The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. You are a disrespectful pig! she cried. How dare you do this to me faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce! And the husband replied Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead, she sobbed, but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me! And the husband began Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same. The husband took a quick breath and continued She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?
Did you hear about the Christmas Party in San Bernadino? It was wild. A Muslim couple showed up and put 14 presents six feet under the Christmas Tree.
Hillary, Trump, and Cruz walk into a bar Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz walk into a bar on Christmas Eve. Hillary tells the bartender: Good evening, my man! Pour me a drink, I’m tired and thirsty from all the campaigning. Donald Trump then says: Merry Christmas! I want a drink too. He then looks closely at the bartender and says, You are incredibly ugly. And bald. I hate ugly people. I have always been a very beautiful man. Because I’m beautiful and a winner and ahead in all the polls by 30 points, I have slept with all the beautiful women in the planet. Wish your mother had killed you when you were born! Everyone is shocked. But Trump is on a roll. When I’m President, I will have all the bald, ugly men and the fat, ugly women deported. And only the most beautiful people will be allowed to enter the country. Nobody can believe their ears. They stand there too shocked to say anything. Finally a reporter, who was also there, asks Ted Cruz, Sir, are you shocked by this behavior? Ted Cruz says, Of course. This is disgusting. Hillary said ‘Good evening’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’
What do doctors hope to see on Christmas Santa-Gauze! I’ll see myself out…
A woman was telling Santa what she wanted from christmas… She said Santa, this year for Christmas I’d only like two things. The first a slim body, and the second a big fat bank account…. Please don’t mix them up like last year.
I went Christmas shopping at Best Buy… She said Santa, this year for Christmas I’d only like two things. The first a slim body, and the second a big fat bank account…. Please don’t mix them up like last year.
‘NSFW’ Why didn’t Mrs. Claus ever have kids? Because Santa always comes down the chimney.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF BEING ADDICTED TO METH IS?!? ONLY ONE MORE NIGHT TILL CHRISTMAS!
What is the favorite Christmas Carol of the Aryan brotherhood? I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.
What did the Elves learn in school? The Elfabet
Christmas Jokes Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden? A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Santa, Krampus, and the Ghost of Christmas Present walk into a bar… Santa, Krampus, and the Ghost of Christmas Present walk into a bar and find a little boy sitting on a barstool. Mind you, it’s the day after Christmas and this isn’t their first bar they’ve hit on their celebratory post-Christmas pub crawl so they’re plenty toasted already. Krumpus with his quick and piercing eyes spots the boy first and clops over on his hooves knowing that a boy of his age and with such rosy cheeks would fetch quite a large piece of gold if sold to the horny little Christmas elves who have always had a taste for youth. Plus the petite stature of little boys makes for better maneuverability with the impish elves. Hearing the dreaded hoof clops though, the boy scurried from his bar seat with fear in his eyes and then jumps right into santa’s lap. Santa with his cheeks reddened from almost a gallon of hard nog admonishes the conniving Krumpus. How dare you even begin to think of taking this handsome young boy Krumpus. This boy is special and too pure for your terrible plans. The boy’s bravery returns, but foolishly because he does not know of Santa’s true intentions. You see dear St Nick never could completely quell the appetite he acquired from his years as a Catholic priest before he changed careers to his current role. You can still see the insatiable hunger in Santa’s faded and bloodshot blue eyes as his breathing becomes heavier and pants grow tighter. After witnessing the character of his companions, the Ghost of Christmas Present realizes the Ghost of Christmas Past wasn’t exaggerating with his tales. So Christmas Past quickly dials Child protective services and then NPPD because it’s 2015 and it’s time to put an end to old dudes diddling little boys.
What did Santa said when he ran into the 3 prostitutes? Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
What’s the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 ho’s
Christopher Walken should make a Christmas album called In a Winter Wonderland Christopher Walken should make a Christmas album called In a Winter Wonderland
I asked my wife for a blowjob for Christmas She said to see what Father Christmas brings.
Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back… Send me your mother
Last Christmas I got a sweater, For this Christmas I want a moaner or a screamer.
What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant? Christmas music will still be playing next year.
A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy’s dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn’t getting gifts that a child his age would normally get, so he said to his rich brother look, I know you live your nephew, but you should be getting him gifts that are for a child his age, like a Mickie Mouse outfit or something . So Christmas comes around and the man bought his nephew the Cleveland Browns.
Obama had to phone Putin to arrange a meeting. They concluded they would meet over Christmas to arrange peaceful measures of retaliation in the current crisis. Worried about the food, Obama asked: What are you having for Christmas dinner, Putin? I think I’ll have Turkey. replied Putin.
Santa used to work alone and was overwhelmed, but one day his life changed. He read an elf-help book. The only problem is, now he has to pay elf-employment tax.
Xmas Joke Help Hi All, So December 1st is upon us (in Australia at least) and that means that it is time for me to begin my annual tradition of posting daily status updates on facebook with terrible xmas jokes until xmas. An advent calendar of xmas cracker jokes if you will. Anyway this is my third or fourth year doing it (I can’t really remember) and the well has run kind of dry. So I thought I might reach out to the jokes community of reddit and ask for any terrible, cringe, hilarious and/or dirty xmas cracker jokes you have, made up, whatever. There is every chance I will have seen a lot of these as I have filtered through 100s in my time looking for amusing ones, but I will appreciate any help I can get. Some examples of the type of jokes I am looking for are: What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A holly davidson Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can hoe hoe hoe. What does Miley Cyrus have at xmas? Twerky. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days. If they were funny that’d be good, ones like the following which are just plain bad are less desirable What’s the most popular xmas wine? I don’t like brussel sprouts Any way all help appreciated
Boss: Where were you born? Santa : India .. Boss: which part? Santa : What ‘which part’? Whole body was born in India .
!!/\\//\ Busy shopping /\\//\!! It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. What is that? he asked. She said, I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’ Perplexed, he asked, Why did you do that? Well, she replied, now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!
Ahhh, Christmastime… Is my favorite time of year. It’s the only time of the year that my wife isn’t griping at me to take down the Christmas lights.
The best part of being a crackhead…. Only two more sleeps until Christmas.
I’m working on a gangsa Christmas song My working title is Santa and His Three Hos
So an atheist pastor, vegan butcher, and the presidential candidate Donald Trump walk into a bar… My working title is Santa and His Three Hos
Why does it have to be a white Christmas? #BlackChristmasMatters
These need to be written. Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig. Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh? A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
[30 Days of Christmas Jokes] Why was Santa’s little helper sad? Because he had low ELFesteem
Knock knock. Who’s there? Irish Jew, Amali . Amali who? Irish Jew Amali -Christmas �
Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Santa Claus are standing on a cliff Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Santa Claus are standing on a cliff, this cliff is overlooking an urban area in America. Obama and Sanders open their wallets, ready to help the people bellow, while Santa opens his sack. I want to make ten people happy Obama announces, as he throws $10,000 off of the cliff. Sanders replies: I will make one hundred people happy , and he throws $100,000 off of the cliff. It is now Saint Nick’s turn to play. Good old Santa Claus looks around at the people below and suddenly proclaims: I will make every person in America happy! and proceeds to throw Obama and Sanders off of the cliff.
Mrs Claus hospitalised with severe cramps. Heavy Christmas period to blame.
Two explorers visit Lapland once per year And every year they make their way up to Santas Grotto in a hope to see him in the flesh, but they never do. Then always take the exact same route and track the distance. After 10 years of taking the same trip, they notice that the distance to his grotto increases by around 2 miles per year. One explorer turns to the other and says, Why does it take longer to visit the Grotto each year? The second explorer responds, well why do you think he is called **Farther** Christmas?
Why was Santa in the asylum? He lost his SANTAty
Moms be like… A man received two sweaters for Christmas from his mother. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile… she said, What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?
What’s Donald Trump’s favorite song? White Christmas
A day in the office I work in this office and there are some strange charecters here, for example we have this penny pinching boss who is so strict he keeps a password on the thermostat, locked at 55 degrees. Luckily, we are on good terms so I am the only person who knows the password, 0451 if you want to know. Sometimes he changes it like for the New Years he sets it as the year, or Christmas time when he changes it to the date, but it’s late fall right now so there he has it set as the regular code. Although once he decided to be a little generous, he got a new heating system for the office, it’s a little screwy sometimes, you turn the heat on but it never actually turns on. But the heaters came with new thermostats, these show the date and the time on them. There are only three other guys in the office, Tim, he’s just a weird one, he asks about what kind of stamps we buy, I don’t like him much. Then there is some gay guy. I can’t remember his name, he’s not exactly a vibrant person, he blends in to the office like he is part of it. Lastly there is an old guy, he’s been in the office for decades now, I think he might just be dead and no one ever checked, I have never seen that man leave his office chair. Right now, we are all working overtime, I think I might have forgotten to go home last night, I can’t remember. There was a big crisis back at HQ and now we are stuck with the paperwork. I really don’t know what day it is. Suddenly that old guy yells over, Turn up the heat! I don’t blame him, it’s freezing, must be that new heating. After he sees me get up he decides to go be unproductive somewhere else by taunting the other guys. I walk over to the thermostat, I figure I should see what time it is, since I don’t remember sleeping. It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday. The regular code, I punch it right in. There’s an old man standing next to me, making fun of Tim and that gay.
Do you fart in bed ? This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in !!!
List Of THE MOST Terrible Jokes i have ever found! Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible! A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I’ll serve You, but don’t start anything. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know. I amputated your arms! I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam! My house wears clothing you know, it has address! I am so disgusting, even my nose smells. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. WHATS GREEN AND HAS WHEELS? Grass, I lied about the wheels. A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation. How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. What’s furry and has wheels? A cat, I lied about the wheels A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, What’ll it be? . The duck doesn’t say anything because its a duck. There’s an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community! Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human. Your momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease. What did the homeless man get for christmas? Nothing. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face? . The horse replies My wife is dying of terminal cancer . Why did the little girl fall off the swings? She had no arms. Why did the little girl fall off the swings? She had no arms. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Roses are grey. Violets are grey. I am a dog. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. What has two legs, and is red all over? Half a cat. I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis. A man goes to see the doctor. Doctor everything hurts when I touch it hmm, let me see. Touch your arm, does that hurt? yes doctor. Now when you touch your knee, does that hurt as well? Ouch, yes that hurts too Now if you touch your chest, how’s that? It hurts just as much doctor. Just as I thought: your finger’s broken. What did the pirate pay for his piercings? A buck an ear What’s green and brown, has six legs and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you? A snooker table. Did you hear about the brooms? They’re sweeping the nation! Have you heard about that movie Constipation? It hasn’t come out yet. How about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. How about the really constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a calculator. It reminds me of something my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket… He said how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other: Can you smell fish? …and the penguin says, he’s not an eggplant, he’s retarded! A fish is swimming along and runs into another fish. ‘Dumb bass’ the fish mutters. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months. Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere You cannot eat me unless you spread me. -Butter What did one Lawyer say to the other Lawyer? Were both Lawyers. Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick. You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana
The tattoo artist say thats an unusual request This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tattoo artist say thats an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there? So she says Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.
My dad just told me this one. What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are only for decoration.
Vote to rename Christmas to Chrtmas… Keep the IS out of Christmas!
Order !! Order !! SANTA went to court JUDGE: Order ! Order ! SANTA: 1 Pizza, 2 Dosa, 3 Idli & 1 Cold-drink ! JUDGE: Shut Up ! SANTA: No,No..7-Up!
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker… … are locked in mortal combat. Darth Vader pulls Luke close and says, I know what you’re getting for Christmas . Luke responds, How?! That’s impossible!!! Darth Vader replies, I felt your presence
Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus not have any children? …because Santa comes but once a year
Finnish reindeer An American tourist arrived at a reindeer farm in Finnish Lapland. He asked the farm owner I’ve heard that the reindeer and human vaginas are identical. Is this true? The farm owner looked at the tourist for a while and answered: You have to ask my neighbor. He is the only man in the village who has had sex with a woman.
The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony. It was called the Santa Clause.
