Office Xmas Party Hangover John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. Louise, he moaned, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think? Even worse, she said, her voice oozing scorn. You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face. He’s an asshole, John said. Piss on him. You did, came the reply. And he fired you. Well, screw him! said John. I did. You’re back at work on Monday.
Anglo/German Dad Joke Q: What do you call an elf that’s afraid of Jethro Tull? A: 10:45
Very sad story Santa and Banta are flatmates who live on the tenth story. They reach their apartment building and park the car. When they enter the apartment building they find out that the elevator is not working so they decide to take the stairs. Santa tells banta to tell a story to each other to pass the time while they are climbing the stairs. Banta tells him a story and asks him to take his turn and tell a story after reaching the 3rd floor. Santa says that his story is very sad and he will tell it later. So Banta tells another story and they reach the 7th floor and he asks Santa to tell a story, but Santa says that his story is very sad and asks Banta to tell another story to pass time. Banta starts telling another story and they reach the 10th floor at their apartment. Banta insists that Santa tell the story now that they have reached home. Santa says, This is a very sad story, we forgot our house keys in the car.
The Lama Joke There was a farmer, called Billy. Billy was a simple man, who never really cared much for farming as a child, but when his dad died he enherited the farm, and as he got older, the more he enjoyed it. For a vast majority of years he was a vegetable farmer, farming vegetables such as carrots and cabbages, potatoes and leeks. This was nice simple farming, no hassle. But as time went on and he reached his late 50s, he wanted more from farming, and decided that he wanted to rear some animals, but no ordinary animals like pigs and cows, he wanted to bring some exotic meat to the market. He went online, to check out some some exotic animals that he could have on his farm, scrolling through endless websites to find the right animal for his farm. From crocodiles to flamingos, to lions to zebras, nothing quite felt right. Until one day, he stumbled across the website about Lamas. He read deeply about these majestic animals and decided that these were defiantly the animal he was looking for, to keep on his farm. So the next morning he went down to the local lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, and purchased 10 lamas. He was extremely excited about his purchase and while he was waiting for his lamas to be delivered, he built them a large enclosure in one of his fields for them to run around in and do lama related activities. They were delivered and Billy the farmer had never been happier. He fed them and groomed them before bed, making sure they were happy, and then went to sleep. The next morning he woke up and straight away ran downstairs to check on his lamas, like an excited child on Christmas. But to his shock, when he checked on them, he noticed that all of their legs had fallen off, and they were just laying there on the ground, legless. He was appalled that he had been sold dodgy lamas, so he drive straight down to the lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, next to lama world and bed bath and lama. He walked in the shop and said to the main behind the counter. Hey, you sold me dodgy lamas, I woke up this morning and my lamas had no legs Oh well I am sorry said the man behind the counter please, take 10 more lamas on the house The famer, who was a sucker for a bargain, decided to take up his offer, and went home smiling. Later that afternoon, his new lamas had been delivered and they were in the enclosure, rubbings around and doing lama related activities. He fed them and groomed them and made sure they were happy, and want off to bed. The next morning he woke from his slumber, and decided to go check on his lamas, to make sure they were ok this time. To his annoyance, these lamas has been stricken with the same fate as the previous. They were all laying there with their on the ground with no legs. The famer, enfutated, drive down to the lama shop, Lamas R Us, located along the lama district, opposite Lama Hut, and burst in the door. It happened again said the farmer their legs have fallen off Oh goodness gracious me said the man behind the counter I am so sorry this has never happened before, please take 20 lamas, and a full refund if your money Seeing no bad outcome with the deal, the farmer graciously accepted and went home. The lamas were delivered as before and the famer fed them and tended to them, and even read them a bedtime story. But when he woke in the morning, and checked on them, all their legs had fallen off. He went down to the lama shop, and said to the man behind the counter. Its happened again, this isn’t funny any more, I want to speak to your manager Ok Sir, fantastic, it’s just through that door said the man behind the counter, pointing to a door to the left of him. The farmer opens this door to find a very long hallway. He walks down this hallway for a good 15 minutes until he finally reached a door, which ends up being locked. He walks back down the hallway and says to the man behind the counter; the door at the end is locked Oh my apologies said the man behind the counter, and hands the farmer a key. The farmer walks down the hallway again, reaches the door and opens it with the key. Upon opening the door, he finds himself in a jungle of some sort, and keeps going, as he is determined to talk to the manager about his lama. Related issues. He walks through this jungle for 40 days and 40 nights, and finally reaches a door. Which is locked. So he walks back through the jungle for 40 days and 40 nights, back down the hallway and says to the man behind the counter; there was a jungle and at the end there was another locked door Ahhhhh says the man behind the counter and hands him another key. They farmer walks down the hallway and through the jungle and opens the second door, to find a desert. He walks this desert for 40 days and 40 nights and comes to another door, which is locked. He walks all the way back to the man behind the counter and says there is another locked door The man behind the counter hands him another key and says sorry this is the last one The farmer walks down the hallway, through the jungle, through the desert and finds himself at a swamp. He crafts a boat and paddles through this swamp for 40 days and 40 nights. Until he finally reaches a door, that says ‘managers office’ on the front. He knocks on the door and it slowly opens, revealing a room where everything is suspended off the floor with lama legs. He says to the manager, sitting in his lama leg chair, behind his desk held up by lama legs; please, you have got to help me, why do the legs keep falling off my lamas I don’t know mate replied the manager. (This joke took about 55 minutes to wrote off my phone) Sorry for the spelling mistakes.
Christmas Decoration A couple of days before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you. That is not what it is there for, said the attendant. It is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.
Two Brothers In Grandmas House Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike. His older brother said, Why are you shouting? God is not deaf. I know, said his brother, but Grandma is.
What does a drug addict and a child have in common? They both want tablets for Christmas.
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter? Santa would never free an elf.
Printing… Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
Who did the dyslexic man sell his soul to? Santa. /cringe
Things South Africans Do You’re working on your computer and you’re in the habit of clicking SAVE’ very often, in case of load shedding You speed up for an orange robot, not traffic light You check the robots before you go when they turn green in case a taxi is still going through red Travelling at 120 km/h, you’re the slowest vehicle on the freeway The first thing you do when you get in your car is lock the doors You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer You flash your brights at oncoming traffic to warn them about a speed cop trapping in the bushes You prefer private transport to public transport, because taking a taxi means sharing a lift with 40 people You love the fact that we have 11 official languages, even though you can only speak one or two of them You can sing your national anthem in four languages and you have no idea what it means in any of them Some of your fellow citizens have the most festive names, such as Blessing, Christmas, Innocence, Precious, Gift, Patience, Pretty You don’t say yes’, you say ja’ or yebo’ You always say ja no definitely’ You put man’ at the end of every sentence You SMS your chommie, not text (well now you WhatsApp) You’ve had at least one thing stolen from you You love how Zapiro always gets it right You have an opinion about the Oscar Pistorius case
What’s the best thing about having insomnia? Only one nights sleep til Christmas!
Pathan sends his neighbour, Santa Singh an SMS A Pathan sends a text to his next-door neighbor who happens to be Santa Singh Salam Mr Singh, Sorry yaar. I am ashamed and I have to tell you somethng. Hope you will forgive me: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at my house. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again. Santa grabs his double barrel, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife. Moments later Santa gets a second text: O Maafi (sorry)! Typo.. That should be wifi
How come Mr. and Mrs. Claus don’t have any kids? Because Santa only cums once a year and its down the chimney!
My dentist took a look in my mouth and said, Your gums look awful. I told you to floss religiously. I do, I said, I floss on Christmas and Easter.
What’s the difference between a reindeer, a knight and a cock? The knight is slaying dragons, the reindeer is draggin’ sleighs.
So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are locked in their final showdown… …light sabers are flashing, the balance is delicate, but suddenly Luke knocks Darth’s weapon away. As it’s skidding out of reach, Luke moves in for the final blow. Quickly, Darth holds up a hand and says Luke, wait! I need to tell you something . Luke, sensing a trap, asks why he should do such a thing. Darth replies, Luke, I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Slightly taken aback, Luke asks How do you know that? . Darth replies Luke, I felt your presents.
Bobby father got laid off… Bobby wants a ten speed bike for Christmas so Bobby goes and tells his mother. His mother says Oh, Bobby, things have been hard since your father got laid off, I don’t think we can afford it, but if you pray really hard, maybe there will be a way. But there really isn’t any way we can afford it. So, Bobby goes to his room and sits down to write a letter to God. Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes every night, do my homework every day, take the garbage out, and go to the store every time my mother asks me. He rereads the letter over and thinks to himself Gosh, that’s way too much work! So Bobby writes another letter to God: Dear God, if you make sure I get my ten speed bike for Christmas, I will do the dishes three times a week and do my homework all the time. Bobby rereads the letter again and thinks, That’s still too much work. Bobby gets really upset as he tries to think of a way he can get his bike without doing all this work, and suddenly he gets an idea. All excited, Bobby runs down to the living room where his mother has set up a nativity set and he takes the baby Jesus out of the manger, wraps it really lovingly in a cloth and takes him up to his room. Bobby then sits down and writes a letter to God Dear God, if you ever want to see your son again…
A Skywalker family christmas. Cooh cuhh… Luke… cooh cuhh… I know what you’re getting for christmas… cooh cuhh… I felt your presents. (That’s the Vader breathing sound BTW, if you know a better way to spell it please share.)
A world without women would be a pain in the ass. A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
2 village idiots are walking… …in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other: Look, I don’t care if the next one doesn’t have any decorations, we’re taking it for Christmas!
Religion and squirrels There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.
Which is the toughest tree? A Christmas Tree because it has the most balls
Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother The horribly ugly Cinderella really wanted to marry the handsome prince, but was afraid to ask him to marry her because elf her looks. Her fairy godmother told Cinderella, don’t worry, everytime the prince denies your offer for marriage, your breasts will multiply in size 3 times . Cinderella asked the prince the next day, and when he said no, her breasts grew 3 times the size. Discouraged, she asked him again, with him once again saying no. Her fairy godmother said not to fret, ask one more time. The prince responded, no, no, 1000 times no . He never knew what hit him.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa
Royal Family, 20 questions… Gareth: Alright, it’s Christmas dinner. Royal family… having a Christmas dinner. Camilla Parker-Bowles says, Okay, we’ll play 20 Questions. I’ll think of something and you have to ask me questions and guess what it is. And what she’s thinking of is a black man’s cock. David: Ha! Trust Camilla! — It’s not racist, is it? Gareth: No, no. Um… So, Prince Philip goes, Is it bigger than the bread bin? and she goes, Yeah. Charles goes, Is it something I can put in my mouth? , she goes, Yeah. The Queen goes… Is it a black man’s cock?
what did the boy with no arms an no legs get for Christmas? what did the boy with no arms an no legs get for Christmas? …. Cancer
What is the difference between the Cleveland Browns and Santa…… Santa is still relevent in december
Dads… on the loose… 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid’s 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work? A Stick 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko… 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 19. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Texas Divorce The Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer What is brown and sticky? A stick. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot What do you call a defective boomerang? A stick. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH. What do you call a deer with no eye? No ideer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter– he can’t come to you anyway. What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. When geese fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other? There are more geese on that side. What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses. What’s yellow and gooey and smells like bananas? Monkey snot. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers. Why does Tigger smell bad? He’s always playing with pooh. What do Billy the Kid and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name. What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens. Did you hear about the human cannonball who lost his job? They needed a guy of better caliber. What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track? Three pieces of alligator. How do you make a strawberry shake? Put it into the freezer until it shivers. What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley. How do you make a peach into a vegetable? Step on it and make it squash. Why did the orange stop running? It ran out of juice. You know how to make gold soup? Add 24 carrots. Which part of a vegetable is the hardest part to eat? The wheelchair. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Did you hear about the two peanuts who were out too late? One was a salted. A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don’t serve vegetables! The mushroom responds, But I’m a fungi! How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a white elephant? Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Who’s ever heard of a yellow elephant? Why do elephants wear sandals? So they don’t sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for elephants who forgot their sandals. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple. What did Jane say when the elephants came over the hill? Look, here come the grapes! (Jane was colorblind.) What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill? Here come the elephants! Tarzan wasn’t colorblind. What did Tarzan say when the elephants wearing sunglasses came over the hill? Nothing. He didn’t recognize them. What did Tarzan say when the giraffes came over the hill? You pesky elephants fooled me before, but not this time! How do you hide an elephant? Paint his toenails red and put him up in an apple tree. Did you ever see an elephant in an apple tree? It works, doesn’t it? How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen? Four. Two in the front and two in the back. How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter. How do you know if two elephants are in your refrigerator? Two sets of footprints in the butter. How do you know if three elephants are in your refrigerator? You can’t get the door closed. How do you know if four elephants are in your refrigerator? There’s a Volkswagen parked out front. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks. What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant? Run around and around until you’re pooped out.
A guy goes to a Halloween party… And everyone is dressed up in the usual Halloween getups – some are scary, some are funny, some of the ladies are in sexy costumes, etc. But this guy is dressed as Santa Claus. Everyone is impressed with his outside-the-box costume decision, since they’ve never seen anyone dress up as Santa Claus on Halloween. Hey, that’s very original – dressing up as Santa Claus on Halloween. But the man gets more and more irritated as he gets these compliments, and finally he snaps – You people don’t get it at all. I’m dressed as an *Alzheimer patient*!
The Farmer and the DEA Agent A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The rancher said, Okay , but don’t go in that field over there….., as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!! The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The rancher said, Okay, but don’t go in that field over there….. , as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?….Do you understand?!! The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d get gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!
DEA officer visits a ranch A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The rancher said, Okay , but don’t go in that field over there….. , as he pointed to the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me! Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!! The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!
The Ghost of Kalimanzini (NSFW) A white man, a black man and Santa Claus are standing outside of a cave when they decide to enter one by one. The white man enters first and hears a voice. I am the ghost of Kalimanzini, cut off your balls and ear your weenie. He is so scared that he does it and he dies. The black man enters next and he hears the voice. I am the ghost of Kalimanzini, cut off your balls and eat your weenie. He is so scared the he does it and he dies as well. Lastly, Santa Claus enters into the cave. He hears the voice. I am the ghost of Kalimanzini, cut off your balls and eat your weenie. Santa replies back in a stern voice. I am the ghost of Christmas Past, touch my balls and I kick your ass.
Ooopsss! A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks. The mother went nuts and told her son, We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added, For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.
Boobs vs willies A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.
There are two different types of people… A rich man and a poor man are talking at a Christmas party. The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas. He said he got her a Mercedes and a diamond ring. Why did you get her both? asked the poor man. So if she doesn’t like one she still has the other , he replied. What did you get your wife? I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo, said the poor man. Why did you get her slippers and a dildo? Asked the rich man. The poor man grudgingly replied, so if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go fuck herself.
An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New York… and says, I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage… and that much misery is enough! Dad, what are you talking about? the son yells. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer, the old dad explained. We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her! . Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. Like hell they’re getting divorced! she shouts, I’ll take care of this. She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, you hear me? she said as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and then turns to his wife. Okay , he says, it’s all set. They’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare.
[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl. I took her on a date last night, bragged the Orc. And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat! Liar. Says the Elf. It’s true! She loved it. Go ask her. Says the Orc. So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit. Is it true that you went on a date with that Orc? Oh yes, he was wonderful. Says the hobbit. Best foot massage I ever had.
The wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman. You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you The husband replied Hang on a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened Go ahead , she sobbed. but probably they will be the last words you will say to me And the husband began Well, I was getting in to the car to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So , in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid that you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have a good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair of the same. The husband took a quick breath and continued- ‘ She was so grateful for my understanding and help and that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ‘ Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’ That’s how we ended up on bed.
Christmas Eve and Santa was out delivering presents… He arrived at a set of three houses, he went down the first chimney, and there was a woman stood their in her bra and knickers, she said Shag me Santa Clause he replied with Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa’s gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know So up the chimney he shot, and straight down the seconds, to be greeted by a woman in only her knickers she said Shag me Santa Clause he replied with Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa’s gotta go, gotta deliver presents to the people I know So once again he goes up the chimney and down the third, only to find a Completely naked woman, to which she said Shag me Santa Clause he replied with Hey, Hey, Hey, Santa’s gotta stay, can’t go up the chimney with a Stiffy on the way!
Married woman and viagra pills.. A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it’s working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband’s Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she’s running around thrilled and happy. Oh, my God. I can’t believe how well that worked, she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she’s even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, Little boy, is your mother home? No, she’s…who’s this? the little boy asks. I’m a friend of your mother’s and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it’s going? That was you?! the little boy says. Let me tell you — Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad’s in the attic going, ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty.’
My Christmas chestnuts joke… This one’s kind of corny, but it’s always been a good one for me that’s safe with family. A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot, and he’s sees several beautiful varieties for sale. One of the parrots looks fairly bedraggled, and is not nearly as colorful as the rest, but it’s price is far higher than the others. He’s asks the store owner why that particular bird is so expensive and the owner explains that that bird is musical, and if you light a match under his feet he’ll sing Christmas carols. The man is intrigued so he’s buys the bird and takes him home, and later that day he decides to see what carols the bird can sing. So, he lights a match and holds it under the parrot’s left foot, and the bird starts to sing Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Then the man holds the match under the right foot, and the bird starts to sing, Silent night, holy night, all is calm… . So, then the man holds the match directly underneath the bird between his legs, and the bird starts to sing, chestnuts roasting on an open fire…
The Badge and The Rancher A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. The rancher said, okay, but don’t go into that field over there… , as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me! Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?! The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…… YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!
A dad was preparing to have the talk with his 13 years old son and asks him krhm.. son.. I have something to tell you about the birds and the bees Dad no! yells the son I don’t want to know! But why , asks the dad. I thought that every boy of your age wants to know about that! But.. But.. says the boy almost weeping when I was five i heard the ‘there is really no santa claus talk’, and when I was eight People told me there is no toothfairy *or* easter bunny. If you’re telling me now that there is no sex there is nothing left! My whole life will be ruined!
jew jokes 1. whats the difference between boarding schools and a jew? children come back from boarding school camps 2. did you hear about the jewish santa pedophile? he comes down the chimney and says hey kiddies want some free pressies? 3. what do you call a bunch of jewish girls at an abortion clinic? concentration camp 4. how do you kill a jew? throw a bar of soap in the shower room 5. whats grosser than the holocaust? an worm in my apple 6. how do you sort out a jewish boy with adhd? sent him to an concentration camp 7. did you hear about the german oven? it seats six 8. why are jews like sperm? cause only 6 million of them actually work 9. whats wrose than 9/11? telling a jew he dropped a coin 10. whats the difference between a bed and a jew? i relax on my bed after work 11. why did the jews wander the dessert for 40 years? cause they heard someone dropped a quarter
3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town’s three churches. The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results. The First church leader spoke, We still have squirrels Our faith believes that God will do as God see’s fit…so we did nothing, putting the issue in our creators hands. Unfortunately, God did not see fit to remove the squirrels. They are still there and do not seem to be leaving anytime son. The Second church leader spoke, We have even more squirrels God gives us challenges to overcome and make us stronger. We fought the squirrels with traps, poisons, cats, but nothing worked. We have not yet found a way to conquer them. They have become more vicious and entrenched in our building. The third leader spoke, The squirrels are all gone We just made the squirrels members of our church and they all left. They only come back on Christmas and Easter.
A joke my Dad says every Easter 3 Italians die and go to Heaven, but are stopped at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter questions the authenticity of these three mens’ religious beliefs, so he decides to put them to the test. . Tell me, what is the meaning of Easter, my children? he asks. If you can explain this to me, your passageway into Heaven is secured. If not, well . The first Italian confidently approaches St. Peter. (Insert stereotypical Italian accent) Well a’sir, isn’t that the one with the pilgrims and the turkeys and the giving thanks for things and… . No no no, St. Peter interjects. Wrong holiday. I’m sorry, you’re not allowed in. The first Italian is sent away. . The second Italian approaches (insert stereotypical accent). a’Easter… hm. Is that the holiday at the end of the year with the presents and the trees and that Santy Claus, where… . No, not Christmas, St. Peter interjects again. I am disappointed, my child. And the second Italian is sent away along with the first. . And finally the third approaches, a bit more apprehensive than the first two but a quiet confidence exudes from him. Oh a’yes, a’Easter. This is the story of the death of a’Jesus Christ, the son of god. He gets sent to Earth to save the humans, but he is betrayed by his own people and sentenced to death. He is a’hung up on a cross and suffers and dies, and is then buried away in a tomb. St. Peter, for the first time, looks a bit hopeful. so he is a’in this tomb, dead, with a boulder covering the entrance. But then something happens! On the third day, the boulder is gone, and Jesus emerges from the hole alive! And then, if he sees his shadow
Ho Ho Ho Do you know; There is a dyslexic devil cult who worship Santa??
Sick Jokes 1. whats 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? crib death 2. where do you find dogs with no legs? right where you left it 3. whats red orange and looks good on dead babies? fire 4. how do you get retards out of trees? wave at them 5. how could a protistute mom tell her daughter was on her period? he could taste the blood from the little boy arcross the streets dick 6. whats the best part about losing your keys to go in your car? its on fire and all the doors are locked and your babys in there 7. whats the difference between a women and a hoover? hoovers suck all the things through 8. how could you tell your friends dead? theres a funeral across the street where you suck childrens dicks 9. how do you stop your cat from meowing? fuck it in the ass 10. why did the baby get ran over? it was his fault playing near the wheels 11. whats the worst part about losing your keys that go in your car? you had to go and pick up the girls from the abortion clinic 12. how do you make a emo cry? cut his dick off 13. why did the jew cross the road? to get away from the nazis 14. how could you tell your friend ate something? you can see he went to the aids bake sale 15. whats that smell? my dick 16. what do you say to a brunette when shes drunk? hey can i suck everything out of your vagina 17. whats the difference between a woman and a blanket? a blanket goes over you to keep you warm 18. why did the woman get embarrassed? cause she was naked 19. why is driving your car like having a piss on your toilet? you have to keep filling up your car if you want to get anywhere 20. how do you stop a cancer boy from talking? wet his lips and stick him to the wall 21. how do you kill a hundred diabetic kids? blow up their van 22. what does a mountian climber and a young lad having a blowjob from his grandma have in common? neither look down 23. whats the difference between a clown and a 6 year old? you can dress up a child as a clown (omgz so violent) 24. why do tampons have strings? so you can floss after eating 25. whats the difference between a woman and a bottle? you put bottles in your mouth and let the water come into your mouth 26. why do women wear makeup and perfume? cause they’re ugly and they stink 27. why is pizza like having a blowjob? you put pizza in your mouth (ew) 28. how do you stop a bitch from jumping on your bed? drag it to the kitchen and keep slaping her 29. whats the difference between nelson mandela and masturbating? nothing (:o omg so sick) 30. why is a teddy like a penis? it gets shooved down a little boys throat by a pedophile 31. why is a blonde like spaghetti? they both squrim when you eat them 32. what is a pornstars favorite food? chicken strips 33. whats the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4 year old? eric clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window 34. do you ever have sex while camping? its fucking intents 35. what do you call a blind dinosaur? doyouthinkhesaurus 36. whats the difference between my gun and my dick? i dont shove my gun down a little girls throat 37. what does bread and autisic children have in common? they both have needs 38. why did tigger go to the toilet? he had to look for pooh 39. why are men like commericals? you cant believe at what they say 40. why are splinters better than women? splinters go away 41. whats the difference between a woman and a bicycle? if you want to get to work you have to keep pumping your bike 42. why arent there black people in history? cause spray paint wasnt invented untill 1949 43. how was racism created? they made black and white tv 44. why are orphans never? invited to barbacues? they dont know how to get there 45. why arent there any mexican santas? cause one only uses their lawnmower 46. why isnt there any black jews? they have to sit at the back of the oven 47. why did the black man cross the road? to get to kfc 48. why do jews have big noses? cause the air is free 49. why do jewish people like to watch hooker movies backwards? they like it when the prostitute gives the money back 50. how many disabled kids can you fit in a car? none they’re in wheelchairs if you have a sick or offensive joke leave it in the comments below
