What did Mickey Mouse say to Trump when Goofy threw a shoe at him?
DONALD DUCK !!!
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman get captured by Iraqis during the first gulf war.
They get taken to an Iraqi military base in the middle of the desert. Saddam Hussein himself is there, and explains to them that they’re at a secret location the allies don’t know about so there’s no chance of a rescue but they’re only 50 miles from the Kuwait border.
He says they’re welcome to use any of the vehicles & equipment on the base to escape to Kuwait, and if they make it to the border they’re free to go as his men will not shoot over it.
The catch is, they get a 5 minute head start before the full might of the Iraqi army starts hunting them.
So the Englishman says I’ll take that turbocharged jeep , the Iraqis turn their backs while the Englishman jumps in the jeep & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later Saddam sends an attack helicopter which easily catches him up & blows him to bits.
The Scotsman then thinks for a moment and says I’ll use that helicopter so the Iraqis turn their backs as he jumps in the attack helicopter that got the Englishman & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later they launch a surface to air missile that blows the Scotsman out of the sky.
Smugly, the Iraqis turn to the Irishman and say Well? What do you want? To which the Irishman replies I’ll have a duck and 4 springs, please.
The Iraqis are puzzled, but they round up the stuff, give it to the Irishman and turn their backs. 5 minutes later there’s no sign of him at all. Saddam launches everything to hunt him, to no avail.
They find him sitting on the other side of the border, having apparently been there for quite some time.
How the hell did you do that? asks Saddam, both bewildered & impressed by the speed of his journey, to which the Irishman replies; Foursprung duck technique .
Passengers were boarding a plane, when one of them is stopped by the stewardess.
Excuse me sir, but there appears to be a duck on your shoulder.
Yeah, dont worry luv, he replies, thats Mr Flappy! He goes wherever I go!
So the woman lets him because, why not!
So anyway the flight gets underway and all is going smoothly. Mr Flappy and his owner enjoy the complimentary meal and watched the in-flight movie (Erin Brockovich. Not Mr Flappys type of film but he made do).
Not long into the flight disaster strikes! One of the engines had fallen off! Everyone is in a flat panic and the air stewardesses try their hardest to keep everyone calm.
One man who is especially calm however, is Mr Flappys owner.
The stewardess comes over, Sir! Sir! Where is your duck sir?! The man just points calmly out of the window, and there, under the wing of the plane supporting it’s weight on his back, is Mr Flappy!
Mr Flappy is saving the day! Now they can safely get to the nearest landing site with Mr Flappy taking them in!
But then this f*cking bouncing brick comes shooting up from underneath killing Mr Flappy and taking off the wing. The plane crashes and everyone dies.
The End.
A duck walks into a bar… A duck walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes?
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, Got any grapes?
Again, the bartender tells him, No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails?
Confused, the bartender says no.
Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?
What goes above the water and below the water but doesn’t touch the water?
An egg in a duck.
Three wisemen die and go to heaven for their good deeds.
When they arrived at the gates, an Angel greets them and explains the rules, Under no circumstances are you to step on a duck .
And throwing the gates open the wisemen see ducks as far as the eye could see.
The first wiseman goes a week and steps on a duck. The Angel appears and says Follow me. So the Angel leads him down a long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he’d ever laid eyes on, This is your spouse for eternity says the Angel, locking him in and leaving.
A month goes by and the second wiseman steps on a duck, the Angel appears and takes him down the long dark hallway to a room with the ugliest creature he’s ever seen, tells him that’s his spouse now, locks him in and leaves.
The last wiseman goes a whole year and doesn’t step on a duck, but the Angel appears anyway and tells him to follow. They walk down a long dark hallway to a room with the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
Is this my reward for not stepping on ducks?
The Angel smiles, No, she stepped on a duck
What’s the difference between a co-pilot and a duck?
The duck can fly.
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck?
There is a human being inside of Donald Duck.
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies Yes I do! and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks Where did you get this?
The guy replies Oh I have a personal genie.
The first man asks, Can I make a wish?
Sure says the other man Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing
Ok I will says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says I want a Million Bucks
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?
The other man replies I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC
A man comes home one night with a duck under his arm.
He walks up to his wife and says Look at the pig I’ve been f*cking.
She replies That’s a duck you moron!
The man says I wasn’t talking to you.
A duck checks into a hotel, goes to his room, then calls the front desk and asks them to send up a condom.
The hotel employee says, Very good sir, shall I put it on your bill?
And the duck says, Are you a fecking idiot? I’ll suffocate!
A dead duck A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Quackers, has passed away.
The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure?
Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet..
How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck.
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
$150! She cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead! The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
Little Johnny Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.
What do you call a duck that steals?
A robber ducky.
A steed strolls into a bar. The barkeep says, why the brooding look? The steed remains there, gazing vacantly at the barkeep.
Everybody begins to feel somewhat clumsy. The stallion’s handler comes in and drives it out, however not before it’s thumped over a few glasses and ruined itself.
Obviously, the bar is shut for whatever remains of the day.
Jesus strolls up to the bar, yet it’s shut for cleanliness reasons and he goes adjacent to a lodging. He hands the assistant two or three nails and says Would you be able to put me up for the night?
The secretary pauses for a minute to comprehend, not speaking Aramaic, but rather can clarify in pantomime that nails are not legitimate delicate.
After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been somewhat harrassing the secretary throughout the previous few days by requesting grapes waddles in. The duck inquires as to whether the secretary has any nails, and the assistant at last snaps.
Choosing to leave the most crazy workday of his life, secretary goes to the bar, and is enraged to think that its shut. He jimmies open a window, not minding who sees.
Be that as it may, two old companions over the road, a cleric and a rabbi, DO see. Being holy men, they say they ought to do something to quiet this disgruntled man down, and tail him into the bar.
The barkeep, having spent throughout the day tidying up after the stallion, sees the assistant, the cleric and the rabbi come into the bar, and quits cleaning crap long enough to say,
It is safe to say that this is some kind from a joke?
A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, What’ll it be?
The duck doesn’t respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say.
A man walks into doctor’s office with a duck attached to his head.
Oh my god! – exclaims the doctors in surprise – How did this happen?.
I’m not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot – replies the duck.
I hate autocorrect… It turns my writing into a total duckfest.
What do you call a water fowl looking in a window?
a Peking duck.
An old man is sitting on his front porch in Mississippi watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
Hey boy, whatcha got there? Roll of chicken wire.
What you gonna do with that?
Gonna catch some chickens.
You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Roll of duct tape.
What you gonna do with that?
Gonna catch me some ducks.
You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ”Hey boy, whatcha got there?
It’s a pussy willow.
Wait up…I’ll get my hat!
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a duck in the front seat.
What are you doing with that duck? He exclaimed, You should take it to the zoo.
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the duck again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.
The policeman pulls him over. I thought you were going to take that duck to the zoo!
The man replied, I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out the burning ducks.
A duck walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender says cash or credit ?
The ducks says put it on my bill .
For more funny duck jokes, check out the other articles in this series
