Why Airplanes Are a Great Source of Humor for Everyone

but they kept asking me if I can fly a plane. I called the Muslim suicide hotline

But two Wrights make a plane Two wrongs don’t make a right…..

But two wrights make an airplane Two wrongs don’t make a right

but when he is flaccid, only the W and the Y show. After a long flight to Jamaica for George and Wendy’s honeymoon trip, George heads to the restroom to use the urinal. While there, he sees a local man urinating next to him with the letters W and Y showing on his flaccid penis. George excitedly asks the man, Oh, your wife’s name is also Wendy?! The man responds, Nope. It says ‘WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, HAVE A NICE DAY’ George gets his wife’s name, Wendy, tattooed to his erect penis…

BYE PLANE What did onlookers say to the Wright Brothers as they took off?

Caitlyn Jenner, because she’s a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet. Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes?

Can I be the hijacked plane that penetrates your twin towers? Hey Girl!

Carrying 2 mexicans, a frenchman and a texan. An engine goes out and the pilot says they have to lose 500lbs or they’re all going to die. One of the mexicans stands up, says Viva Mexico! , and jumps out of the plane. Then the frenchman, Vive la France! , and jumps out behind him. Next the texan stands up, grabs the remaining mexican, tosses him out the door and says Remember the Alamo! . An airplane is flying along…

Cause their airplanes kept STALIN!! (Ill see myself out…) Why was the russian airforce less superior than their enemies?

Cessna: ‘Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.’ Tower: ‘Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!’ Cessna: ‘Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.’ Student Pilot

Come and I will tell you of a man named Jaque’ mon numeru un flying ace . He was the greatest ace pilot in all of France. He spoke of a woman he once wooed, saying: I took this woman to my quarters and placed her on my bed. I tore her blouse open exposing her beautiful breast. Then I poured white wine all over them and shoved my face into them. And she screamed. Jaque’! Your a mad man! And he said. No! I am Jaque’ mon numeru un flying ace and when I have fine white meat I like to have fine white wine with it. So he turned her over and removed her skirt, exposing her beautiful buttocks. He then poured red wine all over it and shoved his face into it. She screamed. Jaque’! Your a mad man! And he said. No! I am Jaque’ mon numeru un flying ace and when I have fine red meat I like to have fine red wine with it. Then he turned her once more. Spread her legs open and lit her clit on fire! She screamed! Jaque’! You are truly a mad man! And he said! No! I am Jaque’ mom numeru un flying ace and when I go down I down, I go down in flames! Jaque’ non numeru un flying ace!

Comet books! Edit: What do planets like to read?** What do planets like read?

Connery gets a phone call one day from his agent, who says look, there’s a new blockbuster starts filming next week, it’s gonna be a million dollars for a ten second cameo, you in? Connery says yesh, yesh, im interested. The agent says thing is we need you in L.A first thing in morning, can you meet me at the airport for say, ten-ish? . After a bit of a pause Connery says ten-ish? I haven’t even got a raqcuet….. Sean Connery (lame but i love it)

Cos iv never heard of an airplane reverse into a mountain… ill help myself out… Why do I always sit in the back of an airplane?

COURAGE? What is the meaning of courage? Is it to fight a Bull in a bullfight without any weapon? Is it to undertake a cross-country auto trip in a Chrysler Corporation car? Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat? Is it to undergo open-heart surgery knowing that the surgeon has a drinking problem? Is it to practice free fall parachuting? Is it to perform a root-canal on yourself? Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting? No, my friend… those are nothing! THIS is COURAGE!!! Last picture taken of Junior’s dog Hank . http://i41.tinypic.com/2dbosw6.png What is courage??

Credit where credit is due: This is from [Simon Rich](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar). So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. A guy walks into a bar

Crossing the road , he got hit by a truck . Then on his way to heaven , got hit by a plane There was once a very unlucky man

Cum on guys, gay jokes aren’t funny. Niether are 9/11 jokes, they’re plane stupid. Also jokes about the holocaust, Anne frankly I’m tired of it. I did nazi that coming. And what about cripple jokes? I can’t stand them! Don’t forget women jokes! They’re stupid…..period. Cum on guys, gay jokes aren’t funny.

DAM! (airplane stewardess told me and had me on ground laughing) What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So the the prime minister asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, ‘If my best friend is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Incorrect,’ said Cameron, ‘That would merely be an accident.’ A little girl stood up and said ‘If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not’, said Cameron, ‘That’s what we would call a great loss’. The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Cameron searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, ‘If a plane carrying you and all the Tory M.P.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Cameron, ‘And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well,’ said little Johnny, ‘It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either’ David Cameron vists a Glasgow school

Dear Airlines: Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving money while the flight attendants jobs would be better paying than ever before. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. We would not have any need for Air Marshalls, the TSA, etc. This would make flying easier and safer again and would save even more money. This is definitely a win — win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Donald Trump An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Despite the fact that I’m a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up. Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got sucked out of the plane. Gentleman

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, and soon the plane would descend. For gods sake! he fumed. Suddenly, another man appeared, poking his head out from a door. The instructor got a brilliant idea. Look, even he can do it! he said, forcing the man into a parachute and shoving him out the plane. The skydivers shared a look between them and they jumped off rapidly. The instructor was pleased that his plan worked, right until the last man turned his head and told him, Sir, that was the pilot. A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Diarrhea. It’s awful. Especially at the airport when you’re going through customs and then the drug sniffing dog won’t stop sniffing you because you smell terrible and the customs agents make you open your luggage and let the dog go through all your clothes to make sure you don’t have any drugs. Edit: Just kidding! It’s a drug sniffing dog! Also, any of the other things people suggested. What’s brown, smells, and goes through your underwear?

DICK: What’s ur favorite planet? VAG: URANUS!!!! SEX

Did you hear about the girl that backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster Did you hear about the girl that backed into an airplane propeller?

Did you hear about the man who jumped out of a plane at 40,00 feet without a parachute and survived….. …..until he hit the ground Did you hear about the man…..

Did you know that Pluto’s orbit around the sun is so large that it didn’t even complete a single Pluto year between the time we found it and declassified it as a planet? It takes 248 earth years for 1 Pluto year. Isn’t that horrible? Put it this way. We named a planet after a cartoon dog, and before it even turned one in its doggy years, we put it down. Isn’t that horrible? Pluto’s Orbit

Did you know there will be 7 planets tomorrow? Because I am going to destroy Uranus tonight. Favourite pickup line…

Did you planet? What did Jupiter say to Saturn when he found out Saturn was pregnant?

Didn’t Even Leave The Airport D.E.L.T.A. Airlines

Doctors — Take off your clothes. Dentist — Open wide. Hairdressers — Do you want it teased or blown? Milkmen — Do you want it in front or in back? Interior decorators — Once you have it all in, you’ll love it. Bankers — If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest. Police officers — Spread ’em. Mailmen — I’ve got a package for you. Pilots — I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady. Hunters — I love going deep in the bush. SUGGESTIVE PROFESSIONS

Donald looks down on the cities below and says I think I’ll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy? So then Ivanka says Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy? To that the pilot says Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy? EDIT: Thank you for the gold!! The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald Trump decides that being president is tiring and decides to take a vacation. He decides to go parachuting at a resort in Florida. After the pilot straps Donald Trump’s parachute onto him, the pilot says 3,2,1… and go! and Donald Trump jumps of the plane. As he enjoys the view below him, he says, Finally, a joke on /r/jokes where I don’t die! Donald Trump goes parachuting…

Donald Trump is flying over New York City He looks out of the window and says to his family, You know what, I’m gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy! His son looks at him and says, Dad, why don’t you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy. Donald says, Son, that’s a great idea! His wife turns to him and says, Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy! Donald looks at her and says, Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I’ve heard! The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, As long as you’re at it, why don’t you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy? Donald Trump can make millions happy

Don’t ask me, I’m just the drone pilot. What’s the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don’t believe me? Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats! Did you know that an airplane’s propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool?

Dude, I am just the pilot don’t ask me!. What does every pilot say in a bad situation?

Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows: Pocket-protected scientists built a wall made of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors. They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond travelling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours. They rammed a wall made of metal into 400 miles an hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted earths orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards mid-western Prussia at 400 billion miles an hour. They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused over 10000 wayward planes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with over 10000 buildings in downtown New York. They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive. Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall travelling at miles per iron, and the result proved with out a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known to man. Diamond is the strongest metal known to man.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

During boarding, a first class passenger finds a blond sitting in his seat. After trying to explain she’s in the wrong seat the blond just replies, I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. A flight attendant is called over and asks to see the blondes ticket. Mam I’m sorry but your seat is in coach. You’ll have to move. The blond folds her arms and responds the same. I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. After the head flight attendant gets the same result they decide to call the caption. He explains that her seat is in coach and she must move. She replies the same. I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York. The caption then whispers something in her ear. She looks puzzled and gets up and moves to coach. What did you say to her?! We’ll my wife is blond and I know how to deal with them. I told her first class isn’t going to New York. I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of paper, writes WHERE ARE WE? in huge letters on it, and holds it up for the officeworker to read. The officeworker grabs a sheet of paper off his desk, scribbles quickly, and holds up his response: YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. Okay, no problem, says the pilot. I know where we are. We’re over the local college and that’s the engineering school. How do you know that? asks the copilot. Because, says the pilot, the answer he gave us was technically correct but completely useless. Two guys are in a helicopter.

Each supporting different teams one Hartlepool, one Liverpool and the other Arsenal. Their plane crashes in the middle of the ocean and each of them washes up on a desert island where there is nothing but a single sheep. They kill the sheep and use its wool for warmth until they get hungry. Hartlepool fan: I’m from hartlepool so i’ll have the heart Liverpool fan: I’m from Liverpool so i’ll have the liver Arsenal fan: Urm… I’m not hungry 3 Football fans go on holiday…

Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are: Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities. Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage. Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects. DHMO is a major component of acid rain. Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns. Contributes to soil erosion. Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals. Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits. Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes. Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions. Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks. Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S. Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect. What you may find surprising are some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are: An additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly all-natural fruit juices, in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals, in spray-on oven cleaners, in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products, in bathtub bubble products marketed to children, as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections, in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors, in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad, in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and lastly, as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research. ( Source: http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html ) TIL: There is a chemical compound that can be extremely deadly to humans, is most of the time in food, and is not always government regulated.

Edit: This joke is best told out loud A billionaire throws a party for the whole town. He has everything a billionaire could possibly have including: tennis courts, go cart track, mini-golf, private airplane, and a huge mansion. The main attraction however is the biggest swimming pool you’ve ever seen, and inside that pool, the worlds biggest alligator. At the end of the party he makes a announcement, ‘Before everyone leaves Id like to make a challenge, Whoever can swim across my swimming pool without getting eaten by the alligator can have one of three things. (1. A billion dollars) (2. Half my estate) (or 3. My daughters hand in marriage). No one however has the guts to do so and the party ends and everyone goes home. The very next year he throws another party’s just like the first and at the very end he challenges someone to the same challenge as before. However no one has the guts the 2nd year either and everyone leaves. The third year comes and he decides to throw one more party, and at the end of the party he gives his challenge one more time. Just as he is finishing saying what he will give the lucky guy who can swim across, He hears a splash of someone jumping in. He looks over to see this guy swimming as fast as he possibly can across the pool with the alligator chasing after him. Everyone in town is cheering him on as the alligator is snapping it’s jaw at his feet. The man reaches the end of the pool and 3 men pull him up as the alligator snaps his shoe off. The billionaire rushes over and he exclaims, ‘THAT WAS THE BRAVESET THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!! Which choice do you want out of the three?!?! The man is breathing so heavily he can’t speak. The bilionare asks, ‘Do you want a billion dollars?’ The man replies with heavy breathing ‘No no No’. The billionaire responds with ‘You’re a smart man you must want half my estate’. The man replies with heavy breathing still ‘No No gasp No’. The billionaire goes ‘Ok you are even smarter than I thought. You may have my daughters hand in marriage.’ The man replies still breathing heavily ‘No No I don’t want your daughter’. The billionaire now confused asks ‘Than what do you possibly want?!?!?!’ The man replies back with, ‘I, I just want the na, name of the gu, guy who pushed me in. Billionaire throws a party for the whole town

Einstein & a kid sitting next to each other on a Flight…… Einstein says: Let’s play a game…. I will ask you a question, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5 � � and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500 � � � � �… Einstein asks the first question: What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon…? Kid: didn’t say a word, instead reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $5 and gave it to him. Now… It’s the kid’s turn… He asks Einstein: What climbs up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs..? Einstein searches the net….; and asks all his smart friends… After an hour he gives the kid 500$… Einstein asks: Well…so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four..? The kid reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5… Einstein fainted….. Moral: You may be Einstein But never underestimate kids � Einstein & a kid sitting next to each other on a flight

Either way, I wouldn’t see my dad again Edit: Yall need some anal cream if you find this offensive, its a joke mang! What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?.. SNOW! See everybody gets shit here! Sometimes I ask myself if I’d rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn’t matter.

Enda kenny was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Kenny if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’. So, Irelands illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’ . A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Incorrect,’ said Kenny ‘That would be an accident.’ A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not’, explained Kenny ‘that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Mr Kenny searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: If a plane carrying you,and Joan Burton was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘Fantastic’ exclaimed Kenny , ‘and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be a fucking accident either! Tragedy

Eugene and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Eugene would say, ‘Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’ Edna always replied, ‘I know Eugene, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ One year Eugene and Edna went to the fair, and Eugene said, ‘Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’ To this, Edna replied, Eugene that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’ Eugene and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word… When they landed, the pilot turned to Eugene and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Eugene replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’ Fifty bucks is fifty bucks…

Even though this is titled The Worst Joke in the World, you still clicked on the link, and you’re still going to read this. I know how this joke works. No matter how much I tell people they’re going to HATE me for telling them this joke, they still insist on wanting to hear it. Every. Single. Time. Why I’m volunteering to get down-voted to Hell, I dunno, but many of those that I tell this joke to eventually run into a situation where they too share this joke (usually at a party to people who are annoying them). To the best of my knowledge, my friend Dave made this up at a party in high school, while totally baked, and told it for 20 minutes. (He was telling it to some annoying pretty cheerleader-types, who were trying to be cool and hang out with / get high with the skateboard guys. You know the type. I *think* he made this up on the spot to fuck with him; he didn’t give a shit. I was simultaneously awed and thought it was the funniest shit in the entire world when he was done. No, I was not also baked.) Be forewarned, this is a LONG joke, and ya know, the aforementioned hating me at the end: There once was a man who was the Supreme Emperor of the Universe. He owned literally every THING, and every person was his slave and every planet his playground. There was literally nothing he could ever want or couldn’t do that wasn’t his to be had or to be done. And this Supreme Emperor had but one son, who he lavished his affection and gifts upon. And so it came, on the day of his only son’s 15th birthday, that he summoned his child to his throne room. Son, the Emperor said, Today is your 15th birthday. For your present, I will give to you anything you wish to have in my universe. Whatever your heart’s desire, I have the power to make it so. For what do you wish? 1,000 slave girls to do with as you please? A planet to call your own? Whatever you want is yours but to ask. So my son, what do you wish for on this, your 15th birthday? The Emperor sits back on his platinum throne, eagerly awaiting his son’s decision, pleased with himself, content with the knowledge that soon he will make his son happy by providing him anything that he desires from his grand empire. And so, the son thinks long, thinks hard, thinks long some more…. and finally…. comes to a decision. Dad?’ Yes son? I have thought about what you have offered. And I have come to a decision. Yes son, whatever you wish, whatever you want – name it and it is yours – I will command it! I thank you for your generosity father. For this, my 15th birthday, I would like…. Yes??? …. a pink golf ball. The Emperor can scarcely believe his son’s request. Incredulously, he says Son, I can provide you with all your wildest dreams, anything in this cosmos or the next, all yours but to ask! And all that your heart desires…….. is… a pink golf ball? Solemnly, the boy answers. Yes Father, I have thought this through and I am certain: 1 pink golf ball and I shall be content. The Emperor, perplexed, nevertheless, grants his son’s request. So be it. I shall provide to you…. a pink golf ball. And so it came, in the following year, on the day of his only son’s 16th birthday, that he once again summoned his child to his throne room. Son, the Emperor said, Today is your 16th birthday. For your present, I will give to you anything you wish to have in my universe. Whatever your heart’s desire, I have the power to make it so. For what do you wish this year? Do you NOW wish to have 1,000 slave girls to do with as you please? Or NOW a planet to call your own? Whatever you want is yours but to ask. So my son, what do you wish for on this, your 16th birthday? The Emperor once again sits back on his platinum throne, eagerly awaiting his son’s decision, pleased with himself, content with the knowledge that soon he will make his son happy this year by providing him anything that he desires from his grand empire. And so, the son thinks long, thinks hard, thinks long some more…. and finally…. comes to a decision. Dad?’ Yes son? I have thought about what you have offered. And I have come to a decision. Yes son, whatever you wish, whatever you want – name it and it is yours – I will command it! I thank you for your generosity father. For this, my 16th birthday, I would like…. Yes??? …. a case of pink golf balls. The Emperor can, again, scarcely believe his son’s request. Incredulously, he says Son, I can provide you with all your wildest dreams, anything in this cosmos or the next, all yours but to ask! And all that your heart desires…….. is… a case of pink golf balls? Solemnly, the boy answers. Yes Father, I have thought this through and I am certain: 1 case of pink golf balls and I shall be content. The Emperor, perplexed again, nevertheless, grants his son’s request. So be it. I shall provide to you…. a case of pink golf ball. **Okay, here’s where I stop the joke and give you some pointers. You’ve got to tell this to drunk people. They’ll be dying to know why the kid wants the pink golf balls, and will want you to continue. You can stretch out the same setup for each birthday for as long as you can get away with, with each year the son’s requests just being more and more outlandish pink-golf ball related things: A Truck full of pink golf balls A Warehouse of pink golf balls A Factory that make nothing but pink golf balls Finally, a PLANET that is nothing but one giant factory that does nothing but make pink golf balls** And so, on the occasion of the son’s ____ birthday (*however long you’ve successfully stretched this out), the Supreme Emperor decided to visit his son on the pink-golf-ball-factory-planet he had given him. On the way to the his son’s office, the Emperor’s convoy is struck by a speeding pink-golf-ball-carrying truck. The Emperor is stunned to learn that it was his son driving, coming to meet him, and that his son now lay dying in the wreckage. He hurries to him. Stricken, he looks down at his only son. Son, you are dying, he chokes out. Yes… I know Father, the son manages to say. Son, I must know, before you pass. Why? WHY the pink golf balls? WHY THE GODDAMN PINK GOLF BALLS? And the son takes his last breath, says uggh, and dies. The Worst Joke in the World – The Pink Golf Ball Joke.

Ever hear about that Ozzy Osbourne show that almost was? Just a quick story from television history. It was a time of dull reality shows, and this was set to be a spin-off of the Osbournes, aimed at being a Seinfeld-style show. Each episode was to start off with Osbourne doing stand-up, then the episode would be based around the material. It was well-written and funny, yet it never made it past the first episode which aired on Dec. 7, 2006 despite its good reviews, shocking many. The material was nothing more crass than his previous show, and it ran for years. Honestly nobody really knows the real reason behind the Comic Ozzy Pilot bombing, but it caught everyone off guard. Today in history: Dec. 7th

Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth. Oldest to Newest Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play? A.)He wanted to rock the joint Q.)Why didn’t the rancher let the cowboy near his horse? A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball? A.)They can duck Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave? A.)Because they have a lot of guts Q.)Why don’t cars have a problem with motivation? A.)Because they are driven Holiday bonus Q.)What is a Christmas gift’s biggest fear? A.)A tapeworm Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time? A.)Because he is short with everyone Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb? A.)If it isn’t very bright Holiday Bonus Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas? A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer) Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries? A.)Berried (buried) Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves? A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride) Christmas Eve Bonus Q.)Where does Santa put his money? A.)The snow bank Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late? A.)Because they are running behind Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer’s Glue? A.)I have to. I am stuck with it. Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions? A.)It brought him to tears Q.)Why was the farmer angry? A.)He had a cow Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed? A.)Because it is just the pits Q.)How much is a male deer worth? A.)A buck Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king? A.)He liked to throw his weight around Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT? A.)He wanted to have a blast Q.)Why were the butcher’s goods so cheap? A.)Because they were at cut rate prices Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden? A.)He needed some flower Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor’s office? A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes) Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask? A.)Burning questions Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious? A.)Because they are on pins and needles Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait? A.)Bookworms Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning? A.)Because he’s tired Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe? A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences? A.)Because he was in his blue period Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving? A.)Stay in touch Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him? A.)A crushing defeat Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read? A.)Suspense novels Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear? A.)A hoodie Current Events Bonus Q.)Why don’t some people like revolutions? A.)Because they are revolting Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life? A.)Because they are hollow inside Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into? A.)A brush with death Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot? A.)A dead ringer Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay? A.)Because he wanted a cash cow Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC? A.)In case it crashed Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table? A.)Because they often see saucers there Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute? A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found? A.)His patients had lost their minds Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet? A.)He felt it was too plane (plain) Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road? A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate? A.)So he would be heard Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles? A.)People were being driven mad Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear? A.) Because he was in ear shot Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous? A.)He was sweating bullets 36 IS bonus Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music? A.)In stereo Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive? A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets) Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife? A.)Armed and dangerous Nerd Bonus A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to? B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol) Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass? A.)Because her name was brandy Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates? A.)A think tank Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken? A.)Pole-land Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor’s office? A.)Because they always have head colds Q.)Why don’t car salesmen go driving? A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz) Q.)What is the Color Guard’s favorite month of the year? A.)March Q.)Why don’t ants make computers? A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems Q.)Why don’t Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations? A.)Because they don’t want to try to get blood from a stone Q.)Why aren’t lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo? A.)Because they’re never spotted Q.)Why don’t nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette? A.)Because nice guys finished last Military Bonus Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song? A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military) Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from? A.)Staff infections Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth? A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers? A.)Corny Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with? A.)Hay fever Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers? A.)Lesions (Legions) Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get? A.)Collaria (Cholera) Military Bonus Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker? A.)A hot wash Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives? A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people? A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters Nerd Bonus Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer? A.)Denim, denim, denim…..denim, denim, denim (say it quickly) Q.)Why don’t people with bananas go to food fights? A.)Because they’re yellow Q.)What is a mathematician’s favorite art form? A.)Paint by numbers Q.)Why don’t Texas Instruments make their products out of metal? A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso? A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth? A.)I fount it Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him? A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good. America Bonus Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? A.) Because Freedom rings Q.)Why shouldn’t people be upset about water spots? A.)Because it should just wash out Q.) Where might officers prefer to work? A.) In the office Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing? A.) A plasma screen Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese? A.)Take a gander Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly? A.)Because they are always taking flight Nerd joke Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use? A.) A smart phone Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring? A.)Because they are just plain (plane) Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware? A.)A fork-lift Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork? A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top? A.) Because they understand Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically? A.) Current events Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens? A.)They are all about graphite Bonus joke Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building? A.) A Labradoor Retriever Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles? A.)Because they like to peel out before they split Q.)Why can’t rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach? A.)Because the letters need a seal Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes’ favorite game to play? A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever? A.)Because they are always being cooped-up Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash? A.)A running gag Bonus joke Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave? A.) Because there is no morale (no more al) Q.)Why aren’t taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates? A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money? A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy Bonus joke Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist? A.)Because he struck a nerve Q.)Why don’t salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses? A.)Because that’s overtime Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire? A.)He wanted a camp fire Military Bonus Q.)What is a CDE analyst’s favorite dance? A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area) Q.)Why don’t the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes? A.)Because they are really square Q.)Why aren’t mustangs taken seriously? A.)Because they’re always horsing around Q.)Why don’t paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper? A.)Because then they would be on the grid Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait? A.)Because he wanted to be chums Q.)Why don’t tailors get along? A.)Because they are always sizing each other up Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times? A.)Because then you couldn’t have any knights Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat? A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor) Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution? A.)Because they are always asking for exact change Current Events Bonus Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling? A.)Because Ebola is deadly Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs? A.)Because they tell colored jokes Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches? A.)Because then it’s the pits Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters? A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars? A.)Because of all that horse power Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking? A.)Because they are always horse Holiday Bonus Q.)Why aren’t turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving? A.)Because they are usually stuffed Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height? A.)She told him to please hold Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers? A.)Because they think they’re uppity Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside? A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition Q.)What did the tourists say about the world’s largest glass house after it was broken? A.)It’s not all it’s cracked up to be Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything? A.)Antibiotics Q.)What was Strategic Air Command’s favorite part of Christmas? A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe) A years worth of jokes

Everybody? I don’t know. All over the planet I guess. Where is everybody?

Everyone is comfortably settled in watching a movie, reading a book or sleeping. Suddenly the cockpit door opens and the captain steps out, with a parachute on his back. Trying to draw as less attention as possible he starts making his way to the back of the plane. But of course the passengers see this, confused looks everywhere, people start to whisper until one man addresses the captain loudly: Sir, is there a problem? Is something wrong? No, no, don’t worry , says the captain, everything will be fine, I’m on my way to get some help. So a fully booked plane is flying over the ocean.

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die? Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shirt towards her san says, here, iron this. A plane’s engine cuts out and starts to fall from the sky

Everyone on the plane starts to freak out and lose their shit. A gorgeous woman stands up and asks, Is there a man here that can make me feel like a real woman before we die? Graciously, a well fit man stands up and starts to walk towards the woman while unbuttoning his shirt. He throws his shirt towards her san says, here, iron this. Lesbians be like Oh no it’s the end of the world!

Everyone starts freaking out as the plane is plummeting towards the earth. But, the young lady really starts freaking out. She screams out to everyone on the plane I CAN’T DIE LIKE THIS, I NEED TO FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN BEFORE I GO DOWN LIKE THIS! She rips off her dress and reveals her naked body to everyone on the plane. IS THERE ANYONE IN HERE MAN ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! She hollers to everyone in desperation to make love one last time. One man heeds her call, stands up, looks her dead in the eyes, rips off his shirt and throws it at her. HERE! IRON THAT SHIRT! a beautiful lady in her mid 30’s is on a plane that starts to go down…

examples to augment class lectures, a group of students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme. Just before class the following day the professor bided time, touching on a few sensitive subjects. Then halfway through the lecture on foreign cultures, the professor purposely added – So they say there is quite a shortage of young prostitutes in France , on cue the students looked at one another, and started for the door. No need to hurry folks , said the professor with a broad smile, the next plane isn’t leaving until tomorrow afternoon. Annoyed by a professor who frequently used off-color

except instead of being chased by Tom Hanks, DiCaprio is chased by native americans, and instead of pretending to be a pilot, DiCaprio is mauled by a bear. The Revenant is just a rehash of Catch Me If You Can

Exoplanets Thought that one up myself. What do you get when astronomers play tic-tac-toe?

Father Bill is down at his local pub one night when he runs into Don, an old friend from school. They start talking old times and eventually Don brings the conversation around to the fact that Bill seems to be a man of the cloth. You see Bill, I’m actually in advertising, and I’ve been working on a new TV ad with, let’s say, religious content. I’d be really interested in getting your feedback on it . Father Bill agrees, they swap numbers, and Don tells Bill what time and what channel the ad will premiere. Later that night, Father Bill sits down in front of the TV and turns it on, just as the advertisement is about to start. *It’s evening. The camera swoops over a dusty landscape. In the distance, there’s a hill, and the camera starts flying over the ground towards it. As we get closer, we see that there are wooden crosses on the hill. Men are nailed to them. The camera zooms in on one particular man – it’s Jesus, the saviour, dying on the cross for our sins.* *The Camera continues to zoom in on Jesus, right up to his tortured body, follows along his arm, right up to his bleeding hand, zooms, zooms zoooooms right up to the nail that is keeping him on that cross, and there’s some sort of writing on it…A C K E R T O N…* *A voice intones, in the deep, dark, baritone of God:* *** Even then, they knew to use Ackerton Nails! *** Naturally, Father Bill is flabbergasted and discombobulated, but after a while he calms down and calls up Don. He calmly tells his old friend that that was the most sacrilegious thing he’s seen since Two girls, 1 grail . Yeah, yeah, I hear you, sorry ’bout that. We’ve had some other complaints actually , answers Don. We’ve already decided to do some re-shoots tomorrow. Check it out, I think you’ll be pleased – it’s a lot more respectful . Mollified, Father Bill goes to bed. A few days later, it’s time for the premiere of the revised edition of the ad, and Father Bill once again sits down in front of the TV. *It’s evening. The camera swoops over the same dusty landscape. Same hill, same flight towards the crosses…* *But as it gets closer, something’s different… One of the crosses is empty!* *The camera jerks sideways, and there, in the distance, is a man wearing a crown of thorns, running down the hill as fast as he can.* *** They SHOULD have used… Ackerton Nails! *** Sacrilegious ad-man

Favourite because **Jew**piter is the biggest planet in the solar system Hated because it’s a gas planet Why is Jupiter both the favourite and most hated planet for Jews?

Ferdinand Feghoot was a character used by Science Fiction author, Spider Robinson. He was the cause of a large number of groaners. Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion but he always rose to the challenge. He conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History) recruits all from late twentieth-century Terra on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies. Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded , exclaimed one student. Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it? A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby , said Feghoot. Let us walk that way while I explain. As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks. I see , said the student. It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base. That’s right, Feghoot went on smoothly. You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo. His students registered dismay and anguish. Isn’t that right, old-timer?, Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached. Ahm afraid not, suh , said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks. So you see, he finished, eyes twinkling, Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay. Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. And he , he said, turning to his students, is clearly the gradist. A Ferdinand Feghoot shaggy dog story

Ferdinand Feghoot was a character used by Science Fiction author, Spider Robinson. He was the cause of a large number of groaners. Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion but he always rose to the challenge. He conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History) recruits all from late twentieth-century Terra on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies. Look at the perfection with which these streets are graded , exclaimed one student. Earth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it? A new alleyway is being constructed, nearby , said Feghoot. Let us walk that way while I explain. As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks. I see , said the student. It’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base. That’s right, Feghoot went on smoothly. You just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo. His students registered dismay and anguish. Isn’t that right, old-timer?, Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached. Ahm afraid not, suh , said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. Oh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks. So you see, he finished, eyes twinkling, Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay. Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. And he , he said, turning to his students, is clearly the gradist. Remembering the legend..

Fight Ridley Scott’s aliens for six hours in a place of Stephen kings choosing or fly duck taped to the bottom of a low flying plane while under the influence of bath salts/acid (you choose) for the same amount of time? Which would you chose and why?

Finding a plane in your field. What’s the worst thing about a September harvest?

First boy says, my dad is so cool, he drives the car so fast that the road rips apart! . Second boy says, what’s so cool about that? My dad flies the aeroplane so fast that the sky rips apart! . Third boy says, pffft. My dad farts so hard his pants rip apart! Argument between 3 boys

First, they pitch their tent. Then, they cook out, roast marshmallows, then go to their sleeping bags inside the tent. In the middle of the night, both wake up, and Sherlock says, Watson, look in the sky. What do you see? Watson replies, I see billions of stars in the sky. And what do you deduce from that, Watson? Well, Watson replies. If some of those stars are actually planets, and those planets are like Earth, then there might be more life like us out there. Sherlock shakes his head and says, No, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent. Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to camp in the forest

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her. Four guys and one girl on a plane…

Flight attendant asked what’s in my bag. I said it’s my new Galaxy Note 7 and charger. Then she became extra nice, asked me where I would like to sit, what I would like to drink, in which country I would like to land in.. amazing perks. New Note 7 has really nice travel perks..

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones? Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones? After asking several other people, a flight attendant walks up and asks a man a question [NSFW]

Flight attendant: Sir, would you like some headphones? Man: Yes I would! How did you know my name was phones? I hate it when people come in my house and say hey do you have a bathroom?NO we shit in the sink

Flight benefits I could really use a friend with benefits

Flights to any destination in the world for $499 one way…. return flights not available Malaysia airlines are having a huge sale

Flying a plane. What is a chinese pirate an expert at?

Folks complain about sitting near a crying baby on the plane. But what they need to do is think of the right lullaby to sing to help out the little tyke. *Rock-a-bye baby, up in the sky* *When the plane crashes, Baby will die.* *When the wings break, the cabin will drop,* *And down will come Baby, Mommy, and Pop!* *Rock-a-bye baby, up in the air.* *Where the plane goes, the Devil may care.* *Captain’s asleep, the passengers too,* *All the air leaked from a hole in the loo.* *Rock-a-bye baby, ready to nod.* *In arms of good Ahmed, servant of God.* *Laugh at the shiny, glittering knife,* *He’s flying the plane for the rest of your life.* Plane lullabies

For Pontius Pilate’s birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross… he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it! Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing Happy birthday to you… Selfless until the end.

For some reason, it makes you really wanna go to the airport. I really only know one thing about Ebola.

For thirty years Pluto had me convinced he was a planet… I was catfished once

Four best friends are at a bar. While one of them is in the bathroom, one of the other three starts a conversation. You know, I’m so proud of my son, He begins, He started as a mechanic and had so many clients that for his best friend’s birthday he bought him a Mercedes S Class. One of the other guys says Oh that’s nothing, my son started as a pilot and made so much money that he bought himself, and his best friend a private jet! The third guy says Oh yeah? Well, my son started as a construction worker and he made so much money that he bought his best friend a 5 story mansion for his birthday! The fourth friend returns and asks What are you guys talking about? One of the others replies We’re talking about how proud we are about our sons, what happened with yours? The fourth friend says He’s a male stripper for a gay bar downtown. Well aren’t you disappointed with him for doing so little? One of the others asks. Oh no, last month for his birthday his 3 boyfriends bought him a car, a plane, and a mansion! 4 best friends are at a bar together.

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? F**k censorship

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? Father’s Pride

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? Four men reunite at a party and talk about their sons…

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones that stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multi-millionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends? Four proud fathers.

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday. The second guy said, Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third man said: Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: What are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame…what a disappointment. The fourth man replied: No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends! Four Friends At A Party…

Four guys were on an airplane when it started to crash. Then they discovered there were only three parachutes. The four guys were Bill Gates, Bill Nye, Neil Degrasse Tyson, and Ted Cruz. They argued over who got to use the three parachutes. Since the scientists and geeks knew this joke usually ends with the smartest guy in the world jumping out with an empty backpack, they decided to take Tyson’s suggestion and throw Cruz out the door because he didn’t believe in gravity and wouldn’t need it anyway. Four guys on a plane with three parachutes break the fourth wall.

Four guys, white, black, Hispanic and Asian, are all on a plane filled with care packages. They fly over China, where the Asian guy throws over a crate filled with chopsticks and rice as he yells, This is for my people! Next, they fly over Mexico, where the Hispanic guy throws over a crate filled with tacos and salsa as he yells, This is for my people! After that, they fly over Texas, where the white guy throws over a crate filled with beer and hamburgers as he yells, This is for my people! Finally, they fly over the Ivory Coast in Africa, and the black guy hoists the white guy over his shoulder and throws him off as he yells, This is for my people! This is for my people

Four women are at a restaurant, one gets up to use the restroom. While she’s gone, the other three decide to talk about their sons. The first one says, My son is a doctor. He graduated top of his class and bought his best friend his own private plane. The second one says, My son is a scientist on the verge of a cure for cancer. He has so much money he bought his best friend a private island. The third one said, My son is a world renowned architect. He’s designed many of the greatest building achievements today. He has more money than he knows what to do with so he bought his best friend a mansion in Switzerland. About this time the fourth woman comes back and asks what they were talking about. They all reply they were talking about their sons, and wanted to know about hers. She replies, My son is gay. In shock they all apologize and say that must be awful! The fourth woman replies, It’s not that bad, one of his lovers bought him a private jet. Another one of his lovers bought him a private island, and his other lover bought him a Swiss mansion. Four women are at a restaurant

Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’shome for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His Mom replies, ‘Ok, tell me what you think?’ He says, ‘Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.’ __________________ Fred and Mary got married

Freddy The Flea Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach. Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad road. Holy shit Oscar, what happened? asks Freddy. Oscar says, You won’t believe it Freddy, I just rode all the way down from New York on some biker’s mustache, and I damned near froze my ass off . Freddy says, Oscar, you dummy, that’s not the way to travel. What you do is go to the airport, go in the ladies restroom, climb on a toilet seat, and when a nice stew from Miami Air sits down, you hop aboard, and fly first class . Oscar agrees to try this. A couple weeks later, Freddy’s on the beach again, and here comes Oscar, looking even worse than before. Freddy says, Oscar, what happened, didn’t you do what I said? Oscar says, Oh Freddy, I did just like you told me, I went in the women’s bathroom at the airport, and when a nice blonde stewardess sat down I jumped on. It was so nice and warm and comfy that I just relaxed and fell asleep. And the next thing I knew, I was on that same biker’s mustache! . z Freddy the Flea

From [The New Yorker](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar) So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. Guy Walks Into a Bar…

From experience, this works best if you tell it when you return from a trip without flagging that it’s a joke + adjust it to fit the trip: Everything went fine until we got to the airport late in Barcelona. We ended up in the security line behind this Alice Cooper type, with piercings sticking out of his face, studs on his vest, tall zippered boots, the works. He goes through the detector and naturally the thing goes nuts. So he goes back around, takes out a few of the less obvious piercings and tries again. No dice. This repeats, like, three more times, and we start bugging the security guy because we’re going to miss our flight, right? Finally, the guard gets exasperated and he’s like, Look, pal, for Christ’s sake, just give me all the metal you’ve got. And the guy’s like *WAAAAAAAH* (hit a high note/growl/whatever works best for your voice for as long as you can, flash devil signs with your hands in the air, fall to your knees, commitment is key) Then he went through again and everything was fine. My favorite surprise joke.

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary’s factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question. ‘Hey, but where is Gary Smith?’ Everyone is taken by surprise, but they quickly go get Gary from the production lines of the factory. ‘Hey Gary, good to see you,’ says the CEO. ‘Look, tonight there’s this party at the hotel in LA, I’ll send a limousine to go get you!’ The next morning, Gary is late for work. His boss comes to inquire. ‘Gary, why are you so late?’ ‘Well y’know boss, we got a bit drunk with the CEO at the party yesterday, I’m a bit hungover, t’was hard to get up in the morning.’ The boss looks at him rather irritated, but prefers to let it pass. Two weeks later, the POTUS himself decides to visit the factory. Again, huge preparations are made to properly welcome the President. ‘Hey, but where is Gary Smith?’ asks the President once he gets there. Again, people are extremely surprised, but they go get Gary. ‘Hey Gary! Mate, how are you? I’m having a party in LA tonight, I’ll send a helicopter to go get you!’ The next morning, Gary is late for work again. His boss is pretty angry. After all, Gary got drunk with the President himself the previous night… But he can’t control himself and asks: ‘Gary, how the f*ck do you know so many influential people?’ Gary just shrugs. ‘Well y’know, I even know the Pope.’ His boss goes pale, but doesn’t believe him. Gary, to prove his claim, gets on a plane with his boss and they fly directly to Rome. At the Vatican, they stop right in front of St Peter’s Basilica. ‘I’ll go in, and in five minutes I’ll wave at you with the Pope from the balcony, alright?’ Five minutes pass. The boss looks up at the balcony and to his amazement Gary is really standing there next to the Pope. The boss simply faints. A Japanese group of tourists try to reanimate him. Once the boss wakes up, the Japanese tourists ask: ‘What happened to you?’ The boss weakly waves towards the balcony. ‘Look… there…’ The Japanese look up and one of them suddenly asks: ‘Heeeey… who’s that old white-clothed man next to Gary?’ Gary Smith

Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on… *to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP Emergency Landing:

George W Bush was sitting at an airport when he saw a strange man walking by. He had long white hair, a long white beard, wore robes, and rocked sandals that clicked against the floor along with his staff. Dubya got up and stood in front of him. Hey, aren’t you Moses? Moses pretended he couldn’t see him. Dubya asked again, but again Moses was looking away intently. Finally Dubya grabbed the man’s arm and said, Why are you so unfriendly?? To that Moses finally responded, Last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years in the desert. Dubya meets Moses

German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, Occupation? The singer replies, No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We’ll be gone by tomorrow morning. Du Hast

German pilots are bad at knock knock jokes. Knock, knock. *silence* Knock, knock. *CRASH* Too soon? Das Deutsch knock knock joke

German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: Occupation? The German replies: No, no, just visiting. Old tourist joke

Get it? Because, I’ve been jerking off on the plane… I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired!

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Johnny, do you have a story to share? Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands. Good heavens, said the horrified teacher, What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking! A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment