A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work. When he first entered the bar, he noticed a midget playing the piano. He thought it was a little odd, but he didn’t pay the midget too much attention and he sat down and asked for a beer.
After a few beers the guy has to go to the bathroom. As he is taking a whizz, the urinal awakens.
“Hey! I’m a magic urinal! The urinal says. I can grant you one wish, anything you want!“
“Uhhhhhh…I wish for a million bucks! “
The guy replies. The magic urinal grants the wish. The guy zips up his pants and heads back into the bar only to find ducks everywhere. And I mean everywhere.
He wades through the swarm of ducks and tells the bartender, “Hey, your magic urinal sucks! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!“
The bartender replies, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?“
Young Billy was walking down the sidewalk when he passed his Grandpa Cecil’s house. Grandpa Cecil noticed that Billy was carrying something in his arms.
Hey, Billy. What’s that you have in your arm?
It’s chicken wire. I’m going to catch some chickens with it.
Convinced that Billy was wrong, Grandpa Cecil said Billy, you can’t catch chicken with chicken wire! Not how that works.
Billy shrugs his shoulders and heads off. Later that evening, Billy passes back by and in the chicken wire was a bunch of chickens.
Son of a bitch, Grandpa Cecil muttered to himself.
Billy passes by Cecil’s the next day when Cecil noticed something in Billy’s left hand.
Hey, Billy. Whatcha got there?
It’s duct tape. I’m gonna go catch some ducks with it.
Thinking yesterday was a fluke, Grandpa Cecil said What the hell, Billy. You don’t catch ducks with duct tape!
Same time that evening, Billy passes back by with about 7 or 8 ducks on a line of duct tape. Grandpa Cecil is speechless.
On the third and final day, Billy was walking past Grandpa Cecil’s house. He an extra bounce in his step and was waving around something that Cecil couldn’t make out. Say there, Billy. What’s that you have today?
It’s pussywillow. I’m gonna go get som… Grandpa Cecil interrupted Billy. Oh, hot damn! Hold on, let me get my hat!
A man has a pet duck. The man tries to take his duck to go watch a movie However, the theatre attendants forbids the man from taking his pet duck inside the cinema.
The man does not get discoraged and decides to sneak in his duck by placing it in his pants. He successfully makes it inside the cinema with his duck and sits besides two women.
The man then remembers that the duck has to breathe and so he pulls down his pant’s zipper so the duck may breathe .
Once the movie starts one of the women besides the man tells the other woman, That man’s thing is showing
To this the other woman replies , What’s the matter? Have you not seen one before?
The other woman answered, Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn!
A man walks in holding a duck under his arm and says
“This is the pig I’ve been screwing.“
His wife replies “That’s not a pig it’s a duck.“
Man says. “I was talking to the Duck.”
Why was the Chinese chef embarrassed to change into his uniform?
Because of the Peking Duck.
These 3 guys were working in Afghanistan and got captured by the Taliban .
In attempt of fairness, they were told to pick an animal in which they could make their escape. However, the Taliban would chase them, and if they were caught, they would die.
The first guy choose a horse. He jumped onto the horses back, and rode as fast as he could. Unfortunately it wasn’t fast enough, and the Taliban caught him, and killed him.
The second guy thought that a camel would be more suited to the desert than a horse, and so he choose that. However, after a short chase, the Taliban caught him, and killed him too.
The last guy chose a duck. He then attached 4 springs to the underside of the duck, jumped on the ducks back, flipped off the Taliban, and sped off into the distance. No matter how fast the Taliban chased, he was zooming way off into the distance, and he escaped.
Once he reached home, he headed for the first bar he could find. He walked in, with the duck under his arm and asked for a whiskey.
The barman, a little perplexed asked him what was the story with the duck and the springs.
The guy replied “Ahhh, 4 sprung duck technique“
A Duck Walks Into A Bar A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, ‘Oh my God, a talking duck! What are you doing here?‘
The duck replies, “I’m dry-walling the building across the street. I’ll be in town for a few days.”
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, “Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They’re really interested in meeting with you!”
“Is that so?” quacked the duck.
“There’s a travelling circus in town”, the bartender explained. “The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you’d be a star attraction for them!“
The duck looked puzzled and says, “Why the hell would a circus need a dry-waller?“
What do you call a rubber duck that is bathing with Kendall Jenner?
A lucky duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.
The distressed woman wailed, Are you sure? Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead, replied the vet.. How can you be so sure? she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck. The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. $150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!
The vet shrugged, I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.
A man with two friends A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don’t step on the ducks.
A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says this is who you will spend eternity with .
A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says this is who you will spend eternity with .
After a year the third man hadn’t stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can’t believe it and says what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman .
The woman says I don’t know all I did was step on a duck
Who steals all the soap in the bathroom?
The robber ducky
What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a duck? Monica never blew a duck’s Bill.
What can a swan do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should?
Stick their bill up their ass
A girl I met claimed to have multiple personalities. Is that OK with you? she asked.
Quack quack quack! I responded, then added Apologies, my other personality is a duck. He doesn’t talk much, good listener though.
That’s so interesting! she replied. So how do you understand each other?
Simple, one quack for ‘no’, two for ‘do it’, and three quacks for Why the feck are you asking a duck?’
A man walks into a bar and starts talking to three ducks… He says to the first duck, Hey, little guy! How’s your day been?
The response comes Hi! I’m Hughie and I’m great! I’ve been in and out of puddles all day!
The man talks to the second duck. And how are you doing?
Hi! I’m Dewey and I’m doing fantastic! I’ve been in and out of puddles all day!
The man turns to the third duck and says, Haha, so you must be Louie! How are-
The third duck gloomly interrupts and says No, I’m Puddles and I’m not having a good day.
Cops were quickly called to the scene due to a potential bomb located within the bank.
They were relieved to discover it was only a Howard the Duck DVD.
What happened to the duck?
It got abDUCKted
The four doctors go duck hunting. A family medicine doc, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.
The family doc steps up first. A flock of birds flies into the air. He says, well, they’re probably ducks, shoots one, picks it up, and leaves.
The internist goes next. A flock of birds flies into the air. He says, they could be ducks, but I need to rule out quails, pigeons, geese… By the time he’s done, all the birds are gone.
The surgeon steps up. A flock of birds flies into the air. Bang bang bang bang bang. He picks up one of the fallen birds, hands it to the pathologist and says, tell me if this is a duck.
For more funny duck jokes, check out the other articles in this series
