A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention.. so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
Stevie Wonder Stevie Wonder isn’t really blind. Dude always wears a watch, he goes to a lot of basketball games, he is always on camera looking at people in the eyes, reaching out to hug them before they actually get to him, I’m convinced but I’ll never be able to prove it Here’s How To Prove It: Go to one of his concerts and during a pause when it gets quiet just go, HEY STEVIE and whip a brick at him. If he ducks, he’s lying. If he doesn’t, well, you’re basically an asshole and also he still may or may not be blind.
A duck walks into a bar… He waddles up to the bartender and says, Got any grapes? The bartender says, No, now get out of here! , and kicks the duck out the door. The next day, the same duck walks into the bar, waddles up to the bartender and says, Got any grapes? The bartender is incensed. He picks up a hammer from behind the bar and chases the duck out of his establishment. If you ever come in here asking for grapes again, I’ll nail your bill to the floor! The next day, the duck walks in, waddles up to the bartender and says, Got any nails? No! , says the bartender. …got any grapes?
A Man Orders a Drink at the Bar While the bartender is fixing his drink the man sets a tiny piano and a little man on the bar. The little man sits on the bench and begins to play the piano. The bartender walks over with the mans drink and says where did you get this? The man pulls a crystal out of his pocket and hands it to the bartender. I got it from this wishing crystal. How does it work? asks the bartender. Just hold it in your hand, close your eyes, and make a wish. The bartender does just that and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. The bartender opens his eyes and sees his bar filled with ducks. He looks at the man and says what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks! The man takes the crystal back and says yeah, its a bit finicky with the wishes, how do you think i ended up with a 12 inch pianist?
What is a joke that only makes sense in your own regional dialect/accent? Sorry for a post that’s not a joke but I’m interested. Here’s one from where I am. These two ducks are flying over Ballymena. The first one says, quack quack and the second one says, slow down! I’m coming as quack as I cyan.
Three Ladies Died and Went to Heaven… When they arrived, St. Peter greeted them and said: You may do whatever you please in Heaven, but don’t step on the ducks. As expected, there were ducks everywhere. Very soon, one of the ladies stepped on a duck. St. Peter came to the woman and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. For stepping on a duck, you will be forced to be with this ugly man for the rest of eternity. The second lady tried extremely hard not to step on a duck, but soon failed. St. Peter came again and handcuffed her to a hideously ugly man. For stepping on a duck, you will have to spend the rest of eternity with this ugly man, he told her before leaving. The third woman was determined to not step on any ducks. After a few months of not stepping on a duck, St. Peter came to her with a gorgeously handsome man. He then handcuffed them to each other and told them that they would have to spend eternity together. After he had left, the woman asked what she could have did to have deserve such a handsome man. The man simply answered: I don’t know lady, but I stepped on a duck.
Ducky from NCIS clones himself and he and his clone walk into a bar and sit by Maverick’s wingman at the bar…… The bartender walks up and says Duck…Duck….Goose.. .
Is This A Joke? A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, why the long face? The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse’s handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it’s knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it’s closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says Can you put me up for the night? The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask Is this some kind of a joke?
Jean-Claude and Michelle Jean-Claude and Michelle are a couple living in France. One day, Jean-Claude comes home from work in the snail factory and his super hairy-legged girlfriend Michelle says: Jean-Claude, today ze light-bulb, it has gone out. You must change it for me. And after guzzling a bottle of wine and reading a boring and absurdly incomprehensible novel about nothingness, Jean-Claude says, What am I? Ze Electricien? The next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work in his silly little car that has a horn that sounds like a sick duck and Michelle, who has spent the day posing at a cafe pretending to be reading a tiny newspaper while drinking sludge, says: Jean-Claude, today ze sink eet eez dripping, you must fix eet for me. Jean-Claude ponders capitulating without a fight to Germany and then says, What am I? Ze Plommaire? The very next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work wearing a really stupid beret and wearing a striped shirt even though he doesn’t play rugby and Michelle who is carrying around two loaves of really long bread says: Oh, Jean-Claude, today your friend Pierre came over. He change ze light-bulb and he fix ze sink for me. Jean-Claude ponders taking a bath sometime within the next month, but instead says, Oh, but I know zis Pierre. He never does anysing for nossing. What did he want? He gave me 2 choices: he said I can make heem ze dinner fancy or… sleep wiss heem. Which one did you choose? What am I? Ze Chef French?
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention.!! so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
A man gets home from work… he walks inside, takes off his coat, grabs a cold beer, and walks out to his rocking chair on the porch and takes a seat. As he is relaxing, he notices his neighbors little boy Billy walking past his house with some duct tape. The man shouts out to the boy, What you got there Billy? . Duct tape What you doing with duct tape son? . Gonna go catch some ducks . The man laughs to himself saying That’s not gonna work. About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 ducks wrapped up in some duct tape. The man thinks to himself, There is no way . A little while later, here comes Billy again holding some chicken wire. What you got there Billy? Chicken wire. What you gonna do with that? Gonna catch some chickens. The Man laughs and shouts to Billy You know that’s not how you catch chickens. The boy ignored and went on his way. About 15 minutes later, here comes Billy with 3 chickens caught up in some chicken wire. The man looks out in disbelief. How’d you catch those Billy? With the chicken wire. The man is astonished. A couple minutes later, here comes Billy again holding a flower. What you got there Billy? The boy replies, A Pussywillow . The man shouts back, Hold on, I’ll get my coat.
Mad cow disease jokes So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm. The other cow replies, Hell, I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks. A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease? Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year? Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow? And did you know we milk the cows twice a day? Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point? Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?
Yo, a neighbor was out there chillin’ on his lawn When a guy walks past, hey, let’s call him Shawn Shawn says, Hey man I got me some chicken wire… Why’re you out here doin nothin man? ** I’m here to perspire. ** Sure man sure, with this wire you see… … Imma catch me some chickens, you feel me? ** Idiot Shawn! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire boy! ** ** That toy, man it’s useless, as useless as a skateboard for Sir Chris Hoy. ** ** If you catch anything Shawn, why I’ll eat my hat! ** He came back later with chickens lined one by one. And the neighbour did exactly that! It was no fun. The next day our boy Shawn came out and said Why I got me some duct tape to catch me some ducks ** Idiot! You need bread! Do you take me for a schmuck? ** Do you have a spare hat? ** Yes Shawn, just bought one. Paid 50 bucks. ** Well you’re gonna need to get that hat… …I’m comin back with ducks! Surely enough the ducks were there in line one by one. In amazement he ate his sombrero, his protection from the sun. Day Three came and Shawn said, Hey Doug I got me some pussy willow, wanna come? Without a second thought, Doug leapt out of his chair and said, ** Do you have a hat you could possibly spare? **
That thought though.. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
A man walks into a bar… His friends ducked.
Happy Ducks (NSWF) Three ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, Thanks man, my name is Huey. The bartender says Nice to meet you Huey! How’s your day been? Huey replies Man! I have had the best day ever… I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn’t ask for a better day! The bartender congratulates Huey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, Thanks man, my name is Dewey. The bartender says Nice to meet you Dewey! How’s your day been? Dewey replies Man! I can’t remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever! The bartender congratulates Dewey on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says Let me guess…your friend’s names are Huey and Dewey, so you must be Louie The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON’T ask me how my f**king day has been!
Are you Paying attention in class room? A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
Two ducks and a rabbi walk into a bar… … the rabbi is suspicious of the ducks because the ducks have pulled pranks on him before. So the rabbi goes to the ducks and says, Alright ducks, don’t try anything funny. And the ducks go, Silly rabbi. Tricks are for kids. An original of my own. Figured I’d share it here. The response I get from my friends is Ducks can’t talk.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
A duck walks up to a bar… And he asked the bartender if he had any grapes. No, this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes And the duck walked away. — The next day the duck came back to the bar and asked Got any grapes? The bartender said, No, like I said yesturday, we do not have grapes, nor will serve any in the near future. And the duck walked away. — By the third day the duck came to the bar, the bartender was already pretty pissed. It was no shock that when the duck asked for grapes again, the man said, this is the third time I said no, and if you come back I’m going to nail you to a tree. And the duck walked away. — By day four it was obvious this duck was quite the troll, and the bartender was visibly mad. Surprisingly, the duck asked, Got any nails? The man, taken back slightly by this, replied, no, why would you ask? The duck then asked a follow up question: Got any grapes? The bartender had duck roast that night. Watch the broken bones , he would say to his family as they enjoyed their meal.
Three girls die and go to heaven… They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished . The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. What did I do to deserve such a nice thing? she asks God. God looks at her and says, He stepped on a duck.
A horse walks into a bar Trots up and stands by the counter, waiter walks over and asks what’ll us have today sir? The horse looks up stares into space then all of a sudden kicks up a huge buck, knocks over 2 tables, a few chairs, glasses of beer and spirits are flying everywhere, patrons are ducking for cover as the horse bucks around! He eventually finds the door and bolts off down the street, well because he’s a horse….horses can’t talk.
Sharp student A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!
The most functional word in English language is… The most functional word in the English language is… Shit. That’s right, shit! Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of life. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.
Case In Court After The Jasleen Kaur Case He argued… She argued… . . . . He shouted… She shouted… . . . . .. and then she cried…… . . . . Result: She won by Duckworth-Lewis method !!
Why engineers are boring After The Jasleen Kaur Case He argued… She argued… . . . . He shouted… She shouted… . . . . .. and then she cried…… . . . . Result: She won by Duckworth-Lewis method !!
Three women break out of prison… ..a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They hear the marshal and his men coming so they duck into a near by potato barn. They find three potato sacks and jump in covering themselves from head to toe. The marshal sends his deputy into the potato barn to check it out. The deputy see’s the three sacks looking out of place, so he steps up to the sack with the redhead and kicks it. Woof. says the redhead. Just a dog in there. says the not to bright deputy. He kicks the sack with the brunette. Meow. purrs the brunette. Just a cat. says the deputy. He kicks the sack with the blonde in it. Nothing happens. He gives it another kick. Potato says the blonde.
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realizes that he hasn’t had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. At the end of the night the barman is locking up and the duck is still dancing. The barman thinks oh well time for bed the duck will stop dancing when he wants and the barman goes to bed. In the morning the barman comes down to open up to see the duck still dancing away on the biscuit tin. The barman thinks to himself, he must really like dancing I’ll leave him be. People flock far and wide to look at this dancing duck and with that buying drinks. Throughout the day the barman has taken more money then he normally takes in a whole month. The barman is just locking up at the end of the night and the duck is still dancing away. The barman is concerned that his ‘investment’ might wear himself out as he’s been dancing for the past 24 hours. Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has never taking so much money in the last 24 hours, but he says – There is one thing… How do you get the duck to stop dancing? to which the man replies — Oh simple – just take the lid of the biscuit box and blow out the candle.
Two men walk into a bar… The third one ducks.
Dads… on the loose… 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid’s 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko… 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer What is brown and sticky? A stick. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH. What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter– he can’t come to you anyway. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses. What’s yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Why does Tigger smell bad? He’s always playing with pooh. What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley. How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash. Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice. You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots. Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don’t serve vegetables! The mushroom responds, But I’m a fungi! How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant? Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don’t sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? Look, here come the grapes! (Jane was colorblind.) What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? Here come the elephants! Tarzan wasn’t colorblind. What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time! How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree. Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn’t it? How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can’t get the door closed. How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There’s a Volkswagen parked out front. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you’re pooped out.
A guy walks into a bar… A guy walks into a bar carrying a box under his arm. The bartender looks up and asks him what he wants to drink then asks him what he is carrying around in the box. The guy just says Oh it’s nothing and drinks his drink. The bartender persists and asks him again about the box. The guy relents and opens up the box and a tiny man pops out, bows and starts playing Chopin on a tiny piano. The bartender is amazed and asks the man where he came across such an amazing oddity. The man tells him there is a genie outside granting wishes. The bartender runs outside sees the genie and immediately asks for a million bucks. The genie says Your wish had been granted . All of the sudden a million ducks appear and begin quacking. The bartender, confused, walks back inside and tells the man about all the ducks outside. The man says I think the genie is hard of hearing, do you really think I would ask for a twelve inch pianist?
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME 😉 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Texas Three Kick Rule. A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm. The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm’s side of the fence. The lawyer, excited, rushed over and hopped the fence, only to find the farmer holding the duck by it’s legs. That is my duck sir, may I have it back? Fell on muh property son. Looks like it’s MY duck. After a little arguing the lawyer lost his temper. The lawyer told the farmer that he would sue his ass if he didn’t hand over the duck. The farmer said, Well son let me finish. You ain’t from ’round here so I wouldn’t ‘spect you to understand how we do things here in Texas. Ok, how do you do things in this backwoods shithole? Three kick rule boy. I kick you three times, since this is my property then you git to kick me three times. We keep on goin’ til one of us gives up. Assuming he could out kick the fragile old man, the lawyer agreed. He stood tall and let the farmer go first. The farmer’s first kick with his heavy steel toe boots, landed between the lawyer’s testicles. It dropped him to all fours. The 2nd kick nearly tore his nose off, and the third kick, while he was rolling around in the mud, hit him square in the gut. After a moment, the lawyer arose and gathered all of his strength. ALRIGHT YOU OLD HICK MY TURN Nah son…I give up. Take your duck.
Whenever I throw bread at the birds in the river I always miss Because they duck.
M R Ducks Person 1: M R Ducks. Person 2: M R Not. Person 1: O S A R. C M Wangs? Person 2: L I B. M R Ducks! My grandmother told me this when I was 5ish. Don’t know why it cracks me up.
The Rooster A fox got into the rooster pen at a chicken farm and killed all the roosters. Distraught the farmer headed down the road to buy some new roosters. He had many chickens that needed servicing to make new baby chickens. So the farmer shows up at his neighbors house and asks if he has any roosters to sell. The neighbor says that he only has one for sale but it will take care of all the farmers needs. The farmer tells his neighbor that the. The neighbor assures the farmer that this one rooster will do the trick. So with no other option farmer agrees to buy the rooster. The neighbor whistles and the scrawniest, ugliest, rooster you have ever seen walks up to them. This rooster has about 4 feathers total, is missing an eye and looks like he’s about to die. The farmer reluctantly picks up this poor excuse for a rooster and takes him home. He sets the rooster by the hen coop and says well rooster do your thing . At that the rooster takes off like a bolt of lighting, feathers are flying out of the coop’s window, hens are going crazy and bam, bam, bam the rooster services 500 hens in about 15 minutes. Impressed the farmer heads back to tend to his other chores. Later that afternoon as the farmer is haying a field he sees the rooster swimming in the pond and BAM BAM BAM that rooster services all the ducks in the pond. Wow the farmer thinks what a great rooster. Later that evening as the farmer is sitting on the porch he notices the pheasants in his field are going crazy. Next thing you know he sees the rooster jump in the air catching pheasant after pheasant and taking them right there on the ground. THIS ROOSTER IS AMAZING the farmer things to himself. Impressed with his purchase the farmer goes to bed and sleeps better than he has in ages. The next morning the farmer gets up, makes his morning coffee, and heads out to check on his hens. Low and behold the rooster is laying in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling over head, dead as a door nail. The farmer begins to wail YOU WERE THE BEST ROOSTER EVER WHY, WHY GOD DID YOU HAVE TO DIE the farmer approaches the roosters corpse and gently puts the roosters head in his lap and begins to cry uncontrollably. Just then the rooster’s eye pops open and with a featherless wing he points to the sky and wispers Shhhhh they’re getting closer!
What mouse has two legs? Mickey Mouse. What duck has two legs?
How about a dirty joke? the new born white duckling fell into the mud. the filthy, filthy mud.
Blonde joke Two blondes walk into a bar, the third one ducked.
[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub… …they go up to the bar. It isn’t every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Davey,’ says the duck. ‘How’s your day been?’ asked the barman. ‘Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.’ ‘oh that’s nice.’ says the barman. He turns to the second duck. ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Donny’, the duck answers. ‘So, how’s your day been Donny?’ asks the barman. ‘Great. had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.’ The barman smiles at him and turns to the third duck, ‘So, what’s your name?’ ‘I’m Puddles. And don’t bother asking about my fucking day.’
A duck walks into a 7-11 And browses around for a bit. Unable to find what he’s looking for, he walks up to the cashier and asks, Hey, where do you keep the chapstick? The cashier immediately begins to panic — I mean, this is a duck, and it’s talking. Clearly the gods are angry at him, and are punishing him with this duck. The cashier pulls out a gun kept below the register in case of robberies, turns off the safety, points it to his temple, and pulls the trigger. The cashier falls to the ground, lifeless. The duck stands there and stares at the body, and says, That was fucking weird, why’d I ask for chapstick? I don’t even have lips.
Two men walk into a bar The third one ducks
This ain’t any ol’ stick An old man was sitting on his front porch one day when a boy walked by carrying a bundle of wire. The old man asked What are you going to do with all that wire boy? The boy looked up and gleefully said This isn’t any ol’ wire, this is chicken wire and I’m gonna catch me some chickens! The old man laughed and said You don’t catch chickens with chicken wire silly boy. The boy skipped off and later that afternoon sure enough the old man saw the boy skipping across the street with three chickens. The next day the old man was back at his usual spot on his front porch and he saw the saw boy again but this time carrying a roll of tape. What are you going to do with that tape boy? This ain’t any ol’ tape, this is duck tape and I’m gonna catch me some ducks. The old man laughed at the boy claiming you don’t catch ducks with duck tape. The boy continued on and later that evening the boy returned with two ducks in his grasp. The next day the boy was walking by carrying a large stick. The old man asked again What are you going to do with that stick boy? The boy replied this ain’t any ol’ stick, this is pussy willow and I’m gonna…. The old man jumped up and said Hold on, let me get my hat!
Baby skunk and baby duck (racism) A baby duck and baby skunk were talking about random everything. Then the baby duck says ‘What am I?’ The skunk says ‘I don’t know. What am I?’ ‘I don’t really know, but I think baby cat would know. Let’s go ask.’ So they find baby cat, and ask him. He looks at baby duck, ‘You are yellow, with webbed feet and feathers. You must be a duck’ He looks at the skunk ‘And you are not all black…and you are not all white. You also smell like shit. You must be a Mexican!’
Two men walk into a bar…… …the third sees this and ducks.
A guy walks into a bar… A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can’t see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from. Here, says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, rub this. So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie. What do you wish for? asks the genie. A million bucks, the man states, quite sure of himself. Granted. And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp. The man looks around, checks his wallet but can’t find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: Hey! I didn’t ask for a million ducks! Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist? replied the bartender.
A duck is waddling around… …and he waddles his way up to a lemonade stand. The duck goes up the the guy and says Quack! You got any grapes? What? No. The guy exclaimed This is a lemonade stand, why would I have grapes? Quack! Okay. He says, and he waddles away. About an hour goes by and the duck waddles his way back to the lemonade stand and, once again, he asks Quack! You got any grapes? No, duck, I already told you I don’t have any grapes! The guy exclaims. Quack! Says the duck Okay and he waddles away. Another hour goes by and the duck waddles back and, yet again, asks the man Quack! You got any grapes? God damn, duck, I already fucking told you that I don’t have grapes. The guy says as he gets mad You ask me that again and I’ll staple your annoying bill closed! Now piss off. Quack. Says the duck as he waddles away. Three hours later, the ducks starts waddling his way back. He stops when he gets close, looks at the man, then continues over to him. Quack! You got any staples? The duck asks. What!? No, why on earth would I have staples? Quack! You got any grapes?
How do you get down from an Elephant? You don’t get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck!
