Larry comes home to find a gorilla on his roof. After calling several animal control numbers in the phone book, he finally calls a man who thinks he can handle this gorilla. The man arrives at the house in a white pickup truck with his dog in the passenger seat and a rifle in the back. He hands the rifle to Larry and says So here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m going to climb up onto your roof and scare the gorilla off. Once he hits the ground, I’ve trained my dog to go bite his nuts and shake them until the gorilla passes out. After that I’ll load him up and go release him in the hills. Larry thinks about it and decides the plan isn’t half bad and may actually work. But why’d you give me the rifle? If I fall off the roof, shoot the dog.
The bar bet A man walks into a bar to find a bottle full of 50 dollar bills on the table. He asks the bartender what the deal is to which he replies give me 50 dollars and I’ll tell you. The man decides it’s not worth it and orders a drink. After he’s had a few, the man is a little tipsy and getting more and more curious about this bottle full of 50’s so he decides to go for it. The bartender tells the man that if he completes three tasks, he wins the whole bottle. The first task was to drink a full cup of vodka without making a face. The second was to go out into the alley behind the bar and pull a rotten tooth out of the guard dog out there. Finally, there was an old lady in the upstairs apartment who had never had an orgasm so the third task was to make her cum. The man agrees and immediately downs the vodka without a problem. After this, he stumbles out the back door of the bar to perform the second task. After about 20 minutes of barking and screaming the man comes back inside, covered from head to toe in bites and scratches and asks the bartender alright now where’s this old lady who needs her tooth pulled?
I’d been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I’d had a good weekend. It was very productive, I said. I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike. That’s great, he smiled. How old is he? Ten years old, I replied. Oh, well that’s not actually impressive at all, he sneered, walking off. Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes from.
Why did the two chicken crossed the road? Because The Hound wanted to eat both of them.
Talking dog. A man was driving through the countryside one day and he passed a nice little cottage and there was a sign outside saying ‘Talking dog for sale’ so he pulled into the driveway and knocked on the door. An middle aged man answered. I believe you have a talking dog for sale? Yes, come on in, he’s just in his basket. Go over and have a word. So he went over to the dog, it was about 5 years old, an Alsatian. How are you, mate? Well not too bad, thank you mate. Thanks for asking replied the dog. I’m having a couple of days off, I’ve had a bit of a traumatic time. You see, I was over in a war zone as a sniffer dog. Bombs going off every day, people shooting at you, rockets whizzing past your head. I’ve just recently come back after 6 months and I’m just going to lay here in my basket and have some time to myself. Well that’s only fair. Good on you, enjoy yourself So the man goes over to the owner, How much for your dog then? £5. £5? That’s bloody cheap for a talking dog! That’s dog’s a lying bastard, he’s never even left Cornwall!
An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa: Consul: Your name please? Arab: Abu Zina. Consul: Sex? Arab: Every day. Consul: Er, I mean, male or female? Arab: Don’t matter, sometimes even Camel. Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too. Consul: Isn’t that hostile? Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!. Consul: Oh dear! Arab: No deer! run too fast.
A man walks into his regular bar.. He takes an open seat next to the bartender. He and the bartender are good friends so they begin to talk. You want the same thing as yesterday? I just got restocked on your usual.. Nah. I don’t drink that anymore. I drank so much that when I got home I started blowing chunks. Well…anyone who has 7 beers will usually throw up from it…doesn’t mean you can’t drink it anymore, said the bartender. The customer replies, No, you don’t understand. My dog’s name is Chunks.
A blonde is walking on a path… she sees a piece of dog poop on the ground. She bends down, dips her finger in it and tastes it. Yuk, its poop. Then she moves on thinking, Thank God I didn’t step on it.
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it in a circle over his head. The bartender says, What the hell are you doing? The blind man says, Oh, just takin’ a look around.
A woman settles down on the veranda of a restraunt to eat some lunch and enjoy the sunshine with… Her dog. She scoops the little old dog out of her purse and holds him in her lap while she reads the menu. A man, a few seats away sitting at a table littered with empty beer bottles, turns around, looks and the woman and her dog and scoffs, THAT is the ugliest thing I have ever seen. The woman flushes but refuses to say anything and just ignores him. The man leans out of his chair a little and hollers, No, really, it’s flippin horrendous! You’d do better to put it out of its misery! The woman still ignores the man but is getting very angry. Finally, he swings completely around in his chair and asks, I mean really, you’re in public! Do you think it’s appropriate for a pig to be in public? Finally the woman snaps, looks at the man and yells, Not only are you a belligerent drunk but you’re ignorant as well! This is clearly a dog, not a pig! The man blinks at her a few times confused, Wha? I know that, I was talking to the dog!
So some racehorses are chatting in the stables…. So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. Out of my last 15 races, I’ve won 8! That’s nothing, I’ve won 19 of my last 27 said another Oh that’s good says an older horse. But out of my last 36 races, I’ve won 28! At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently, listening into the conversation. Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72 races. I’ve won 70 of them says the greyhound smugly Holy Fuck! Exclaimed one of the horses. A Talking Dog?
After many hours I have come up with the worst joke I think I’m capable of. Doge is at a linkin park concert, and the singer notices him between songs and shouts hey im a huge fan nof your modelling online, come up here on the stage and wow us with your singing! So doge heads up, and suddenly, out of nowhere, doge’s luck runs wild as a genie appears and turns him into his favourite thing in the world. Food. After his (and the crowd’s) amazement dies down, he finally starts singing. Ive, become such num!
Only funny if you own a dog: I think my dog must have a very cold nose. Every time it walks into a room, all the other dogs sit down.
A man visits a doctor… He complains about chest pains. The doctor nods and asks him to wait. The doctor excuses himself for a moment and returns with a labrador. The dog sniffs the man, licks him and is the taken away by the doctor. The doctor now returns with a cat , it licks the man and scratches him with its paws. Its then taken away. The man is now confused. Meanwhile the doctor returns. And says That would $500. The man was now furious and said But for what I have only been here for a few minutes and you haven’t even checked me up , all you did was fool around with a cat and a dog . To which the doctor replies But sir its for the LAB test and the CAT scan.
I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, I just trained my dog how to fetch a beer. Now this may not sound all that impressive, but he gets them from my neighbour’s fridge.
Two good ol’ boys is sittin’ on a porch… …They see a dog a-lickin’ It’s balls. One turns to the other sayin’, Boy, I wish I could do that. The other responds, Boy that dog will biiiiiitte yooou!
The Study Conducted by the German Scientist Okay this isn’t really a joke but it’s kind of interesting, especially if you like dogs. In 1998 a German researcher by the name of Dr. Karl Wagner conducted a study on the agility of dogs. One hundred male dogs and one hundred females dogs each ran a series of increasingly difficult obstacle courses. Dr. Wagner observed that the female dogs would frequently stumble when trying to jump the high bar, whereas the males dogs had little trouble with this part of the course. After carefully analyzing the data, double checking his results, and comparing his findings against earlier studies, Dr. Wagner concluded that bitches be trippin’.
The NFL has got some messed up rules Kill some dogs, go to jail, then come on back and play. But say the N word …… You in big trouble sucka
My little brother told me this joke in 2011 and I still read it to cheer me up! Man walks into a pet shop, goes up to the owner and says Hiya mate, I’m looking to get a pet. The owner says to him Alright, what kind of pet? Well, I want something original. I’ve had hunners of pets, had dogs, had cats, had hamsters, had fish, I’m looking for something different . What about a turtle? No I’ve had 15 turtles! Something original! What about a lizard? Nae a fecking Lizard! I’ve had heaps of lizards I’ve got lizards coming out my fecking ears! Something different, something exciting! What about a monkey, they’re pretty original and exciting. Original?! I’ve had mair monkeys then I’ve had shags! Unless you can offer me something that no one else has got, then I’m walking out this shop! The shopkeeper thought to himself silently, and then said; There is one thing I can offer you. The man was interested. I’m interested he said. First off you have to promise not to tell anyone you got it here. Aye nae bother! Let’s see it! So the shopkeeper took the man to the back of the store. There was a door covered with locks and chains. Slowly the shopkeeper took off each chain and unlocked each lock. He then opened the door and revealed a small room. In a dimly lit corner of the room there was a majestic polar bear, tied up with a chain around it’s neck, breathing heavily as it slept. Brilliant! Exclaimed the man. I don’t care fit the price is, I’m having that polar bear! The man and the shopkeeper did the deal, the man took the polar bear by the rope and started to leave the shop. Then the shopkeeper shouted at him Wait! I almost forgot. There is one thing you must remember. Never, ever touch the polar bear on the nose. God help you if you do. Nae problem! Said the man as he toddled off. Don’t touch him on the nose, easy peasy. So the man walked casually down the street with the polar bear, naebody gave them a second look, people are used to seeing this type of stuff. They waited at the bus stop, when the bus came he argued with the driver that the polar bear should get on for free. Begrudgingly paid for himself and the polar bear, took their seats on the bus, and eventually, got home. The man tied the polar bear up in his kitchen, and stared at the beast in awe. Brilliant, me and this polar bear are gonna have so much fun. We’ll go for walks, we’ll play fetch, we’ll have bathtime. It’ll be great . The man went to his bed that night dreaming of polar bears. When he got up in the morning, he ran downstairs to see if the polar bear was up. He ran into the kitchen but was disappointed to see the polar bear was still fast asleep. He went back often that day, but the polar bear never awoke. I’ll just give him time, maybe he’s tired and needs a rest. The next morning the man awoke and ran to the kitchen. But the bear was still asleep. The next morning, the same thing. The next morning, bear still snoring. Morning after that, bears sitting there reading the morning paper. Next morning, bears asleep. This is useless. What’s the point in having a polar bear if it doesn’t do anything! The man exclaimed. I wonder what the shopkeeper meant would happen if I touched it’s nose … The man pondered. It couldn’t be anything that bad. Slowly, the man approached the bear. The bear was snoring heavily, it’s sharp teeth dripping drool from the side of it’s mouth. The man wiped sweat from his brow as he stood face to face with the beast. Slowly, he reached out his hand, and tapped the bear on the nose. Nothing. No reaction from the bear whatsoever. Fit the fu- Suddenly the bears eyes opened wide. It appeared startled at first, but then saw the man. The bear started to growl, and stood tall, pounding it’s paws of the ground. Awww, shite! said the man as he started to walk towards the door. All of a sudden the chain ripped from the bears neck. He was free to charge at the man. The man turned and ran out of the house, and locked the door behind him. He was sweating with fear, he could hear the polar bear banging on the other side of the door. The man considered his options. He saw his car and decided to jump in and just start driving, he would worry about where he was going later.* *If at this point in the story you’re wondering why, if the man had a car, he took the bus to the pet shop, it’s because parking prices for the city centre are absolutely extortionate. The man turned the ignition on, slammed his foot on the pedal, and the car slammed into his house and destroyed his bathroom. Shite! The man yelled as brown shitey water sprayed from what used to be his toilet all over his car. Left it in fucking reverse! The man changed gears and drove away. As he drove he caught a glimpse of the polar bear drinking the brown shitey water from what used to be the toilet. The man puked a little. He kept driving, considering where he should go. The airport! I’ll get away, stay abroad for a few days, wait for the polar bear to wander off, then it will all be fine. The man began to relax, he had it all worked out in his head. He looked out his rear-view mirror, and his jaw dropped. He saw running on the road, the polar bear, drool coming from it’s mouth. The man sped up but the polar bear kept running, it got faster and faster, closer and closer. The polar bear was in touching distance of the car. The man suddenly slammed on the breaks, as the car ground to a halt the polar bear ran head first into the bumper and fell back. The man laughed as he drove away to the airport, leaving the polar bear on the side of the road. The man got to the airport, ran inside, and looked for the first plane out of the country. There was a flight departing in 20 minutes for Cuba. The man went to the counter, pulled out his credit card, and bought a one way ticket. He went through security, into customs, bought a kit kat, a bottle of Coke, and a Take A Break, and boarded the flight. It’s all going to be okay. The man thought, as he sat at his window seat on the plane. The plane began to take off, and the man decided it would be nice to have a view of the ground. He lifted the window blind (you know the shitey wee plastic things you get on a plane) and was terrified to see, on the wing of the plane, the polar bear, with his face pressed up against the window staring at the man. The man yelped, and pulled the blind back down. How the fuck The man thought to himself. The plane was shaking with the force of taking off. it’ll be fine, there is no way he will survive the whole plane journey out there. The plane evened out, and the man slowly opened the blind again, the polar bear was still there, face pressed up against the window. The man pulled the blind back down again. Ho-lee-crap. The man thought, as he slumped in his seat. There was nothing that he could do but wait it out. He kept checking every 10 minutes or so, but every time the bear was still there at the window, face pressed up against the glass, staring at the man. The man drifted off, and awoke several hours later. He opened the blind but the bear was still there, staring. Jesus! That bear is determined! The man mumbled. He felt his stomach rumble. He looked about for his kit kat but couldn’t see it anywhere. He peered out the window. The polar bear was grinning, as it unwrapped the mans kit kat and slowly ate it, savouring every chocolaty bite. Son of a bitch The man cursed, under his breath. He pulled the blind back down and sighed. He could feel the plane coming in to land. What was he going to do? He decided he would just have to get off the plane as fast as possible and run. As the plane grounded to a stop the man jumped over people, squeezed his way through. He barged past a young couple, then yelled PISS OFF! at an old lady at the front as he knocked her to the ground. He jumped from the plane and started running. He heard the thud of the polar bear as it jumped from the wing and started chasing him. This was it, the man thought. He couldn’t get away from the bear. He couldn’t outrun it. He didn’t even know where he was going. He soon found himself at a dead end. He turned and gulped. The polar bear stood there, towering over the man. It had the look of a hunter in it’s eyes, and drool in it’s mouth. Why the fuck did I have to tap it on the nose! The man thought, as the polar bear slowly approached him, growling under it’s breath. The man felt warm liquid trickle down his leg as he cowered in the corner. The bear stood over the man, sniffed at him. The man started to cry. The polar bear roared. The man felt excrement build in his pants. In one swift movement, the polar bear lifted it’s paw high above the man It brought it’s paw swinging down The paw connected with the mans shoulder, as the polar bear yelled TIG! YOU’RE IT!
Native American Baby Naming A wise man and his grandson are sitting at the fire… So, we look outside of the tent and name the child after the first thing we see said the old chief. First came your Sister, Little Deer Then my brother, Running Elk? Yes- Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?
A guy walks into a bar.. A guy walks into a bar and sees a big fish tank full of money, $100’s, $50’s, and $20s. There’s a sign on it saying you can win it He goes up to the bartender and says Wow, that’s a hell of a lot of money. How do you win it? The bartender says Well you gotta do three things. You gotta find the biggest, toughest man in the bar and knock him out in one punch. Second, theres a doberman out back, meanest dog you’ve ever seen. He’s got a sore tooth and you gotta pull it out. Last, there’s a whore upstairs, shes been a whore for 30 years and nothing gets her off anymore. You gotta go upstairs and get her off. The guy thinks about this and orders some shots. A few shots in, he looks around and finds the biggest guy in the bar, taps him on the shoulder and knocks him out cold. He goes back to the bar and puts down a few more shots and walks out the back door. Then there’s screaming and growling and barking and all kinds of hell being raised through the door. He comes back in, bloodied, clothes ripped and out of breath and he says Now where’s that old whore with the sore tooth?
A man, walking with a brick tied to a dog leash… A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him, walks up to the man and says, Hello sir, I like your dog! The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, It’s not a dog, it’s a brick. The policeman replies, Oh, sorry, I thought you … never mind, and walks off, puzzled. As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, We fooled him, didn’t we Buddy? Yes we did, yes we did!
A fireman is at the station house working outside.. A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says Hey little boy. What are you doing? The little boy says I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck! The fireman walks over to take a closer look. Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck! the fireman says. Thanks mister , says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. Little boy , says the fireman, I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster. The little boy says, You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!
A woman looks to move to a new neighborhood in a diffrent city As the woman drives around the neighborhood she thinks it is perfect for her. she starts to notice there are no churches around the area she wants to move to. Being a woman of the church she continues to drive around the neighborhood to try and ask someone where she can find the closest church. She drives by a black woman walking her dog and asks the woman. Excuse me mam but i would really love to move here. But there are no churches! The lady responds Church’s? I dont know mam i goes to popeyes.
Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.
An unfortunate blind date. that’s the last blind date I go on. She turned up. hit me with her cane then her dog bit me. It was like she couldn’t even see.
Dog names What do you name a male dog with no hind legs? Dragonballs.
What do you call a cold homie? A chilly dog.
A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, yep, he is dead, that will $535. The man was outraged and asked Why it is so much? , the vetanarian replied, $35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.
I don’t believe in God, I don’t begrudge anyone who does… … I think it’s brilliant that you have something to believe in, and hold on to. What I don’t like are celebrities jumping on the religious bandwagon just for the sake, for appearing cool, and trendy. Because I firmly believe that a Christ is for life, and not just for dogmas. – My favourite Chris Turner joke.
Why do cowboys prefer wienie dogs? So they can get a long little doggie.
Elephant meets a camel somehow. The elephant asks the camel why he has boobs on his back. The camel replies, You don’t have much to say because you have a dick on your face. So they can get a long little doggie.
Ivan Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint the phone rings and he jumps up shouting Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!
My pal Mike was going out of town and asked if I could take care of his three dogs, Butternut, Maple, and Willow. Right then and there, I knew it was gonna be… […a tree dog night!](http://instantrimshot.com)
A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him, What do you want it to say? WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF The telegram guy says, I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn’t know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra ‘WOOF’ on there for you? The dog looks at him, confused, and says, But then it wouldn’t make any sense! – Norm McDonald
I was walking down the street the other day… when I slipped in dog shit. A minute later I saw a man do exactly the same thing. I said to him, I just did that . So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
Broccoli joke So a woman walks into a grocery store and asks do you have any broccoli no says the guy stocking shelves. So the woman leaves. So the woman came back the next day and asked the same question, again the guy said no. So again the woman came back and asked again, so the guy finally said can you spell cat as in catostophe so she spells c-a-t. And can you spell dog as in dogborne? So she says d-o-g. Now can you spell freak as in broccoli? Then the woman says there is no freak in broccoli, THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!
Ukrainian dog in Russia. The dog runs from Ukraine to Russia across the boarder. People asks: Why are you running? The dog replies: Life in Ukraine is hard, I decided to go live in Russia. A week later, the dog, with the eyes bulging, runs back to Ukraine. Why are you coming back? They didn’t allow me even to bark there!
The shaggy dog. A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy’s dog: He’s not that shaggy.
Ex’s Ex’s are like dogs. Keep them on a long leash they’re fine. Keep them on a short leash they’ll bite through it, run all over the neighborhood, then eventually come back to you because you’re the only one that feeds them.
Hitlers Joke My dog has no nose. Well how does it smell? Awful.
Taking my dog for a walk Taking my quadriplegic dog for a walk is a real drag.
What’s the best Russian Reversal joke you know? A few of my favourites…. * In Soviet Russia, Google searches you * In Soviet Russia, sentence finishes you * In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drives you * In Soviet Russia, lazy dog jumps over quick brown fox * In Soviet Russia, fetus aborts you. * Roses are red, Violets are blue, In Soviet Russia, Poems write YOU * in soviet Russia, chuck Norris still kills you
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees… (nsfw, I guess) … a dog licking its balls. He says I wish I could do that and the bartender say Give him a biscuit, he might let you.
Why would anyone get married twice? You know it blows me away that people get married a second time. The first time I understand. You’re young, in love, probably smoking pot and doing a bunch of camping. I get the whole first time thing, you have hopes and stupid retarded dreams that kick you in the liver in the middle of the night because you’re snoring and her Ambien wore off. It happens, it’s gonna happen. But when it falls apart and you’re rushing the morning dookie so you can snort down a shot of orderless vodka before you’re on the news for poisoning the neighbors cow, why in the heavenly blue green earth would you give marriage a second go? If the first time doesn’t work for me that’s it. I put all my little Indian boys in in the first one. I would rather have schizophrenia than marry another crazy female who looks at me everyday like she smells a massive egg fart and thinks I probably have, she wouldn’t put it passed me, done something weird or dirty to the dog.
Two hearse funeral A man finishes his lunch at the local deli and as he is leaving sees two hearses, a widower with a dog, and 200 men in single file lined up behind him. Curious, the man walk over and says, I don’t mean to bother you, but what exactly is going on? The gentleman replies, This is my wife’s funeral procession. Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t be, the man says, she was a complete bitch. She hit my dog and he managed to kill her. The guy looks at the dog, it seems friendly enough, shrugs it off and says, Well if your wife is in one of the hearses, who is in the other? My wife’s mother. She saw my dog fighting with my wife and jumped in and tried to get him to stop, but he managed to kill her too. Wow, that’s incredible! the guy says. Is there any way I can borrow your dog? The owner replies, Yeah, sure. Get in line.
Murphy’s law on sex Murphy’s Laws in sex 1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2.Nothing improves with age. 3.No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again. 4.Sex has no calories. 5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7.Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. 8.No sex with anyone in the same office. 9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10.A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12.Virginity can be cured. 13.When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later. 16.Sex is dirty only if it’s done right. 17.It is always the wrong time of month. 18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either. 21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22.The younger the better. 23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 26.Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs. 27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 28.Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught. 29.Love is a hole in the heart. 30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 32.Do it only with the best. 33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 34.One good turn gets most of the blankets. 35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 38.Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood. 39.Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you. 40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 41.Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested. 42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t. 43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 45.Never say no. 46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her. 47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 51.Love comes in spurts. 52.The world does not revolve on an axis. 53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 55.Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. 56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 59. This won’t hurt, I promise.
Booster the Rooster A friend lived in Tennessee for a couple of years back, and this is what he came back with. There was a man who was a sucessful car salesman for over 15 years. He decided he was going to retire and buy a farm. So he buys a farm way out in the country, he gets cows, chickens, goats, and even dogs. A few months pass and no chickens are laying any eggs, so the man is very upset. He heads to town to the local feed store and asks the man what he can do to make the chickens lay eggs. The man says I can’t help you but go down the road and this place can help you and hands him their card. So the man goes down the road, walks in and tells the man his problem. The man says I have just what you’re looking for. The man goes to the back and brings out Booster the Rooster, and says that will be $1500 dollars. The farmer is beyond shocked and says that it’s a ripoff. The man guarantees that it will cure his problem. So the man buys Booster the Rooster and heads home. He gets to his farm and lets Booster out, and zoom! Booster lines up all the chickens on the yard like a drill instructor, ordered by weight and color, and starts fucking all the chickens one by one, hitting them straight down the line like clockwork. The farmer is beyond amazed and says Booster! Calm down, your’re gonna fuck yourself to death! The next morning the man looks outside and there are eggs EVERYWHERE. He runs inside, grabs the wife and kids, and they all scoop up eggs. He then looks over and sees Booster ordering all the cows by weight and color, then going down the line fucking all the cows. The man yells God damn Booster, your going to fuck yourself to death! After that the man calls it a night. He comes out the next day and there are eggs everywhere again. He gets his wife and kids out to pick them up again. He looks around and sees the chickens and the cows just laying there, tongues all hanging out and stunned. He looks around for Booster and sure enough, Booster is fucking the dog. The man says God damn Booster, you are going to fuck yourself to death! The man calls it a night and goes inside. He comes out the next morning and there is a huge hole in the fence, and all the animals are gone. The man is beyond pissed, and sets out looking for the animals. Can’t find his livestock, can’t find his chickens, can’t find his dog. Can’t find Booster either. A few days pass by, but still nothing. One morning he sees buzzards circling something. He walks to where he think they’re circling and finds Booster laying there with his tongue hanging out, looking dazed and almost dead. The farmer says See Booster! See! I told you, you were going to fuck yourself to death! All of a sudden Booster perks his head up and says SSSHHHHH, they’re about to land!
A man tells his wife: Honey, this weekend, you, me and the dog are going to the beach house Wife: I don’t wanna go! I don’t care, baby, you, me and the dog are going! I don’t wanna go!! Ok, hun you have to choices, let me fuck you in the ass or blow me hmmmmmmm, i’ll blow you Man unzips his pants, and she proceeds to suck him, suddenly she says: Your dick tastes like shit Oh, yeah, the dog didn’t wanna go either
Two friends are walking their dogs… One has a German shepherd, the other a chihuahua. The one with the German Shepherd says to the other Hey, let’s stop at the bar and have a beer They don’t allow dogs at the bar Don’t worry, just do what I do The man with the Shepherd walks in, and the bartender goes: Excuse me, we don’t allow dogs in here This is a seeing-eye dog I’m sorry! please come in The guy with the Chihuahua walks in. Bartender: Excuse me, we don’t allow dogs here This is a seeing-eye dog Sir, that’s a chihuahua THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?? Bartender: I’m sorry! Please come on in
