Tapeworm So a guy complaining of stomach issues goes to the doctor. Doctor discovers the guy has a tapeworm. Doc … what do I do? moans the guy. Nothing to worry about, says the doctor. Here is what you do. Every day at exactly 3:00 in the afternoon I want you to shove a hot dog up your ass. Then, every day at 3:02, I want you to shove seven or eight M & Ms up your ass. Come back for your next appointment in exactly one week. So the guy goes home and does as he’s told. Every day at 3:00 he shoves a hot dog up his ass. Then, at 3:02, he shoves seven or eight M & Ms up his ass. A week later he comes back for his appointment. The doctor comes in with a thick medical book and looks at his watch. At 3:00 the doctor shoves a hot dog up the guy’s ass. Then he waits. Two minutes. Three minutes. Four minutes. After five minutes the tapeworm pokes its head out of the guy’s ass and says, Hey! Where the hell are my M & Ms? And BAM! The doctor smashes the head of the tapeworm with the book.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, agnostic and an insomniac? A person who stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.
He was extremely nervous to have dinner with his girlfriends family He was sitting around the table with his girlfriend right next to him, her mother on the other side, her two siblings in the middle two seats, her father directly across from him at the head of the table, and the family dog, Spot, relaxed on the floor. All of a sudden the urge to fart hit him strongly. It was bad, if he even moved an inch to get up and use the restroom, there would be no stopping it. He began sweating profusely and cursing the gods for his luck, as his sphincter began shaking angrily. He thinks to himself, maybe he would be able to get away with letting just the tiniest bit out. He leans slightly to the left and lets out just a squeek. SPOT!…. the dad bellows, looking menacingly at the family dog. Holy shit , our hero thinks, the father just blamed the dog. So he leans to the left again and this time lets out a longer trumpet toot. SPOOTTT!!!…. the father again yells, louder and with more urgency. Okay our man thinks, I am getting off scott free with this. I’m just gonna let it loose. So he leans all the way to the left and lets out the nastiest, thickest, loudest fart he ever experienced in his life, lasting a solid 30 seconds. The father immediately jumps up from the table and screams SPOT! You get away from that boy before he shits all over you!
My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.
Two dogs on a coffee break *Dogs on coffee break* Dog 1: Heard a great joke. Dog 2: Oh yeah? Dog 1: Knock kn- *Dog 2 goes fuckin’ nuts*
Pineapples A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks Do you have any pineapples? The stockboy replies Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineapples are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her Sorry ma’am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks Where the hell do you keep the pineapples, I need some pineapples right now! The stockboy, getting frustated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your pineapples from the back. The lady agrees and the man starts the questions. Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe she says Ok, C A T . Very good! the stockboy says, now spell dog, as in dogmatic. The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks now spell, Fuck, as in pineapples. She replies There is no Fuck in pineapples? To which the stockboy replies THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!
A little indian boy asked his dad.. Dad, where do I get my name? The dad replied, well, when your sister was born, we saw a deer running, so we named her running dear, and when your brother was born we say a slow moving turtle, so we named him slow turtle Any more questions 2 dogs fucking?
What do you get when you cross an agnostic insomniac with dyslexia? A person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
The food at the stripclub Went to stripclub last night, they had a special on the burgers and dogs. My buddy Ray ordered the burger, I ordered 2 dogs. After our topless ‘waitress’ walked back into the kitchen, I caught her slip a frozen party into her armpit. When she came back with our drinks, I asked WTF, why is that in your armpit! And why is it STILL in there?! She told us it was to defrost them. I told her to cancel my order of 2 hot dogs
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked Is someone in your house? He said No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available George said, Okay. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now, and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, I thought you said that you’d shot them! George said, I thought you said there was nobody available!
About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn’t.
What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer? Hula the dogs out?
I feel bad for the homeless guy I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy’s dog, because he must be thinking ‘Man, this is the longest walk ever -Norm Macdonald
A dog walks into a bank to get a loan He sits down with the loan advisor, a young lady by the name of Patty. Instantly the dog notices a photo on her desk of her with one of his favorite comedians. How do you know Lewis Black? the dog asks. He’s actually my father, replies Patty. Having a celebrity dad has been an interesting experience. Tell me about it, says the dog. I don’t know my real dad, but I was adopted by Mick Jagger when I was very young. The two get down to business, and soon the paperwork is just about completed. One last thing, Patty says, is I need some collateral for the loan. That may be a problem, replies the dog. My only possession is this. He hands her a small porcelain elephant. Hm, I’ll have to ask my manager on this one, says Patty. She goes to her managers office, explains the situation, and gives him the paperwork to look over. Her manager looks over the loan application and the porcelain elephant, thinks for a minute, and then says: It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the dog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.
A long time ago in Arabia… A trader has been far away from home for a long time. One day he meets another trader from his city who had just recently arrived. He asked, So how is everything? Everything is great he replies. Please tell me more the trader asks, How is my dog? Well I am sorry to say your dog died. How did he die? Well he chocked on a bone of your camel What my camel died as well? How come? Well he collapsed bringing water for your mother’s funeral guests. My mom died too?!!! Yeah she couldn’t take the shock of the death of your son. What? My son died??!! How do you expect for a small child to live without his mother? My wife died too???!!!! Yeah she died when your house collapsed, but don’t worry everything else is fine. Note: I apologize if the humor is lost in translation.
Girl takes her dog for a walk One day a girl wanted to take the dog for a walk, she went to her mother and asked, her mother said Ask your father , so she goes in the garage and asks her father if she can take the dog for a walk, so he grabs a can of petrol and rubs the petrol on the dogs ass and the girl takes the dog for a walk, later on she comes back alone, the father asks where’s the dog? the girl replies It ran out of petrol, but don’t worry another dog is pushing it home
A joke told to me by an 80 year old Shriner Clown. A man decides to explore his new neighborhood after just moving in. As he is walking around, he passes kids selling lemonade, dogs in the yards, and fathers mowing the grass. As he rounds one corner, what he sees stops him dead in his tracks. He sees a couple having sex in the front yard. He slowly moves closer and notices on the porch of the same house another couple having sex. Astonished, he moves even closer and spots ANOTHER couple having sex in the driveway. Nobody else is around and he wants answers. He shouts Hey! What the hell is going on here!? An older woman opens the door and says Honey, you must be new around here. This is a whore house and we’re having our annual yard sale!
So they hired a Springer Spaniel at the JC Penny… To work the area on the way to the mall entrance. You know, where they ask you to try perfume samples and new make-ups? He got fired on the first day when he hopped up on a woman and forced her to try the new Dog Dick Red .
What is the difference between the substance inside a fire hydrant and the substance on the outside of it? H20 is on the inside, and K9P is on the outside.
I used to have a pet snake It was one of those Brazilian snakes that came from the tropical rain forest. It was such a beautiful snake, the pattern on his scales were so intricate. I named him Ted, pretty unoriginal, but I was seven and it stuck. Anyway, as I grew up, Ted turned into a huge dick. He used to love coming out of his tank and playing with me, but as time went on, he seemed to like me less and less. The only way I was able to get him to spend any time with me was if I offered him some fresh Pepperidge Farm bread, you know, the sweet, pre-formed type usually eaten with hot dogs or hamburgers. If I didn’t bring his favorite treats, he wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Turns out my anaconda was not interested in me unless I had buns.
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic philosopher with insomnia? He was up all night wondering if there really is a dog. I know it’s a dad joke, because it was my dad’s favorite joke.
A cop came to my house and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes that’s ridiculous I said, my dogs don’t ride bikes.
A police officer was arresting a dog… * Officer: Have you ever been convicted before? * Dog: Yeah I did 3 years for burying a bone * Officer: Where? * Dog: In your mom
The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW] I haven’t had to buy dog food in a long, long time.
A mountain climber’s dog falls off a cliff just before reaching the peak. He says… Dog gone.
Bubba Bubba and clitas were driving on a country road. Clitas looks over in a yard to see a dog licking himself. Bubba, don’t you wish you could do that, he says, pointing at the dog? Yea, bubba replies, but that dog would probably bite me.
What do tampons and renaissance art have in common? You get upset when your dog tears up either of them because they are period pieces.
A joke from my 5 year old brother… Q: What has four legs but doesn’t move? A: A statue of a dog!
once upon a time Once upon a time, there was a farmer who owned a small farm. He didn’t have many animals, but he did have two he loved immensely: his dog Spot, and his prize winning race horse, the fastest horse ever to run in the Kentucky Derby, Bolt. One day, the farmer and Spot were in the stables to watch a mare give birth to Bolt’s child. But to their surprise, the mare gave birth to not one, but two, strong, healthy foals. The farmer named the first born Buck and the second Casper. From the very beginning, Buck and Casper shared their father’s competitive spirit. Within seconds of both being born, Buck looks at Casper and says Hey brother! Let’s see who can stand up first. Casper agreed, Challenge accepted. Buck tried to stand first, got half-way erect, and then fell over. Next Casper tried to stand, made it all the way up, wobbled, and fell down. Spot and the farmer watched intently, as this continued back and forth for a couple minutes, each brother standing a little longer than the other, until eventually Buck stood up and remained standing. I win! exclaimed Buck. You sure did, Casper replied but it was very close. I know I’ll win next time! Some time passes, and the farmer decides that Buck and Casper are now old enough to be let out of the stables and explore the farm. The farmer, Spot and all the other animals gather around to watch the two young horses get their first taste of the outdoors. As soon as the two foals exit the stables, Buck turns to Casper and says You see that fence across the field? Let’s have a race! First one to the fence and back wins. You’re on! Casper replies. And so the two horses take off towards the fence. First, Buck takes the lead, then Casper pulls ahead, then Buck takes the lead again as they reach the fence. On the way back the two horses are neck-and-neck, Casper ahead one second, Buck the next. Casper gives his all and takes a slight lead. I’m going to win he excitedly thinks, but at the last second Buck has a burst of speed and pulls ahead by a foot, winning the race. I win! Buck neighs loudly. You sure did brother, Casper replies but that was very close. I’ll win the next race, I just know it. Having witnessed their race, the farmer decides to enter them in the next local horse derby. The farmer and Spot sit in the stands, watching with anticipation as the horses line up, Buck and Casper next to each other in lanes 3 and 4. This is it! This is the race I’m going to beat you! Casper says to Buck. Probably brother! You are very fast and trained very hard Buck says in return. At the sound of the gunshot, Buck and Casper take off out of the gates. They very quickly get way ahead of the other horses, and the two brothers stay neck-and-neck. First buck is ahead by a few inches, then Casper gets the lead, then Buck again, then Casper; back-and-forth until it seems like Casper finally has the lead. I got it this time! Casper whinnies in excitement, but suddenly Buck is right there next to him, and before Casper could dig deep for a burst of speed, they cross the finish line, Buck just a few inches ahead. Drat! Casper says, a little upset. That was so close! I could taste victory. It was a very good race brother! Buck says, I’m very proud of you, that was the closest we’ve ever been. I thought you had it for sure. A few years pass of Buck and Casper racing, training, and growing. Year after year the farmer enters them into the races, year after year the farmer and Spot watch, and year after year Buck wins by a hair, with Casper getting closer and closer with each race. Finally, Buck and Casper are so fast and so famous The Twin Bolts, they’re called that they both get invited to compete in the Kentucky Derby. On the big day, the farmer and Spot watch from home on the TV as Buck and Casper wish each other luck, and go to their gates to await the race. The starting gun fires, and all the horses take off. This time it’s a very close race; all the horses stay tight in a pack for most of the track. But near the end, all the horses begin to tire and slow all the horses except for Buck and Casper. Casper manages to get a good lead, and he looks back to his brother and yells I’m going to win this time, there’s nothing you can do! But his cockiness got the better of him, and the farmer, Spot, and Buck all watched in horror as just before the finish line, Casper loses his footing and takes a terrible fall, knocking himself out. After the race, Casper wakes up back home in the stables, Buck watching over him intently. How do you feel Casper Buck asks with concern, but Casper can think only of the race. Did I win? he asks. Did I finally beat you? Buck shakes his head solemnly I’m afraid not brother. You stopped just in front of the finish line. The race was stopped because of your injury, but I was declared the winner since I was in second place. Casper is devastated by this news. but I was going to win he says sadly, trying to stand. But one of Casper’s front legs gives him a sharp pain, and he falls over. Are you okay Casper? Buck asks, concern heavy in his voice. The vet said you broke your leg. You need to give it time to heal. And so he did, but time never fully healed his leg. For years, Casper stayed at the farm, limping as he tried to run, while Buck continued to win Derby after Derby, eventually breaking his father Bolt’s speed record and winning more Derbies than any other horse in memory. Spot would watch Casper from the porch, saddened by the state of the once proud equine. Many years later, the farmer retires Buck from racing. The two horses, now old, spend most of their time in the stables, Casper always quiet and sad. One day, Buck turns to Casper and says You know brother, I miss the old days when we would race side-by-side. What do you say to one last race, huh? But Casper shakes his head and says There’s no point. Even in my prime, I could never beat you. What chance do I have now that I am old and lame? Saddened by his brother’s depression, Buck gets an idea. You know what brother? You’re the reason I ran so fast. You inspired me, our whole lives, to push myself and be the best I could be. I always looked up to you. This makes Casper a little happy, so Buck continues I bet that you, my greatest inspiration, will beat me. There’s no way you’ll lose again, you’re too good . Alright, Casper says, his spirits high for the first time in years I’ll race you. To the fence and back, just like when we were kids. And this time I’ll win! As Buck and Casper exit the stables, Spot now also very old pads over to watch. The two horses start running, much slower than in previous years, but still with as much intensity as their younger selves would muster. Casper, his excitement allowing him to ignore his old injury, takes the lead. Buck, digging deep, catches up, and they continue neck-and-neck. On the final stretch, Casper pulls ahead. After so many years, he’d finally get to know what it felt like to be number one, first place, the winner. Casper had never felt more proud or excited than at this moment in his life. But just before as he reaches the barn, Buck bolts past him, winning by a hair. Casper is crushed. Now Spot, who watched the young horses grow up from afar, gets angry at this. He walks up to Buck and growls Why?! After all the years, after all your victories, why? You couldn’t let your brother have this one race? You just broke his heart! To which Buck replies Holy shit, a talking dog!
I was walking and then I saw a notice on a post. Have you seen Odin? He’s a black labrador. Please call 1345627 to update us on his whereabouts. I called the number asap, Hello, is this the number of the owner’s missing dog? yes! Yeah, still searching, haven’t found him yet.
There are two types of dog owners One of them yells at their dog when it humps their leg, the other one adjusts their leg.
My girlfriend’s dog died so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. What am I going to do with two dead dogs?
The neighbor’s rabbit A man is in his kitchen, looking out to his back yard. He sees his dog out there with the neighbor’s rabbit in the dog’s mouth! Not wanting any trouble with his neighbor, the man runs out and retrieves the dead and bloody rabbit from the dog’s clutches. Feeling awful, he brings it inside, washes and blow-dry’s the rabbit to wait until dark and sneak it back into the his neighbor’s back-yard rabbit cage. Success! After two quiet weeks go by he sees the neighbor out in his front yard watering his flowers. Hiya neighbor! How ya doing? . Well hello there! Good. Good thanks. A few moments pass, and the man, riddled with guilt can’t help himself but ask, Say… how’s that rabbit of yours? . The neighbor replies, … it’s funny about that rabbit… It died a month ago and I buried it, then two weeks ago I noticed it’s back in that cage again! .
You have some up dog on your shoe!! So I was in class one day and my friend turned to me and said, You have some up dog on your shoe What’s up dog was my response. Not much bro, how about you!!!
A blond is done with all the blond jokes. A blond is done with all the blond jokes. So she makes a plan…. She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette. After some time driving she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She is in unknown territory and decides it’s time for her first smart act. She sees some sheep and a herder in a field yonder and decides to crawl up a small hill and count the sheep. Being very careful not to be seen. After counting 3 times she heads down the hill and approaches the herder. Herder , she says. If i guess how many sheep you have, can I have one? . The herder is a bit taken aback. He is not used to being approached in the middle of nowhere by a lovely lady. Yes, if you guess how many sheep are in my flock. You can have one . The girl says 261 . The herder is shocked! Wow, that is correct! Pick any one you like . The girl picks one up and walks back to her car. Very pleased with herself. But just as she is about to close the trunk, the herder asks… If i guess you real hair color… Can I have my dog back? (Not an native English speaker, so there may be typo’s)
The annual physical During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees. Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoors man! No, he replied, I’m just a shitty golfer.
What is the difference between a feminist and a dog? We can legally lock our dog in the basement so we don’t have to hear its bullshit anymore.
The Girlfriend Joke So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it’s a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there’s a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she’s all by herself. Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, Hey, I see you don’t have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside? And keep this in mind, I’m like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel. So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, * Uh… No thanks, I’m good. * Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I’ll come out. So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl’s dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I’m thinking, Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let’s go, we got this. So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s like family to me. I’m so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I’m so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner. So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don’t have much in common. Like, I’m into video games and anime and she’s into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I’m in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick. A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn’t supermodel hot, but she’s cute. I would say she’s like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, Hey, I see you don’t have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help? Luckily, she says, Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It’s the first room to the right, you can’t miss it. So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it’s labeled *Video Games*. The box wasn’t taped very well, so I peek into the box and I’m seeing some serious video games. I’m seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend’s stuff? and she responds with, No, I don’t have a boyfriend. That stuff’s mine so make sure not to drop it. So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever. So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don’t forget, she’s a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I’m just a 6/10 so right now, I’m living the dream. So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don’t want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You’re spending a lot of time with her and I’m honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me. I tell her, Well listen, why don’t you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you’ll like her and then we can all hang out and it’ll be great. She says, Well…alright. I guess I’ll give it a shot. I’ll try to talk to her tomorrow So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, Uh, yeah you can’t see that girl ever again. Wait, what? Why not? What happened? Yeah she told me that you’re hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me. I think you’re overreacting a little bit. She doesn’t seem like that type of person She told me, and I quote, that she is going to *fucking murder me*. I can’t imagine that it’s that serious. I’ll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow. I go up to 7/10’s house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn’t there and I’ll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don’t know what’s going on. So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I’m getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up. Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she’s covered in blood from head to toe. She’s screaming and yelling at the camera saying, She’s dead, you’re next. A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her. Now I’m thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I’m here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can’t get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, She’s dead, you’re next. She’s dead you’re next. And I’m going crazy, I’m screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, She’s dead, you’re next. She’s dead you’re next. AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE. And it raises the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A blonde woman dyes her hair red…. A blonde woman dyes her hair red because she’s tired of the blonde jokes. One day she stops by a farm and asks the farmer, If I can count how many sheep you have, can I keep one? The farmer reluctantly agrees. After some counting, the blonde woman says, there is 124 sheep in your farm. Shocked, the farmer counts them. Sure enough, there are 124 sheep. The woman picks one up and takes it to her car. Right when she’s about to leave, the farmer knocks on her window and asks, Ma’am, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?
A young man went off to college…. A young man from Arkansas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. Dad, he says, You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk! That’s amazing, his Dad says. How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program? Just send him over here with $1,000 the young Arkie says and I’ll get him in the course. So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son? his Father asks. Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm, he says, but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read! Read!? says his Father, No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program? Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class. The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough dank to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk! Dad, the boy says, I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does . Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street? The Father went white and exclaimed, I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother! I sure did, Dad! That’s my boy! The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville , he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be…
Champ, the much-loved pub mascot. Ted was the landlord of the Nag’s Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars – Champ, a stray dog who always came for a bowl of water and a few bags of pork scratchings. The regulars all loved Champ, and he was treated like the pub’s mascot. One night just before 8pm, there was a screech of brakes outside the pub, shortly followed by a man running into the pub in a state of distress. This dog, it just ran out in front of my car…I think I’ve killed it! Ted immediately feared the worst, and sure enough when he went outside, it was the heavily mangled remains of Champ in the middle of the road. Only Champ’s tail remained intact. Ted and the other regulars were in shock, but soon decided that they should have some kind of tribute to such a well-loved regular of the pub. Why don’t we get his tail stuffed, and hang it above the bar? suggested one of the regulars. This was thought to be a great idea, and shortly after a taxidermist was called and Champ’s tail was stuffed. On New Year’s Eve that year, Ted was having a quiet drink after having closed the bar at the end of a successful evening. All of a sudden, he heard some scratching noises coming from the front door. That sounds like Champ! thought Ted, but one glance at the tail above the bar told him it couldn’t be. He looked into his drink, shook his head and carried on drinking. 10 minutes later, he heard the same scratching noises. This time, he couldn’t shake off his curiosity and made his way to the front door. When he opened the door, he recoiled with a huge fright; there in front of him was the ghost of Champ on the door step, looking up at him. +I’d like my tail back, please+ came this voice inside his head. I…I…I can’t d-d-d-do that! stuttered Ted. +I’d like my tail back, please+ repeated the ghostly form of Champ. I can’t do that replied Ted, having overcome his original shock. +I have come seeking the return of my tail. I cannot transition through to the afterlife in such an incomplete state. Why can I not have my tail back?+ insisted Champ. Ted glanced at the clock. It was now 3:30am. I’m sorry, but we can’t retail spirits at this time of night.
Whatcha doin? Eating chocolate. Whered you get it? My Doggy Dropped It. Wheres your doggy? At The Door. Whats he doin? Makin more!
Why dogs smell each others butts The day God created the Dog he had all dogs in heaven gathered in one place so he could speak to them, of course the place was noisy and messy and one dog was howling, while two were fighting over a bone, others were chasing cherubs and, you get the picture so God, who had been trying to get their attention all along got really mad and shouted: SILENCE! I shall have absolute silence for the next 5 minutes or i will have none of you back in here for the rest of eternity! Immediately everyone sat down in orderly fashion, and silence was kept for about a minute. Then someone farted. Thus, they have been looking for the culprit ever since.
Our grandchildren in 2060 Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen? I really hate that filter.
Following Donald Trump on Twitter is kinda like… …following your dog with the pooper scooper when you take him on a walk ideas?
Walking the dog A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he’s ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace. After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says They’ve got the right idea . She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers. Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says They’ve got the right idea . She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing. After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says They’ve got the right idea . She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting. He can’t contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says Are you sure your dog won’t mind?
A guy says philosophy is unnecesaary in life His friend Oh no, philosophy is very important! How so? says the guy His friend Do you have a dog Yes we do His friend That means you have it for a reason, could be to protect your sheep? Wow yeah it actually is! His friend Well you’re not a shepard, and you have no brothers so your dad must be one. Wow that is all correct! His friend And you’re happy in you life so is your dad, so your mother must be a decent respectful lady. Wow.. Philosophy truly is amazing says the guy as he leaves. The guy then meets his other friend: Dude i learned this amazing thing about philosophy What did you learn? His 2nd friend The guy Do you have a dog? No says his 2nd friend The guy Your mum is a bitch.
Man and his bellybutton Man wants old woman to lick his bellybutton. Pays her 20 dollars to do it but the woman gets her dog to lick the bellybutton instead, while the man has the eyes closed.
What happens if you sing a blues song backwards? your wife comes back home, you get out of prison and your dog comes back to life
