A dad gifts his son a duck for his 18th birthday.
The son went to a bar with the duck where he met a beautiful girl. He asked her if she would have sex with him in exchange for the duck, and she said yes.
She enjoyed it so much, she told him she would give the duck back for even more sex.
After the exchange, as he was walking back home, he got hit by a truck and the duck died. Feeling guilty, the driver gave him a dollar for the dead duck.
He came back home, and his dad asked him how his day was.
He replied “I got a f*ck for a duck, and a duck for a f*ck, and then a buck for a f*cked up duck”
So a duck walks into a bar at 11am aand sits down. The barkeep comes over and says “what will it be?“.
The duck replies “I will have a double whiskey on the rocks“
The bar keep is suprised and asks “what’s your name and what have you been up to all day?“
The duck replies “My name is huey, and I have been in and out of puddles all day, you know, the usual stuff”
Later a second duck walks into the pub and sits down. The barkeep asks “what will it be?“.
The second duck replies “Three shots of Yager.“
Taken aback for the second time the bar keep asks the duck, “what’s your name and what have you been up to all day?“
The duck replied, “My name is Louis, and I have been in and out of puddles all day.“
Later a third duck waddles into the pub and the bartender watches as the duck struggles to settle down at the bar. The barkeep immediatly asks
“what’s your name and what have you been up to all day?“
The duck snaps “MY NAME IS PUDDLES AND DONT ASK HOW MY FECKIN DAY WENT!”
Why do ducks have flat feet?
So they can stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can stamp out flaming ducks.
A duck walks into a store.
“Got any duck food?“
“Sorry, no,” says the proprietor.
So, the duck leaves.
He comes back the next day. “Got any duck food?“
Proprietor, now slightly annoyed says “I told you yesterday: “no.
So, the duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day.”Got any duck food?“
“No! And if you ask me one more time I’m gonna nail your feet to the counter!“
Duck considers the threat. “Got any nails?“
“No.” says teh annoyed proprietor
“In that case, got any duck food?“
How do you make a Peking Duck?
Throw a brick at him.
An old farmer was sitting on his porch one morning having a cup of coffee. He notices a young boy skipping down the road. The boy is holding a big roll of tape.
The farmer asks the boy, what you gonna do with that roll of tape boy?
The boy responds this here isn’t any ordinary tape; this here is duck tape. I’m fixing to go catch me some ducks.
The farmer laughs and says you can’t catch ducks with tape…that’s not what its for!
The boy just grins and skips on by.
Later that evening the farmer is sitting on his porch smoking his evening pipe and sees the boy skipping back down the road. As the boy comes by the house the farmer sees that he is carrying several ducks all wadded up in a bunch of tape. The boy just looks over at the farmer and laughs.
A few days later, the farmer is sitting on his porch having his coffee and reading the newspaper. He looks up and sees the boy from the other day skipping down the road again. This time he is carrying a roll of wire. The farmer hollers over to the boy hey, son! whatcha doing with that roll of wire?
The boy hollers back, this here ain’t just ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I’m fixing to go catch some chickens! The farmer laughs and says to the boy, you can’t catch chickens with wire! The boy just grins and skips on down the road. That evening as the farmer is on the porch smoking his evening pipe he sees the boy skipping back down the road. As the boy passes the house the farmer sees that he has a bunch chickens all tied up in wire. The boy just looks over at the farmer and laughs.
A few days later as the farmer is drinking his morning coffee he sees the same boy skipping down the road again. This time the boy is carrying a long branch in his hands. The farmer hollers over to the boy, hey boy! Whatcha doing with that branch? The boys hollers back, This just ain’t any ordinary branch, this here branch comes from a pussy willow tree.
The farmer hollers back….. Wait!… Let me get my hat!
What do you call a duck that is a drug addict?
A quackHead
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son’s birthday.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades.
She says, “Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?“
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.“
She doesn’t believe him but she drops it on the counter anyways.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.“
She says, “It’s amazing you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she open her purse her credit card falls on the floor.
“Oh that sounds like a Master Card” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way for the blind clerk to know she was the one who farted. Being blind he wouldn’t know she was the only one around.
The man ring up the fishing rod and says “hat’ll be $34.50 please“.
The woman is totally confused by this and asks “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?“
He replies, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50.“
AN old lady was devastated when her pet duck became very sick. Even though she was poor, she took him to a cheap veterinary clinic.
The vet told her there was nothing he could do, but she begged him to try anything.
Reluctantly, the vet left the room and came back room with a Labrador retriever by his side. The dog placed one paw on the duck, but nothing happened.
The vet then brought in a cat, and the cat placed one paw on the duck. But again, nothing happened.
The vet told the old lady that was all he could do, but she was still broken-hearted.
When she received the bill on her way out, it was three times higher than she expected. When she asked the secretary why, she was told that it said she had requested additional LAB work and a CAT scan.
Two hunters were walking through the fog, when the second guy heard the first guy shoot. “What did you get?” he yelled.
“It looks like a duck by the feathers,” the first guy replied.
The second guy shot and the first guy yelled, “What did you get, mate?”
“By the fur, it feels like a rabbit!” the second guy shouted back.
The first guy shot again and the second guy yelled, “What did you get?”
“According to his driver’s license, it’s Paul from the next village,” the first guy replied.
What’s flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.
A duck walks into a bar… and asks for a beer and pretzels. The bartender says, “I’ve never seen a talking duck“.
The duck replies, “Well, I work as a plasterer in the new construction down the street.“
The duck becomes a regular at the bar, coming in every day to order beer and pretzels. So one day a circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the bar and the bartender says, “You know what… there’s a talking duck that works in the construction zone down the street. He comes in at lunch every day and orders beer and pretzels.”
The ringmaster says, “Send him over! We can use a talking duck in the circus!”
Later that day the duck comes in and orders his beer and pretzels. The bartender serves him his beer and pretzels, and says, “You know, there’s a circus in town, and they want to talk to you about a job.”
“A circus? You mean, that place with the big tents?” quacks the duck.
The bartender says, “Yup!”
“And all the the animals and such?“
“Yup!” , says the bartender.
The duck answers, “Why the heck do they want a plasterer?“
For more funny duck jokes, check out the other articles in this series
