Laugh Your Way through Your Flight with These Hilarious Jokes!

sniffer A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.’ The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’ He told Sniffer to ‘search’. Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. ‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’ ‘I like it!’ said his seat mate. The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’ The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’ Sniffer

So a blonde going on vacation, and a Boy Scout on his way to retreat with his father get on a small aircraft with the pilot who is an old and devout catholic. The pilot sees the Boy Scout is shouldering a large pack and takes it from him, laying it near the door. They all take their seats and get up in the air. Soon after, the plane’s engines stall, and the pilot announces they are going to crash. I only have two parachutes, the pilot says. But I’ve lived a long, righteous life, so I’ll go down with the plane and soon see my wife in heaven. The boy’s father looks at him. Billy, you’ve always been so compassionate and intelligent. You go on that retreat. I’ve lived a wonderful life and have already made greatest achievement, you. So young lady, you and Billy may take the parachutes. Yippee! The blonde says, and jumps out the exit. Now son, I know this is hard- Wait, dad. I just want to ask… You always wished you could buy me the world, right? Of course, son. And if I lost my backpack, you’d buy me a new one? Of course, son. Good. Here’s your parachute. That dumb bitch just stole my backpack. A blonde a Catholic and a Boy Scout

So a business man has finally come home from his most recent trip. This is the 50th trip this year and his wife is getting really annoyed. This particular time she is really chewing him out saying she doesn’t get laid enough and she has finally decided to divorce him and take half his things. The businessman pleads for his wife to stay,saying he will do anything for her. She asks him to make love to her right then and there but suddenly his phone rings. It’s his boss and he tells the businessman to get to the airport in an hour for a very important deal which he cannot refuse. The wife loses her shit and the business man knows he cant stay but he tells her he will make it up to her somehow. He gets in the car and starts to drive to the airport. On the way he is freaking out knowing his wife is going to do something crazy while he’s away. He stops at a red light and looks over to see a sex shop. A lightbulb goes off in his head and he parks and runs into the store. The little bell rings as he enters and he looks around. DVD’s, whips, chains, lube, latex suits, mask, dildo. The man is completely overwhelmed so he rings the bell at the counter. A woman walks out from the back and the businessman asks for the most expensive item they carry in the store and that the price is of no concern. The lady take a box out from under the counter, it is covered in dust which she blows off and she opens it. Inside is a piece of wood, whittled into the crude shape of a cock. The businessman looks at the item, perplexed and confused and asks WTH is it suppose to be and how much does it cost. The lady says it is the legendary voodoo dick and it will cost him over 5000$. The businessman becomes outraged and asks why that pathetic looking wooden dildo is 5000$ and the dildo under the counter with a lube dispenser, rotating head and twelve speeds costs only 200$ the lady tells him the powers of the voodoo dick are not to be underestimated and gives him a demonstration. She leans in and tells the voodoo dick to fuck the female customer by the dvd rack. The voodoo dick starts to float out of the box the flies full speed across the store, up the womans dress and starts to fuck her silly, knocking DVD’s all over the ground. She tells the voodoo dick to stop fucking the female customer and it flies back into the box and the lid magically closes. The business man slaps the money on the counter and buys it right away. He rushes home and gives his wife the gift and instructions then leaves for the airport, confident he just saved his marriage. For the first day the wife just looks at the box insulted her husband would get her a dildo. The second day she has some thoughts about using it but doesn’t and on the third day she is watching Dr.Phil and decides ‘fuckit’ then brings the box into the bedroom and gets on the bed and takes the voodoo dick out of the box. She tells the voodoo dick to fuck her and it flies right into her pussy and gives her five orgasms in a minute. She cant take it anymore and tells the voodoo dick to stop but it continues its rampage inside her vagina. She freaks out and tries to put her clothes back on but she falls all over the place, when she finally manages to do that she goes into the garage and tries to get into her car. Fumbling and dropping her keys a few times she gets in and drives as fast as she can to the hospital. She is swerving and speeding until she sees the cherries of a cop car in her rearview mirror. She pulls over and this state trooper looking cop comes up to her window and taps on the glass with his flashlight. She rolls down her window and the cop asks her why she was speeding and tells her she could’ve killed someone, he demands to know an explanation for all of the reckless driving and she tells him about the voodoo dick. The cop looks at her with a stern expression, takes off his glasses, looks her right in the eyes and goes Voodoo dick my ASS Voodoo Dick

So a couple from france came to america, only knowing a little bit of english. The lady tells her husband to try to learn english. He ends up at the airport and hears someone say the word takeoff! After there he found himself at the zoo where he heard someone talking about the zebras. Later he went back home, and the woman asks him, so what did you learn today? … takeoff, zebra! A man and a woman from france come to america…

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does. Well, says the beat up gnat, My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker’s mustache, and if holding on while he’s riding faster than everyone else, it’s the bar brawls that’ll nearly do you in. This is the first time I’ve gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move. The other gnat pats him on the back and exclaims, Well you’re in luck, because I know how you can upgrade big time. Do you see that airport over there? Go over there and slip underneath one of the flight attendant’s dresses and nestle in their pubic hair. It’s warm, it’s safe, if you aren’t itchy she won’t get rid of you, *and* you still get to see the world. Enlightened, the beat up gnat thanks him and flies straight over to the airport. One year later, the gnat goes on vacation to the same spot and sees the same gnat from before, beat up as like he was the first time. He flies over and asks him what happened. Well, the beat up gnat starts, I did just as you said, and by golly you were right. For the longest time I felt like I truly had a good home. Then one day, it was suddenly bright, I feel crushed, I heard lots of screaming, and the next thing I knew I was in some biker’s mustache. The tale of two gnats

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.   So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from?   And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.   So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese.   So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.   And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?   So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?   And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?   And the guy’s, like, World peace.   So the bartender is understandably ashamed.   And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.   And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further.   And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to.   But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.   And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from?   And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.   And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this?   And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.   So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.   And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.   And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.   And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible.   And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!   And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .   And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.   And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!   And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’!   And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing.   And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?   And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.   And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal.   And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey.   And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.   And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that.   And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down.   And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!   And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.   And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping.   And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.   And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless!   And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.   And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.   So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.   So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.   And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.   And the guy’s, like, Well done.   And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.   And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.   And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.   And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes.

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. -Simon Rich http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar A man walks into a bar…

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! 12 Inch Pianist

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. [Courtesy of Simon Rich at the New Yorker](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar?intcid=mod-most-popular) A man walks into a bar

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. From : www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar?src=mp Guy walks into a bar.

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. From: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar Guy Walks Into A Bar… [From The New Yorker]

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. Have you heard the one about the 12 inch pianist?

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. So a guy walks into a bar…

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. Edit: Credit – http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar So this guy walks into a bar…

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, Where’d he come from? And the bartender’s, like, There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes. So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy’s, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there’s this big cloud of smokeand then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing. And the bartender’s, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis? And the bartender’s, like, Yeah. Why, what did you wish for? And the guy’s, like, World peace. So the bartender is understandably ashamed. And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender. And the bartender’s, like, I feel like I should explain myself further. And the guy’s, like, You don’t have to. But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate. And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, Where do you think that comes from? And the bartender’s, like, I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow. And the guy’s, like, Have you ever seen anyone about this? And the bartender’s, like, Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface. So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life. And the bartender’s, like, Tell me more about that. And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey. And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident. And the bartender’s, like, That’s horrible. And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician! And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . . And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man. And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smokeand a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears! And the pianist is, like, I said old man,’ not old van’! And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, Your genie’s hard of hearing. And the bartender says, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist? And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me. And the bartender’s, like, No, it’s not like that. You know, trying to backpedal. And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, Once an accident, always an accident. And he drinks all of his whiskey. And the bartender’s, like, Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, Well, I didn’t mean that. And the bartender’s, like, Whoa, calm down. And the pianist is, like, Fuck you! And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you! And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms. And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him. And he starts weeping. And the bartender’s, like, No, you’re not. You’re better than he was. And the pianist is, like, That’s not true. I’m worthless! And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are. And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips. So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie. So the guy’s, like, Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed. And the genie’s, like, Who says they’re broken? And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other. And the guy’s, like, Well done. And then the genie says, That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend. And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment. And the genie’s, like, I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far. And the guy’s, like, Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me. The twelve inch pianist

So a man is at work. He has a good and stable job but hates it very much. One day while he is at work a voice comes to him and says, sell your house take all of your money and go to vegas . He shrugs the voice off and keeps working. The next day he goes to work and the voice comes to him again saying, sell your house take all of your money and go to vegas. And again he doesn’t listen. The third day when the voice comes back he finally breaks down and goes through with it. He sells his house and explains to his family that he has to go see about something (and they respond somewhat akin to how the wife reacts to dude building a baseball field in field of dreams). Anyway he buys a plane ticket and takes all of his money to vegas. He gets off the plain and the voice immediately comes to him saying, go to Harrah’s Casino . He does so and as he walks through the door the voice says, Cash all of your money into Chips . At this point it is undeniable what the voice has in mind. But he has come this far so he does it. $600 grand now he has in a bag and he waits for the voices next command. Eventually the voice says go to the third roulette table from the left . And when he gets there the voice says, Place all of your money on number 17. He hesitates but does so. His hands are sweating and knees are trembling and the ball begins to spin around and around. Everyone nearby in the casino comes to watch this spectacle. The ball slowly comes to a stop on number 21 and the voice says, Fuck. edit: plain to plane My Favorite Joke, The Voice.

So a plane crashes in the sea and three survivors make it to an island. There’s an American, Chinese and Dutch guy. Of course the American wants to take the lead and says to the Dutch guy; ‘you take care of the shelter’ and to the Chinese guy: ‘you take care of the supplies’ and I will get the firewood. So after a while the American and Dutch are back, but the Chinese guy is nowhere around. So the American asks: ‘where’s the fucking Chinese guy?’ Suddenly he jumps up from the bushes and screams: SUPPLISE!!! Planecrash

So a young man joins the army, it was his life plan since he was little because his grandfather and father before him both served. He felt like it was his duty to carry on the family tradition. So after he joins he goes through all his basic training and testing. A few months later he is being deployed, unfortunately the day he is to ship out he sleeps in. Not much mind you but just enough to make him last in line to receive his fire arm. When he finally gets to the front of the line the quarter master informs him there are no guns left. He starts freaking out how am i supposed to go into battle with out a rifle? the gentleman on the other side of the desk blinks at him slowly.. Well… I could give you this. He holds up a stick that is mildly shaped like a gun What the hell am I supposed to do with a stick!! I signed up to defend my country not wave sticks at bad guys!! No, I promise you that this will be just as good! Just point this stick at your enemy and shout BANG BANG BANG! The young private argues that this will not work, and that he is not an idiot and will not except this. But after arguing for a long time he finally gives in and takes his stick. But after arguing for so long about this stick he ends up being last in line to get his bayonet. This time when he gets to the front of the line, trusty stick in hand. The man tells him that they are out of bayonets, and again he freaks out a little telling this guy that he already has a stick for a rifle and he would not leave with out the bayonet. The man looks at him for a moment and the searches around in the back for a moment and returns with a swiss army knife. Sorry kid this is the best I can do. Just tape it to the end of your stick and if someone gets to close just thrust is forward and yell STAB STAB STAB. I promise you it will work! Again he argues that this is ridiculous. But they are being called to the plane, so he takes his little knife and leaves, feeling very certain that he will not return home. Finally a few days latter him and his platoon are sent to defend a ridge against the enemy. He stands with his fellow soldiers awaiting what he was sure is certain death. Finally he sees the enemy break the horizon and as they start to get with in what would be rifle range he shoulders his stick and takes aim. BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!! He yells over and over. To his surprise it was working everyone that he yelled at fell to the ground dead. It was a miracle, he continued firing his weapon, until finally they were with in range of his bayonet. STAB!!! STAB!!! STAB!!! He yells thrusting his stick forward with out mercy. Still men fell before him, he was astounded. Out of the corner of his eye he sees one man coming towards him and he turns and takes aim BANG!! BANG!! BANG!!! The man doesn’t fall… He starts to get scared… maybe it was all in his head.. a fluke! STAB!! STAB!!! STAABBBB!!!! The approaching soldier still doesn’t fall! The last thing our young soldier hears as he is run over by the enemy soldier is… TANK!!! TANK!!! TANK!!! TAN…. So a young man joins the army..

So Dave is looking for a new job and he gets an interview at a big corporation with the CEO. During the interview the normal questions are asked like what qualifications he has, his flaws, etc… Then the CEO asks Dave, Give me one solid reason why I should hire you. to which Dave replies, I literally know everybody. The CEO looking confused says, What do you mean literally everybody? Dave explains to the CEO that he literally knows everybody and encourages the CEO to name any one person and he promises he knows them. I bet you dont know Tom Cruise , says the CEO Tom!? Oh hell yeah! We took a few acting classes together back in college, great guy. Bullshit! the CEO replies, Im getting us flight right know and we are going to go visit him. So Dave and the CEO get on a plane and head out west to find Tom Cruise’s home. After some searching they find it and go to knock on the door. To the CEO’s surprise Tom answers the door and the first thing out of his mouth is, DAVE! Oh man, I havent seen you in ages, come on in and share a drink with me! After a few hours of shooting the shit and pounding some brews the CEO and Dave decide its time to leave. On the way to the airport the CEO tells Dave, Ok, so im still not convinced, I mean, small world right? You couldnt possibly know Tom Cruise AND the president! Dave smirks and says, Would you like to go find out? The CEO immediately buys plane tickets to go to D.C. to see if Dave is full of shit or not. The two manage to get on a tour of the White House when out of no where the CEO hears somebody yelling, Dave! Hey! Dave! So good to see you! Ive got a lot of meetings today but lets get a cup of coffee real quick! The CEO turns around to find that the president is the one yelling at Dave. Stunned and almost convinced that Dave literally knows everybody, the CEO says, Ok, mister, Tom Cruise and the president, thats impressive, but I highly doubt you know the Pope! Dave then recalls stories of his parents growing up in a small town with the Pope. The CEO ready to finally call Dave out fronts the bill for tickets to the Vatican to try and meet the Pope. As they stand in the crowd of thousands and thousands of people waiting to be blessed by the Pope, Dave tells the CEO, Im going to try to get us a better view. Dave makes his way past a few guards and up some stairs and the next thing you know he’s walking out next to the Pope. Dave returns to find the CEO is having a heart attack. Dave asks what happened and the CEO replies, I was blown away by the fact you knew the Pope but what really got me was the guy behind me who said, ‘Hey! Who is that asshole with Dave?’ Did you hear the one about Dave? [longer joke but one of my favorites]

So during World War 2 it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrls at the base of trees, and place the frozen squirrl between their thighs to warm it up; The squirls would be so gratefull for the rescue, they would scurry off and find some of it’s little squirly stashed food, and share it with the rescuer. A news reporter recently interviewd surviving veterans, and one told his story. We were flying back home, when the plane was shot down out of the sky. There were others that survived the crash but not for long. I heard the enemy approching so I took off runnig for my life. I didnt know where I was for 3 months befor rescue. I didnt have any food and wasnt prepared. But what kept me alive was the briefing that the Senior Officer gave when we had first arrived. I looked under at least 100 trees. Befor I found my first squirl. He ran off after I unfroze him and I didnt think I would see him again. After the first one I knew what to look for though and unfroze about 6-7 more. By the end of the week I was eating like a king, with 16 tiny hands bringing me berries and little sweet shrubs. Now don’t get me wrong I never want to do that again, but those furry little angels kept me alive during a harsh German winter. Furry little angels he called them, and why not he still lives even at 93, but not everyone was so happy with this information. George of New Mexico states The only thing those damn rodents gave me was frozen nuts. Bombs & Berries

So Earth’s getting ready to go on a date with this new, hot comet called XHB88. She’s looking in the mirror, and screams when she sees shit burning and exploding. Holy shit, what’s this?! MOM!!! Venus comes and takes a look, all hot and unstable… Well, I don’t know what this is young lady, but it sure isn’t going to heal itself! Go ask your father what to do. Earth comes to Mars… Mars is all red and pissed off. – Dad, take a look at this and tell me what it is. WELL FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, YOU DUMB LITTLE BITCH! YOU GOT’S CIVILIZATION. – Is…Is that something….fatal? HELL TO THE GODDAMN YES IT IS. DID YOU GET POUNDED BY THEM BLACK CARBON ASTEROIDS? Earth quakes a bit. YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU, YOU LITTLE HUSSY! NOW LOOK WHAT THAT SHIT GAVE YOU Earth starts to cry and all of a sudden, humans start spreading. All other planets get infected. The asteroid XHB88 comes over and sees all this and says: Wellp, it’s good to be in the old neighborhood again. Universe joke

So here’s the latest Game of Thrones rumor I’ve heard. Evidently, book readers know this. Appearances to the contrary, Jon Snow is not dead, he’s just warged into his other faithful companion. Not the wolf, but instead his large, flightless bird. That’s right: his Dire Rhea… A theory about Jon Snow… (x-posted asoiaf; possible spoilers!)

So Hillary tells the students, Today we are going to talk about the difference between a tragedy, a great loss, and an accident. Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy? A little boy raises his hand and says, If a kid runs out on the street after a ball and gets hit by a car? Donald goes, No, that would be an accident, can anyone else try? A little girl raises her hand and says, If a busload of kids drove off a cliff? And this time Hillary goes, No, that would be a great loss. Anybody else want to try? So a boy sitting in the back raises his hand and says, If you and Donald Trump were on a plane and it blew up. Donald goes, Very good, but can you tell me why it would be a tragedy? The boy replies, Well, it wouldn’t have been an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn’t have been a great loss Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton set aside their differences to talk to a group of third graders…

so i got on a plane. I was feeling under the weather…

So I hate the Teletubbies. It’s one of the most mindless children’s shows I’ve ever seen. I sometimes had to watch it because my ex’s nephew loved the show and when we baby sat him that’s all he wanted to watch. To me all it is, is a bunch of weird looking giant different colored babies dancing around on an acid trip, with dumb shapes on their heads. How is this informative? I say we do Teletubbies: History of World War II and give a little history lesson right? The show opens with the first Teletubbie walkin out. He’s Japan. And he’s yellow. And he’s dancin. And on top of his head is a little airplane flying downward. The next Teletubbie walks out and he’s Russia, so he’s red. And on top of his head is a little sickle and hammer. Now the third Teletubbie comes out dancing and he’s Germany. We’ll just make him green. And on top of his head is a little statue of himself with a tiny mustache pointing somewhere. Now the fourth Teletubbie walks out and he’s blue. He’s Great Britain. He has a little tea cup on his head. The fifth Teletubbie comes out and he’s just brown. He sits in the corner and smokes a cigarette and does nothing. After all the Teletubbies are done dancing he says how much he danced and all the other Teletubbies call him out on his bullshit. He’s France. At the end of the show while all the other Teletubbies are dancing a red, white, and blue Teletubbie rushes on to stage with a mushroom cloud on his head. He flips off the yellow Teletubbie. Spins around and it says Game Over. We win. on his ass. I don’t mean this to be offensive to any country or it’s history. Just something I loosely came up with as a skit. X-Post from /r/Standup: If I ever got on stage I’d give my version of the Teletubbies… Here’s my skit on the Teletubbies.

So I heard this joke a couple of years ago, I think it’s much older than that though. Read it out loud in a very bad, thick Italian accent. So, Vincenzo, my cousin in America invites me to stay with him, so I say, ‘Okay, I’va never been to America, I’ma come over. I get offa da plane and I’ma hungry. I go down to a breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bring me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two pisses. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna va bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she calla me a sonna va bitch! Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress she bring me a spoon and knife but no fock, I tell her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock onna table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna va bitch. I not even know this woman, and she call me a sonna va bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there isa no shit onna ma bed. I call the manager and I tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna va bitch. I finally run into Vincenzo and he say, Peace on you . I say Piss onna you too, you sonna va bitch. I gonna back to Italy Must be told in a horrible, thick Italian accent

So I once decided to take part in the very strict selection procedure of the Belgian Air Force to become an fighter pilot. On the medical tests, we had to line up in small groups in our underwear in order to get our blood pressure measured by a nurse and this every half hour. I was only 19 at the time and was it because of hormones rushing through my blood or just because I was nervous, I don’t know. But there it happened. I got an erection in front of the good looking nurse of around 40. I could sink into the ground out of shame and she clearly saw I was embarrassed and tried to ease me down with the kind words Hey, don’t worry about it, you can’t help it. It is only nature. At this point I told her Yeah, I know, but could you please turn that picture of the F-16 on the wall? Getting an erection on a medical screening for the Belgian Air Force.

So i was on this flight once, and the pilot was on the intercom giving us the detail of our flight: the elevation and such. Then he set it down, but he forgot to turn it off, and was heard over the intercom telling the co-pilot What i really need right now is a blowjob and coffee. One of the stewardesses came rushing down the aisle to go tell the pilot that his mic was still on. Then some guy a few seats behind me shouted Don’t forget the coffee hon! Best flight ever

So kids from jewish school won a competition and the 1st prize was a trip to Auswitchz for an excursion. From the airport they had to go by bus there. It wasn’t long way and everyone was pretty excited but half-way there the bus broke down. The driver knowing the generosity of the Polish people tried to knock on the door of the first house. An older men leaning on a crutch opened a door. Co się stało? asked the old men. Driver explained their situation. Old men just schratched his chin deeply thinking. Then he said Przepraszam, ale mam mały piec Jew kids on trip

So last year when I was taking AP US History we got to talking about the Cold War and the Berlin Airlift, which, if you didn’t know, was when American/Allied forces dropped supplies into and evacuated East Berlin, which was under Soviet control. Now, it’s worth noting that my teacher encouraged students to make puns off of the content, and actually had competitions between the class periods on who could get the most puns. Now as she was lecturing one kid, we will call him John (not his actual name), who was somewhat quiet and very smart raised his hand. He asked So, was there like a set schedule for when food and stuff was delivered to everyone, or did the planes just drop stuff at random times and yell SUPPLIES!!!! A joke/story about the Berlin Airlift

So my brother and our friend were eating breakfast talking about how his boss scheduled him overnight for a whole week when his boss had in fact said only one day. I was trying to think of something catchy to say and realized days are longer on other planets so I looked them up and told him to tell his boss I thought you said a day of overnight here, not a day on Pluto (6.39 Earth Days). They then asked Where did you find that information? I said, Right here on my phone…funny though because a day on Venus is 243 Earth days. No wonder why it takes women forever to do or get over anything. Came up with this one one time while eating breakfast.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it’s in an area with very few african americans. So it’s weird to see that many, like 20 in one place. Anyway, My cousin was really struggling with several key things in flight, and so he asks the best in the class, who happens to be black, if he will offer his help. They both practice together for a couple of days until my cousin finally gets the whole thing down. Eventually the test day roles around and he is really nervous, so with the test, he asks the instructor if his black friend helping him could lend moral support by flying at the same time. The instructor agrees, and they take the test. So in the end, my cousin lands the plane at the same time as the black man, and they both run and high-five each other. The instructor informs my cousin that he got top marks. He had passed with flying colors. A joke about black aviation.

So my Dad is watching my Uncles Dog – Dolly. I think my Mom is out of town so he has a lot of time to himself to write updates about the dog watching… He wrote this update for my uncle and aunt: Susan and Larry, Just a quick note to say Dolly and Kent are having a good time. We’ve really enjoyed these last few days and have really bonded. We found out we both like snacks and drinks after a hard day, watching old UFC fights and staying up late watching animal planet. Dolly really likes the animal ghost stories, but Kent doesn’t think she really believes all of them. Our favorite game is called Where’s Larry? Kent goes first. He asks Dolly Where’s Larry? Where’s Larry? , Dolly will just look at Kent, like he’s speaking French or something. But, when Kent says’s Where’s Susan? Where’s Susan? Dolly will tilt her head and then run over to the door where you last went out. She stares at the door for a few seconds and then turns back to look at Kent, with a slightly annoyed and somewhat sad expression. Like she’s thinking, I won’t fall for that one again , but she does. We also have invented a few other games, Like Where’s the giant cat hiding? , Who cut the cheese? Find your Food and Who’s in charge? But our favorite is still Where’s Larry? We have learned that Kent needs to remind Dolly, that after she goes number two, it is not ok to use the new bedroom carpet to clean one’s self. Kent asks himself what Mark would do? But then, Kent gives Dolly some more water, and Kent has another Jack and coke until he passes out. Dolly is also learning personal boundaries, like, don’t always follow Kent into the bathroom and when the door is closed, she doesn’t always have to sit at rapt attention waiting at the door. Kent can tell, that Dolly thinks Kent may disappear, like you guys did and not come back. Kent shows photos of both of you to Dolly, so she won’t forget what you look like, except she still confuses Larry’s photo with pictures of other relative’s and magazine photos. One time , when I said, Find Larry’? she put her paw on a photo of Dick Cheney. Kent believes Dolly just has a strange sense of humor, or is just messing with him. We are both collaborating on writing a script for a movie, called The last Lhasa Apso that didn’t listen it’s going pretty well, except now, Dolly doesn’t like the title . Well, we have to run. No, literally we have to run, Kent tried to tell Dolly, not to mix milk bones with mix nuts, but again, she wouldn’t listen. Sincerely, Dolly and Kent. My Dad Is Dog Watching My Uncles Dog For The Week…

So my girlfriend was going away for a couple months so she gave me some scented candles and said light these when you are thinking of me. So every time I would jack off I would light a candle. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t do what I do without lighting one of the candles. Anyway the other day I went to the bathroom, lit a candle and started thinking of my girlfriend. Then the fire alarm went off and the flight attendant started banging on the door yeling Sir you can’t smoke in there! and I replied I’m not smoking, I’m jacking off! Well thats how I got kicked off the airplane, because at that time we were still on the tarmac. I can no longer fly British Airways. My girlfriend gave me some scented candles

So my girlfriend was going away for a couple months so she gave me some scented candles and said light these when you are thinking of me. So every time I would jack off I would light a candle. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t do what I do without lighting one of the candles. Anyway the other day I went to the bathroom, lit a candle and started thinking of my girlfriend. Then the fire alarm went off and the flight attendant started banging on the door yeling Sir you can’t smoke in there! To which I replied I’m not smoking, I’m jacking off! Well thats how I got kicked off the airplane, because at that time we were still on the tarmac. I can no longer fly British Airways. So my girlfriend gave me some scented candles

so Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are in airforce one, Obama turns around and says I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window and make someone very happy . Michelle Obama turns and says I could throw 10 $10,000 bills out the window and make 10 people really happy . Oprah said Ill beat both of you, I can throw 100 $10,000 bills out the window and make 100 people really happy . Then the pilot turns to them and says Yeah but i could crash this plane and make 200 million people REALLY happy! Best Obama joke Ive heard in a while

So on the island of Newfoundland there was once a tourist, who had come from the United States. He had come a very long way to see the beautiful views and wildlife of the island. He rented himself a car at the airport and set off to see the sights. But just as he started down the airport road, he heard a thump from under his rental cars tire. Thinking he may have rented a lemon, he pulled to the shoulder of the road an got out to check the car. With utter dismay he realized he had struck a poor defenseless bunny rabbit, that had been trying to cross the road. The Tourist was a devote vegan and was torrmented to tears at the sight, of the poor creatures limp body laying behind his car on the road. Carefully he picked up the body an carried it gently to the shoulder of the road. As the tourist was doing this, a local fisherman, who was off to pick up his brother in law from the airport. Cause his brother in law, Herald, was back on his turn around from Alberta. Well the fisherman saw the strange sight of the vegan tourist cradling the body of the critter in his arms crying on the side of the road. Being aweful currious an knowing Herald was likely drunk looking for his luggage still, the fisherman pulled over to investigate the situation. Whats going on witth ya there skip? Said the fisherman As he emerged from his beat up f150 he had parked on the other side of the road. Still crying profusely the Vegan looked up at the Fisherman with water filled eyes, still cradling the body of the rabbit in his arms. Unable to speak from the shock an utter devastation he was going through after the event. Finally he was able to form the words he dreaded to admit to himself. I …I.. I hit this poor rabbit with my car He then began to loudly wail in anguished mournfull regret. Calm down now skipper, no need bawling your eyes out. The fisherman said sternly. Kneeling down he touched the rabbit with his large battered weather worn hands. Thats no a rabbit, here we calls em Hares The vegan looked up at the wrinkled hairy face of the fisherman, tears barely held in, he sucked back a sob. What? He mumbled, confused by the fisherman’s choice of topic. Hold on, I gets something out of the truck, fix em right up. With that the fisherman quickly ran to the rear door of his truck, and began rummaging through the large pile of seemingly useless things he stored there. Within moments he returned, shaking a spray can, back and forth in his hands. What is that? Asked the vegan tourist, his sadness turning slowly to curiosity. Just put em down I shows ya replied the fishman. The Tourist being completely enthralled with what the old fisherman could have in mind, obliged and placed the small Rabbit on the ground and stepped back. The old fisherman, knelt down an sprayed some of the contents of the can he had retrieved from his beaten up pickup truck, on the limp body of the rabbit. To the complete amazement of the vegan tourist, the small Rabbit jumped to it’s feet! It looked up at the two men an raised its front paw, shaking it in their direction. It then hopped it’s way across the road as the tourist looked in a stupor of disbelief. However just as it reached the shoulder of the road on the other side, it collapsed in a heap. The tourist roared in dismay! Oh god! No! The poor rabbit! What’s going on? What’s in that can!? What just happened? The fisherman paid him no mind, he walked across the road, looking over his shoulder at the vegan he began to coat the rabbit in spray, soaking it into the fur. we call them hares here skip, not rabbits. Must not of used enough I spose? The tourist’s eyes rolled in complete confusion at the statement from the old fisherman. But before he could say anything the rabbit jumped back to it’s feet! It shook it’s front paw again once at the fisherman a second time directly at the vegan tourist. Then it dove into the long grass by the road side, running up over the hill, it stopped at the very crest of the hill and turned to view them. Raising both it’s front paws it shook them in the direction of the men then disappeared over the hill out of sight. The old fisherman just smirked, and began to walk back towards his truck. The tourist flabbergasted rushed to the window of the truck demanding answers. Sir! I must know! What is in that spray can? How did it bring the rabbit back to life? The old fisherman just smiled at him We call them hares here skip, an take a look for yourself. Handing the spray can to the tourist And ya gotta read the fine print on er. *hair spray – Guaranteed to bring your hair back to life, with a permanent wave The Rabbit Joke

So some remains of the Air Asia Airline were found in the Java sea. Guess the pilot didnt C#. Air Asia Accident – java reference

So the German, Englishman, Frenchman, and American are on a plane. So they are sitting there and all of a sudden the pilot comes back and says Someone is going to have to jump off the plane because the plane weighs too much and we won’t make it. So the German gets up and walks over to the door and says something in German that amounts to GERMANY FOREVER!!! and jumps out of the plane. So the pilot goes back to the cockpit and comes back a little while later and says Someone else is gonna have to jump off or we won’t make it. So the Englishman gets up and walks over to the door and says LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!!! and jumps out of the plane. The pilot goes back up to the front and comes back a little while later and says We still won’t make it so someone else is going to have to jump. So the American gets up walks over to the door and says GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! and throws the French guy out of the plane. The German, Englishman, Frenchmen, and American on the plane.

So the pilot comes over the speaker and says ‘Unfortunately the plane won’t be able to handle all of the passengers without crashing. We will have to start removing passengers from the plane giving them parachutes and pushing them out until we reach our ideal flying weight. We will choose people alphabetically by their ethnicity. We’ll start with Africans!’ A small dark skinned boy pulls on his dad’s sleeve and says ‘Isn’t that us?’ and the dad replied ”shhh not now’ ‘Next up: Blacks!’ Again the boy asks if they’re going now and also again the father disregards the sons inquiry ‘Any Colored People are next!’ Very impatient the boy bugs his dad for an answer as to why they haven’t gone yet. His dad’s response was: ‘Well son, today and only today, we’re ni**ers!’ One engine on a plane is failing…

So the planets started a revolution. When our solar system was formed, the Sun was in charge…

So the Pope arrives in LA for a cross-country tour, and the driver picks him up at the airport. After a few days together and a few stops, the driver and the pope start to get along. One morning, the pope sleeps through his alarms, and they’re 30 minutes late getting on the road to the next stop. The pope is a bit frantic, telling the driver to go faster, but eventually, the driver explains that if he goes any faster, he might lose his license. Fine, then I’ll drive! What’re they gonna do, arrest me? So they trade spots, the pope taking the wheel and the driver getting into the back of the limo. 120 miles an hour down the road, and they get pulled over. The cop strolls up to the car, taps on the window, and the pope rolls it down, license and registration in hand. The cop sees who it is, apologizes profusely, and sends them on their way. The next day, the cop’s out drinking with friends, and says so guess who I pulled over the other day? I don’t know, a politician? Celebrity? Who? Actually, I don’t know either. It was a big limo though, and he had the fucking POPE driving him! The Pope’s cross-country tour

So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end, so he decided to travel the world doing services and meeting cardinals and bishops around the globe. Despite all this travel, he, of course, never drives. He always has a different chauffeur to take him wherever he is going who always meet him at the airport and take him wherever he wants to go. The Pope misses driving, so one day he asks his driver, Do you mind if I drive, just this once? I haven’t driven ever since becoming pope. Now, the chauffeur was a very pious man and didn’t want to offend the Pope, but doesn’t want to get in trouble with his boss. Eventually he decides that that it was a quick drive and that no one would know, so he agrees. They both get in the car with the Pope in the driver’s seat, but as soon as the car got out of the parking lot, the Pope started speeding, cutting people off, running red lights and stop signs, just driving terribly in general. The chauffeur is panicking. He would lose his job, surely. And yet, he doesn’t say a thing, being too afraid to offend the Pope. Sure enough, they get pulled over. As the cop walks up to the car, the chauffeur nearly faints. However, he takes one look in the window and turns right around and phones base. Sir, I’ve got a problem here. I’ve just pulled someone ever that is very important. I don’t think I can book him. The chief responds, Too important? Impossible. Who is it, some celebrity? More important sir. The mayor, then. Even more important. Governor? More important, sir. The president? Even more important. The chief was stumped. Well, who could it be? Sir, I think it’s god. What? Why could you possibly think that? Well, sir, his chauffeur is the Pope. So the Pope has gotten bored staying in the vatican for years on end

So the pope is visiting the U.S. and is in New York City. He gets picked up from the airport and starts getting a tour of the city. He talks to the driver and they hit it off really well and are laughing like friends soon. The Pope says to the driver, I haven’t driven a car in years! Would you mind if I drive for a bit? The driver agrees and the pull over and switch places. As the Pope is driving around, he goes a little too fast and gets pulled over. The cop goes to the window and says, Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? The Pope responds, No, my child. The cop panics and goes back to his car to call the chief and ask him what to do. Chief! I pulled over someone really important! he says. The chief responds, Who is it? A movie star or musician? No, he says, It’s not. Is it an athlete? A baseball or football player? No, it’s not. Oh so it’s a politician? No, sir. It’s…well actually I don’t know who it is, but the Pope’s his driver! The Pope visits America

So the teacher asks little Charlie if he can tell the class a story about morale. Little Charlie starts telling a story about he’s uncle Jhonny when he was back in Vietnam and his plane got shot down. All Jhonny could bag on him was a case of beer and a parachute. On the way down he noticed he was heading straight into an enemy camp, while drinking the case of beer. When finally on ground he chews up half a beer bottle and stabs the first enemy in the neck, he then launches at 3 people pounding them all to death with his bare hands. Grabs a small knife before 5 people surrounds him. Kills off all 5 people with multiple stab wounds without breaking a sweat and eventually eliminates the whole camp single handedly. A bit in shock the teacher asks little Charlie what the Morale of that story was. – Dont fuck with my uncle Jhonny when he’s wasted. A Story about Morale.

So there is a farmer who owns many livestock, and also a singing horse. Little does he know, there are more musical talents on his farm. One day, the horse walks past one of the cows, singing, and the cow interrupts him and says; hey horse, you know I can play the drums! The horse looks at him questionably and says Oh really? Play something. . So the cow leads the horse to some empty barrels and sure enough starts playing. The horse responds; Hey, you’re pretty good, we should start a band! The cow agreed but said that they would need someone who could play the guitar. So the cow and the horse wander the farm all day searching for a musical companion to form a band, unfortunately, their search is fruitless. The next morning, the farmer drives back to the farm in his truck, bringing with him a lamb and a sheep. The horse and cow rush to them. They confront the sheep and ask him if he has any musical talent. The sheep tells them he can play the guitar, the cow and horse are elated however they need proof of this. They tell the sheep that the farmer has a guitar in his house and the next day the sheep obtains the guitar and amazes the cow and horse. Whenever they can, the trio play their beautiful music. One day, the farmer comes back to the farm after going to the market, but the animal band doesn’t hear him come back, the farmer hears the music and highly intrigued, runs onto the field to see what is going on. He cannot believe his eyes and ears, he tells the animal band that need to play for more people, an actual audience. The farmer contacts a band manager and sets everything up. The band manager gets them into local news and soon transports the musical trio to the city where they play and gain popularity all over the country. Soon enough the band gain international fans and the manager jets them off for a grand tour. They play for days and weeks and eventually they get some time off. The members go their separate ways during this time. The sheep goes to unwind and party at clubs. The cow decides take a plane to go back home to see his family. The horse thinks; hey, I need a break from this, I’m going to shop non-stop! and so he does. Eventually, the band’s tour break comes to an end and the band must meet up back at the manager’s record HQ. The horse is on his way back and realises that he maxed his credit cards and basically spent all of his money on clothes and the like. He only has the change left in his pockets and he is in shock. The horse calls the cow but he does not pick up. He calls the sheep and he doesn’t pick up either. The horse is panicking and as he is walking past the street, he sees a T.V store and it is on the news. He reads the latest headline BREAKING NEWS: sheep from The Animal Band overdosed on drugs and alcohol and was declared dead in the hospital. Meanwhile a flight boarded by Cow from Animal Band has experienced mechanical failures and has crashed over the sea. The horse, distraught, does not know what to do. His two best-friends and band companions have both died and he is completely broke. He walks into the nearest bar, completely distraught, and the bartender says; Why the long face? Farm Animal Band

So there is this plane crash above the Atlantic ocean and only the pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive. They manage to make it to an island and set up some little camp. After the first week, they realize that surviving is not enough. The pilot asks the stewardess: Listen, I really need some sexual action, it’s been too long and i’ll go crazy. So the stewardess replies: if you’re okay with it, and he’s okay with it, we can rotate every day. One day you, one day him. After the co-pilot agrees, the stewardess proceeds to oblige and starts with the pilot. This goes on for a little over a year, until the stewardess sadly catches some unknown jungle disease and dies. The pilot and co-pilot, both heartbroken, look at each other and say: What should we do now? The pilot reluctantly says: I guess there’s no other option: one day you, one day me…. And this goes on for another month. At the end of the month, the co-pilot says: Listen, I’ve had enough, I can’t go on like this. The pilot agrees and asks what they should do next. The co-pilot tells him: I think we should burry her now.. (Long & Dirty) A pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive a plane crash

So there once was a horse that wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So he goes around looking for someone to teach him, and soon he finds someone to teach him. After a white, the horse get REALLY good at playing the guitar so he tells his friend Duck about how he learned the guitar. So the Duck says to him, Wow that’s pretty damn amazing considering you don’t have fingers. I was thinking of learning to play the drums, you’ve inspired me to learn! So the Duck went on Craigslist to find a drums teacher and soon he learns to play the drums REALLY well and decides to tell his friend Goat about his experience. So the Goat says to him, Wow that’s pretty damn amazing. I was thinking of taking singing lessons because I feel like I have a really unique voice! You’ve inspired me to get singing lessons! So the Goat goes and pays his friend Pig to teach him how to sing and after a few months, he learned how to sing really well. So the three of them decides to start a band because they were all very skilled and passionate about their music. They started landing small gigs here and there, playing at kids birthday parties, until they land this huge gig in Seattle! This gig was going to be their big break! Goat spent all his money on singing lessons so he had to to take the train to Seattle instead of flying with the rest of his band mates. Unfortunately, Horse couldn’t make it to Seattle because his mom was dying and he had to go see her one more time. The Horse’s mom ends up passing away and he falls into a depression. Right as he’s driving back to his apartment, he hears on the radio that there was a terrorist attack on his friend Duck’s plane and everyone is dead! He also learns when he got home that the train his friend Goat was on derailed and crashed into a wall, there were no survivors. At this point the Horse is just spiraling and spiraling out of control. He soon develops a drinking habit. After awhile he runs out of alcohol so he walks into a bar. And the the bartender asks, Why the long face? A horse learns the guitar

So there once was a man named Joe, who worked for a private investment company called Curo. So one day Joe’s boss goes up to him and says, Joe. I need you to go visit our client in the Himalayas, they want to put a face to their product and you are just the man for the job. The Himalayas? Wow, I would love to. He said. So the next day Joe boards a plane to Nepal, and he arrives with a few days to spare. So he decides to go on a hike up the mountain, so he goes to this little shop to get some supplies and rent a pack mule. Little did he know that a storm was forming and would soon be upon him. He starts north ready for a beautiful hike in the Himalayan mountains. His first day goes off without a hitch, Joe makes it about 16 miles along the trail and sets up camp just off the main trail. The next day he wakes up to a brutal blizzard, it is impossible to see more than a few feet and the trail is mostly covered. He tries to make his way back but ends up getting off the trail unknowingly, heading deeper and deeper into uncharted territory. Finally he gives up and sets up camp again. The storm rages for 3 days, he missed his meeting, however that was the least of his concerns. When he finally emerges from his tent he realizes that he is completely lost. Most of his gear is gone and he doesn’t know how he can make it back to town. Nevertheless he sets out, he hikes on for days with little hope of refuge. When all of a sudden he comes across a building, he immediately heads inside, to discover that it is a bakery, he asks the owner for a slice of his best pie and directions to town. The baker says his best pie is called Himalayan peach pie. Joe sits down and tries a bite, it is the most wonderfully marvelous slice of pie he had ever had in his life. He asks for a second slice, and a third, and even a fourth. When he left he took 4 pies with him. He found the town and managed to make his way home. When he got back to work he was fired for failing the client, when he explained the situation his boss felt sorry for him but could not do anything about his job. So he goes home. The situation he was in made him realize how good life is, so he calls his old girlfriend and asks to meet up with her for coffee. When she gets there he tells her about what happened to him and explains how he regrets breaking up with her. They end up dating for 9 months and after that, he proposes to her. She says yes, they have a magical wedding and for their honeymoon they decide to search for the little bakery that sells the magical pie. So they set out to Nepal, when they arrive they go to the same supply shop that Joe went to before and ask the man about the bakery. He had a general idea of where the shop was a circled the area on a map for them. They head out in search of the bakery. For 8 long days they searched, and had no success. On the 9th day Joe and his new wife are crossing a narrow snow-bridge when suddenly the bridge gives out and Joe’s wife falls to her death. Horrified, Joe sets up camp and calls out to his wife hoping against hope that she was alive. He does this for 5 days, when he gives up he decides to just walk off into the distance until he cannot walk any further. He walks for 2 whole days and 1 night when all of a sudden he comes across the bakery. When he walks in there is a different man behind the counter. It turns out the man had a son who was now in charge of the bakery and had been dead for several months. He asks the mans son if he has the Himalayan peach pie, unfortunately the man never wrote the recipe out and no one knew how to make it. It was the last straw. Joe asks the man’s son if he can search for the recipe and explains what he went through to get there. The man’s son lets him look but warns him it would be futile. after 2 days of non-stop searching he gives up, the man’s son says to him, we also have apple. Joe thinks for a while and says, Ok I’ll have apple. Himalayan peach pie

So there’s a girl, who just graduated from High School as an honors student but just a few A’s away from making Valedictorian. After her graduation, her father walks up to her and says you’ve let me down. The girl goes to medical school. Once again, she graduates near the top of her class but isn’t the top of her class. The father walks up to her and says you’ve let me down. The girl was nominated for a big promotion in her hospital but was just a few marks away from securing it. Her father walks up to her and says you’ve let me down. Years pass. The woman has grown to hate her father. One day, she receives a letter saying her father had passed away. Forgetting all of her hate, she gets on the next flight to her mother’s home. As soon as she arrives, her mother hands her a letter detailing one final request from her father. At my funeral, I would like to have my daughter lower my body into my grave so she can let me down one more time. A father and his disappointing daughter

So there’s a plane. The plane crashes, and every single person dies. However, a man goes home and tells his wife about it. How is this possible? He wasn’t single. So, there’s a plane…

So theres an airplane flying along in a big storm with a pilot, a priest, a nun, a rabbi and a bunch of children. Suddenly lightning strikes the engine and the plane begins to crash. The pilot takes a parachute and jumps immediately. Leaving only three parachutes. The nun starts screaming The children, The Children The rabbi says Fuck the children The Priest says think, we got time? sorry if this has been posted before So Theres an Airplane…

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night. All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn’t take off until the day after tomorrow. A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So this average guy in an average town was at his average job on an average day. Let’s call him Average Joe. Joe for short. Joe was working away, about 15 minutes from clocking out, and heard a voice in his head that said, Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas. Joe just thought he overheard a conversation and continued throughout his day. About 2 months later, Joe was at home reading the newspaper after an average day of work, and then again he heard, Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas. This time joe seemed to be puzzled as the tv nor the radio was on. But he shrugged it off and continued to read. About 3 weeks later, Joe was on a date with Average Jill if you will. Jill was ordering a steak medium rare when suddenly, Joe heard the voice again say Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas. He asked Jill to be excused, and while in bathroom he rinsed his face with cold water. He was thinking to himself he must be going crazy. But again Joe continued on with his evening. It wasn’t 3 days before Joe heard the voice again repeat itself about every hour of the day. Then it would become every minute as the day grew dark, and it was starting to drive Joe mad. Joe drank himself to sleep that night. When Joe arose, he headed straight to work, asked his boss for his advance, and then quit immediately . The voices were still constantly repeating Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas. He then headed straight to the bank and took out all his savings. After he sold his house to the highest bidder. He loaded up his car with food and clothes, and the $235,000 he had tallied up, and set his TomTom for the nearest airport to go to Las Vegas, Nevada. The whole trip the voice constantly repeated itself, but as soon as he arrived in Las Vegas, the voice stopped. There was silence, something Joe treasured at the moment. He cracked a smile, but after about 5 solid blissful minutes, the voice began to say, Go to the nearest casino, over and over again. Felling forced to do so, he headed to the first casino he could find, with his $235k. As soon as he stepped in the casino, he heard the voice say, Cash in all your money for chips. This strange voice was actually starting to build up confidence in Joe. He thought to himself, if this voice has been in his head and got him this far, then it must know what it’s doing. His chin was high as he cashed in his entire life into those gorgeous chips in Vegas. Once he had his chips the voice says, Go to the third roulette table in the back left of the casino. Not even being able to see back that far, Joe listened. Sure enough there were 6 roulette tables exactly where the said, and Joe made his way to third table. The voice then said the instant Joe approached the table, Put all your money on Red 6. Without hesitation, Joe put his entire life on Red 6, $235k. The roulette table then spun, and then the ball was dropped. It bounced around as the roulette kept spinning, then suddenly it began to lose speed. The ball settled into its hole, but the numbers were too hard to read because of the speed of the spin. Then you hear the dealer call out, Loser! It landed on Black 13. Joe was devastated, and then the voice suddenly said in a surprised yet disappointed tone, …..Fuck. Gambling problem…

So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and higher but all of a sudden stopped and crashed. The flight attendant runs up and goes, what happened I thought you could fly it?!? The blonde crawls out and says, ya I can but when I got up there I got cold so I turned off the ceiling fan. So this blonde is at an airport…

So this happened about 2 years ago but it doesn’t matter. So I was getting on the plane when a stewardess pulled me over just to inform me that I was sitting next to a ‘special person’. He had major autism and had apparently EATEN his mum when he found her dead after she had a heart attack. Anyway, u sit down next to him to see that he is dressed as a viking of sorts. He had an eyepatch covering an eye and one of those viking helmets with one of the two horns broken off. So, I say hi and his carer next to him (on the other side) says hi back. Now, this is where the fuck up happens. Mid flight, everyone gets their food for lunch, the carer asks me a question about where I was from or something, and I I was turning to answer, my arm had a spasm and followed my head with fork in hand. The fork flew around strait into the autistic mans throat. This gave me a fright and I accidentally let go of the fork. This was bad, he was choking. His carer starts calling for a steward for help, and most people are freaking out. His face had turned purple… He was a one eyed, one horned, flying, purple, people eater. TIFU By making a guy choke in the middle of a long plane flight.

So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in. St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet? First Nun: Oh that’s an easy one, Adam! St. Peter: That’s correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet? Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course! St. Peter: That is correct, you may also enter. Now third Nun your question is, what were the first words Eve spoke to Adam. Third Nun: (Puzzled) Oh wow that’s a hard one….. St. Peter: That’s correct you may enter! There are two types of people in the world: those who need closure

So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in. St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet? First Nun: Oh that’s an easy one, Adam! St. Peter: That’s correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet? Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course! St. Peter: That is correct, you may also enter. Now third Nun your question is, what were the first words Eve spoke to Adam. Third Nun: (Puzzled) Oh wow that’s a hard one….. St. Peter: That’s correct you may enter! Three nuns waiting to get into heaven..

So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said hey, were in America! The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the American president says, because when I stuck my hand out, I felt the top of the empire state building. A short while later, the French president sticks his hand out and say Hey, we are in France! The Mexican president asks him about how he knew, and the French president said, when I stuck my hand out I felt the top of the Eiffel tower. A short while later the Mexican president sticks his hand out and says hey, were in Mexico! The American president asks him how he knew, and to this the Mexican President replied, Well, I stuck my hand out and when I pulled it back in, my watch disappeared. 3 Presidents are in a Plane

So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die. They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter says to the first priest, I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy. Off they go to hell. St. Peter then addresses the second priest, I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny. Off they go to hell. The third priest says to his wife, Fanny, we don’t have a chance. Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash…

So today was the day. Dave and Margie were boarding the plane on their long awaited trip to Hawaii. They take their seats and the pilot announces our trip today will be about 5 hours and the weather report is very good, so just sit back and relax . And not knowing his mic was still on the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says: hey I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee right about now . Judy the flight attendant hears this and goes running down the aisle for the cockpit and runs past Dave, who then yells: Mam!!!! You forgot the coffee This was and oldie a friend of mine told me awhile ago. An older couple is leaving for a trip to Hawaii

So we’re flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual – the temperature at our airport, how we’re twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds, … and folks, the flight looks pretty smooth from here on out, except for a little patch of turbulence just ahead but we should be… HOLY SHIT! – At that moment the plane suddenly dived from an air pocket. Then the turbulence was *really* bad for a while. The pilot never turned his microphone off and you could hear the whole thing over the intercom: JESUS HOLY – hold on hold on hold – OH CRAP! Pulling up PULL UP GODDAM IT!!… Needless to say, it was all quite exciting and went on like this for a good while. But eventually they got it under control, the plane leveled and we passed out of the turbulence. We could still hear the pilot though: Phew – that was something! I could really use a beer and a blow job right now! Right away the stewardess *runs* forward, heading into the cockpit. At that point a passenger yells out: Don’t forget the beer! The flight got a little rough there…

So, it’s 5:30 PM. Pete is sitting behind the bar, feeding drinks to one of his daily regulars, when a fresh face walks in. Pete had never seen the guy before, but he looked pretty shaken–like he needed a stiff drink. The man sat down next to Pete’s regular customer at the bar, and he saw the regular say to the newcomer, Hey, what’s wrong? It’s my wife! She cheated on me! The man sobs, I’m not a drinker, but I’ll be damned if I don’t down a whole *bottle* of whiskey with you guys tonight. Pete watches as the look on his regular’s face softens. He says, Hey, you know what? You don’t want to be like us. Alcohol isn’t the answer to your problems. What you need is a good cheering up! The newcomer says, I don’t know mister, I just want to let go and get drunk for once. To that, Pete’s regular replies, No. No no no, no. I have something that will cheer you up. I promise. You see, there’s a window on the top floor of this building with magical properties. Bull shit, the newcomer says. Pete is sipping on a seltzer water, listening on. I’m serious. I’ll prove it. Once you use this window, you’ll never worry about that ol’ ball and chain again. You’ll be free! Hey man, you got nothing to lose, just follow me real quick and I’ll show you. Well, alright. And they walk upstairs. Pete is still sitting, daydreaming, sipping his seltzer–meanwhile, the regular and the newcomer are exchanging words upstairs. So, all you gotta do is dive out of this window head first, and you’ll be granted the gift of flight. And who needs booze when you can *fly*! You think I’m an idiot? The newcomer continues, Buzz off, I’ll buy myself a bottle at the gas station and drink at home. I’m sick of everyone, damn it! Not so fast, the regular says. Let me show you. The newcomer eyes him, tired, and makes his way towards the stairs when–just then–the regular dives head first out the window. The newcomer shouts, NO! WAIT! and sprints back towards the window, hoping foolishly that he will be able to save Pete’s favorite customer. Then, suddenly… The newcomer gazes in astonishment as the regular falls within feet of the pavement, then rockets back into the sky and pulls a double loop-de-loop. He is floating in the air when he calls to Pete’s newcomer, See? What did I tell ya! Come on out and be free my new pal! With a rush of excitement and new-found will to live, the newcomer jumps headlong out of the window… Back behind the bar, Pete hears the newcomer’s faint scream, then a loud *THUD* outside the front door. Then, his regular comes through the door, straightening his tie and chuckling. Pete says, Superman, you’re an asshole. Newcomer at Pete’s Pub

So, Jack and Jill were just married, both age 20, and go to this funfair, which offers a plane ride for £20. Jack: Please, can we go? I’ve always wanted to fly on a plane! Jill: I’m sorry Jack. £20, is £20 20 years later, they go to the same funfair, have fun on the rides, until they come across the plane. Jack: Please Jill! We’re not that poor! Jill: Jack, face it, £20, is £20. And so when they go 15 years later, at the age of 55, Jack still want to go. Jack: Jill, I want to go on the plane! Jill: Jack, stop! £20, is £20! And so, for the final time, they go to the fair when they are 65 years old. Jack: Jill, I’m going to die soon, so I want to go on the plane! Jill: I’m sorry Jack, but £20 is £20. Just then, the pilot overhears them talking, and says: Pilot: I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a free ride, and do all the trick, and loops to make you sick, but you can’t utter a sound. A single noise, and you’ll have to pay. Jack and Jill agree to this. They get on the plane, the pilot does all of his tricks. Jack doesn’t make a sound. When they get to the ground, the pilot says: Pilot: That was amazing! What I did was enough to make anyone sick! You didn’t say anything, or make a single noise! Jack: Well, I almost did; when my wife had a heart attack and fell out of the plane…but I said to myself, ”Come on Jack, £20, is £20!” A joke about planes

solving for x wing. what do more advanced resistance pilots do? solve for x and y wing at the same time. what’s a resistance pilot’s favorite mathematical activity?

Some guy is smoking in an airport. How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir? Why? Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane? Well, do you smoke cigarettes? No, sir Do you own a plane? Uhm. No… Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane’s mine. Cigarretes

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip. After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students. They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking. Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I’m sure this bloody thing won’t even start Trust is everything

Sometimes in an airport, there are people with four hour layovers. They are in no rush. Sometimes you have people with a 30 minute layover and they are rushing through the airport. And then you have people who are just Russian. People in the Airport

son: dad can I have a planet? Dad: do I look Mormon to you? son asks dad can I have a……

Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson. Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see. Watson replied, I see billions of stars. What does that tell you? Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes? Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent! Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

Sorry if this is badly translated or whatever. Originally heard this joke as an elementary schooler in Korea. Don’t remember much about it :/ There were 4 passengers sitting in a plane. One was American, one was French, one was Japanese, and the other was Korean. After a short while of flying, the plane’s engines went out, and it began to crash. The passengers went to the doors, and found that there were 3 emergency parachutes. The American immediately grabbed one, and jumped off the plane shouting, For America! The French, too, grabbed the parachute, and jumped out shouting For France! Now, there were two passengers left on the plane, with a single parachute on board. But before the Japanese could do anything, the Korean turned to the man with a shit-faced grin, pushed the man off, and shouted, For Korea! 4 Passengers were sitting in a plane..

Sorry, gotta go catch a flight. What did the north tower say to the south tower?

Stan is taking a piss in the bathroom. He just got off the plane to Jamaica and it feels like the longest piss in his life. As he’s doing so, a Jamaican guy walks in and starts pissing right next to him. The Jamaican then starts talking to him and gesturing to his junk, Wagwan bruvuh? You see this? This is two feet of muscle mah bruvuh. Then without saying a word he smashes the urinal with his dick, roaring at the top of his lungs. Stan starts freaking out, backing away, stream still spraying haphazardly. The Jamaican starts breaking all of the toilet stalls down one by one, swinging his tube steak around like a halberd. He then approaches Stan making direct eye contact while smashing the sinks in the bathroom and hitting the air dryer buttons. YAH KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO?!? he screams at Stan. Lost for words and in the complete grip of fear, Stan can only sputter nonsense. IM GONNA PUT EET IN YOUR BUM! At these words Stan lets out the largest sigh of relief. Oh thank God! I thought you were going to beat me to death with it! So Stan is going to the bathroom…

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Martha would say, I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. Martha replied, Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars. The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars. Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. Stumpy replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars. edit–format Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Martha would say, I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. Martha replied, Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars. The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars. Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. Stumpy replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars. edit–format TIL: A study revealed that users never check the authenticity of facts they find on /r/todayilearned

Subject: It’s a comin’ Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim, and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few. The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, Once my people were few, he sneers, and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, That’s cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it’s a-comin ! It’s a-Comin Muslims…

Suddenly Biden has a heart attack and the plane is losing altitude. Their only option is to evacuate, but there are only three parachutes. Bush yells, I’m Jeb Bush! I havent bomb Iraq yet! I cant let my bro and dad laugh at me! He took the first parachute and jumped. Trump runs screaming, I havent dated my daughter and watch her playboy debut, I cant die here! He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. Clinton points the middle finger to Sanders, Fem right, bitch! and took the last parachute and jumped. Sanders then tried to control the plane and successfully landed the plane safely. On the next day, they found Bush, Trump and Clinton’s corpse. They all wear backpack. Bush, Trump, Sanders and Clinton are all on a plane and the pilot is Biden.

Suddenly Mike Pence says I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy . Donald says I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy . The pilot over heard this and said, I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy. Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane…

Suddenly one of the engines loses power. In an act of desperation the three men decide to throw stuff out of the plane. The Brit throws out his boxes of tea stating, We have too much tea in Britain anyway. The Mexican throws out his Cocain saying, There too much drugs in Mexico anyway. The American, without hesitation, throws the Mexican out of the plane. Why the bloody hell did you do that? Exclaimed the Brit. To which the American replied, Because, he was having an affair with my wife. A Brit, an American, and a Mexican are on a plane

Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, If three people jump off, the rest can survive. The Asian guy goes This is for my people and jumps off. The Hispanic guy goes This is for my people and jumps off. The black guy goes This is for my people , and kicks the white guy off the plane. An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane…

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me at 5:00 AM . He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5:00 AM, Wake up. A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane. He says, I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze. The woman, disarmed by the man’s honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it? He answers, Pepper. A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that’s getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the plane engine goes out and they start to fall. All of the passengers are thrown out of the plane with parachutes except the pilot, an atheist, and a Christian. The pilot says, We only have two parachutes left, one of you have to jump without one. The Christian says, Give me the parachute! I still haven’t finished spreading the word of God to people! The atheist says, Give me the parachute! I still have my whole life ahead of me, and if I die, that’s it! The pilot thinks to himself and nods, then says, I just thought of a way to save all of us! and he pushes the Christian out of the plane without a parachute. The atheist says, How is that going to save him?! And the pilot replies, Don’t worry, Christians don’t believe in gravity! An atheist and a Christian are in a plane

Superman is flying around Metropolis one day, and he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on her plane. He thinks to himself, I bet I can fly down there, have sex with her and then fly off before she even knows what is going on. He flies around a bit more and says, I am going to do it. He sees her again, flies down as fast as he can, has sex with her and flies off. Wonder Woman sits up and says, holy crap, what was that? The Invisible man says, I don’t know, but my ass sure does hurt! Superman flying around Metropolis….

Take me to the airport. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Take me to the airport. What did the DJ say to the jazz musician?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem? The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the Flight Attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot. Malasian airlines

Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport. After they get in a car the wife asks: Whats wrong? You haven’t spoken a word since you came and the husband replies: I’m waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air It was pretty funny when I was s kid! A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns!

That even the most Orthodox Jew, and the cruelest of all the people of Al-Qaeda, will look for the same thing once they get down from a plane. A Synagogue. Do you know what is heart warming?

That’s one flight that made it. I recently bought some Koi from Malaysia…

That’s why Morgan Freeman is in every seat of the plane. God is everywhere.

The *pilot* episode. What’s the worst part about season 1 of Lost?

The 5 jokes that have never produced laughter, as seen in The Areas of my Expertise by John Hodgman. 1. A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, Ask me about my dog. Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog. 2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly. 3. An Irishman, an Englishman and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song. 4. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped. The pharmacist says, We have nothing for ducks here. 5. A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog? The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, Don’t you have a sense of humor, deafie? At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it’s a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear. Five Jokes Which Have Never Produced Laughter

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese..’ ‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’ ‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that’s why!’ ‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’ ‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’ There’s a few minutes of silence. ‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces. ‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain. ‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot. ‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’ Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah…all fukin same. Pilot to co-pilot

the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidently left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd. The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes. On board the U.S. Navy carrier USS George Washington…

The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you’re charged per mile. Comcast opens an airline.

The airplane starts going down and there is only two parachutes. The mother says, save the kids! The lawyer says,FUCK THE KIDS! and the priest says do we have enough time? Two kids a mom a lawyer and a priest are on an airplane.

The airplane. What animal is best at playing hide and seek?

The airport is Snowden Why is Edward Snowden still in Russia?