Tree Gorilla [NSFW] One morning a man walks out on the back porch to have his morning coffee and looks up to see a gorilla in the tree in his back yard. He runs inside and calls animal control. A short time later the animal control truck shows up and the officer climbs out along with a half blind pit bull. The guy tells him where the gorilla is and the officer assesses the situation then goes out and returns from the truck with a pair of handcuffs and a pistol. Handing these to the guy, he explains that he will climb in the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on until he falls out of the tree, then the dog will immediately grab the gorilla by the testicles, at which time the home owner should quickly handcuff the gorilla. The home owner then asks, But then, what’s the gun for? The animal control officer replies, If I fall out of the tree first, you shoot that fucking dog.
A message to the people of the Moon In 1968, NASA was testing equipment to be used for Moon missions. They went to the Arizona desert to perform their tests. While tests were in progress, an old Chief approached a NASA engineer to ask questions through his grandson, acting as interpreter. The Chief wants to know what exactly you are doing here. We’re testing equipment for upcoming missions to the Moon , said the engineer. The Chief heard the translation and said something to his grandson. The Chief is asking if he can send a message to the people of the Moon. The engineer immediately realized that could be a great PR coup for NASA and replied, Let me speak with my superiors. A few days later, the engineer pitched the idea to the Administrator and the latter agreed that it could indeed bring good publicity to NASA. They promised the Chief they would bring a tape with his greetings to the Moon. Then the NASA people, the Chief and his grandson went into a recording studio to record the historical message. The Chief only pronounced a few words, while the engineer caught a glimpse of the grandson chuckling. So, he walked to him and asked, What did your grandfather say? Nothing important , said the young Navajo, just greetings and salutations. Unconvinced, the engineer hired a Navajo translator and discovered what the true message was: DO NOT TRUST THESE PEOPLE, THEY’RE GOING TO STEAL YOUR LAND!
Cupcakes. A mother and her little girl were at the park enjoying a beautiful summer day. While they were there a young couple were getting acquainted behind a thin veil of bushes. The little girl took notice of their actions and asked her mother what they were doing. A quick blush appeared on the woman’s cheeks as she brushed off the question. Oh they’re just making some cupcakes. The next morning the little girl rushed into the kitchen where her mother was enjoying a morning coffee. Mommy mommy! You and daddy were making cupcakes last night! Uh, yeah… How did you know?! I licked the frosting off of the couch when you were done!
So a tech support has a house call… When he gets there a little old lady answers the door. She let’s him in and tell him to sit on the couch while she gets her laptop. She steps away and the tech notices a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and helps himself to some while he waits. When she comes back the tech says I hope you don’t mind I ate some of your nuts. The little lady says Help yourself! I just suck the chocolate off them anyways.
A man opens the door for his moother-in-law And declares, Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then? The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, Until you get sick of me. Oh, really? You won’t even stay for a cup of coffee?
How do you make a latte? Add $5 to a cup of coffee.
I called 911 for an ambulance today. What seems to be the problem? asked the operator. I stumped my toe on the coffee table. I replied. And you want an ambulance for that? he laughed. I said, No, it’s for my wife, she shouldn’t have laughed.
So a young man joins the army.. So a young man joins the army, it was his life plan since he was little because his grandfather and father before him both served. He felt like it was his duty to carry on the family tradition. So after he joins he goes through all his basic training and testing. A few months later he is being deployed, unfortunately the day he is to ship out he sleeps in. Not much mind you but just enough to make him last in line to receive his fire arm. When he finally gets to the front of the line the quarter master informs him there are no guns left. He starts freaking out how am i supposed to go into battle with out a rifle? the gentleman on the other side of the desk blinks at him slowly.. Well… I could give you this. He holds up a stick that is mildly shaped like a gun What the hell am I supposed to do with a stick!! I signed up to defend my country not wave sticks at bad guys!! No, I promise you that this will be just as good! Just point this stick at your enemy and shout BANG BANG BANG! The young private argues that this will not work, and that he is not an idiot and will not except this. But after arguing for a long time he finally gives in and takes his stick. But after arguing for so long about this stick he ends up being last in line to get his bayonet. This time when he gets to the front of the line, trusty stick in hand. The man tells him that they are out of bayonets, and again he freaks out a little telling this guy that he already has a stick for a rifle and he would not leave with out the bayonet. The man looks at him for a moment and the searches around in the back for a moment and returns with a swiss army knife. Sorry kid this is the best I can do. Just tape it to the end of your stick and if someone gets to close just thrust is forward and yell STAB STAB STAB. I promise you it will work! Again he argues that this is ridiculous. But they are being called to the plane, so he takes his little knife and leaves, feeling very certain that he will not return home. Finally a few days latter him and his platoon are sent to defend a ridge against the enemy. He stands with his fellow soldiers awaiting what he was sure is certain death. Finally he sees the enemy break the horizon and as they start to get with in what would be rifle range he shoulders his stick and takes aim. BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!! BANG!!! He yells over and over. To his surprise it was working everyone that he yelled at fell to the ground dead. It was a miracle, he continued firing his weapon, until finally they were with in range of his bayonet. STAB!!! STAB!!! STAB!!! He yells thrusting his stick forward with out mercy. Still men fell before him, he was astounded. Out of the corner of his eye he sees one man coming towards him and he turns and takes aim BANG!! BANG!! BANG!!! The man doesn’t fall… He starts to get scared… maybe it was all in his head.. a fluke! STAB!! STAB!!! STAABBBB!!!! The approaching soldier still doesn’t fall! The last thing our young soldier hears as he is run over by the enemy soldier is… TANK!!! TANK!!! TANK!!! TAN….
What does a man with a 9 inch penis eat for breakfast? Well, Right now I’m frying up some eggs, got some toast in the toaster and the coffees brewing.
A Maine man goes to the doctor. He tells his doc that he wants to have sex with his wife, but does not want any kids. The doctor tells him OK, you are from Maine right? the man replies Bohn and raised the doc says good, this will be easy then, take a coffee can, fill it with a few M80s and light them, then count to ten . The man says This is ridiculous, I’m going to the specialist in Portland the doc tells the man that he will say the same thing. So the man goes to Portland and tells the specialist all about his problem, the specialist says OK, you are from Maine right? the man replies Bohn and raised the doc says Ok, take a coffee can, fill it with a few M80s and light them, then count to ten . The man thinks this must be a Maine thing, so he goes to the best doctor in Boston. This doctor tells him the same thing. Fill a coffee can with M80s, light them, then count to ten. The man is now convinced that this is the best way to do it, so he gets his M80s, and his coffee can, lights them, and starts counting (on his fingers) 1-2-3-4-5- (takes the can and puts it between his legs to count with the other hand) 6-7-8-9–
An Indian walks into a cafe…. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: Want coffee. The waiter says, Sure, Chief. Coming right up. He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: Want coffee. The waiter says, Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway? The Indian smiles and proudly says, Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
We had a outage at my place this morning… We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.
Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession? Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke: The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to ** Secure that building! ** * The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles and secure the hostages. * The Marines will erect a razor-wire perimiter, establish patrols and deny access to unauthorized personnel. * The Navy will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the lights before locking the doors. * The Air Force will lease it for six years with an option to buy. **EDIT:** I slept for 8 hours and came back to some pretty good jokes; It looks like people in movies/theater came out swinging but now it is 2 AM and the computer geeks are a-flocking. Keep it up!
We had a power outage today… …and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my phone battery was flat and I couldn’t charge it.To top it off it was snowing outside. So I couldn’t play golf and I couldn’t fish. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So does the microwave. So popcorn won’t happen. So I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like such a nice person.
My Weird St. Patrick’s Morning [NSFW] So I get to work this morning and hit the bathroom on the way to my desk to let out some coffee. I walk through the door and there’s a 3′ tall guy wearing an all-green suit and a tophat taking a piss at the short urinal. I didn’t mean to look, but you couldn’t not notice the gentleman’s extremely large penis. I did my thing and as we were washing our hands I jokingly asked him if he was a real leprechaun. FUCK, he says. FUCK. You guessed it. And when I’m in a hurry, always when I’m in a fuckin hurry. Spit it out, what do you want, I don’t got all fuckin day. What do you mean, what do I want? I asked. You recognized me as a laprechaun and now you get ONE fucking wish, but hurry up now because I’m late you little cunt! Thinking this was a joke, I didn’t wait long to say I want a dick as big as yours bro, that thing’s enormous. The leprechaun gets all serious. He informs me that he is indeed a real leprechaun and he can make this happen for me but warns me that I might want another wish. Now laddy, that is a huge responsibility. Larger than you know. You could ask me for a million dollars or anything else you want, as he takes a HUGE wad of cash out of his tiny pocket to my amazement. I’d really like a dick as big as yours I say without hesitation. My wife would love that thing. A dick this big can really hurt someone laddy. I’ll grant you your wish, but first you have to let me fuck you in the ass so you can feel how bad this could hurt someone before you hurt someone yourself. Or do you just want this million dollars? as he waves the stack of cash in my face. I thought for a second, but undaunted, agreed to his terms. As a hetero I’ve never taken anything to the ass but I figure What the hell? No one will know… it’ll be between me and the leprechaun, and my wife would really like this… He took me into the stall and had his way with me. Let’s just say he was larger than he looked, and it hurt very, very bad… He finishes up, wipes off, and starts to head out of the bathroom. I look down at my pathetic member and it hasn’t changed in size at all. In fairly severe pain from my violation, I called out weakly Hey leprechaun! You forgot to grant my wish! He turns around, comes back, and asks Laddy, how old are you? 32 I murmer out through my pain. He puts his hand consolingly on my shoulder and asks, And you still believe in leprechauns do you? **tl;dr** how long does it take for a leprechaun wish to become granted?
You know who the most popular guy at a nudist colony is? The one who can walk with 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.
The Wealthy Painter I once had a friend who was a very successful painter, and from this talent he gained quite a sum of money over the years that would keep him financially stable for the rest of his life. One day, he decided to vanish from not only the art world but his social life as well. 9 years later, I saw him at a coffee shop we used to frequent when we were younger. After catching up with him for a few, I got to asking him one of the questions that was ringing in my head for years. Why on earth did you quit painting? To which he simply said hey man, more Monet, more problems .
25 Jokes You’re Probably Too Stupid To Understand (& the ones you do understand are awesome) 1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: No, I’m travelling light. 2. Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? 3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: Hello, I’d like a beer. The barman replies: Hello, you’d like a beer? Yes, replies the TCP packet, I’d like a beer. 5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour? The electron goes: Oh great, now I’m lost. 6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: Hell, I forgot to feed the dog! 7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. 8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t. 9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg. 10. The barman says: We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here. A tachyon enters a bar. 11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: Make me one with everything . 12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder. 13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: Can you see me now? The four men answer: Yes. Oui. Si. Ja. 14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem. 16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train? 17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality. 18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not? Gödel replies: We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke. Chomsky says: Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong. 19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: Five beers, please. 20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now. 21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: What’ll it be, boys? The first mathematician: I’ll have one half of a beer. The second mathematician: I’ll have one quarter of a beer. The third mathematician: I’ll have one eight of a beer. The fourth mathematician: I’ll have one sixteenth of a The bartender interrupts: Know your limits, boys as he pours out a single beer. 22. What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot. 23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French caf , revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. The waitress replies: I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk? 24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: Euripides? The professor replies: Yes. Eumenides? 25. A programmer’s wife tells him: Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. Source: http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/2/
Be careful what you wish for There was a white man walking on the beach and he found a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a black genie came out. The genie said alright mothafucka you get 3 wishes. The man said 1st I want a mansion, 2nd I want to be surrounded by beautiful naked women. Then he made his 3rd wish. All od a sudden there was a knock on the mansion door. A group of rednecks took the man, put a rope around his neck, and lynched him. Later at Starbucks, (that’s where genies get their coffee) the genie was talking to his other genie friends. He said I’ve been in this genie business for over 3,000 years and men still wish for mansions and naked women, but 1 man made a wish that confused the hell outta me. I don’t know why that mothafucka wanted to be hung like a nigga.
What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaf coffee…you fucking racist.
Two hunters and a hole Two guys are hunting, one guy says Whoa, big hole. How deep is that? Other guy says Let’s throw something in the hole and see. They see a rusty old anvil and drag it to the hole, throw it in and hear no sound of it hitting the bottom. Suddenly they hear something galloping and a goat is coming at them at a blistering speed, almost knocking them down as it flies past the two and dives into the hole. Becky? Becky!! Yells a farmer running toward them. He stops near the two hunters and asks them You guys seen a goat? Yes, we did! A goat ran by us about 80 miles an hour down into that hole! That’s impossible, says the farmer. I had him chained to an anvil. (Have heard versions in the past, this one is told by Jay Leno on his recent Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee episode, S03E03.)
An older couple on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary An older couple is sitting down to breakfast on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says Honey, we were wild and crazy when we were newlyweds. What do you suppose we were doing on the morning after we were married 50 years ago? The husband says We were probably sitting around naked at the breakfast table. Why don’t we do that now? You know…for old times sake? says the wife. The husband agrees and they both strip and sit back at the table. The wife leans over and says Honey, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago. The husband says Of course they are. One’s in your oatmeal and the other’s in your coffee.
A man dies and goes to hell. The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks No way. I can’t do that for eternity He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks I definitely can’t do that for eternity He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself …well I guess I could get used to the smell. After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says Alright, coffee break’s over. Back to headstands.
So my dyslexic friend and I walk into a Starbucks. We find a table, and he volunteers to go and get the drinks. Taking the chance for a cheap laugh, I point out the most overly complicated, quasi-coffee -appucino beverage I can see on the menu, hand him a fiver, and proceed to wait in anticipation. A few minutes later he returns, placing the correct drink before me, and smiles – knowing that he had foiled my ploy. But then he tried to give me my change…
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool. Credit to my 15 yo son who made this one up. I’m fairly certain he browses Reddit but he wouldn’t admit it to me.
Today, I got up early… …put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ She sleepily replied, ‘I know, can you believe my husband is out golfing in that stuff?’
Barnyard Tales A salesman gets lost in the country one night and sees he’s low on gas. He sees a light on in a farmhouse and decides to stop and ask for directions. The farmer who answers the door listens to his request for directions but instead says to the salesman, Why don’t you just stop for the night and stay over? These back roads can be mighty treacherous and I’d hate to see you get stranded out here. I can put you up in my barn for the night, then in the morning you can get a nice big breakfast of flapjacks and coffee and you’ll be ready to go. The salesman is so tired, he takes the farmer up on his offer and stays the night in the barn. The next morning the salesman comes to breakfast and the farmer asked him how he slept. The salesman said, I had a great night’s sleep and I got to meet all the animals in the barn last night. They are so interesting! The farmer doesn’t quite know what he means by this, so the salesman explains that he has the ability to talk to animals. Sensing the farmer’s disbelief, the salesman said, Well, for example, I talked to your cow. She said her name is Bessie and you come in promptly at 6AM to milk her every morning. Farmer says, Damn that’s right! The salesman continues, and your two pigs named Fester and Amos say you come in promptly at 6:30 every morning to give them their slop. Farmer says, Damn that’s right too. Finally the salesman said, and I talked to the sheep Mae who says you come in every morning at 7 when the farmer interrupts him abruptly and says, Don’t believe a word those sheep say: they’re nothing but a bunch of god damned liars!
Duct tape and Chicken wire. An old man is sitting on his front porch one morning, enjoying the weather and having a cup of coffee. Suddenly he sees a young boy walking down the road carrying several rolls of duct tape. This obviously makes him curious so he calls out, hey son, what are you doing with all that duct tape? The little boy replies, I’m going to catch some ducks sir! The old man chuckles and calls out, son don’t be silly. You can’t catch ducks with duct tape! The little boy just smiles and yells well I’m gonna try. Several hours pass and the old man is out in his yard when the little boy walks past him dragging a whole bunch of ducks. The old man just scratches his head and go’s about his business. The next morning the old man is having his morning coffee on the porch as usual and the little boy comes walking down the road. As he gets closer the old man notices he is carrying a bunch of chicken wire. He wonders what the lad is up to so he calls out excuse me young man! What’s all that chicken wire for? The little boy calls out I’m going to catch me some chickens! The old man scoffs and says son that’s not what chicken wire is for! You’re not gonna get any chickens with that! The young boy happily crys out well I’m gonna try! Later that day the old man notices the boy walking down the road dragging several chickens. He shakes his head and says, well I’ll be damned . A few days later the old man is on his porch, having his morning coffee when the same little boy comes running down the road carrying a bundle of sticks. The old man wonders what this is all about so he calls out hey son! What do you got there? The little boy yells back, pussy willows sir! The old man stands up and says wait up, let me grab my hat .
I like my women like I like my coffee, I can’t afford coffee
A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting. In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years. So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making her morning coffee when one her daughters runs in, frantic and concerned. Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out! Her mother tells her there’s nothing to worry about and tells her the story. Then around noon, the mother is in the garden watering some flowers when the other daughter comes outside and says Mom! Mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out! The mother explains everything and goes back to watering. That night the mother was laying in bed reading when her son burst into her room. Mom! Mom! I was- Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out? No, no! says the son, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!
How did the hipster burn his tongue…? … he drank his coffee *before it was cool.*
5 Year Old’s First Job Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied, I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock… Kind of brings a tear to the eye – doesn’t it?
An old Jewish joke. Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. Herr Altmann, said his secretary, I notice you’re reading Der Stürmer! I can’t understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew? On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we’re on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know it makes me feel a whole lot better!
Greatest Hipster Joke Of All Time How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!
The Native American An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other He says to the waiter: Want coffee. The waiter says, Sure Chief. Coming right up. He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee….. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: Want coffee. The waiter says, Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway? The Indian smiles and proudly says, Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day.
(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks. In response, Dunkin’ Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.
The Pope’s Coffee – From my grandfather Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican . After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ The pope responds, That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed. Well, says the Nescafe man, we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million. My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed. The Nescafe guy says, Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer… We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it. And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. There is some good news, he announces, and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million. And the bad news, your Holiness? asks a Cardinal. We’re losing the Wonderbread account.
Bubba and Friends Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise? Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, Bubba says. President Clinton, his boss quickly retorts. Yes, Bubba says, I know him, let’s fly out to Washington. And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up. Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. The Pope, his boss replies. Sure! says Bubba. My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time. So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope. And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, What happened? His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?’
Jamaican Holiday So a man took a trip to Jamaica. He was having a great time. In the morning he enjoyed some world famous Blue Mountain coffee. Around lunch time he tried some ganja, and joined a drum circle. Later that evening he was at a local bar, had some Rum, and a couple red stripes. He made his way to the toilet to relieve himself, when he noticed something odd on the man standing next to him. Hey, Im not trying to be a creep he said, but I think we have the same initials. I see you have ‘WN’ tatooed on your cock. The Jamaican laughs, and replies Nah man, when its fully erect it says Welcome to the beautiful island of Jamaica man’!
A Chicago Bears’ fan, a Minnesota Viking’s fan, and a Detroit Lions’ fan find a genie in a bar… The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens. [](/sp) The genie says to the bartender: Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires and make them come true. The bartender faints from the sheer sight of a real genie in his bar. [](/sp) Seeing this, the genie says: Well, it looks like he’s not waking up. You three gentlemen are the only here, so you’ll have to split the wishes to 1 each. What do your hearts most desire? [](/sp) The Chicago Bears’ fan says: I want all Minnesota Vikings’ fans were shot and thrown out of a bridge. [](/sp) The Minnesota Vikings’ fan says: Oh yeah, well I want all Chicago Bears’ fans were lynched and choked to death. [](/sp) They kept battling each other, throwing one insult after another. Meanwhile, the genie turned to the Detroit Lions’ fan and asks the same question: What do you wish for ? [](/sp) The 3rd fan says: Me? I want a cup of coffee.
I finally did it! I finally did it! I was starting to doubt myself, I didn’t think it could be done. It took years of painstaking research, countless hours in the lab, and more coffee than you could believe. Unfortunately, over 4000 people died in the process, but it was well worth it! I finally figured out how to cook a tombstone pizza! Turns out you just put it in the oven
Greek vs Italian Culture One day , two men, a Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek says, Well, we have the Parthenon. Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, We have the Coliseum. The Greek retorts, We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics The Italian, nodding agreement, says, But we built the Roman Empire. And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, We invented sex! The Italian thinks for a moment and then replies, Ah, yes, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.
Spaniards and coffee It is Spain. A man walks into a coffee shop. He orders a coffee and asks when it will be ready. The clerk says In 5 minutes. It is our policy that if it is not ready in 5 minutes, it’s free. The man waits 15 minutes. He comes back and asks When it be ready? The clerk says ma ana.
A man walks into a coffee shop… A man walks into a coffee shop and asks I’ll have a ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two sugars. Surprised, the barista answers: A ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two *what*?!
3 Mothers sitting around a coffee table. 3 mothers are sitting around the coffee table after their daughters have gone to school. The first mother who is brunette says, This morning I was looking in my daughters room and guess what I found? A bottle of alcohol, I cant believe my daughter is drinking! . The next mother who is a redhead says, Well guess what, I was looking through my daughters room and guess what I found? Cigarettes! I didnt know my daughter was smoking . The third mother, who was a blonde says, Well get this! I was looking through my daughters room and I found a condom! I had no idea my daughter had a penis.
A police officer sitting in his car on coffee break see’s a car full of penguins drive by… He throw’s his cruiser in gear, calls it in on the radio and immediately pulls the penguin stuffed vehicle over. He walks up to the drivers side door, and being far too curious for formalities and protocol bluntly asks: What in the hell do you think your doing driving aroud with all these damn penguins?? The driver, clearly nervous and confused began to stammer: Well i, i just…. but the officer immediatly cut him him off and said assertively: What you need to do is take these penguins to the zoo, right now. The drivers face seemed to light up at the new idea and he happily agreed and was on his way. The next day the same officer was sitting in the same spot drinking coffee again, when the same car stuffed full of penguins drives by again. The officer cursed under his breath and was taken aback when he realized all of the penguins were wearing sunglasses… Does this idiot think he can disquise these penguins from me or something?? He thought to himself as he flipped his lights on and pulled the penguinmobile over again. Angry, he brisky walks up to the window and yells: Hey mister i thought i told you to take these penguins to the zoo!! And whats with the sunglasses?? The driver, unruffled and confident this time says: I did take them to the zoo yesterday, and we had so much fun that today WE’RE GOING TO THE BEACH!!!
What’s the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy? When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, Merci! .
Catholic Joke Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’. The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’. The third Catholic gent says, My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’. The fourth Catholic man then says, My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’. Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well….? She proudly replies, I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24 waist and 34 hips. When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God.
The boss comes into work carrying a thermos… His blonde secretary had never seen one before. What’s that thing? she asks. Oh, this? he says, It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient. Oh wow, that DOES sound convenient! she exclaims, I might have to get myself one of those! Yep, I definitely recommend it. And they go about the rest of the day. Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk. Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos! he says. Oh, yes sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold. She’s beaming. He grins back. Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there? Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.
The Priest, The Minister and The Rabbi A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a large, diverse University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. Well, he says, I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation. Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. All in all, he was in horrible shape. The rabbi looks up and says, Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
Hair Fragrance Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, So what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, It’s Keith, the midget.
Alternate meanings From The Washington Post 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Give a child the gift of time (NSFW) Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars pay she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us. Oh my goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too..? The little girl replied, I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
How to pick up women if you don’t like eye contact. I’m a guy who’s had trouble with women all my life. I’m okay in everyday situations when I don’t have to make too much eye contact, but if I have dinner with a girl and I have to look into her eyes the whole time I get terrified. My friend tried to match me up with his beautiful cousin, and he planned it so that we wouldn’t have to have dinner together. He told me a day and time that she would have coffee in her usual starbucks on East road, before walking to the county court for an apointment. So he gave me the address for her usual starbucks, and I programmed it into my sat nav. I parked down the road from the starbucks, and waited at a distance for her to leave. Just as I was thinking that I wouldn’t know how to identify her, I saw the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. ‘It has to be her’ I thought. Brimming with confidence, I walked over to her and said ‘Excuse me, do you know the way to the county court?’ But just then, a loud voice in my pocket said: `You have reached your destination’
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool
Middle age texting The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I’m on the toilet. Please advise.
Weeds Joke Two mean are at home arguing what the skin between the dick and the asshole is called. one says the gooch the other says the landing strip. The cleaning lady walks in and they ask her, she looks at them and says the coffee table Weeds Joke
A boy and his dad… and Bobo A boy is at his dad’s house, and just like every morning the dad cooks breakfast, sits down to eat and drink his coffee and read the morning paper. When he gets up the boy goes over and flips through the paper and sees an ad, Bobo the Clown is coming to town. He tells his dad Dad! I wanna go see this! His dad says Alright, but you’ll have to earn your ticket. You can go to work with me and I’ll pay you a penny an hour so you can earn your ticket. The kid goes with his dad to work every day for 3 weeks, and at the end of the week the father gives him the money he’s earned. That weekend they go to the circus and the kid buys his ticket, and has just enough money left over for some popcorn and a drink. They sit down, he eats his popcorn and drinks is drink, and the lights go out. Spotlight comes on and out come these huge elephants running around on tiny balls. Whoa so cool! Out come trapeze artists flipping through the air. I’ve never seen anything like that! Then out comes this little car into the middle of the arena. The door opens. Out come big clowns, small clowns, fat clowns, skinny clowns, smart clowns, retarded clowns. Then out steps a huge, tall clown. Clothes all tattered, says Bobo the Clown on the back. Then out steps a midget clown, he pulls out a microphone and hands it to the big clown. Will seat B38 please stand up! The light spins around the arena and stops on the kid. He jumps up, and the clown says I see we found the horse’s ass, lets see if we can find the rest of them. Everybody starts laughing at the kid, he starts crying and runs all the way home and cries himself to sleep. He goes to school the next morning and all the kids are making fun of him. He decides he’s not gonna play around anymore and he’s gonna focus on school. He graduates years later and one of his teachers pulls him to the side, I know what happened to you when you were younger, you had a rough time but pushed through anyway. So I’m gonna put you through college, and you’re going to major in wittiest comebacks. The kid goes to college, coming back on occasion, and when his professor asks how school is he says Good, top of my class! He graduates and stays for a Master’s. He moves off and gets a job, and years later he’s visiting his dad. His dad makes breakfast and sits down to eat and drink his coffee while reading the morning paper. He gets up and the son walks over and flips through paper and comes across an ad: Bobo the Clown is coming to town. He’s been waiting for years for this opportunity, he has a notebook full of things he wants to say to the Clown, but has one circled really big. That weekend he goes to the circus, he buys all the tickets, and has just enough money leftover for some popcorn and a drink. He sits down, eats his popcorn drinks his drink, and the lights go out. Out come these huge elephants running around on little balls. I’ve seen bigger elephants before. Out come trapeze artists flipping through the air. I’ve seen better trapeze artists. Then out comes this tiny car into the middle of the arena. Out come big clowns, small clowns, fat clowns, skinny clowns, smart clowns, retarded clowns. Then out steps this one big, tall clown, clothes even more tattered, say Bobo the Clown on the back. Then out steps a midget clown, pulls out a microphone and hands it to him. Will seat E62 please stand up! Light spins around and stops on the man. I see we found the horse’s ass, lets see if we can find the rest of them! The man snaps his finger, has his own midget come over, hands him a microphone, and he says Hey clown! Fuck you!
The apostles fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane while Jesus was praying. Noticing that they fell asleep, Jesus woke up St. Peter. Huh? What? Oh, sorry, Lord, I forgot the coffee!
How do you keep a moron in suspense? Noticing that they fell asleep, Jesus woke up St. Peter. Huh? What? Oh, sorry, Lord, I forgot the coffee!
A man visits his friend’s home and his wife answers the door… …and invites him to come inside. She tells him that her husband is upstairs in the shower and will be down in a few minutes. They both sit down on the couch to wait. After a some light small talk and a bit of silence the man looks at his friend’s wife. You know he starts, your breast look amazing in that blouse. She is a bit startled by his blunt forwardness and awkwardly replies Uhm…thanks. Yeah he replies, I’ll tell you what. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $100 bill and places it on the coffee table in front of them. I will give you one hundred dollars if you let me feel one of them. She looks at him in disbelief. I don’t think that’s a good idea, and my husband is just upstairs. I know, I know. It will be quick. Easiest one hundred dollars you’ve ever made. After some deliberation she agrees. He reaches over and cups one of her breasts. Perfect. They truly are amazing. He stops and the wife puts the bill in her pocket. You know, I just have to feel the other one, for another one hundred of course. He says as he pulls out another bill and puts it in her lap. She looks at the money and decides why not, he already felt one. Beautiful he says cupping her other breast in his hand. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Well I really should be on my way. He gets up and leaves, but not without getting one more quick grab before heading out. A few minutes later the wife’s husband comes downstairs. Who was here honey? Oh, just your friend. He stopped by to see you but he just left. Oh, okay he said. Did he happen to give you the $200 he owes me?
Most popular Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony? The guy that can carry two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl? The girl that eats the last donut.
A man had a low libido… …so his wife decided to go to a doctor without his knowledge. She told the doctor about their situation, and he wrote her a prescription. The doctor gave her clear instructions: Only give him one pill about 30 minutes before you plan on having sex. The wife got the prescription and headed home. That night, she was wanting to get hot and heavy with her husband, so she decided to put the meds into his coffee. However, she was convinced that with his libido being almost non-existent, she poured the whole bottle into his cup. That night, the doctor decided to call and check to see how things were going. A young girl answered the phone. Hi, is your mom or dad home? The doctor asked. Well, my mom is dead, my brother’s crying that his butt hurts, I’m not a virgin anymore, and my dad is running around outside saying ‘here kitty kitty kitty’.
