If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer
The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly… … the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately. So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab. The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short. As the taxi is calmly underway to the airport, the Pope asks the driver, Can’t we speed up? We won’t make it on time like this! The driver responds, I’m sorry, but I have to keep to the speed limits, otherwise I could lose my license.. Frustrated the Pope says, Fine, just pull aside here and I will drive then . And so, moments later the taxi cab departs with the Pope behind the wheel. Further down the road a policeman notices the speeding cab and stops them over. When the policeman asks the driver to lower the darkened window, he suddenly realizes it’s the Pope. Taken aback, he asks the Pope to remain in the vehicle and uses the dispatch in his own car to contact HQ. I’ve got a question.. When someone is caught speeding, they ought to get a ticket, yes? -Of course, that’s how we always do things But what if it is someone really important? -The law is the law. It applies to everyone But what if it is someone really, really important? -Wait, who are we talking about here? I don’t know sir, but whomever it is, he has the Pope as his personal chauffeur!
A drunk white guy swerves and hits 2 black teens walking down the sidewalk One went through the windshield, the other was flung 50 yards away. When the police show up, they charge the first kid with breaking and entering and the other with fleeing the scene of a crime.
Johnny and his girlfriend (NSFW) Johnny and his girlfriend are out on a date, and after the movie decide they want to get frisky. They pull off the side of the road and things start getting hot and heavy. It turns out she’s on her period, so they don’t have sex, but Johnny still decides to fingerbang her. Suddenly there’s a tap on the window, which luckily has fogged up. Johnny rolls down the window and a cop asks, What are you two doing in there? and Johnny says Eating pizza. Then licks his fingers. *This one is much better delivered in person, and sucking on the tips of your fingers when delivering the punchline.
Elephant in the vegetable patch An elephant escapes from a zoo and ends up in a little old ladies vegetable garden and starts munching. Having never seen an elephant in her life, she freaks out and calls the police. There’s a giant creature in my yard and it’s pulling out my vegatables with it’s tail! What’s it doing with them? If I told you, you’d never believe me!
So there is an elite team being put together for a government agency… This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And the ONLY requirements are you have to be married, you cant have any children, and you must have a law enforcement/military background. So police officers and ex military from all parts of the state start lining up and fighting for the position. And after months of interrogating and background checks, they weed through the recruits and get down to three guys. And all three guys get word that it basically comes down to one final test, and that will determine if you get the job or not. The final day of testing comes and the first guy is called. The instructor sends him through a door and says lets see how dedicated you are as he closes it. As soon as he walks in he see’s his wife tied up, and a gun next to her on a table. Next to the gun is a piece of paper that reads: If you want the position, you must shoot your wife . As soon as the guy is done reading he says, Fuck this I’m not killing my wife are you nuts!? and turns around and walks out the door and immediately demands his wife be released. The second guy gets called in. Again the instructor sends him through the door and there he sees the same thing. Ten minutes later he walks out with tears in his eyes and says, As much as I want the position, I want a family with my wife more . His wife is released and they walk out the door. The third guy gets called in. The instructor sends him through the door and closes it. Two minutes later you hear… POW! POW! POW! followed by loud pounding and thumping…. Finally after about eight minutes the guy walks out. The instructor looks at him see’s he’s bright red and he’s got sweat pouring down his face. The instructor says, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!? The guy looks at him and goes SOME IDIOT LOADED THE GUN WITH BLANKS SO I ENDED UP HAVING TO STRANGLE THE BITCH .
Three drunks sitting at a bar Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day. 1st drunk says I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks . The 2nd drunk says that’s nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden! . 3rd drunk says that’s nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house, threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed! . The 1st drunk says I don’t think you understood me, Chunks is my dog. .
Ray and Gary: The Shot Ray and Gary were at a firing range, they wanted to shoot but the officers there said they can’t shoot yet. Ray asked Gary if they wanted to take a shot without the officers noticing. Later that night Ray somehow managed to break in to the locked gun room but Gary was gone. Ray waited for an hour until he saw a speeding car, following were 3 cop cars but in the speeder was no one other than an intoxicated Gary. He took shot as a beer shot. ‘Wonderful’ Ray thought. Gary jumped out the right door of the car as the police still chased the speeder. Ray ran to Gary, crippled and covered in beer.Ray slapped Gary in the back of the head and said, Damn it Gary, you idiot as an explosion brightened the night sky. Probably the speeder.
There was an inflatable boy… There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him. The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatable school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, I hate school , and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom. A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster. Shaking his deflated head – more in sorrow than in anger – the Headmaster gravely intones: You’ve let me down; you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.
Two men robbed the Louvre Two men robbed the Louvre in Paris. Soon after, the police found the thieves stopped in their van on the side of the road. When the thieves were asked why they had stopped, they answered: We did not have enough Monet to buy Degas and make the Van Gogh.
A little old lady A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag. Oh, really? Darn it! said the little old lady. I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. Well, now, not so fast, said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you? Oh, no, no , said the old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’ Well, that seems only fair, said the cop, laughing. OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag? the old lady said…. well,Not everybody pays.
Caught having sex A guy was fucking his girlfriend in his car when a tap on the window revealed a cop outside. He rolled down the window and the cop tells him when you’re done I’m next . The guy finishes, opens the door and the cop notices the guy shaking in fear. The cop asks him why so nervous? The guy replies I’ve never fucked a cop before.
HELP? I need help remembering a joke. Is it ok to ask this here? There was a joke about a guy being pulled over saying he was a clown late for the circus, then he took out road flares to juggle to prove to the cop he was a clown, then maybe somebody else drove by or something… does this sound familiar to anyone?
I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun. The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon
Police officer: what’d you take, you’re sweating, shaking and going crazy…. Perp: nothing sir, just searching for The Lord!
A Drunk is Walking Down the Street he walks up to a cop and says, Man, somebody stole my car. The cop asks, well where was it? The drunk goes, it was on the end of this key here. The cop replies, I dunno man. Why don’t you go down to the station and file a report down there. You fill out all the proper forms and they’ll help you. The drunk says, OK. And he starts to walk off. The cop hollers at him, Hey! Before you go downtown you might want to zip up your fly. The Drunk looks down and says, aww man, they got my girl too!
Woman runs into a police station shouting, Help! I’ve been graped! Policeman responds with, Don’t you mean RAPED? Woman replies, No – there was a whole bunch of ’em!
Politicians A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. So you buried all the politicians? asked the police officer. Were they all dead? The farmer answered, Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.
I hear your not supposed to refer to police as policemen or women anymore. Something about it not being the PC term.
A lawyer and a cop A lawyer ran a stop sign and was immediately pulled over by a cop. The lawyer started shouting, I slowed down! No one was coming! What’s the difference? The cop asked him to step out of his car. As soon as the lawyer was out, the cop pulled out his baton and starting beating the guy. Quickly, left, right, upside the head, everywhere. After a few minutes, the officer stops, looks at the lawyer and says, Now….do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?
Whats the difference between a regular horse and a police horse? The police horse has an extra asshole on its back. :>
Police Investigators looking into the suicide of Robin Williams are following a lead which may have initiated his depression, and have arrived at the scene. Old Trafford. . Sorry I should have put the punch line here 🙁 P.S. RIP Mr Williams. P.S.(2) Viva Leeds United
A guy gets pulled over by a cop… So a guy gets pulled over by a patrol car. The cop approaches the car and explains that he pulled the man over for speeding. That’s impossible, says the man, I was using my cruise control, and was going exactly the speed limit. The man’s wife says, Oh that’s not true, the cruise control never worked in this car, and you always drive too fast. The man looks over and scowls at her and says Shut the fuck up, bitch! I’m handling this, just keep your damn mouth shut. The officer continues. Also, I noticed you’re not wearing your seat belt. Oh, I was wearing it, says the man, but I took it off when I pulled over so I could get my wallet out. Again the wife pipes up. Oh, that’s not true. You never wear your seat belt. The man turns to his wife, really pissed off now. Bitch, I told you to shut the fuck up! Just keep your fucking trap shut you worthless cunt! The officer leans down to address the woman. Does he always treat you this way, ma’am? No, the wife replies. Only when he’s been drinking.
How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just shoot the room for being black.
A cop pulls a guy over for having a bear in his passenger seat. The cop says to the man, sir, I need you to take that bear to the zoo! The man obliged and the officer sent him on his way. A few hours later the cop sees the same man with the same bear except this time he is wearing a zoo tee-shirt. The cop pulls him over and says Sir I thought I told you to take that bear to the zoo He replies I did officer, and he had so much fun I bought him this tee-shirt and we’re on our way to the movies!
Teen drug bust Two teens are busted by the cops for possession of narcotics. Their day in court rolls around and the judge says to them: I’d hate to throw two young men in prison for a half-dozen years for something like this. I’ll give you a week to convince as many people as you can to never do drugs and I’ll consider that during sentencing. A week goes by and the teens are back in court, the judge says to the first one: Well how did you do? I was able to convince 16 people to never do drugs. That’s more than I expected, how did you do it? I drew a diagram of two circles, one smaller than the other. I pointed to the larger one and explained that that was their brain before drugs and the smaller one was after drugs Great work, I’m going to sentence you to 1000 hours of community service Looking to the other youth he says How did you do? I was able to convince 128 people to never do drugs. The judge is clearly surprised by this and asks him how were you able to convince so many people to swear off drugs? I used the same diagram as him. You used the same diagram and convinced over 100 more people to not do drugs?! How is that possible? Well…it was about the time that I explained that the larger circle was their asshole after prison that everyone swore to never touch the stuff
20 more bad jokes. 1. What do you call it when a grenade goes off in a French kitchen? Linoleum blownapart. 2. A man checks into a rehab center. The front lawn has a sign saying keep off the grass. 3. Someone put a hole in the strip club wall. The police are looking into it. 4. There was a murder at a NASCAR event, police think it may be race related. 5. However, their investigation is going in circles. 6. A Muslim opened a concession stand in the local sport’s arena. He named it alahu snackbar. 7. What isn’t right? Left. 8. What do you call a blonde skeleton behind the sofa? The winner of hide and seek. 9. Why can’t the blonde dial 911? She couldn’t find the eleven. 10. What do you call four Mexicans who drive off a cliff into the sea? Quatro sinko. 11. A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, what is this, a joke? 12. 4/3 people are bad at fractions. 13. What do you call a man hiding in your mailbox? Bill. 14. Why did Sally fall off the swingset? She had no arms. 15. Knock-knock. Who’s there? Not Sally. 16. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the swimming pool? Bob. 17. What do you call a man lying in front of the door? Matt. 18. Confucius say: man who stand on toilet is high on pot. 19. Confucius say: Man with hands in pocket feels cocky. 20. Confucius say: man who drive like hell will soon get there. I’ll see myself out.
Alice is travelling at a speed of light.. when a traffic police pulls along side and asks her name, she says she is alive.
Did you hear about the midget, fortune teller who was wanted by the police? It was a small medium at large.
A man is driving with his wife… They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man’s wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man. The cop says: Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there? The man responds: Oh thank god! I though I was going deaf!
A beloved actor robs a rapper A beloved actor was broke and needed cash. He decided to break into a rapper’s house to steal his jewelry. The police were notified and came to arrest the actor, but no one cared bc he was Robbin’ Will.I.Am’s.
Robin Williams was found dead in his house. The police suspect arson, but I doubtfire. Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/4chan/comments/2dacn8/no/cjnr8i8
I let my son go on ebay earlier today When I told my wife she slapped me and called the police.
Man found dead in Pizza Hut….. Police found the body of a man in the storeroom at Pizza Hut. He was covered in ham, pineapple, anchovies and pepperoni, They don’t suspect murder. They think he topped himself.
Got a ticket for running over a cat. I was driving downtown the other day and I accidentally ran over a cat. The owner ran out and began demanding that I pay her $150 for her purebred cat. After arguing with her for some time about the amount her cat was worth she called a police officer to resolve the situation. After explaining what happened and after telling him that 150 was far too much. He told me he was going to write me a ticket. Astounded, I asked why there was a ticket for accidentally running over a cat. He calmly looked at me and said the ticket is for discussing the price of pussy in public
Arty Joe is extremely angry and frustrated with his wife of 20 years and finally decides to find a contract killer to get rid of her. He knows this will cost more money than he has so he asks to borrow some funds from his best friend Arty. Arty surprises Joe by saying, I have never liked your wife so I will gladly murder her for only a dollar. Later, Arty is hiding outside the grocery store where Joe’s wife works and as she leaves he drags her behind the store into an alley and strangles her. Just as he is dragging her body behind some bushes, the store manager comes out and sees him. So Arty attacks the manager and strangles him as well. Again, as he hides the body, a clerk comes out of the store so Arty has to do the same thing one more time. By this time, with all of the commotion, the police arrive and discover what has happened. They arrest Arty and the next morning the headline in the town newspaper reads: ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A DOLLAR AT THE LOCAL MARKET
A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer… The officer asks him, Sir, do you realize this is against the law? The man replies, No, sir, it’s against the wall.
Flower-selling monks at the Playboy mansion *Our top story today, famous playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall which was outside the playboy mansion, where they where selling flowers. Said one friar; Well, if it was anyone else, we might have gotten away with it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist friars.* (I did not think of this myself; it’s from [Whose Line Is It Anyway](http://youtu.be/79wm06j3_gM))
A joke from Soviet times Here’s one my 84 years old grandfather told me. It’s a joke from Soviet times. A man hooks up with a whore and pays her for an hour. They get to a staircase of a commie block house where all the lightbulbs are broken and it’s very dark there. He manages to last only 5 minutes and then he’s done. She asks if she may leave, but he responds «No, wait for me here» and goes out to the street. There he finds another man and asks him if he wants to have a whore for 50 minutes for half the price. The man agrees and goes into the house. Meanwhile a policeman spots their deal and goes after him with a flashlight. He finds the two at the staircase. Who do you fuck there? asks the policeman. My wife. I don’t think so, it’s a whore! Well, I also thought it was a whore… until you’ve turned the flashlight on!
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place… Man: What’s the problem officer? Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone. Man: No sir. I was going 65. Wife: Oh. Harry. You were going 80. The man gives the wife a dirty look. Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. The man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, OK! Officer: Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time. Wife: No, only when he’s been ranting against the police.
Oscar came from a rough home… (from the r/baseball jokes thread) His dad was cruel, and an alcoholic. Oscar had to wear long sleeves in the summer to hide the bruises. And his mother wasn’t better off. One fateful day, Oscar’s mom made the soup too spicy, and dad started beating her with a cast iron skillet. Hearing his mother’s screams and figuring this was worse than before, Oscar ran upstairs and called 911. After a particularly forceful strike with the skillet, dad went upstairs to check on Oscar, leaving mom motionless on the kitchen floor with a pool of blood forming around her head. Oscar’s dad grabbed Oscar by the wrist and started to drag him out of the room when he noticed the phone was off the hook. What did you do? he sneered at little Oscar. Then came the blows. Oscar was lucky that most of the teeth he lost were baby teeth. Oscar was barely conscious when the police arrived. Dad still had plenty of fight in him, enough that the officers had to use deadly force. So both of Oscar’s parents died that day. While Oscar was recovering in the hospital, the social worker assigned from child services had determined that he had no living relatives. Who do you want to stay with, she asked Oscar, until we can find you a suitable foster home? The Houston Astros, Oscar replied meekly. The baseball team? Why the Astros? the social worked asked. Because they don’t beat anybody.
A little boy ran up to the policeman… and said My dad and another man are in a fight around the corner! The cop goes to see about it, and sure enough, there’s two men fighting tooth and nail. The cop asks the kid Which one is your father? The boy replies I don’t know, that’s what they’re fighting about!
Lil’ Arty After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed on his hands for the murder, so he sought a Hitman! A few nights later, Steve met his buddy at the local bar and he started talking about how he was going to hire a contract killer to take care of his wife. His friend suggested a local guy who does a great job, Lil Arty . Steve seemed impressed with the initial recommendation and made plans to meet Arty in person. 2 nights later, he met him behind the bar. He was barely 4ft high but he looked like he had seen alot of action in the Gulf, Iraq, etc. For the equipment, killing, disposal and cleaning, we’re looking at a solid $8000! Arty said. $8000! I can’t afford that! I don’t even have that much in savings! Arty looked pissed, clenching his fists, desperate for the job. Well, what have you got on you right now? Steve fumbled through his pockets and found a mere $1 bill and a quarter. With a gulp, he handed the dough over to Arty. Arty scowled, obviously pissed. But he was desperate for any job. Fine! he said. I’ll do the job, but you get me $8000 by sunrise or I’ll be coming for you! Steve gulped and nodded, handing a picture of his Wife to Arty. She should be in Wal-Mart doing the groceries. You could get her there! Arty grumbled and drove off to the Wal-Mart. He parked, got out and watched the people come and go from the store. Then he saw her! The fat bitch strolled into the store and made her way to the grocery section. After about 40 min’s, he cornered her in the Frozen food aisle. He grabbed his Piano Wire and choked her. She struggled, screamed, but she soon was dead. He lifted her up and threw her in beside the Frozen Pea’s, but it was too late as he saw a Clerk witnessing the whole thing. Like a bullet, Arty ran up to him, wrapped his hands around his scrawny neck and snapped it like a twig. He too was dead. But it was all over for him, as out of nowhere, 4 cops showed up and booked him. The next day, the local papers ran a headline. ** Arty Chokes! 2 for $1.25 in Wal-Mart **
The man and his new car. A man is driving his new car home. He is spotted by a police officer who thought that the car was stolen. He pulls the man over. He draws a circle in the ground with a piece of chalk and tells the man to stand in that circle until he was told to come out. The cop smashes the windscreen and turns around to see that the man is laughing. He smashes the headlights and turns around again and the man is laughing. So he completely destroys the car, turns around and the man is still laughing. The cop asks him Is this your car? The man says Yes. The cop then asks Aren’t you sad I destroyed your car? The man nods. Then finally the cop asks Then why are you laughing? The man replies Because every time you weren’t looking I was jumping in and out the circle.
Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters. The police chief said at a press conference, We’ll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something.
Squirrel joke A cop spots a man driving around town with a bunch of squirrels in his back seat, so he pulls him over. The cop says What are you doing with all those squirrels?! This is illegal! Take them to the zoo right now! The man replies Sorry officer, I’ll take them to the zoo right away. The cop nods and lets him go. The next day the cop sees the same guy driving around with a bunch of squirrels in his back seat, and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses! The cop, enraged, pulls him over again and says What the hell are you doing? I thought I told you to take those squirrels to the zoo?! The man says I did! I took them to the zoo yesterday! Today we’re going to the beach!
A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr. A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150… then 170….Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him and looked at his watch and said: Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and am taking off for the weekend.. If you can give me a reason that I have never heard before for why you were speeding, I’ll let you go. The man looked very seriously at the officer and replied: Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back. The cop left saying: Have a good day. Sir!
the best yo momma jokes on the internet Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live. Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts. Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell taxi! Yo mama is so fat and dumb that the only reason she opened her email was because she heard it contained spam. Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica. Yo mama is so fat that she looked up cheat codes for Wii Fit Yo mama is so fat that the only exercise she gets is when she chases the ice cream truck. Yo mama is so fat that she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington’s nose. Yo mama is so fat that when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down. Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up. Yo mama is so fat that she has to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama is so fat that she left the house in high heels and came back wearing flip flops. Yo mama is so fat that people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama is so fat that she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World. Yo mama is so fat that when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad. Yo mama is so fat that you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through! Yo mama is so fat that that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean… Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo mama is so fat that when she talks to herself, it’s a long distance call. Yo mama is so fat that the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale. Yo mama is so fat that light bends around her. Yo mama is so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing! Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on Wal-Mart, she lowered the prices. Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on an iphone, it turned into an ipad. Yo mama is so fat that even god can’t lift her spirit. Yo mama is so fat that she gets group insurance. Yo mama is so fat that she was zoned for commercial development. Yo mama is so fat that she walked into the Gap and filled it. Yo mama is so fat that she comes at you from all directions. Yo mama is so fat that when she climbed onto a diving board at the beach, the lifeguard told your dad sorry, you can’t park here . Yo mama is so fat that her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama is so fat that she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen. Yo mama is so fat that when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy’s word for it. Yo mama is so fat that when she sings, it’s over for everybody. Yo mama is so fat that when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton to display her picture. Yo mama is so fat that when she was growing up she didn’t play with dolls, she played with midgets. Yo mama is so fat that she uses two buses for roller-blades. Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate. Yo mama is so fat that she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. Yo mama is so fat that she broke the Stairway to Heaven. Yo mama is so fat that she doesn’t eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift. Yo mama is so fat that the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent. Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers won’t look at her. Yo mama is so fat that the highway patrol made her wear a sign saying Caution! Wide Turn . Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama is so fat that when she steps on a scale, it reads one at a time, please . Yo mama is so fat that she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says We don’t do livestock . Yo mama is so fat that when she tripped on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo mama is so fat that God couldn’t light the Earth until she moved! Yo mama is so fat that even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction! Yo mama is so fat that she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo mama is so fat that she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of June. Yo mama is so fat that she could fall down and wouldn’t even know it. Yo mama is so fat that the sign inside one restaurant says, Maximum occupancy: 300, or Yo momma. Yo mama is so fat that she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. Yo mama is so fat that she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. Yo mama is so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. Yo mama is so fat that she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton’s got an echo. Yo mama is so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party. Yo mama is so fat that her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters. Yo mama is so fat that a picture of her would fall off the wall. Yo mama is so fat that when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet. Yo mama is so fat that she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo mama is so fat that she could sell shade. Yo mama is so fat that I ran around her twice and got lost. Yo mama is so fat that the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds. Yo mama is so fat that when she’s standing on the corner police drive by and yell, Hey, break it up. Yo mama is so fat that her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama is so fat that when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag. Yo mama is so fat that she can’t even fit into an AOL chat room. Yo mama is so fat when she goes skydiving she doesn’t use a parachute to land, she uses a twin-engine plane! Yo mama is so fat MTX audio’s subwoofers couldn’t rattle her bones! Yo mama is so fat her headphones are a pair of PA speakers connected to a car amplifier. Yo mama is so fat that she doesn’t have a tailor, she has a contractor. Yo mama is so fat that eating contests have banned her because she is unfair competition. Yo mama is so fat that she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big. Yo mama is so fat that she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck! Yo mama is so fat that she has more Chins than a Chinese phone book! Yo mama is so fat that she influences the tides. Yo mama is so fat that when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago… Yo mama is so fat that NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo. Yo mama is so fat that they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama is so fat that she’s on both sides of the family! Yo mama is so fat that at the zoo, the elephants throw HER peanuts. Yo mama is so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her. Yo mama is so fat that she sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama is so fat that she cant reach into her back pocket. Yo mama is so fat that she has her own gravity field. Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama is so fat that the only pictures you have of her were taken by satellite cameras. Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama is so fat that that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo mama is so fat that when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling Free Willy. Yo mama is so fat that she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo mama is so fat that she cut her leg and gravy poured out Yo mama is so fat that she was in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade… wearing ropes. Yo mama is so fat that she went on a light diet. As soon as it’s light she starts eating. Yo mama is so fat that she’s half Italian, half Irish, and half American. Yo mama is so fat that her waist size is the Equator. Yo mama is so fat that she can’t even jump to a conclusion. Yo mama is so fat that she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama is so fat that when she got hit by a bus, she said, Who threw that rock at me? Yo mama is so fat that we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay for her because we dressed her up as a Toyota. Yo mama is so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama is so fat that she was cut from the cast of E.T., because she caused an eclipse when she rode the bike across the moon. Yo mama is so fat that when you get on top of her your ears pop. Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a car and had to go to the hospital to have it removed. Yo mama is so fat that she eats Wheat Thicks . Yo mama is so fat that we’re in her right now! Yo mama is so fat that she went to the movie theatre and sat next to everyone. Yo mama is so fat that she has been declared a natural habitat for condors. Yo mama is so fat that when she wants to shake someones hand, she has to give directions! Yo mama is so fat that even Dora can’t explore her! Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says to be continued . Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a resturant, she looks at the menu and says okay! Yo mama is so fat that even Chuck Norris couldn’t run around her. Yo mama is so fat that her neck looks like a dozen hot dogs! Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got her own area code! Yo mama is so fat that she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets. Yo mama is so fat that whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama is so fat that her legs are like spoiled milk – white & chunky! Yo mama is so fat that I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! Yo mama is so fat that she wakes up in sections! Yo mama is so fat that when she lies on the beach no one else gets any sun! Yo mama is so fat that that her senior pictures had to be taken from a helicopter! Yo mama is so fat that everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama is so fat that she fell and created the Grand Canyon! Yo mama is so fat that her butt drags on the ground and kids yell – there goes santa claus with his bag of toys! Yo mama is so fat that even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama is so fat that she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama is so fat that when she asked for a waterbed, they put a blanket over the ocean! Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a parked car! Yo mama is so fat that they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping. Yo mama is so fat that when we were playing Call of Duty, I got a 20 kill streak for killing her. Yo mama is so fat that Dracula got Type 2 Diabetes after biting her neck. Yo mama is so fat that when she visited Toronto’s City Hall, she was arrested for attempting to smuggle 500 lbs of crack into Mayor Rob Ford’s office. Yo mama is so fat that when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama is so fat that that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama is so fat that when she went to church and sat on a bible, Jesus came out and said LET MY PEOPLE GO! Yo mama is so fat that when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo mama is so fat that she stands in two time zones. Yo mama is so fat that she went to the fair and the kids thought she was a bouncy castle. Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo mama is so fat that the camera TAKES AWAY 10 lbs from her appearance. Yo mama is so fat that her sedan can fit 5 people… or just yo mama with the front seats removed. Yo mama is so fat that when she went to seaworld the whales started singing We Are Family . Yo mama is so fat that she fell out of both sides of her bed. Yo mama is so fat that the stripes on her pajamas never end. Yo mama is so fat, Al Gore accuses her of global warning everytime she farts! Yo mama is so fat that she’s got every caterer in the city on speed dial! Yo mama’s so fat that when she goes on a scale, it shows her own phone number. Yo mama’s so fat that she doesn’t need the internet – she’s worldwide. Yo mama’s so fat that when she goes on a scale, it reads lose some weight . Yo mama’s so fat that she doesn’t get dreams, she gets movies! Yo mama’s so fat that when she walks, she changes the earth’s rotation! Yo mama is so fat that she uses the entire country of Mexico as her tanning bed.
A police officer knocks on a man’s door. The officer asks, Is this the Sorkin residence? The man nods. May I see a picture of your wife? The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf. The officer sighs, It looks like she was hit by a train. I know, but she’s such a nice lady and an excellent cook!
So there’s a purse snatching on Reddit Blvd. A police officer arrives on scene, notebook in hand. The purseless woman points to a seemingly knowledgable bystander. I am fairly distraught, she explains if it is details you seek that man witnessed everything. The cop asks questions and the bystander prefaces his response biologist here and it strikes him that he is questioning none other than the famous Unidan. But what seemed at first an open and shut case begins to become more complex. The officer is left alone, gazing at his notes, completely perplexed. The woman asks the officer Why the puzzled face? To which the officer replies That guy just gave me five different accounts.
