washed up on a beach. Did you know John Denver had dandruff?
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernia’s 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 Year to Date…
Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked Well young man, what is your job? He replied Ma’am, I am the captain’s sexual advisor. Somewhat shocked, she said I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that? Very simple ma’am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he’ll ask me. Cockpit duties…
Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat. Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma? You are in seat 2-B, so it’s the Shakespeare seat. Don’t be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats. How do you figure that? Well, it’s either seat 2-B or not 2-B. Literary position.
Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live. Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts. Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell taxi! Yo mama is so fat and dumb that the only reason she opened her email was because she heard it contained spam. Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica. Yo mama is so fat that she looked up cheat codes for Wii Fit Yo mama is so fat that the only exercise she gets is when she chases the ice cream truck. Yo mama is so fat that she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington’s nose. Yo mama is so fat that when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down. Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up. Yo mama is so fat that she has to iron her pants on the driveway. 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Yo mama is so fat that when she was growing up she didn’t play with dolls, she played with midgets. Yo mama is so fat that she uses two buses for roller-blades. Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate. Yo mama is so fat that she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama is so fat that she broke the Stairway to Heaven. Yo mama is so fat that she doesn’t eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift. Yo mama is so fat that the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent. Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers won’t look at her. Yo mama is so fat that the highway patrol made her wear a sign saying Caution! Wide Turn . Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama is so fat that when she steps on a scale, it reads one at a time, please . Yo mama is so fat that she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says We don’t do livestock . Yo mama is so fat that when she tripped on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo mama is so fat that God couldn’t light the Earth until she moved! Yo mama is so fat that even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction! Yo mama is so fat that she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo mama is so fat that she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of June. Yo mama is so fat that she could fall down and wouldn’t even know it. Yo mama is so fat that the sign inside one restaurant says, Maximum occupancy: 300, or Yo momma. Yo mama is so fat that she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Yo mama is so fat that she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama is so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama is so fat that she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton’s got an echo. Yo mama is so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party. Yo mama is so fat that her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama is so fat that a picture of her would fall off the wall. Yo mama is so fat that when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet. Yo mama is so fat that she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo mama is so fat that she could sell shade. Yo mama is so fat that I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama is so fat that the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds. Yo mama is so fat that when she’s standing on the corner police drive by and yell, Hey, break it up. Yo mama is so fat that her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama is so fat that when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag. Yo mama is so fat that she can’t even fit into an AOL chat room. Yo mama is so fat when she goes skydiving she doesn’t use a parachute to land, she uses a twin-engine plane! Yo mama is so fat MTX audio’s subwoofers couldn’t rattle her bones! Yo mama is so fat her headphones are a pair of PA speakers connected to a car amplifier. Yo mama is so fat that she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor. Yo mama is so fat that eating contests have banned her because she is unfair competition. Yo mama is so fat that she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big. Yo mama is so fat that she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck! Yo mama is so fat that she has more Chins than a Chinese phone book! Yo mama is so fat that she influences the tides. Yo mama is so fat that when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago… Yo mama is so fat that NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo. Yo mama is so fat that they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama is so fat that she’s on both sides of the family! Yo mama is so fat that at the zoo, the elephants throw HER peanuts. Yo mama is so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her. Yo mama is so fat that she sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama is so fat that she cant reach into her back pocket. Yo mama is so fat that she has her own gravity field. Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama is so fat that the only pictures you have of her were taken by satellite cameras. Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama is so fat that that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama is so fat that when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling Free Willy. Yo mama is so fat that she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo mama is so fat that she cut her leg and gravy poured out Yo mama is so fat that she was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade… wearing ropes. Yo mama is so fat that she went on a light diet. As soon as it’s light she starts eating. Yo mama is so fat that she’s half Italian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama is so fat that her waist size is the Equator. Yo mama is so fat that she can’t even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama is so fat that she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama is so fat that when she got hit by a bus, she said, Who threw that rock at me? Yo mama is so fat that we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay for her because we dressed her up as a Toyota. Yo mama is so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama is so fat that she was cut from the cast of E.T., because she caused an eclipse when she rode the bike across the moon. Yo mama is so fat that when you get on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a car and had to go to the hospital to have it removed. Yo mama is so fat that she eats Wheat Thicks . Yo mama is so fat that we’re in her right now! Yo mama is so fat that she went to the movie theatre and sat next to everyone. Yo mama is so fat that she has been declared a natural habitat for condors. Yo mama is so fat that when she wants to shake someones hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama is so fat that even Dora can’t explore her! Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says to be continued . Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a resturant, she looks at the menu and says okay! Yo mama is so fat that even Chuck Norris couldn’t run around her. Yo mama is so fat that her neck looks like a dozen hot dogs! Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got her own area code! Yo mama is so fat that she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets. Yo mama is so fat that whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama is so fat that her legs are like spoiled milk – white & chunky! Yo mama is so fat that I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! Yo mama is so fat that she wakes up in sections! Yo mama is so fat that when she lies on the beach no one else gets any sun! Yo mama is so fat that that her senior pictures had to be taken from a helicopter! Yo mama is so fat that everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama is so fat that she fell and created the Grand Canyon! Yo mama is so fat that her butt drags on the ground and kids yell – there goes santa claus with his bag of toys! Yo mama is so fat that even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama is so fat that she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama is so fat that when she asked for a waterbed, they put a blanket over the ocean! Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama is so fat that they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping. Yo mama is so fat that when we were playing Call of Duty, I got a 20 kill streak for killing her. Yo mama is so fat that Dracula got Type 2 Diabetes after biting her neck. Yo mama is so fat that when she visited Toronto’s City Hall, she was arrested for attempting to smuggle 500 lbs of crack into Mayor Rob Ford’s office. Yo mama is so fat that when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama is so fat that that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama is so fat that when she went to church and sat on a bible, Jesus came out and said LET MY PEOPLE GO! Yo mama is so fat that when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama is so fat that she stands in two time zones. Yo mama is so fat that she went to the fair and the kids thought she was a bouncy castle. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama is so fat that the camera TAKES AWAY 10 lbs from her appearance. Yo mama is so fat that her sedan can fit 5 people… or just yo mama with the front seats removed. Yo mama is so fat that when she went to seaworld the whales started singing We Are Family . Yo mama is so fat that she fell out of both sides of her bed. Yo mama is so fat that the stripes on her pajamas never end. Yo mama is so fat, Al Gore accuses her of global warning everytime she farts! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got every caterer in the city on speed dial! Yo mama’s so fat that when she goes on a scale, it shows her own phone number. Yo mama’s so fat that she doesn’t need the internet – she’s worldwide. Yo mama’s so fat that when she goes on a scale, it reads lose some weight . Yo mama’s so fat that she doesn’t get dreams, she gets movies! Yo mama’s so fat that when she walks, she changes the earth’s rotation! Yo mama is so fat that she uses the entire country of Mexico as her tanning bed. the best yo momma jokes on the internet
Yosh and Stosh decided they were going to take a vacation back to their native land Poland. So they’re on the plane halfway across the Atlantic and everything is going great when the captain makes an announcement over the intercom. Folks, were having a little trouble with on of the engines and it stopped working. It’s not a big deal but I does mean we are going to be in the air a little longer . Yosh and Stosh are a little nervous but it’s ok, they’ll just get there a little late. After a little while the captain comes on the intercom once again. Folks, I have a little more bad news. Seems we’ve lost another engine so we’re going to be flying a little slower and so we’ll be in the air a little longer. Yosh and Stosh are a little nervous but if the captain says they will be ok, they believe him. A few hours go by and the captain makes another announcement. Well folks we’ve lost yet another engine but there’s no need to worry, we have one remaining, however, it does mean we’re going to be in the air longer still. After hearing this last announcement Stosh is visibly upset. He turns to Yosh and says wow this is crazy, if we lose that last engine we’ll never get down My mother is Polish and my father was not, so growing up we heard a lot of Polish jokes from my father. All in good fun of course. Here is my favorite.
You are driving a car, you have a firetruck behind you, a horse in front of you, a plane to your left flying ground level, a Police car to your right, all have the same speed as you, you are boxed in what you do to get out? Answer^Stepdownfromthekidscarusellandleaveroomforsomkids You are driving a car…
You are still not a planet but you are a star now kid! Be careful – too much sex can result in a balled spot.
You are still not a planet but you are a star now kid! Pluto I got good news!
You can get a free plane ticket to Washington (DC) by using the secret code used by undercover CIA agents use to communicate. If they hear you say the code word Al-ah-who, Ack-bar , they will put you on a plane to Washington FOR FREE, assuming you have an important message for the President. Here are some tips to make sure an agent hears your message: – Say it in a crowd of people, the more people there are around you, the more likely one will be an agent – Wear an extra large jacket so you stand out. – Carry a suitcase so that they understand that your request is urgent. How to get a free plane ticket to Washington
You can see her from more than 2 meters away in a hyperbolic plane. Yo mommas so fat
You can’t put a plane through linearly independent vectors What’s the difference between linearly independent vectors and the World Trade Centre?
You don’t think he did anything good? You’re wrong. How about the fact that when you take your wife or gf to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate? Has enough time passed in our country that we honestly and openly talk about the good things Osama Bin Laden did for us?
You fly a plane into the WTC Mixologists, bartenders, how to make a smoky manhattan?
You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth! [NSFW] How can you tell if your girlfriend is too young?
You have to make airplane noises to get your dick in her mouth. That is a bit harsh so I’ll do another blowjob joke. What do you call a Vietnamese blowjob? Gobbledegook Meh, that’s kinda racist and also insensitive. Why is sperm shaped like a tadpole? Because a woman would never swallow a frog. Blowjob question. For because. ‘Murica, save more buying nothing at all! It’s the art of the deal. I’m higher than giraffe pussy and sleep deprived. Ever wonder if your mom kissed you goodnight after blowing your dad? Or if you get a handjob with a sock puppet is that technically a blowjob? How can you tell if your date is too young?
You intersect it with a plane. How do you change the number of sides in a pentagon?
You know how you can tell if a shows going to be any good based on the pilot, since it sets the tempo for the entire show? I just realized that my dad didn’t like the pilot of my life… Pilot episode
You know, ’cause it was a pilot light The Germanwings plane was a lot like a small flame used as an ignition source
You should have seen the look on the co-pilot’s face when I grabbed that parachute. I decided to leave work an hour early today
You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If: They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, Just once. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel. No frills Airline
You’re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes! But, you must always remember that until the purse has actually been thrown , it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper. That, guys, is how you explain the football offside rule to the ladies. Finally, after so many years, l found this! Offside rule for women
You’re so ugly that when they went looking for flight MH370 black box they found your vagina You’re so ugly that
