Police ride along A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along. As we were driving along he told me: I’ve been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for. I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said I can’t believe it, he didn’t do a single thing wrong. I’m going to pull him over and let him know. He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says Sir, I’m sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving. The guy looks up at him and replies: Well, you’ve got to be careful when you’re drunk.
Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed in the graveyard? So far the police have found over 300 dead bodies.
* Knock knock. – Who is there? * It’s the police. We have received complaints about the noise.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Someone stole my car … I guy walks up to a cop outside a bar and says, Hey someone stole my car. The cop asks where’d you see it last? The man responds, well, it was right here at the end of my key. The cop laughs and tells him to walk down to the local precinct a couple blocks away. But, before the man walks away, the cop advises, hey, you probably want to zip up your fly before you get there. The man looks down, disappointed, and says, Aw, man. Those thieves got my girl too.
How does a police officer go to the bathroom? Ctrl+C
A woman calls the police claiming a one armed man is trying to kill her… They say to her don’t worry about him mam, he’s hＡＲＭＬＥＳＳ.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sirens approaching so they had to act fast. The brunette hid behind the cows, the redhead hid behind the pigs, and the blond behind the potatoes. The police broke in and surveyed the area. The brunette, trying to be inconspicuous, decided to imitate the cows. She let out a great big Moooooo! The redhead did the same, letting out a pig squeal. The blond, in the spur of the moment, let out the loudest noise of them all. POOOOTTTAATTTOOOOOO!
There once was a boy… There once was a boy who was homeless.He had nothing but scraps. He would sleep in the tree house in the park. He had been abandoned as a small child and had to survive by eating the leftover food of picnics and parties. Every day he would go swimming in the lake, practicing diving out of the a tree. He became really good at it and took pride in the one thing he was good at. One day he was caught by a lady after trying to steal food from a birthday party. Fortunately the lady was really kind and, instead of taking him to the police, gave him 50$. The boy had never seen such money before in his life and thanked the lady. He wanted to spend the money on something that he would enjoy. He decided to spend the money on a vacation cruise. He went to try and book a room on the ship but the person told him that 50$ was not nearly enough for a proper room. He begged and said that he would stay in any room. The person said there was one room available. He took it without any hesitation. when he got to the ship an attendant walked him to his cabin. On the first floor, the rooms were made out of diamond. The boy thought he would be staying there with much glee. The attendant said that his room was further down. They walked past a gold room, silver room, bronze room, copper room, iron room, they past the kitchen and even the pantry. eventually they got to the boiler room, the attendant said that his room was behind the boiler through a somewhat hidden door. Nonetheless, the boy was still happy. A little while later the captain came to the boy and said that the boy had to work on the ship in order to pay for the remaining fees. The boy told the captain the only thing he was good at was diving into water. The captain came up with a great idea. The boy would dive from a high ladder into the pool in order to entertain guests. Later that day, the staff began to prepare the ladder. The ladder was high but the boy said that it could go higher, so they raised it. Again the boy demanded it go higher. They kept on raising it until the boy was pleased. The ladder was so high it was almost impossible to see the top. As guests began to crowd, the boy began to climb the ladder. Eventually he got to top. This was his moment, he looked down at the people and they looked like ants. Then he jumped… He flew through the air at such high speeds. The crowd was amazed. He landed in the pool but didnt stop there. He went through the diamond floor, silver floor, bronze floor, copper floor, iron floor, and the rest of the floors until he went through the ship completely. The boy resurfaced on the side of the boat and the captain helped him on board in shock. The captain was bewildered that the boy had survived and asked the boy how he had managed to stay alive. The boy replied saying that he had gone through many hardships in his life.
a good excuse……. There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles. The man finally stops and the officer tells him, When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop! The man says, Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving. The officer says, I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go. The man says, Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back. So the officer let him go.
A Man Was Driving His Wife Says? A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. Sir, did you know you were speeding? asked the officer. No, I had no idea that I was speeding, replied the husband. Of course you were, interrupted the wife, you’re always speeding. The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, And did you know your brake light is broken sir? No, I had no idea that it was broken, replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have. The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, Does she always talk to you like this? The wife said, Only when he’s drunk.
You think that joke was bad? Then read this: ──────── A helicopter crashes on a graveyeard. So far the police has found over 300 dead bodies. ──────── P.S. This joke was honestly stolen from MaxwellSalmon’s Bad Jokes bot P.P.S. Am I the only one who can not understand why it’s bad? It’s more funnier than most of top jokes here.
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen from down town. Police are combing the area.
All the toilets have been stolen from Scotland Yard The police have nothing to go on
A woman shot her husband. A woman shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor. When the police arrived at the house the sergeant contacted one of the officers over the radio: Have you arrested her yet? The sergeant asked. Not yet replied the officer, the floor’s still wet
A hit man is hired to kill a cow… But the contract is a bit odd. He’s supposed to find the cow in a rice field and beat it to death with two small porcelain figurines. Police caught him, though, and booked him for the knickknack paddy whack.
Who do you call for the console police? WiiU
Just Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. Fred, he replies. Fred what? the officer asks. Just Fred, the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name? The biker replies, It s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.
A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop. Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm. The cop asks Heisenberg Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies, No, but we know exactly where we are! The officer looks at him confused and says you were going 110 miles per hour! Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, Great! Now we’re lost! The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk. A cat , Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells Hey! This cat is dead. Schrödinger angrily replies, Well he is now. The cop proceeds to arrest the three. Ohm resists and gets tased.
What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it? Rest in **police**.
The Purple Man Joke So the purple man walks down the purple road and goes into a purple house. Inside the purple house there is a purple woman watching purple t.v. The purple man goes up the purple stairs and goes in the purple bedroom. The purple man picks up the purple pillow and finds a purple gun. The purple man goes down the purple stairs and goes out the purple door. The purple man walks down the purple road and into the purple bank. The purple man grabs the purple gun from his purple pocket and says to the purple teller, gimme all your purple money! And the purple teller give him the purple money. But it was counterfeit purple money, so when the purple teller gives the purple man the purple counterfeit money, the purple teller pushes the purple red button so the purple police show up. They push the purple man into the purple police car and they drive down the purple road and they end up at the purple jail. They take the purple man (now the purple inmate), and as they put the purple inmate in his purple jail cell they say this: indigo .
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head just robbed a bank. They run into a barn to hide from the cops chasing them. Each of them jumps into an empty burlap sack when the cops come in. The cops see the bags so they inspect them. The cops shakes the red head’s bag. Woof woof ! Says the red head. So the cops move on, thinking that it’s just the farmer’s dog. The cops shake the brunette’s bag. Meow! Says the brunette. So the cops move on. The cops approach the third sack and shake the bag. The blonde yells potatoes!
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman’s voice . …from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks? The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They’ve been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what’s going on. Do you mind? I’m making love to my wife, replies the man. Sorry, says the cop, I didn’t know. The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
TIL: In 1949, the French police spent 3 months investigating DiVince’s Mona Lisa in connection to a murder. Apparently she was framed.
A Londoner is walking his dog… …When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper’s hat off, and tears it to pieces. Oi! the policeman says, You gonna let your dog get away with that?! Ah, he’s just a bleedin’ dog! Leave it out! the Londoner replies. I don’t like your attitude! the policeman says. It wasn’t my ‘at he chewed, it was YOUR ‘at he chewed!
The policemen, the driver and the Titanic Two policemen stopped a Ferrari for a routine check. Inside the car were a distinct black man, with curly black hair and raven black eyes. – Documents please … The driver shows his license and registration certificate. The patrol leader reads: – Name: Leonardo Amazed, he looks at the driver. – Last Name: DiCaprio Even more astonished,he looks again at the driver. – Blue eyes, blonde hair … Now, turning to his colleague: – Hey Jim, did the Titanic sink or burn?
Police chase I was racing towards a cliff with police sirens ringing in my ears when I noticed my mirror was broken and I realized there was no looking back now
Three people are running from the cops. Three people are running from the cops. The first hides behind a fence, the second behind some garbage bags, and the third in a sack of potatoes. The cops walk by the fence and hear ruff ruff so they think oh, it must just be a dog and walk by. The cops walk past the garbage cans and hear meow so they think oh, it must just be a cat and walk by. They walk past the sack of potatoes and hear POOOOOOTAAAAATOOOOOOO
Being sick and tired of all the excess fat, one day I decided to burn it off. And then I started running… ..from the police for setting my wife on fire.
Cop sees a drunk guy staggering and waving his car keys in front of him…. Cop says: What’s the problem and what’s with the keys? Drunk says: I’ve lost my car! Cop then notices the drunk has his zipper down and penis dangling out. Cop says What the hell is *that*? Drunk looks down and shouts: SHIT! I’ve lost my girlfriend too!
A gender studies major gets mugged A gender studies major is walking through Central Park on her way back to campus, when a mugger jumps her. He takes her wallet and purse, but lets her keep her cellphone. She immediately calls the police. Was it a man or a woman? the cop asks once he got there. I don’t know, she says. I didn’t get to ask.
Fuck my neighbours They let me groom their dog, but threatened to call the police when I offered to do the same to their 6 year old son.
Optimus Prime wants to be a police officer. Guess that makes him Coptimus Prime.
a Guy walks down an American street. He sees a policeman and wave. Later the same day the police explain to the press: ”It was self-defence, he had a gun in his hand somewhere”
Nicolas Cage’s agent After a difficult day on the set Nicolas Cage returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks What happened? Well, one of the officer’s says, It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground. The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief, My agent came to my house?
Stumbling Drunk A drunk stumbling down the street walks up to this cop and says, Man, somebody stole my car. Cop says, Well, where was it last? Man says, Right here on the end of this key. Cop says, I dunno man. Why don’t you head to the precinct house and report it there. They’ll get you filled out with all the right forms and papers. Guy says, Okay, starts to walk off. Then the cop says, Before you go downtown you’re gonna want to zip up your fly. Guy looks down and goes, Oh man, they got my girl, too. > > *Townes Van Zandt tells it at Live at the Old Quarter in Houston, Texas at the beginning of the live edition of Mr. Mudd & Mr. Gold. *
Why doesn’t police catch iphone users? Because they jailbreak.
A police stops a speeding man. Reminds me of a classic joke: A traffic cop pulls over a man on the highway. He asks for his License. I haven’t got one, what with my constant drunk driving arrests. The cop is somewhat taken back, but proceeds to ask for registration. It’s in the glove box next to the gun. You have a gun in the car? Yes I used it to shoot the owner. You shot somebody?! YUP. Body’s in the trunk. THERE’S A DEAD BODY IN THE CAR??!!! HOLD ON I NEED BACKUP. A half-hour later, reinforcements have arrived and a senior officer cautiously approaches the car. Sir, what is your name? It’s right here on my License. He hands the cop his License. The cop then asks that he slowly open the glovebox, and to his surprise finds it empty. The driver shows his registration and confirms that it is his car. The bewildered cop asks him to pop the trunk. Sure enough, no dead body. Alright, I’m confused. The stopping officer said that you didn’t have a License, stole the car, murdered the owner and stashed his body in the trunk. Oh really. Did that liar also say I was speeding?
A trucker is driving down the road when a cop pulls out behind him… The cop pulls him over and walks up to the cab. What was that you just swallowed? he asks. Did I just see you take some dope? No, sir, says the trucker. Sure wasn’t any dope. Well, what did you just swallow then? Well, it was a birth control pill. What?!? What for? Well, as soon as I saw you pull out, I knew I was gonna be fucked!
Why do police ask to see your drinking license when they pull you over, but they call it a driver license like your bartender does before you can drink? Because his racist grandpa would say One Schwartz and da whole neighborhood is gone.
Voodoo Dick (NSFW) A husband comes home to his wife and informs her that he has to go out of town for a couple of weeks for business. This being his first time away from home for so long he was worried that his wife may get lonesome and need some intimate attention while he is gone. The next day he goes to the local sex toy shop and not impressed with the initial selection he asks the gentleman behind the counter for the best dildo money can buy. The clerk goes to the back and appears with a seemingly ancient dusty wooden box. As he opens the box it reveals an intricately carved dildo. Amazed the husband asks What is that?! . The clerk simply responds that it is named Voodoo Dick. The clerk proceeds to tell the man how it works. using some sort of black magic you can command the Voodoo Dick by simply stating Voodoo Dick!, and then stating where you would like the Voodoo dick to start pleasuring. He ends the conversation with the most important piece of advice. He says when you are finished with it you must state Voodoo Dick stop or command it to move to another part of the body. The husband throws money at the clerk and runs home. He explains it to his wife in detail and then leaves on his trip. The first week goes by and the wife decides that she needs a little action and opens the box containing Voodoo dick. struggling to remember the exact commands she finally utters Voodoo Dick, My pussy! . A slight shimmer surrounds the magical dildo and it raises from its box and starts immediately pounding away at her vagina. She reaches the most amazing orgasm she has ever experienced. Looking down she states ok you can stop now . Voodoo dick keeps fucking. STOP! she screams. Voodoo dick keeps fucking. QUIT, its hurting now! . Voodoo dick keeps fucking. In a panic she runs to her car and starts driving to the nearest hospital. The whole time she is speeding down the highway, Voodoo dick is pounding away. A police officer sees her speeding and pulls her over. Frantically she tells the whole story to the officer in hopes he will let her go. The officer, taken back by the story, looks at her and says… Voodoo Dick my ass!
Hans was a little disturbed…. … He confided in a friend: I have this girlfriend who came in as a migrant refugee couple of weeks ago and is staying in our city. She says she will blow me. Now I don’t know whether to lower my pants or call the Police…???
Knock knock Knock Knock… Who’s there? The police The police who? Mam, your son is dead.
The Police Academy Exchange Student Juan, a rookie cop from Mexico, goes to a police academy in Maine for a month in an exchange program. One day, he rides along with a highway patrol officer named Burt. Are you finding policing very different in the States? Burt asks. Not really, says Juan. A lot of Mexican laws are based on American ones. Our laws are better organized, though. The officer chuckles and swiftly pulls over his first catch of the day–a young man in a Chevy, going ten miles over the speed limit. Burt lets him off with a warning. Juan shakes his head when Burt returns to the car. Back home we wouldn’t pull someone over for something as little as that. A few minutes later, the cop pulls over another car, a woman in a Fiat, for zig-zagging through traffic and tailgating. Burt takes several minutes writing up a citation. American laws are much stricter than I expected, Juan said when the cop came back. In Mexico, we wouldn’t even notice someone driving like that. We certainly wouldn’t give a ticket. Finally, the pair see a red sports car roar down the shoulder, zipping past one, two, three cars before Burt can flip the siren on and zoom along the shoulder after him. As both cars come to a stop, Juan’s face lights up. Ah, this is more what I’m used to. I know how to handle this one, he says. He steps out of the car, draws his gun, and shoots the driver dead. What’d you do that for?! yells Burt. Juan looks confused. That’s one of the laws from America, do you really not know about ‘Tres passers will be shot?’
A police officer pull over one driver… A police officer pull over one driver on suspect of drunk driving. – Sir, please step out of your vehicle. You need to take a breath test. – Officer, do you know who my father is? – I do not, this is a breath test not a DNA test.
A police officer walks into a bar. He shoots it and claims self defense.
Did you hear about the black guy who was shot 15 times? The police said it was the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
A Man was driving along the road when A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front. Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks. I had to serve or I’d have run over those and blown my tyres! protested the driver. Ok , replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, but I’m still bringing you in. What for?! retorted the man. Tacks evasion , answered the policeman.
A blonde woman finds a dead body… Immediately, she calls the police. She says, Hello, I have found a dead body The 911 operator replies, Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it? She looks around and says, Eucalyptus Street The operator asks, Can you spell it for me? The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, Don’t worry, I’ll just move it to Smith Street
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The man replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this fine bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Aren’t you having any? The woman replies, No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.
