Probably The Best Duck Jokes of All Time

How do you get down off a horse? You don’t, you get down off a duck.

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks in a shopping bag. He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom. The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can’t help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says, Hello there, little duck. What’s your name? ^( The name’s Huey. ) Pleased to meet you, Huey. How’s your day? ^( Pretty good. We went to the park and we’ve been in and out of puddles all day. ) Oh, that’s nice, says the bartender. He moves to the second duck and says, And what’s your name, little guy? ^( The name’s Dewey. ) Well hello, Dewey. How’s your day been? ^( Fine, just fine. Went to the park. Been in and out of puddles all day. ) Well that sounds like great fun. The bartender looks to the last duck. Let me guess. Your name is Louie, right? The third duck looks up and says, ^( No, dammit. The name’s Puddles and I’m in no mood to talk about my day alright?! )

Why does Trump wear a hairpiece? Because he thought the kids on the roller coaster were making fun of him when they shouted Donald, duck! Yep.

Two men walk into a bar The third ducks. LOL

There are four guys walking down the sidewalk. The first three walk into a bar. The last one ducked.

Drunk Jokes (1)Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen. 1st Man: No it’s true let me prove it to you. So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke. 1st Man: No, I’ll prove it again and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it. he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors… and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’ Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk. (2)A drunk was walking down the beach when he came across a genie lamp. Being somewhat skeptical, the drunk half-heartedly rubbed the lamp. To his amazement there was a puff of blue smoke, and a genie appeared! You now have one wish , said the Genie. But I thought I got three , protested the drunk. You’ve been watching too much TV said the genie. Now make it quick! In that case, I’ll take a MILLION BUCKS! In an instant there was another puff of smoke and the genie, as well as the lamp, were gone. Surrounding the drunk were ducks, as far as the eye could see. First furious, then utterly depressed, the drunk walked aimlessly for miles down the beach followed by an endless procession of ducks. Finally, in the distance, he saw the bright neon lights of an ocean-side bar. Now, that’s what I need! he thought to himself. And, doing what came naturally, he went inside to drown his sorrows. As he sat down at the bar another gentleman, noticing the ducks, said Hey pal, what gives? Oh this stupid genie is hard of hearing! I actually asked for a million BUCKS! I see , said the second man. You know, I once found a genie lamp too! Really? said the drunk. What did you get? The second man pulled a small piano out of his pocket, then a miniature stool. Finally he took a one-foot-tall man out of his pocket who sat down and started playing bar songs. That’s something else! But why did you ask for that? inquired the drunk. Come on… responded the second man, You don’t REALLY think I asked for a 12-inch pianist do you? (3) A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, I watched what you did and I don’t understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one! The drunk stated, I’ve been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!! . (4)A drunken guy was driving down a one way street the wrong way, a cop stopped him and asked didn’t you see the arrows? The drunk driver replied Arrows, Hell I didn’t even see the Indians. (5)Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. Easy, was the reply. Tonight was my turn to be the decoy . (6)Three guys come into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over the weekend. The first says, I was so drunk Saturday I was blowing chunks all night. The second says, That’s nothing. I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up spending Sunday in jail. The third then says Big deal. I got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home, and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on us. The first guy then interupts and says, But you dont understand… Chunks is my dog. (7)A drunk was walking along the beach when he saw a bottle. He stopped and rubbed it and a genie popped out. You have 3 wishes said the genie. The alcholic said, I’ll take a bottle that is never empty. Whamo he has a bottle that is never empty and starts to drink. The genie taps him on the shoulder and says, and what are your other two wishes? Oh, says the alcoholic, I’ll have two more like this one. (8)One day in Dodge City, a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon, gets off of his horse, and ties him up to the hitchin post. He then walks around back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horses backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon. Across the street an oldtimer can’t believe what he has just seen, so he rushes across the street and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar. Hey mister he says, did you just kiss your hoss’ ass? Yup says the cowboy. The oldtimer says, if you don’t mind me askin, why’d you do that? Cuz I got chapped lips, says the cowboy And kissin your hoss’ ass cures chapped lips? Nope says the cowboy, but it sure keeps me from licking them. (9)Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud. The passenger, Bubba,said. Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!! Don’t worry Bubba Gator said. We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat . What fer? Asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin okay? Said Gator. Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, You boys been drinkin? . No sir Gator said. We’re on the patch. (10)If you’re not supposed to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? (11)A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke’s all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them….One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, Four pints, please, mate! The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them….One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back…. One, Two, Three. Two pintsh, mate! he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go…. One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, One pint, mate. So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, Y’know, it’sh a funny t’ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get… (12)A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate. What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers! I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls, replies the drunk. With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop wringer bucket! (13)Two drunks were walking along a railroad track. One says, All these stairs are killing me. The other says, It’s not the stairs that kill me, it’s these low railings. (14)A man walks into a bar and notices a 100-dollar bill in a frame above the bar. He asks the barkeep, Was that the first hundred you made? No , replied the bartender. That’s for a contest we have but no one’s ever won. I want to play , said the man. Well , said the barkeep, There are three parts to this contest: The first thing you have to do is knock out that bouncer over there. Only one man has ever done that. The second thing you have to do is go out back. I have a pit-bull out there with a loose tooth. You have to pull that tooth out. The guy who knocked out my bouncer ended up in the hospital when he tried that one. Finally, you have to make love to that 400-pound woman sitting at the back of the bar. Upon hearing the third requirement, the man said No thanks, I’ll pass . However, after a good amount of drinking the man reconsidered and yelled to the barkeep Bring it on! What’s first? The bouncer said the bartender. Upon hearing this, the man promptly walked over to the bouncer and laid him out with one punch. Impressive! Now for the pit-bull , said the bartender. The man went out back. For about five minutes all that could be heard was barking and crashing, and finally a dog’s whimper. The man walked back into the bar proudly and, zipping up his pants, said Now where’s that fat bitch with the loose tooth? (15)This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, I can’t believe I lost 100 pounds! (16)What’s the difference between a bar and a g-spot? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. (17)Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder… (18)What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic. (19)Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. One thing about Jim, his buddy said to the bartender, He knows when to stop. (20)There was a guy who had at least 4-5 drinks of whiskey every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire! (21)How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you? There’s a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary. (22)Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. (23)What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk. (24)How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty One. One to hold the bulb and twenty to drink until the room spins. (25) A Poem: A beer was spilt on the barroom floor, And the bar was closed for the night… And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse, Who made a funny sight… He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor, And back on his haunches he sat… And all through the night you could hear him yell, Bring on the damn cat! (26)After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time. Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend’s hand and cries, The day we left, I didn’t think I’d really see you here! The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, Who left? (27)A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on. The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling? The husband replies, No – I’m turning the heating off. (28)Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. (29)Two young Irish men were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said, I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking? The other one said, Two rattlesnakes! (30)A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man’s left and one walked to the man’s right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, Now how in the hell did she do that? (31)This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, That seat’s taken! The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan. Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears. (32)The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. Good lord, mister, he gasped, Are you drunk? Of course, said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. What the hell do you think I am … a stunt driver? (33)A man walks into a bar and orders a beer and the bartender asks him to pay up. The guy says he has no money, but for the beer, he will sing through his asshole. The bartender is a little bit skeptical, but figures if the guy can do it, it’s worth a beer. He agrees and the guy gets up on a stool, drop his pants, bends over, and then shits all over the bar. The bartender is pissed and screams, What the hell did you do that for? The guy replies, Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. (34)Another rotten poem: Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell are you I think. I’m not under what you call, The alcofluence of incohol. I’m just a little slort of sheep, I’m not drunk like thinkle peep. I don’t know who is me yet, But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, ‘Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. (35)A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn’t have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, Who’s Jesus Christ? The bum replies, Well, I am. The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again? (36)A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk. Our wasted friend asked, Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk? Yeah, buddy, I’m sure, said the copper. Let’s go. Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple. (37)Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style? asked one of the two. Well, not exactly, his friend replied, She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it. Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh? Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead. (38)A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, You want to play Magic ? She says, What’s that? The guy answers, We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear. (39) There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When the bar closes he gets up to go home. He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get out of the door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by. He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face. The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall. By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, Not feeling too STRONG tonight, ARE YOU, BATMAN! (40)This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk. What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon? he asks. It’s the only way I can drink it since my accident, the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order. What kind of accident was that? The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, I once knocked over a drink with my elbow. (41)An Irish guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, Hey, you got a steering wheel on your pecker. The man replies, Ay, it’s driving me nuts! (42) A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in! (43)A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter. (44)Bill sat at The Local Bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, I’ll bet you 50 bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can’t wheel it back. Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn’t much of a challenge. I’ll take you on, he said. The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. Now let’s see what you’re made of, taunted Bill. Okay, said the challenger. Get in. (45)This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand. The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing. So the bartender asks the guy, Hey man I hope you don’t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks? The man say’s, I have to get my date drunk! (46)While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. He says, Say, honey. . . I’d really like to get into those pants o’ yours. Thanks, she shot back, but I’ve already got an asshole in there. (47)Sitting at the bar, glum Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. Yeah, said Roger, would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up? No way in hell, the bartender said. Well, said Roger, neither would my fianc e. (48)A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick! The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast. The guy replies, Well, you’d drink that fast too if you had what I have. The bartender says Oh my God! What is it? What do you have? The guy says, Fifty cents. (49) McNamara walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. Excuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. What was that all about? Nothing, said the Irishman, My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives. (50)Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey! How about it babe? You and me? As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars. She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by the inch?

Can’t-Lose Man Chapter 2: Butt-chin boy It’s been 4 years since that day. Now I am a 33 year old unemployed self proclaimed Can’t-Lose Man. I have fought countless monsters and killed them all. In the beginning I used to have really fun battles with them until I won, but lately I have been squashing monsters and beating villains with as little as one punch. Why’s that? I wanted to be a hero so I can save the world and have fun, not just punch and kill! Fighting now is sooooooooo boring! I want to meet Super-Duper Man maybe he can offer stimulus to my existence. Wait… Just relax. Maybe all I need to do is clear my head and try something new. I have been fighting monster and monster and evil warlords for 4 years now. Maybe i need to fight someone who is different. Not a villain but a person who still has high levels of experience in the art of killing. I need to fight a martial artist. Exactly where do I find that savage kung-fu killer is the real problem. I don’t know any martial artists. I searched the streets over and over searching for that one person that can reignit my passion for fighting. But…I didn’t find him. Sir… I try to stop a man as he walks down the street. He simply ignores me. Sir… I try again but he simply shrugs me off. Sir sir sir sir sir… WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!? Are you a martial artist? Are you mental? Do you have a drug problem. Uuugh no? Well get away from me. The man leaves me as he continues walking down the street. I try to stop a woman this time. But before I can ask her she screams MOLESTER!!!!! and runs away from me. This went on and on for sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long! Finally when I got tired of asking people a homeless old man approaches me. Boy I watched you all day. If you want to find a martial artist try looking in a Dojo. Dojo? Yes. One of the world’s best Dojo’s is Sensie Buttchan’s academy for Butt-chin-Fu. Really!? Yes it’s on 1234 Cheese Burger Street. THANK YOU OLD MAN!!!! No problem. I just hope that you find the person the rekindles your passion for killing. Immediately I ran as fast as I could to the Dojo. Surprisingly i was only 150 kilometers away. When I arrived to the Dojo I slammed open the door so hard the glass broke. Oh sorry. Apparently there was a class going on at the moment. They all stop and look at me. I didn’t mean to. Who are you? A middle aged man with a giant butt-chin appears from the crowd of martial artists. WOW!!! Look at all these people! And they ALL know how to fight! Wow this will surely reignite my passion! I am Can’t-Lose Man! And i want to fight someone so strong that he will reignite my passion for fighting! Are you mental? Are you on drugs? Uuugh no. Well I would’ve told you to leave but you broke my door. And none breaks my door and gets away with it! The middle aged man leaps 15 meters into the air at me. To tell you the truth he was too slow it was too easy to dodge. He he lands he immediately tries to throw a roundhouse kick at me. I dodge it again. I dodge every single one of his attacks as he tries to hit me. I duck hit lead hand punch and uppercut him in his giant butt-chin. I was expecting him to fall in the floor but to me surprise he doesn’t budge. At this academy we perfect the art of Butt-Chin-Fu. A little hit like this means nothing to my butt-chin! He punches me in my chin! WOW! Now this is fun! That actually hurt! Show me more! I want to feel more pain! Come on fight MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I throw one more punch at his butt-chin this time It’s at 40%. His butt-chin turns into a regular chin from the impact as he couches up blood from his mouth. He was blasted into the ceiling of the club. He came back down unconscious. Is that it? It was so boring! Maybe he wasn’t the leader. Come on who else wants to fight me! All the other martial artists shriek like little girls as the all run away from me. Looks like I still didn’t find that person. I walk out of the club sad. Before I leave a teenage boy run after me. Wait! What do you want? I saw what you did to Sensie Buttchan! Please accept me as your disciple! Sorry kid I fly solo. Please! No. PLEASE!!! Go away. I walk away back to my apartment sad (like usual). But something in my mind keeps lingering. That night I had a dream that I will be this boy’s teacher. Nah, it’s just dream there’s no way.

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home. He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm. What the hell’s going on, Steve? asks the woman. What do you think of the pig? That’s not a pig, it’s a duck. I wasn’t talking to you.

Three women die in a car wreck and go to heaven… When they arrive at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greets them. Welcome to heaven! There is only one rule here in heaven. You must never step on a duck. Enjoy your stay! The three women shrug and burst through the gates. When their eyes finally adjust to the glow, they see that the ground in heaven is absolutely covered in ducks. After some time, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter immediately shows up and grabs her arm. A few seconds later, she is handcuffed to an old man who looks and smells like death. The woman solemnly accepts her eternal fate. After some more time, the second woman also accidentally steps on a duck. Saint Peter shows up, and she suffers the same fate. The third woman, terrified of the consequences, finds one duckless spot and just stands there for a millennium. Finally, Saint Peter shows up, and without ushering a word, handcuffs her to Jesus Christ himself. Oh my! The women exclaims. Am I finally being rewarded for my obedience!? After an awkward cough Jesus looks at her and says I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

A teacher and the funny Johnny A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!

So a duck walks into a chicken house And says wtf r u doing here chicken then the chicken fires back with no wtf r U doing here duck , woah settle down chicken time to get ruff says the duck. No time for crime says the chicken. And they battle to the death as chicken on goers watch this brutal fight between the duck lord chicken bitch.

Three friends decide to sell their three ducks… The first man takes his duck, knocks on a stranger’s door, and says Hello ma’am, would you like to buy my duck? The woman says, Sure I will give you $5 for your duck. The man says Great and they make the exchange. The second friend goes up to another house, knocks and asks the owner if he’d like to buy his duck. The home owner says Sure how about $10? Great , the duck owner responds and they make the exchange. The third friend knocks on a door and asks the lady who answers if she’d like to buy his duck. I don’t have any money on me right now, but my husband is away and if you come in I’ll exchange sex for your duck. The man says Great , walks in, and they have a passionate love making session. It was so great that as the man is walking out the door, the woman says That was amazing can we go another round? He replies that he’d rather get going. You can have your duck back if you fuck me one more time she entices. Great , says the man and walks back in for round two. Thirty minutes later he is walking back out the door with his duck in his arms when it flies out of his hands, lands in the street, and gets demolished by an 18-wheeler. The truck driver gets out and says, I’m so sorry man can I pay you for killing your duck? Here’s $15. The former duck owner says Great and goes to meet back up with his two friends. What’d y’all get for y’all’s ducks? the man asks. I got $5 for my duck, says the first. Ha I got $10 for my duck, gloats the second. The third, with a smile on his face, says: Oh yeah? I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $15 for a fucked up duck.

A teacher was teaching…. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!

A duck went on vacation and stayed in a nice hotel. [NSFW?] A duck went on vacation. He flew in and got a room at a really fancy hotel. He had some time to kill, so he went down to a bar. While he was there, he met a beautiful woman. He started talking to her. Things were going really well, so he asked her if she wanted to head back to his hotel room. She smiled and said yes. When they got to the hotel room, she started to undress. The duck realized that he didn’t have any protection. Since he didn’t want to have a duckling with a lady he barely knew, he called for room service and asked for a condom. The man from room service came to the room and knocked on the door. The duck opened the door, and the man held out a silver platter with a condom on it. Here you are, sir, he said. Would you like me to put this on your bill? The duck was confused and a bit disgusted. Um, no, he said. That’s not where it goes.

Top 10 Funniest Animal Jokes Q. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? A. It gets toad away. A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, Does your dog bite? The shopkeeper says, No, my dog does not bite. The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. Ouch! He says, I thought you said your dog does not bite! The shopkeeper replies, That is not my dog! Q. Why did the lion brake up with his girlfriend? A. Cuz she was a CHEETAH! Snake 1: Are we poisonous?’ Snake 2: I don’t know, why?’ Snake 1: I just bit my lip.’ Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. How do you breathe through something so small? A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, Is this dog faithful? The man replied, Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me. Q. Why did the duck get arrested? A. because he was selling quack Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: Put it on my bill. There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, Mmmm, I smell sausage! Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, Mmmm, I smell pancakes! Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, The only thing I smell is molasses. A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.’ Why not?’ the snake asks. Because you can’t hold your liquor.

Three Nuns Walked Into A Bar The fourth one ducked.

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby. A nurse came up to the man and said, ‘You have a girl, but there’s another one on the way, so come back soon.’ ‘Twins,’ he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way. ‘Good grief,’ he thought. He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number – and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess. As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, ‘The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.’

The Farmer’s new cock. A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head. You horny bastard! You deserve this. He tells the cock. The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, Sshhhh! Don’t shout.. Wait for them to land..

A teacher is teaching a class A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t PAYING attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, .None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream.Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!

One I head While listening to Brudda Iz. Three ducks are brought before a Judge to face Trial. The first ducks steps up in front of the judge. The judge asks What is your name and why are you here? The duck replies. My name is Quack and I was caught blowing Bubbles in the Pond The judge replies Okay I sentence you 6 months probation move on And calls for the next. The second duck steps up and the judge Asks What is your name and what are you here? The duck replies My name is Quack Quack and I was caught blowing Bubbles in the pond too. The judge sighs Okay, your sentence same as the first, move on. and calls for the next. The third duck steps up and the judge says Hold on.. Let me guess. You name is Quack Quack Quack? The duck looks at the judge and say No, I’m Bubbles R.I.P. Iz 🙂

Your answer is wrong but I like the way you think 😉 A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like the way you think. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!

Never have a your momma joke contest with your momma. well Mama Yo mama is so ugly that every time she looked at the mirror ..the mirror DUCKED!!! (HA HA .) She said it’s the best one you got. I said what you’ve got old lady. She said, well yo mama is so nasty that she sucked your daddy’s dick and came in here and kissed you good night! Lavelle Crawford joke though I’d share.

So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom’s property… …Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom’s backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing. Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE. No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it! How about this, said Tom. We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up the duck . That sounds reasonable. I have a high pain tolerance! Hit me with your best shot! yelled Bob. **BOOM**, Tom kicks Bob as hard as he can in the balls. Bob yells in pain, but he is still standing. Alright, so you kicked me in the balls, now it’s my turn! exclaimed Bob. Nah, man, it’s cool, you can keep the duck.

Three women die and go to heaven… St. Peter greets them at the gate and says We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to not step on any of the ducks. The women thought this was a strange rule, but they went in anyway. When they entered they could see there were many ducks covering the ground and it would be very hard to not step on a duck. They tried not to step on any ducks but eventually the first woman stepped on one. St. Peter came to the woman and told her that her punishment for stepping on a duck was to be chained to a very ugly man for eternity. After seeing the punishment that the first woman had received, the two other women tried very hard to not step on any ducks, but eventually the second woman accidentally stepped on a duck. The same punishment was given to her. The third woman tried very hard to not step on any ducks and went many months without stepping on any. One day, without a word, St. Peter came up to the third woman and handcuffed the most handsome man she had ever seen to her. What did I ever do to deserve this? she said. The man said I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.

Three guys walk into a bar….. The fourth guy ducks

What does a goose do What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, and that your lawyer should ? Stick his bill up his ass.

Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died? His funfair will be held on a sundial. Funfair* Funfair* For ducks sake…

Two guys walked into a bar Two guys walked into a bar… the third ducked.

Why are Chinese ducks so perverted? Because they are all Peking ducks.

my chilli fart…. went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to Shit yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Walmart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonavabitch’ and quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’ That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

2 guys walk into a bar 3rd one ducks.

The doorbell rang and a boy answers the door, he shouts dad, theres a man here with a bill . His dad replies, don’t be silly son, its just a duck with a hat on

Sports: The legal way to buy a black person. and a boy answers the door, he shouts dad, theres a man here with a bill . His dad replies, don’t be silly son, its just a duck with a hat on

A duck walks into a bar A duck walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke. After he finishes it he says, I’m thinking about taking a vacation to the Bahamas. What do you think? The bartender drops a glass and says, You must be on quack.

god vs darwin If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned— Okay, let’s take a beaver and put on a duck’s bill. It’s a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey Darwin! Kiss my ass!

The way you Talking and The way you Thinking nice Answer to Teacher A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Johnny says, None. The teacher asks, Why? Johnny says, Because the shot scared them all off. The teacher says, No, two, but I like how you’re thinking. Johnny asks the teacher, If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married? The teacher says, The one sucking her ice cream. Johnny says, No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!