Timmy and Billy compare Christmas presents… Two 9 year old boys, Timmy and Billy, met after Christmas. Billy asked, How was your Christmas, Timmy? Did you get any nice presents? Timmy’s eyes opened wide. It was amazing! he said. I got an Xbox One with all of the games, PLUS a Playstation, a brand new remote control car, a helicopter, an iPad, an iPhone 6, a drone camera, and all the Transformers toys, and a whole bunch of candy and chocolates, a big cake, and a new bike! I got everything I asked for and more. Oh my God! Billy said. That’s so cool. You’re so lucky. I didn’t get much. I got a new sweater and some puzzles. That’s too bad, Timmy said. How come that’s all you got? Billy looked at his feet. Because *I* don’t have cancer.
What did the dyslexic person worship? Santa.
I’m in the bar A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the mobile. The wife said Where are you, you know we have lots to do. He said, You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you. Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. Yes, I do remember that shop, she replied.. Well I am in the bar next to that.
Roses are reddish… Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish
What’s the difference between Christmas presents and ass whuppins? You ain’t gettin’ no Christmas presents!
And that’s how the fight started One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year! And that’s how the fight started….. ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said,’Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, Then I’d like to phone a friend. And that’s when the fight started… ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please. He said, Aren’t you worried about the mad cow? Nah, she can order for herself. And that’s when the fight started….. _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, Do you know him? Yes , she sighed, He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since. My God! I said, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And then the fight started… ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway. The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What’s on TV? I said, Dust. And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…… ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’ And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, Your eyesight’s damn near perfect. And then the fight started…….. ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ That’s how the fight started.
My favorite Christmas joke…. A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other at a bar on Christmas Eve. The rich man says I got my wife a diamond ring and a Lexus for Christmas. That way, if she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive her new car to the jewelry store and exchange it. That’s nice. the poor man responds I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself.
What did the psychologist say to the necrophiliac? A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other at a bar on Christmas Eve. The rich man says I got my wife a diamond ring and a Lexus for Christmas. That way, if she doesn’t like the ring, she can drive her new car to the jewelry store and exchange it. That’s nice. the poor man responds I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself.
Christmas Stuff [all] So what’s up with all of the Christmas ads and it’s not even Guy Fawke’s day? Like who thinks of this stuff?
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father: – Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers: – Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions. – Onions? – said the boy – Yes, see them and they make you cry, – the father replied. This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said: – Mum, how many kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and looks at her daughter and answers: – Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree. – A Christmas tree? said the daughter. – Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?’ Answer: They’re Carol’s.’
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
A cop amd a little girl A Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, Did Santa get you that? Yes, replies the little girl. Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that? The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did! Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it! **Edit** and not amd
A boy and his tractors There was once a boy whose parents they used to spoil. Of the spoiling, toys were a big factor. The boy loved all his toys. But most of all, he loved his toy tractor. The boy grew up, with his toy tractors and always wanted more. A toy tractor for christmas, a toy tractor for new years, a toy tractor every time he opened the door. You could call the boy a tractor fan. Not a fan that’s a tractor but a fan of tractors, a fan that would love tractors for his entire life span. But as he grew up he had to let go of his tractor fandom. Because he needed a job to work on his own, get a girlfriend and look handsome. So he let go of his fandom and was no longer a fan of his tractors. And soon, in his life, tractors were no longer big factors. So one night he went out with his colleagues to the bar they always went to. Only this night was different, on the bar, sat somebody new. A woman so beautiful, so elegant, he had to fall in love with her. This was the girlfriend he was looking for, the girl he dreamed about for sure! He saunters over toward the girl in the smokey room and asks How’s it going? . The girl looks flustered and says It’s a little smokey in here… , red faced, she was literally glowing. So he said unto her, Don’t worry maam, I’ll sort out this stuff , and sucked all the smoke in the room up with one big huff. He walked outside, blew the smoke out; and walked back in and stood next to her, with a proud little pout. Amazed, she asked How did you do that? , pointing to his mouth with her hand. And he said Well my dear, it’s not too hard, being an ex-tractor fan.
This Christmas… This Christmas, Donald Trump’s hair becomes sentient and nukes canada. Only one Democratic Socialist can prevent a total World War. Bernie Sanders stars… in HELL TOUPÉE
Santa’s sack Why is Santa’s sack so big? ….. Because he only comes once a year.
There are only 10 bad people in the world.. And i get Christmas cards from 9 of them.
Now Clap Your Hands (Originally by Gilbert Gottfried, paraphrased by RustyRawDawg) As a preface, you’ll have to imagine this entire joke in the voice of Iago from Aladdin. Buckle Up… So this guy decides that he’s going to Vegas. No special occasion, he just wants to go and gamble and drink and enjoy the many luxuries of Sin City. So he gets there and almost immediately gets loaded and orders himself a prostitute to his hotel room. They ask him if he has a preference of girl. He says No preference but she had better be your top prostitute! They send a girl right over and she wants to make sure that she’s the best prostitute experience he’s ever had. She knocks on the door and as soon as she gets inside she rips her clothes off, lays down on the bed and says Stick your fingers in my pussy you stud. So he does, already pleased with the quality of this particular prostitute. She moans OHHH YEAH! Why don’t you put a couple more fingers in there big boy? So he does without hesitating *Kersploosh* He’s knuckle deep on his right hand and she’s loving every minute of it. This guy’s in heaven. She quivers with excitement and says Get your whole fucking fist in there So he does! He’s got his whole hand in this woman, he’s wiggling his fingers around, he’s performing complex gang signs, there’s room to spare is what i’m saying. She squeals and screams and says to him, Get your other hand inside of me. So he does, he just slides it right in there with a wide eyed grin you only see from a kid at Christmas. She says Yeah that’s it big boy, see if you can get them in up to your elbow! So he does. *SPEEELUNK* He’s all the way up in there now and she whispers to him Now clap for me. He moves his hands around and tries to find enough room to clap before he says a defeated I can’t…I can’t clap. She smirks and says Pretty tight huh?
Who did the dyslexic devils worshipper sell his soul to? santa
Did you hear the one about the procrastinator? santa
Why Is there a little angel on top of the Christmas tree? Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard. Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut spruce tree. — where do you want me to put the tree, Santa? the little Angel asked. Santa exploded: **you know where you can stick that goddamned fucking tree!** And this is why there is a little angel at the top of the Christmas tree…
A will is a dead giveaway. Many years ago, on Christmas Eve, everything went wrong at the North Pole. Mrs Claus was on the rag, the reindeer had the runs, the elves were on strike and Rudolph hit the bottle pretty hard. Santa was pretty pissed-off and about to explode when the little angel walked in with a freshly cut spruce tree. — where do you want me to put the tree, Santa? the little Angel asked. Santa exploded: **you know where you can stick that goddamned fucking tree!** And this is why there is a little angel at the top of the Christmas tree…
Three guys die and go to the pearly gates…. So St. Peter says in light of it being Christmas I’ll send you back to earth if you can present something to me that symbolizes Christmas. So the first guy pulls out his keys jingles them around: these are Jingle bells The second guy pulls a white cotton out from his pocket: this is Santa’s beard Third guy checked every pocket he has and he produces a pair of women’s underwear. So after thinking for a second he puts the underwear under Saint Peters nose and says these are Carol’s
Dang squirrels There once was a town that was infested with squirrels. They were everywhere and got into everything. The people of the town hated it especially the miller, the blacksmith, and the priest. One day the miller decides that enough is enough and lays out some poisoned four to kill the stupid things off. Well his apprentice mixed up the flours and he ended up having to throw out his whole stock of flour and the squirrels remained Seeing how badly his friend had blundered with his antics, the blacksmith thinks he has a better idea. I’ll roast’m out he says to himself and proceeds to make his forge extremely hot…. and ends up burning his shop to the ground. the squirrels remained. The priest being fed up with the squirrels running around and ruining mass gathers up all the squirrels in one place and baptizes every one of them. Now they only come to the church on Christmas and Easter.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A few clues to being a true Louisianan 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. Vacation means going to the family reunion. 3. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. 4. You measure distance in minutes. 5. You know several people who have hit a deer. 6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. 7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 8. You’ve ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day. 9. You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better. 10. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks. 11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals. 12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year. 13. You use fix as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. 15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. 17. You carry jumper cables in your car. 18. You know what cow tipping and snipe hunting are. 19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 21. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. 22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. 23. You think that deer season is a national holiday. 24. You find 90 degrees F a little warm. 25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas. 26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth. 27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more. 28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
What did the Jewish lady with Alzheimer’s ask her husband? Why doesn’t our daughter ever come home for Christmas?
What is Father Christmas’s tax status? What is Father Christmas’s tax status? Elf-employed.
After Christmas My mama was so cheap, she waited ’til after Christmas. ‘Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.’ She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.
What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question? My mama was so cheap, she waited ’til after Christmas. ‘Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.’ She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.
Stitched up by my son. I got in from work yesterday and was greeted by HPB Jr. Hi Dad, for Christmas I’m going to get you something that goes from 0 to 200 in one second. He’s been playing Forza 6 lately so I went along with it. 0 to 200 ! Wow ! Where are you going to get the money to buy me a car like that ? , I replied. Car ? , he said. It’s not a car, it’s a set of bathroom scales. Little bugger…
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three hos.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen… A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks. The mother went nuts and told her son, We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added, For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
Mrs. Claus (very abbreviated version) Santa stopped home for a potty break during his X-mas eve present deliveries to find his wife upstairs in bed with Franz Liszt having unprotected sex. Seated in two arm chairs waiting their turn were Antonin Dvorak and Gustav Mahler: WTF is going on here ?!?! I’m making a Liszt, and Czeching it twice !!!
Girls say im so smooth… … that Carlos Santana would spread me on his toast.
If pro is the opposite of con, then progress is the opposite of Congress. … that Carlos Santana would spread me on his toast.
Yo momma so fat… I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
Christmas gift for my mother-in-law. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!
Christmas Chimney Congestion Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any children?A: He only comes once a year — and when he does, it’s down a chimney.
A punchline my Japanese girlfriend came up with: What’s black, white, and red all over? A Black Santa Claus!!!
The place I store my loud elf Shhh elf
TIL It’s not possible to yawn while wearing earphones Shhh elf
Someone remind Green Day to get up. Shhh elf
Yo mama so fat … … last christmas I took a picture of her. It’s still printing.
Santa Clause for Halloween. Axe Murderer for Christmas.
Four teenage girls go to the mall to visit Santa during the holiday season. Santa says the same three words to each girl, which causes one of the girls to get upset and leave crying. Why did only one leave crying and what did Santa say to her? To the 3 girls: Ho ho ho, merry Christmas! To the 1 girl: Ho ho ho, ho (whore) merry Christmas!
Christmas tree A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
Socialism and racism explained. A black kid asks his mother, Mama, what’s Socialism and what is Racism? Well son, Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our benefits, you knows like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, Section 8 housing, food stamps, EMC, free healthcare, utility subsidy, free computers and Internet connection, free food, free clothing, free school breakfasts and lunches, free gifts at Christmas, & on & on, you knows? That’s Socialism. But mama, don’t the white people get mad about that? Sure they do son, that’s called Racism!
Little Johnny joke Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, Teacher, I need to go take a shit! She told him to sit down. You can’t go to the bathroom until you have used definitely in a sentence. He thought about it, then said, The sky is definitely blue. The teacher said, No, the sky is not really blue. Molecules scattered in the air make it look blue. So he thought some more, then said, I am definitely getting a puppy for Christmas. Teacher said, You may get a kitten or gerbil for Christmas, so you can’t say you’re definitely getting a puppy. After a little more thought, he asked, Do farts have lumps? She said no, they didn’t, so he replied, Then I definitely shit my pants.
