It’s been 15 years since North Korea broke the Korean Armistice Agreement (cease fire agreement), and both North and South Korea are desperate to end the war since they are running low on resources. One South Korean general decided that he needs every help he can find to win the war so he brings Jaedong, who was once considered the best Starcraft player, to use as a strategist. The general says I know you’ve been retired for a while and using a starcraft player as a war strategist is a bit unorthodox, but we really could use your help. Thanks for coming Sure, I am just happy I can contribute my long forgotten skill sets to my country Great! We really value your ability to come up with strategies quickly under pressure. I’ll try my best Then Jaedong was taken to the situation room where the president and other high rank officials are sitting in a circle. We’ve been waiting for you. Come here and take a sit said the president. Jaedong sits down nervously. One of the officials explains the situation to Jaedong I’m not going to lie, things aren’t looking very good at the moment. We are fighting in their territory so they have the advantage. We can’t send tanks too close because they’ll be easily targeted from the mountains. We can’t send bombers since all the anti-airs will get rid of them even before our planes get near the target. Soldiers can’t just march down because then they’ll just get outnumbered by the North Koreans with Chinese soldiers on the side. We really don’t know what to do at the moment, and this is where we need your help. …. Jaedong sits quietly for a minute and starts walking out of the room. HEY! What do you think you are doing? We know you aren’t exactly trained for situations like this, but we really need your advice on this. Says the confused general. Then Jaedong speaks I wish I could help you sir, I really do. Then why were you just trying to walk out of the room? Because I’m a Zerg player Starcraft joke.
It’s going to be a long flight so he turns to her and tries to make small talk, but she ignores him best she can. After trying several times, he finally says It’s going to be a long flight, we may as well get to know one another. Why don’t we play a game? She seems uninterested, so he makes it more interesting. Tell you what he says, I’ll ask you a question and if you can’t answer, you give me five bucks. Then You can ask me a question and if I can’t answer it, I’ll give you fifty bucks. She shrugged her shoulders and reluctantly agrees. Great! the businessman exclaims. You can go first. The blonde turns to him and asks, What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with five? He scratches his head and begins thinking intently on the question. She pulls out her pillow and turns toward the window, dozing off. The businessman continues to wrack his brain, trying to think of the answer. He calls his office and puts his secretary on it. He also pulls out his laptop and googles the odd question; he can’t seem to find anything. His secretary hasn’t found anything either. The captain comes over the radio and announces that they will be landing shortly. The businessman gently nudges the blonde and reluctantly pulls a crisp fifty dollar bill out of his wallet. This is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard. She takes the money, stuffs it in her purse, and turns back toward the window. Hold on now! cries the businessman. It’s my turn to ask a question. She turns back to him and he asks without hesitation, What goes up a hill with four legs and comes down with five? The blonde reaches into her purse, hands him a five dollar bill, and turns back to the window to doze off again. A businessman sits next to a blonde on a plane…
It’s going to be plane sailing! I’m feeling confident about my new business selling amphibious aircraft…
it’s going to be the longest flight ever Did u hear about the new plane that’s going to be 2000 ft long?
Its just plane wrong! Guys! I demand you stop making jokes about 9/11!
It’s not the passengers fault, it’s the not the flight attendants fault, it’s the asphalt. Dumb one-liner of the day: I imagine veterinarians who treat ducks put up with a lot of undeserved grief.
It’s not the passengers fault, it’s the not the flight attendants fault, it’s the asphalt. Who is responsible for a planes rough landing?
It’s probably worse ’cause I’ve hadn’t enough time to think it through. Here it goes: Ying, Xing and Ping decided to take a spacecake holiday and get baked on Amsterdam. As soon as the plane touches the ground, they light the grass and start their journey. As they roll around, Ying wants to try different batches of dope candy, Xing wants to smoke a huge ganja blunt and Ping is in for just getting plain dumb. Xing and Ying take their time and enjoy the trip, while Ping gets so blazed he can’t even walk. Back at the airport, they hand their passports and find out they’ve been banned from Amsterdam. So confusing. They approach the officer and ask what did they do wrong. > Look, you can smoke your doobies in Amsterdam, that’s just our thing. You, Ying you’re fine. Xing here, he’s fine too… but Ping is too high. Ying, Xing and Ping in Amsterdam
Its Self Ex-Planetary Pluto
It’s strange isn’t it, you stand in a library and go Aaaaaargh and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in. It’s strange isn’t it
It’s the gassiest of all planets. Uranus has been the butt of many jokes.
It’s this time of the year again. I lost my uncle on 9/11. But at least he died during something he really enjoyed – flying airplanes. My Uncle died
I’ve got a plane to catch What did one tower say to the other?
I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT??!! What was that?! So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That’s fine, honey. She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear; let’s go to the cashier. I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I don’t feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, WHAT? I then said Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you? Apparently, no sex tonight either! Edit: Didn’t expect to make front page but glad lots of you got a laugh out of it! Edit 2: Thank you for the gold! No Sex Tonight!
I’ve told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they’re always pale as Lyndon B’s corrupt lyin’ ass. I can’t blame ’em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn jungles. Worse still, I was the protagonist of this story, if you can call me that. It was October, 1972. We were stationed along the Ho Chi Minh trail to intercept supplies going through a triage of enemy villages 112 kilometers north of the capital. My platoon had set up an encampment on the southside hill in relation to these villages when gunfire began raining down on us. We did what we were trained to do, although I could tell the rest of the boys were scared out of their minds. I can’t blame ’em. But when the gunfire became sweeping towards our position from farther south was when we all realized we were in some deep shit. We were rats snapped snug into a trap. We called for reinforcements, but the higher ups all had their hands tied up in other ambushes throughout the valley. Air support was limited, although we relished the brief pauses in the bloodshed it would give us when they dropped the bombs on the hostiles. During one of the enemy waves I lost four of my fingers to enemy grenade shrapnel. A Norwegian recruit, Sven Alfoldssen, saved my ass during that same encounter. The men began calling me Six , and Alfoldssen Seven . We became pretty good friends. We shared a few drinks together, spoke about our women, reminisced about times before we were drafted into this whole shit show. But we were proud to serve, and would die for our respective countries willingly if it meant stopping the Commies from encroaching on our freedoms. But that all changed after a few weeks of no reinforcements and dwindling supplies. Some men began eating flour mixed with dirt to sate their unrelenting appetites. There were some scuffles for the last few MREs that got pretty violent. Before we had some hope help would arrive to push the commies off the hill to get us some goddamn food. Now, it was no secret we were in some dire fucking straits. Three weeks passed since the last MRE was eaten. If the Viet Cong made a significant offensive on our position during then, we would’ve certainly kissed all our lives goodbye. The men found it hard just to stand up in the morning. Our rip-cages were all showing, and we just started isolating ourselves from one another. There’s no point in making small talk if all you can think about is the next bite to eat. This is where I’m struggling to recollect my thoughts. It’s not that I *can’t* remember, mind you. I don’t *want* to remember. Who on this fucking marble called planet Earth *wouldn’t* want to forget this? Seven began talking to me for the first time in three days. I didn’t want to reciprocate, because I had to patrol the perimeter that day and he was obviously compromising my position with his banter. He was saying some shit about one of our foreign recruits hailing from Germany. Saying things like we should take him by surprise and he’d make for some nice company during dinner. I mostly ignored what he said, but the little I retained sent chills up my spine. That night, I went to see how the german was doing. This was the worst mistake of my life, and what I saw would never leave my memories till the day I die. I opened up the tent and saw Seven with a bloody fistful of the german over his mouth. I saw the poor man moaning his dying breaths as Seven bit on his intestines. I’ll never forget what the german said. *Nein … Nein …*. In absolute rage, I grabbed a nearby rope and strangled the cannibal Seven to death. I strangled to death a man who was once my friend. When the deed was done, the german had already passed. I cried, holding his bloodied head in my arms. I couldn’t find a dogtag on the german’s body. Seven must’ve thrown it away somewhere in some inane attempt to cover-up his crime. The rest of my comrades, upon hearing about what happened, began calling the poor soul Nein . Reinforcements and supplies arrived a couple days afterwards. After a few weeks in the hospital, we were sent back into the thick of it all. War is like that. It never forgets, but also never cares. I’ve told this story to so many naive greens during my time in these jungles. This story kept me up through it all, and not in a good way. I’ll never forget what I saw that night. When I saw how Sven ate Nein. (TL;DR: Because Seven Eight Nine) Why was 6 afraid of 7?
January 1st 2015 NASA and reasonable science enthusiasts has for decades been begging the capital hill for an increase in funds to do what they need to be able to do, and capital hill replied for decades We’ll think about it. Now it has happened at an unexpected rate. An earlier agreement that capital hill head among both parties was to fund various projects towards the development of the international space station for what is said to be for both scientific and diplomatic reasons. When asking the two party representitives the following statements were made. The democratic party stated we hope that we can find a way to create a habitat planet for the humpback whales since the world will be uninhabitable by any living thing throughout the entire history of time since that one guy won’t stop smoking, despite it adding calories when he does. The conservative represented had this to say. We really hope that this new deal would be able to bring about diplomatic relations with the world’s hippies and deadbeats for future lsnd, i mean money, I mean voters… favors? Yes favors, let’s go with that. When the president was asked about why he didn’t veto the bill he said I understand how this is a huge concern among my fans er American people, and want to better reflect how I the popular, er president would be willing to accommodate. Perhaps we can use this to move towards a brighter future of political conduct such as how long, er any given president should be in term. Further.. huuuh… what does the prompter say it turned off. Oh there it goes. Further we want to make sure that everyone is as happy as they can be with our policies. Certain items pertaining to the project funds were specified to be used including but not limited to: *moon dust converting to water *targeting systems with several tetrameters of reach with accuracy *moon dust converting to what whales breath if not water *machines to monitor money transactions on a global scale *moon dust converting to what whales eat if not water *machines to scan people’s voting records on a global scale to determine statistics and effect voting fraud. and many more. It’s about time government realized that the NASA program needed to have a better budget, and I as I non inspecting reporter feel perfectly fine with the potential changes that can occur. NASA’s budget has dramatically increased by 1000 times it was last year.(non seirous duel party joke)
Jeffrey Epstein and Bill put on parachutes and head for the door. The copilot says, What about the children? Fuck the children, Epstein says. Bill looks over his shoulder and laughs, then says, We already did. Bill Clinton is on a plane when, suddenly, the engines fail.
Jerry was walking home from work in a bustling city, when he stumbled upon a man who was giving out coupons for a free drink at an enormous penthouse. This monstrous building had 100 floors, and no elevator, but Jerry was determined to go get himself a free drink. After the first ten flights of stairs, he began to pant, and walked more slowly. When he reached the 27th flight, he tripped and bruised his chin. Nevertheless, he continued upwards. He climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed. When he reached the 60th flight, he couldn’t take it anymore, so he whipped out a cigarette for a quick smoke break. After feeling a bit more rested, he continued up the seemingly never-ending stairway. Finally, he reached the 90th floor! Jerry told himself that he was almost there, and continued up the stairs slowly but surely. After an hour, he had finally reached the top of the stairs! Jerry glanced into the penthouse, and saw that it was filled with people, all collecting their free drinks. There were massive crowds waiting for Coke, Fanta, wine, beer, any dozens of other drinks, but he looked and he looked, but there was no punchline. The Free Drinks
Jimmy says, There’s no way that you know everyone. It’s literally impossible. I’ll only believe you if we can fly to DC tomorrow and meet Obama. Bobby comes back with, Okay cool, no sweat. I’ll call Matt at the DC airport and have him arrange some flights for us. The next morning Bobby picks up Jimmy and the two set off to the airport. Bobby is constantly stopping to say hello through check-in until the two board the plane. The two get off the plane and Jimmy follows the crowd to baggage claim and hail a taxi. He turns around and sees Bobby chatting with an airport worker and laughing hysterically. Hey Jimmy, can you believe it? Richard’s wife just gave birth to twins! Hey Rich, tell Susan I said hello and best wishes. Jimmy is stunned. How in the hell? He begins to tell Bobby that they need to grab a cab when Bobby stops him, grabs the attention of another worker dressed in all black. He informs Jimmy that this is an old friend, Peter, who works with the Secret Service. Their….limo…. has already been arranged for them. Jimmy is baffled. Still no way you know President Obama. Bobby and Jimmy get to the limo and lo and behold, Barack steps out and gives Bobby the biggest of hugs. It’s great to see you again, brother. Jimmy cannot believe it. He drills Obama with person questions about Bobby. As expected, Obama knows the answers. The trio spend the day on the town and by the end of it, Jimmy is assured the two are actual friends, yet he is not entirely believing the whole world gimmick. Okay, I give it to you. Today was neat. But tomorrow, we go to Tibet to meet the Dalai Lama. Sure enough, the next day follows as the last. They’re greeted off the plane by a friend of Bobby who drives them straight to His Holiness’s quarters. There, they spend the afternoon chit-chatting and catching up; all the while, Jimmy’s jaw is on the ground from disbelief. Alright man, one last test. We head off to Vatican City tomorrow. I want you to introduce me to the face of the Catholic Church – Pope Francis. The third day starts off quite like the other two. Once they’ve arrived in the Vatican City (through a series of flights and private taxi rides from Bobby’s friends), Bobby informs Jimmy that the Pope is quite busy today. He’s scheduled to deliver a speech to the Papal Audience and won’t have much time to entertain both guests. Bobby says that he’ll make his way to the Pope (connections can get you anywhere) and when he and the Pope come out on the balcony, he’ll have the Pope bless Jimmy directly. Jimmy is stunned. There is absolutely no way, he’s just gotta see it to believe it. He finds his place in the crowd and begins to wait. The crowds file in, full of devoted believers and eager tourists. As the time nears for the Pope to address his church, Jimmy sure enough sees Bobby by his side. His heart is racing! It isn’t possible he thinks, there’s is just no way. Suddenly, an obvious tourist walks behind Jimmy and taps him on the shoulder. Jimmy, not wanting to miss his blessing, quickly asks What ya need, buddy? The tourist looks baffled and emphatically asks Jimmy… Hey man, who the fuck is that up there next to Bobby?! Gay guys are fucking assholes.
Jimmy says, There’s no way that you know everyone. It’s literally impossible. I’ll only believe you if we can fly to DC tomorrow and meet Obama. Bobby comes back with, Okay cool, no sweat. I’ll call Matt at the DC airport and have him arrange some flights for us. The next morning Bobby picks up Jimmy and the two set off to the airport. Bobby is constantly stopping to say hello through check-in until the two board the plane. The two get off the plane and Jimmy follows the crowd to baggage claim and hail a taxi. He turns around and sees Bobby chatting with an airport worker and laughing hysterically. Hey Jimmy, can you believe it? Richard’s wife just gave birth to twins! Hey Rich, tell Susan I said hello and best wishes. Jimmy is stunned. How in the hell? He begins to tell Bobby that they need to grab a cab when Bobby stops him, grabs the attention of another worker dressed in all black. He informs Jimmy that this is an old friend, Peter, who works with the Secret Service. Their….limo…. has already been arranged for them. Jimmy is baffled. Still no way you know President Obama. Bobby and Jimmy get to the limo and lo and behold, Barack steps out and gives Bobby the biggest of hugs. It’s great to see you again, brother. Jimmy cannot believe it. He drills Obama with person questions about Bobby. As expected, Obama knows the answers. The trio spend the day on the town and by the end of it, Jimmy is assured the two are actual friends, yet he is not entirely believing the whole world gimmick. Okay, I give it to you. Today was neat. But tomorrow, we go to Tibet to meet the Dalai Lama. Sure enough, the next day follows as the last. They’re greeted off the plane by a friend of Bobby who drives them straight to His Holiness’s quarters. There, they spend the afternoon chit-chatting and catching up; all the while, Jimmy’s jaw is on the ground from disbelief. Alright man, one last test. We head off to Vatican City tomorrow. I want you to introduce me to the face of the Catholic Church – Pope Francis. The third day starts off quite like the other two. Once they’ve arrived in the Vatican City (through a series of flights and private taxi rides from Bobby’s friends), Bobby informs Jimmy that the Pope is quite busy today. He’s scheduled to deliver a speech to the Papal Audience and won’t have much time to entertain both guests. Bobby says that he’ll make his way to the Pope (connections can get you anywhere) and when he and the Pope come out on the balcony, he’ll have the Pope bless Jimmy directly. Jimmy is stunned. There is absolutely no way, he’s just gotta see it to believe it. He finds his place in the crowd and begins to wait. The crowds file in, full of devoted believers and eager tourists. As the time nears for the Pope to address his church, Jimmy sure enough sees Bobby by his side. His heart is racing! It isn’t possible he thinks, there’s is just no way. Suddenly, an obvious tourist walks behind Jimmy and taps him on the shoulder. Jimmy, not wanting to miss his blessing, quickly asks What ya need, buddy? The tourist looks baffled and emphatically asks Jimmy… Hey man, who the fuck is that up there next to Bobby?! Jimmy and Bobby are talking over coffee. Bobby casually mentions he knows every person on Earth…
Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to hear that his parents were taking him on a safari! On the day before he was due to leave, Jimmy had a playdate with his friends. When their parents came to pick them up, Jimmy’s mother wanted to boast about her son’s hobby. Jimmy, she called, Come and tell your friend’s mother where you’re going tomorrow. Jimmy came running into the foyer. With a grin, he yelled, We’re goin’ on a frickin’ safari!!! The parents, particularly Jimmy’s, were horrified. Yeah, he’s goin’ on a frickin’ safari!! his friend said to his mother, equally pleased. ‘Where did you learn such language? one of the parents asked, to which a confused Jimmy replied, My parents! The friends were quickly escorted to their cars, with their parents scolding them. As they left, there were murmurs of such deplorable behavior and what awful parenting . Jimmy’s mother and father were dumbfounded. How could he do this? they asked. We’ve never said such words in our lives! Maybe we really are bad parents. The next day, on the flight to the preserve, Jimmy boarded the plane, eagerly singing, We’re going on a frickin’ safari! repeatedly. The mother and father looked at each other, and put their arms around Jimmy’s shoulders. Listen, son, they said. Where did you really hear that word? From you, he said, bewildered. Now, why would we ever say that? they insisted, to which their son replied, You told it to me on my birthday. They sighed. Jimmy, look, whether we said it or not, that word is very inappropriate. We love you, and we don’t want you getting in trouble. Okay, Jimmy said. The rest of the flight was calm and quiet. When they finally arrived, Jimmy rushed out of the plane. Yay! he exclaimed rushing toward the safari park, located near the airport. His parents ran to catch up with him, only to find on the front signpost~ **African Safari** The Safari
Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced. His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home. After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and catch up. The following conversation ensued: So Joe, how’d it go? Went great Dad. I’m in the best shape of my life, and I learned a lot Joe replied. What would you say was the hardest part about training? Airborne School, hands down. Why’s that? Joe hesitated for a second, and said Well, everything started off good. I remained calm all the way up until the door in the plane opened, and it was time to jump. I was first in line, so I didn’t have the luxury of watching others go before me. I suddenly felt an uncontrollable wave of fear come over me. When the light turned green, I turned to my commanding officer and told him that I just couldn’t do it.. Ok.. his father replied, as his eyebrow lifted from confusion. So, what happened? My commanding officer walked up to me, pulled his cigar from his mouth and threw it off my helmet. With spit spraying from his mouth he screamed PRIVATE, IF YOU DON’T JUMP OUT OF THIS GOD DAMN PLANE, I’M GOING TO SHOVE MY BIG BLACK DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A BACKHOE TO PULL IT OUT! There was a long pause. …Did you jump? his father asked. Joe nodded mildly, looked up at his father and said, A little . Sorry for any grammar mistakes. My Uncle Rick told this one (and a few others to be posted this week) yesterday during a family picnic and I had to share. Thanks for reading! Joe returns home from basic training.
Joe, an average guy who has a prominent lisp is having difficulty with his current job. He is a salesman at a prominent toothbrush company but can’t seem to sell a single toothbrush. His boss Frank calls him and his other coworkers into his office for their weekly meeting. What is the sales report this week gentlemen? Frank asks. All of Joes co-workers give their reports, each of them claiming that they sold a few hundred toothbrushes. Frank nods and jots down a few notes as each recites their sales figures. Then he looks to Joe. Sssorry sssir. I jusst don’t know what’ss going on. Joe replies. Frank shakes his head and lowers his notepad. Well Joe, he begins. Upper management is coming down on me. If you don’t sell 100 toothbrushes by the end of the month. Your fired. Joe sighs but nods, and everybody leaves to go sell toothbrushes. The next Monday comes and it’s the same routine. All of Joes co-workers claiming that they sold more toothbrushes then last week, and Joe stammering that he didn’t sell a single one. After the meeting as everybody is leaving Frank calls Joe into his office. Look bud, I do not want to fire you. You really need to figure something out though or I am going to have to. Frank says. Joe nods, but knows it’s futile. Maybe, if you got a slogan, or a stand or a gimmick or something? Frank states. Gimmick? Joe askes What the hell is a gimmick? A gimmick! You know, something that attracts attention. Frank explains. Joe thinks for a minute and nods slowly. Gimmick. Ok. And he leaves. The next Monday Frank calls everybody into the office and goes over the figures as before. Feeling a bit worried, he gets to Joe. Frank doesn’t say anything, just looks a Joe with a raised eyebrow. Joe beams a wide grin and states One billion The notepad in Frank’s hand hits the floor as everybody around Joe gasps. H-How? Frank stammers. Well, Joe explains I took your adviccce. I got a sstand, with sssome chipsss and sssome dip and ssetup outside an airport gate. Asss people would leave the plane I would assk ‘Would you like sssome chipss?’ They would ssay yesss. Then, I would assk ‘would you like some dip?’ Again, they would ssay yesss. Then, they would take their chip, and dip it in the dip and eat it. Frank waved his hand and Joe, encouraging him to finish the story. Then, they would sspit it out and sssay ‘agh! Thiss tastesss like ssshit.’ Then I ssmile and ssay, thatss causse it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush? (it’s not my joke and it’s much better heard in person. However I’m newish to Reddit and I haven’t seen it on here before and I noticed people complaining about the re-posts so I gave it a shot.) Additionally I apologize for poor grammar, I’m on my phone. 🙂 Cheers! A man with a lisp…
John at work brags about him knowing everyone. His boss, Mike, is quite mad at him, and one day he says It’s impossible that you know everyone on Earth , but John replies That’s not true, I’ll prove it to you, just says a name . Mike, quite confident, replies President Obama . Ah, Barack, an old friend. Let’s take a flight, we are going there to meet him . Once they arrived at the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, John enters the White House, greetings all the security guys. Then at the White Office they meet with Obama and have a nice chat. Mike is surprised, but John continues to challenge him, so he ask to meet Bill Gates. After few hours of flight they arrive in California and meet with the tech tycoon. Mike is furious, so he challenge John to meet the Pope. Oh yeah, it’s a long time since I saw the Pope, I’ll visit him . They take a flight to Rome and then a cab to the Vatican City. Once there John says There’s to much crowd, the Pope will never see me, wait here, I’ll go up to meet him and then we will go to the window, so you will see us . John goes inside the buildings and then he meet the Pope, but when they appear at the window, John see chaos and an ambulance where Mike was. He rushes down the stairs and see Mike lying down. Are you ok boss? What happened? Oh, I had bout when you with the Pope appeared at the window and the guy next to me asked “Who’s the guy next to John?” . John knows everyone
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. Keeping track of the roosters took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. He just sat on his porch and filled out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, ran for cover. To John’s amazement, old Butch kept his bell in his beak, so it didn’t ring. Butch would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them WHEN THEY WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION! Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible. No Bell Peace Prize
Johnny has a quick temper and swears frequently but he is still one of the good guys. So when he dies, he goes to heaven. Once there, he’s assigned a most prestigious job. He’s to be the new cook of his lord and savior jesus christ. First day on the job, Johnny prepares a delicious lasagna. The cooking job comes with the delivery job so that Johnny needs to bring the meal to jesus in person. Which of course he’s an honor. Problem is Jesus lives on the 50th floor of the central heaven building and there are no elevators in the technology-averse heaven. Johnny patiently climbs the stairs but when he’s one step from reaching jesus’ doors he drops the tray and swear Jesus fucking christ! . Jesus hears the curse from inside and when he gets out says Hey Johnny, nothing personal but you should really avoid swearing here in heaven . Johnny ask for forgiviness, which needless to say is promptly granted, and then leaves. On the second day, Johnny climbs all the stairs and once again drops the tray on the last steps. Goddamit! Stupid fucking tray! he shouts. Once again christ freindly reprimands him but still insists he should not swear in heaven. You really need to work on your anger-management he says. On the third day, Johnny is on the last flight of stairs when he sees christ waiting for him on the floor landing. John is about to make the last step but then throws the tray on the ground and calmly states Alas, I dropped the tray once again . Jesus looks a little bit daunted but proceeds to explain Man, it’s not anger-management if you drop it willingly . Johnny leaves with a frustrated look. On the fourth day, Johnny is on the last flight of stairs once again,tray in hand, he sees jesus waiting for him and is so happy to finally be there and in control that he misteps and crash on the stairs together with the tray. Alas, how unfortunate he says, glad he could control his temper. Goddamit, man, you call that unfortunate? For the fuckety fuck, it’s been four days since I had my last supper. Jesus fucking christ! TL;DR: Too much is too much Johnny is Jesus’ new cook.
Johnny turns five and his father asks him what he wants for his birthday. I want a pink penguin, I want a pink penguin! Johnny says. So his dad scrounges through all the pet shops in his home town and can’t find any. So he gives him a tricycle as a gift. Then Johnny turns ten and again his father asks him what he wants for his birthday. And again Johnny says I want a pink penguin, I want a pink penguin! Now Johnny’s dad searches all the neighbouring larger cities, even visiting a few zoo’s, trying to find a pink penguin. Obviously no luck, so he returns and gives Johnny a mountain-bike. Then Johnny turns sixteen, and his dad asks him what he wants for his birthday. And again Johnny replies with: A pink penguin, a pink penguin! So his dad searches throughout the entire country; again, obviously, no luck. So he returns and gives Johnny a brand new car as a gift. Then Johnny turns 25 and his dad asks him what he wants for graduating college, and again Johnny says that he wants a pink penguin. Now his dad looks through the entire continent: he goes to Canada, Mexico, Chile, Brazil, Argentina. No luck. So he returns in time for Johnny’s graduation and he gives him a boat as a gift. A few years later and Johnny turns 35, this time his dad is way ahead of him and has spent the whole year looking all over the world for a pink penguin, he’s gone to China, Japan, Germany, Russia, South Africa, Australia. But alas, no luck, so he want ahead and bought Johnny his own private jet. Now, Johnny is turning 50, and his dad is back from hospital after an accident he had while abroad, he hasn’t even had time to think about his birthday. But when he visits his dad, expecting the old man to look downtrodden and dour, he finds him with a big grin on his face, in the corner of the room he sees… A pink penguin. I found him during and expedition to Antarctica! The dad says. Oh dad, says Johnny, it’s all I’ve ever wanted! So Johnny walk over to the pink penguin to pet him. But all of a sudden the penguin bites him! He even draws blood! And he keeps pecking at him! So Johnny runs and he jumps on his old trike and takes it to the shed, where he takes out his bike and rides it to the parking garage where he keeps his old car, he takes the car to the docks and runs to his boat, he takes his boat to the seaside airport where he keeps his private jet and without thinking of take-off procedures he takes it into the air. He’s safe, or so he thinks… He turns and to his left is the pink penguin, and you know what the penguin tells him? Absolutely nothing, because penguins can’t speak. A Pink Penguin
Judge concerned about the risk of flight. Pilot held without bail.
Jupiter’s moons were named after the Roman god’s mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star. Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space
Just once. /**************************************/ Edit: Thank you all for letting the world know that planes have in fact crashed more than once throughout history. No shit, Sherlock. Its called a joke. Do you think it would be all that funny if the punchline was Usually, they get destroyed when they crash, but sometimes they go back up in da air. ? How often do airplanes crash?
Just the other day, I met a Muslim on flight. I almost freaked. But then he immediately clarified that NOT all Muslims are terrorists. We both laughed so hard his grenades fell out of his pocket. Islamic terror
Just the other day, I met a Muslim on flight. I almost freaked. But then he immediately clarified that NOT all the Muslims are terrorists. Then, we both laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket. Just the other day, I met a Muslim on flight.
Knock knock. Who’s there? The pilot. Let me in Edgy Knock knock joke
Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Open the door! I’m the pilot. Al Gore’s so boring his secret service name is Al Gore
Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Knock Knock.. Who’s there? Open the door! I’m the pilot. Knock Knock..
Knock, knock. Who’s there? The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in hospital. A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family. Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem. What do you call a cat with no tail? A Manx cat. Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One. How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed. Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: ‘Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife’s house.’ The other man replies: ‘Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.’ Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off. Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering. So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger. How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing. A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says, Why are you wearing a suit? The black man says, I just got back from a funeral What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Would you like an ice pack? Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird. A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, No. No, I don’t. A man called a lawyer and asked, How much will you charge me to answer three questions? The lawyer said $400. Wow, said the man. Isn’t that a lot? I guess so, said the lawyer. When are you going to ask your questions? How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don’t, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn’t worry about it, really. Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ‘To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’ The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’ The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ‘Sorry, I can’t.’ he says. The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.’ The man says I’m sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all. What’s sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends. Why did the chicken cross the road? Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. Cool thought the mental health worker- those feathers will make for excellent trout flies . He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. God, I love this job , he muttered to no one in particular. Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he’ll let them drink of the holy water. The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith. Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive? Because she was blind and deaf. Otto and Beata give birth to a young child. This is impossible, because a baby cannot be born as a young child, therefore the previous sentence is rendered void and should be corrected. I apologise on behalf of myself, and myself only, for this major yet forgiveable mistake. The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what’ll ya have, Pope? But the Pope’s grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn’t know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves. Have you seen Stevie Wonder’s new house? No. Well, it’s really nice. Where did Hitler keep his armies? The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes. A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells God damn! as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god’s name in vein and says Don’t say ‘God damn’ say ‘God help us’ . The kid says, I am an atheist, get away from me . What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes. What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? An embarrassing situation Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? She was a schizophrenic. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. What’s the deal with airline peanuts? The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn’t want a Peanut Fee attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It’s free food, and it’s a nice snack. If you’re really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish. How do you make a Swiss roll? Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat sheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It’s quite delicious, actually. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag. One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other’s a thin plastic sheet formed into a shape most fitting to carrying large amounts of shopping so that its easier to carry. How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb? I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity is really quite low. A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress. she says. Come again? says the clerk, cupping his ear. I said ‘I’LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS’, says the girl, this time louder. A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS! Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is. First, says the bartender, you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there’s a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there’s an eighty-five year old woman in the back who’s never had sex. You have to have sex with her. The guy think it over and says okay, sure. You have a deal! He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he’s basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There’s a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what’s going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out. What’s he doing? asks the bartender. What’s left of him is back there in the croc pen, she says, her horrified face pale with shock. His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc…the croc ate him. Oh, Jesus, whispers the bartender. Jesus. Nobody says a word. A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there. The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit. Thank God , he says, I’ve been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last. Eight years? she says, So it’s eight years since you last smoked a Cuban cigar? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a Zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years. So is it also eight years since you had a drink? She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it’s 25 year old single malt whisky. It’s smooth and mellow and utterly delicious. So, she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, Is it eight years since you played around? Oh no, he says, This is all a dream, isn’t it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming. Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It’s the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone… so terribly alone. An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the spool of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender’s name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man’s mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address. What’s the difference between a duck? I’m sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say What’s the difference between a duck and a goose? and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl. What do you call 5 Mexicans in quicksand? A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic. Four blondes are driving to Disney world. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says Disneyworld: left so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth. A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says we’re too heavy, one of you will have to jump! The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don’t want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes. How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewellery she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money. Why don’t Polish girls swim in the sea? The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in. There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sail-boat. I haven’t seen him in years. As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn’t hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection. A man walks into a bar. He orders a couple of drinks, pays for them, and then proceeds to leave the premises, as his wife had told him that he must not be too late home. A horse walks into a bar. The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home. He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined. What’s eighteen inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night? A twelve inch long penis that is erect, thus adding approximately one half of its flaccid size, and involved in the act of fornication with the female partner of the man whose penis I am describing. (Of course, it is ignorant and juvenile to assume that the man in question is heterosexual. He may be a homosexual, which is perfectly acceptable in these liberal times we live in, or he may in fact be single and not inclined towards a sexual preference of any kind. This is understandable due to the myriad complications of long-term relationships, a result of the infinite differences between the masculine and feminine psyches.) PATIENT: Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! DOCTOR: I shall prescribe you some anti-depressant tablets, probably 20 milligrams to start with, and I shall book you an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will not be charged for his or her services, but you may have to wait up to seven weeks for your first meeting. I shall give you two prescriptions just in case, so that you don’t run the risk of running out of medication and thus relapsing. You will have to return in two months as your counsellor is unable to provide you with drugs. Have a nice day. PATIENT: Thank you, doctor. My mother will be pleased and relieved that I have finally sought your advice after many years of this inner personal anguish and turmoil. DOCTOR: You’re very welcome. Could you please send my next patient in? He should have a large beard, unless he recently has shaved it, which I consider unlikely. PATIENT: Certainly, doctor. And thank you again. What’s the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills? Smarties are a popular chocolate-based confectionery product from England, which were the inspiration for the arguably more successful M&M’s produced by Mars. Sleeping pills are flavourless narcotics that are used primarily by people suffering from afflictions such as insomnia. Another difference between the two is the repercussions of ingestion. In a large dose, Smarties can have a minor contribution to obesity, whereas a large dose – often referred to as an ‘overdose’ – of sleeping pills runs the risk of much more dangerous consequences such as immediate and fatal liver damage. It is generally accepted that sleeping pills should only be used when recommended or prescribed by a qualified doctor or chemist, but Smarties can be purchased at the majority of reputable supermarkets or corner shops. Why did the Czech tourist cross the road? Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government. How many Germans does it take to change a light-bulb? Only one. It is a simple light-bulb, not an advanced ‘home computer’. Knock Knock Who is there please? Boo I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word ‘boo’, in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case. Doctor Doctor! I think I’ve broken my leg! Yes, I’m afraid it’s a terrible break, the chances are you’ll never walk again. Why can’t women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out? They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms. How can you tell that your girlfriend’s too young for you? Often the level of rapport induced from conversations and activities is dependant on sharing mutual interests and beliefs. A significant age gap can compromise this, although it is not a concrete determiner of a relationship’s potential success. Another thing to take into account is that the legal age for consensual sex is 16, although it is often (wrongly) considered a taboo for a man of 20 years or older to date a lady who is less than 18, the minimum legal age for drinking in the United Kingdom. However, when the roles are reversed it can be considered a positive trait for a younger man to have a mature partner. What do you call a man with a tray on his head? If you are aware of his given name, you may address him with this. If he had adopted a nickname by which he is comfortable to be known, using this would also be deemed acceptable. If, however, you do not already know what his name is, ask him to kindly inform you so that you may become acquainted. You may then ask him why he has a tray on his head, and he will quite likely answer you with humility and direct earnest. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. They have a few drinks, then go to a club, where they amuse each other and those around them by completely slurring their words in their already very strong regional accents. Then they get a taxi back to the house of the Englishman as he lives nearest, and stay the night. The next morning, the Scotsman and the Irishmen walk home as they are still hungover and do not wish to risk driving. Pedantic Jokes
Krasner is perhaps best-known for The Realist’s fold-out cartoon of all the Disney characters performing every possible sex act on one another. After that, he is probably best-known for conjecturing that on the plane back from Dallas, Johnson was busy fucking JFK’s corpse in the neck to make an exit wound look like an entry wound. But my personal Krasner favorite was a throw-away of his. You see, around the time of the first manned orbital space flights, there was still a laxative-type product called Serutan , a name that was picked solely so that the slogan for the product could be: Serutan – it’s Natures spelled backwards. And there was another product called Tang – powdered frozen orange drink crystals which NASA had developed specifically for use by the astronauts. Trouble is, Tang made the astronauts gaseous and they reported this tendency toward flatulence to NASA mission control. Whereby Krasner had, in the next issue of The Realist, a statement to the effect that Tang is Fart spelled sideways. An example of real humor, courtesy Paul Krasner, founder of the now defunct Realist magazine
Lady Flight attendant: hello, would you like some headphones? Man: yeah I would, but how did you know my name was phones? A man is flying on a plane
Last time I hold a door open for someone on a plane… I held a door open for a woman and she flew out of it screaming madly
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me. The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly. The driver replied, No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years. -Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia. Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride…
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me. The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly. The driver replied, No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years. The Taxi man.
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me. The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly The driver replied, No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years. The frightened taxi driver
Last week I was on a plane flying from Boston to New York, as we are sitting there on the tarmac waiting for takeoff. The pilot comes on the intercom as says this is going to be a 30 minute flight and the temperature in New York is 50 degrees . After which he puts down the intercom, not realizing he had forgot to turn it off. You can hear everything that is happening in the cockpit. The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says what I could really use right now is: a cup of coffee and a blowjob . After he says this the stewardess books it to the cockpit, and I say: Don’t forget the coffee. Its funnier if I tell it in the first person
Last Wish Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom. The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Synagogue President. They told the Rabbi: We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests? Only one, said the Rabbi. All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon . No problem said the chief terrorist. Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you . He turned to the Cantor: You’ll be second to die. Any last requests? Only one said the Cantor. All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once . No problem , said the terrorist. He then turned to the President. You’ll be third. Any last wish? Only one , said the President. Please kill me first. My favourite Yom Kippur joke
Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It’s easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I’ll try to type phonetically. So one-a day I’m-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de plane, I fly into Italy, I take-a da bus to de hotel, I check into da hotel and I fall asleep. De next day, I wake uppa with a very hunger and I go down to de hotel rest-a-raunt. I order big-a breakfast, I order me three eggs, three bacons, and two pisses toast. De waiter he came, he put down de plate, and de plate has-a de three eggs, de three bacons, but only one piss toast. I say to waiter, What-a happen here? I order breakfast and I want two piss. The waiter say, you should go to de restroom, and I say, no, I mean I want-a two piss on de plate. De waiter say you better not piss on de plate you sonnamabitch! I not know this man two minutes, he call-a me de sonnamabitch. Anyway, I leave that restaurant and I go have a wonderful time in de city. That night, I am de very hungry again and I go to de different restaurant and I order a big-a plate-a de spaghetti and meatballs and a bottle-a de red wine. De waiter, he bring me a knife, and a spoon, but no fock. How-a I supposed to eat-a my spaghettis and I have-a no fock? I tell de waiter, I can’t eat yet, I need a fock. De waiter, he says, Malta has-a many prostitutes, and I say to him, no, no, I mean, I want-a fock on de table, and he says to me, you betta not fock on de table, you sonnamabitch! Again, a waiter call me a sonnamabitch! Anyway, now I am tired of Italy and I decide I’m-a going to go to bed. I get up to my room, and the housekeepings have been, and they change-a de linens, and I have a blanket, and a pillow, but no sheeit. I call the front desk, and I-a say to de man, I need a sheeit. He say, there is bathroom in your suite, go there, and I say, no, you no understand, I wanna sheeit on de bed, and he say, you better not sheeit on de bed, you sonnamabitch! That’s it! I have-a had it with Italy. I pack-a my bags, I go down to check out. The girl at de front desk very kind to me, but as she hand me my receipt, she say, Peace on you. I say Piss on you too, you sonnamabitch, I’m-a go back to America! TL;DR: accents are funny My Italian Grandfather’s Trip to Italy
Let’s all spare a few moments of silence for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can’t come out of his girlfriend’s flat. A Moment of Silence
Lets call them steve and bill Steve is sitting next to bill so steve leans over to bill and asks wanna have sex on a plane? Bill looks back at steve and says dude there’s no way that I’m doing that do you know how awkward that would be, eveyone would be watching us! Steve replys back look no one is even paying attention steve stands up and yells CAN I HAVE A PENCIL?! No one gives a damn they’re either reading, sleeping, or looking out of the window. So bill is convinced and they have sex on the plane. Once the plane has arived at the airport the stewardess is checking the plane to make sure that everyone has gotten off and then she notices an old man who has puked all over himself he is just covered in the filth So the stewardess walks up to him and says sir you should have asked for a bag! And the old man replys I wouldn’t dare, I saw one man ask for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass! So there’s to gay guys on a plane
Life is full of lessons. Every day we have something new to learn. But if it wasn’t for movies and TV, I’m sure I wouldn’t be as smart as I am today. So I say, thank you to Hollywood for teaching me: -that all it takes is for one person to change the world by stumbling upon a substantial, intertwined secret never uncovered before; -that all robots/aliens want to kill every human for control of the planet/beer supply; -time can be changed (Note: Timeline A may be discontinued or run parallel with Timeline B, unless Timeline C is more profitable then Timeline 616 may become rebirthed). -the human body is indestructible (tissue damage, broken bones, wounds, holes, impaled, drowning and electrocutions are all minor injuries ); -all politicians are evil, greedy people (unless it’s that one guy who isnt); -there is buried treasure under my house. I just have to solve the puzzles and find the secret passage; -sex; -humanity needs to find the hidden, all powerful (insert name of device/jewel/element) weapon to be powerful enough to take on our galactic enemies; -true love is just one zany party away; -we are or are not subjected to a global conspiracy; -yes, my neighbor does want to kill me; -having a sidekick is mandatory for adventure (note: the sidekick will not return from the adventure); -physics is just a guide; and -ordinary life sucks. Bite my shiny metal ass Thank you to Hollywood for teaching me…
Life on Earth has only months to live. Total chaos. Then the day comes, and to everyone’s shock the planet misses us, just barely. But in coming so close together the gravitational tidal forces pull destructively upon both worlds. Much of our atmosphere is ripped away into space. Chunks of the other planet are pulled from it and rain down upon the Earth, the impacts of which pump millions of tons of dust into the upper atmosphere, resulting in a near nuclear winter. But, the Earth survives. The other world is not so lucky. It’s ripped to pieces by the near collision. Centuries later, civilization has largely recovered, though adapting to a thinner, colder atmosphere has not been easy. Suddenly, first contact with alien life. A spaceship appears, envoys come to the surface. In a meeting with our representatives, an alien comments upon our damaged atmosphere. The Earth representative responds, You should see the other sky! Scientists discover a planet is on collision course with Earth.
Little Johnnie was in his 4th grade class one day when his teacher gave them an assignment. Okay kids, tonight you have a homework assignment, go home and ask your families to tell you a story that has a moral , the teacher said. The next day little Johnnie is sitting in class when he was called upon to share his moral. Do you have a story Johnnie? , she asked. Yes ma’am , he replied. My Uncle Ron told me a story of when he was in the war. He said he was in a chopper on the way to an evac zone when the chopper pilot was shot and wounded. As the chopper went down Uncle Ron found a case of whiskey and started drinking. When the chopper landed a platoon of enemy soldiers came out of the tree line and started attacking! Uncle Ron finished the last bottle of whiskey, jumped out of the chopper and killed half of the platoon with his rifle in a long heated battle. When he ran out of ammo he charged in head first and beat the other half of the platoon to death with his bare hands! He then loaded the wounded in the chopper and jumped in the pilot’s seat, with no training whatsoever he flew the chopper out of the area and to safety! Oh, uhhh, oh my. She said noticeably flustered. Well, is the moral of the story how in the face of great adversity people can overcome anything? Little Johnnie replied, Face of gre… no, the moral of the story is don’t fuck with Uncle Ron when he’s been drinking. Little Johnnie and Uncle Ron’s morals.
Little Johnny is flying a toy plane around the kitchen while his mother does the dishes. He flies around a bit and finally lands it near the sink. He says all you bitches that want to get on, get on. And all you bitches that want to get off, get off. His mother overhearing this is shocked and she says, Little Johnny you go up to your room and think about what you have done. His mother comes and lets him out of his room at the end of his required quiet time. And asks him, Do you know what you did wrong? Johnny says that he does so she lets him go play. Little Johnny continues flying his toy plane around the kitchen and lands it near the sink once again. This time he says, all you fuckers that want to get on, get on. And all you fuckers that want to get off, get off. His mother once again is shocked and she says, Little Johnny I thought you knew what you did wrong, now go back up to your room and think about what you have done. His mother comes and lets him out of his room after the required quiet time. And asks him, Now do you know what you did wrong? Johnny says that he does so she lets him go play. Little Johnny once again flies his toy plane around the kitchen and lands it near the sink for a third time. This time he says, all you nice people that want to get on, get on. And all you nice people that want to get off, get off; and if you have any questions ask the bitch at the sink! Toy plane
Little Kid: Were almost home now they just have to park the plane. His Dad: Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up. I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad’s family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke. A plane just landed…
Little Suzy was driving her mom crazy one day so mom sent her next door to watch as a new house was being built. Suzy stayed until mom called her home. Well did you learn anything new today Suzy? mom asked. I sure did. I learned that when that damn board don’t fit you grab the plane & shave a cunt hair off here & there to make that cocksucker fit. My my, wait until your dad hears this, mom said. When dad gets home mom tells him what Suzy said. Dad says, Suzy go outside a get me a switch. Suzy replies, Fuck you. That is the electrician’s job. Little Suzy was driving her mom crazy
look right and left for cars and motorcycles,look up for airplanes and private jets,down for bombs, side and back for kidnappers, hold your bags tight and watch the person beside you then walk zigzag to avoid bullets How to cross the road in Nigeria
Looked pretty plane to me. I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.
Looking for the old joke about several pilots bragging about their flight altitudes (?), and then the last one one-upping them all. [REQUEST]: Looking for Altitude Competition Flying Joke
looking terribly beat up, and when his wife asks him what happened he tells her A crazy man assaulted me on the plane! He was trying to ass rape me, and he was HUGE so my only other option was to jump off the plane! His wife asks Oh my god! Did you jump?! and the man replies Well yeah…a little…at first. A man comes home from a trip…
Low flying airplane noises. When do we want them? #NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww Edit: I just caught up to the news. Man. I can’t help but chuckle (and shake my head at the same time) at the inappropriateness and [bad timing](https://www.reddit.com/live/wy0st0j6out0). That was obviously a terrible coincidence. Just wow. What do we want?
Lowrey’s Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lowrey’s Law of Expertise Just when you get really good at something, you don’t need to do it any more. Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology There’s always one more bug. Lubin’s Law If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing. Luce’s Law No good deed goes unpunished. Lucy’s Law The alternative to getting old is depressing. Luten’s Laws 1. When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you’re away and get nothing done, there’s another week when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 2. It’s not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you’re off the ground. Lyall’s Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. Lyall’s Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that’s missing. Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. Lyon’s Law of Hesitation: He who hesitates is last. Madison’s Question: If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first-class? Rev. Mahaffy’s Observation: There’s no such thing as a large whiskey. Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. (Compensation Corollary) Malek’s Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Malinowski’s Law: Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. Malloy’s Maxim: The fact that monkeys have hands should give us pause. The first Myth of Management It exists. Truths of Management: – 1. Think before you act; it’s not your money. – 2. All good management is the expression of one great idea. – 3. No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong. – 4. Cash in must exceed cash out. – 5. Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs. – 6. Either an executive can do his job or he can’t. – 7. If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don’t do it. – 8. If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly. – 9. If you are attempting the impossible, you will fail. – 10. The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it. Truth 5.1 of Management: Organizations always have too many managers. Manly’s Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Mark’s mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Marshall’s Generalized Iceberg Theorem: Seven-eighths of everything can’t be seen. Marshall’s Universal Laws of Perpetual Perceptual Obfuscation: 1. Nobody perceives anything with total accuracy. 2. No two people perceive the same thing identically. 3. Few perceive what difference it makes — or care. Martha’s Maxim (and see Olum’s Observation and Farrow’s Finding): If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower. Dean Martin’s Definition of Drunkenness: You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Martin-Berthelot Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. Martin’s Laws of Academia: 1. The faculty expands its activity to fit whatever space is available, so that more space is always required. 2. Faculty purchases of equipment and supplies always increase to match the funds available, so these funds are never adequate. 3. The professional quality of the faculty tends to be inversely proportional to the importance it attaches to space and equipment. Martin’s Law of Committees: All committee reports conclude that it is not prudent to change the policy (or procedure, or organization, or whatever) at this time. Martin’s Exclusion: Committee reports dealing with wages, salaries, fringe benefits, facilities, computers, employee parking, libraries, coffee breaks, secretarial support, etc., always call for dramatic expenditure increases. Martin’s Law of Communication: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communication between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Martin’s Minimax Maxim: Everyone knows that the name of the game is to let the other guy have all of the little tats and to keep all of the big tits for yourself. Matsch’s Law: It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. Matsch’s Maxim: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a small mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. Matz’s warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble. Maugham’s Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best. May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves). May’s Mordant Maxim: A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor. McCarthy’s Law: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important. McClaughry’s Law of Public Policy: Politicians who vote huge expenditures to alleviate problems get re-elected; those who propose structural changes to prevent problems get early retirement. McClaughry’s Law of Zoning: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down. McDonald’s Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them. McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager. McGovern’s Law: The longer the title, the less important the job. McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur. McKenna’s Law: When you are right, be logical. When you are wrong, be-fuddle. McLaughlin’s Law (and see Parson’s Third Law): The length of any meeting is inversely proportional to the length of the agenda for that meeting. McLean’s Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don’t think. The other is that they do. McNaughton’s Rule: Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated. Margaret Mead’s Law of Human Migration: At least fifty percent of the human race doesn’t want their mother-in-law within walking distance. Melcher’s Law: In a bureaucracy, every routing slip will expand until it contains the maximum number of names that can be typed in a single vertical column. H. L. Mencken’s Law: Those who can — do. Those who cannot — teach. Those who cannot teach — administrate. (Martin’s Extension) Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong. Merkin’s Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue. Merrill’s First Corollary: There are no winners in life; only survivors. Merrill’s Second Corollary: In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road. Meskimen’s Laws: 1) When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 2) There’s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Michehl’s Theorem: Less is more. Pastore’s Comment on Michehl’s Theorem: Nothing is ultimate. Mickelson’s Law of Falling Objects: Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end. Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. Mills’s Law of Transportation Logistics: The distance to the gate from which your flight departs is inversely proportional to the time remaining before the scheduled departure of the flight. Corollaries (Woods): 1) This remains true even as you rush to catch the flight. 2) From this it follows that you are invariably rushing the wrong way. MIST Law (Man In The Street): The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action. Mobil’s Maxim: Bad regulation begets worse regulation. Moer’s Truism: The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog. Money Maxim: Money isn’t everything. (It isn’t plentiful, for instance.) Montagu’s Maxim: The idea is to die young as late as possible. Morley’s Conclusion: No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. Morton’s Law: If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ( What this country needs are some stronger white rats. ) Mosher’s Law: It’s better to retire too soon than too late. Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it. Murchison’s Law of Money: Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does a lot of good. But if you pile it up in one place, it stinks like hell. Nader’s Law: The speed of exit of a civil servant is directly proportional to the quality of his service. NASA Skylab Rule: Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. NASA Truisms: 1. Research is reading two books that have never been read in order to write a third that will never be read. 2. A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 3. Statistics are a highly logical and precise method for saying a half-truth inaccurately. Law of Nations: In an underdeveloped country, don’t drink the water; in a developed country, don’t breathe the air. Navy Law: If you can keep your head when all about you others are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation. Evvie Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it. Nessen’s Law: Secret sources are more credible. Newman’s Law: Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. Newman’s Observation: The first shall be last and the last shall be first. But if you’re in the middle, you’re stuck there. Newton’s Little-known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Nick the Greek’s Law: All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against. Nienberg’s Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Nies’s Law: The effort expended by the bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error. Ninety-ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Nixon’s Rule: If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Nobel Effect: There is no proposition, no matter how foolish, for which a dozen Nobel signatures cannot be collected. Furthermore, any such petition is guaranteed page-one treatment in the New York Times. Noble’s Law of Political Imagery: All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. Corollary: Given a choice between two bald political candidates, the American people will vote for the less bald of the two. North Carolina Equine Paradox: Vyarzerzomanimororsezassezanzerareorses? No. 3 Pencil Principle: Make it sufficiently difficult for people to do something, and most people will stop doing it. Corollary: If no one uses something, it isn’t needed. Nursing Mother Principle: Do not nurse a kid who wears braces. Nyquist’s Theory of Equilibrium: Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel. Oaks’s Unruly Laws for Lawmakers: 1. Law expands in proportion to the resources available for its enforcement. 2. Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 3. Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws. Murphy… strikes.
Luke and Leia are on a mission to a remote Rebel base when they receive a distress call from the Millennium Falcon. Tracing its homing beacon, they discover that the ship is stranded on a planet called Zalporin, on the other side of the galaxy. I’ve heard of this world, Leia says, gravely concerned. It’s an inhospitable, barren hunk of rock. We must hurry! But even at top speed, it takes their X-Wing over a week to reach Zalporin. They follow the Falcon’s signal to an isolated spot on the Northern Hemisphere. When they land, they find Han sitting in front of a campfire, eating. But instead of being happy to see them, he barely acknowledges their presence. Han, are you alright? asks Leia. We thought you’d starved to death! Did you catch an animal? What is the meat like? Han looks up at them with tears in his eyes and says, It’s Chewy! Zalporin
Major Turbulence is hitting a Delta flight hard, and the engines start failing, the plane starts diving into the ocean, the flight attendants tell everyone to remain calm, they tell them once they hit the sea, they can swim to shore, and to those who cannot swim, Thank you for choosing Delta. Flight Troubles
Make it a Malaysian airlines flight. How do you prevent 9/11?
Malayasia flight 404 not found. My brother told me this today.
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 What did the divers find the sunken Korean ferry had hit?
Malaysian Airlines announced today that they had mistakenly purchased Aerobus submarines and are hoping to recoup some of their loss when they trade them in on actual planes. Breaking news from Malaysian Airlines…
Man entering airport door sideways bound to Bangkok Confucius says
Man is at the airport going through security. As he passes this woman at the TSA check point. He says to her. Has any one told you how pretty you look today. She replies why thank you. He replies maybe buy the end of the day someone will. Short cut.
Man is desperate for a shit on the plane but the men’s room is occupied. The stewardess says Go ahead and use the women’s room, but don’t press those buttons marked WW, PP, and ATR. The man sits there shitting and gets curious. He presses WW and warm water washes his ass. Ahh…that was nice, I’ll press PP. A soft powder puff dries his ass. That was even better, I will try ATR He wakes up in the hospital and panics. The nurse comes running. What happened? How did I get here? The nurse goes You just had to press ATR, Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow. Man is desperate for a shit…
Man walks into a pet shop, goes up to the owner and says Hiya mate, I’m looking to get a pet. The owner says to him Alright, what kind of pet? Well, I want something original. I’ve had hunners of pets, had dogs, had cats, had hamsters, had fish, I’m looking for something different . What about a turtle? No I’ve had 15 turtles! Something original! What about a lizard? Nae a fecking Lizard! I’ve had heaps of lizards I’ve got lizards coming out my fecking ears! Something different, something exciting! What about a monkey, they’re pretty original and exciting. Original?! I’ve had mair monkeys then I’ve had shags! Unless you can offer me something that no one else has got, then I’m walking out this shop! The shopkeeper thought to himself silently, and then said; There is one thing I can offer you. The man was interested. I’m interested he said. First off you have to promise not to tell anyone you got it here. Aye nae bother! Let’s see it! So the shopkeeper took the man to the back of the store. There was a door covered with locks and chains. Slowly the shopkeeper took off each chain and unlocked each lock. He then opened the door and revealed a small room. In a dimly lit corner of the room there was a majestic polar bear, tied up with a chain around it’s neck, breathing heavily as it slept. Brilliant! Exclaimed the man. I don’t care fit the price is, I’m having that polar bear! The man and the shopkeeper did the deal, the man took the polar bear by the rope and started to leave the shop. Then the shopkeeper shouted at him Wait! I almost forgot. There is one thing you must remember. Never, ever touch the polar bear on the nose. God help you if you do. Nae problem! Said the man as he toddled off. Don’t touch him on the nose, easy peasy. So the man walked casually down the street with the polar bear, naebody gave them a second look, people are used to seeing this type of stuff. They waited at the bus stop, when the bus came he argued with the driver that the polar bear should get on for free. Begrudgingly paid for himself and the polar bear, took their seats on the bus, and eventually, got home. The man tied the polar bear up in his kitchen, and stared at the beast in awe. Brilliant, me and this polar bear are gonna have so much fun. We’ll go for walks, we’ll play fetch, we’ll have bathtime. It’ll be great . The man went to his bed that night dreaming of polar bears. When he got up in the morning, he ran downstairs to see if the polar bear was up. He ran into the kitchen but was disappointed to see the polar bear was still fast asleep. He went back often that day, but the polar bear never awoke. I’ll just give him time, maybe he’s tired and needs a rest. The next morning the man awoke and ran to the kitchen. But the bear was still asleep. The next morning, the same thing. The next morning, bear still snoring. Morning after that, bears sitting there reading the morning paper. Next morning, bears asleep. This is useless. What’s the point in having a polar bear if it doesn’t do anything! The man exclaimed. I wonder what the shopkeeper meant would happen if I touched it’s nose … The man pondered. It couldn’t be anything that bad. Slowly, the man approached the bear. The bear was snoring heavily, it’s sharp teeth dripping drool from the side of it’s mouth. The man wiped sweat from his brow as he stood face to face with the beast. Slowly, he reached out his hand, and tapped the bear on the nose. Nothing. No reaction from the bear whatsoever. Fit the fu- Suddenly the bears eyes opened wide. It appeared startled at first, but then saw the man. The bear started to growl, and stood tall, pounding it’s paws of the ground. Awww, shite! said the man as he started to walk towards the door. All of a sudden the chain ripped from the bears neck. He was free to charge at the man. The man turned and ran out of the house, and locked the door behind him. He was sweating with fear, he could hear the polar bear banging on the other side of the door. The man considered his options. He saw his car and decided to jump in and just start driving, he would worry about where he was going later.* *If at this point in the story you’re wondering why, if the man had a car, he took the bus to the pet shop, it’s because parking prices for the city centre are absolutely extortionate. The man turned the ignition on, slammed his foot on the pedal, and the car slammed into his house and destroyed his bathroom. Shite! The man yelled as brown shitey water sprayed from what used to be his toilet all over his car. Left it in fucking reverse! The man changed gears and drove away. As he drove he caught a glimpse of the polar bear drinking the brown shitey water from what used to be the toilet. The man puked a little. He kept driving, considering where he should go. The airport! I’ll get away, stay abroad for a few days, wait for the polar bear to wander off, then it will all be fine. The man began to relax, he had it all worked out in his head. He looked out his rear-view mirror, and his jaw dropped. He saw running on the road, the polar bear, drool coming from it’s mouth. The man sped up but the polar bear kept running, it got faster and faster, closer and closer. The polar bear was in touching distance of the car. The man suddenly slammed on the breaks, as the car ground to a halt the polar bear ran head first into the bumper and fell back. The man laughed as he drove away to the airport, leaving the polar bear on the side of the road. The man got to the airport, ran inside, and looked for the first plane out of the country. There was a flight departing in 20 minutes for Cuba. The man went to the counter, pulled out his credit card, and bought a one way ticket. He went through security, into customs, bought a kit kat, a bottle of Coke, and a Take A Break, and boarded the flight. It’s all going to be okay. The man thought, as he sat at his window seat on the plane. The plane began to take off, and the man decided it would be nice to have a view of the ground. He lifted the window blind (you know the shitey wee plastic things you get on a plane) and was terrified to see, on the wing of the plane, the polar bear, with his face pressed up against the window staring at the man. The man yelped, and pulled the blind back down. How the fuck The man thought to himself. The plane was shaking with the force of taking off. it’ll be fine, there is no way he will survive the whole plane journey out there. The plane evened out, and the man slowly opened the blind again, the polar bear was still there, face pressed up against the window. The man pulled the blind back down again. Ho-lee-crap. The man thought, as he slumped in his seat. There was nothing that he could do but wait it out. He kept checking every 10 minutes or so, but every time the bear was still there at the window, face pressed up against the glass, staring at the man. The man drifted off, and awoke several hours later. He opened the blind but the bear was still there, staring. Jesus! That bear is determined! The man mumbled. He felt his stomach rumble. He looked about for his kit kat but couldn’t see it anywhere. He peered out the window. The polar bear was grinning, as it unwrapped the mans kit kat and slowly ate it, savouring every chocolaty bite. Son of a bitch The man cursed, under his breath. He pulled the blind back down and sighed. He could feel the plane coming in to land. What was he going to do? He decided he would just have to get off the plane as fast as possible and run. As the plane grounded to a stop the man jumped over people, squeezed his way through. He barged past a young couple, then yelled PISS OFF! at an old lady at the front as he knocked her to the ground. He jumped from the plane and started running. He heard the thud of the polar bear as it jumped from the wing and started chasing him. This was it, the man thought. He couldn’t get away from the bear. He couldn’t outrun it. He didn’t even know where he was going. He soon found himself at a dead end. He turned and gulped. The polar bear stood there, towering over the man. It had the look of a hunter in it’s eyes, and drool in it’s mouth. Why the fuck did I have to tap it on the nose! The man thought, as the polar bear slowly approached him, growling under it’s breath. The man felt warm liquid trickle down his leg as he cowered in the corner. The bear stood over the man, sniffed at him. The man started to cry. The polar bear roared. The man felt excrement build in his pants. In one swift movement, the polar bear lifted it’s paw high above the man It brought it’s paw swinging down The paw connected with the mans shoulder, as the polar bear yelled TIG! YOU’RE IT! My little brother told me this joke in 2011 and I still read it to cheer me up!
Man who walk through airport sideways going to Bangkok. Confucius say…
Many days after their plane crashed into the ocean. They are almost immediately aggresively approached by the indigenous population and surrounded. The chief appears and tells them he will let them live if they can pass his test, but first each person must go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of fruit. The 3 captives make their way into the jungle. Some time passes and one of the captives appears out of the jungle carrying 10 apples. The chief now explains the test. The captive must insert all the pieces of fruit into his own butt without showing any emotion be it pleasure or pain. Failure to do so results in death. The first captive begins inserting the apples into his butt. He gets the first apple in with little to no effort. Halfway through inserting the second apple he winces in pain, failing the test. The chief cuts the captive’s head off. The second captive emerges from the jungle carrying 10 berries. The chief explains the test and the captive begins inserting the berries into his butt. Berries 1 through 9 slide into his butt with ease. As he inserts the the 10th and final berry he bursts out laughing, failing the test. The chief chops his head off. The second captive meets the first in the afterlife. The first asks the second, it looks like you almost had it. Why did you start laughing? The second guy responds, I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy emerge from the jungle carrying pineapples. 3 guys wash up onto a beach…
Many Engineering teachers were invited to a flight, after they all took seat they were told that the plane they were in was entirely built by their students, Every one of the teachers quickly panicked got up and tried to exit the plane desperately but one of them was quiet and appeased he said: I Know exactly what my students can be capable of, so im confident as hell this shit won’t even start . Everything is about confidence.
Maximilian Steel was a space-criminal, one of the biggest scumbags in Andromeda-9 since the arrest of the notorious gangster Forty-Eyes. Steel was known for holding up large transportation shuttles and demanding ransom. It was no surprise that after years of dodging the Intergalactic Police Force, Steel managed to develop a hefty amount of money. On July 4, 3055, Steel revealed a massive construct the size of the Moon, on it was a weapon with great concentrated power that could destroy a planet. The weapon was pointed at the capital of the Milky Way galaxy — Earth-6, a behemoth, terraformed Jupiter, the center of governance and knowledge in the galaxy. Steel broadcasted to this massive planet, and demanded 300 trillion quarsecs or else the entire planet would be decimated. Helpless to do anything, the planet gave into Steel’s demands and decided to give him all the money. Steel, being the scum that he was, fired his massive weapon anyways. The massive weapon was a beam of pure concentrated plutonium, with a power to destroy the planet in 30 minutes. The planet’s military was in a panic, scrambling fighter ships and sending them in the hopes of destroying the weapon before it could do more damage. One fighter by the name of Jet had the idea of making the plutonium beam impact another object in space before reaching Earth-6. He thought of sending his fuel-cells in the line of the weapon, burning the plutonium in process and causing an explosion in space. Jet shot up into space, with the plutonium mass approaching him at a high speed. Jet threw his fuel-cells at the plutonium, but it’s far too much power for the cells to handle… Jet’s fuel can’t melt Steel’s beam. Maximilian Steel threatened to destroy the world…
me too, that’s why I use a plane. My girlfriend has trouble with flying
Me: I know what planet has a black hole! Mom: Which one? Me: Uranus Something I told my mom when I was 6…
Meaning that it involved the mass mobilization of a country’s resources. Britain was one of the nations that really felt the effects of the so called total war , as civilians played a greater role in the military than ever before. Even though they were geographically separated from the rest of Europe, they were hit hard by the war. German shipping blockades cut off foreign supply, which meant that supplies had to be rationed, and many raw materials went towards the war effort, used in industrial production. This led to a shortage of some fabrics such as silk and cotton.Additionally, the British government demanded food rations be given to its people. As a result, many nutritional foods were scarce. In response to the scarcity of fabric for clothing production, a British sheep farmer named Calvin Broadus invented a new type of fabric, which he called tweed . This fabric was made of wool, but the British military found no practical use for it in the war effort. Due to the abundance of sheep in the United Kingdom, farmers everywhere started producing tweed, as Broadus’ method was circulated rapidly by the British government. As with the military, British civilians found few practical uses of the new wonder material . It had poor insulation, was rough to wear, and it shrunk easily when washed, and most importantly didn’t look fashionable. It seemed as though the war drained British creativity too, as fashion designers could find no suitable design with tweed. They settled with creating plaid designs with a few dull colors, since these could be produced more efficiently. As the war moved on, Germany’s control of mainland Europe and the water around Britain decreased. With the Americans now in the war, Britain’s military centered industry (some would say a precursor the military industrial complex) had a break. The United States, with its large amount of resources, picked up some of the slack, reducing Britain’s quota of war production. This meant good news for the British textile industry, which was reduced to producing for the war. Upper class British people could afford to buy expensive fabrics that were not available to them, such as the cotton and silk mentioned above. However, since the war was still going on, these materials were extremely expensive, so only British aristocrats could buy them. In addition, excess tweed manufacturing gave Britain a surplus- they were left with more of this useless fabric than ever. British families were given large amounts of tweed. Some people tried making the tweed into useful items, like blankets, but due to its poor ductility, it took a long time to manufacture them. With British men in the military, women took up manufacturing jobs, in addition to their duties at home, which meant they were left with little time to deal with their surplus of tweed at home. Women in London first discovered a useful application of tweed. By sheer luck, historians claim, these women discovered that burning a strand of tweed for a long time over a fire would produce a fibrous strand that was edible and nutritious. Scientists today found out that this product was nutritious due to ammonium nitrate in the sheeps’ grazing land. The process of creating this fibrous food was still long, and it took about 12 hours. In order to increase efficiency (we see a pattern here), various women would prepare this in bulk amounts in city parks. During this time period, you would see bonfires throughout open spaces in the city, since British women were burning fabric. However, historians have discovered no pictures of these events, since the British government forbade photography (or destroyed photos) of this process as not to reveal secrets to the enemy. The British military saw a problem in the post-tweed manufacturing process. German planes would be able to spot cities since there were large tweed bonfires as the process of making the fibrous food extended past daytime. So, the British government mandated that tweed production into food would only occur during the day, as not to assist the nighttime German blitzkriegs. This was seen as only a mild inconvenience to city-dwelling British people, but it still took all day, from sunrise to sunset, to produce this food. In 1945, this process died out, since the war ended. This is why you do not see people doing this today. Due to the effectiveness of British intelligence, this process had been relatively unknown to foreigners. This changed, when in 1996 a man named Cordozar Broadus was walking his dog in a park in Manchester. They reached a heavily wooded section of the park, and his curious, but nosy dog unearthed a series of tools that were used in the tweed refining process. Broadus remembered seeing his father’s war notes after snooping around in the attic. His father’s extremely detailed notes described the procedure of tweed production. The inspired Broadus decided to do more research into the subject, but he was shut down by the British government. In 1998, Broadus, now a musical artist, decided to slowly reveal this secret, in an album, but under an alias (so the government wouldn’t suspect him). To credit his mischievous mutt, he used the pseudonym Snoop Dogg , and released his single, Smoke Tweed Everyday. Did you know that World War II was classified as a total war by historians? [OC]
Michael: Dave is so brave! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute! John: Ohh is it true? Where did you get the news? Michael: From his funeral. The Parachuteless Dave
mick from Donegal was a test pilot during th second world war. He caused so many problems that the powers that be were relieved when they managed to get him sent to the far east to fight the japs. One day Micks ship was attacked by squadrons of zero’s. Mick took off under heavy fire using superior flying skills he cleared the skies of the enemy. After performing a loop the loop and a victory roll he performed a perfect landing he swaggered up to the bridge and asked the captain what he thought of that, the captain looked him up and down and replied velly funee you Ilish bastad. the irish test pilot
Midway through the flight, the pilot has a stroke and the plane starts to go down. There are only three parachutes on board and the four passengers quickly discuss who of them will take them. Immediately the Donald says, I’m the first human orange to be nominated for president, I should be given the chance to live! He quickly grabs the first chute, slings it on his back, and hops out of the plane. Before anyone can say anything, Hillary runs her arm through a shoulder strap and says, I must be given the opportunity to live. I’m the smartest lady in the world and my people need me. Without a moment of hesitation she leaps out of the aircraft. At this point, the plane is beginning to dive. Bernie is in complete shock and horror. He looks out the door after them and begins, Listen, we don’t have much time left. I’ve lived a long and happy life and I want the same for you. You go ahead and take the last-… but he stops when he turns to see a timid smile on the little girl’s face. What is it? he asks her. With a giggle she replies, Mr. Sanders, we can both use parachutes. The smartest lady in the world just took my backpack. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and a young girl all board a small plane…
Military history class. We have this one guy in class who doesn’t really say much and tends to keep to himself; just figured one of those ‘man of few words’ kinda guys. One day, we were discussing the planes used in WW2. Ensuing discussion goes as such Professor: So what planes did we have during that time? Student 1: Well we had the Cobra and Mustang Professor: Ok and what did the Japanese have? Student 2: Japanese had zeros Professor: And what was the main difference between us and them? Quiet kid: We didn’t crash as much The professor tried to keep it together but started rolling, dropped his marker, and said ‘Class dismissed’. We had 20 minutes left. Thanks quiet kid Quiet guy in class had this gem of a response
Miss Caroline’s 6th grade world history class is taking a unit on WWII. The teacher said that if anyone had veterans from the war in their family, ask them to come to class and speak about their experiences. Some students felt they needed this to be a bit more with their time, so the teacher offered bonus points for whoever wished to get someone to speak. Tommy ran home that day and phoned his grandfather. He asked him if he would like to come and speak about WWII I’m front of his class. His grandfather agreed and Tommy happily went out the rest of his day. The next class, Tommy’s grandfather was in the front of the classroom preparing to speak. Teacher : Alright class, please welcome Mr. Schwartz, who will be speaking about his experiences during WWII. Grandfather : Thank you miss. Now how many of you would like to hear an action story? Almost all of the students shot up their hands. Grandfather : Alrighty then. It was a gloomy day, I was in my airplane with top secret information. I looked around to see almost clear skies. Then I spotted them. Three Fokkers. One behind and on either side. The class began to giggle and Miss Caroline blushed Grandfather : Now I kept my cool and did a loop de loop to get behind em. That’s when I fired. Bang Bang Bang! The direct hits. One of the Fokkers down, two more to go. At this the class burst into laughter Teacher : Now class, Fokker is an airplane manufacturer isn’t that right Mr. Schwartz? Grandfather : Huh? Oh yes that is correct. However, these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts. Tommy’s grandfather
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d really like to ride in that helicopter.’ Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’ One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’ The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’ Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars! Fifty dollars is Fifty dollars!
Most men aren’t interested in **plane** women. Why are air hostesses bad at dating?
Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes? The mother stumbled and didn’t have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, I don’t know sweetie, why don’t you go ask that nice flight attendant, I’m sure she’ll have an answer. So the little girl goes up the the flight attendant and asks, If big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes? Immediately the flight attendant is suspicious, Did your mother tell you to come over here and ask me that? … Yep , answers the little girl. So the flight attendant thinks on it for a few seconds then kneels down to the daughters level. You go over there and you tell your mother it’s because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time. 🙂 Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane…
Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says watch this …… Pilot to control tower……hey there Hillbilly, guess who!! Control tower switches off the airport lights….. Control tower to pilot……. Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!* A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane. His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes. After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don’t they? Those are ants, answered his friend. We’re still on the ground. First Flight
Mr. Smith immigrated to the United States as a young man and fulfilled the immigrant’s dream: He started up his own nail factory in Brooklyn, bought a nice house, sent his kids to college, even put the oldest son through Harvard Business School. When the young man graduated, Smith patted him on the back and said, Jimmy, you’re the smart one. I’m turning the business over to you and retiring to Miami Beach. A year later he got an excited call from his son. Dad, things are going great: I’ve computerized inventory, automated the factory, even got a great new ad campaign going. You’ve got to come see it with your own eyes. So the young man picked him up at the airport, and just before they reached the factory a huge billboard loomed up. In huge let- ters, beneath a close-up of Jesus on the cross, it read USE SMITH’S NAILS FOR THE TOUGHEST JOBS. Jimmy, groaned Mr. Smith, that’s the new ad campaign? I’m telling you, the public’s never gonna go for it. A year later Jimmy informed him that things at the factory were going very well. Come on up and check it out, Dad, he urged. Oh, and by the way, you were right about that ad campaign. We’ve got a whole new one running now. So Mr. Smith flew up again, and on the way in from the airport spotted the same huge billboard. Only this time the picture showed Jesus crumpled at the foot of the cross, and the slogan read, YOU SHOULD HAVE USED SMITH’S NAILS. Dad, things are going great..
Musical Tale: The Queen left Europe to escape the War. As a Foreigner in Boston, she evaded the Police by traveling in Cars and sleeping in a Firehouse. Yes, she moved to the Styx for a while before taking a Jefferson Airplane to Chicago. There she found a Loverboy who suggested they Journey to Kansas. After a bad Kiss, they split and she and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Then she met a Prince, fell in love, and Wham! our story is over. Musical Tale: The Queen left Europe to escape the War. As a Foreigner in Boston,
Must be thinking about the flight home already. Knock knock!
Must be thinking about the flight home already. The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous
My cousin was on leave after basic training and came home to see all of the family. He was in basic training to become a paratrooper, just like his father and grandfather. The only problem was that he was deathly afraid of heights. Upon arrival we all gathered around to hear him tell us how it went: Well, after some training on the ground we all got in a little plane and took off. I was lined up at the back of the first wave. As we reached the optimal altitude, the drill instructor shouted, ‘First wave, go, go!’ I got to the open doorway and froze. The drill instructor grabbed me and threw me to the back of the plane. Minutes later the second wave went and the drill instructor and I were the only ones left in the back of the plane. He shouted again, ‘Go boy, go!’ But I couldn’t. I was terrified. He finally yelled at me, ‘Boy, if you don’t jump out of this plane right now I’m going to fuck you in the ass! At this point all of the family was hanging on every word. My little sister asked, Did you jump, did you jump? Well yea, a little. Paratrooper Training
My dad died during 9/11. He was driving a plane. Late 9/11 joke.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’ She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’ To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!’ My flight was being served
My friend Andrew met a girl in the pub last night, and they ended up going home together. Tonight the girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees Andrew…He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves. Andrew you lying bastard she yells last night you told me you were a stunt pilot! No he says I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team. Stunt pilot?
My friend who is terrified of flying just texted me that hes flying to chicago for thanksgiving and that the radio is playing glycerin by bush and how it reminds him of 8th grade. Then i answer: if the plane starts going down maybe they will play everything zen! Bush
My girlfriend and I were sitting on a plane heading towards america, she kept on nagging at me telling me to get a new phone, (old nokia brick) Then she kept on repeating, get a new one get a new one!!!! Finally i gave into the temptation and got a new girlfriend. My girlfriend wants me to get a new phone
my grandfather told me a heartwarming story about a safari ranger an elephant, so I’m here to retell this story to you. One day, whilst out on patrol, Safari Park Ranger Kobus Du Plessis heard a faint trumpeting off in the distance. To him it sounded distressed, and using all of his years of experience as a Park Ranger, Kobus understood the cry as a cry of a young baby elephant. He knew that this baby wouldn’t be alone if something dire was wrong with, unless his herd had fled the area. As soon as this came to mind he revved his engine and drove toward the sound, racing and flying over rocks and stumps, through tall golden grass and past the other animals who lifted their heads in bewilderment. When Kobus arrived at the scene, he found that he was correct. A baby elephant, no more than a few days old was stuck in a poachers trap. Its leg was bleeding and its foot was out of place, peices of bone protruding from the thick hide. The ranger raced over to it and held its head as he radioed for assistance. Within minutes a helicopter carrying three vets and a hoist decended on his position, their tools and understanding of the animal brought to bear as they worked feverishly trying to free the creature from certain death. Kobus stayed with the creature, stroking its head and cooling it with water he used from his own supply. After an hour of mending and making arrangements, the hoist was attached to the elephant and the helicopter started its engines. As the blades spun, they whipped up a furious storm of sand and grass, Kobus shielded his eyes with his hand as he watched the crew take it to safety. It would be weeks before he saw the creature again, but when he did, it was standing and walking around, playing with the others elephants which were also abandoned by their herd and needed to be moved to another enclosure. Kobus arrived at the medical centre and walked through the doors, he heard the familar sound of the elephants trumpet, he thought he could discern it from the others and when he walked up to the cage area, sure enough the elephant was there, playing. Amazingly, the moment he walked through the door, the baby looked at him and almost smiled an elephant-y smile, raising its small trunk up and waving with an almost perfect humanity… Kobus spent the next few months tending the creature, learning its ways and mannerisms, believing himself to be joined, in spirit, with the animal. When the creature had grown bigger, and stronger, it was transferred to another pen. The vets told Kobus that this pen was used for Zoo transfers and that this elephant was to be shipped off to London Zoo in a couple of days. Although he was sad, Kobus knew that it was for the best, both for the park and for the animal. And so the time came when the people for the London Zoo arrived to take the elephant away… it was a sad day but a necessary one nevertheless. The not-so-baby elephant was lead through the yard toward the truck it would be transferred in. Kobus walked along side it, patting its side and looking into the eyes of the beast. They say an elephant never forgets, Kobus knew he would never forget this elephant for as long as he lived. As the creature walked up the ramp, it turned its head and gave the same human-like wave with its truck that it had done every time Kobus has come in to visit. A tear ran down his cheek, but the ranger knew it was for the best. Twenty years past and Kobus had become an older man. the light which flared in his eyes now dimmed and his energy was all but gone. Retirement was all but at his doorstep, and the park wanted to give him something special. So, they paid for him to go to London, all expenses paid from Zimbabwe to London. Kobus knew what he would do there. He knew who he was going to see. The day came and his flight was nearly boarding. He had waited 20 years for this day, and now it had finally arrived. The flight was long and boring, but Kobus never lost sight of why he was going and when the plane landed the first thing he did was jump in a taxi and yell London Zoo please! As fast as it would take him, the taxi sped away. After a few minutes drive the great metal sign London Zoo came into view and his youth returned. Even though he was old, the old Ranger did all he could to run and find his elephant. The paths of the Zoo winded and wove in and out of each different area, from the squawking birds to the howling monkeys and then eventually, finally, he heard it. The familiar sound of his friend the elephant. As he rushed over the old ranger heard it again and his speed increased. The enclosure was a stories drop into the ground, surrounded by a moat and covered in the same golden grasses which Kobus drove through on that fateful day. He leant over the side and saw an elephant, old in the eyes and big in the tusks. He smiled at Kobus, lifting his trunk and waving in an almost human way. Incredible. the old ranger couldnt help himself, and he jumped into the enclosure, landing in the green water full of algae and elephant faecal matter. he didnt care. Kobus swam through the muck and came upon dry land, breathing heavily. When he got up, he saw that a crowd of people and staff had encircled the enclosure, some with worried looks on their faces, others with anger and walkie-talkies on theirs. Kobus Du Plessis walked up to the grazing beast. Its eyes were familar and its smell was also. He ran his hand along its side and patted him affectionately. Unfortunately for Kobus, the elephant grabbed him with its large thick truck, picked him up and threw him across the enclosure to the gasps and awe of the crowd. The trumpeting was the last thing he heard before everything went black and dark. When Kobus awoke in the hospital three days later, he looked at his broken body and sighed to himself… I guess Elephants DO forget… An elephant never forgets…
My grandmother told me this joke many times. It actually happened to her. Enjoy! In the mid-1970’s, my grandma loved to travel. She would go all over the world. She landed in China after a long flight, and exited the plane to go claim her baggage. As she was minding her business waiting in line, all of a sudden she gets knocked over by someone. My grandma fell to the floor immediately. After she fell, she looked up at the guy responsible for pushing her over and angrily said Excuse me?! Where did you come from?! . The man looks at her and says Poland . A hilarious Polish joke my grandmother told me.
My Halloween costume is an Undead Stand-up Comedian. I need all your undead, Halloween, zombie, vampire, hell, ghoul, masked killer jokes you have. Currently my best bit is How’d I die? Well I was performing a set at an airport longue and it didn’t go too well. I bombed so hard the TSA mistook me for ISIS. [Meta] I need your Halloween jokes.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Disclaimer: Reposted from 5 years ago. I hate my job…
