The blind Walmart clerk My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share. A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00. She says, It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card, he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, That’ll be $34.50 please. The woman is totally confused by this and asks, Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50? He replies, Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
Man walks into a bar with a small wooden box and a genie lamp He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender asks what’s in the box? The man asks if there is a piano in the bar. The bartender says yes, so the man opened the box. A small man, about 12 in height, leaps from the box and goes straight to the piano and starts playing some beautiful classics. The bartender is amazed and asks the man where he got the little man. The man replies I rubbed this damn genie lamp and the genie gave him to me. The bartender asks if he can give the lamp a rub. The man complies and hands him the lamp. The bartender rubs it and out comes this genie. The genie says I’ll grant you one wish and one wish only so the bartender thinks for a moment then says I wish for a million bucks! The genie says it is done and pops back into the lamp. Within a few seconds, a million ducks start flying throughout the entire bar. The bartender says to the man with the lamp hey! I said a million bucks, not ducks! The man turns to him and says what? Do you think I asked for a 12 pianist?
An old farmer has a dimwit son and a smart son… He has to figure out which one will take over the family farm. He summons the boys and sits them down around the dinner table. He says, Boys, I don’t have much longer left and I need to decide which of you will get the farm when I pass. In order to make this decision, I will give each of you a high quality duck. Whoever gets the most for their duck will inherit our farm. Well, the smart son does what anyone would do. He heads straight to market and sells the duck for $17.50 (USD). This is top dollar for a perfect duck. He heads home confident he will win. Meanwhile, the dimwit son is walking down the road kicking rocks with the duck in his arm. As he passes a brothel a lady of the night is on the porch. Boy, that sure is a fine duck you have their, she says. How about we make a trade? Your duck for a fuck. The boy, without thinking agrees and they head upstairs. About an hour later he walks out buttoning his pants. She walks out breathing heavily. She says to him, If you can fuck me like that again, I will give your duck back. Again, the boy agrees and another hour passes. He emerges from the house with the duck in his arms. The boy continues walking down the road when he realises that it’s almost dinner time and he still hasn’t sold the duck. Just as he starts panicking, a semi drives past and sucks the duck out of his arms, obliterating the poor bird. The boy starts crying and the driver slams on the brakes. He is freaking out and hops out of the truck. I am so sorry about your duck, he says as he pulls out his wallet. This is all I have on me. Again, I am terribly sorry. That night around the dinner table, the father asks the boys what they got for their ducks. The smart boy, ever the confident one says, I got $17.50 for my duck. The father responds, That’s a fair price son. I’m proud of you. The dimwit son starts chuckling. How much did you get?? The DW son replies, Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $82.50 for a fucked up duck. Tl:dr- Boys competed for the farm by selling one duck each. The smart son got $17.50 for his. The DW got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, an $82.50 for a fucked up duck.
What do you call a thieving duck? A robber duck….
Duct tape and Chicken wire. An old man is sitting on his front porch one morning, enjoying the weather and having a cup of coffee. Suddenly he sees a young boy walking down the road carrying several rolls of duct tape. This obviously makes him curious so he calls out, hey son, what are you doing with all that duct tape? The little boy replies, I’m going to catch some ducks sir! The old man chuckles and calls out, son don’t be silly. You can’t catch ducks with duct tape! The little boy just smiles and yells well I’m gonna try. Several hours pass and the old man is out in his yard when the little boy walks past him dragging a whole bunch of ducks. The old man just scratches his head and go’s about his business. The next morning the old man is having his morning coffee on the porch as usual and the little boy comes walking down the road. As he gets closer the old man notices he is carrying a bunch of chicken wire. He wonders what the lad is up to so he calls out excuse me young man! What’s all that chicken wire for? The little boy calls out I’m going to catch me some chickens! The old man scoffs and says son that’s not what chicken wire is for! You’re not gonna get any chickens with that! The young boy happily crys out well I’m gonna try! Later that day the old man notices the boy walking down the road dragging several chickens. He shakes his head and says, well I’ll be damned . A few days later the old man is on his porch, having his morning coffee when the same little boy comes running down the road carrying a bundle of sticks. The old man wonders what this is all about so he calls out hey son! What do you got there? The little boy yells back, pussy willows sir! The old man stands up and says wait up, let me grab my hat .
[Joke Request] Setup for an English-Turkish punchline I’m on the verge of a joke here, a lame one, but I can’t seem to get it out and it’s driving me crazy. Here goes: >What did the duck order in the Turkish bar? > Beer, bar duck, Sue please Again lame I know, but it’s bothering me. Any good joke writers out there willing to help?
Boudreaux’s dead duck Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux’s office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving. Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said. Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said. Doc, you gotta do something – run some test – do something , Boudreaux demanded. Okay , Doc Robicheaux said. The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out. The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat’ll be 125 dollars . Dat’s a lot just to tell me dat my duck’s dead , Boudreaux protested. Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead – that woulda been 10 dollars. You’re da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
What do ducks do at Christmas time? They Duckerate cookies. …lol…
A duck walks into a bar He goes up to the bartender and asks, Got any grapes? The bartender replies, No, sorry, this is a bar. We don’t have any grapes. The duck turns and leaves. The next day the duck returns to the bar and again asks the bartender, Got any grapes? The bartender, slightly flustered at this point, says, No. This is a bar. We do not have grapes, we have never had grapes, and we will almost definitely never have grapes. The duck turns and leaves. The following day, the duck once again returns to the bar and once more asks the bartender, Got any grapes? The bartender shouts, No! We do not have any grapes! And the next time you ask I swear I will nail your beak to this bar! The duck quickly waddles away in fright. A day later, the duck cautiously approaches the bar. As the bartender glares, the duck asks, Got any nails? With a surprised and confused expression, the bartender replies, No… With a pleased expression, the duck responds, Good. Got any grapes?
Two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks
Two guys walk into a bar… Don’t you think the second guy would have ducked?
If every joke happened in the same universe… A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, why the long face? The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse’s handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it’s knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it’s closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says Can you put me up for the night? The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask Is this some kind of a joke?
another bar joke a duck walks into a bar wearing a shoe. the bartender says, so you lost a shoe? and the duck says, no, i found one
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm Nice pig says the bartender. It’s a duck she says. I was talking to the duck says the bartender.
Three men approached the gates of heaven… Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: Do not step on a duck. I’m sorry. Can you repeat that? questioned one of the men. Over the years, many misconceptions of heaven have arose. Yes, it’s a pretty nice place. No, its not perfect, but its close. You see the only problem are the ducks. If you step on a duck it will begin to quack and then all the other ducks will begin to quack and its simply a nuisance for us all. Saint Peter replied. The three men looked at each other, shrugged, and entered heaven. As far as the eye could see there were ducks everywhere. Almost immediately one of the men accidentally stepped on a duck. Just as Peter had said, the duck began to quack and then the ducks around him began an audible tidal wave of quacks. Soon after the quacks had passed, Saint Peter approached the men in hand with a hag of a woman. Without a word, he shackled the hag to the man that stepped on the duck and left. The other two men were careful not to step on a duck. Although they tried there best, one of them eventually stepped on a duck. The same phenomenon of before arose and Saint Peter arrived again with a huge amazonian woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left. The final man treaded with care and spent many days and nights successfully stepping around the ducks. After a while, Saint Peter approached the man with a beautiful woman. He shackled the woman to the man and left without a word. The man was so delighted he audibly said to himself, What did I do to deserve this? The woman replied, I don’t know, but I stepped on a duck.
Duck walks into a bar Duck walks into a bar, says got any grapes? Bartender: no . Duck leaves and comes right back: got any grapes? Bartender: This is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here . Duck leaves and comes right back: got any grapes? Bartender: No, and if you ask me that again, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor . Duck leaves and comes right back: got any nails? …
How do birds record their songs ? On duck tape !
The Duck Virgin So back in the great depression there was a farmer and his son. The farmer was walking around the property and ended up behind the barn. To his horror he caught his son with his dick out jerking it like a madman. The farmer covered his face and walked away. His son came over a while later and the farmer said Son, you really need to get laid. You’re like 16. Here take our prize winning duck into town to see if you can trade a pretty lady for some sexing. The son agreed and took the duck into town. First, he asked some lady alongside the road if she would sex him up in exchange for his bird. She punched him in the mouth. This happened several times with bodily injury always being the result. Finally, the son staggered into a laudromat a few miles from home and saw a pretty lady doing some laundry. He asked, Excuse me miss, would be willing to have sex with me in exchange for this duck? The duck quacked. The woman was at first angry and about to punch him but realized that times were tough and that was one bitching looking bird. So she agreed and took him into the back room of the laundromat. The two of them proceeded to have sex and the now dazed son gave her the duck, per the prior agreement. When handed the duck, she hesitated and said Hey, how about I trade you this duck back and we go have sex again? The son gasps and flails and takes his bird back and sprints with the woman to bump uglies for a second time. The woman is happy and sends the son home with her address and phone number. The dazed and foggy son takes his prized waterfowl directly out of the laundromat and is promptly run over by a truck. Luckily, he is ok but the duck is smashed and killed. The driver hops out and says Gee, I sure am sorry. That seemed like a nice duck. Here is 50 cents to help you buy a new one . The boy happily accepts the money since it is a huge amount for that period and walks merrily home. Upon arriving the farmer sees his happy son in the setting dusk and asks him Well son, how was your day? The son smiles enormously and says Well dad, I gave a duck for a fuck. Got a fuck for a duck, and got half a buck for a fucked up duck. Edit: Took off the tl;dr, not needed
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon…. …..As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Your dick. …..As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Ducks Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, ‘We only have one rule – don’t step on the ducks!’ They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’ The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she’s been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, ‘Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?’ The man says, ‘I don’t know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.’
So a duck waddles into a bar … And gets up onto a barstool and asks the bartender, Got any grapes? The bartender replied, No, this is a bar. I don’t have any grapes. Sorry, pal. The duck hops off the barstool and leaves. The next day, the duck gets back onto the same barstool and calls over the bartender and asks, Got any grapes? The bartender replied, I told you yesterday, we don’t have any grapes. Get lost! The duck hops off the barstool and leaves. The next day the duck waddles into the bar and hops onto the same barstool again and asks the bartender, Got any grapes? The bartender, now very annoyed, yells, I didn’t have any grapes yesterday and I sure as hell don’t have any grapes today! Now, if you come in here and ask for grapes again I’m gonna nail your feet to the bar! Get lost! The duck quickly waddles out. The next day, the duck waddles in and hops up on the barstool and asks the bartender, Got any nails? The bartender exclaims, No, I don’t got any nails! To which the duck replies, Got any grapes?
A little boy is walking holding chicken wire… He walks passed an old man on a porch. Whatcha got chicken wire for? Gonna go catch some chickens! Says the little boy. You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire you damn fool! The boy just walks off laughing. Around sunset the boy is walking back up and sure enough, he’s dragging ten chickens behind him. The next morning the boy walks down the same path and sees the old man. Whatcha got duck tape for? The boy responds, I’m gonna go catch some ducks! You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duck tape! The boy just laughs and carries on. Come sundown, the boy heads back passed the old man with 20 ducks strung along the duck tape behind him. The next morning the boy is walking down the field again, and the old man can’t see what he has. Whatcha got there? Pussy willow. Hang on, I’ll grab my hat
3 ducks A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license? The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license? Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly Just where the hell are you from? The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said You tell me, you’re the expert!!
How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t. You get down off a duck.
Kid with Chicken Wire This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says Where you goin’ with that there chicken wire, boy. The kid says I’m going to get some chickens. The old man says You can’t catch no chickens with no chicken wire. Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says I’ll be damned. The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says Say boy, where you goin’ with that roll of duct tape? The boy says I’m going to get some ducks. The man says You can’t catch no ducks with no duct tape. Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape. The old man is astonished. The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows. The old man sees him and says You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat.
A guys is at a party….. and steps behind two other guys. He notices that they are a Priest and a Rabbi and both are holding ducks. He says What is this? a joke? The Priest looks back and says, No, this is the punchline.
12 inches Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. I sure do, he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. Wow! said his friend, Where did you get that monster? I got it from my genie. You have a genie? he asked. Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag. Could I see him? He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish? Yes I will, the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, I asked for a million bucks not ducks! The friend answers, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?
A man walks into a bar and sits at the counter. As he orders his drink he notices a 12 inch tall man playing a small piano on top of the counter. The man asks the bartender about it… …and the bartender tells him that in the alley next to the bar is a genie who will grant anyone one wish. Excited, the man rushes to the alley and sees a towering genie before him. The genie asks the man what his wish is, and the man says I wish for a million bucks! The genie snaps his fingers, and then out of thin air a million ducks crowd the alley. Furious over this, the man returns to the bar. Man, that genie sucks! the man said, I asked for a million bucks, and instead I got a million ducks. The bartender looks at the man and says Well, do you really think I wanted a 12 inch Pianist?
A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller: Is he any good for mating? Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs! Then why asks the puzzled farmer are you even selling him? You see answers the seller lately he’s been looking at me kinda funny.
Quack Quack Quack Three ducks are in court. The first duck goes up to the judge. The judge asks, What’s your name ? The first duck replies, Quack The judge asks, What did you do, Quack ? Quack says, I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond . The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail. The second duck comes up to the judge and the judge asks him his name. The second duck says, Quack Quack . The judge asked, What did you do, Quack Quack ? Quack Quack replied, I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond too . The judge sentenced Quack Quack to 3 months. The third duck goes up to the judge and judge says, Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack The third duck replies, No, my name is Bubbles .
A duck walks into a Pharmacy And he goes up to the pharmacist and says Hello! I want some grapes. Do you have grapes? The pharmacist replies Oh my goodness, a talking duck! You are just adorable! But no, this is a pharmacy, we sell medicine. There’s a grocery store across the street though, they sell grapes. Here’s ten dollars, go buy some, you cute lil’ guy! The duck goes Okay thank you! Goodbye. , takes the money in his bill and leaves. ***** The next day the same duck walks into the pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and says Hello! I want grapes, do you have grapes? Sorry buddy, I told you last time, I don’t have any grapes. I only sell medicine here. Go to the store across the street. Okay thank you! and the duck leaves ***** The next day comes and again, at the same time of day, the duck walks in. Hello! I want grapes. Do you have grapes? Exasperated the pharmacist replies Look duck, I told you, I don’t have grapes. I have medicine. Go across the street, I’ll even call them and tell them you’re coming. Just walk over there and get your grapes! Okay thank you! Goodbye. ***** Can you guess what happens today? YUUUP. Duck walks into the pharmacy! Hello! I want gra- I DON’T HAVE GRAPES! I HAVE MEDICINE! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ASK ME FOR GRAPES TOMORROW I’M GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR! Okay thank you! Goodbye. ***** Tomorrow comes and the Pharmacist dreads waiting. He’s watching the door with every spare minute, every tingle of the bell makes him wince at the thought of seeing that goddamn duck again. Just as he’s about to close he thinks he’s won! 5 minutes before closing time he’s just locking away the medicine in the back room and he hears the entrance bell ring, signaling a customer. He walks up to the counter and sees nobody. – He slowly looks down and sees that darn duck standing right there. Hello! I want nails. Do you have nails? It’s a change of pace, at this point he’ll take anything. I told you, we sell MEDICINE. Not nails, not grapes, medicine! So you don’t have nails? No, I don’t have nails. Do you have grapes? ***** The delivery works better in person, you can tell it much more organically, and giving the duck a funny voice really helps. Any thoughts or feedback?
A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon. Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. gimme a beer, bottle of whisky . After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. All right you sons of bitches! Who’s the coward that stole my horse! The bar fell silent, some ducked under tables. No one!? He shouted. I’m gonna have another beer and a shot, and if my horse ain’t back out there when I’m dun… I’m gonna have to do what I did back in Odessa, an I dun don’t wanna do what I had to do back in Odessa…. He said coldly. Some of the locals shifted restlessly, and after the cowboy finished his drinks he walked back outside. Low and behold his horse was out there. He started saddling him up, hopped on and was getting ready to spur out of town when the bar keep spoke up. H-h-hey m-m-mister? He stuttered. W-w-what did you have to do back in Odessa? The cowboy flicked his cigar, I had to walk home.
Heaven and the Ducks A man dies and is sent to meet St. Peter at the gates of heaven. There he sees St. Peter standing in front of a field of ducks. The man asks what the ducks are for and St. Peter tells him that if he steps on a duck he will be paired in heaven with an ugly women, however if he can make it through the field he will be rewarded with a beautiful women at his side for all of eternity. The man carefully begins his trek across the field of ducks and after a few close calls, he makes it to the end of the field. St. Peter arrives at his side and congratulates him on his success and that his partner will be arriving shortly. Suddenly the most beautiful women in the world appears at his side. He looks at her in aww and says, how in the world was I lucky enough to end up with a women as beautiful as you! . The women looks at him and replies, I don’t know, all I did was step on a duck.
A duck walks into a pub… *(Stolen from Facebook. Apologies if it’s a repost.)* A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, Hang on! You’re a duck. I see your eyes are working, replies the duck. And you can talk! exclaims the barman. I see your ears are working, too, says the duck. Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please? Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way? I’m working on the building site across the road, explains the duck. I’m a plasterer. The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything! Sounds marvelous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. Get him to give me a call. So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money. I’m always looking for the next job, says the duck. Where is it? At the circus, says the barman. The circus? repeats the duck. That’s right, replies the barman. The circus? the duck asks again with the big tent? Yeah, the barman replies. With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans? says the duck. Of course, the barman replies. And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle? persists the duck. That’s right! says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!
A man walks into a bar… …with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir? The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
The old man and the young boy… One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, What do you have there boy? The boy says, I got me some chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens! I don’t think it works that way, son. said the old man and the boy continued on. Sure enough a few hours later the boy walks by with a bunch of chickens attached to the chicken wire. The old man finds this quite baffling, but lets the boy continue on. The next day the old man sees the boy walking by again carrying a roll of duct tape. What do you have there boy? asked the old man. I got me some duct tape, I am going to go catch me some ducks. Replied the boy. I don’t think it works that way. said the old man. The boy continued on and sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a bunch of ducks attached to his roll of duct tape and once again the old man is baffled by this. The next day the boy walks by again with a long rod and fuzzy thing at the end. What do you have there boy? asked the old man. I got me a pussy willow. replied the boy. The old man looks at the boy and says, Wait right there, let me go get my hat.
Why is a duck-billed platypus called a duck-billed platypus? Because fucked up duck-beaver lookin thing doesn’t sound scientific enough.
Yo mama is so poor… … ducks throw bread at her.
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, got any grapes? to which the bartender replies nah sorry mate, we don’t have any grapes. The next day the duck walks in and asks the bartender got any grapes? and the bartender looks at him and says no I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes here. The following day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender got any grapes? At this point the bartender loses his temper and says he’ll nail the duck to the floor if he asks again. The fourth day the duck walks in and asks the bartender got any nails? Surprised, the bartender says no, why do you ask? and the duck says gooood! got any grapes?
A cute one I heard from a friend at work. Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. 5 dollars Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says I don’t have a buck to my name! the skunk cries I have no money, not even a scent! but the duck says to the bartender It’s alright, just put it on my bill .
[NSFW] 3 Ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers. When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, Thanks man, my name is Tom. The bartender says Nice to meet you Tom! How’s your day been? Tom replies Man! I have had the best day ever… I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn’t ask for a better day! The bartender congratulates Tom on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, Thanks man, my name is Dick. The bartender says Nice to meet you Dick! How’s your day been? Dick replies Man! I can’t remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever! The bartender congratulates Dick on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says Let me guess…your friend’s names are Tom and Dick, so you must be Harry! The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON’T ask me how my fucking day has been!
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have large, flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
So this guy walks into a doctors office… …with a duck on his head. The doctor says Can I help you? The ducks replies Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass? (Credit: from the brilliant movie My Favorite Year )
Surreal, wtf, insane Repost: Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. lolwut Any similar?
Bubba n’ Buford II One day Bubba n’ Buford were drivin’ down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin’ Lone Star longnecks n’ chillin’ out to Bob Wills San Antonio Rose n’ low n’ behold, they come over a hilltop and there’s a DPS roadblock a stoppin’ folks. Thinkin’ quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n’ Buford says What we gonna do, you get another DUI n’ they gonna throw away the key n’ I’m still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater! Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n’ says, Here I got a idy… . Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good ‘ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n’ ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there’s Bubba n’ Buford smilin’ ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, You boys been drinkin’? With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, No sir. We’re on the patch!
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Got any grapes He says No, why? The duck just walks away The next day he comes back and asks for the same thing The bartender says, annoyed, No, we didn’t have any yesterday, and won’t have them tommorow, or ever The duck just walks away The next day the duck asks for grapes again The bartender, steaming angry at this point yells LOOK DUCK! I’VE TOLD YOU 2 TIMES ALREADY, WE DON’T HAVE GRAPES. IF YOU ASK FOR GRAPES AGAIN, ILL NAIL YOU TO A WALL The duck looks at him for a minute then says Got any nails? The bartender, confused, says No… why? The duck then says Good. Got any grapes?
Three friends die and go to heaven *Edited for spelling* [The names of the friends are interchangeable, try using your own friends’ names for added humor] Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual speel that everyone gets when they’re about to enter, and as they are walking in he says By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don’t step on a duck. The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in. The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, QUACK! Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of you time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity. The angel shackles the two together and flies off. After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud QUACK is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away. The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, Wow! What did I do to deserve this? And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!
