A Danish teen met her boyfriend at a Syrian refugee camp near her home… Turned out he was Isis and got her into it. She watched beheading video over and over obsessively. When her mom tried to stop her, the teen killed her mom with a knife. After the arrest, the police asked her why she murdered her mom. She said, F*ck her and her Facebook.
Did you hear about the murder of the door maker? The police said it was an open and shut case.
What did the policeman say when the Arabic man escaped from jail? GOTTA CATCH JAMAL
A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin …when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination. A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, Hey what are you carrying and where are you going? The man replied, I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating. …. The policeman fainted.
Ice Cube Should Open a Vietnamese Restaurant called pho the police!
Recently I hired an ex-military police private investigator to find out where my mom was going at night. After several days without a reply from either of them, I went to my mother’s to investigate. I walked into the house to hear screaming and rushed into her room only to discover my investigator in bed with her. I was disgusted. Not by them, but by myself. After all, I should’ve known I hired a motherfucking P.I. M.P. Edit: Sorry.
Two guys are drinking and driving Joe and Kyle are out drinking and driving when they spot a cop checking for drunk drivers a head. Kyle freaks out and tells Joe to turn the car around but Joe calmly tells Kyle to just relax and finish his drink, he had it all figured out. Kyle sees how calm Joe is and decides to follow his lead and finish his drink. When they approach the checkpoint, Joe instructs Kyle to remove the label to his beer and place it on his forehead. Confused, Kyle follows Joe’s lead and places the beer label on his forehead. The cop knocks on Joe window and asks, Have you boys been drinking tonight? to which Joe promptly answers, No sir, no drinking here… We’re on the patch .
Did you hear about the man that threw a mineral at the cops? The police said it was a salt.
The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver’s door. They stopped and confronted him. Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car? Of course I am, officer, he slurred. I’m in no state to walk.
A guy is arrested in a bank with a gun. A guy is arrested in a bank with a gun. Police: We will accuse you for trying to rob a bank. Guy: (Confused) Asks why? Police: Well, you had all necessary tools to rob a bank. Guy: Will you accuse me for trying to rape? Because i have necessary tools for that too.
A police officer stops a driver… A police officer stops a driver to give him a ticket. He looks at the guy’s driver license and says, This says here that you need to wear corrective lenses when you drive. The guy replies, I have contacts . The cops says, I dont care who you know you still need corrective lenses
Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they’ll use them? In Watts. I’ll see myself out now.
Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station? The police were left with nothing to go on.
Traffic stop A cop stops a car and asks the man inside, Excuse me, sir, have you been drinking? The guy replies, Why? Is there an ugly chick next to me?
This Just In: Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars. courtesy of Colin Mochrie
What do you call a midget fortune teller running from the police? A small medium at large.
Ironic One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise and ran to save the two dead boys. And if you don’t believe it’s true go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
A man was caught peeing in public by a police officer. The cop’s only reaction was… Urine trouble now.
Fishing A local sheriff received an anonymous tip that there was a young man fishing at the pond without a license. He decides to check it out, and, arriving at the pond, he spots two teenagers fishing at the shore. As he is approaching the pair, one of them looks up, sees the sheriff, and takes off at a sprint. He gives chase, trailing him for about a quarter-mile, at which point the young man is out of breath. The sheriff grabs him and says, panting, Let me see your fishing license. The teenager pulls out his license and hands it to him. Why’d you run away from me if you have a license? You weren’t doing anything wrong, the policeman gasps, still exhausted. Suddenly, a grin appears on the young man’s face. I have my license, he explained, but my buddy back there doesnt!
An austrian drunk is passing by a cemetery… An Austrian drunk is passing by a cemetery, when he hears music, following the music, he finds its coming from a grave, frightened, he begins to run away and bumps into a policeman. ‘Vere are you going at zis hour?’ asks the policeman, ‘Entschuldigung, I’ve been celebrating, I was walking past ze cemetery, when I heard music’ ‘Music? In ze cemetery?’ ‘Ja, but I’m drunk so might not be’ ‘Lets check it out.’ The cop hears the music too, and decides to go to the nearby church and fetch a priest. The priest arrives and listens ‘ Ah! Zat is Herr Mozart’s 5th symphony… but it is being played backvords, and zere, it is now the 4th, also being played backvords….’ The priest finally realizes ‘ Ah! Nothing to worry, it is just Herr Mozart decomposing’
Things South Africans Do You’re working on your computer and you’re in the habit of clicking SAVE’ very often, in case of load shedding You speed up for an orange robot, not traffic light You check the robots before you go when they turn green in case a taxi is still going through red Travelling at 120 km/h, you’re the slowest vehicle on the freeway The first thing you do when you get in your car is lock the doors You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer You flash your brights at oncoming traffic to warn them about a speed cop trapping in the bushes You prefer private transport to public transport, because taking a taxi means sharing a lift with 40 people You love the fact that we have 11 official languages, even though you can only speak one or two of them You can sing your national anthem in four languages and you have no idea what it means in any of them Some of your fellow citizens have the most festive names, such as Blessing, Christmas, Innocence, Precious, Gift, Patience, Pretty You don’t say yes’, you say ja’ or yebo’ You always say ja no definitely’ You put man’ at the end of every sentence You SMS your chommie, not text (well now you WhatsApp) You’ve had at least one thing stolen from you You love how Zapiro always gets it right You have an opinion about the Oscar Pistorius case
Sardarjee finds a monkey on the street and being a good citizen, promptly takes it to the police station to report it. The officer on Duty tells Sardarjee to take the monkey to the zoo… The next day, officer spots Sardarjee with the same monkey on a bus stop. Officer: Didn’t you take the monkey to the zoo? Sardar: Yes, I did, we had a lot of fun. Even had icecream. Today I am taking him to the cinema
A guy walks into a pub he was hiding from the police after they shot his family for j walking
Why did the police assault the crowd? Because a-peppering them would make them sneeze!
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit… Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, Are you aware of how fast you were going? The man replies, Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in. The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, Were you the one being robbed? The man casually replies, No, I committed the robbery. The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery? Yes, the man calmly says. I have the loot in the back. The cop begins to get angry. Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me. The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man. Don’t do that! the man yells fearfully. I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment! The cop pulls his hand out. Wait here, he says. The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car. The man replies, Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!
Kids say the darnedest things A young lad was in the car with his Dad on the way home. Dad’s listening to the radio to hear the football scores. They get stopped by a routine police patrol who do a quick licence check and send them on their way. Flummoxed by this, the boy asks his father who those people were. Not listening, the father says, bastards (as he’s just heard his favourite team have lost 1-0). Arriving home they wipe their feet on the welcome mat. Dad drops his keys and exclaims, Shite! . The boy walks into the house and heads to the kitchen while his father goes upstairs. Mammy, what are you doing? , he asks as he arrives in the kitchen. At this very moment the boy’s mother is grappling with the inside of a dead turkey in which she’s lost her wedding ring, Well fuck this turkey! she shouts. Shrugging his shoulders the boy heads upstairs to use the loo. He knocks on the door to make sure it’s empty and hears a shout of pain and the unmistakable sound of a electric shaver. Balls , shouts his dad. The boy then heads downstairs when the doorbell rings. He opens the door only to find two policemen standing at the threshold. Armed with his newly found wisdom he says, Well bastards, come on in. Feel free to wipe your feet in the shite, me ma’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey and me dad’s upstairs shaving his balls.
Funny story Years ago when I was a pizza driver we had a cop come and pick some food up just before close. This sparked a story about how a cop once saw a guy in the Taco Bell drive thru spit on his food. The guy was arrested and sentenced to 2 years in jail for tampering with his food. Our manager, a Lesbian, came out of the office and said: 2 years for spitting on a taco?! They’re gonna give me life in prison!
I saw a brief police chase on TV today. The suspect was in his boxers.
Did you hear about the choir boys They were charged with indecent exposure last winter, the cops found them with there penises in the snow bank when questioned why they responded with the priest likes a couple cold ones after the sermon
A man is stopped for speeding on the highway The driver, who is confronted by the cop to get a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle. The cop, visibly shocked, calls for backup, explaining to them that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him. A narcotics team arrives and searches through the vehicle to find nothing of interest. Confronting the driver, they ask for an explanation. The cop said I had drugs?! Of course not! exclaims the driver. I bet he told you I was speeding too
What did the Asian police dog say to the robber? Fleas!
What did the police say to the hot dog? You are under arrest.
This was my grandma’s favorite joke A man lives alone in his apartment. He never married, doesn’t stay in touch with his family, and generally keeps to himself. One day while at home watching TV, his phone rings and he answers it. A deep, slow voice says to him the viper is coming… , and then hangs up before the man has any chance to respond. He thinks it was pretty strange, but he figures it must just be some kids playing a bad prank or something. Half an hour later, his phone rings again. He answers it, and the same voice as before says the viper is getting closer… . Then the phone hangs up just as before. The man is now a little bit nervous. Clearly someone is trying to scare him. He puts it out of his mind, but no less than 10 minutes later his phone rings again. He hesitates, then answers it, and hears the voice tell him the viper is almost here! . Who are you?! the man shouts into the phone, but it was too late. The line was already dead. The man is very upset now and considers calling the police, but decides against it. He calms himself down, but 5 minutes later, the phone rings once more. The viper has come! The man, now terrified, changes his mind and decides to call the police, but as he’s dialing the number, he hears a knock at the door. He get’s up, and slowly walks towards the door. His hands are sweaty and his heart is racing. When he reaches the door, he hesitates for a moment – then reaches for the doorknob and pulls the door open. Standing there is a short man wearing lederhosen who exclaims Hello! I am ze vindow viper! I’ve come to vipe your vindows!
The Designated D The Designated D Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken. I doubt it , said the man, tonight I’m the designated decoy.
How many Ferguson police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None… they just shoot the room for being black.
pulled over by a cop I was driving down the street this morning and a stupid goose flew out in front of my car. I didn’t have enough time to swerve or stop and ran right into him. It must’ve hit at the right angle because sure enough, the goose bounced off the hood of my car, popped up, and smacked straight into a police car’s windshield right behind me. Immediately his lights went on and I got pulled over. I’m a bit pissed off at this point when the officer walks over to my car. He proceeds to ask if I knew why he pulled me over and after a shrug he looks down and says, it’s for flipping him the bird.
So there were these politicians in a bus A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash, so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local RCMP officer was driving past the farmer’s field, and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he’d gone ahead and buried all of them. Were they ALL dead? asked the puzzled policeman. Well, some of them said they weren’t, said the old farmer, but you know how politicians like to lie.
Four old women get pulled over… Driving extremely slowly on a highway. The police officer leans in and says, Ma’am, do you realize you were barely driving 25 miles per hour? This is a 55 mile an hour zone. As he’s saying this, he notices the three other women in the car look terrified, gripping their armrests and each other. The little old lady replies, No, I can see the sign right up there that says 23 miles per hour! The officer looks up and realizes she’s mistaken the highway number for the speed limit. He corrects her mistake, and to quell his curiosity, asks, Why do your three passengers look so scared? The old women tells him, Probably because we just got off highway 110…
I met two hispters today I met two hispters today, they had the same outfit, shirt, trousers, even the belt! I asked did you plan that faggots or it was by chance? They didn’t like it too much, they arrested me and took me to the police station.
A Police Officer is Making Some Breakfast…. A police officer is making some breakfast for his family when his wife walks in the kitchen. His wife takes a glance at what’s cooking and a look of disgust spreads across her face. She picks up the pan of bacon, holds it out to him and says: You never told me you were a cannibal.
POLICE ROADBLOCK Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers! Don’t worry, Bubba, Earl said. We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat. What fer? asked Bubba. Just let me do the talkin’, OK? said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin’? No sir, Earl said. We’re on the patch.
Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11 mph. He thinks to himself: This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back…wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? Ma’am, the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…eleven miles an hour! ….the old woman says a bit proudly.The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a sound this whole time, the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We’ve just come off the A120.
A man applies for a job with the police Police: yo sup, welcome to da interview home dawg Man: yo cool rollin wit u fellas wazzup Police: yo get dis piece and shoot 6 black dudes and a rabbit dawg Man: why da rabbit g? Police: lmao
The Greatest Joke Ever That’s it! says the man. After 20 years of writing down jokes and endless ideas, he’s finally done it. In fact , the 15-word joke is so funny it took him 6hours to simply resist laughing to get it down on to his small red piece of paper. In his enthusiastic state he rushes to his car , to get to the nearest law office. Surely he thinks , he can license the rights to this joke. Along the way he can’t stop thinking of the fortune he’s going to make. As he’s arrived at the office he storms through the enters doors . I must speak to your best lawyer, NOW! The receptionist slightly overwhelmed replies Sir , all lawyers are unavailable simply upon request and must be met with through an appointment. Listen lady he says Either I meet with a lawyer or you meet my fist The receptionist now worried, escorts him to the best lawyer they have . As soon as he sees the lawyer he says I have joke and it’s essential that I patent it. You don’t ‘patent’ a joke the lawyer replies , you have the right to give someone authority to copy or display your work if you’re the author Overcome by this news the man thinks of the best possible way to submit his joke and prove he’s the author. Then paranoia kicks in, he’s just told a lawyer he about his joke..he has to kill him he think or he’ll surely try and steal it. After thinking about it he reasons with himself and decide he can’t kill him , it’d cause too many problems. So spontaneously he grabs the nearest pen and starts writing on the wall. Hey! The lawyer yells What are you doing! It’s too late , the lawyer began to read the joke on the wall and started laughing. The man smiled and thought to himself that it should keep the lawyer and whoever else in this firm who tries to read it pacified in laughter for a few hours. The man rushed to his car and knew where he had to go next. A local news studio. He sped off and arrived at the studio within 20minutes. He looked at his watch and couldn’t believe how perfectly it worked out , he had arrived just before the were going to go live. He walks up to the door the find that it’s locked, angered he begins banging on the door. About a minute later he’s greeted two security guards. He tries to run by them but fails , they grab him by each arm and begin walking away from the building , he has an idea . He’ll break them with his joke, he begins to say it when he they throw him to the ground , knocking him unconscious. He wakes up not knowing how long he was out for, but long enough to assume he missed his chance to hit live television. He’s not going to let 20 years of his life go to waste, he decides that president Obama needs to hear it. Racing off once again he is soon greeted by flashing lights. The man thinking the receptionist back at the firm must have sent the cop after him , holds on to the joke tightly. As the cop steps in front of the mans door , he asks Do you have any idea how fast you were going? I need to get there. Replies the man I know why you’re here. The man begins to get emotional. Get where? To the w-w-hite-house says the man with a frog is his throat while thinking of how much a disaster this is and no one will even recognize him as owner of the joke. What’s that you’ve got in your hand? Do you have any Idea how far the whitehouse is sir, it’s almost a 5 day drive? Are you on any type of medication at this time? The man looks up at the officer almost crying It’s my joke! He yells I just don’t know anymore … the man cries I was going there but now I’m not and now it’s just all one big mess…, you’ve got to help me officer he continues to cry I don’t know where I’m going with this joke.
What do you call a policeman who walked accidentally into a ghost? in spectre
Leaving the Mob One day a man decided that he wanted to leave the mob. He knew this could mean his death if he was caught. As he was walking into his apartment building, he noticed that a door that was usually closed was left ajar. As the man stepped inside the room, he saw three gunmen holding hostage a woman and two children. They said we have your family, tell us your bank account information or we will start shooting one by one. The man thought for a moment but refused. Without hesitation, the man holding the woman shot her once in the head. The men again demanded that he hand over the information and he again refused. The man shot the little girl. Finally, they grabbed the son and pleaded this here is your son, your pride and joy, surely you cannot let him die. The man just looked away silently. The men pulled the trigger and the little boy was dead. After the third shot, the door slammed open and the police rushed in. They immediately arrested the three gunmen and let the former mobster go. As they were dragging out the gunmen, the ringleader turned around and asked how the man could watch his whole family be killed just for a bank account? The man replied – oh, my family is down the hall.
The worst day ever. A scrawny man enters a bar, and takes a seat at the counter. He orders a drink, but doesn’t touch it. About twenty minutes go by and the man still hasn’t touched his drink. Next to him was a hefty trucker, who having noticed this thought it would be funny to down the other’s man drink. He does this, causing some of the other bar patrons to erupt in laughter. The skinny man takes this poorly, and starts to quietly sob. The trucker immediately feels bad and offers to buy the man another drink. No, it’s alright. I was just having the worst day ever. the man said You see, I had trouble finding my keys this morning, so I was late to work, and missed a very big meeting with some important client. My boss fired me on the spot. I leave the building, and see that someone has stolen my car. I take a taxi to the police station to report it, and it turns out that I left my wallet in the taxi. I walk home, and find out my wife is cheating on me with the neighbor. So I come here contemplating just ending my life, then you come along and steal the drink, I put the poison in.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent… The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ Hello ? ‘ ‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked. ‘Yes,’ whispered the small voice. ‘May I talk with him?’ The child whispered, ‘No.’ Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mummy there?’ ‘Yes’ ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘No’ Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’ ‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman.’ Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’ ‘No, he’s busy,’ whispered the child. ‘Busy doing what?’ ‘Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’ ‘A helicopter,’ answered the whispering voice. ‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ‘The search team just landed a helicopter.’ Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are they searching for?’ Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ‘ME.’
A man enters the police office… …and walks up to the board. Sir, my mother-in-law disappeared! Here’s a picture, we should start looking for her. The policeman glances at the pictures and says: Why…?
Black Lives Matter’s DeRay McKesson rips Rebel Wilson for jokes about cops at VMAs One of the leading voices of the Black Lives Matter movement took some shots at actress Rebel Wilson for her comedic bit on police officer strippers at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night.
