In Catholicism, souls have mass. A guy walks into a coffee shop. Waitress: What can I get you? Guy: May I get a coffee with no cream? Waitress: Sorry, we just ran out of cream. How about a coffee with no milk?
Best flight ever So i was on this flight once, and the pilot was on the intercom giving us the detail of our flight: the elevation and such. Then he set it down, but he forgot to turn it off, and was heard over the intercom telling the co-pilot What i really need right now is a blowjob and coffee. One of the stewardesses came rushing down the aisle to go tell the pilot that his mic was still on. Then some guy a few seats behind me shouted Don’t forget the coffee hon!
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square. He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease. The chemist said that was good, but he allowed his dog could do better. He told his dog named Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in a ten ounce glass. The dog did this immediately. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, what can your dog do? the union man called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe work conditions, applied for workman’s compensation and left for home on sick leave…..
Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square. He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease. The chemist said that was good, but he allowed his dog could do better. He told his dog named Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in a ten ounce glass. The dog did this immediately. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, what can your dog do? the union man called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe work conditions, applied for workman’s compensation and left for home on sick leave…..
False Information spells out False Information backwards. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-square. He told the dog to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle which the dog did with finesse. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide-rule. He told the dog to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three which the dog did with ease. The chemist said that was good, but he allowed his dog could do better. He told his dog named Measure to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces in a ten ounce glass. The dog did this immediately. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, what can your dog do? the union man called his dog who was named Coffee Break and said show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe work conditions, applied for workman’s compensation and left for home on sick leave…..
Drunk jack. A married man, Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night out drinking with the boys. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son what happened last night? Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, So, why is your mother in such a good mood, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies, Oh THAT! Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married! I’m married!’
Cold stew A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl. Thats fine he replies Ill just have a cup of coffee as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks are you going to eat that? No, no, you can go ahead. the man says. He takes the stew and starts eating, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says Yea, thats how far I made it.
Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off……. Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is….. Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers: Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt….Its burning A ghostly Silence reigned! He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap…you should see my pants. One passenger replies – Why don’t you come here and see Our PANTS !
Did you know that Ang Lee made Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon five years before he made Brokeback Mountain? Yeah, working title for the latter film was Crouching Cowboy, Hidden Sausage.
A man wakes up late for work He gets dressed and rushes out the door and runs into a huge line of traffic. After much patience he finally gets to work. Because of his exhaustion he goes to the break room to get coffee and there was a line going out the room for the coffee machine. After waiting for what seemed like forever he finally got his cup of joe. Once his work day was over he finally got up and went to the elevator to go down to his car and there was a HUGE line there after finally getting to the elevator and eventually his car his girlfriend calls him and asks him to pick some stuff up before they hit the club that night. He goes to the local market and encounters yet another long ass line leading to the checkout. Frustrated he finally gets home and him and his gf leave to go to the party. As if things couldn’t get any worse there was a line snaking around the outside of the club just to get in. Once they are finally in the club and having fun, his gf asks him to get her some punch. And there is no punch line.
Who’s the most popular guy on a nude beach? The one who shows up with a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2%milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce, a two pound can of coffee, and a one pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, You must be single. The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that? The drunk replied, Cause you’re ugly.
a muslim, a jew, a christian and an atheist walk into a coffee shop… and they talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. thats what happens when you’re not an asshole.
Home Remedies for Mouth Odor Mouth odor is a common problem that mostly affects people who are not observing regular oral hygiene. The most obvious reason for an odor of the mouth is that particles of the food we consume remain in the gaps between the teeth. This rot over a period of time results in mouth odour or halitosis. How To Prevent Mouth Odour The easiest way to ensure that you do not have mouth odor is to clean and floss your teeth regularly. Do not forget to clean your tongue. Rinsing your mouth with warm water and salt is another remedy. Chewing on cloves will ensure that your mouth smells fresh. If the smell refuses to go away despite these remedies then you need to see a doctor. Sometimes a bad smell in the mouth is connected to some kind of problem in the stomach. People who are suffering from constipation regularly that smells of their mouth and should consult their doctor at the earliest. Drop in a handful of fenugreek seeds in a pot of cold water and boil. Then strain and drink the liquid with the essence of fenugreek in. Do not eat food products containing white flour and sugar. Healthy meals would prefer your food. Instead, eat healthy meals. These should include fresh fruits and raw vegetables. You can drink a variety of juices, but avoid drinking coffee or carbonated beverages. SOURCE:http://www.naijahomeremedies.com/2015/10/Mouth-odor-remedies.html
Coffee Philosophy The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre? Sartre replied, Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream . Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?
Jim worked in a Kitchen table factory He said they made everything from dinner tables to coffee tables, and I asked him why they didn’t make more fixed-position tables? He said that would be counter-productive.
I can’t believe how much money I’ve spent fueling my drinking problem. Time to start brewing coffee at home.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why did hipster burn himself? He drank the Coffee before it was cool
HOME LATE A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. How’d you get down here so fast? he asked. We were just making love! Oh my God, his wife gasped, That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile. Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, I haven’t spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn’t about to start now!
Belly’s bellbutton There once was a boy named Billy, who at birth, was born with a screw in his bellybutton. Throughout all his early life, Billy had this screw in his bellybutton, and as he was approaching his teens, Billy began to think that in future life, this screw may become awkward. On his 13th birthday, Billy decided to start praying in hope that the screw would somehow be removed. Over the years, every birthday, Billy prayed that this screw would be removed from his bellybutton. On his 16th birthday he prayed yet again to no avail, after this point, Billy began to pray on a daily basis, he knew it would become a much larger issue in the latter end of his teens, and he was uncomfortable confronting girls because of this screw. On his 18th birthday, Billy decided that the screw needed to be removed, so he prayed harder than he had ever prayed before… Please god! Please remove this screw from my bellybutton , he said. Suddenly thick clouds began to cover his house, the ground began to shake violently, then a gap appeared in the clouds and an enormous hand emerged from the sky carrying a screwdriver. The screwdriver came closer and closer to Billy, and then it engaged with the screw in Billy’s bellybutton. Slowly the hand turned the screw, and bit by bit, the screw started to come out from Billy’s bellybutton. Just as the screw popped out, Billy’s bottom fell off. PS: This joke is better when spoken, the emphasis on insignificant parts adds to the joke. EDIT: Title is meant to be Billy’s bellybutton . Damn it.
How did the hipster burn his lips? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What’s black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee
Cold stew A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl. Thats fine he replies Ill just have a cup of coffee as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks are you going to eat that? No, no, you can go ahead. the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says Yea, thats how far I made it.
Low key just wanna defeat Thor and rule Asgard A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl. Thats fine he replies Ill just have a cup of coffee as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks are you going to eat that? No, no, you can go ahead. the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says Yea, thats how far I made it.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise? No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, Dave says. President Bush, his boss quickly retorts. Yup, Dave says, Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington. And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up. Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. The Pope, his boss replies. Sure! says Dave. I’ve known the Pope for years. So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, What happened? His boss looks up and says, It was the final straw you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?
In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know. It’s 1969. China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day. Well, so thinks Richard Nixon. See, he’d been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he was determined that the pope, and only the pope, could broker a deal between two hostile nations. If you’ve not seen *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, it’s a fine film with Anthony Quinn and there’s international problems solved by the pope. Anyways, Nixon rings up the Vatican and convinces the pope that he has to come to New York to visit the UN. Due to the tenuous situation, this visit has to be utterly secret. It’s *brrrrrrrrrrr* gotta be secret your holiness! They’ve got a room for him at the Waldorf, it’ll be a one day visit. Get in, get out, get a t-shirt. The pope, who hadn’t been to America in a good long while, accepts this mission. He throws on his red hat and cape, and he hustles to a cab stand. Where to? asks the cabbie. The pope stammers, just…just get me to Roma International please. They drive in silence, and the cabbie looks in his rearview. Heyyyy…now wait-a minute! (the cabbie has an Italian accent. This isn’t easily explainable) I a-know you! You..you’re a famous man! The pope, terrified of breaking his cover before he’s even left Rome, looks away and mutters, No, no I’m not, must be someone else. Noooo! I a-seen you on the tv! Red hat…red cape…OH! You are Elvis Presley! I assure you, I am not Elvis Presley! says the pope, feelings a little hurt. Yes-a you are! You do the shuffles and the music, oh my wife gonna be so jealous! The pope scuttles out of the cab at the airport and hurries to the ticket counter. He orders a round trip to JFK, and the man at the ticket counter looks up and gasps. Signore! Don’t I know you? Mama mia, I seen you on television last night! No, sir. I assure you I’m nobody of any importance. Yes you are! You got the cape…you got the hat…oh madonna you are ELVIS PRESLEY! He starts to squeal and hit the counter. SIR! PLEASE! Just…just get me a ticket to JFK! On the plane. Pope’s got his bible out, going over some choice passages, and the stewardess bringing coffee nearly drops it in his lap, crying, Elvis! Elvis Presley is on my plane! The pope hisses at her to be quiet and could she please bring some more peanuts. Harried and exhausted, he gets a cab at JFK. Waldorf Astoria, please. The cabbie, and we’re talkin’ the quintessential Brooklyn cabbie here, chews on his cigar and lifts his cap and says, Sweet Jesus on a bus to Greenpoint! You’re famous, ain’t ya? The pope is nearly reduced to tears at this point. The cabbie continues. You got dat red hat! You got the fancy uptown lady cape, only one man has the balls to carry that off, you’re Elvis Presley! At the Waldorf, it all happens again. The clerk says, here’s the key to your room! And in a sotto vocce whisper that echoes across the lobby, *..mister Presley*! The pope goes up to his room. He wishes the president had never watched *The Shoes of the Fisherman*. He turns the key in the lock. Two young chambermaids are making up his room. They spin to face him and erupt in shrieks. Oh my god! It’s….it’s….ELVIS! One flops on the bed and the other starts to slowly unlace her uniform. The pope looks down, buries his head in his hands, comes up and says, . . ♫ Wiiiiiise… mennnn….. sayyyyyyyy…♫
12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn’t jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn’t Helen Keller a good driver? Because she’s dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can’t talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it’s a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I’d like a banana martini please. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he’s actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.
Office Xmas Party Hangover John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. Louise, he moaned, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think? Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face. He’s an asshole, John said. Piss on him. You did, came the reply. And he fired you. Well, screw him! said John. I did. You’re back at work on Monday.
He was worried for his friend. Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn’t show up. Chuck didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn’t know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you? Rodger replied, I have been in jail. Jail? cried Chuck. What in the world for? Well, Rodger said, You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop? Yeah, said Chuck, I remember her. What about her? Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
A few pickup lines to use on the ladies… I like my women like I like my mattresses. Immobile and under a sheet I like my women like I like my contact lenses. Transparent and shallow I like my women like I like my four horsemen. Four of them, willing to ride I like my women like I like Lance Armstrong. Possessing of fewer testicles than I I like my women like I like my men. Human beings with working genitalia I like my women like I like my lionfish. Wet, horny, and resembling a fish I like my women like I like my classical music. Hundreds of years old in pieces on a piano I like my women like I like my avid readers. Thirsting for the climax I like my women like I like my congress. Full of dicks I like my women like I like my coffee. Thick, foreign, and filled with cream I like my women like I like my wine. Seven years old and in my basement I like my women like I like my dinosaur bones. Old, brown, and buried somewhere in Utah I like my women like I like my chocolate. Dark, rich, and associated with acne I like my women like I like my US history. Butchered by white guys I like my women like I like my donuts. Deep fried, with a hole in the middle I like my women like I like my chickens. With large, genetically modified breasts I like my women like I like my gum. 25% plastic I like my women like I like my dogs. Loud, shaved, and potty trained I like my women like I like my old trees. Dead inside I like my women like I like my intestines. Huge, pink, and full of shit I like my women like I like my phone service. Dead in the desert I like my women like I like my doctors, empty boarding schools, and Amazon.com. Without borders I like my women like I like my children. Supposed to come first I like my women like I like my fields. Wide open… also being plowed by a horse I like my women like I like my water bottles. Tall, strong, and full of alcohol I like my women like I like my cocaine. Illegally imported, unable to testify, and spread out on my desk
Lesbian Couple Waits Outside of Chipotle So They Can Begin There Day Jasmine and Crystal spend most there Sunday mornings–not at church–but getting up earlier enough so they have a nice workout session of P90x and, most importantly, to grab some lunch at Chipotle. After a long week of work, Jasmine said with News reporter Ann Rox, I like to enjoy my early mornings with a nutrition, delicious burrito bowl –after cheerfully adding– and the tortilla on the side! Crystal, Jasmine longtime life partner, used to dislike eating at Chipotle but ever since the fully divested from McDonalds in 2006, she has been eating Chipotle practically everyday. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Chipotle, Crystal said, it was because Chipotle was financially dependent with McDonald. And we all know the McDonald’s stories: pink slime, processed apples, fries (which admittedly, I like actually) that doesn’t mold–and I’m like: No thank you. While McDonalds has been caught with a number of lawsuits, such as hot coffee causes third degree burn, there is the entity side of McDonalds–they’re adverse effect on society–that drives customers away. In one particular instance potential customers are fooled into thinking McDonald’s is the right choice in their dining needs. In a recent ad campaign, however, funded by Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine many physicians were beginning to remember how unhealthy McDonalds is. We wanted to reminded everyone, certified pediatrician Dr. Ouchi said, that McDonald is bad. That’s why we physicians started the campaign Tonight, Make it Vegetarian hoping it makes people eat more salads–and less meat. Just other day, Crystal said, I saw ad on YouTube. Usually I would just skip it. Make it Vegetarian’ the ad read. At first I was like, okaaay, then I was like: Isn’t there a way I can enjoy a vegetarian diet and a carnivore one? At press time there has much research done on the effects of the digestion system. One study showed people actually enjoy diverticulitis; the causing increase of gas and decongestion. In the book, Abnormalities and other gases written by Dr. Stinker, however, he suggest: there are a numbers of things that may cause discomfort in the bowels. At the most core diet possible, Dr. Stinker suggest, clients should take into consideration of nutrition value diets. Any diet which is high in calories, protein, carbohydrates, calcium, iron, zinc, sodium, potassium, and other important nutritions that are hard to pronounce. According to his study, he also suggests clients to be a little more responsible in their choice of take out food. A little more vegetables–and a lot less fatty food, he claimed. My personal advice is Chipotle. It wasn’t until I saw a Chipotle ad I was convinced, Crystal continues, it was the healthy choice. Since then Jasmine and Crystal have both lost a combined weight of 75 pounds. They’re success, that they claim is eating more Chipotle–because its good for you! In addition to their diet plan, they continue doing intense workout session with Tony Horton. ‘Never quit!’ said Crystal quoting Tony Horton himself.
…Track 29, boy can you give me a shine… Some guy named ‘Roy’ was in a changing room and had just taken off a pair of newly purchased loafers to try on a pair of pants in a store. Suddenly, a seeing-eye-dog burst into the changing room Roy was undressing in, gobbled down Roy’s loafers and ran out. Since Roy was pantless and astonished, he couldn’t go chasing after the dog. He didn’t really feel like shopping anymore, so he put his jeans back on and walked out in his sock feet. He informed mall security and they escorted him to the control booth so he would look at the surveillance cameras to try to spot the guilty canine. The mall security looked and looked at footage while Roy had some coffee someone had offered him out of pity. Well, finally, the security guard thought he saw the culprit on screen in another part of the mall. He motioned to the hapless victim and lamely said, Pardon me, Roy, is that the dog that ate your new shoes?
Three daughters The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their se*ual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it’s going. The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: Nescafe . Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee Nescafe and read on the label: Blessing until the last drop . Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter’s happiness. The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read Benson n Hedges cigars. She immediately went to the man’s room, where she found his Benson Hedges and read Extra Long cigars. King Size . She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter. The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for the week nothing. Week later – nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written British Airways . Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool.
What is a pedophiles favorite Italian meal? Chicken Statutory….I’m going, I’m going…sorry but this is how my brain works before I’ve had coffee.
I was in a restaurant the other day… I was in a restaurant the other day when suddenly I realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really loud so i timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs i started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me…. Then suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my ipod.
I was on this plane once I was on this plane once. And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee! From Good Will Hunting
Gave my wife a coffee enema Gave my wife a coffee enema. She grimaced. I asked, too hot ? No , she replied, too sweet .
Who’s the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts
Why did the hipster burn its tongue? Beacuse he drank the coffee before it was Cool
Why are hipsters’ lips always burnt? Because they drink their coffee before it was cool.
Little Johnny had a coffee can The mailman saw Little Johnny sitting on the sidewalk with an old coffee can. He asked, What do you have in that can there? Little Johnny replied, Dog shit. The mailman asked, What are you going to do with a can full of dog shit? Little Johnny answered, I’m gonna make me a mailman! The mailman got pissed off and told a cop that there was a little kid causing trouble. The cop walked over to Little Johnny and asked, What ya got in that can? Little Johnny replied, Dog shit. The cop asked, Oh yeah? What’re you gonna do with that? Little Johnny said, I’m gonna make me a mailman. The cop taunted, Oh, you don’t have the balls to tell me you’re gonna make a cop? Little Johnny replied, Nah, I’d need way more dog shit for that.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
An snobby woman stops at a local diner while traveling… and orders a coffee. Trying to start a conversation, the waitress asks, So, where are you from? Where I am from, we do not end sentences with prepositions. the woman replies. The waitress apologizes and tries again, So, where are you from, Bitch? EDIT: Spelling
A pilot is talking on the intercom as his flight takes off… After finishing his review of the departing flight, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom. He turns to his co-pilot and let’s out a sigh, man, I could really use a coffee and a blowjob right now . A stewardess in the rear of the plane hears the comment, and begins rushing down the isle to warn the pilot the intercom is still on. While passing by, one of the passengers shouts out, Don’t forget the coffee!
A joke one of my friends told me. Hey_____ do you know how I like my men ? umm no . Like I like my coffee hot,black and will keep me up all night .
Pilots are workers too I was taking a plane inside of the US, after the Pilot finshed talking in the microphone regarding security he forgot to turn it off. He had no idea the microphone was on and said to his COpilot I could really use a blowjob and some coffee right now . A stewardess rushed through the plane to tell him that he forgot to turn of the microphone. While she’s running one of the passengers yells Don’t forget the coffee! From the move Good will hunting
Starbucks drive through This just happened during a family road trip when we stopped at a Starbucks drive through. While waiting for our drinks with the window open my mother said ooh it’s really cold in hear with the window open. My dad replied well I can’t think of any other way of getting the coffee in here. I thought it was very funny so decided to share.
