Putting it in. A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’ The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’ The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’ The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’ The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ Well you see’ says the Irishman water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Scotsman says Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.’ *formatting
An Englishman, an Irishman and an American Get drunk in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The American says: There’s an updraft on the 7th floor that allows you to jump out this window and land on the 4th floor. Bullshit says the Irish. So the American jumps from the top floor and sure enough; just as he goes past the 7th floor, he slows down and lands on the 4th. Fucking fun! says the Irish guy as he jumps. And falls to his death. You’re a right cunt when your drunk Superman! says the Englishman
A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific. A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed. One Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a fight over the Italian woman. The two Frenchmen and the French woman are enjoying a threesome, but complain bitterly about the multitude of foreigners on their island. The two Englishmen are waiting patiently for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The German men have a strict, weekly alternating sex schedule; the woman gets weekends off. The Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman. However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost, and how to guarantee the woman equal rights. They are writing to the Hague. The Luxemburg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon start collecting seashells on the beach. The Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Finnish woman, and started swimming. They were soon overtaken by the Portuguese men. The Danish trio embarked on a search for people to join them in an orgy. They gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman, and are still vainly trying to persuade the Portuguese woman. The Spanish men are protecting the virginity of the Spanish woman and are constantly suspiciously spying on one another. Meanwhile, she dances flamenco. The Austrian men initiated a yodelling contest for the woman. The loser immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish and Danish. The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do. The Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they expect to receive a substantial EU subsidy. They don’t recall if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut whisky. But they’re happy that, at least, the English aren’t getting any. Disclaimer: this joke is from an old joke book I own. This joke stood out the most to me as I remember bits of it since I was a teen. Hope you enjoy it!!
A priest…. A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says Is this some kind of a joke?
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.. A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone. The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away. The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it. The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him. One year later, the doors are all unlocked. The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, ‘I’m free!’ and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning. The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure. When the door to the Englishman’s cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, ‘I say you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?’
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender gives him a strange look, but serves him his drinks. The Irishman takes them to a booth, clinks them together, and drinks them all. He then goes back to the bartender and orders another three beers, which he proceeds to drink in the same fashion. On his third round, the bartender can’t help but ask him excuse me sir, I couldn’t help but notice that your order your drinks in threes, if you don’t mind telling me, I was wondering why that is The Irishman grins and says Well, I just moved here from me hometown. When me and me two best mates split ways, we agreed that we’d always have a drink for each other when we went out, so that we always drink together. The bartender nods understandingly, and serves him his drinks. The Irishman keeps up this routine, coming to the bar at least twice a week and ordering three drinks at a time. One day the Irishman walks in, solemnly makes his way to bar, and orders two beers. The patrons and the bartender all see this, and they assume that something terrible has happened to one of his friends. However, they don’t want to disturb him in his time of grief, so they refrain from asking him anything. When he goes to order his second round, the bartender can’t help but remark I’m so sorry for your loss . The Irishman looks up and says Me loss!? What in tarnation are ye talking aboot? The bartender says Well when you bought two drinks, I assumed that one of your friends had passed The Irishman laughs and says No, nothing of the sort. I quit drinking is all .
What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn’t scream when you throw it in the oven. This joke is good not because of any inherent humor, but rather because of its failure to amuse. It serves, therefore, as a valuable cautionary tale. The first flaw in the anecdote’s construction is in its gratuitous use of ethnicity as a crutch. To be sure, Jews serve as an invaluable comedy resource. Any joke involving miserliness of any kind can be improved by the addition of a Hebraic surname (or, in the alternative, by the addition of the prefix Mac. ) But here, Jewishness does not improve the comedy one wit. Any ethnicity will scream when placed in an oven. You throw an Irishman into an oven, and see if he doesn’t cry out Begosh and begorrah, I’ve been thrown into an oven! So too the Mexican, whose refrain of Ai yi yi, es mui caliente! is equally plausible. Indeed, the only person who should ever be thrown into an oven in comedy is Sylvia Plath. Many of you may object, But what of the Holocaust? Surely that validates the choice of Jew’ in the set-up? Far from it. One must be very careful when relying on history as validation. The Nazis threw very few screaming Jews into the oven. This is not Holocaust revisionism, it’s simply fact. The Germans are a very efficient people, and they killed almost all their victims before disposing of their bodies in factory-like furnaces. To do otherwise would slow their production lines of death down, and that would be intolerable to the German psyche. No, no. The corpses that were thrown into the ovens went in not unlike the aforementioned pizza silently. Thus, the fundamental logic of the joke is ruined. The difference does not hold up under historical scrutiny. So when you are asked to contemplate the difference between a Jew and a pizza, plausible answer is: One is a human being with a human soul and a human mind and inherent human dignity, and the other is a molded dough product. Or You take the pizza out of the oven in one piece.
An English man, Irish man and Scottish man… Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window we are in Dundee he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys we are in Dublin he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, we are in Liverpool he says, shocked the pilot answers Yes! Thats right, but how did you know? The English man replies because my watch has been stolen
The Jar in the Bar So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills. He sits down and asks his buddies, What’s with the jar? No idea responds his friend, so the man asks the bartender. In his thick Irish accent, Ah, ye warnt a know bout the haus game does yer? That’ll be $10. Annoyed but intrigued, the man pulls out a $10 and lays it on the bar, and the old man begins, To win all the money in that there jar, I have a gallon jug of tequila ya hafta take all down at one go and not flinch or make a face, then he points to the back door, I have a pit bull chained out back with an aching tooth ya gotta pull, but watch out, she’s mean as a blarney so be careful, and at last, I gots a 90 year old lass upstairs, who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta go up there and make things right for her. The man stands, shakes his head as he returns the table. I understand! yells the bartender, But yer $10 stays in the jar. So the guy get into a bit of a drinking session with his buddies, but can’t stop thinking about the jar. If he could suck it up, just for one night, he could change his life. Finally, with enough liquid courage, he stumbles up the the bar and slams down a $10 bill. Gimme the tequila. The bartender hands him the jug and he throws it back as hard as he can, throats burning, tears rolling down his face, he finishes every drop and slams it down, without making a face. The bartender points to the door, now the man staggers through the backdoor, and the barking ensues, trash cans are crashing, there’s a loud scream then silence. Awh geez says the bartender, they fuckin’ killed each other. As he shoos the crowd back he gets to the door, the man bursts thru, shirt shredded, bloodied and bruised, he shouts, Alright, now where’s the old lady with the sore tooth?!
MI6 is Hiring MI6 needed a new recruit, they had thousands of applicants. Needing only one person, they held multiple tests, and interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three men, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman. The Chief of MI6 had one final test. A test that would surely be able to leave them with one man at the most. He invites the Englishman to a room, this room had two doors, one where they entered and another directly behind the chief. In the middle, between the doors was a desk, where the Chief sat. Morning lad , Said the director, What exactly are you prepared to do for your country? Anything you tell me to do , he said proudly. Good. , the chief responded. He slid a handgun across the desk, toward the recruit. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and kill her. The young man took the gun and slowly walked in the room. Minutes pass, and he eventually walks out and gives the weapon back. I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I’ve just married her and I can’t let her go. That’s fine, the Director answered. You’re excused. The Irishman comes in next, an older chap. The same scenario plays out, gun is handed to him, he is told his wife is in the next room, he enters and shuts the door behind himself and after a few minutes pass he eventually comes out. I can’t do it , says the older recruit, I’ve been married for two years, she’s my wife and the mother of my children. The director excuses him, and in comes the Scotsman. We have one last test , Said the director. Yeah, what is it, then? , he said. He slides the gun across the desk. Your wife is in the next room. Go kill her. The misses? He asked. The director nodded. The * went in the room, closed the door, and barely time has passed before shots are heard. BANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG A few more seconds pass. CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH The Scott stumbles out, exhausted. The Chief stands up. What the bloody hell was that all about?! , he asked in a panic. Well, ya see , he explained, the blasted gun was filled with blanks so I had to use the chair!
An Irish cop and an English lawyer London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense! Irish cop says, License and registration, please. London Lawyer says, What for? Irish cop says, Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign. London Lawyer says, I slowed down, and no one was coming. Irish cop says, Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please London Lawyer says, What’s the difference? Irish cop says, The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please! London Lawyer says, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket. Irish cop says, Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir. The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?
Three construction workers on their lunch break… One of them is Italian, one is Irish and one is German. They sit on the top of an 8 story building they are currently working on, ready to open their lunch boxes. The Italian opens his lunch box: Spaghetti again? Every day it’sa Spaghetti! Always a Spaghetti! If I have to eata the Spaghetti one more time I’ma gonna jumpa! The Irish opens his lunch box: Awww not Black Pudding againsh! I swear I have have to eash Black Pudding one more god damn time, I jump! The German opens his lunch box: Really? Sauerkraut again? I can’t take it any more! Next time I have to eat ze Sauerkraut I jump! The next day all three of them sit together again. The Italian opens his lunch box. Spaghetti. He jumps. The Irish opens his lunch box. Black Pudding. He jumps. The German opens his lunch box. Sauerkraut. He jumps. At the funeral the widows of the three men meet. The Italian woman weeps: I had a no idea! If only I had known he doesn’t a want a eata the Spaghetti! . The Irish woman is equally distraught: He never told me to make something else! He could have just told me! I’m so sorry! They look at the German woman, who doesn’t seem sad but rather puzzled. They ask her why she’s not crying, to which she said: I just don’t get it. He always prepared his own lunches.
Irish lumberjack. An Irishman wanted to start a logging business. Since he couldn’t possibly make as much money felling trees by himself as he would with some workers helping him, he put out a simple ad flyer in town square: tree fellers needed. Later in the day, two other Irishmen, Sean and Patrick, walk by and notice the ad. Sean turns to Patrick and says if only Seamus was with us, then we would get the job
A Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’ The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’ Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carol’s’
Irishman looking for a parking place Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey! Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, Never mind, I found one.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland He clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
A British, Irish and Scottish Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!! .
The Bouncer An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.’
A Man, A Proud New Dad of a Baby Boy, Sits Down With His Father At An Irish Pub They get a drink together at the Flannigan Pub, and his father, wearing a blue polo shirt, looks him in the eye and says son, I’m very proud of you and now that you’re a father and have a son of your own, I think it’s time I give you something Dad, you don’t mean what I think you do? I do, son says the man’s father Out of his right front pocket, he pulls out a small, thick book that says it is 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition . Just then, a bartender asks them if they’d like another drink, or to try the house special. Wondering what the house special is , they inquire about it only to be told that it is a special blend of ancient herbs from Guantanamo that are best combined with top shelf, Irish vodka. A bomb of ethnicity in your mouth , the bartender says. The two agree to have a last shot, and while the bartender is meticulously crafting the beverage, the son, with tears in his eyes, thanks his father for the gift of a near endless arsenal of dad jokes at his disposal now. Dad, truly, I’m honored , the son says. To which his father replies, hi honored, I’m dad
With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world. Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each. Paddy Scotsman says I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol. Paddy Englishman says I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in. Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says Tell me more about this wall. The Genie says, The wall is 500 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable. Paddy Irishman then says, I wish to fill it with water.
Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through? The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff… Dad…I became…a prostitute. Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family. OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera. Now what was it ye said ye had become? asks Dad. The girl, crying again answered, Sniff, sniff…a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff. Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
The Irishman’s Three Wishes One day an Irishman meets a leprechaun counting his pot of gold while wandering through the forest. The leprechaun says, if ye promise not to tell anyone where I keep me gold, I’ll grant ye three wishes! I promise on me ma’s grave! said the Irishman. One thing, though. Whatever ye wish for, your worst enemy will receive in double. So choose wisely, said the leprechaun. I wish for a million pots of gold, and a beautiful redheaded lass to make my wife, said the Irishman. That’s only two, responded the leprechaun. I have a question before I make me last wish. How painful is the removal of one testicle?
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman… An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman meet by chance in a tavern. After a brief but vicious scuffle, they all agree to put their differences aside and work together…to beat up the Irishman tending the bar.
Three builders, an Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman, are siting high up on a construction site having lunch. The Englishman takes out his sandwich first. ‘Oh great, a corned beef sandwich. I tell you if my wife makes me another corned beef sandwich tomorrow I think I’ll throw myself off this roof’ he says. The Scotsman opens his next. ‘Another haggis sandwich, if my wife packs me another one of these tomorrow I’ll jump as well.’ The Irishman is the last to open his. ‘A lamb and potato sandwich, I’ll kill myself too if I get one of these tomorrow!’ Sure enough, the next day all three men jump to their deaths after opening their sandwiches. At their funeral their wives speak with each other. ‘If only I had packed a different sandwich for him he’d be with me today’ the Englishman’s wife sobs. ‘He told me he hated haggis, I should have made something different’ said the Scotsman’s wife. The Irishman’s wife spoke last. ‘I don’t see what the problem was, he made his own damn lunch!’
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.
Irish girl What does an Irish girl do after she’s sucked cock? Spits out the feathers.
Murphy and Seamus Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport. Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an’ Josefff! Look how short this runway is. Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin’ wide it is!
An Irish man, Mr. Halligan, went drinking with his buddies every Friday night… and on this particular Friday night Halligan and the boys decided to have a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast. They went around the room saying their toasts, when finally it came to Mr. Halligan who thought he may have a winner. May we all spend the rest of our lives, between the legs of our wives he said. His friends all agreed that this was the best toast of the night and bought Halligan a round. Later that night when Mr. Halligan got home he stumbled in the doorway and was immediately confronted by his wife, Mrs. Halligan. How was your night drinking with the boys? she asked. Wonderful, he replied, we had a contest to see who could make the best toast and I won! Oh what was your toast? his wife asked eagerly. As he was about to tell her, he remembered that Mrs. Halligan was a devout Irish Catholic, and certainly wouldn’t approve of the toast he had made. Thinking quick on his feet Mr. Halligan said, My toast was, ‘May we all spend the rest of our lives, in church with our wives’ . Mrs. Halligan was elated that Mr. Halligan and his friends voted such a pleasant toast as the best of the night, and kissed him as she went off to bed. The following day, Mrs. Halligan was at the grocery store and ran into one of her husbands drinking buddies, Mr. O’Doyle. Mr. O’Doyle, how great it is to see you. I just wanted to say how wonderful I think it is that you all voted my husbands toast as the best of the night. What a pleasant thought that was. Mr. O’Doyle had a very confused look on his face, because he knew Mrs. Halligan quite well and knew that she was a devout Irish Catholic. He never would have thought she would like a toast like that. Really? he asked. You really like THAT toast? Of course I did! she exclaimed. The only strange this is that Mr. Halligan has only been down there twice this year. The first time he fell asleep halfway through, and the second him I practically had to stick my foot up his butt just to get him to come!
Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey. Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass fortunes, but they never seemed to find the time to get together and drink that bottle. One day, Mike gets a call from Paddy’s wife, and she says, Mike, come quick. Paddy is dyin’, and he wants to see you one more time. Mike drops everything and rushes to Paddy’s bed. He says, Paddy, it’s me, Mike, your buddy for all these years. Paddy says, Mike, my best friend, where did the years go? It seems like yesterd’y we got here with nuthin’ but the clothes on our backs and that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. It must be well over 60 years old by now, but we never drank it. Promise me this, Mike. Promise me you’ll take that bottle of whiskey, and pour it out over me grave, to warm me in the cold, dark earth. Mike thinks about this, and replies, Of course, Paddy, of course… but do ya mind if I pass it through me kidney’s first? Edit: Paddy, not Patty
Irish Economics! It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town and he stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk. He tells the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.100 euro The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local lady of the night drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him services on credit. The lady then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything, but the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman get captured by Iraqis during the first gulf war… They get taken to an Iraqi military base in the middle of the desert. Saddam Hussein himself is there, and explains to them that they’re at a secret location the allies don’t know about so there’s no chance of a rescue but they’re only 50 miles from the Kuwait border. He says they’re welcome to use any of the vehicles & equipment on the base to escape to Kuwait, and if they make it to the border they’re free to go as his men will not shoot over it. The catch is, they get a 5 minute head start before the full might of the Iraqi army starts hunting them. So the Englishman says I’ll take that turbocharged jeep , the Iraqis turn their backs while the Englishman jumps in the jeep & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later Saddam sends an attack helicopter which easily catches him up & blows him to bits. The Scotsman then thinks for a moment and says I’ll use that helicopter so the Iraqis turn their backs as he jumps in the attack helicopter that got the Englishman & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later they launch a surface to air missile that blows the Scotsman out of the sky. Smugly, the Iraqis turn to the Irishman and say Well? What do you want? To which the Irishman replies I’ll have a duck and 4 springs, please. The Iraqis are puzzled, but they round up the stuff, give it to the Irishman and turn their backs. 5 minutes later there’s no sign of him at all. Saddam launches everything to hunt him, to no avail. They find him sitting on the other side of the border, having apparently been there for quite some time. How the hell did you do that? asks Saddam, both bewildered & impressed by the speed of his journey, to which the Irishman replies; Foursprung duck technique .
A lawyer, a high jumper and an Irish man walk up to a bar The lawyer passed it, the high jumper jumped over it and the Irish man went in and got wasted.
Two Irish men are digging a ditch. Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t’other why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse. The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on the stool and asks Why is it were down there and you’re up here? The British man calmly folds his newspaper, looks up and says I will show you. He puts his hand against a nearby brick wall and instructs the Irish Man to punch it as hard as he can. The irish man, a big hulking mass of muscle, winds back and throws an incredibly powerful fist toward his hand, at the last second the British man pulls his hand out of the way and Irish mans fist impacts the wall leaving him very sore and embarrassed. That’s why the supervisor says smugly. After returning to the ditch the first Irish man asks well? what did he say. The second Irish man puts his hand up in front of his face and says hit my hand as hard as you can. This is an oldie my dad (from Belfast) told me. I wrote it from memory as best i could.
Three guys walk into a meta bar An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, What is this – some kind of joke? The Englishman says, Yeah, we’re getting featured in reddit’s /r/jokes sub again and they’re doing Meta Jokes today.
A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar. A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Frenchman orders a glass of wine, the Russian orders a shot of Vodka, and the Irishman orders a pint of ale. When the drinks come, all 3 have a fly in them. The Frenchman yells at the barman and demands another. The Russian picks up the fly, eats it, then takes the shot. The Irishman looks at the fly in his drink and yells, Spit it out, ya wee shit! *Adapted from Game of Thrones for those who don’t watch
What’s the difference between Saint Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick’s Day.
So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland. He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is. So he walks up to him and says, Are you Irish, boy? and the man responds, Aye, half. Then old timer says, Oh ya, what’s the other half? and the man says to the bartender, Guinness
An Irishman’s Confession… A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, I almost had an affair with another woman. The priest said, What do you mean, almost? The Irishman said, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box. The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, I saw that you didn’t put any money in the poor box! The Irishman replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box and, according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!
Which aisle is the Ukrainian sausage in? A customer asks, In what aisle will I find the Ukrainian sausage? The clerk asks, Are you Ukrainian? The guy says, Yes I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? The clerk says, No, I probably wouldn’t. The guy says, So why did you ask me if I’m Ukrainian? The clerk says, You’re in Home Depot. edit: When I heard this joke it was Ukrainian sausage . I searched /r/jokes for which aisle ukrainian sausage and found nothing so I thought I had a joke to share that no one here has posted. Obviously I was wrong about that. It has been posted, as Polish sausage , but I still think it works just as well either way.
An Irish guy goes to the same bar every day This Irish guy goes to the same bar every day and orders 3 shots of Jameson. So after a while the bar tender asks him why he orders 3 shots of Jameson every day. The man tells him that two of the shots are for his brothers shamus and laddie back in Ireland. And the third was for him. One day the man comes in and orders only two shots of Jameson. The bartender asks him if everything is ok with his brothers in Ireland. He tells the bartender; Oh ya everything is ok with my brothers, I just quit drinking…
An old Irish man is sitting at the pub and he seems to be upset, so the bartender walks over and says Sheamus, whats wrong? . Sheamus says You know that dock, down at the lake? You know I built that right? Bartender says, yeah Sheamus, everyone knows you built that. Sheamus says But nobody calls me Sheamus the dock builder do they? . No Sheamus, they dont. And this very bar I’m sitting at, I built this too! Does anyone call me Sheamus the carpenter do they? No, no they dont. AYE BUT YA FUCK ONE GOAT!?!?! best told with an irish accent.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream Prejudice these days…. Nationality Bias A customer asked, In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage? The clerk asks, Are you Polish? The guy, clearly offended, says, Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? The clerk says, No, I probably wouldn’t. The guy says, Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish? The clerk replied, Because you’re in Home Depot.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide… An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution. The Englishman goes first and screams Gooooold . He lands on a pile of gold and badly injures himself but he is content. The Scotsman thinks then jumps on and shouts Looooove . He lands safely in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. The Irishman who hadn’t been paying too much attention is just eager to get on the slide. He dives head first onto the slide, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **EDIT**: Wee means pee/piss/urine/sprinkle/whiz/tinkle/number one in the UK
Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all waiting for their job interview. Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all sitting in the waiting room; patiently waiting to be called in for their job interview. Paddy Englishman is the first to be called in. The first thing Paddy Englishman notices is that the Manager has one ear at the top of his head and the other is at the bottom. The interview is going well when the Manager asks, So, before you go is there anything strange you notice about me? Paddy Englishman replies, Well, your ears are a bit wonky! The manager tells Paddy Englishman he hasn’t got the job and needs to go back to the waiting area. Paddy Englishman walks out and says to the other two, Try not to mention the Managers ears, he’s awful sensitive about them. Paddy Scotsman is up next. As soon as he walks in he just starts laughing! The Manager asks what he finds so funny? Paddy Scotsman replies, Look at the state of your fuckin’ ears pal , and laughs himself out the door. Paddy Scotsman warns Paddy Irishman, Whatever you do don’t bring up his ears! With Paddy Englishman and Scotsman’s advice’ Paddy Irishman is confident he’ll get the job. He gets called into the office. The interview isn’t going too bad then the Manager asks, Before you leave; using your observational skills, is there anything different you can tell about me?’ Paddy Irishman studies him for a bit, I believe you’re wearing Contact Lenses. Well done, you’ve got the job. You’re just the type of person we’ve been looking for! Paddy Irishman shakes the Managers hand and gets up to leave. Just as he gets to the door the Manager stops him and asks, Paddy, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you know I was wearing contact lenses? Paddy Irishman turns around, Well, you’ll not get a pair of glasses with ears like that you stupid lookin’ cunt!
Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family. Paddy the Englishman starts ‘My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace’. Paddy the Scotsman replies ‘That’s nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence’ Finally Paddy the Irishman pipes up ‘That’s noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down the street people stare and exclaim JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY’
whats the most useless thing on a woman a drunken irishman
A Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. ‘I asked them, ‘ If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’ ‘NO!’ the children answered. ‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, the answer was, ‘NO!’ ‘If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’ Again, they all answered, ‘NO!’ I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ‘Then how can I get into heaven?’ A little boy shouted out: ‘YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.’ It’s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
Irish joke So three Irish men walk out of a bar
A Texan is touring around Ireland… When he sees a man digging in the ground. He shouts over to him: What are ya digging for? . The Irishman looks up, shows him what he has in his hand and says potatoes. You call that a potato! Why, back in Texas we have potatoes six times bigger! Ah says the Irishman you see here we only grow them the size of our mouth.
