As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . The plane that’s about to crash!
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this! . wanna feel like a woman
As an airplane is about to crash, the pilot turns on the PA systems and says to the passengers, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that this plane is going down, and is going down quick. The good news is that if we throw some people off the plane we might be able to recover. The pilot then continues, OK, let’s start alphabetically. Are there any African Americans on this plane? No one answers. Are there any black people on this plane? No one answers. Are there any coloured people on this plane? Still no one answers. Sitting somewhere on the plane, however, a black kid turns to his dad and asks, I thought we were African American, black, and colored? His dad answers, No son not today. Today, we’re going after the Mexicans. Airplane going down
As he is taking the tickets from the passengers and allowing them board, he notices one man still standing at the window, looking at the plane. Once everyone else has walked down the passageway towards the jet, the attendant walks over to the man and asks if he is supposed to be on the plane. This plane takes off at 7:05 and gets into Birmingham at 7:07? The man asks. Uh, yes sir, it does. The attendant responds, due to the hour gained during flight. Are you ready to board now? Nope , he quickly replies, I just wanna see the sumbitch take off. A front desk attendant at Delta is beginning to board passengers for a flight from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama…
As he is watching, a music video for Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix comes on. The horse gals in love with the song. Then, he explores more of Jimi Hendrix’s discography and soon enough he’s a full on Jimi Hendrix fan. After some time of being a Hendrix fan, the horse is inspired to be a guitarist. He gets all the money he has and buys a low-end used Stratocaster. He begins to learn how to play, and quickly enough, he knows how to play every Jimi Hendrix song. He can play every riff flawlessly. Then the horse decides, This isn’t enough . He wants to start a band. He had heard about this chicken who is an absolute beast at bass. So he finds the chicken and he asks him to join him. The chicken, who has a deep passion for music, accepts gladly. The chicken begins to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and soon enough, he can play the bass of every song perfectly. But the two needed more band members. There is an older cow on the farm who used to play drums. They ask him, Would you like to join our band? But the cow seemed sad. The cow said, I would love to, but I sold my drums some time ago. The horse and chicken decide to buy a drum set for the cow. After they presented him with the drum set, the cow jumped with joy. Nostalgia running through his veins, he gets on the drums and rips it. The rumors were true; the cow was a legendary drummer. Flattered by the horse and chicken’s efforts, the cow couldn’t help but join the band. The cow began to listen to Jimi Hendrix, and could play every one of his songs in no time. Now they have three amazing musicians, but something was missing: vocals. None of them could sing. The chicken then remembers a pig from college who used to be in music class with him. After much searching, they found the pig’s whereabouts; it was a farm only 10 miles north! They travel to the other farm and find the pig. He is working on the field in his farm. They ask him, We’re starting a band, but none of us can sing. Would you like to join us? The pig looks at the ground under him, and then at his dirty hooves. He tells them, Since I was a boy, my dream had always been to have a career in music. How I ended up here, I don’t know. I’ll join, because a career in music is my dream. No matter the risks, I’m on board. And so, the pig joined, and listened to Jimi Hendrix, and learned every lyric to every Jimi Hendrix song. Thus started the beginning of the Barnyard Bros. At first, they were just a Jimi Hendrix cover band. They received a nice, modest following of fans. They could emulate the Jimi Hendrix Experience flawlessly. The resemblance was uncanny. They were started to get the ball rolling. Then the horse, the one who started it all, said again, This isn’t enough . They decided that if they were going to be big, it had to be their own music they were playing. They started to write their own music, and eventually recorded their first studio album. And everyone loved it. Their fan base was growing faster then they could ever imagine. Their album has sold over a million copies. Number 1 on iTunes. Number 1 on Google Play. Number 1 played album on Spotify. They were everywhere. They were the most popular band in the world. The horse’s old farmer gets a call. It’s from Jimmy Kimmel’s manager. Kimmel wants them on the show. The farmer calls up the horse and tells him of this opportunity. The horse is ecstatic. He and his band get to be on TV! What the horse did not know is that his farmer is a huge Jimmy Kimmel fan. It’s been his dream to attend the show, but he hasn’t had the finances to do so. He asks the horse, Please, can you find it in your heart to take me? The horse loved his farmer very much. His farmer was the one who gave him his job. Had it not been for that job, he would have never got that guitar, never started a band, and never would have been in the position he was in. The horse then agrees to take the farmer to see Jimmy Kimmel, and decides to give a little more. An all expenses paid, week long trip to LA, so the farmer can enjoy the city after he goes to the show. The horse flies to LA a week before the rest to finalize the deal. He meets with Kimmel and his manager and sings the deal. It’s official; the Barnyard Bros will be on the Jimmy Kimmel show. The rest of the band and the farmer get on their flight to LA. But tragedy strikes. An engine fails. The plane is losing stability, but can still fly. In a few minutes, the other engine begins failing. The plane begins to plummet. The plane nose dives into the ground and crashes. There are no survivors. Everyone, the chicken, the cow, the pig, and the farmer, gone. The horse hears about the news, and begins to break down in tears. This is my fault. he said to himself. The horse blamed himself for their deaths because he had started this band. They wouldn’t be on that plane if he hadn’t had the stupid idea to get the band together and go on the Kimmel show. He cancelled his appointment to be on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, as the Barnyard Bros were no more. The horse, seeing as his friends were no longer alive, decides that he doesn’t deserve to live either. He buys a bottle of oxycodone. His idea is to just overdose and end his life. He goes to a bar in LA and asks for the drink with the most alcohol. The bartender looks at the horse. The horse is visibly upset. Now the bartender is a nice guy. He doesn’t like seeing people in a bad mood and always does his best to help. So the bartender approaches the horse, and asks him, Hey, why the long face? A horse is watching MTV…
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . A man boarded a plane and took his seat
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba. A man boarded an airplane
As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure? She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What’s your Business at this convention? Lecturer, she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. Really? he said. And what kind of myths are there? Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. I’m Sorry, she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name. Tonto, the man said, Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba . Obviously not my joke, but it gave my abs a good workout. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat…
As I was about to catch a plane, I thought My dog would be proud. I went to an airport the other day.
As it approaches the city, the captain announces, If you look to your right, you can see the Statue of Liberty. Passengers start moving towards the right windows to get a closer look. The plane crashes almost immediately. What happened? Too many poles in the right half of the plane. A plane is flying to New York from Poland.
As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot. Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick…. You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman? asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess. Yes, sir, replied the stewardess. So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are all women in command. I must see this for myself, said the passenger. Please take me to the cockpit. We don’t call it that any more, sir, replied the stewardess. All-Female Crew
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy? The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose. Pilot Choice
As the passengers settle into their seats, a voice comes on over the intercom. Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Delta Airlines Flight 1 from London-Heathrow to New York-JFK. Our flight time is approximately 7 hours and 48 minutes. We’re pleased to announce that this is our first flight using our automated control system. There is no pilot in the cockpit. But don’t worry, we have been testing this technology extensively for five years, and we can assure you that absolutely nothing can go wrong *ssskt* go wrong *ssskt* go wrong *ssskt* go wrong… A flight is boarding at London’s Heathrow Airport.
As the plane plummets towards the ground, the three realize that their only chance is to jump for it. Daniel Craig cries out, God save me! and leaps from the plane. He lands in a huge haystack and walks away unharmed. Pierce Brosnan yells out, God save me! and jumps as well. He lands in some thick bushes and walks away with only a few scratches. Sean Connery, likewise, calls out God save me! and jumps…. He lands in a barbershop. Daniel Craig, Pierce Brosnan, and Sean Connery are in a plane when the engine blows out…
As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. B’jeesus said Paddy Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is . You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy , replied Seamus. Dis is gonna be one a de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see said Paddy. You’re not fookin kiddin Paddy , replied Seamus. Right Seamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse said Paddy. Right, I’ll be doing dat replied Seamus. And den ye put de flaps down straightaway said Paddy. Right, I’ll be doing dat replied Seamus. And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can said Paddy. Right, I’ll be doing dat replied Seamus. And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul said Paddy I be doing dat already replied Seamus. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the fla ps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life . Seamus looked out the side window and replied Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is . — Source: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=169461 Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night with Paddy the Pilot and Seamus the co-pilot.
As they are packing, the statistician puts a bomb in his suit case. Good god, what’s that for? His wife asks. Well, there’s low odds of one bomb being on a plane, what are the odds of there being two? A statistician and his wife are going I vacation.
As they leave the airport from Heathrow and fly to america the Englishman has a bright idea. He turns around and says to the other two of his friends, why don’t we throw some money out of the plane for good luck . Brilliant idea they both turn around and say. So the Englishman goes first. He throws a 50 pence coin out of the airplane as they fly over England. When they fly over Scotland the Scottish man thinks, well i want more luck than the Englishman . So he throws a 1 pound coin out of the window. As the plane flies over Ireland the Irishman thinks Well i don’t have any money all i have is this grenade from the surplus store So he throws the grenade out of the window for good luck. Now when they all get home from the trip the Englishman comes home to see his mother crying. Why are you crying? He asks his mum. A 50 pence coin fell out of the sky and killed the cat. The Scottish man comes home to see his father crying. Dad why are you crying? . A 1 pound coin fell out the sky and killed the dog . Yet when the Irishman gets home he sees his grandad laughing. Grandad why are you laughing? The Irishman asks. Well ol boyo i farted and teh neighbors blew up . An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man all board a plane to America….
As they walk through the wildness the son boasts about how being educated makes him appreciate nature, evolution, etc. To which the father just shrugs and continues along. When they reach their camping site, they set-up their tent and fell asleep. Unable to sleep properly, the father wakes up his son after few hours. Son, what do you see when you look up in the sky? I see millions, perhaps billions of stars And what does that mean, Son? Well – many of them are probably galaxies that can house a million earth like planets. In the grand scheme of things it just makes us in this tiny moat of dust called earth seem insignifi… The father just then hit the son in his head with a pan Idiot! it means someone stole out tent!! An illiterate Father went camping with his highly educated Son…
As two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five. You know, says one pilot to the other, one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re gonna die. Airplane passengers watch nervously
as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All of the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, Don’t forget the coffee! On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ”One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.” A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. ”I have come, my comrade, to try your game.” ”Very well. Come with me.” Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ”Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.” ”But my friend, where is the danger in this?” Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ”One of them is a cannibal.” Zambian Roulette
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happened that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ”One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.” A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. ”I have come, my comrade, to try your game.” ”Very well. Come with me.” Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ”Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.” ”But my friend, where is the danger in this?” Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ”One of them is a cannibal.” Zambian version of Russian Roulette
As we were landing, the captain said Ladies and gentlemen, here we are in London. Our flight today has taken six hours and twenty seven minutes. I shouted Is that a record? The captain replied No, it’s me talking. My flight from New York to London just landed.
At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable. That’s correct , said the boss. Another glass, please. It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results. Absolutely correct. A third glass. It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive, calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it, It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father. Wine Taster!
at Dublin Airport crying his eyes out. What’s the problem asked a fellow passenger. I’ve lost all my luggage , he wailed. How did that happen? The cork fell out. An Irishman was sitting next to a conveyor belt
At JFK Airport in New York, a guy walks into an elevator and sees a woman in uniform, mini skirt, jacket – some stewardess. The guy intrigued by this situation says: \- Hello, you fly USA Airways? A woman does not say anything, just looks at him in surprise. The guy he thought so what, he’ll try again: \- Flugen Sie Lufthansa, ja? [You fly Lufthansa] More confused, the woman looks at him and says nothing. Oh well, he thought the guy … I’ll try again: \- Volare sinora Alitalia? [You fly Alitalia?] Then the woman says: \- A w mordę chcesz palancie?! [Do you want me to smack you in the mouth, jerk?!] \- Aha, LOT Polish Airlines! Edit: added German and Italian translation for the unilinguals. Another Polish joke, translated
At least our planes take off and land at an airport. Say what you will about terrorism in Europe
At least two illegal immigrants were caught on camera boarding the plane. CNN has confirmed that aliens might actually be involved in the disappearance of Flight 370.
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, There are 3 sides to every triangle. When asked to comment on the arrest, a TSA employee obtusely said, If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. Tomorrow I intend to go to the hill and address Congruence about this situation. I have a volume of suggestions and a finite series of common solutions for them to consider. The President then warned, These weapons of math instruction are without parallel and have the potential to decimal everything on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of an infinity Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of kindness. If we enter a phase in which all nations are integrated in all degrees of purpose, that steady state will give us slope for a better tomorrow, and we will all be infinitely better off. In such a case we could have our pi and eat it too. The President further declared, I am gratified that we have been given a sine that al-Gebra is protracting this situation with calculusing disregard. Their murky statisticians plan to inflict plane of new dimensions on every sphere of influence, he added. Under these circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our points, draw our lines, and proportionally intersect these people throughout whatever area of the domain they range. And, above all, we must make sure that they can’t get their hands on radii active materials. That is one thing you can secant. What we need is a higher quotient of linguists embedded with our troops so that they can interpolate the gibberish that al-Gebra uses to communicate. If we had that capability, we could periodically reach new limits of success as easily as falling off a natural log. Anything short of that could lead to some real, not imaginary, complex circumstances. The Secretary of Homeland Security added, As our Great Leader would say, Read my ellipse.’ The one angle that I am uncertainty of is that although al-Gebra will probability try to continuously multiply in theorem, their days are numbered as we draw the hypotenuse ever tighter around their necks. A man was arrested at Kennedy Airport today…
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, There are 3 sides to every triangle. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. A man was arrested i Kennedy airport today….
At the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who is standing next to a ladder that rises up into the clouds. Welcome, St. Peter said, to your great reward. The newly deceased man stood speechless looking around, trying desperately to process and understand the reality of the view that stood before him. His eyes wandered over to the ladder. As he looked it up and down, St. Peter notices his fascination. He smiles and informs the man that he may enter paradise there, through the pearly gates, or he could climb the ladder to success. The man stood silent, considering his options, as well as the odd fact that heaven might have a ladder, let alone one that would lead to success. He figured, however, that he was already dead, and his luck could only really go up from here. He walked over to the ladder, giving one last look at St. Peter and his pearly gates, and started to climb up into the clouds. Below him, fading into the haze, St. Peter’s welcoming smile. The man climbed until he reached another level of solid ground, or rather what might be considered solid ground in heaven’s cloudy plane. He hopped off the ladder and stood in front of another gate, this one gold. There was no St. Peter this time to usher him in to eternity. In his place stood two beautiful women, easily two of the most beautiful he had ever seen, on this plane or in life. They greet the man and inform him that, like below with St. Peter, he may enter paradise there or climb the ladder to success. The man looked up at the ladder which stretched still upwards into the clouds. He had neglected to consider that there might be more after this. As before, he considered his options. He quickly came to the conclusion that he would be an absolute fool to not continue upwards. He bid the lovely ladies farewell and continued his trek upwards to success. Again, the man reached another solid stretch of clouds that held yet another gate and two new women in front. The gate this time, however, was a shimmering platinum that seemed to reflect or even glow with all the glory heaven might offer. This gate’s keepers were two even more beautiful women who, as each other entity had done before here at the entrance to the afterlife, inform him of his option to enter heaven there or to climb the ladder to success. While he was in awe of the beauty, this time he barely took his foot off of the ladder before he was right back on it, smiling like a little child who finally understood Christmas. He climbed to the next level, hopping off the ladder and tripping over himself, giddy at the prospect of the next site he might witness. Just like his previous experiences so far, he was not disappointed. His eyes looked upon a site his years on earth had given him no vocabulary to describe. I am also sad to inform you that even I, telling you this story, fail at finding words. This was the gate to paradise. This was the promise of providence and the testament to both the power and the glory that was spoken of in psalms and uttered on the breaths of billions and billions of tiny prayers whispered by souls forgotten in the eternal ether. This gate was the proof those prayers were heard. The man learned the meaning of the word awe as he stood slumped, Slack-jawed, and speechless as his tearing eyes took in the site. From seemingly out of no where walked this gate’s keeper, a woman whose beauty was unmatched. She appeared to the man to be the sum of all of existence’s beauty, grace, and kindness. She met the poor newly-lost soul with a tender caress, speaking, Poor, wanderer, I know you have come so far to reach here, not just climbing, but with the long, testing journey that is life. Here, she grabbed his hand and led him to the entrance you may enter and receive your great reward. The man stood in front of eternity frozen, letting a gentle breeze blow across his cheek, through his hair, and through his fingers. He smiled a true, honest, pure smile. The peaceful moment was broken by the angelic creature, who, again, placed the same offer in front of him as before: You are free to enter here, but the ladder to success continues on, if you wish. For a moment, the man thought that this might be enough. Why push it any farther? On the other hand, look at what he was able to witness! How could he not continue upwards? What could possibly be next? It is your choice: enter here, or continue on the ladder to success. The man backed away, almost painfully, and started walking one slow, agonizing footstep at a time towards the ladder. He got to the ladder, put one foot on the rung, and gave one last gaze upon the wonder before him as he climbed upward. At the next and, as he would soon find out, final plane, the man hopped off the ladder. He looked up and saw it didn’t continue on into the clouds! He had reached the top! He had climbed to the top of the ladder to success! As he eagerly awaited the final glory, he watched the ladder to success disappear and the hole it came through close. He stood looking out on an endless field of clouds, looking for a gate. This time, though, there was no gate and no girl. Out from the distance walked a big balding man in sweats and a tank top scratching his nuts. Shocked, the dead man asked the new figure, who are you? Are you God? No, the being replied, I’m Ces. A man dies and gets to the pearly gates
At the Serengeti airport. Where is the Serengeti Plain?
Attention passengers we are sorry for the bumpy landing. It was not the pilots fault. It was not the flight attendants fault. It was not the planes fault. It was the asphalt. The pilot announces after a very bumpy landing
audi, Chinese, Mexican and an American. While flying the plane began experiencing difficulties and the pilot determined the reason being a heavy load. So he suggested that every one gets rid of some unnecessary luggage by tossing it out the window, otherwise they will crash. The Saudi man had a barrel of oil, so he tossed it out telling the others that there are a lot of oil in his country so he didn’t really need it and it could be replaced rather easily. The Chinese man grabbed a big bag of rice, tossed it out and said the same thing. The American man looked around and he saw the Mexican guy, so he grabbed him and threw him out the window and said the same thing Four passengers flying on a small plane
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. Tell me, she said suspiciously, what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane? The actuary looked through his tables and said, A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand. She nodded, then thought for a moment. So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane? Again he went through his tables. Extremely remote, he said. About one in a billion. Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her. Odds.
Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. * Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb! *. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but ‘she ain’t gonna listen to nobody!’ One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers.. * ….and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million! *, proves the mathematician. * Really?….and what would you say are the chances of…2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane? *, she asks, curiously… * That would be less than one in a billion! C’mon, Aunt Bessie…you should go! * * Huh…fine…I’ll go! *, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag. Aunt Bessie figures it all out…
Barack Obama, Shinzo Abe (PM of Japan), and Bashar Al-Assad (Syrian president) are cruising in Air Force One. As they’re flying over the US, Barack turns to the other two and says This is how much I love my people and throws a quarter out of the plane. When they’re over Japan, Shinzo says Well this is how much I love my people and throws a bag filled with 100 yen coins out of the plane. Over Syria, Bashar says Oh yea? Well this is how much I love my people and proceeds to throw a bomb out of the window. When they land in the US, Barack sees a kid crying and asks what’s wrong. The kid replies My dad was mowing the lawn when a quarter fell out of the sky and hit him in the head and he died. After landing in Japan, Shinzo sees a kid crying and asks what’s wrong. My mom was putting out the laundry to dry when a bag of yen fell out of the sky and killed her! the child responds. When Bashar lands in Syria, he sees a kid laughing hysterically. WHAT IS SO FUNNY?! he yells at the child. My grandma was kneeling for prayer, and when she bent down, she farted and the whole house exploded!!! Three leaders of nations are on a plane…
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Robin replies, I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman? Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: Robin, someone has stolen our tent. Batman and Robin are camping in the desert …
Because he can’t get it through the airport metal detectors. Why Won’t Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He’d Drink It For A Full Month…?
Because he planned to blow up a plane. Why was the mathematician detained at the airport?
Because he was on a higher plane. Why couldn’t the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets?
Because hes not a planet. Why is Mickeys dog named Pluto?
Because I turned on airplane mode, and thought it would turn my Iphone into a plane… Why did I throw my phone out of my window?
Because its a gas planet Why are there no jews on jupiter
Because it’s a gas planet Why don’t Jews go to Jupiter?
Because its a gas planet! Why don’t Jews live on Jupiter?
Because its a gas planet! Its also why Hitlers gas bills were so high. *i intentionally said Jewpiter instead of Jupiter* Why do Jews try avoiding Jewpiter?
Because its a gas planet. They should call Jupiter JEWpiter
Because it’s a gas planet. Why are there no Jews on Jupiter?
Because mars is the red planet. I think that, in the space race, the U.S.S.R. got to Mars first.
Because poles in the right hand plane are unstable. Did you know that Polish aircraft do not have seats on the right side of airplane?
Because the pilot kept ending sentences with a preposition, over. Why did the English major break up with the pilot?
Because the pilot light was out. Why didn’t the oven get its TV show green lit?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread Why couldn’t the plane fly?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread Why did the airplane fall out of the sky?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread Why did the plane crash
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Why did the Boeing 747 crash into an orphanage?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Why did the pilot crash the plane?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! Now he’s toast Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. Why did the plane crash into the mountain?
Because their planes kept missing the Eiffel Tower. Why did the terrorists have to blow up a Paris nightclub?
Because they all have terrible pilots. Why don’t Malaysian TV shows get commissioned?
Because they all shot pilots. Why’s Guantanamo Bay full of actors?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and all they got was plane. Why were the people in the World Trade Center mad on 9/11 ?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane. Why were the twin towers sad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, and they only got plane. Why were the people in the twin towers pissed off?
Because they ordered pepperoni, but all they got was plane. Why were the people in the twin towers mad?
Because twins being destroyed by planes is too clich , I guess. Why did the identical twins survive the plane crash?
Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said I know my students very well. And I’m sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won’t even start! A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane…
Before jumping out of the plane, they decide to toss a lucky item out the door, to ensure a safe landing. The American tosses his lucky Silver Dollar and then jumps out. The Englishman tosses his lucky Sterling Silver coin and then jumps. The Terrorist drops his lucky grenade and then jumps. The American lands first. Upon landing he sees a little boy crying hysterically. Why are you crying little boy? He asks. A Silver Dollar came down from the sky and killed my dog The American, guilty, sneaks away from the situation. The Englishman lands next. He sees a little girl crying hysterically. Why are you crying little girl He asks A Sterling Pound coin fell from the sky and struck and killed my little cat The Englishman, also knowing he was guilty, sneaks away. The Terrorist lands last. Upon landing, he sees a little boy laughing hysterically. Little boy, what is so funny? Why can’t you stop laughing? He curiously asks Controlling his laughter, he responds: Well sir, my little brother farted and the living room exploded!!! An American, an Englishman, and a Terrorist are getting ready to skydive…
Benny. One day, Benny was strolling along the banks of the Nile, minding his own business. However, he came across an urn, buried in the sand. The urn was all dusty and dented and cracked and bent and generally broken. However, Benny decided to rub the urn with his sleeve, thinking he might be able to get a few coins out of it. But suddenly, out of the urn came a Genie! The genie stretched and yawned and said: Oh! Thank you! Thank you so much! I can’t tell you how long I’ve been in that urn! You’re a lucky man, fella. Very lucky. Why? said Benny. Because you’ve got wishes coming your way, friend. Three, to be exact. So Benny thought for a while and said, Ok, I want some new threads. And thus he got a fancy toga. And then he said I could use a new house. And a fancy mansion made of fine marble popped up. Finally, Benny said: And, for my final wish, I’d like to be immortal. I wanna live forever. The genie was taken back a bit and thought for a while: Well, that’s, um, that’s a bit of an expensive wish, you see. Hm. Tell you what. I’ll make you immortal, but on one condition. You can never, ever, shave your beard or cut your hair. If you do, you’re gonna get sucked into an urn. That’s how I ended up like this. Deal? Deal, said Benny. So the Genie granted his wish and Benny began wandering the world. He saw Rome rise and fall, the Dark Ages get lighter, the New World grow and prosper. He went all over the planet, from China to Germany to Canada to Brazil. But all this time, Benny had never fallen in love. But one day, Benny came across a beautiful woman on the beach. He walked up to her and introduced himself. And as the woman brushed the hair out of his face they gazed into each other’s eyes, and it was love at first sight. They danced and they laughed and they sung, and it was a happy time for both of them. One day, on the same beach they had met on, Benny got down on one knee and asked the woman to marry him. The woman thought for a while. Benny, she said, I’ll marry you. But only if you shave your beard and cut your hair. It’s long and dirty and full of rats, and whenever we go to see a movie it takes up eight seats. Benny sat down and mulled this over. The Genie and the urn were long gone, he thought. Who would notice if he cut his hair and shaved his beard. He happily agreed, and went to the pharmacy and bought 400 disposable razors and 25 cans of shaving cream. He went into the bathroom, and waved to his girlfriend, saying he’d be out in a bit. You could hear the *chic, chic* of the razor and the *pst, pst* of the shaving cream. Then suddenly, it all went quiet. His girlfriend, after a while, knocked on the door. *Tap tap* Benny? *Tap Tap* Benny?! *TAP TAP* BENNY?!? Finally she pushed open the door, and on the ground lay around 8 cubic yards of hair, and an urn. So, there’s a moral to this story. And that moral is, a Benny shaved, is a Benny urned. This is the story of an Egyptian named…
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. Al, what do you believe in? Al replies, Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that, if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die. God thinks for a second and says, Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left. God then addresses Bill. Bill, what do you believe in? Bill replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no-one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain. God thinks for a second and says, Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right. God then address Hillary. Hillary, what do you believe in? I believe you’re in my chair. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed…
Bill knew that Joe had just gotten back from a parachuting trip, so he asked him how it went. Joe described his experience in great detail. Well, I’m terrified of heights, as you know, so they had to pretty much pin me down to get my parachute on my back. Then they stood me in front of the door and told me to jump. I said NO! I wouldn’t jump, so the pilot put the plane on cruise-control and came back to help. He told me, ‘You jump out of the plane or I fuck you in the ass.’ Bill quickly asked, Well did you jump? Joe responded with, Well, a little at first. Bill and Joe are sitting at a bar…
Billy and Buddy, two mechanics at the CLT airport learned they could drink jet fuel as a way to save money on alcohol and even better they heard there is no hangover… Billy..let’s get fuckered up. The next morning Buddy got a call from Billy and Billy said..how do you feel. Buddy said you know I feel good. I don’t have a hangover at all. Then Billy asked, well have you farted yet? No, Buddy said. Well Don’t I just did and now I am in Nashville! Getting F*ckered Up On Jet Fuel
Billy Bob is applying for a job at this big company and after the preliminary interview, one of the HR managers tells him: You know, we’d love to take you, Billy Bob, we really do, but there’s so many people applying for this job and you don’t have any experience and don’t have much of an education – you would have to have some connections to get it. Billy Bob replies: Well, I know the senator, does that help? The managers obviously don’t believe him, so they ask him to prove it. Billy Bob picks up a phone and calls some number. It’s the senator’s office. They chat for a while, Billy Bob asks how’s the wife doing, senator invites himself to Billy Bob’s next bbq, they have a laugh and then Billy Bob hangs up. The HR managers are looking a bit shocked but they says: You know, Billy Bob, alright, you know the senator. But really, who doesn’t? At this time and age, knowing your senator isn’t really that special. You would really have to have some higher up connections to get this job. Billy Bob replies: Well, I know Obama, does that help? The managers think that it’s bullshit and tell Billy Bob to prove it. He picks up the phone, calls the White House and is immediately transferred to Obama’s office. They chat for a while, Billy Bob asks how’s Michelle doing, Obama invites himself to Billy Bob’s next bbq, they have a laugh and then Billy Bob hangs up. The managers can’t believe what they just heard, but still say: You know, Billy Bob, alright, you know Obama. But really, who doesn’t? At this time and age, knowing the president isn’t really that special. We still can’t give you the job. You would really have to have more connections than that… So Billy Bob replies: I know the Pope. Does that help? The managers call bullshit on Billy Bob and say that they really can’t believe that. So to prove it, Billy Bob says, they should go to Vatican. They get on the first flight to Rome, get to Vatican, walk into St Peter’s where the Pope is serving a mass, Billy Bob walks up to the Pope, just nonchalantly nodding to the guards, and they have a good chat, Billy Bob asks him how’s God doing, Pope invites himself to Billy Bob’s next bbq, they have a laugh and then Billy Bob says goodbye and walks back to the managers. They have a look of total amazement on their faces, not being able to say a thing, so Billy Bob asks them: What? So I know the Pope. But really, who doesn’t, right? At this time and age, knowing the Pope isn’t really that special, is it? and the managers just shake their head: No, that’s not it. When you were talking to the Pope, there were some Japanese tourists here, pointing at you, looking surprised, and then they asked: ‘Who the hell is that old guy up there talking with Billy Bob?’ Billy Bob applying for a job…
Bob and Jeff are talking amongst themselves, when Bob says I know every single person in the world. Jeff says That’s not possible! There’s no way you can know everybody in the world. Okay, Bob replies with a smug look, I’ll prove it. Let’s go see my friend Bill Gates. With that, they hop in a plane and fly to Medina, Washington and drive to Bill Gates’ house. When they arrive at the front gate, a little screen activates and Bill’s face shows up on the screen. Bob! It’s great to see you again! Please come inside! After having lunch with Bill Gates, Jeff still doesn’t believe Bob. I’m calling bullshit. You knowing Bill Gates was a lucky strike. There’s no way you know Obama. Let’s go say hello, shall we? Once again, the two men get into a plane and fly to the White House, where they are greeted by Barack Obama. Hi, Bob! How are you? It’s been too long. Bob and Jeff proceeded to have a wonderful dinner with Obama. After they left, Jeff looked over at Bob. I’m amazed, but I’m absolutely sure that you don’t know Queen Elizabeth. Actually, I was planning on seeing her soon anyway. Bob replies, and as you can probably guess, they got into a plane and flew to London, England. When they arrived at Buckingham Palace, there was a huge crowd around the stage where Queen Elizabeth does her famous wave. Man, she’s never going to see me in this crowd! Bob whined. Tell you what, he says as he turns to Jeff, I’ll get into the Palace, and I’ll go up on stage with her. That’ll prove I know her. Fine, Jeff says. Bob went into the palace, and Jeff waited in this huge crowd for a few minutes. Then, the Queen walked up with Bob and they did the famous wave. When Bob came back into the crowd, he could see an ambulance with Jeff on a stretcher. Jeff! Bob shouted, What happened? Jeff looked up at Bob and said When I saw you up on the stage, I was pretty impressed. Then, I passed out when the guy next to me said ‘Hey, who’s that lady up there with Bob?’ I know everybody!
Bob and Peter decide to go on a camping trip, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Bob awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Peter, look up at the sky and tell me what you see. Peter replied, I see millions of stars. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Bob? You idiot. Someone has stolen our tent! Camping trip…
Bob and Steve were on an aeroplane. Bob was horny and asked Steve if they should start having sex. Steve of course refused because everyone would notice. Bob replied No, don’t worry. Look! and he stood up and shouted CAN I PLEASE HAVE A PENCIL in which noone replied or even looked at him. The sleeping were asleep, the reading were reading. They both start having sex and sure enough, noone realised. When the plane landed, an old man vomited. The flight attendance came over to clean it and asked the old man Why didn’t you ask for a plastic bag? He replied There was a man in front of me who asked for a pencil! And he got fucked in the ass! Two gay men were on the aeroplane
Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel. Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, How are you feeling? Tim says he’s fine, never felt better. Bob asks, Do you have a hangover? Tim says no. Then Tim says, Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover. Then Bob says, Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet? Tim says, No, why? Bob says, I’m calling you from Detroit! Two airplane mechanics
Bored, and thinking he could have some fun with her, the lawyer leans over and offers to play a game. We take turns asking each other questions. If you cannot answer my question correctly, you must give me $10. If I cannot answer a question of yours correctly, I will give you $100. Deal? The blonde agrees to play, and they exchange a few simple questions, both getting correct answers. Then the lawyer decides to ask some harder questions. What year did Albert Einstein create his Theory of Relativity? The blonde frowns for a minute or two, then reaches into her purse and wordlessly gives him $10. Okay, your turn. She asks, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? Stumped, the lawyer ponders for a while. It seemed like such a riddle, he even started asking other passengers, and the flight attendants. The blonde didn’t protest, only sat in silence as he wracked his brain. Despite his pride being on the line, after about forty minutes filled with serious contemplation, the lawyer finally gives up and pulls $100 out of his wallet for her. What was the answer, by the way? He asked her. The blonde wordlessly reaches into her purse and gives the lawyer $10. A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to one another on a long flight.
Bring your own bomb! Cause what are the odds that there are **two** bombs on the same plane? What is the best way to avoid having your flight bombed?
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’ Edna always replied, I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, Edna, I’m 85 years old If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ To this, Edna replied, Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks. The pilot overheard the couple and said, Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’ Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Buddy replied, Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’ Fifty Bucks
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna,I’d like to ride in that helicopter’ Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, ‘Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’ To this, Edna replied, Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks’ The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’ Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word… When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’ Buddy replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’ EDIT1: I made it to the front page and my Karma has been destroyed 🙂 EDIT2: You guys can click on my post history and downvote all of my comments for a more efficient way to get back at me, I wanna see if I can get my Karma to 0. Thanks in advance Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
But 2 Wrights make a plane 2 wrongs don’t make a right…
but both of them being very busy at their jobs, they got a call to have emergency meetings at different places of the country. They decided that they will make arrangements for the resort at Africa for them to reach there after their meetings. However, the husband’s meeting was planned to end one day before the wife was finished, so they decided that the husband would stay there for one day and wait for the wife. Everything went as planned, so after he reached the resort and settled in, the husband, out of concern, sent an email to his wife. On the other side of the planet, a recently widowed woman fainted and fell face flat on the floor. Her two boys came running down the staircase after hearing the thump, but she was already dead. In front of her was her computer with an email window open. It read: Dear Wife, Hope everything is alright on your side, everything here is ready for your arrival tomorrow ;). XOXO Your Husband P.S. Its damn hot in here Edit 1: Formatting pointed out by /u/cloudmerchant [Long Joke] A newlywed couple wanted to go on their honeymoon…
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away. When he visited his doctor, the doc said Its nothing serious. You’re just terminally ill . There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But I forgot to planet I wanted to throw an earth day party…
But I forgot to planet. conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
But I forgot to planet. I was going to throw an earth day party
But I guess I should expect it from a bipolar planet. Sometimes this earth seems so crazy to me.
But I lost my plane of thought. I had a joke…
but I still have to shoot the pilot. I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew
But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane. If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.
but I’m afraid it would fall flat, fall short or even just be plane wrong. I would tell a 9/11 joke
But it didn’t get past the pilot They made a TV series about 9/11
But middle eastern pilots only need to know how to say Allahu Akbar. All International Pilots need to know English.
But she just screamed and flew out the plane. I thought it was polite to open doors for women..
But that would just be plane wrong. I would make a 9/11 joke
But there’s a plane heading towards the twin towers right now. I’m using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed…
But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck. the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good
