A duck goes into a furniture store and says ‘got any duck food?’
The guy at the counter says, ‘sorry, we don’t sell duck food’. The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. ‘Got any duck food?’
‘Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ‘ The duck walks out.
Next day, again, ‘got any duck food?’ The guy says ‘No! we don’t sell duck food! and if you come in here again I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!’
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. ‘Got any nails? ‘ The guy says ‘what?… no’.
‘…got any duck food then?’
What can a flamingo do that a duck can’t that a lawyer should?
Stick its bill up its ass.
A city boy shoots a duck. and it lands on the property of a farmer.
As the boy walks up to retrieve his fresh kill, the farmer stops him and clears his throat. S’cuse me son, but that’s my duck , grumbles the Farmer.
Well I shot it so its mine , argued the City Boy. That you did, but it landed on my property and ’round these parts that means that the duck is mine, dead or alive .
The City boy glared at the farmer and the two exchanged glances. During this, the Farmer remembered an old tradition his Pa used to use to resolve situations like this one.
You know what boy? I respect you, so we will settle this like farmers do. So heres ho we do it: I kick you in the nuts then in return, you kick me in the nuts. We keep going till somebody gives up.
Whoever is standing last gets to keep the duck . The City Boy looked suspicious but, being a punter on his high school football team years back, decides to give it a try.
The Farmer goes first. He winds up, twists his hips, and delivers a huge blow to the Boys balls.
He buckles his knees but manages to stay standing, cursing and turning red. The City Boy then gets enraged and excited to return an even more painful kick.
As he winds up the Farmer stops him and says: Feck it, keep the duck.
What do you get when you cross a bear with a duck?
A big, furry thing with wings, webbed claws, a snout with a duckbill built into it, etc. Basically a mashup of the two.
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies Yes I do! and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks Where did you get this? The guy replies Oh I have a personal genie.
The first man asks Can I make a wish? Sure says the other man Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing
Ok I will, says the other man as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says I want a Million Bucks
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?
The other man replies I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
What do you call birds roasted golden brown?
Maillard Ducks
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”.
I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
A duck walks into an empty bar with a loaded automatic.
It’s a stickup!
The duck motions the bartender to empty his register. But while collecting cash, the bartender presses a silent alarm.
Soon police sirens approach. Cars skid to a stop outside. The duck peeks out a window and sees a hostage negotiator prepare his bullhorn.
Alright you good for nothing mallard, drop that weapon and come out with your hands up!
QUACK!
Kill that man and we’ll strap you in the chair to roast!
QUACK! QUACK!
They’re gonna do it you know, said the bartender. These guys mean business!
Just my luck, replied the duck. With this job, I put all my eggs in one fecking basket!
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying, If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf.
If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick.
If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer.
If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.
The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?
The boy responds, Then I’d be a bus driver.
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
He looks at his wife and says, this is the pig I’ve been fucking.
His wife looks at him and says but that’s a duck.
He replies I wasn’t talking to you
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.
The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure?
Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet..
How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!
The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Two detectives walk in, the door bell ringing as they enter. A man behind the counter greets them as they stroll up to the counter.
Afternoon, sirs. Welcome to the Egg Emporium, the premier distributor of eggs and egg products in town. How can I help you?
The first speaks up; We’ve received a tip there’s fowl business going on at this establishment. You wouldn’t happen to know anything, would you?
I don’t know eggxactly what you’re talking about, but I can show you the back, if you’d like to see.
Yes, that’d be helpful. The second detective grimaces at the first; they could be walking into a trap. There had been an anonymous call that the emporium had been the center of a sex trafficking operation, and who knows what could be behind those doors.
The back rooms contained shelves upon shelves of eggs; duck, chicken, ostrich, emu, crocodile, alligator, Obama. Yolk was strewn about the floor, presumably from dropped eggs.
The employees ran around in chicken suit uniforms, though the detectives attributed this to an odd company policy. And here we are at the last room.
Before you enter, I’d ask that you remember that what we’re doing is perfectly legal. said the man, standing proud in his rooster costume.
What do you mean ‘doing’? You’ll see. The door opened. A naked man lay in the middle of the floor, surrounded by various fowl-dressed men.
Buk Buk Bukkake
How do you get down off of an elephant?
You don’t, you get down off of a duck.
A husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his wife who was in labour, but accidently called the cricket stadium.
He asks, How’s the situation?
He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.
They said, It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!
A duck walks into a pharmacy and wants buys some chapstick.
He says to the cashier put it on my bill .
Three ducks were arrested one night for being in the lake after hours. In court the judge asked the first duck why he was in the lake after hours.
The duck said, I was blowing bubbles. The judge fined him and let him go.
The second duck came in and the judge asked him what he was doing after hours. The duck said, I was blowing bubbles.
Annoyed the judge fined him and let him go.
The last duck came in and the judge asked why he was in the lake after hours.
Before he could respond the judge said, Let me guess, you were there blowing bubbles?
The duck smiled and said, No sir, My name is bubbles.
Do you like duck sausage?
Then duck on over here and get some.
One day a father tells his son You’re 18 now, and I think it’s time you learned about the birds and the bees, so take this duck and go over to this brothel and see what you can do.
Slightly confused, the son heads over to the brothel with the duck and meets with one of the women there. The son explained the situation to the lady and told her that even though he has no money, he does have this duck.
The woman thinks for a while, and decides to take the duck as payment since she knew a guy that could help her prepare the duck so that she could cook it for dinner.
So after they have sex, the woman is flabbergasted at just how magnificent the son was in bed. She even offered him a freebie but being the polite guy that he is, he refused.
So the woman, desperate for another round, offered the duck back as payment, the son agrees and so they have sex again.
Later, the son leaves the brothel with the duck. On their way back home a truck appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits the duck, killing it.
Feeling bad, the driver offers to pay the son for the duck. Not knowing how much it was worth the son settles for $20.
The driver happily obliges, pays him the $20, and they both go on their ways. Finally the son gets home when his dad asks him So son, how was it?
The son replies I dunno dad, you tell me. Ok, so tell me what happened replied the dad. The son replied Well dad, I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and 20 bucks for a f*cked up duck.
Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003. One cow turns to the other and says, we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd.
The other cow looks towards him and says, what are telling me for?
I’m not a cow, I’m a duck!
So this farmer has a rooster named Fabio. The farmer walks out one day and Fabio is humping a duck.
The farmer looks over at Fabio and says Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death.
The next day the farm walks out and sees Fabio humping his goat’s leg.
Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death.
On the 3rd day the farmer walks out to find Fabio humping his horses leg.
Fabio one of these days you are going to screw yourself to death
Finally on the 4th day the farmer walks out to see vultures circling in the air. Fabio lay there dead.
The farmer exclaims I told you that one of these days you were going to screw yourself to death and now look, you’ve gone an done it.
At that point Fabio pops his head up slightly to look at the farmer and says “SHHHH they are about to land!”
For more funny duck jokes, check out the other articles in this series
