Donald Meets The Queen of England! Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control. Donald quickly replied: Please don’t give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses .
Why little girls can’t fart Do you know why little girls can’t fart? Because they don’t get a**holes until they get married.
A lady goes into a jewelry store….. … and as she bends over to look at a diamond ring she accidentally lets one rip. Hoping that no one had noticed she motions the salesman over and asks him for the price on the ring. He looks her square in the eye, grins and said Lady, if you farted just looking at it then you will shit yourself when I tell you the price
A private jet… A private Gulf Stream jet arrives at LaGuardia international airport and Donald Trump strides to his limousine which drives him to a reception with Hillary Clinton. From there, they are driven in a black Mercedes to the edge of New York where they change to Hillary’s magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards The Clinton Mansion while enjoying a little champagne, all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets go with the most horrendous and earth-shattering fart ever heard in New York. The fart shakes the coach a little. The smell is atrocious! Hillary and The Donald must use handkerchiefs over their noses and do their best to ignore the incident. Hillary turns to Trump saying, Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even I cannot control. Trump, with his usual political correctness, replied, Hillary, don’t give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
Funny Fart Jokes (family friendly)… A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer! The parents are very happy and ask, That’s amazing Lenny! And what was the question? Sticking out his chest, the boys says, Who farted?
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial A young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap. — Some Sumerian, 1900 BC
Silent farts that don’t stink… An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don’t stink! The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink! Doctor replies, Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing…
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl.. …. in an exclusive lounge. He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, Oh Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world. On the other hand, Port gives me fart.
An attractive young woman was stranded along a road. It was getting late and she had miles to go before she reaches town. There were few cars passing by and she tried desperately to hitch a ride but nobody would stop for her. When it was almost sundown, she heard clacking noise approaching her. Sure enough, when she look down the road, it was an Amish fellow riding his cart towards the way she was walking to. She stopped and waited for him by the side of the road. When he was near enough she called him and said, Hey, can I get a ride? He told her to hop in and that he couldn’t refuse anyone who needs help. The woman hopped in and sat next to him. She saw that the Amish fellow was very good looking but did look somewhat timid. She said, I’m very grateful for this. Tell you what, it looks like you’ve never done anything wild in your life. Every time your horse farts, I’ll let you fuck me. That wouldn’t be necessary, miss. I’m just glad I could help. He said with a blush. After about a few miles, they hear the horse fart loudly. The Amish fellow looked at the woman and saw that she was now undoing her blouse and slipping off her panties under her skirt. He tried to resist her but she got on top of him and had her way with him. She fucked him like there was no tomorrow while the cart wheeled along. After they finish, he said, That was amazing. and continued along the road. A few miles passed, the horse farts again and, now, the Amish fellow being more confident didn’t wait for the woman undo her clothes. While the cart moved and rocked, he had his way with her and they enjoyed every little bit of it. They finish and continued along the road. The Amish fellow was very excited now and wish the horse would fart once more. With his growing excitement, he accidentally releases a loud fart. The cart stopped. The horse looks back at them and says, My turn.
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot. Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. Gentlemen, the Devil started, Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell. The philosopher then stepped up, OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings. With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized! With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. Then, go to Hell! With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, Bring me a chair! The Devil brought forward a chair. Drill 7 holes on the seat. The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, Which hole did my fart come out from? The Devil inspected the seat and said, The third hole from the right. Wrong, said the idiot, it’s from my asshole. And the idiot went to heaven.
Three students all have dinner together… …a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says, Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my anus hurt! The vulgarian says, Crap, dude! That fart hurt my butt-hole! The foreigner who would have understood, Wow, stinky pain! tries to fit in by saying, Broke fart intense butt-hole!
Morning Gas Three students all have dinner together, a sophisticate, a vulgarian, and a foreigner. They return to their shared dorm rooms that night and when they wake up in the morning they all have painful gas. The sophisticate says, Zounds! I just broke wind with such intense vigor my anus hurt! The vulgarian says, Crap, dude! That fart hurt my butt-hole! The foreigner who would have understood, Wow, stinky pain! tries to fit in by saying, Broke fart intense butt-hole!
Grandma and Grandpa Grandma and Grandpa are sitting at church on Easter Sunday, and Grandma leans over and whispers, I just let out a silent fart, what should I do? Grandpa leans back and replies, You should get new batteries for your hearing aids!
What do you call a group of armpit farters? A pit orchestra. Bonus: [World Record for Armpit Farts in 15s](https://recordsetter.com/world-record/most-armpit-farts-15-seconds/9602)
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? bunny farts
A poem for Valentine’s Day Love is the fart of every heart, for when held in it pains the host, but when released pains others most.
Block that kick! So a gay guy walks into a bar and asks for something fruity and the bartender says We only have beer or whiskey so the gay man says okay ill have a beer A minute later another man walks up to the gay guy and says we don’t like your kind here and the gay man says What do you mean you don’t like my kind here? the other man says We don’t like faggots here you need to leave so the gay man says Okay ill leave if you can beat me in a game of football The other man says Okay ill play you in a game of football and the gay man says But its my kind of football and the other man agrees So what are the rules? The rules are you have to chug a beer, pull down your pants and fart, the fart counts as an extra point So the man agrees. First up, the gay man chugs the beer pulls down his pants and farts Woohoo 8 points for me! Its the other man’s turn. He chugs the beer, pulls down his pants and the gay man comes up behind him and says Block that kick! Block that kick!
An old woman goes to the doctor… and talks to him about a problem she is having. I have a terrible time with gas. Luckily, they are silent and scentless. In fact, I’ve farted several times while I’ve been here. While it isn’t ruining my day to day living, it is terribly embarrassing. The doctor thinks a minute and prescribes her some medicine. This should help. Come back in a week. She starts taking the medicine, and a week later she returns distraught. Doctor, the problem has gotten much worse! Now when I pass gas, it smells awful! Okay. Now that we’ve cleared out your sinuses, we can take care of your hearing…
My friend Jane (Best done in first person) So, I have this friend Jane. Now, Jane is a nice gal. She’s a mortician in town and a virgin. I’ve been setting her up for the past 3 years but she won’t seem to close the deal with any of them, even with the more *amazing* men I’ve set her up with. Now, last week Jane calls me up and says hey, can you come to the doctor with me? I need to get some results for some testing I had done I, being the friend that I am, oblige without question. When the doctor came in it was relayed to Jane that she has syphilis and prescribes her some medication. Now, Jane is distraught and she tells me she needs to get some stuff from her work. While at the mortuary I fart around a bit and look over some paperwork on her desk when I come across a paper with info on a male body they have there. One of the notations I see the word syphilis . So Jane comes in the room and I look at her with a serious face and ask Jane? What was the guy that you slept with like? To which she responds to be honest, he was pretty stiff .
My fave Internet joke Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time. Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten. Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind. By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart. Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!
Yo momma is so fat … * when she wants to take a bath, She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water * I crashed into her for 15 minutes * I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing. * She farted in the pool and flooded New Orleans * when she steps on a scale it yells, GET THE FUCK OFF * when she lies around the house, she lies AROUND the house * she jumped out into the road and when I swerved to go around her, I ran out of gas! * when she gets in the elevator, it HAS to go down * her picture weighs 50 pounds * if anybody wants to have sex with her, they have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in * she jumped into the air and got stuck. * Her Patronus is a cake(added) * when I rolled off her after sex – I was still ontop of her. * she doesn’t walk, she rolls. * She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars. * when she got on the scale it said, I need your weight not your phone number. * when she goes to the beach, PETA tries to rescue her. * … I pictured her in my head, and bitch broke my neck. * we’re all inside her right now
This is how the disaster happened. Poop : knock knock. Anal sphincter : who is this?? Poop : Fart. Anal sphincter : OK. Pass!
Evil Genie and 3 wishes A man is walking down a deserted road when he notices a lamp laying off to the side. Knowing about what to do with a lamp from fairy tales he decides why not and rubs it. To his surprise out pops a genie who growls, I will give you infinite power and wealth, but the rule is you have 3 tries to ask me to do something that I can not do. If I perform all 3 I will eat you! The man confused said, can you make a house appear in front of us? The genie grins and casts a spell making a house appear out of thin air. 2 left, he jeers. Now the man is a little worried, but courageously asks, Can you transform the house into a rabbit? Once again the genie casts a spell and the house indeed turns into a rabbit, you look delicious sir. Now the man drenched in sweat and so nervous lets out a loud fart and quickly shouts, Paint it! The genie explodes and vanishes never to be seen or heard of again.
A joke from Italy -Dad, do farts have a weight? -I don’t think so -So….well, I guess I pooped myself
Three men in an airplane… **My brother just reminded me of this joke I used to tell back in 2nd grade like 20 years ago:** There are three men in an airplane: a Russian guy, a Japanese guy and an American. As the plane is flying over Russia, the Russian says I love my country so much I’ll drop a nickel. So he drops a nickel and parachutes down and sees a girl crying. What’s the matter little girl? My dad is choking on a nickel and he’s dying! she exclaims. Back in the airplane, now flying over Japan, the Japanese guy says I love my country so much, I’ll drop a *dime*! He drops a dime and parachutes down to find a girl crying. What’s the matter little girl? My dad is choking on a dime and he’s dying! she says. Back in the plane, now flying over the US, the American guy says I hate my country so much, I’m going to drop a bomb! He drops a bomb and parachutes down to discover a girl laughing… What is so funny little girl? My dad just farted and the house blew up!
I got a new stick of deodorant today The instructions said Remove cap and push up bottom . I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely.
Two guys are sitting in a bar -Oy Mike, how much do you think a fart weights ? -Thats a stupid question it’s, like, air, it doesn’t weights at all -Oh well…I might have shat my pants then
What’s the difference between a girl and a refrigerator ? … Have you ever heard a refrigerator fart when you pull out the meat?
My first night in a luxury hotel, I was relaxing in the bathtub and called room service to order a craft beer… as I was ordering and sitting in the tub, I let a fart. Minutes later, room service arrived with a cheap American beer. I said I didn’t order that. The bellhop said, yes sir. we distinctly heard you say; ‘ Bring me a bottle of Bud, Bub.’
The next time you hear someone cough… John and frank are in a small car on a road trip to vegas, when frank suddenly coughs. John asks: are you sick? Frank says: no, something just got stuck in my throat. John says: I just farted
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice! The doctor says, I see. Take these pills and come back next week. The next week the old lady returns. Doctor, she says, I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens. The doctor says, Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.
Wife came home 3 hours late from a party I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, I promise . Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my huaband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict withe him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him, Midnight … He didn’t seem pissed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, We need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked him why he replied, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said, ‘oh, shit’. Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted .
Fart Football An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’ His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’ A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’ After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’ Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’ Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’ The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides
I accidentally switched toothpaste with hemorrhoid cream… Now my sore tooth’s better and my farts are minty fresh.
My girlfriend thinks I’m a gentleman for waiting for her to go inside before I drive away. When really I’m just letting out about 6 hours’ worth of farts.
What type of matter can be both a solid and a liquid? Fecal matter It can also be plasma if you poop on the sun….can also be a gas if you fart. Also can be dinner if your hungry.
Sorry if this is old Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.
A girl is visiting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time … and as soon as she enters the home she farts. To mask that she points at the lamp on the table and tells the parents You have such a beautiful lamp! . The dad in response says I bet you will shit yourself when you see our living room chandelier . Edit: word
The Abominable Night This joke takes place in a regular September night, somewhere in a city. *A black cat with a little white spot on the neck is sitting on a stonewall, slowly swaying her tail from side to side. Her eyes are focused on a man walking across the street.* He enters the pub. Rather sad looking he takes a seat at the counter and orders two double whiskies. As soon as they arrive, he pours them down and orders the next. *If the cat outside had the possibility and and the necessary desire to see what was happening inside the pub, she would have witnessed this scenario over and over again for quite some time. But she didn’t.* Meanwhile in the bar, a woman approaches the man. She sits down next to him and starts talking. Her name is quite interesting and strange sounding, but irrelevant for the sake of this joke. The two share a few words, compliments and shots and leave the bar. They go to his place and straight into the bedroom. Slowly the door closes behind them, leaving nothing in the hallway but the reflection of the moonlight on the floor, and some rhythmic noises coming through the door. ___ A few hours pass. ___ *Outside, the cat has come to a decision. After stretching herself just long enough, she jumps from the wall and ambles towards the big tree. She hears the water splashing from behind the tree, coming from a small river. And behind that river, she had seen another big tree. If her observations turn out to be correct, the branches of the two trees should at one point be close enough to go for the jump.* The man slowly wakes up. He starts to remember that he brought a woman home last night and turns over to her side. Gasping. The sheer look of horror. Everything. Covered. In. Blood. * I must have killed her! * he thinks to himself. He rushes into the living room and looks into his safe where his pistol and bullets are stored. But everything is where it is supposed to be. * How? * he asks himself, running into the kitchen to check on his Asian knife collection. But like in the safe, everything is there – clean and not bloody. He tumbles towards the bathroom, where he sees himself in the mirror. Gasping. He is shocked. With the sudden realization dizziness comes over him. * Dear Lord.. *, he’s stuttering, * I must have eaten her. *. *Outside, the cat has reached the furthest branch of the tree on her side. Standing here, ready to jump, the distance to the other tree suddenly appears farther. But she had come so far, why stop now. She takes a deep breath and jumps. Unfortunately she doesn’t make it, so she falls down into the water.* tl;dr: Long foreplay, wet pussy. [8]
When your manager pisses you off and you have his personal email. Dear, John (Store Manager) You there sir have some very big balls! After all the shit i have done to help you and the store you turned upside down with your shitty management skills you want to tell me if i don’t like it i should leave? Like everybody else right? You expect for me to slave away to your idiotic demands and when you can no longer manipulate me i leave under your command? Never!! I want you to take a look around you at store *** and look who’s still there since you became a manager at Office depot… Lisa, David and me! Where is everybody else John? You ran them off.. They didn’t want to advance in life they didn’t just find other jobs, They left because everybody hates your fucking guts in case you haven’t noticed yet! managers, employees, customers, everybody hates you! you are rude, you are a compulsive LIAR and you just always got to have the last word and you got to have an answer for everything don’t you? I have heard you lie to customers, coworkers and even yourself just to feed into your own arrogance! You are ridiculous! You have control issues dude and i am quiet sure you don’t know that because you continue to tell yourself that you are doing the right things. You like to have people around that you can manipulate and lie to and guess what? I will not be one of those people! I have sat in that store and listened to your bullshit excuses and bullshit lies long enough and to be honest i hate hearing you talk because just a bunch of bullshit comes out of your mouth and you know it. You allowed William to come to store *** and completely fuck the Tech bench up! When i tried to tell you about it i was the judge and juror right? But have you done 1 thing in that store to solve any issues? No! All you do is eat, fart and point fingers and tell everybody else what to do! You have some nerve dude… I have bussed my ass for your liking and now when i refuse to continue to let you lead me in the wrong direction i should quit? No i will not quit and you will not make me! You make terrible decisions! Stupid idiotic decisions and everybody in the store just wants to run and sit in corners and talk about it because they are in fear of saying something and losing their jobs. Well i guess i will be the one to speak for everyone then. The store is horrible, everybody is unhappy, you have forced all the good workers out the store with your shitty attitude and smart ass mouth! And God knows how many customers have not came back to the store because of your rudeness and bullshit. talking to you is like talking to a big turd that won’t flush! You are not a manager, hell i don’t know what the hell you are to be honest, being around people is not for you and i think that explains why you have dogs! The time you came to work with that black eye…. The excuse you gave us.. Bullshit, you got ya ass whooped for talking shit didn’t you? Figured! To be honest i don’t care if you don’t say another word to me at that store. You can be mad, pissed or whatever else you want to be! You want to tell people that i am there because i need to be? Are you crazy? You have no idea why i work at that store do you? lol. Only if you were as smart as you want people to think you are sir… You are full of shit John and again i will not ever not say what i have to say.. YOU MAKE BAD DECISIONS! And none of the decisions you make hurts you it hurts everybody else that works there while you go climb up in your little red truck and drive away. When shit goes wrong you are never there, when computers come in when have you attempted to fix 1? For Christ Sakes you cant even make a dam copy in CPD without calling for help and you are the God Dam store manager! What is your purpose? The only thing you can do is force customers into buying instant ink and PPP’s that they don’t need. Open your god dam eyes and look around and see what’s going on man. You have a bunch of fucking leaches in the store.. You have people in the store that are strictly just there to make money and go home! I was one of the few that was actually there to work and make my work area better. When i told you that what some people do were affecting the way i work and how i work what did you do? Told me i was bitching and gave me the stupid ass excuses that you usually do and nothing has changed in the past year, nothing! As much as i had your back when shit happened, when people talked shit about you, when customers swore they were going to call corporate, when employees said they were going to kick your ass who stepped in and stopped them? Defused the situation? Me! And you want to come and act like i am just some part time punk? You have no idea what i am capable of John! I don’t disrespect you and you will not! I, will not allow you to disrespect me under no circumstance! I’m going to say this again, take a look around man.. See what is really going on in your store that you so called manage! There is a lot more going on that you want to see! I have not become the person i am now for no reason. I am tired of the foolishness, I am sickened by your management. We are understaffed because of you! People don’t come there because of you! You have no respect for customers that aren’t spending $1000 in your store! I have witnessed you called valued customers liars to their face, i have witnessed you do some things that weren’t professional, that management isn’t suppose to do! I hear things, i see things, i know things that you wont think for me to know in a whole lifetime. The tech department… Why is it in the condition it is in now? Because of your neglect and all the other managers neglect! Only time you guys come over there is when you want to see how many PCTU we do and i have been saying that for a year now. None of you care anything about the tech bench, all you care about it is the sales. We hardly have god dam computers to sell to customers but the first thing you want to know is if we sell a PPP or got a service! Are you out of your dam mind? You see the chain reaction of shit that has been happening with the tech bench? You know why that is happening? Because of me not giving a shit anymore! Remember how many services we use to get? How many happy customers we use to get? That stopped because of me! I came to you with problems and you gave me shit all the time. I am the best worker you have in that store no matter what you may think. You have only seen 1/4 of my work ethic! And i do mean 1/4 .. 1 day you told me i was the best you got and now i should quit? You want to be in control so bad and all those silly little people that quit because you wanted them to are just illiterate sheep! But i am not John! I am not, never been. You were an OK guy at one point then you took a turn for the worse. That’s all i am going to say for now John, just know i am no one you have ever met before, you will not treat me like sheep, i will come to office depot and do what i have to do as my job description requires, if you feel like i cant do that then you fire me and we go from there but stop lying! We both know you are a liar and i said that to you today and you told me that’s what you get paid for . Lead by example, If you get paid for lying then so do we and i will not lie for your well being or mine so i suggest you come up with something else. Fix your shit so everyone else can do their jobs! That’s all i ask, make people do their jobs, you have an excuse for why everybody doesn’t do what they are suppose to do. I work 2 days a week and i can get more things done than some people that work 40 hours and i only work 10 and when i ask you, you give me some stupid ass excuse! William and Shawn fucked up the tech Bench and i will not fix it until i get the respect i deserve without the lies and your bullshit! See ya Monday
John’s last fart Ol John loved to fart. Perhaps what he loved most was that it pissed off his wife Nellie when he farted in bed early in the morning to wake her up, always in her direction. He would hold it back and build all the pressure he could stand, then let it fly, making all the noise he could. One day the wife told him that his blasting habit could eventually result in him blowing his insides out. He laughed at her, letting go with another popper to accent his amusement. Disgusted, she decided to make her point another way. While preparing a turkey to bake, she had an idea. She saved the guts from the turkey and set them outside for a couple days to ripen. The she got up early one morning, and warmed the ripe guts to body temperature. She took them to the bedroom where John was still sleeping and dumped them right beside his ass. John came out a bit later, white as a sheet. He was walking carefully and keeping his cheeks pinched tightly. He carefully sat down and said, Nellie, you were right and I should have listened to you! I cut a big one this morning, and my guts blew right out my ass! He was scared and on the verge of tears. Nellie said I warned you! What are you going to do now? John said well- I’m just hoping it will be all right. With the grace of god and a curtain rod, I got them all back in .
A man goes to the doctor and says Doctor, my farts sound like a motorbike Doctor says you have an abscess Man says how do you know? Doctor says because abscess makes the fart go Honda
An Old Man Joins a Nudist Colony On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, did you call for me? The man, obviously embarrassed, replies, No, what do you mean? You must be new here. Let me explain.It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me, she says. Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lays down on a towel eagerly, and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. Did you call for me? asks the hairy man. No, what do you mean? replies the old man. You must be new. answers the hairy man, It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me. The huge man easily spins him around, puts him over a bench and has his way with the old man. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist. ‘May I help you?’ she asks. Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee. But, Sir, she replies, dismayed, you’ve only been here a few hours. You haven’t even had a chance to see all our facilities. Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week, but I fart 15 times a day.
All the world’s a stage And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time has many farts.
A cowboy comes riding into a town… …. He pulls into the saloon says to the bartender pour me a mans drink. So the bartender pours him some tequilas the Cowboy pours it on the floor and says I told you I wanted a mans drink. So the bartender pours him some whiskey the cowboy pours it out and says I’m getting angry now damn it I want a mans drink. The bartender says ok he goes in the back mixes whiskey tequila pours gunpowder in it then drops in a bullet he comes back out the cowboy finally drinks it and leaves. One week later the cowboy returns and says give me the same thing as last week but leave out the bullet cause I farted and killed my horse.
50/100 Joke * A man went to a bitch to have sex * He asks for rate * She says to fuck pussy – Rs.100 and to fuck ass – Rs.50 * He wants pussy but he has only 50 * So he gave 50 and fucking her in ass * Then suddenly she farts (while he doing in it) * He: What is that? * She: Wind, it seems to rain any time! (sarcastically) * He irritated and went toilet in her ass (while doing in it) * She: What is that? * He: it’s raning, that is why (sarcastically) * She irritated and went poop (still he is doing in it) * He: What is that? * She: Its rained na, it is mud (sarcastically) * He irritated and kept his penis from ass to pussy * She: You gave only 50 and y r u keeping in pussy? * He: It’s mud na, so it is slipped from there (sarcastically)
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit Farts
What not to say to co-workers. 10. You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix. 9. You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend. 8. If you were a booger I’d pick you first. 7. You look just like my mama. I love my mama. 6. Gross! Somebody farted. Let’s get out of here. 5. Hey, baby, wanna go halves on a bastard? 4. So… is it safe to say I’m gonna get lucky tonight? 3. You’ll do. 2. Wow! Are those real? 1. For a fat girl, you sure don’t sweat much.
Donald and the Queen A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the whole coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must cover their noses, and the two do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to Trump saying, Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control. Trump replied, Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!
Trump Meets The Queen Arriving in England in his private jet, Mr. Trump boarded a waiting limousine where he met the Queen. Together they drove to London where they switched to a carriage hitched to six white horses. As the coach proceeded to Buckingham Palace, the rear horse let fly a putrid, long-hovering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant and Mr. Trump held a handkerchief over his nose. The Queen turned to Donald and said: Mr. Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control. Donald quickly replied: Don’t give the matter another thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses .
