A teacher asks her class.. to use the word contagious . Roland, the teacher’s pet, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious. Well done, Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious. Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else? Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.
You know I used to be a Christian but then I went to confession and realized, hey I’m sat here in a small wooden box telling dirty stories to an Irishman who’s never gotten laid.
A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy. The first guy says, That’s a familiar accent you got there, where ya from? The other guy says I’m Irish . First guy says I’m Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland? The second guy says Dublin . First guy: Me too! When did you graduate? SG: 1978. What about you? FG: I graduated in ’78 too. Where’d you go to school? SG: Saint Mary’s. and you? FG I went to Saint Mary’s too! About that time, a new person walks into the bar. says to the bartender, What’s goin on? The bartender says, oh nothing much, the O’Reilly brothers are drunk again.
THE CHOICE GOD APPEARED BEFORE AN IRISHMAN AND SAID, ‘FOR YOUR DEVOTION, I WILL GIVE YOU A CHOICE BETWEEN PARKINSONS OR ALZHEIMERS FOR YOUR ELDERLY AFFLICTION.’ THE IRISHMAN SAID,; THATS EASY. PARKINSONS.’ ‘WHY IS IT EASY?’ GOD ASKED ‘I’D RATHER SPILL HALF A GLASS OF WHISKEY THAN FORGET WHERE THE BOTTLES ARE.’
An Irishman is on a train…. …and sticks his head out of the side window toto enjoy the breeze blowing through his hair. A fellow passenger warns him – there is a narrow tunnel coming up soon, best pull your head back inside. The Irishman waves him away and keeps his head in the breeze. Two other passengers pull on his sleeve and urge him to come back inside. He laughs and ignores them too. As the train gets closer and closer to the tunnel the concerned passengers get the conductor. The conductor urgently warns the man Sir, there is a tunnel right ahead and if you don’t get back inside you will probably be decapitated! The Irishman is not concerned and replies: Don’t you worry laddy! I travel this line often and I’ll know when to get back inside. I’ll have enough warning because before we get to the tunnel we first pass four PIL-PIL-PIL-PIL-Pillars. [bang head violently for best effect when telling this joke]
An idea for a TV series It’s all about a young Irishman who makes his living collecting seaweed and herbs along the shores of Galway Bay, and his adventures as he travels to all the local town markets to sell them. Working title: Duffy the Samphire Purveyor
An Afgan, …an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry, I cant let you in without a Thai.
I’ve heard it said that a good joke should punch up, not down. I disagree. I think good humor punches everyone, in all directions, with the blind and reckless fury of an Irishman who just found out his daughter is getting married.
The Irish tickler I stopped in a small town and decided to have a few pints in a local pub. As I sat down an older Irish man took up the stool next to mine. After a while we began to talk. Look out the window there sonny he said. You see that house down there at the end of the road? I built that house with my own two hands. But they don’t call me Seamus the house builder, do they? I started to say something but he went on. And you see that dock down there, and the boat at the end of it? He said. I built them too. But do they call me Seamus the dock builder? No! Do they call me Seamus the boat builder? No! He took a long swig of his ale and said But ya fuck one lousy goat
Childish: An Irishman, Scotsman and Englishman are on a plane. They all decide to drop something out as you do, the Scotsman drops a barrel of haggis, the Irishman drops a crate of Guinness and the Englishman drops a bomb. Down on the ground a man is walking down a street, he comes across a young boy crying and asks him why? ‘Something hit me on my head and it hurts’. The man carries on down the street and sees a man drenched and asks him what happened, the man replies that ‘something from the sky fell’ on him leaving him soaked. Finally the man comes to a young boy laughing hysterically on the floor unable to control himself. The man asks him ‘whats so funny?’ The boy gets up and tells him ‘I farted and the house behind me blew up’ I’ll get my coat…
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out. A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says you were there, how did this whole thing get started?! The Irishman responds I don’t know it was burning when I walked in
Some numbers walk into an Irish pub. 2 orders an Irish Car Bomb. 1 says 2, please!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor? (as told by my Irish granddad)
An Irishman, American, and an Italian Get Captured By Cannibals, and are granted each a last wish. American asks for a Beer, get his beer drinks it they kill him, eat him turn his skin into a canoe. Italian asks for a Pizza, gets his pizza eats it and also gets eaten and turned into a canoe. Irishman asks for a fork. Bewildered as they never had this request before gladly provided this mans last wish. As he get his fork he starts to stab himself all over screaming at the top of his lungs You’ll not make a boat out of me!
A man walks out of a bar… He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar…
Euro2016 I recently overheard some people on a bus talking about an Irish football player with a drinking problem. I turned around and said he’s not a footballer with a drinking problem. He’s a drinker with a football problem
I’m French and was at the bar with my Irish and Scottish friends As we were leaving a crowd of rowdy South Africans start jibing them to fight. The Irish man said Boys, I’ve been smacking jokers since McGregor was a wee lad, get behind me and I’ll sort ’em! The Scottish man, not to be outdone replied Ahck, I’m stronger than ten men at the Highland guys. Get behind me lads and I’ll finish this! I was going to finish this joke but I give up.
Tough to be Irish What’s your name? , asked the teacher. Mohammad, he replied. You’re in Ireland now, replied the teacher, So from now on you will be known as Mike. Mohammad returned home after school. How was your day, Mohammad? , his mother asked. My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike . Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you! And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. What happened to you, Mike? , she asked. Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs.
Classic An Englishman and an Irish man walk into a bar… …they were watching Wales get through to the semi final.
I Just Posted This As A Comment in /jokes…… Two old Irish guys, Mickey & Paddy, are walking through town. As they pass the police station they notice a sign posted outside reading: Wanted – 2 Black Men For Rape Mickey turns to Paddy and says ah, dem fockers get all the best jobs.
Irish Viagra An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asks the doctor. ‘Not a chance , she said. He won’t even take an aspirin . ‘Not a problem , replied the doctor. Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! Really? What happened? asked the doctor. ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare! Why so terrible? asked the doctor, Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good ? ‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sittin’ next to each other in a pub. There is a fly buzzing around the American’s beer that eventually lands on his glass. The American sees the fly, gets a disgusted look on his face and asks the bartender for another beer. The bar-keep obliges as the Brit has a bit of a chuckle to himself. But, he stops his laughter when the fly lands in his own glass. The Englishman looks at the American and winks, as he waves the fly away and then finishes the pint. The fly then finds its way over to the Irishman’s fresh pint, and lands on the rim. Before it can even flap a wing, the Irishman grabs the fly by the back of its head and shakes it over his glass saying Spit it out, ya lil fooker! Spit it out!
