An airplane. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but do you know what two Wrights make?
An alien couple exited the spaceship and said, ”Hello, earthlings, we come in peace and we want you to tell us all about your planet.” They talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It sounded very similar to the way the aliens did it so, in the interest of intergalactic friendship and exploration, they decided to trade partners for the night. When the woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed. The alien looked down and said, ”Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.” And he hit his head twice and it grew to epic proportions. The woman had the greatest sex of her life. The next morning the man asked the woman, ”How was it?” The woman replied, ”Great! You?” The man said, ”It sucked. For some reason the alien woman kept hitting me on the head, screaming, ‘It’s broken! It’s broken!”’ A couple was walking down the street when an alien spaceship landed in front of them…
An Alien lands in the backyard of a man hosting a BBQ with some friends. The alien says, guys, I’m an alien. The host goes, That’s cool man, have a beer. The alien finishes his beer, and goes, guys, seriously. I’m a fucking alien!. The host looks at him, That’s cool, have another beer. The alien finishes his beer, and goes, Guys. Alien. I’m not from this planet. The host looks over to a friend of his and says, Make sure he doesn’t have anymore today. An Alien visits a BBQ
An American a Chinese and a Indian taking a long flight. This flight has no windows and they can’t see outside. There is a small hole where you can put your hand out. So first the American puts his hand out. Feels the air and says Guys we are now flying over United States and others ask how does he know. He replies In my country our skyscrapers are so high I can touch them Time passes and the Chinese guy puts his hand out and says Guys we are now flying over China and others ask how does he know. He replies In my country our industrial factories create so much smoke I can feel them Finally some time passes the Indian guy puts his hand out and immediately says Guys that’s it I’m positive we are now over India because his response was really fast the other two puzzled asked how does he know? He replies When I put my hand out I had a watch in my hand and its missing now An American a Chinese and an Indian take a flight
An American and a Canadian were seated next to a Macedonian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. Last night I made love to my wife four times, the American bragged, and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me. Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Canadian responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me how she could never love another man. When the Macedonian remained silent, the Canadian smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night? Once, he replied. Only once? the American arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning? Don’t stop. An American, a Canadian and a Macedonian…
An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are on a plane. The plane is going to crash unless they lose some excess weight. The Mexican man throws beans off the plane, he says, In my country, we have too many beans. Next, the Chinese man throws rice off the plane, he says, In my country, we have too much rice. Next, the American man throws the Mexican man off the plane, He says, That bastard slept with my wife. Non-Racist Joke
An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin, Germany. After accidentally taking a wrong turn when exiting runway, an angry air traffic controller yells, Nincompoop! Have you never been here before? To which the pilot calmly replies, I’ve was here twice in 1942 …but it was at night …and I did not land. Note: This is actually a true event. An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin…
An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane. The brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out! . The mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out! . The american proceeds to throw the mexican out of the plane. Why did you do that?! exclaimed the brit. The american turned around. He killed my wife. An american, a brit and a mexican are on a plane.
An American, a French and a Mexican are on a plane when suddenly the pilot speaks through the intercom. I have some bad news. We’ve lost all communication and navigation systems. We can’t land so you’re going to have to skydive out of this plane. The three guys start freaking out. How are we gonna know when to jump?! said the American guy. Then the French guy then sees the Eiffel Tower through the window. Well guys, this is my stop and he jumps out. Minutes later the American guy screams Look, the Statue Of Liberty! he takes the dive. By now, the Mexican guy starts to worry but then he gets an idea. He sticks his arm out the window for a couple minutes then pulls it back in. This is my stop The pilot looks at him confused, How can you tell? The Mexican stops at the door ready to jump and says My watch is gone and jumps. Three guys are on a plane
An American, a Mexican and a Chinese man are all sitting on a plane. The flight attendant says EMERGENCY! WE NEED TO DROP 200 POUNDS OFF THE PLANE OR WE WILL FALL Chinese man – Oh, I throw off rice, we have too much of this in our country! Mexican – No! I throw off cheese and beans, too much of these in our country! American – *The American shoves the Mexican off the plane* We have too much of these in our country! No, I am not racist, but if a joke is racist, but good, I will recite it. I heard this from a Garrys Mod user named Toytles while playing Life Punch’s jailbreak game mode. The plane is falling!
An American, an Arab and a French are in a plane. The American throws a bunch of hamburgers through the window and the others say: Why do you throw these hamburgers? Because I have too many in my country. The Arab throws gallons of oil through the window and the others say: Why do you throw all this oil? Because I have too much in my country. Then the French throws the Arab through the window. An American, an Arab and a French are in a plane.
An American, Iranian, and a Mexican are sitting in a plane when suddenly the captain says Ok everyone remain calm but the airplane is too heavy and we are going down, everybody needs to throw some items out of the plane. The Iranian throws out a soccer ball and says we have too many of these in my country The Mexican throws out some bread and says We have too many of these in my country The American picks up and throws out the Mexican and says We have too many of these in my country An American, Iranian, and a Mexican are sitting in a plane
An Asian, an American, and a Mexican are on a falling cargo plane. After realizing that they weren’t going to survive the fall, the Asian guy comes up with an idea. Since we’re going to die, why don’t we throw something off of the plane to represents where we’re from? They all agree, and meet in the cargo hold. The Asian throws over rice. We have a lot of that where I come from. The Mexican throws over beans. We have a lot of those where I come from. Then, the American guy pushes the Mexican out of the plane and says we have a lot of those where I come from. There’s three guys on a falling cargo plane…
An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the atheist. How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death? as he smiled smugly. OK, she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is? The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the little girl replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit? An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about? Oh, I don’t know, said the atheist. How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death? as he smiled smugly. OK, she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is? The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea. To which the little girl replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don’t know shit ? And then she went back to reading her book. [Source](http://smile.xonaki.com/Joke/EN?categoryCode=EN&jokeId=114#mainBody) Don’t Mess with Kids
An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: Would you like some headphones? The man replies: Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones? A man boards a plane.
An Aussie backpacker and his Mexican mate managed to hitch a ride on Air Force One. They were sitting with their packs beside a pile of parachutes sharing a taco and a vegemite sandwich when an explosion rocked the plane and it started going down. There was a mad rush as people started grabbing parachutes and jumping from the plane. I’m sorry, said the stewardess, you hitchhikers will have to be last. This seemed fair enough, so the hitchers waited until everyone else had jumped. Crickey, looks like we get the last two chutes mate said the Aussie. Just then the President came along. He was running late as he had been watching the drama unfold on Fox. Sorry, he said. But I am a great great man, one of the best men. I am the brains of America. The country can’t survive without me so I will need one of the chutes. And so saying, he strapped on a pack and leapt from the plane. What should we do now? the Mexican asked the Aussie. There are two of us and only one parachute. Don’t worry mate, don’t worry at all, said the Aussie. The brains of America just took my backpack. An Aussie and a Mexican Hitch a Ride on Air Force One
An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks What’s the matter?! Did you come here to die? The Australian man simply replies Nah mate, I came here yesterday! An Australian man decides to visit New York City…
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. You have been to France before, Monsieur? the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready. The British gentleman says, The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it. Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France! The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. ]Then he quietly explained: Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to. British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane…
An elderly couple John, and Janice go to the carnvail where John spots a helicopter ride. He runs over and says to his wife Janice I’ve always wanted to go on a helicopter ride and look its only ten dollars . Janice then says John why would we pay money to go on a ride ten dollars is ten dollars . They end up not riding and finish up walking around the carnival until they go home. A year later when the carnival comes back they go again and John sees the helicopter ride again and runs over to it. He says to Janice honey I’ve wanted to go on this helicopter ride for a while now can we just go ? Janice says to him John I’ll tell you the same I told you last year, ten dollars is ten dollars . This happens a few more years until the pilot is tired of them bickering about it and comes up with a solution. He says to John and Janice I’ll take you both up for free but the catch is, if anyone of you talk I’ll charge ten dollars . Satisfied with the compromise Janice agrees, so they go up and the pilot is trying every maneuver possible to try to get them to scream or talk, but without fail neither talk. When they land the pilot sees Janice is no longer in the helicopter and asks John what happened to Janice ? John then exclaims she fell out about 5 minutes into the ride . well why didn’t you say anything ? Asks the pilot. And without missing a beat John says well ten dollars is ten dollars . Old couple at the carnival
An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke: Now your third wish. What will it be? Third wish? The man was baffled. How can it be a third wish if I haven’t had a first and second wish? You’ve had two wishes already, the hag said, but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That’s why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. She cackled at the poor berk. So it is that you have one wish left. All right, said the man, I don’t believe this, but there’s no harm in wishing. I wish to know who I am. Funny, said the old woman as she granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish. From Planescape: Torment The Third Wish
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as she . One of the students raised their hand and asked What gender is a computer ? The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (My friend said this part) It gets better The other group says it should be male because 1 To get it to do anything you need to turn it on. 2 They are supposed to solve your problems but half the time the end up causing the problem. 3They have tons of information but can’t solve any problems on their own. 4 When you get one you realize if you waited a bit you could have gotten a better model. An teacher explains is explaining gender of spanish nouns. (Found online)
An exam in the millitary. An officer (O) asks a soldier (S) a tricky question: You are on a plane with four terrorists. One is right behind you – he has a knife. Another one on your left – he has a gun. Another one on your right – he has a rifle and the one in front of you has a bomb. What will you do? S: What kind of plane is it? O: Whats the difference. An IL-86 (normal passanger plane) S: How high are we? O: Whats the difference? S: I need it to answer O: Hmm 10 000 meters S: 10 000 meters? How fast are we flying? O: Meybe 900 kilometers an hour . S: So the question is: what would I do if I were on a IL-86, that is flying 10 000 meters over the ground at the speed of 900 kilometers an hour and there were four terrorists around me with a knife, a gun, a rifle and a bomb, right? O: Right! S: Well first of all, Id shit myself. An exam
An exoplanet. What celestial body do you give your sweetie on valentines day?
An hour into the flight, a loud explosion was heard and the plane shook, alarming all the other passengers. After a few minutes, the captain announced One of our engines has malfunctioned. However, we have three engines left but that would mean that our flight would be an hour longer. Thank you for your patience . Thirty minutes later, another boom was heard and captain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But we still have two engines left . An hour later yet another explosion was heard and the captain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left . One of the blondes couldn’t take it any more and told the other blonde Oh look honey, if we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day Two blondes were on a plane flying from London to New York
An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land. The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, I’ll bet the damn truck won’t be waiting for me either. SKY DIVING LESSONS
An illiterate father and his educated son who has a degree in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. A few hours later the father wakes his son and asks: look to the sky and tell me what do you see son? s: I see millions of stars. f: What does that tell you son? s: Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and planets in our solar system. f: he remains silent for a moment then says: NO JACKASS, someone stole our fucking tent! Can’t you see!? Smart son
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. No, replied the Irishman I’ve lost all me luggage! How’d that happen? The cork fell out! said the Irishman. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, Sir, have you been drinking? Just water, says the priest. The trooper says, Then why do I smell wine? The priest looks at the bottle and says, Good Lord! He’s done it again! Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad. Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well. Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, What a terrible pity one of the girls must be dying. Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. Come have a look over here, says Paddy, It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. That’s nothing, says Sean, here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. ! Just then, Seamus yells out, Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145! What was his name? asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, Miles, from Dublin. Drunk OleMulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but OleMulvihill just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear? She says, Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night. The priest says, Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests? She says, That he did, Father The priest says, What did he ask, Mary? She says, He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’ Happy St. Patrick’s Day! An Irishman walks into a bar…
An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He’s too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family. Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you here? She replies yes, my wonderful husband. I’m here, just like I swore I would be all those years ago at our wedding. I’m here. The old man smiles. David, my eldest son, my firstborn, my little *mensh*. Are you here? He replies yes Father, I’m here, right by your side. The old man smiles. Isaac, my brilliant son, my pride and joy, are you here? He replies yes Father, I got the first plane from New York and I’m here. The old man smiles. Elijah, my heroic youngest son, who fights for our freedom in the military, are you here? He replies yes Father, I got a leave of absence and I’m here. The old man smiles. Sarah, my beautiful daughter, the light of my life, my little angel, are you here? She replies yes *abba*, I’m here, we’re all here, right by your side. The old man nods. So who’s watching the store? An old Jewish man is on his deathbed…
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say What is that? say Who is that? That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say What is that? say Who is that? That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say Who is that? say What is that? That, my child, is eight pounds of gold! An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say What is that? say Who is that? That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don’t say What is that? say Who is that? That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say Who is that? say What is that? That, my child, is eight pounds of gold! What is that?
An old man is living by himself and asks his grandchildren to visit because he is close to Death. This old man lives in a different state, so they all have to take a plane to get to him. When they all arrive at his apartment, they can’t find their grandfather. They look this way and that way, but each room is empty. All of a sudden they hear a voice scream from the pantry, Get the hell away from me. All of them run to the pantry, slide the door open, and there is their grandpa. Turns out he had done too much acid, and literally thought Death was in his house. Silly old people. An old timer’s joke.
An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot ? He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: Are you a real pilot? He replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’ Are you a real pilot?
An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. The customs officer, after going through his luggage, pulled out an eight pound sold metal bust of Lenin. What is this? the customs officer demanded. What is this? What is this?! **Who** is this! This is Lenin, who dreamed of a better society for every Russian. Somewhere along the line, the old man said, wagging his finger at the young customs officer, we lost our way. Lenin did not fail. We failed *him*. And as I go into the exile in a far off land, I take this with me to remind me of the ideal I must strive for. Chagrined, the officer replaced the bust and sent the old man on his way. Sadly, the old man met with similar suspicion when he arrived in Tel Aviv. Again his luggage was searched. Again the bust was found. And again, he was questioned. What is this? the customs officer demanded. What is this? What is this?! **Who** is this! This is Lenin, the bastard who ruined our country and drove millions of us into desolation and exile. This is Lenin, whose grasp of human nature was only exceeded by his inability to find his own ass with both hands. This is Lenin, whose bust I will place in my new home in the toilet so that every morning, I can give him the treatment he so richly deserves! Chagrined, the officer replaced the bust and sent the old man on his way. The old man finally made it to the small community where his relations had settled. He had a joyful reunion with long lost cousins and met all those distant relations he had only before known through censored letters. And joy of joys, he met his dear great granddaughter, child of the sister who had died under Lenin’s rule so very long ago. The girl was delighted with her new relation and helped him as he unpacked. Grandpapa, she asked, pulling the bust from his suitcase. Who is this? Who is this? Who is this?! **What** is this! This, my dear child, is some lead paint and *eight pounds of solid gold*. Who is this?
an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn’t have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. a man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian your names? the man responds I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany Excellent. And what is your work? I manufacture vodka looks good sir, you may go Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. the guard stops them and asks Your names? I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany fine. profession? I manufacture Vodka looks good sir, you may pass The drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says what are your names? I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians. Occupation? No, just passing through an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany
An oldie, but a goodie: I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being behind the power curve . It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine. I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that edge so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid itit was that close. I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, Banzai! or maybe, Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum! as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in well I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren’t mine… I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to let the professionals handle it anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death…I’ll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves. Psycho Squirrel
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like. So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn’t shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers… The teacher interupts Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts. Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts! An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war…
An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son. Father : Look up to the sky and tell me what you see? Son : I see millions of stars. Father : And what does that tell you? Son : Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets. Father slaps the son hard and says, Idiot, someone has stolen our tent MORAL : Too much education can spoil or common sense. A father and son went on a camping trip
An unmanned aircraft. Stolen from [here](https://np.reddit.com/r/flying/comments/2mntbj/my_wifes_first_flight_as_captain/cm6ahb4) What do you call an aircraft piloted by an all female flight crew
and 2/11 are just plane stupid 9/11 jokes arent funny
And 9 out of 11 said they would fly a plane into a tower. Bunch of adrenaline junkies! I ran a survey for Muslims
and always wondered why planes get bigger and bigger as they get closer and closer. And than it hit me. I was in the world trade center
And an Israeli businessman sits between them. After the plane has taken off, he proceeds to take of his shoes. An hour later, he gets up to use the bathroom and asks if either of them want anything. One of the Arab men requests a Coke. When he leaves, the Arab picks up one shoe and spits a huge glob of phlegm in it. The Israeli returns with the Coke and gives it to the Arab. Later, the Israeli man gets up again and again asks if either of them need anything. The other Arab guy says he also wants a Coke. Soon after he leaves, the other Arab guy picks up the other shoe and spits in it as well. The Israeli then returns with the drink. When the plane lands, the Israeli slips on his shoes and immediately realizes what occurred. Angrily, he snaps at them how long do we have to be at each other’s throats doing bad things to each other? All this spitting in shoes and jizzing in drinks! Two Arab men are sitting on a plane…
and boy are my arms tired from furiously masturbating on the airplane I just flew into town…
And during the pre-flight check, he pulled out the emergency kit and opened it. Inside he found just a single deck of cards and nothing else. Turning to the old grizzled flying vet, he asks Hey bud, sorry to seem concerned but why does the emergency kit only contain a deck of cards? The vet laugh heartily at the question. He answers That’s all you’ll ever need here in the wild! Confused and growing concerned, the pilot asks Don’t….don’t we need a gun, matches, fire starter, bullets and water to survive? The vet looks at him as replies No man. If you ever crash, just pull out the deck of cards and start playing solitaire. Eventually someone will show up and tell you that you’re playing it wrong. A man was preparing for his first solo flight over the wilds of Alaska…..
And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn’t have $15, he should the hell out. The businessman gets out while being insulted and barely catches his plane by hitchhiking. A year later after earning back his lost income, the businessman goes back and wins big. When he’s about to go back to the airport, he sees the taxi driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck. So, he devises a revenge plan. The taxi driver is in the back of a long line of other taxis. The businessman goes in the front taxi and says, How much to get to the airport? The driver responds, $15. The businessman then asks, And how much for oral sex? The taxi driver yells, Get the hell out! The businessman asks the same questions and gets the same answers for all the taxis. When he finally gets to the last taxi with the driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck, he asks, How much for a ride to the airport? The driver responds, $15. That was all. So he pays and as they slowly drive past the other taxis on the way. The businessman looks out the window with a big smile and thumbs up. (From The Filthy Dirty Joke Book) [NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)…
and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning. Dubya’s reaction is pure shock and grief, he’s shaking and can’t control his emotions. Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, How many is a Brazilian? George W. Bush is sitting with his aides…
and he is really nervous about it. At his first jump, his instructor (Ed) is trying to calm him down. It’s really simple Bill. You jump out, count to ten, and pull the cord. Bill, sweating bullets responds what if that doesn’t open? Ed smiles and says that is why you have a reserve chute. Just pull it’s cord. That seemed to work, so Bill stands and goes to the door of the plane. Right before he jumps, he freezes and turns his head, and says but what if the reserve doesn’t open!?! Ed sighs, and says haven’t had a complaint yet! And pushes him out the door. Bill is taking a skydiving class…
and he lands it and exclaims in his pilot voice, All you fucking people that want to get off, get off. All you fucking people that want to get on, get on. The plane then takes off again, and is making some laps around the yard. Little Johnny then lands the plane next to the kitchen window, which happens to be open where his mother is washing dishes. Little Johnny quickly exclaims after landing, All you fucking people that want to get off, get off. All you fucking people that want to get on, get on. At this point his mother goes running outside screaming, Johnny, you need a timeout for your language. After a half an hour Johnny’s mother told Johnny he could go back out and play, but he needed to be nicer to his passengers. He agreed and went outside. Johnny picked up the plane, took off flying and landed a short distance later. In a nice voice Johnny told his passengers, All of you nice people that want to get off, get off. All of you nice people that want to get on, get on. If anyone wants to bitch about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen. Little Johnny is out flying his plane in the yard…
And he says ok, folks, the plain is going down. We need to get rid of weight and I already dumped the luggage. We will have to do this in an orderly fashion, so I have decided we will jump out of the plane in alphabetical order. Will all the African Americans jump out of the plane…next, will all the black people jump out of the plane… Near the back, a black guy is sitting next to a Mexican. While a few black people jump, this one stays seated. The Mexican asks, why are you not jumping? They called both black and African American! The black guy looks at the Mexican and says, nahh, man. Today, I’mma be a nigger. Let you Mexicans go first. When the pilot gets to the m’s, he calls for the Mexicans to jump, but the Mexican guy stays seated. The black guy says why are you not jumping? Aren’t you mexican? The Mexican smiles, and leans his seat back. Usually I am, se or, but today I’m a wetback. I’ll let the niggers jump first. On a fairly small plane, the pilot gets on the intercom (possibly [NSFW]?)
and he says, man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee. Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, Don’t forget the coffee! (Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot…
and I felt nauseous, so I said, ma’am, can you please bring me a vomit bag? She looks around for a second, and comes back, and says I’m sorry, we’re all out. But I’ll do my best to try and find one for you. She walks all around the plane, and comes back with a huge garbage bag. And I said, I hope you don’t mind, but I’d rather not put my face into my condom. So I was on an airplane and a hot flight attendant walks by…
And I’m sittin’ there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, We’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet, then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin’ blow job and a cup of coffee. So the stewardess fuckin’ goes bombin’ up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic’s still on, and this guy behind me goes, Hey hon, don’t forget the coffee! I was on this plane once.
and in the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson awake. He says Watson, look up, and tell me what you see. Watson says well, I see the stars, and that makes me think about our place in the universe. In the face of such cosmic vastness, aren’t we really just insignificant? And what of life on other planets? In all the universe, ours can surely not be the only planet to support living beings. Perhaps one day we shall be able to reach the stars and find out for ourselves. Why do you ask, Sherlock? What do you think of when you look up? Sherlock replies: somebody stole our tent . Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip…
And it’s their first day, time for assignments. The drill Sergeant asks the first one. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? I like to go sailing! he replied. OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS! The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. I like to fly… OK YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF OUR PLANES! The third friend came up and was once again asked what he liked to do. However, he had a stutter so all he could say was I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I … The drill sergeant looks at him and replies, OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF THE MACHINE GUNS! Three childhood friends sign up for the army
and landed in the desert. Miraculously, they both survived with minor injuries, so they sent off a signal flare and began rationing their emergency supplies. The food was eaten by the end of the first week, and the water lasted until the end of the second. But they continued weathering the hot days and cool nights, never for one second giving up hope. Almost three weeks passed, and they saw a caravan of jeeps over the horizon. They turned to each other, waiving excitedly. But one of the christian men corrects himself and a worried look rushed over his face. Oh crap , he said. These guys are probably muslim! His friend rolled his eyes. We’re in the middle east, Jim. You’re probably right. What’s your point? And Jim, in a huff, replied Well, I just think I should tell them I’m Muslim too. Because, well, you know how these people are. Don’t you, Ben? But before any reply could be made, the convoy of jeeps arrived at the wreckage. An older man wearing a traditional thawb and dark sunglasses stepped out of one of the jeeps and inspected the men standing before the remnants of the plane. My friends , he said in a heavy accent. We saw the flare and spent many nights searching the desert for you. The two Christian men nodded nervously between each other, then back to the man in the thawb. We will take you back to our city and make sure you are taken care of. But all I ask is that you identify yourself, so that we may greet you as friends. My name is Mohammad , said Jim. And I’m a Muslim. And the man in the thawb nodded solemnly, adjusting his glasses away from the desert sun. And my name is Ben , said Ben. And I’m Christian. And the man in the thawb again nodded solemly. Ben, my friend: you have been through so much hardship over these last three weeks. We shall take you back to our city, where we will give you all the food and water that you need! The man in the thawb then turned to Jim, again adjusting his sunglasses. And Mohammad, my Muslim brother: welcome to Rammadan! Two Christians crash an airplane in the middle east…
And named it astroboy, as a tribute to his inspiration. He started testing its flight features but suddenly, the boosters malfunctioned and astroboy started flying up to the sky and finally reached space. It wasn’t pressurized and astroboy exploded in outerspace. He’s astronot now. So an man created a robot…
And only the pilot, the co-pilot and a stewardess are not killed. They survive like they can, one day, two days, three days, then weeks pass, then one month… And the pilot says We need to find a fair way to have sex. How do we do that? They look at each other and finally the pilot says to the co-pilot It will be one day you, one day me . The stewardess agrees. And they go on with surviving, one day, two days, three days, then one week, two, weeks, then one month, two months, three months… And the stewardess dies. The pilot and the co-pilot look at each other in silence, when finally the pilot says Well, one day you, one day me… They both agree. And days pass, then weeks, then one month, two months, three months… At this point the two men barely look at each other, feeling bad and dirty… The co-pilot says I can’t go on like this anymore… and the pilots says Me neither… What about we burry her? *I’ve been told this joke in French, and translated it like I could. If somebody could come up with better wording, that would be great!* A plane crashes on a desert island
And realized yelling BEAR! At a campground is like yelling BOMB! On an airplane. (More of a shower thought, but I found it funny.) I went camping this weekend…
And she wish that my dick would fly off so that she would never have to give me another bj. Then I told her; If my dick had wings, your mouth would be an airport My gf sick of giving me blowjob..
And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there’s someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says Miss, I’m going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m headed to New York City. Confused and slightly taken aback, the flight attendant responds Miss, you *need* to vacate this seat. Once again, the blonde says, I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m headed to New York City! Just as the flight attendant is about to say something again, the blonde interjects, I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. And I’m headed to New York City. So the flight attendant speed walks to the cockpit and says, Captain, I need help. This blonde lady sitting in the front row has taken this gentleman’s seat, and she refuses to leave! Calmly, the captain stands and says, Don’t worry. I can handle this. My wife’s a blonde too. He walks over to the blonde and quickly whispers into her ear. She gets her luggage, and sprints to the back of the plane. Shocked and amazed, the flight attendant and gentleman ask, What did you even say! With a grin the captain replies, I told her that this part of the plane doesn’t go to New York City. So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC…
and tells the taxi driver, To the airport now! I’m late for my flight! The driver, now also in a state of worry, asks, What time was your flight? I was supposed to board 30 minutes ago! Hearing this, the driver sighs a relief and tells the man, There’s no way your flight waited for you. I recommend you give up. The man immediately yells back, You don’t understand, I’m the god damn pilot! A man gets into a taxi…
And testing it on the Imperial Military Training and Research facilities. But there was a problem with he calculations. He had no idea why, but the AT-AT was moving 10 MGLT faster than he calculated. He forgot to Carida one. Stuck? Explain: [General Dr. Maximilian Veers (Then Col. Veers) was a Star Wars character who invented the AT-AT. Carida is a planet home to some of the largest imperial training grounds and research facilities.](/spoiler) General Veers was developing the AT-AT
and the Captain was doing his usual spiel, We’re cruising at so and so feet, over the Pacific Ocean, yada yada . When he was finished, he turned to speak to his co-pilot, forgetting that he was still broadcasting to the entire plane, saying, You know what I could use right now? A cup of coffee and a good blowjob. Mortified, a stewardess ran toward the cockpit to inform him that the intercom was still on. Seeing her hurrying down the aisle, a passenger shouted, Don’t forget the coffee! Saw this in the movie Good Will Hunting, tried to remember how it went best I could 🙂 I was on an airplane
And the Dr says, i have bad news. You have cancer. The airport replies, oh no, what kind? Terminal. An Airport goes to the Dr…
And the flight attendant says to him, I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion. A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane
and the flight attendant says, I’m sorry, sir. You’re only allowed one carrion. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
And the muffin says, Dude, everything is energy man; it’s all energy swirling around. Good energy, and bad energy, and it all depends on what energy you tap into. It’s like the planets and electrons and stuff; everything is swirling. The dough replies, Dude, you’re baked. A muffin and dough and are having a conversation.
And the pilot says to the passengers they are free to take off their seatbelts and move about the cabin and how long the flight will be and to enjoy the flight. A moment of brief silence goes by and he says to the copilot I could really use a cup of coffee and a blow job not realizing he hasn’t turned off the speaker. Seconds later the flight attendant runs up the aisle towards the cockpit and a guy says hey lady you forgot the coffee A plane just took off….
and there’s a blind guy on the plane going up with him. The blind guy has a seeing eye dog with him and a really really long leash. As they’re going up the guy asks him, Why bring the dog with you? The blind guys says, He jumps first to let me know when to pull my chute. How does he do that? the man asked. The leash goes slack A guy goes skydiving…
And they all want to chip in to get a luxury suite on the 75th floor and they do so they have a great day at the convention and get back to the hotel and realize that the elevator is broken so they would have to walk up 75 flights of stairs so the one guy says OK I got an idea for the first 25 floors I’ll tell jokes since I’m good At telling jokes and since Jim is really good at singing he’ll be singing for the next 25 floors and Frank is great at telling scary stories he’ll tell them for the final 25 floors so they all agree to this idea so for the first 25 floors they were cracking jokes, for the next 25 floors Jim was singing and everyone was having a good time so it gets to Frank’s turn and he says for my first scary story I left the keys to the room in the fucking van Three guys go to a convention
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. Nationality? asks the immigration officer. German, she replies. Occupation? No, just here for a few days. classic germans
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell naughty stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France. The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. Young ladies, said the professor with a broad smile, the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon. Protesting dirty jokes
Apparently they are a new class of planet which are currently being nicknamed Your Grandmother . Headline: They are now discovering planets outside our solar system which are almost as large as your mother.
Apparently they deliver large plane’s Did you here about the French Alps pizza service?
Apparently they deliver large plane’s I was looking at a menu in a restaurant last night, and there was something called the Jeremy Clarkson special. I was wondering what it was, and then it hit me
Apparently, airport security didn’t like it when I called shotgun. I got arrested at an airport.
Apparently, they don’t like you calling ‘shotgun’ before boarding the plane. I was arrested last week at the airport.
Apparently, to be in the Mile High Club, the people you’re screwing over have to be on the plane with you. Did you hear Ryan Lochte is being stripped of his honors?
Appearently security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane. I got arrested at the airport last week.
Appearently security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane. I have a Knock Knock joke but you have to start it off.
Are flying in an air balloon. After 2 hours of flight they get disoriented and decide to land the balloon and ask some people around them. When they land a man comes up to them and says with a clear accent: That’s a fine balloon you got there, but I can see the fuel you used isn’t standard . After a few seconds Holmes said: Ok, Watson, everything is clear now, we’re in Soviet Russia . But how, Holmes? asks Watson. Elementary, Watson, you see, this fuel was made by a very close friend of mine, and only an expert could identify it on a first glance, that man has a clear russian accent, and only in Soviet Russia scientists are digging potatoes . Watson and Sherlock
Are on a flight, Einstein makes a bet with the man sitting next to him. I will give you 500 dollars if you can ask me a question I don’t know the answer to,however, if you cannot answer my question you must give me 5 bucks. The man thinks it about 5:500 seems like a good ratio so he says sure. Einstein asks what is the exact distance between Earth and the moon? The man replies I don’t know, so he hands over 5 dollars. It is then the Indian mans turn to ask Einstein a question. He asks what goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with three? Einstein thinks and thinks and finally hands over 500 dollars. He asks before my next question what does go up a hill with 4 leg and come down with 3? The Indian man gives Einstein another 5 dollars. An Indian man and Einstein
Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window we are in Dundee he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys we are in Dublin he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, we are in Liverpool he says, shocked the pilot answers Yes! Thats right, but how did you know? The English man replies because my watch has been stolen An English man, Irish man and Scottish man…
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says we need to save the children! The politician yells back SCREW THE CHILDREN! The priest looks at the politician and says Do we have time? A nun, a priest and a politician…
are traveling in a plane when suddenly one of the engines gives out. They agree they need to lighten the load in order to land safely. The Mexican takes out a taco and says, we have enough of these in our country and throws it overboard. The Asian takes a bag of rice and says we have enough of these in our country and throws it overboard. The white guy picks up the black guy and throws him overboard. A Mexican, Asian, black, and white guy
As a matter of fact, they are plane wrong. 9/11 jokes aren’t funny.
As a test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, What happened? The pilot replies, I don’t know, I just got here myself! At the airstrip
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control. Obama, always trying to be Presidential, replied: Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses. Obama travels to England to visit the Queen….
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . Woman’s last wish before she dies
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . As airplanes about to crash…
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! Make me feel Like a Woman
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . a female passenger jumps up as an airplane is about to crash…
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . An airplane is about to crash…
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . an airplane is to crash
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . As an airplane is about to crash…
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . Feel Like A Woman
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . Feeling like a woman.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! hahaha Be like a man
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . Mormonism
