Why is the Ocean blue? Because the fish go blublublu.
University: Got any money for tuition? Me: Go Fish
What do you call a… Q: What do you call a woman who can cook, clean, sew, hunt, fish, nurse, coach, inspire, knows sports, cars, is great in bed and is married to an Army man? A: A swiss Army wife…
A hot day (nsfw maybe?) One hot summer day there was this fly sitting on a branch over a stream. In the stream there was a fish that thought if that fly moves down 6 inches I could jump out of the water and get the fly. On shore there was a bear watching this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the water I could grab that fish for a nice meal today. A few yards behind the beat there was a hunter having lunch watching all this who thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish I could shoot the bear for a nice trophy today. Behind the hunter there was a mouse watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear he would have to put his sandwich down and I could grab it for a nice meal today. Behind the mouse there was a cat watching all this and thought if that fly moves down 6 inches and the fish jumps out of the and the bear reaches to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich I could grab the mouse and have a nice meal today. Well, just about that time it got too hot for the fly soooo the fly moved down 6 inches and the fish jumped out of the and the bear reached to grab that fish and the hunter went to shoot the bear and the mouse went for the sandwich and the cat pounced for the mouse. To make a long story short the cat missed, rolled into the river and drowned to death. Moral of this story? When a fly moves down 6 inches a pussy is in danger.
2 fish in a tank 2 fish in a tank, one fish looks at the other and say’s do you know how to drive this thing?
Three men are golfing…. There are three men golfing. Jesus, Moses, and a quite old man. They all come across a lake, with the hole on the other side. Jesus swings his club, and launches his ball halfway across the lake. He takes a step onto the water, goes to his ball, and swings it out back onto the green. After he finished, Moses took his ball and swung his club. It landed again, halfway across the lake. Moses then spreads his arms and splits the lake in half, then proceeds to hit it out onto the green as well. It was finally the old man’s turn. The old man swung his club, and launched his ball. As it was about to hit the lake, a fish jumps out of the lake, and catches the ball in its mouth. Before the fish can hit the water, an eagle flies by, catches the fish, and flies away. While flying by, the fish finally drops the ball onto the green, and into the hole. Jesus, walking over to the old man, says, Nice shot, dad.
Never believe what a fish says It sounds fishy…. … sorry
What’s the difference between a catfish and a Al Sharpton? One’s a bottom dwelling, scum sucker The other one’s a fish.
They say you can tune a piano But you can’t tune a fish
i am sure that After reading this you will avoid to argue with woman!!! A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, Good morning, ma’am. What are you doing here? Reading a book, she replied, thinking, Is this guy blind or what? You’re in a restricted fishing area, he informed her. But, Officer, I’m not fishing. You can see that, surely. But you have all the equipment, ma’am. I’ll have to write you up. If you do that, I will charge you with rape, returned the irate woman. But I haven’t even touched you, the sheriff objected. That’s true; but you have all the equipment. THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
thefisherman the fisher man who lived in glasgow had been unemployed for months. He heard they were hiring in Peterhead. He spent his last money getting there. When he arrived he went to harbour and asked the agent for a job. The agent agreed to hire him and told him to go into town and get a room for the night and come back in the morning when he would be allocated to a boat.Being skint the man said can I have a sub. The agent replied fuck off you,ll get a trawler like the rest of them.
Sweat dreams Two friends were talking. One friend said, You will not be able to believe that last night in my dream I went fishing. My God, what a great fish, so huge. The whole night I was fishing and fishing and there was no end… greater and greater fish…! The other man said, This is nothing. What I saw last night you will certainly not believe. I saw that on one side Marilyn Monroe is lying naked and on the other side another beauty. As he asserted this the first man said, You idiot. You pretend to be my best friend. Why did you not call me? The man said, I did. I went running to your house, and your wife told me that you had gone fishing!
How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose ? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, a clam, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find
What did the fisherman do when he really liked a woman? He invited her over to net fish and krill.
Well son… An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, Grandpa, can I have a cigar? The old man asks, Son, can your dick touch your asshole? The young boy says no. Then you can’t have a cigar. Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, Grandpa, can I have a beer? The old man asks, Son, can your dick touch your asshole? The young boy says no. Well, then you can’t have a beer. Another 20 minutes passes, and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips. The old man asks, Son, can I have some of your chips? The boy asks, Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole? The old man says, It sure can. The boy says, Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips.
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend. Second guy: That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool. Third guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy hasn’t said a word. So they asked him. You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal? Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, Fishing or sex, and she said, Wear sun-block. smile emoticon
Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash … … and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere. After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It’s a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep under the beautiful sky. Some weeks pass. One day, the stewardess says: – Okay guys, we know we’re here for a long time, possibly for ever. I know you have needs, and I have needs too. We are good friends, we know each other well … I think we can do something : I could have sex everyday, one day with one of you, and the other one on the next day, etc. And if anything goes wrong, if one of us wants to stop for any reason, we just stop without asking any question. What do you think ? The two pilots look at each other shyly and finally approve. It’s the beginning of a new life. They make love every other day, everyone is satisfied, and they all live happy together. Sadly, one day, the stewardess get sick. And after a few weeks of painful fever and headaches, she dies. The two pilots are very affected. But they decide to be strong, and try to keep living as they can. One day, one of them tells the other: – You know … we know each other for a long time, and after all we’ve been through, I think we could try … you know… The other pilot answers : – Man, I was thinking the same thing. Let’s try, and if one of us wants to stop, no questions, we just stop. And then, they have a sex again, and everything is fine again. Until one day, one of them tell the other – Hey … I’m sorry but, you know, I feel bad about it, it’s not as good as it was, it doesn’t feel the same. We said that we could stop at any time, so, yeah, I think I want to stop . – Oh boy, I totally agree, it’s not the same, we can stop, no problem. – So … should we bury her ?
TIFU by changing TIFU’s meaning to make a joke. Today I fished (for) up-votes by ( insert made up story ).
An old lady called me insane today. I said hey, that’s not nice! She said fuck you That’s when i took the fish out of my underpants and started chasing her
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked, That guy must have been a very avid fisherman. Oh, he still is, remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
If you choose not to go for a boat-ride… is it a fished opportunity?
Next time use chrome A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating? The man replies, All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious – Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything –meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything. Well, says the dentist, that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome. Why chrome? asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!
Singles Ad SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work! Call and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Man…. what a bitch.
The Belgians are pissed off… The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; meh, we will build a bridge in the Sahara . The king of Belgium approves and so it happens; the Dutch build a bridge in the desert. They became the laughing stock of the world. The king of Belgium is pleased and says to king Willem: Ha ha that was funny, you can remove the bridge. King Willem responds: We can’t, there are Belgians on the bridge trying to fish.
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river …holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses. We don’t have any, replied the first blonde. Well, if **you’re** going to fish, you need fishing licenses. said the Game Warden. But officer, replied the second blonde, we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river. The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. Well, I know of no law against it, said the Game Warden, take all the debris you want, and with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb Fish Cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!
In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know. It’s 1969. China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day. Well, so thinks Richard Nixon. See, he’d been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he was determined that the pope, and only the pope, could broker a deal between two hostile nations. If you’ve not seen *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, it’s a fine film with Anthony Quinn and there’s international problems solved by the pope. Anyways, Nixon rings up the Vatican and convinces the pope that he has to come to New York to visit the UN. Due to the tenuous situation, this visit has to be utterly secret. It’s *brrrrrrrrrrr* gotta be secret your holiness! They’ve got a room for him at the Waldorf, it’ll be a one day visit. Get in, get out, get a t-shirt. The pope, who hadn’t been to America in a good long while, accepts this mission. He throws on his red hat and cape, and he hustles to a cab stand. Where to? asks the cabbie. The pope stammers, just…just get me to Roma International please. They drive in silence, and the cabbie looks in his rearview. Heyyyy…now wait-a minute! (the cabbie has an Italian accent. This isn’t easily explainable) I a-know you! You..you’re a famous man! The pope, terrified of breaking his cover before he’s even left Rome, looks away and mutters, No, no I’m not, must be someone else. Noooo! I a-seen you on the tv! Red hat…red cape…OH! You are Elvis Presley! I assure you, I am not Elvis Presley! says the pope, feelings a little hurt. Yes-a you are! You do the shuffles and the music, oh my wife gonna be so jealous! The pope scuttles out of the cab at the airport and hurries to the ticket counter. He orders a round trip to JFK, and the man at the ticket counter looks up and gasps. Signore! Don’t I know you? Mama mia, I seen you on television last night! No, sir. I assure you I’m nobody of any importance. Yes you are! You got the cape…you got the hat…oh madonna you are ELVIS PRESLEY! He starts to squeal and hit the counter. SIR! PLEASE! Just…just get me a ticket to JFK! On the plane. Pope’s got his bible out, going over some choice passages, and the stewardess bringing coffee nearly drops it in his lap, crying, Elvis! Elvis Presley is on my plane! The pope hisses at her to be quiet and could she please bring some more peanuts. Harried and exhausted, he gets a cab at JFK. Waldorf Astoria, please. The cabbie, and we’re talkin’ the quintessential Brooklyn cabbie here, chews on his cigar and lifts his cap and says, Sweet Jesus on a bus to Greenpoint! You’re famous, ain’t ya? The pope is nearly reduced to tears at this point. The cabbie continues. You got dat red hat! You got the fancy uptown lady cape, only one man has the balls to carry that off, you’re Elvis Presley! At the Waldorf, it all happens again. The clerk says, here’s the key to your room! And in a sotto vocce whisper that echoes across the lobby, *..mister Presley*! The pope goes up to his room. He wishes the president had never watched *The Shoes of the Fisherman*. He turns the key in the lock. Two young chambermaids are making up his room. They spin to face him and erupt in shrieks. Oh my god! It’s….it’s….ELVIS! One flops on the bed and the other starts to slowly unlace her uniform. The pope looks down, buries his head in his hands, comes up and says, . . ♫ Wiiiiiise… mennnn….. sayyyyyyyy…♫
A boy is selling fish on a corner. A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here! A pastor hears this and asks, Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’ The boy responds, Because I caught these fish at the local dam. The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way. He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!
Brain Stew Once upon a time, a man goes to a restaurant to eat dinner. On the menu he sees various kinds of brain stew. The lamb brain stew is $20, the fish brain stew is $25, the chicken brain stew is $15, the cow brain stew is $30 and so on, at the bottom he sees blonde brain stew and that is $999. Curious, the man calls the waiter and asks him, I see the brain stew is reasonable for different animals, but why is the blonde brain stew so expensive? The waiter replies, Sir, we rarely find blonde brains, that is why it is so expensive
Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone…. One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying sorry I did a bad thing! What did you do asked jimmy’s mom? Jimmy wiped away a tear and said I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran.
All these recent David Cameron jokes have left me with a bad taste in my mouth. One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying sorry I did a bad thing! What did you do asked jimmy’s mom? Jimmy wiped away a tear and said I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran.
A Fishing Trip Late one morning, a man returns after several hours of fishing and goes to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife Marsha decides to take the boat out herself. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and began to read a book. Soon after, along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says, Good morning, ma’am, what are you doing? Reading a book, she replies, thinking, Isn’t that obvious? You’re in a restricted fishing area, he informs her. I’m sorry, officer, she responds, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading. Yes, he answers, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up. For reading a book? she asks. You’re in a restricted fishing area, he informs her again. I’m sorry, officer, but as you can see I’m not fishing, I’m reading. Yes, he acknowledges, but for all I know, you could start at any moment. So I’ll have to take you in. If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault, says Marsha. But I haven’t even touched you, cries the warden. That’s true, she admits, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. Have a nice day ma’am, he replies, and he leaves. Moral of the story: Never argue with a woman, especially one who reads.
My wife is like a Mermaid Below her pelvis, she smells like fish.
A young monk went fishing A young monk goes fishing with two other much older and experienced monks. While out in the boat one of the older monks realizes he has forgotten his favorite hook, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and returns shortly with his favorite hook. The young monk is stunned at this sight. A short while later the other older monk needs to recover a fishing cork he has dropped into the lake. He gets out of the boat, walks across the water about 15 feet, picks up the cork, and returns to the boat. The young monk is wide eyed at this miracle, knowing full well that what he though the impossible can be done. Time passes and the young monk makes up an excuse to go ashore so he steps out of the boat, sinks over his head in the very cold water, and he comes bobbing and sputtering to the surface. While treading water and feeling humiliated he asks the two monks, How did you do that? The walking on water. One of the old monk replied, it is easy if you know where the rocks are.
New weights and measures 1. The ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone 14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 17. 52 cards = 1 decacards 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 22. 10 rations = 1 decoration 23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League 27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, Do you need help, sir? The preacher calmly said No, God will save me. A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, Hey, do you need help? The preacher replied again, No God will save me. Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, Why didn’t you save me? God replied, Fool, I sent you two boats!
Two idiots rent a boat… They go out fishing and have the best day they’ve ever had. Both of them have caught personal bests, and wish to remember the spot so they can come back tomorrow. One guy asks how they will remember the spot. The other guy says I know! And begins to draw a big X in the bottom of the boat with a pen. The other guy says: You idiot! How do you know we’re gonna get the same boat next time?!.
A guy walks up to the bar and asks the bartender if he is a betting man What might we be betting on? asks the bartender. The man replies, I bet you one thousand dollars that I can put a shot glass on the end of the bar down there, come back over here and piss into it and not miss a drop. The bartender thinks for a minute and then decides, I think I’d pay a thousand dollars just to see that. So the man puts a shot glass down at the end of the bar, walks back and climbs up onto the bar and unzips his fly. Then he pissed everywhere. Nowhere was safe within reach of his powerful stream. He finished up and the bartender, grinning from ear to ear watched the guy fish a grand in cash out of his pocket, asked, so why did you make a bet for a THOUSAND dollars you knew you couldn’t win? To which the man replied, well you see that disappointed man in the white suit and a cowboy hat? I bet him FIVE grand that I could piss all over your bar and you’d be happy about it.
A few pickup lines to use on the ladies… I like my women like I like my mattresses. Immobile and under a sheet I like my women like I like my contact lenses. Transparent and shallow I like my women like I like my four horsemen. Four of them, willing to ride I like my women like I like Lance Armstrong. Possessing of fewer testicles than I I like my women like I like my men. Human beings with working genitalia I like my women like I like my lionfish. Wet, horny, and resembling a fish I like my women like I like my classical music. Hundreds of years old in pieces on a piano I like my women like I like my avid readers. Thirsting for the climax I like my women like I like my congress. Full of dicks I like my women like I like my coffee. Thick, foreign, and filled with cream I like my women like I like my wine. Seven years old and in my basement I like my women like I like my dinosaur bones. Old, brown, and buried somewhere in Utah I like my women like I like my chocolate. Dark, rich, and associated with acne I like my women like I like my US history. Butchered by white guys I like my women like I like my donuts. Deep fried, with a hole in the middle I like my women like I like my chickens. With large, genetically modified breasts I like my women like I like my gum. 25% plastic I like my women like I like my dogs. Loud, shaved, and potty trained I like my women like I like my old trees. Dead inside I like my women like I like my intestines. Huge, pink, and full of shit I like my women like I like my phone service. Dead in the desert I like my women like I like my doctors, empty boarding schools, and Amazon.com. Without borders I like my women like I like my children. Supposed to come first I like my women like I like my fields. Wide open… also being plowed by a horse I like my women like I like my water bottles. Tall, strong, and full of alcohol I like my women like I like my cocaine. Illegally imported, unable to testify, and spread out on my desk
A women accepted to play with her Son. She was shocked when her son said this. A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. **Mom**: Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play **Son**: But mom, there’s no one to play with **Mom**: I’ll play with you, what do you wanna play? **Son**: Let’s play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed. The mom said OK and went upstairs, the son put on his dad’s fishing hat and lit up one of his dad’s cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. **Mom**: Now what do I do **Mom**: Get you ass out of bed and fix that kid some freaking ice cream.
A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar A fly lands in the Frenchman’s beer and he says Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more! and he pushes it away. A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American’s beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says It’s just a fly, no big deal. and continues drinking it. Several more minutes go by and yet another fly lands in the Irishman’s beer. He suddenly jumps up, picks up the fly and angrily yells SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!
My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them. I thought that it couldn’t reallly hurt my chances just to try. 3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though. Maybe this strategy isn’t for me…
The Old Man and the Chef One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer’s market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could. As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting board. He raised the knife, when the old man stopped him. What do you think you’re doing? Well, I’m making seafood, the chef replied. I can’t exactly cook the food if it’s still alive. That fish deserves another lease on life. How much are you going to sell the meal for? $12. Tell you what, I’ll give you $20 if you give me the fish, alive. Never one to turn down a profit, the chef hands him the fish in a pail of water. The old man nods, then turns and walks to the nearest bridge over water. It’s a good thing I came by! the old man said as he tossed the fish off the bridge and into the river. The next day, the old man is out on his walk again. And once again, he walks through the market at the same time. He passed by the chef, just as he was halfway through butchering a fish. You’re at it again!? the old man yelled. I’ve been doing this all day, sir. It’s just what a chef does! The old man pointed to the bucket. Gimme the next fish, he’s gonna live to see another day. I’ll give you $20. And again, the chef gave him the fish, which the old man tossed into the river. Realizing the business opportunity that had presented itself, the chef hatched a plan: every day at the same time, he would make sure to be working on fish. And sure enough, for weeks, the old man would give him $20 to save one fish. Weeks had gone by, and the chef noted the time, and saw the old man coming. He reached for a fish, but to his shock, he was all out. He quickly glanced around to see what was nearby, but all that was there were some diners with their baby. Panicking, he grabbed the baby out of the stroller and put it on the cutting board. As the old man got to the chef, his eyes widened. What is THIS?!? Realizing just what he had done, the chef nervously coughed. W-well, a customer wanted it, and, erm, the customer is always right, so… How much are they paying you to cook them a goddamn baby?!?! Uh… $100? The old man pulled out his money clip and took out two crisp $100 bills. Here, I’ll give you $200. He threw the money down on the table, then picked up the baby, cradling it gently in his arms as he walked away. It’s a good thing I came by, baby! the old man said, tossing the baby into the river.
As my eyesight gets worse my parents blame video games while my optometrist says it’s due to the roundness of my eyeball. One way or the other, there is a stigma. One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer’s market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could. As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting board. He raised the knife, when the old man stopped him. What do you think you’re doing? Well, I’m making seafood, the chef replied. I can’t exactly cook the food if it’s still alive. That fish deserves another lease on life. How much are you going to sell the meal for? $12. Tell you what, I’ll give you $20 if you give me the fish, alive. Never one to turn down a profit, the chef hands him the fish in a pail of water. The old man nods, then turns and walks to the nearest bridge over water. It’s a good thing I came by! the old man said as he tossed the fish off the bridge and into the river. The next day, the old man is out on his walk again. And once again, he walks through the market at the same time. He passed by the chef, just as he was halfway through butchering a fish. You’re at it again!? the old man yelled. I’ve been doing this all day, sir. It’s just what a chef does! The old man pointed to the bucket. Gimme the next fish, he’s gonna live to see another day. I’ll give you $20. And again, the chef gave him the fish, which the old man tossed into the river. Realizing the business opportunity that had presented itself, the chef hatched a plan: every day at the same time, he would make sure to be working on fish. And sure enough, for weeks, the old man would give him $20 to save one fish. Weeks had gone by, and the chef noted the time, and saw the old man coming. He reached for a fish, but to his shock, he was all out. He quickly glanced around to see what was nearby, but all that was there were some diners with their baby. Panicking, he grabbed the baby out of the stroller and put it on the cutting board. As the old man got to the chef, his eyes widened. What is THIS?!? Realizing just what he had done, the chef nervously coughed. W-well, a customer wanted it, and, erm, the customer is always right, so… How much are they paying you to cook them a goddamn baby?!?! Uh… $100? The old man pulled out his money clip and took out two crisp $100 bills. Here, I’ll give you $200. He threw the money down on the table, then picked up the baby, cradling it gently in his arms as he walked away. It’s a good thing I came by, baby! the old man said, tossing the baby into the river.
What’s worse than putting the punchline in the title? One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer’s market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could. As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting board. He raised the knife, when the old man stopped him. What do you think you’re doing? Well, I’m making seafood, the chef replied. I can’t exactly cook the food if it’s still alive. That fish deserves another lease on life. How much are you going to sell the meal for? $12. Tell you what, I’ll give you $20 if you give me the fish, alive. Never one to turn down a profit, the chef hands him the fish in a pail of water. The old man nods, then turns and walks to the nearest bridge over water. It’s a good thing I came by! the old man said as he tossed the fish off the bridge and into the river. The next day, the old man is out on his walk again. And once again, he walks through the market at the same time. He passed by the chef, just as he was halfway through butchering a fish. You’re at it again!? the old man yelled. I’ve been doing this all day, sir. It’s just what a chef does! The old man pointed to the bucket. Gimme the next fish, he’s gonna live to see another day. I’ll give you $20. And again, the chef gave him the fish, which the old man tossed into the river. Realizing the business opportunity that had presented itself, the chef hatched a plan: every day at the same time, he would make sure to be working on fish. And sure enough, for weeks, the old man would give him $20 to save one fish. Weeks had gone by, and the chef noted the time, and saw the old man coming. He reached for a fish, but to his shock, he was all out. He quickly glanced around to see what was nearby, but all that was there were some diners with their baby. Panicking, he grabbed the baby out of the stroller and put it on the cutting board. As the old man got to the chef, his eyes widened. What is THIS?!? Realizing just what he had done, the chef nervously coughed. W-well, a customer wanted it, and, erm, the customer is always right, so… How much are they paying you to cook them a goddamn baby?!?! Uh… $100? The old man pulled out his money clip and took out two crisp $100 bills. Here, I’ll give you $200. He threw the money down on the table, then picked up the baby, cradling it gently in his arms as he walked away. It’s a good thing I came by, baby! the old man said, tossing the baby into the river.
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, he insisted. And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules, he said. Any comments? His new bride replied, No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night … whether you’re here or not.
Italy, year VI of the Fascist Era. A very very poor farmer is desperate. He doesn’t have food, money or clothes for his children. He’s so desperate that he decides to write a letter to God, asking for 500 lire (Italian money). So he takes a pen and some paper, writes the request, and encloses it in an envelope. Now he has to write the address… > To The Almighty Then he stops and thinks OK. Where does the Almighty live? They say that all the big fish live in Rome. And he writes: > To The Almighty > Rome The postman receives the letter, reads this address, and figures out that it must be Benito Mussolini, the Duce, who was considered godlike. When Mussolini receives the letter, he’s moved and decides to send 250 lire to the poor farmer, to be more loved and to exploit the situation for propaganda. He also signs the letter with his autograph. When the farmer receives the letter, he opens it and is ecstatic. After calming down, he decides to reply to send thanks. So he writes: >Dear Almighty, > thanks from the bottom of my heart, this money will help my family survive. > Just one thing though. Next time you send money, please don’t let it pass through Benito Mussolini’s hands: that motherfucker stole half the money!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A tunee fish 🙂
Fishing A local sheriff received an anonymous tip that there was a young man fishing at the pond without a license. He decides to check it out, and, arriving at the pond, he spots two teenagers fishing at the shore. As he is approaching the pair, one of them looks up, sees the sheriff, and takes off at a sprint. He gives chase, trailing him for about a quarter-mile, at which point the young man is out of breath. The sheriff grabs him and says, panting, Let me see your fishing license. The teenager pulls out his license and hands it to him. Why’d you run away from me if you have a license? You weren’t doing anything wrong, the policeman gasps, still exhausted. Suddenly, a grin appears on the young man’s face. I have my license, he explained, but my buddy back there doesnt!
Why the chicken crossed the road RONALD FISHER: Why does it have to be a chicken? Why not a frog, turkey, or pig? We randomly try to a have chicken, frog, turkey and pig cross the road 10 times each. We then compare the mean number of times each animal crossed the road to determine if there’s a difference in means. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. AUGUST MOBIUS: To get to the same side. ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. DARTH VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking all over the place anyway? AL GORE: I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. Did I mention that I invented roads? KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. JANOS von NEUMANN: The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on your side. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. ANDRE AMPERE: To keep up with current events. ROBERT BOYLE: She had been under too much pressure at home. JAMES WATT: It thought it would be a good way to let off steam. THOMAS EDISON: She thought it would be an illuminating experience. JEAN FOUCALT: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross. KARL GAUSS: Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side. GUSATV HERTZ: Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency. GEORG OHM: There was more resistance on this side of the road. ERWIN SCHRODINGER: Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer (else the fowl’s motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that the chicken simultaneously did and did not cross the road. In the face of this, any speculation as to the bird’s purpose must be viewed as mere sophistry – and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.
Pink Ping Pong Ball A extremely rich man, has a son. On the son’s sixteenth birthday the father planned an extravaganza hiring rare and expensive wonders. Thousands of guest where to attend. To make his son’s birthday perfect he asked his son what he wanted to make his birthday the best ever willing to buy the anything in the world. The son thought about this for along time and eventually told the father. I want one Pink Ping Pong ball. The father was confused but he agreed. The day of the party was a event to remember the Blue Angels painted the sky and Indian mini elephants brought in a gilded chocolate cake. After the concert with too many high profile stars to name it was time to open the presents. Along with the slew of high end clothing and private islands there was a small box for the boys father. Inside was a Pink Ping Pong ball. The young man was ecstatic thanked his father profusely and scampered up to his room. He was in there about two hours before he came out and the Father never saw the Pink Ping Pong ball again. A year passed and the Father was ready to throw his son another birthday party. Again he wanted this to be the best party the world and his son had where seen. I mean 17 is an important age. So the father pulled out all the stop. And to make sure the party was perfect the father again asked his son about what he wanted as a present. And the son thought about it for a few minutes and said he wanted a whole crate of Pink Ping Pong balls. Now the father was confused and asked if the son if he was sure. The son thought for a couple more minutes and nodded. The day of the party the father had hired hundred’s of A list celebrities to attend the party. He reconstructed the backyard of his mansion estate to accommodate a gilded marble statue of his son. The first truly sentient robot brought a cake made of edable diamonds. And every person in attendance got a gold plated iPhone 9 in their gift bags, complete with hologram features. Now it was time for the presents admist a real alein pet and a autographed copy of every president’s portrait. Their was a large box from the boys father he opened it and inside was a large crate full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic thank his father and rushed to his bedroom. The father never saw the crate or any of the Pink Ping Pong balls again. Another year passed and the father was trying to plan another party for his beloved son. Again he wanted the son to have everything and was prepared to spend billions to accommodate his sons any wish so he asked what the son wanted. Without even a pause the son said he wanted a whole truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father had put up with a few years of wondering and had to ask what the son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls. The son looked at the father for a few seconds the responded. Don’t worry I will tell you in due time. Albeit very curious about the Pink Ping Pong balls the father respect his son and stopped asking. The day of the party the they where all transported to the surface of Mars and met the real Martians. The daughters of the king of Mars offered themselves to the son in sexual ways. I mean he is 18 now. After he had his way with them they filleted themselves and presented eachother to be eaten by the son. After the meal which tasted rather like a good smoked venison stake, they returned home it was time to open the presents. the frozen head of Walt Disney and a true recreation of Lola bunny for future sexual release set aside as the father showed the son the semi truck full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The son was ecstatic about this wonderful gift far more then another thing he had received. The boy when into the the back of the truck and closed the door. When he left out from the back of the truck five hours later the truck was completely empty not a Pink Ping Pong ball in site. Another year passes and the father knew he needed to out do himself. The father again asked the son what he wanted hesitant of the answer. Immediately the son responded with how he wanted a whole warehouse full of Pink Ping Pong balls. The father knew he had to find out what his son did with the Pink Ping Pong balls but still didn’t want to invade his son’s privacy. So he hatches a plan. The day of the party they enter a sub and went to the Lost City of the Mirmaids. And met this queen of the city. The queen slept with the son then offered her daughter as food for the feast. The son saw the daughters beauty and rejected her offer to eat her and subsequently had sex with the princess. Still a hunger the son asked the queen if she wouldn’t replace her daughter as the main course and the queen reluctantly agreed. A nice white fish mixed with a succulent stake, both the son and the Princess enjoyed the meal. And the son promised to keep in contact. The father brought them back to the surface. As it was time to open the gifts. After opening his platinum Suit of armor and a working lightsaber. The father led the son to a car that would drive the son to the Son to the warehouse. The driver was instructed by the father to ask about what the son was doing in the warehouse and with the Pink Ping Pong balls. As they drove the driver asked questions artfully. But alas the son skillfully doged the questions and the driver was left without an answer. They pulled up to the ware house and the son got out. He instructed the driver not to enter the warehouse and to return in the morning. Out from the window the driver saw that the warehouse was in fact full to the brim with Pink Ping Pong balls. In the morning the driver returned to see that the warehouse house was in fact empty. Later the father hired people to scoure the residence. But not a single Pink Ping Pong ball was to be found. Now the father was so curious that he had to find out be damned his sons privacy so he planed to set up cameras and do whatever it took to find out next year. But about a month before his birthday the son was in a terrible accident and was put on life support. The father stayed by his son every day and eventually the son did indeed wake up. The father distraught over his sons predicament told him that he would get the son anything anything he wanted. The son through his emense pain managed to ask Father… dear Father can… You please… Get me… One Pink Ping Pong ball. The father blindsided by his sons request blurts out damn it what do you do with those damn Pink Ping Pong balls? The son repostions himself because of the pain before responding I will tell you after you bring me the Pink Ping Pong ball The father calls up the man that had gotten the other Pink Ping Pong balls and requested one more. If nothing else he would finally know about the Pink Ping Pong balls. The father contact brings the last Pink Ping Pong ball and the father sets it in front of the son. Now tell me… What… What is it that you do with those Pink Ping Pong balls? Well… I…. Use the…. Pink… Ping… Pong…… Ballls…. For…….. and the son dies from his injuries.
