ATTACK DOG A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer. Well, he’s not bad, replied the owner, but I have something better in mind for you. They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. Ah, said the buyer. This must be the dog you were referring to earlier. Well, no, said the owner. I have something better in mind for you. The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. You’re joking! he exclaimed. This dog seems quite tame. He doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt! I know, I know, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
Now that you know, would you ever yell at a parrot? Her windows were broken as a result of burglary so she called a window repair man for help. Since she couldn’t be there, she told the repairman: > I’ll leave my key under the potted plant. Fix the windows and leave the bill on the counter. I’ll wire the money over to your account tomorrow. > FYI, my dog Butch shouldn’t bother you. But mind the parrot. **Do NOT** talk to the parrot. When the repairman arrived, he saw biggest, most intimidating dog he’d ever seen. But the dog never approached him, just like the lady said. The parrot was another story. The parrot screeched profanities at him and repeatedly called him a horse-shit snorting faggot with a tiny-ass dick . The man briefly wondered whether the lady taught the parrot those phrases specifically. The repairman was a very patient man. But soon enough he lost his temper and yelled at the bird, Shut the hell up! To which the parrot responded, Fetch the balls, Butch!
Does He Bite Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don’t know—does he bite? Reggie: That’s what I want to find out.
Things Rednecks Never Say… • I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. • Duct tape won’t fix that. • Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. • Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. • We don’t keep firearms in this house. • Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? • You can’t feed that to the dog. • I thought Graceland was tacky. • No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. • Wrasslin’s fake. • Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? • We’re vegetarians. • Do you think my hair is too big? • I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. • Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? • Who’s Richard Petty? • Give me the small bag of pork rinds. • Deer heads detract from the decor. • Spitting is such a nasty habit. • I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. • Trim the fat off that steak. • Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. • The tires on that truck are too big. • I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad. • I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. • Unsweetened tea tastes better. • Would you like your fish poached or broiled? • My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. • I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. • Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. • Checkmate. • She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? • Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen. • I don’t have a favorite college team. • Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. • I believe you cooked those green beans too long. • Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. • Elvis who?
Murphy… strikes. Lowrey’s Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lowrey’s Law of Expertise Just when you get really good at something, you don’t need to do it any more. Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology There’s always one more bug. Lubin’s Law If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing. Luce’s Law No good deed goes unpunished. Lucy’s Law The alternative to getting old is depressing. Luten’s Laws 1. When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 2. It’s not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you’re off the ground. Lyall’s Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. Lyall’s Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing. Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. Lyon’s Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last. Madison’s Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class? Rev. Mahaffy’s Observation: There’s no such thing as a large whiskey. Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary) Malek’s Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Malinowski’s Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. Malloy’s Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause. The first Myth of Management It exists. Truths of Management: – 1. Think before you act; it’s not your money. – 2. All good management is the expression of one great idea. – 3. No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong. – 4. Cash in must exceed cash out. – 5. Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs. – 6. Either an executive can do his job or he can’t. – 7. If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don’t do it. – 8. If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly. – 9. If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail. – 10. The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it. Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers. Manly’s Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Mark’s mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Marshall’s Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can’t be seen. Marshall’s Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation: 1. Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy. 2. No two people perceive the same thing identically. 3. Few perceive what difference it makes — or care. Martha’s Maxim (and see Olum’s Observation and Farrow’s Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower. Dean Martin’s Definition of Drunkenness: You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. Martin’s Laws of Academia: 1. The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required. 2. Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate. 3. The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment. Martin’s Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time. Martin’s Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases. Martin’s Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Martin’s Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself. Matsch’s Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. Matsch’s Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. Matz’s warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. Maugham’s Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best. May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves). May’s Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor. McCarthy’s Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important. McClaughry’s Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement. McClaughry’s Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down. McDonald’s Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them. McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager. McGovern’s Law: The longer the title, the less important the job. McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur. McKenna’s Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle. McLaughlin’s Law (and see Parson’s Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting. McLean’s Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do. McNaughton’s Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated. Margaret Mead’s Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance. Melcher’s Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column. H. L. Mencken’s Law: Those who can — do. Those who cannot — teach. Those who cannot teach — administrate. (Martin’s Extension) Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. Merkin’s Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. Merrill’s First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors. Merrill’s Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road. Meskimen’s Laws: 1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There’s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Michehl’s Theorem: Less is more. Pastore’s Comment on Michehl’s Theorem: Nothing is ultimate. Mickelson’s Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. Mills’s Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way. MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. Mobil’s Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation. Moer’s Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog. Money Maxim: Money isn’t everything. (It isn’t plentiful, for instance.) Montagu’s Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible. Morley’s Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. Morton’s Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ( What this country needs are some stronger white rats. ) Mosher’s Law: It’s better to retire too soon than too late. Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it. Murchison’s Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell. Nader’s Law: The speed of exit of a civil servant is directly proportional to the quality of his service. NASA Skylab Rule: Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. NASA Truisms: 1. Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read. 2. A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 3. Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately. Law of Nations: In an underdeveloped country, don’t drink the water; in a developed country, don’t breathe the air. Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation. Evvie Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it. Nessen’s Law: Secret sources are more credible. Newman’s Law: Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. Newman’s Observation: The first shall be last and the last shall be first. But if you’re in the middle, you’re stuck there. Newton’s Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Nick the Greek’s Law: All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against. Nienberg’s Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Nies’s Law: The effort expended by the bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error. Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Nixon’s Rule: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Nobel Effect: There is no proposition, no matter how foolish, for which a dozen Nobel signatures cannot be collected. Furthermore, any such petition is guaranteed page-one treatment in the New York Times. Noble’s Law of Political Imagery: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. Corollary: Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American people will vote for the less bald of the two. North Carolina Equine Paradox: Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses? No. 3 Pencil Principle: Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most people will stop doing it. Corollary: If no one uses something, it isn’t needed. Nursing Mother Principle: Do not nurse a kid who wears braces. Nyquist’s Theory of Equilibrium: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. Oaks’s Unruly Laws for Lawmakers: 1. Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement. 2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
Dads… on the loose… 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid’s 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko… 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer What is brown and sticky? A stick. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH. What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter– he can’t come to you anyway. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses. What’s yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Why does Tigger smell bad? He’s always playing with pooh. What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley. How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash. Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice. You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots. Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don’t serve vegetables! The mushroom responds, But I’m a fungi! How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant? Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don’t sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? Look, here come the grapes! (Jane was colorblind.) What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? Here come the elephants! Tarzan wasn’t colorblind. What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time! How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree. Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn’t it? How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can’t get the door closed. How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There’s a Volkswagen parked out front. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you’re pooped out.
HOT! dog what did the dog say about sexy dog to is friend wow look at that hot dog
Geezer goes to the doctor … An old guy goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve got silent gas emissions! It’s horrible. One last night, nearly killed the dog. Another this morning–and the flies died on the walls. And another just a minute ago. Please, its awful, I’ll do anything to cure these silent gas emissions–what can you do, where do we start? Doctor says, first we get your hearing checked.
Two guys are sitting on a park bench One of them notices a dog licking its balls. Man, I wish I could do that, he says to his friend. By all means, go for it. Right here? You won’t mind? Not at all, but you should at least consider petting him first.
A couple of cats and dogs were seen wearing crowns. I think they’re reigning cats and dogs.
A dog comes to visit An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy’s yard. He examines the dog’s collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tail and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog’s collar: Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day. The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow? Edit: grammar
How do you know that a dog is a man’s best friend? Take your girl and your dog, and lock them in the back of a car, return in 5 hours, which one do you think will be happy to see you?
Sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot . I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, I would like to have one too! Then I said, But she is a dog! He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, You don’t understand… I have had Sex since I was nine years old. He replied, You must have been quite a strong boy. When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too! One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. You don’t understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. The Judge said, Me too! Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, I’m looking for Sex. – My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble? I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely. and the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.
Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to git a long little doggy.
How do you know if Jared has been in your yard? Your trash is gone and your dog is pregnant.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if their was a dog.
A kid from a local tribe asks his father how do you choose our names? A kid from a local tribe asks his father how do you choose our names? To which the father replies we name them after the first thing we see when we come out of the tent when the kid is born. For example, when you sister was born, first thing I saw when I came out of the tent was a beautiful sunset behind the mountain. So I named her beautiful sunset behind the mountain. When your brother was born, first thing I saw when I came out of the tent was an amazing flying flock of birds. So I named him a amazing flying flock of birds The son looked sad after hearing this, so the father asked well, what is troubling you, two dogs shiting behind a tree?
The procession. Jim was outside raking leaves when he saw a funeral procession coming up the street. In front was a man walking a large dog, followed by two hearses, and after the hearses came a long line of men. Assuming it was two very famous people who had died Jim ran up to the man walking the dog and asked What happened?!?!? Oh my wife and mother-in-law died. Jim, still thinking they were famous tried to pry a little further. Oh my god, what happened to your mother? My dog Gus here bit her and she died. That’s HORRIBLE, and your mother-in-law??!??!? Gus bit her, then she died to. Jim looked at the dog, then back at his house. Do you think I could borrow Gus next weekend? Get in line said the man who pointed back to the long line of men that stretched off into the distance.
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador…or a houndini.
A joke from my best friend Marty Funkhouser A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening. So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me. Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference. So she does. They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow. It says -: My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms. Your loving husband, Harry. PS. Your cunt is in the sink.
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME 😉 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” 2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.” 3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra” 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!” 5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth. 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off. 7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant. 8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied. 9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.” 11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. 12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked. 13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”. 14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.” 15. There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?” 16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. 17. When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”. 18. ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” 19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”. 20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs. 21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything” 22. Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace. 23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?” 24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here” 25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”. 26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair. 27. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away. 28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” 29. I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?” 30. I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar. 31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”. 32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here” 33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. 34. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, Those are pickled onions”. 36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four. 37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!” 38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster 39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” 40. I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris . He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”. 41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. 42. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel. 43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter. 44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” 45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned. 46. I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. 47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 48. Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners. 49. A seal walks into a club… 50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Doctor asked if my grandmother wanted a priest but she’s an atheist, I quickly called him back, and said Doctor , maybe atheist is too strong a word , she’s more like an agnostic . She also has insomnia , and is dyslexic to boot , so she stays up late at night wondering if there is a dog or not
A dog applies for a job as an accountant… So a dog goes in for an interview at an accountant’s. Unfortunately the manager HATES dogs for some obscure reason from his youth. Anyways, the manager tells the dog that it’s got to pass three tests, else it can’t be hired. First, you’ve got to be good with computers. The dog immediately gets up onto the computer and displays his amazing prowess at both MYOB and Xero. The manger, getting angry now, says Well, secondly you’ve also got to be able to sort paper work! Swiftly the dog bounds along to the filing cabinet and sorts out the disorganized hell that is the firm’s paperwork. The manager, starting to get quite flustered at this point, splurts out Well, you’ve also um… You’ve also got to be bilingual! The dog replies, Meow . – Credit to a friend from my Scouting days.
I got so drunk last night i blew chunks! Chunks is my dogs name.
Two guys are walking down the street Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says: Man I wish I could do that The other guy replies: Ya, you may want to pet him first
Two guys walking their dogs see a bar across the street… Man a beer would be delicious right about now says one. His friend says, But there’s a sign in the window – ‘NO DOGS ALLOWED’. First guy says, No problem – watch this , puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in to the bar. Second guy watches him go in and be seated by the bartender who brings him a frosty pint. He thinks good idea! and does the same – until the bartender sees him and says HEY! The sign says NO DOGS ALLOWED. Guy says, But this is my seeing-eye-dog! Bartender says Who ever heard of a chihuahua as a seeing-eye-dog?!? Guy says, WHOA!! They gave me a Chihuahua?? xs
My best friend slept with my girlfriend. A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed. Bartender: Whats wrong man? Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend… Bartender:What did you do? Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her. Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend? Man: I pointed my finger at him and said Bad dog .
Guy walks into a bar.. (long joke) And asks for a drink. He notices a jar full of money and asks the bartender if he gets a lot of tips. Bartender explains that it’s part of an ongoing bet. The man asks what he must do to win the money. The bartender states that the man must climb the oak tree behind the bar and grab a leaf from the very top, pull an abscessed tooth from a pit bull, and bang a 50 year old virgin. The man refuses. After many drinks, the man finally accepts the bet. He climbs the tree with ease and brings the bartender a leaf. The man then stumbles to the back room where the dog is sleeping. After a lot of commotion, screaming, and yelping, the man returns. He says, Now where’s the lady with the abscessed tooth?
I’m sure I didn’t invent this joke, but i thought of it myself. What do you call a dog/ octopus hybrid? A Dog-opus! What about a cat/ octopus hybrid? an Octo-puss… buddum tiss*
A mother wanted to kill her three boys… A mother wanted to kill her three boys. She grabbed the first thing she could and put BBs in the kids mashed potatoes in hopes of choking or poisoning. The next day, the first boy came to his mother and said Mommy Mommy! I got a BB stuck in my weenie and I can’t go pee … She replied Ok son, go see your father and he will help you out. An hour later, the second boy came to his mother and said Mommy Mommy!! I got a BB stuck in my weenie and I can’t go pee … She replied the same as the first and had the father help the boy out. Another hour later, the third boy comes up and says MOMMY MOMMY!!!… she interrupts him and says Let me guess, you got a BB stuck in your weenie and you can’t go pee? — The boy quickly says NO! I popped a boner and killed the dog!
How the life was decided what goes where… Joke for the day: On the first day, God created the dog and said, Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said, That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten? And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span. The monkey said, Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said, That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty? And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years. But the human said, Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay, said God, You asked for it. So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. Found this, really made my day. 🙂
A man is out for a walk in the park with his 8-year-old son when they happen to spot a pair of dogs fucking. The son asks Daddy, what are those dogs doing? The mortified father struggles to think of an answer. The, uh, dog on the other dog’s back is tired, he says And the dog in front is carrying him home. Aw, isn’t that just typical, daddy? says the kid. You offer to help out and you end up getting fucked.
Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad… and he says Hey, Dad! I’ll bet you $5 there’s some dogs humping just around this corner! Dad considers how likely it would be, and says You’re on, kid! Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up. So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can’t break him of it because he never loses! Can you help? The teacher replies I’ll do what I can Next day, Johnny enters the classroom. Hey teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on! The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties. On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. Hey teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on! She says You’re on! and lifts her dress to reveal she isn’t wearing any panties at all! Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling. The teacher ecstatically calls his father. Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet! The father is astounded. How’d you do that? he asks. Well, Johnny’s been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn’t wear any, so he lost the bet! A long string of curses comes over the phone. Teacher asks What’s wrong? Didn’t I do it right? Dad answers Just this morning he bet me $50 he’d see your pussy before the day was out!
I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog. It said, why love one and eat the other? I thought to myself, that is a good point. I should start eating dogs.
Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane… Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The mother stumbled and didn’t have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, I don’t know sweetie, why don’t you go ask that nice flight attendant, I’m sure she’ll have an answer. So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes? Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that? … Yep , answers the little girl. So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level. You go over there and you tell your mother it’s because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time. 🙂
A dog goes into a hardware store… …and says: I’d like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber . -Steven Alan Green
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? Cause he wanted to get along little doggie.
A man opens a china shop. A man opens a china shop. On the first day, a woman walks in with a pet cat. She asks, Is it okay if I bring my cat in here with me? I promise, she won’t break any of your china. So the shop owner says Sure, let her in. On the second day, a man walks in with a pet dog. He asks, Is it okay if I bring my dog in here with me? I promise, he won’t break any of your china. So the shop owner says Fine, let him in. Now the shop owner is getting a bit annoyed that he has to answer the same question over and over again. On the third day, another man with a pet alligator. Is it okay is I bring my pet alligator in here with me? I promise, he won’t– YES! Yes, okay? Yes, you can bring him in! shouts the shop owner. Now listen. I’m only going to say this once! This is a china shop. So, all animals are acceptable…except a bull!
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture… when suddenly a plain white Chevy advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a rather stiff man in a suit and tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a Dole wannabe, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered sure . The guy parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, You have exactly 1586 sheep. That is correct; take one of the sheep. said the shepherd. He watches the man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal? , OK, why not. answered the man. Clearly, you are a government employee. said the shepherd. That’s correct. says the man but how did you guess that? No guessing required. answers the shepherd. You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…… Now give me back my dog.
What did one dog say to the other dog? I like Hot Dogs .
Rodeo Position Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say’s I miss my missus, but when we make love it’s always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how’s that? We always use the old missionary position the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What’s that? Well you start off doggie style, behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
The Indian at Walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food & goes to check out… The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog & he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring & show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. The Indian goes home & returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. The following week, the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the Manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy & immediately pulls it out…!!! He shouts at the Indian, What the hell…!!! This is shit, you Idiot…!!!??? The Indian calmly replies, Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper please…???
A walk to the zoo. A man walks for four days to visit a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. The dog looks like a St. Bernard, but the man is steadfast in his belief that it is, with certainty, a Shih Tzu.
Urugay still complaining about Suarez punishment: Don’t forget that 4 human months are 2 dog years.
A man has called in sick, three days in a row His boss, concerned about his employee’s condition decides to visit. When he approaches the door to his employee’s home he hears groaning and sounds of someone in pain. Worried about his employee’s health, the boss knocks and doesn’t get an answer. He decides to kick the door in and rushes to the sounds, finding the employee screwing a woman doggy style. You’re not sick! , the boss yells at him. The employee responds, No you don’t understand, I am sick! This is my mother!
A little Native American boy… …went to his father to ask how little Native American babies get their name. Son, when your oldest brother was born we looked out the teepee and we saw two fighting bears, so we named him Fighting Bear When your other brother was born we looked out and saw a running deer, so we named him Running Deer Why do you ask Pooping Dog?
A man walks into a bar… …And sees a jar full of $10 bills on the counter. What’s that for? he asks the bartender. The guy behind the counter replies: We have a contest going on, to take part you gotta drop $10 in the jar. You then drink a shot of tequila, and go outside in the back. There’s a huge Rottweiler with a rotten tooth and you gotta remove it with pliers. Then on the third floor of the building, there’s an 80-year old lady that lives there and she never had sex. Give her the night of her life. If you can do those three things, you earned all that’s in the pot. The man ponders a bit, then says: No, that’s a bit too much for me. Give me some booze. A bit later in the night, after half a dozen beers, the man finds himself staring at the jar full of money. He hobbles over to the counter and slaps a 10$ note on it. A’ight, gimme some tequila! He gulps the contents of it in a shot and whacks the glass on the counter. Where’s that mutt? he asks again. Through the back door, take a left , the bartender replies. The man goes outside. For a good five to ten minutes, everyone in the bar can loudly hear the sound of a whining dog coming from the back. ARF, ARF, YOW! ARF! ARF! A long silence then surrounds the place, and the man waddles back in with a blank face. He then asks: Now where’s that old lady with a rotten tooth?
Is it me or.. Is it me or does this place smell like up dog? What’s up dog? Oh nothing much what’s up with you?
A dog, a pig, and a horse are in a band (Worth the read) They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pay attention to them. The horse goes back to the others and pleads to be let back into the band, and they decide to give him another shot. They play a few more gigs, getting more and more popular, until they have one huge gig halfway across the world, a multi million dollar deal. They all go to bed early the next night so they can get up for the plane ride. The horse, however is too excited to sleep, and ends up oversleeping and missing the plane. The dog and pig leave without him, figuring that he just didn’t want to go. The horse rushes to the airport, only to find the manager in tears. He asks why, and finds out that the plane carrying the band crashed and there were no survivors. Overwhelmed by grief and worrying about the future, the horse says he needs a drink. The horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks Why the long face?
A Priest, A Pervert and A Pedophile Walks into a Bar They are relatively unknown, and are struggling to become popular. They play gig after gig but cannot seem to break through. The horse soon falls into despair, and resorts to doing drugs. He is kicked out of the band, and right after he leaves the band hits it big. Contract labels are starting to pay attention to them. The horse goes back to the others and pleads to be let back into the band, and they decide to give him another shot. They play a few more gigs, getting more and more popular, until they have one huge gig halfway across the world, a multi million dollar deal. They all go to bed early the next night so they can get up for the plane ride. The horse, however is too excited to sleep, and ends up oversleeping and missing the plane. The dog and pig leave without him, figuring that he just didn’t want to go. The horse rushes to the airport, only to find the manager in tears. He asks why, and finds out that the plane carrying the band crashed and there were no survivors. Overwhelmed by grief and worrying about the future, the horse says he needs a drink. The horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks Why the long face?
