Three ducks in a pond There were three ducks in the pond that all got arrested. On their day in court the first duck approaches the bench. The judge askes: what were you doing in the public pond? Duck 1: I was only blowing bubbles Judge: Well you can’t do that so I will give you 3 days in jail and $50 fine. Duck 2 approaches the bench… Judge: Why did you get arrested in the public pond? Duck 2: I too was blowing bubbles in the pond your honor. Judge: Well I’m sorry but your going to get the same 3 days in jail and $50 fine. The third and last duck approaches the bench and judge asks.. I suppose you were blowing bubbles in the pond as well? The duck replies.. No sir I am Bubbles
A Young Boy and Old Farmer Joe… A Young boy is walking down the country lane and passes Old Farmer Joe. Old Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that chicken wire? The little boy replies To get me some chickens. Old Farmer Joe replies Silly boy. You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! Two hours later the boy passes Old Farmer Joe with an arm full of chickens and a smile on his face. Well I’ll be damned! exclaimed the Old Farmer Joe The next day, the same thing happens. The boy is walking by and Old Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that duct tape? To catch me some ducks. Stupid boy. You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!! Two hours later Old Farmer Joe’s jaw drops as the little boy walks by with an arm full of ducks and a smile on his face. The next day, right on cue, the boy walks by again. Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that stick? Ain’t got a stick. It’s a Pussy Willow. Farmer Joe says Wait up boy. Let me get my hat, I’m coming with you!
What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north? A pair of ducks.
Yo momma so poor… that ducks throw bread at her. I fucking lost my shit at a [6]!
Two men walk into a bar… … but a third man ducks.
An old man is sitting on his porch drinking a beer… **NOTE: The second part of this joke works better verbally.** An old man is sitting on his porch drinking some beer when the neighbor’s kid walks by carrying a length of chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks, Whatcha got there sonny? Some chicken wire. says the boy. Well I can see that! I mean whatcha gonna do with it?! the old man says exasperated. I’m gonna catch me some chickens! the boy says. The old man laughs at this, You dummy! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! The boy shrugs his shoulders and goes on about his way. A few hours later he comes back trailing the chicken wire with about a dozen chickens all stuck in it. How in the hell… the old man wonders. The next day the old man is back on his porch drinking some more beer when the boy comes walking down the street again. This time he is tossing up in the air and catching a roll of duct tape. Whatcha gonna do with that duct tape boy? he asks. I’m gonna catch me some ducks. the boy says. Once again the old man busts out laughing. You can’t catch no ducks with duct tape you dummy! The boy smiles and shakes his head as he continues on his walk. Several beers later the boy comes back with a bunch of ducks all stuck to the duct tape. Well, I’ll be damned! says the old man astounded. Following day. Old man is sitting on his porch drinking his beer. Along comes the boy carrying a box with a bunch of small little potted seedlings. Whatcha got there boy? he asks. Just some plants. the boy says shrugging his shoulders. Well, I can see that ya little shit. What kinda plants are they?! Pussy Willows The old man jumps out of his chair, Hold on, I’m coming with ya!
So a man walks into a bar… And sees an extraordinarily short man playing the piano. He ignores this, as he then spots a lamp on his usual barstool. He rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie, with a commanding genie esque voice says that he will grant the man one wish. The man replies Awesome! I want a million bucks . And so, one by one, a million ducks walk into the bar. The man, furious, exclaims what the hell? is this genie deaf? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks The man sitting in the barstool next to him turns around and says do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, But you’re a duck . I see your eyes are working , replies the duck. And you talk! exclaims the landlord. I see your ears are working , says the duck, Now can I just have my beer and my sandwich please? . I’m working on the building site across the road, and I’m on my break. , explains the duck. The landlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, You’re with the circus aren’t you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything! . Sounds marvellous , says the ringleader, get him to give me a call . So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money! . Yeah? , says the duck, Sounds great, where is it? . At the circus , says the landlord. The circus? , the duck enquires. That’s right , replies the landlord. The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? That’s right! , says the landlord. The duck looks confused, What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?
2 guys walk into a bar.. The third one ducked.
Yer man’s no chicken anyways… Who’s no chicken? Donald duck.
Show tunes. A man walks into a crowded bar and sees an open seat beside a stranger. He sits down and begins a conversation. After a few pints, the stranger says, want to see something extraordinary? Sure the man replies. So the stranger opens up his jacket and pulls out a tiny little wooden stool. He reaches back in and pulls out a tiny little piano. Finally, he reaches in an pulls out a tiny little man! The little many bows, sits down, and starts playing some beautiful tunes on the piano. Wow the man says, how did you find this amazing little man!? . If you really want to know the stranger replies, reaching into his pocket, take this lamp and give it a rub . So the man takes the lamp, and gives it a rub. A geenie comes out and says he will grant the man one wish. The man things long and hard and finally says, I want a MILLION BUCKS! POOF! All of a sudden there is chaos in the bar, feathers everywhere and Mallard ducks quacking and flying about everywhere. What the hell man, I asked for a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS! the man shouts at the stranger, who replies: YA? And you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?
A farmer’s sitting on his porch… He sees an 8 year old kid walk by with some duct-tape and yells, Hey kid! What you doin with that duct-tape? The kid answers, I’m gonna go catch some ducks! The farmer thinks to himself, well that’s not really what duct-tape is for but let’s let the kid have some fun. A couple hours later, the kid returns with two ducks caught in the duct-tape. That’s amazing! , the farmer thinks. And the kid walks off. Next day, around the same time, farmer’s sitting on his porch, and the kid walks by with some chicken wire. The farmer yells, Hey kid! What you doin with that chicken wire? The kid replies, I’m gonna go catch some chickens! The farmer thinks to himself, Well that’s not what chicken wire is for, but he did have luck with that duct tape. Let’s see what he can do today. A couple hours later, kid comes back with three chickens caught in the chicken wire. The farmer is amazed! This kid’s got a gift. , he thinks to himself. Next day around the same time, farmer’s sitting on his porch waiting, when finally the kid walks by. Farmer yells, Hey kid! What you got today? Kid replies, Pussy willows! Farmer says, Alright, I’m coming with you!
So a duck walks into a pharmacy… and asks the pharmacist, Do you have any chapstick? When the pharmacist hands it to him, the duck replies Thanks, just put it on my bill!
Boudreau goes huntin’ There was these two Louisiana Cajuns on the bayou. One morning Leroy saw Boudreau in his boat floating down the bayou with a lawnmower in it. Hey Boudreau the hell you gon do with that lawnmower? This here’s a John Deere and I’m going deer huntin! Leroy shakes his head at Boudreau and ~~hours~~ goes about his day. 4 hours later Boudreau comes back with a 14 point buck, and Leroy is shocked. The next day Boudreau takes ~~of~~ off down the bayou but this time he has ~~is~~ duct tape. What the heck you gon do with that duct tape? Ahm gone duck huntin Again, Leroy just shakes his head at his friend’s stupidity, but site enough later that day, Boudreau comes back with a couple of nice mallards. Next day Leroy runs over to Boudreau and ~~days~~ says what yas got this time? Pussywillow oh hell let me get my hat and I’ll go wit ya! edit: typed this out on an android phone originally, and missed the autocorrect issue. LOL
A Duck Walks Into a Bar …and he asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes? Grapes? the bartender asks. Why would a bar have grapes? No, we don’t have any grapes. With his beak towards the floor, the duck waddles out of the bar. However, the next day, the duck walks into that same bar. He waddles up to the counter with his feet flapping against the wooden floor with every step. Do you have any grapes? the duck asks. I told you yesterday, the bartender says. We don’t have any grapes. And, the duck leaves. However, wouldn’t you believe it, that same duck walks into that same bar and asks that same question the very next afternoon. Do you have any grapes? the duck asks. Listen, the bartender says. If you come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I will staple your feet to the floor. The duck shrugs it off. He waddles out of the bar, and the night comes and goes. Finally, at noon the next day, the door to the bar opens, and lo and behold, there is the duck. Timidly, he walks to the counter. The bartender sees him, and he shakes his head. Hello, sir, the duck says. Do you have any staples? Staples? the bartender asks. Why would a bar have staples? No, we don’t have any staples. Well, the duck says. Then do you have any grapes?
A man walks into a bar and puts a shoebox down on the table… He says, I’ll have a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels for my friend in the box. The bartender looks down and sees a small man playing the piano. He brings the drinks and then asks, Where’d you get this little guy? The man at the bar replies, I was walking on the beach when I found a bottle lying in the sand. I was dusting it off when a genie came out and this was my first wish. The bartender is thinking that maybe he can trade something for this guys wish. Now, this guy is feeling pretty generous so he agrees to giving up his second wish in exchange for free food and drinks. The bartender grabs the bottle, rubs it, and exclaims, I wish for a million bucks! Then, the door slams open and a million white ducks come marching into the bar. The man at the bar says, I think the genie is hard of hearing. What makes you say that? asks the bartender. You think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?
The Duck in the Bar A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender if you give me a free bottle of beer I’ll show you my dancing duck . The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he’s doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box? The man replies, Oh that’s easy, you just take the hot coals out.
This one took me a while to get when I was a kid: Three guys walk into a bar The fourth one ducked.
What do you call a duck that likes to steal? A Robber Ducky!
A New Rap song from a friend-what do you think? Yo im sicker than a disease you nasty like split peas, i need g’s so i can get paid like i was a pornstar for keeze, lol i rip off the flow tip off the hoe, you big to battle me ill spin you around like i was moby, you think you know me ill whip out my dick so you can blow me, try to hold me i flatten you like boloney, Your like a fruit salad im like a tiger you can call me tony, frosted flakes yea i slay frosty shakes from wendys, i got a glow stick so ill bend these, i got that green glow i got that white snow, im crazy like daisy duck never giving a fuck like my trailblazer SS truck, now i upgraded to the ac type S, you just a fat slob like rayns sisters friend big jess, lol killin it blood spillin it im nasty i can go on forver rappin non stop i even still have that dr suze book hop on pop!
Classic Dad Joke A duck walks into a bar, and says, Hey, do you have any grapes? The bartender says No, this is a bar. We don’t have grapes, get out of here!! The duck walks in a second day and says Hey, do you have any grapes? The bartender says No!! I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes! Get out of here!! The duck walks in on the third day and says Hey, do you have any grapes? The bartender says No, I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes! Get out of here. If you come in here again i’m going to nail your feet to the floor!!! The duck walks in the fourth day and says Hey, got any nails? The bartender says No. Got any grapes? Edit : Thanks mlpRonnie
Little Johnny is going places Little Johnny is walking down the country lane and passes Farmer Joe. Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that chicken wire? Little Johnny replies To get me some chickens. Farmer Joe replies Silly boy. You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire! Two hours later little Johnny passes Farmer Joe dragging the chicken wire with a dozen chickens caught up in it. The next day, same thing. Little Johnny is walking by and Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that duct tape? To catch me some ducks. Stupid boy. You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!! Two hours later Farmer Joe’s jaw drops as little Johnny walks by with the tape rolled out behind him and about 15 ducks stuck in it. The next day, right on cue, little Johnny walks by again. Farmer Joe asks Boy, where you going with that stick? Ain’t got a stick. It’s a Pussy Willow. Farmer Joe says Wait up boy. I’m coming with you!
The Golden Screw (very long) So one day a man and his wife are expecting a baby. As they settle down for the night, the wife suddenly gasps and tells him It’s time! so they hurry out to the car and race to the hospital. After hours that feel like days, she finally gives birth to a healthy baby boy, and as they both gaze lovingly on him they see he has all the right number of fingers and toes, shining bright eyes, and a cute little giggle. In short, a wonderful child. As time passes, they settle in to being new parents, watching him grow and eagerly awaiting his first steps and his first word like all parents do, and he continues to grow and be healthy and strong. One day, years later, the boy is being bathed and he is splashing and playing with his bath toys when a glint catches his eye. He looks down and sees it again as his mother moves her head out of the light, and so he tries to figure it out and finds deep in his belly button there is a little golden screw. He pokes at it, but it doesn’t seem to hurt and feels pretty snug and soon he forgets about it as his ducky floats into view again. A few more years pass, he does well in school and is one of those kids that is popular but never lets it go to his head. He has friends, and everyone else just thinks of him as a good kid, even his teachers can tell he is special and destined to go far. One evening after finishing his chores and homework he heads up to shower before bed, and due to a particularly fuzzy new sweater, finds some lint in his belly button. As he goes to wash it out he finds the tiny golden screw again and this time since he is older he thinks to ask. As he is being tucked in he says Mom, do you know why I have a little golden screw deep in my belly button? and she replies I saw that when you were born, and I asked the doctors and they examined you very carefully. They tested and x-rayed and prodded and found that it was not harmful at all and since they didn’t know why it was there they left it alone. So, now that you have asked I can tell you that it is perfectly harmless and you should just try to ignore it. Since the boy loved his parents and knew they loved him he was satisfied and went to sleep. Many years later the boy graduated from high school and was accepted into a very prestigious college. Wanting to do good for the world, and to make his parents proud and reward them for all they had done for him, he chose to study medicine so he might one day become a doctor. Also, though it never came up again, he had been slowly growing more and more curious about the little golden screw in his belly button. He had played sports, and even fooled around a bit with some girls, and though he never mentioned it he had always taken a second to check, if he could, and had never seen anyone else with anything unusual in their belly buttons. Part of what made him want to be a doctor was to see if there was an explanation for him. So he went on to college, and studied very hard, keeping his grades up near the top of class and all the while spending any extra time he had doing extra research on belly buttons and golden screws. He graduated and went on to a successful practice, specializing in gastroenterology and seeing many patients with stomach ailments and helping them greatly. His studies kept going and he discovered a new method for helping with heartburn and with his deeper understanding a new insight on defecation that revolutionized the toilet industry but nothing he saw, read, or discovered helped explain the little golden screw in his belly button. Eventually he grew frustrated and one day had an epiphany, medicine was never going to find the answer for him. He carefully settled his accounts, and went about closing his practice and letting people know that he was retiring from medicine. If they pressed, he would tell them he was feeling a calling and indeed those friends were not surprised to hear he had taken vows to follow the local religion the next week. Reasoning that medicine did not have an answer, he turned to religion and once again invested himself completely in his new life. Taking a vow of silence he moved to a far off monastery where he begin reading and learning from the hundreds of tomes they had there. His fellow monks were in awe at his voracious appetite for the truth, often marveling at how his faith must be strong to sustain him as he spent nearly every waking moment reading and praying over the collected knowledge of centuries of holy men. Eventually he came to end his vow of silence, and while tentative at first soon he was speaking and discussing what he had learned with all his fellow devotees. His insights and understanding were incredible, and many felt an almost miraculous joy when he would work out some new connection that clarified even more the tenets of their faith. Sadly, though he was rapidly becoming one the most devout and learned men of the church, in his heart he was growing more lost as he still sought an answer to the question of the golden screw and no tome had yet revealed it to him. Once again he felt that he had come to the end of a journey, and though he loved his fellow monks he could not in good faith stay as he was no longer true in his heart, he had to move on and seek elsewhere for his answer. Taking up his old things he left the monastery and went out into the world once again. With his medical knowledge and inner peace from his faith, he started to travel the globe helping others and doing good works. He would travel to far off lands, often finding the most remote and sometimes forgotten people and would take time to learn from them, their languages and cultures, helping them in whatever way he could and always seeking out the most knowledgeable among them to eventually ask one question. Do they know anything about the golden screw? For the next two decades he wandered, covering every inhabited place on earth, learning cultures and languages all over and becoming someone who could fit in anywhere. Eventually he was so known that he found himself traveling among the great and powerful in every region, spending time with presidents and kings, imams and warlords, people who took to him their most vexing problems and with his vast experience he was often able to help solve them. He was responsible for peace treaties, and social reforms, economic growth and the fostering of global understanding. He never charged for his services, nor did he ask for recognition, but invariably he would find a moment to ask these great leaders and their learned advisors the question, which still haunted him, did they know of the golden screw? He eventually came to realize that no one had the answer, though he had not asked every person on earth he had asked enough to realize that he was unique and alone in this and so he once again moved on from his quest and secluded himself from the world. He spent weeks in meditation, praying in silence, and fasting, taking mixtures he had learned of to help open his inner eye and expand his mind, seeking his answer through mysticism and hoping for a sign from beyond the earthly realms. As he slowly wasted away, his quest seemed to be ending not with an answer but with his profound sense of failure. By chance, a boy he had met as a child in school was unbeknownst to him assigned a new job as a mail carrier in the neighborhood where he was seeking his answers. After weeks of seeing the mail pile up he became concerned and so he knocked on the door of the house, and it swung open for him. As it did, he saw his old friend laying on the floor nearly gone and rushed to his aid. In his delirium the man though he was seeing an ethereal figure coming to him and he tried to ask ‘What is the golden screw? and though the friend heard nothing more than a dry whisper he cradled his friend as he called for help Send a driver quickly! he yelled into the phone and the man heard him as Seek the screwdriver within! . The ambulance arrived and the man was rushed to the hospital, and though he was very weak he was able to recover and one day found himself once again hale and healthy. Though he still had no answer, he now had a new quest, to find the screwdriver that would fit with his golden screw. He just knew that when he found it he would find his answers! Once again he went into the world, this time seeking out the wisest of wise men, whose deep understanding of the mystic world surely must give them insights like the one he had. Swamis, yogis, cultists and prophets, he sought them all out and no longer asked of the golden screw but of a screwdriver and slowly he began to get clues and intimations that such a thing might exist. One man in a smoke filled hut said that centuries ago such a thing had been worshiped but was lost to a holy war. On another continent a mystic in a trailer in the back of a traveling show confirmed that they had a tale of stealing the relic but it had been cursed and so they had left it behind to flee it’s darkness. Crossing to the land of their origin he hunted down a local wise woman who many said was a witch, and she was able to relate how decades ago they had found the relic in a haunted wood, and it was thought to be a bad omen and so they sent it away to a holy man to have it cleansed. Finally he had a name! She knew of the place it was sent and the holy man was a yogi in a far off land! Once again he traveled, with a name to guide him, and slowly made his way from one village to the next until he found himself at a temple at the base of a towering mountain. Going inside he waited patiently, though his heart raced, and finally was brought to the leader of the temple where he asked his question. The leader looked at the man, and with sad eyes told him that yes they knew of the screwdriver and that they were indeed the ones it had been sent to to be cleansed. The leader looked t him and said I am not the head of this temple, I am but his assistant. For, you see, our leader took the relic and went to our most holy shrine to purify it. It is at the top of this mountain, in a small cave, with no path and many dangerous pitfalls before it. Only the most blessed and pure have ever made it there and that is where, if anywhere, it is. But! He left years ago and we have not heard from him since, we wait for his return or a sign of his passing but we have not seen him since he left with the screwdriver. The man realized now what he must do. He had done good works all his life, helped many others and lived a long life, and now he must take one last trek to either find his answer or pass away in the attempt. Good sir, please help me prepare myself for this pilgrimage. Anoint me, dress me, and say with me the words I must say to ready me. For tomorrow I begin my ascent to find the screwdriver, and if I can I will send you word of your most high leader. With that he began, and they shaved his head and washed him, gave him the robes and sandals of a penitent, and spoke with him the words that would aid him and protect him. He began his climb, and at first it was as simple as walking up a hill. It grew steeper, and he began to need to navigate around large rocks, or places where the soil was loose and so it became more challenging. Eventually it grew steep enough that he had to climb, and so he did using the many cracks and divots in the cliff face to move ever upward. Soon the cliff became more smooth, years of weather like the winds that tugged at him now had worn away the features. Now he often had to backtrack as he found himself climbing into spots where there was no where else to go, though each time when he did he could see another path to one side and so he would climb down and go that way. This went on for three days, his small bag of water ran out, and a small storm passed by allowing him to get more at the cost of nearly washing him away. His hands and feet became little more than claws, tools to help him climb. His years of focus on finding the screw aided him in making the climb, physical and mental exhaustion were ignored as he focused on his goal. Suddenly, he reached up and found a flat surface. His mind came back to him and he realized he was on the lip of a cave, he had made it! He worked his way up and onto the cave floor and passed out, his body finally demanding the rest he had denied it. He came to to the sound of humming, a regular melodious hum of a familiar chat. He opened his eyes and saw a small light, as he focused he realized it was a candle at the back of the cave and in the darkness he saw a wizened old man seated by it and that was the source of the humming. He sat up slowly and met the man’s eyes, the man smiled and as he opened his mouth to ask the old man said, You have come for the screwdriver. He modded slowly, and the old yogi pointed to a spot next to the candle. He moved over and sat there across from him and said, Then it is real? You have it? . The old man reached into a small bag, and slowly pulled out a tiny golden object, as he brought it into the light the man saw it was a perfectly crafted screwdriver with a head that was the absolute reverse of the head of the screw in his belly button. He reached out and took it from the man, who modded and smiled saying, In all the world, for all time, there has only been one man for whom this relic has meaning. The man stood up shakily, in awe he opened his robes and gently felt his belly button for the screw. Then with trembling hands he guided the screw driver towards it, feeling an almost euphoric thrill as the driver fit perfectly, a tingling running through his body at the touch. Slowly, gently, he began to turn the screwdriver, and though it had never moved before the screw spun smoothly and silently as he did. One, two, three full turns he took. And his butt fell off.
Trying out a new restaurant… A new oriental restaurant opened down the road from my house a few weeks ago, so last Friday I thought I’d go and try it out. As I arrive, I’m served promptly, and the waiter sits me next to a couple. As the waiter hands me my menu, I look to see what the couple next to me are eating. Nothing looked too fancy until I noticed a little basket between them. The lid of this basket kept popping up, and two small eyes we be looking at me! Shocked, I asked: What did you guys order? . The man takes a look at his basket and replies Oh, that? That’s the Peking duck .
3 guys walk into a bar… The fourth one ducks.
A duck walks into a bar. the bartender says, what can I get you duck? the duck says, you got any grapes? the bartender replies, no this is a bar, we don’t have any grapes. the duck leaves and then comes back the next day. the bartender sees the duck and he says, allright duck, what’ll you have? the duck says, you got any grapes? The bartender says, ok duck let’s get something straight. we didn’t have any grapes yesterday, we don’t have any today and we’re not gonna have any grapes tomorrow. if you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I’m going to take your bill and nail it to the bar. The duck says, whoa, take it easy! The duck gets up and leaves. The next day, the 3rd day in a row, the duck walks into the bar. The bartender sees the duck, rests his hands on bar, leans forward, and says, ok duck, what’ll you have? The duck says, you got any nails? Bartender says, nope. Duck says, you got any grapes?
So one man walks into a bar and the other one ducks.
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk right into a bar. The Buddhist ducks.
A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners – Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. – Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, You man the guns, I’ll drive! – Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, Something’s fishy about this. – Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, Oh man, it’s hot in here. The other shrieks, OH MY GOD! A talking muffin! – How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door and shove him in. – How do you get two giraffes in a refrigerator? Open the door, move the first giraffe over and shove him in. – How do you get a rhinoceros in the refrigerator? Open the door, take out the two giraffes and shove him in. – What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. – What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. – What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on your doorstep? Matt. – What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the swimming pool? Bob. – What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on the grill? Frank. – What do you call a woman with no arms or legs hanging on your door frame? Belle. – What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. – Simba is calling together a meeting of all the animals at Pride Rock. As he’s taking role, he notices that everyone is present except one. Who’s missing? The rhinoceros, he’s still stuck in the refrigerator.
2 men walked into a bar The third one ducked
So a guy walks into a bar… … and he notices a pig playing a piano in the corner. He goes up to the bartender and says Hey, man. What’s with the pig? . The bartender replies There’s a guy down the street granting wishes, but watch what you say. He’s kind of sketchy. The man takes off and comes back a little while later with an endless line of ducklings following him through the door. He goes up to the bartender and shouts Man, that guy was terrible! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks! The bartender replied What do you think I asked for, a pig pianist?
A guy walks into a bar… *clang!*… he says ouch and ducks next time.
A duck walks into a bar… Duck: Got any bread? Barman: No mate, this is a bar Duck: Got any bread ? Barman: No I’ve told you, we don’t have bread here! Duck: Got any bread? Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar. Duck: Got any nails? Barman: No. Duck: Got any bread?
A lawyer hunting in the country shoots a duck… …and it falls on the other side of a tall picket fence surrounding a rickety old house. As the lawyer is climbing over the fence, an old man comes scrambling out of the house yelling That duck is on my property and it belongs to me! The lawyer quickly retorts I shot that duck! and if you make any move to take it from me I’ll sue you for everything you own! The old man says Well hold on mister, down in this country we settle arguments with the old three kick rule. I kick you three times and you kick me three times until someone gives up. The lawyer, thinking he could easily take the old man, agrees. Immediately the old man kicks the lawyer once in the mouth, once in the stomach, and once in the groin, knocking him to the ground. The lawyer, after moaning for some time and still in quite a bit of pain, gets up and says Alright old man, now it’s my turn! And the old man says No I give up, you can have the duck.
The old man and the boy There once was an old man who sat on his porch all day and watched life go by. It was relaxing and interesting for him. One day, he saw a neighbourhood boy walk past with some chicken wire. He shouted Why you got all that chicken wire boy? to which they reply was Gonna catch me some chickens Mister! The old man’s wife asked out the kitchen window what was happening – The old man explained. Laughing to himself the old man had a sip of his sherry and fell asleep. When he awoke, he saw the same boy walking back past his house with a bunch of chickens caught up in chicken wire. His eyes widened for a second and then he just laughed Lucky little bugger! The next day, he was out on his porch again drinking beer and relaxing. He saw the same boy walking past with rolls and rolls of duct tape. He shouted out to the boy What you doin’ with all that duck tape? The boy replied I’m gonna go catch me some ducks! The old man’s wife asked out the kitchen window what was happening – The old man explained. The old man laughed at his innocence and fell asleep. At dusk he awoke and saw the boy walking back through town with a lot of ducks tangled up in the duct tape. He was quite surprised. The next day he was paying more attention and saw the young boy walking past carrying something. What you got there boy? he asked. Got me some pussy-willow replied the boy. The old mans wife started to talk but was interrupted by the old man – I’m gonna go help the boy today!
that’s right. you know how to get down off an elephant? – you don’t you get down from a duck.
A man hears beautiful music coming from a bar and walks in. He sees a very very short man playing the piano. He walks to the bar and orders a drink. After listening for a while he asks the bartender where did you get this piano player? The bartender says from a genie. The man laughs and has a few more drinks. He jokingly asks the bartender so where’d you find a genie? The bartender says in the alley out back, his lamp is still out there. The man, pretty drunk now decides he’s going to check this out for himself. Sure enough there is a lamp in the alley, the man rubs it and out pops a genie! The genie tells him he will grant him one wish. The man excitedly blurts out. I want a million bucks! The genie says done! And disappears back into the bottle. About that time a million ducks start waddling up the street. The man is furious, he stomps back into the bar and says the the bartender that genie sucks! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks! The bar tender looks at the man and says did you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?
A duck walks into a bar… And the bartender says why is there a duck in my bar?
A duck walks into a hardware store… and asks the man behind the counter Got any bolts? The man says Nope. We’re all out of bolts. The duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and asks the man behind the counter Got any bolts? The man says Nope. We’re all out of bolts. The duck leaves. This goes on for a week until the man behind the counter finally snaps. If you ask me one more time if I have any bolts, I’ll nail your damn feet to the floor! The duck is quiet for a moment. Then he asks Got any hammers? The man is releived and finally calms down. See? Was that so hard? Actually, it looks like I’m all out of hammers right now. The duck looks at him and asks, Got any bolts?
How do you get down from a horse? You don’t. You get down from a duck.
Talking ducks I was walking through town the other day and a man stopped me and asked whether I wanted to see his talking ducks. I decided to humour him, and went along. I walked up to the first duck and asked How was your day? Not bad, just been in and out of puddles all day really He replied I was so shocked he actually replied, I decided to talk to the next duck and asked how his day was, Pretty good, just been in and out of puddles all day He replied. I walked up to the last duck, and asked him How was your day then? My day’s been terrible the duck said Oh dear, why’s that? I asked My name’s Puddles.
Why did Mickey get hit but Donald didn’t Because Donald Duck.
Jack and His Jewel-Studded Jock(a story concocted by me and friends in high school long ago-NSFW) This is the story of Jack and his Jewel-Studded Jock. Jack went to see the Queen one day and the guard yelled Halt, who goes there?! Jack said It is I. I’ve come to see the Queen. The guard said You can’t see the Queen. She’s in bed with syphilis. Jack said Is that Greek bastard still here? So, a thousand and one strides later Jack arrives in the Queen’s chambers. Jack said Roll over, bitch. The Queen said I’ll be fucked if I do. Jack said You’ll be cornholed if you don’t. The Queen said But what of the children? Jack said Fuck the children. The Queen said You’d fuck a child?! Jack said I’d fuck a chicken. The Queen claimed You fowl fucker. And the Queen was displeased with this, so she had Jack thrown to the lions…but Jack being the smart fucker he was, he grabbed the left nut of the right lion and the right nut of the left lion and crashed them together causing a great rupture. And the King heard of this and the King was pleased. So he called for Jack to come fourth, but Jack being the slow fucker he was came fifth and the shit flew at random…but Random being the fast fucker he was ducked and the shit hit the King in the eye and the King cried OOOOOOHHH shit and a thousand and one peasants squatted. The moral of the story is: King’s word is law.
Two blondes on an ariplane… Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement. We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arrival in Los Angeles. We apologize for the inconvenience. The blondes give each other confused looks, shrug their shoulders and then go back taking duck-face selfies with Instagram on their iPhones. About 30 minutes later the captain makes another announcement, We have lost another engine. Please don’t panic but we will be about 2 hours late for arrival in Los Angeles. One blonde says Oh no! Enrique will be furious if we are late to the photo shoot!! and then they both go back to their deep discussion about this year’s preferred stilleto heel length. Another 30 minutes go by and the captain makes another announcement. It looks like we’ve had another engine failure and we are only flying on one engine now. We will be several hours late for our arrival. One blonde looks at the other one and says You know, if we lose another engine we’re going to be up here all day!!
The old man and little boy… One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, What do you have there boy? The boy says, I got me some chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens! I don’t think it works that way, son. said the old man and the boy continued on. Sure enough a few hours later the boy walks by with a bunch of chickens attached to the chicken wire. The old man finds this quite baffling, but lets the boy continue on. The next day the old man sees the boy walking by again carrying a roll of duct tape. What do you have there boy? asked the old man. I got me some duct tape, I am going to go catch me some ducks. Replied the boy. I don’t think it works that way. said the old man. The boy continued on and sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a bunch of ducks attached to his roll of duct tape and once again the old man is baffled by this. The next day the boy walks by again with a long rod and fuzzy thing at the end. What do you have there boy? asked the old man. I got me a pussy willow. replied the boy. The old man looks at the boy and says, Wait right there, let me go get my hat.
Three men die and go to heaven St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter has him handcuffed to the ugliest woman the man has ever seen. Determined not to make the same mistake, the next two men are careful, but it isn’t long before one of them steps on a duck and is handcuffed to a hideous woman. The third man spends the next 3 months treading carefully and manages to avoid all ducks, until one day St. Peter comes and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. The man says, what have i done to deserve such a thing? The woman answers, I don’t know about you, but i stepped on a duck.
Three friends die and go to heaven… When they get to the gate saint peter says, Hi, welcome to heaven. You’re going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck. Ducks? Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter. So the friends enter heaven, and much to their suprise, there are ducks everywhere. Every square yard there were probably 2 ducks. The first friend takes the warning lightly and accidentally steps on a duck the first day, and as punishment the most hidiously ugly person gets put in front of him to look at for all of eternity. The person was like uglier than the mcpoyles, he/she (because the friend coudn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl) was really really ugly. So the second and third friends see this and say to themselves that they would never step on a duck. But sure enough the second friend steps on a duck in the third week and gets the same punishment as the first friend. So the third friend vows to never move, and only move if absolutely necessary, After about 7 months a beautiful woman comes down from the sky, and I’m talking crazy hot, almost angelic. The third friend gets to look at her forever, and asks, what could I have possibly done to deserve this? And she says, I don’t know but I stepped on a duck. edit: made it into paragraphs
